The opening of this week’s show could really go to great lengths breaking down the significance and meaning behind what is about to happen. Nothing about it would be original or groundbreaking. What I end up doing won’t be revolutionary, either. However, it feels more appropriately.
How?
Like…how?
HOW?
HOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Seriously…HOW???
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 149: WCW STARRCADE 1997
Written on 4/18/23
ALL THE OPENING STUFF: There’s a storm with images of Hollywood Hogan and some text with Sting walking in a crumbling building. The tone and mood are SO RIGHT. “Now, he seeks the ruin of one man.” Tony Schiavone’s biggest night claim is not wrong for once. 24,000 people are packed into DC with Tony, Mike Tenay and Dusty Rhodes (where is Bobby Heenan?) Referee controversy starts the conversation and a name will be randomly drawn to determine who gets the main event. WCW wrestlers are shown throughout the crowd. Mortis in street clothes and Ultimo Dragon sitting next to Greg Valentine are both LOL sights. Dusty tries to set a big tone, but mostly proves why he’s not on TV really anymore. LVP. The second controversy mentioned is Kevin Nash not being there despite being booked. Great start.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH- Dean Malenko vs Eddie Guerrero (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: Even though he’s been ignored for so long, Dean’s music still gets a big pop. The crowd is very excited for this big show. Eddie gets big heat for his entrance. Harlem Heat seems THRILLED to be in the crowd for this whole show with all of the obnoxious fans holding their signs. There’s a weird edit before the bell.
THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS
-Talk of Hogan/Sting dominate the focus despite Dean drilling Eddie with two sick powerbombs. Heenan is mentioned as towing the nWo/WCW line because of the Nitro takeover possible later on.
-It’s Dean vs Eddie, so you know this is good! Eddie shines with his cowardly heel shit, kissing Dean’s foot in a beg off and then eating a dropkick. He’s once again the first MVP. It takes way too long for Bret Hart’s name to be mentioned and it’s still only as a referee for fucking Eric Bischoff vs Larry Zbyszko.
-Guerrero dropkicks the steps into Dean’s legs/knees. It doesn’t matter: Dean can still hit a killer wheelbarrow German. A weird top rope encounter has both men fall to the mat and sells their knees. A murderous powerbomb gets the crowd back, but the knee still hurts and a missile dropkick focuses on it and leads to the finish.
WINNER: Eddie Guerrero retains in 14:57 with the Frog Splash
FINAL WORD: These two could open anything let alone the biggest show of the year. It was a little tamer than usual.
FILLING TIME: New World Order music hits right away to a big pop and it’s Scott Hall wearing a bogus tag title. He does the full “Hey Yo” and “Too Sweet” cheap heat before getting into the survey. WCW gets the win again because people are jazzed for Sting. Hall has the winner of the main event at SuperBrawl. He announces that Nash isn’t there and tells people to see him “down there” by crotch chopping if you have a problem. He wants a ref for the forfeit announcement and Giant comes down instead, getting mocked the whole way. He cuts a wispy promo about patience and forgiveness and threatens to be wrestling for a long time. HE AIN’T WRONG. He no sells the toothpick and punches to hit a press slam and Jackknife. It’s a decent angle to make up for Nash’s “health scare.”
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Scott Norton, Vincent and Randy Savage w/Elizabeth vs The Steiner Brothers and Ray Traylor w/Ted DiBiase
BEFORE THE BELL: The B-Team music plays right away and they come help Hall to the back. Vincent’s job is “Director of Security.” They start to announce Konnan, but stop because he’s also not there. The WCW team enters before the good nWo music plays for Macho Man and Liz as Konnan’s replacement. I know this was for an actual medical thing thanks to daprice’s Observer rewinds on the Squared Circle Reddit (and that’s our weird reference challenge now). This is the first chance since the Gisele Shaw incident to say, “fuck Rick Steiner.” So, fuck Rick Steiner.
THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS
-Scott Steiner and Savage start and take two minutes to lock up. Cheating leads to a heel advantage.
-Macho takes a couple suplexes and the nWo are forced to bail in typical Steiner fashion. Rick versus Norton is too bulky to look any good. Traylor versus Vincent is only good for a big spinebuster and surely not the offense afterwards.
-Vincent keeps getting his shit wrecked until a double down, then gets wrecked again by a Doomsday DDT. Norton makes the save. A Frankensteiner from the top and Vincent is still getting saved. DiBiase is unaware his distraction on an electric chair drop and a rare pinfall loss from the younger brother.
WINNERS: The New World Order in 11:06 when Randy Savage pins Scott Steiner with the flying elbow drop
FINAL WORD: Merely a cog in the bigger story. It’s nice to see Vincent totally battered, though.
FILLING TIME: Mean Gene pimps the hotline and introduces JJ Dillon to overspeak and announce Nick Patrick as the main event ref to moans and groans. You have no idea, people. He’s an LVP early and forever on this night.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Bill Goldberg vs Steve McMichael
BEFORE THE BELL: It’s weird seeing Goldberg without pyro or much of a pop. He’s still “Bill” as well. Despite the Flock being shown initially, Mongo is his opponent. He almost trips at the entryway. They meet in the aisle and start to fight. Bill forces him up and carries him to the ring in a hilarious moment. A table is set up against the post and steps.
THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS
-Holy slop! Every botch looks odd as hell (sidewalk slams, shoulder tackles, even blocked punches). Selling is delayed! What a first 90 second stretch.
-A more verbal and showboating Goldberg is weird. He’s either an LVP with every motion or it’s Mongo’s fault. Yep, right on cue-Mongo sells the spear like shit and it answers my questions.
-Great power by Bill trying to force Mongo over the top onto a table. An anticlimactic punch off the apron sends McMichael awkwardly falling through and getting an ECW chant. It’s basically no sold in the ring, but he awfully sells his back before the merciful finish.
WINNER: Bill Goldberg wins in 6:00 with the Jackhammer
FINAL WORD: It begins…auspiciously. It’s hopefully the longest time and a one-off or these next few years are going to be something.
FILLING TIME: Tenay mentions Goldberg’s unbeaten run so far.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: RAVEN’S RULES MATCH-Saturn w/Raven vs Chris Benoit
BEOFRE THE BELL: Raven still doesn’t have music, but walks from the back. He’s been ducking Benoit and get mic time to say he won’t conform to WCW rules and won’t wrestle tonight. Join the club, I guess! Bait and switch shit on your biggest show of the year isn’t a good look. Saturn comes out from the back instead. The Crippler gets a good pop and Schiavone mentions the respect the fans have for him. He gets the mic and totally kills that respect from the crowd with a wretched promo. You can tell what’s going to happen because anyone that bad at speaking can be embarrassed and go nuts.
THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS
-Tony keeps putting over the main event as the most important ever and he has no idea how right he is. Even though there was no official announcement, this is Raven’s Rules because Sick Boy jumps Chris and Kidman hits a Shooting Star Press off the apron. I think that’s a first for PPV?
-Very tepid action and the crowd seems distracted by something. WCW wrestlers are shown again and Tony mentioned they paid for the tickets themselves. What? Why?!?! HUH?!?!?!?! Raven mean mugs and I feel him.
-Saturn’s hair sucks. The Flock jumps when Saturn is locked in the Crossface. He’s held for an Asai moonsault, but he somehow avoids it. Benoit lands the headbutt across the ring and fights off the Flock in ring. Raven comes in, Hammer grabs Chris and he nails the Even Flow. He’s already out, but Saturn isn’t done. This finally gets good heel heat.
WINNER: Saturn in 10:52 with the Rings of Saturn
FINAL WORD: Until the last couple of minutes, that was sadly pretty boring.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Buff Bagwell vs Lex Luger
BEFORE THE BELL: It’s noted that the last four matches are WCW vs nWo. Buff is 3-0 against Luger recently, all via DQ or countout. He’s got sweet entrance attire, but makes a lame “Lex Loser” joke. I’m surprised by the amount of signs in the crowd for him. Lex is still very over even though he’s cooled off since the beginning of the year. He’s got that Lex salty, not happy poo-poo face. I’m imagining an rb_reigns user supporting him in kayfabe no matter what (the references keep rolling). There’s a shit ton of stalling before the bell due to Buff not getting into the ring.
THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS
-It’s all Lex early and he’s impressive with a long press slam. Buff calls for and gets Vincent. He does nothing and Luger beats Buff up into the rail and post. Vincent is hit, but it’s enough of a distraction. I just noticed Super Calo, Lizmark and other luchadores in the crowd on the hard cam.
-The crowd still seems distracted, this time by Jim Duggan because there’s a lot of “USA” and “HOOOOs.” At least it’s keeping people entertained as this match is not.
-There’s a long rest hold, a few seconds of clotheslines and nearfalls and then more of that same rest hold. Yippee. This happens THREE TIMES for almost five minutes. Lex finally hulks up with a splash block.
-Vincent gets hit on the apron again and thrown off the top onto Buff. Fuck it, I’m making Virgil an MVP just from being a bump machine. Also, all of the WCW guys are watching and none of them are doing anything?!?!
-The ref gets bumped because Lex is dumb. He racks Bagwell and Macho Man runs down. He gets press slammed and racked, but Scott Norton gingerly jogs out and barely kicks Lex before a loaded punch. Yeesh.
WINNER: Buff Bagwell in 16:37 with a dog collar shot by Scott Norton
FINAL WORD: Long, repetitive, bad and all of the surrounding words in my thesaurus. At least Mongo vs Goldberg was funny to an extent.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: US TITLE MATCH- Diamond Dallas Page vs Curt Hennig (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: The champ enters first all cocky. Page follows in a weird, brown leather vest. This was originally supposed to be Ric Flair as the challenger. DDP gets big chants and Dusty does a good job as usual putting over his journey.
THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS
-This has good energy early. Dallas does some interesting jumping headlock takeovers. He’s MVP levels of scrappy and all over the place. What a novelty: someone who looks like they want to be here!
-Hennig is on top, but not particularly exciting. They sure do love shooting James Vanderberg talking to Alex Wright. Curt tries to use his foot for leverage, but can barely reach the ropes and Page still sells it.
-DDP dives over the top rope and lands on his feet! He’s so old! Counters and reversals start to lack zip or heat as this one draws on. The PerfectPlex is blocked and exhaustion is poorly sold.
-Out of nowhere, there’s a float over and a big pop from the people and announcers.
WINNER: DDP wins the title in 10:52 with the Diamond Cutter
FINAL WORD: One guy busted his ass and the other was there enough, I guess.
FILLING TIME: Page jumps in the crowd and celebrates right away. Dusty accidentally buries the TV Title by calling this the first major belt DDP has won. Mark Madden talks to Eddie Guerrero on AOL.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: CONTROL OF NITRO MATCH WITH SPECIAL GUEST REF BRET HART- Eric Bischoff w/Scott Hall vs Larry Zbyszko
BEFORE THE BELL: A very Southern and bootleg sound song means Bret Hart walks to the ring in his WCW PPV debut without ANY FANFARE. The crowd is hot for him, but he’s immediately just another fucking guy. At least make a “what’s Brad Heart doing in the Turner Zone” joke (and we might be done with the challenge). Dusty calls him a potential tweener. “Easy E” is announced, alongside Hall, as the leader of the nWo. He thinks he’s such a badass. He’s short, but in decent shape. Larry comes out with pyro and the Nitro theme. There’s such pomp for him and he’s another guy who thinks he’s totally hip. This is the semi-main and BRET HART IS THE REF!!! I’ll never get over it. The crowd is into it, though.
THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS
-Bret seems to have a little smirk as each man sizes the other up and one punch is thrown. Tenay references MMA and wrestlers having an advantage in those battles of the past. Sure, Mike.
-EB keeps sneaking strikes in and Larry gets frustrated and grinds his face into the mat before a sleeper. Bret warns and separates them three times. His allegiance is doubted. This is all so uncreative. Bischoff yells bloody murder and Bret keeps getting involved and in the way until the heel takes over.
-Half of Eric’s kicks and punches look like shit and the other half looks stiff as hell. He gets rope-a-doped and takes a suplex and neckbreaker and tree of woe. Bret moves Larry away and Hall loads Bischoff’s boot with some steel plate. It goes flying upon impact.
-Bret analyzes the situation and knocks Eric out with a punch to a big pop. Hall gets beat up to a louder ovation and locked in the Sharpshooter. Larry just strangles Eric with some kind of strap. Once they’re both done, Bret just raises Zbyszko’s hand and that’s it?
WINNER: Larry Zbyszko by DQ in 11:14
FINAL WORD: I was expecting worst action and a better story. It was somehow mostly the opposite. It’s impressive how they can surprise me in new, shitty ways.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: WCW TITLE MATCH- Sting vs Hollywood Hulk Hogan (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: There’s a big fight feel as soon as Michael Buffer starts talking. It looks like he has a novel written. The champ is out first. There’s no frills here. Enough time has passed. It’s interesting that he’s by himself. Interestingly, he chats with Nick Patrick a little bit. Epic Sting music is joined by a kid voiceover and a laser show with scorpion images. The music awkwardly restarts when the voiceover is done and he walks out stoically with an admittedly lackadaisical attitude. He points the bat and Tony recaps the story, setting the stage well. There’s no emotion in their faceoff.
THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS
-There’s a push, slap and Hogan crowd work/stalling right away. Then, one block and a punch. There’s no energy in this immediately on Sting’s side. Even on defense, he’s too stoic in his facial expressions.
-A dropkick sends Hulk to the floor and he gets two more inside. This settles with a side headlock and typical Hogan nothingness. A clothesline turns the tide, but Sting no sells a suplex right away.
-There’s a brawl on the floor and Hulk hits Sting with the bat in front of the ref, but there’s no DQ. Sting misses the splash and hits the rail as usual. After a couple more moves inside the ring, Hulk lands the big boot and legdrop for the 1……..2…….3.
-Bret is already down? Is this edited to make more sense? Hart says this won’t happen again and he punches Nick Patrick, who sells like totally over-the-top shit. Hulk is thrown back into the ring to an amped up Sting. Just Norton and Buff run out to get beat up. After two splashes, Hogan is dead center and Sting shows Bret some recognition before slapping on their hold way too late.
WINNER: Sting wins the title in 12:53 with the Scorpion Deathlock
FINAL WORD: Singlehandedly the stupidest decision and result in wrestling history. HOW DO YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?!?!
BEFORE WE GO: Lex and the Giant pick him up right away and the rest of the roster follows. The crowd is very loud and receptive despite being royally fucked over. The commentators try and glaze over everything. La Parka gets a hug! Duggan, in a tux, waves the flag in the corner! Sting stupidly says something in Spanish right into the camera about a mamacita and becomes an LVP, too. Is that LUTHER REIGNS?!?! Did I die? Tony signs off with “the nWo can bite us” and that’s it.
THE LAST IMAGE: Sting
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: The only guy on this show who look like he tried hard besides the opening match and felt real was DDP. He was a feel-good story on a show that totally felt bad.
FINAL LVP of PPV: The blame can be placed in a bunch of different directions, but Nick Patrick falls on the sword here. Plus, he’s a bad seller and always stands out when he’s supposed to fall to the shadows.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Eddie Guerrero vs Dean Malenko
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Sting vs Hollywood Hulk Hogan
FINAL THOUGHTS: It’s been said ad nauseum at this point, but it bears repeating here: what a fucking bomb of a big show on an all-time level. It’s filled with bad decision after bad decision after somehow worse decisions. It could have been the death knell of one company and it was the other way around. Even before the main event, there are changes and mistakes and poor action galore. It all could have been saved in the end, but it was the cherry on top of the shit sundae instead. This one almost goes to the very bottom. MULLET DOES NOT RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: 1998 begins with the Royal Rumble. It was my birthday and I had a friend over. A lot changes next week.