When you are a kid, you take a lot of things for granted. Money is definitely at the top of that list. Every month, I just expected every PPV to be purchased for me. It was what I remembered since I was born. Sure, there were now two of them. Sure, it ties up three hours every other Sunday basically. So what?
It was around this time that my mom and dad had enough and started forcing me to make a tough decision. I had to pick which PPV I bought every month. This started in March 1997 with today’s PPV, Uncensored, and next week’s show: WrestleMania 13. In retrospect and name alone, it seems like a no-brainer, right? Well…
Sigh…I was the absolute biggest Glacier mark of all time at this time. All of the vignettes and build worked specifically on little old Mullet and I was beyond excited for my guy to have his first big match against his cool looking rival, Mortis. There was no way I would miss that. Top that off with a big main event that resembles the Royal Rumble and it was a no-brainer.
Thankfully, I was able to swindle either my sister or grandmother into fitting the bill for WrestleMania a couple weeks later (I was a spoiled brat), but I’ve always wondered if I made the initial right decision. We all now that the biggest news from either show is the upcoming double turn, but Uncensored is really notable in its own right. It’s also an Uncensored show which classically means I’m in for a real interesting time no matter what.
Did young, stupid Mullet make the right choice?
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 126: WCW UNCENSORED 1997
Written on 9/6/22
HOW WE START: A simple and effective opening video with scratchy newspaper lettering and images recapping the whole show. It’s notable that zero nWo participants are shown or highlighted. We go live in Charleston, SC with Tony Schiavone, Dusty Rhodes and Bobby Heenan. The triangle elimination main event is built around Roddy Piper getting a cage match with Hollywood Hogan if his team wins as well as Dennis Rodman being in the house. If WCW wins, all of the titles are returned and the New World Order is banned for three years. YEAH, RIGHT. This is happening right after Eric Bischoff was sidelined by the brass. Tony calls the rules and event “bizarre” and references the past Uncensored PPVs. You can say that again.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: US TITLE NO DQ MATCH- Dean Malenko vs Eddie Guerrero (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: Dean’s theme opening the show will always get a great pop. Schiavone has rolled out two or three hyperbolic statements already, so I’m hoping his great work lately isn’t over. Eddie comes out second with big pyro and a bit of attitude in his face. His recent rulebreaking is mentioned. The reinstated Randy Anderson is referee.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The champ starts with fists of fury, but a shoulder tackle makes him bail and he wastes time like a heel on the floor.
-Malenko stomps a mudhole and gets cheered. Guerrero stomps a mudhole and gets booed. Dusty talks mudhole stomping and Bobby calls him the director of mudhole operations in a laugh out loud moment.
-Backstage, the Outsiders and Syxx stand over an unconscious Rick Steiner and sarcastically ask for medical attention and reference the team’s recent bad luck. The challenger uses the title belt a couple time as a weapon.
-Eddie hits a Rock Bottom and starts leg work to take over. Rhodes is the first LVP for not knowing any words. Eddie delivers unique offense working on the leg.
-An ambulance takes Rick out while the nWo make more comments. Rick hasn’t moved once. Good brawling exists in the background. This match feels very different than their ECW classics.
-Eddie flies from the top rope to the floor, but Dean moves and he hits the rail HARD. He might actually be a little hurt? Never mind because he hits a flawless tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Eddie looks like he’s getting jacked with the straps down now and hits a great powerbomb. He’s our first MVP.
-Malenko hits his own frog splash and makes a great face pinning, then picking his rival up from the pin. This is another dumb moment from him. Eddie’s arm definitely hurts after a wheelbarrow German. The master of the Cloverleaf is put into the hold himself.
-Syxx comes out with a camcorder and takes the US Title, but Eddie stops him. There’s another tug-o-war mess, the camera gets thrown, the title shot misses, but Dean doesn’t miss anything.
HOW DOES IT END:
Dean Malenko wins the title in 19:14 with a camcorder shot to the head
FINAL WORD: It didn’t need the interference as usual, but it’s always a great time with these two anyway.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Dean talks to Eddie through the camcorder before celebrating the win to a pop. After the replay, Mean Gene promotes the hotline and welcomes an already yelling Roddy Piper. He screams about living Uncensored, eating metal, calls Rodman “Queen Mary” and makes a bad gay joke. Arn and Flair aren’t there and he’s not happy. This is cocaine personified. I’ve never been happier to see Jeff Jarrett, Chris Benoit and Steve McMichael to interrupt this LVP promo. Double J makes a promise to work as a team. Mongo is the highlight BY FAR because he actually cuts a good, angry promo to the point where I’m going to say MVP even though I know it won’t stick. Piper tries to rile Benoit up and his ice in veins line means someone can tell what’s coming once again. The Crippler is still bad at speaking. Roddy finishes by holding up four fingers and repeating his famous changing questions line. They literally ran out of time to talk to Debra and Tony says it’s fine just to look at her sometimes. What a good gracious segment.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Psychosis vs Ultimo Dragon w/Sonny Onoo
BEFORE THE BELL: Nice black and silver outfit from Psychosis. Dragon gets a big pyro display and seems annoyed with Onoo’s camera antics. Mike Tenay joins the announce desk.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Excellent mat wrestling and trading counters somehow doesn’t lead to the crowd at least respectfully clapping. This is technically still heel versus heel. Dragon’s amazingly crisp and quick kicks get a little something.
-A top rope headstand with theatrics by Dragon is cool and he tries a Fenix-like rope walk, but slightly slips and aborts. Heenan sadly claims Dragon travels in a rickshaw.
-Psychosis hits a top rope legdrop and his boot hits his opponent in the mouth. He’s so botchy and awkward too often. He hits a great overhead dive that Brain pops huge for. A slingshot leg drop to the floor looks rough afterwards. I can never give him a compliment without a diss. It’s like that Key and Peele cooking show sketch (and there’s our reference challenge).
-Dragon hits a handspring elbow against the rail and then the Asai moonsault. Sonny picks Psychosis up and hits an impressive karate move. The ref questions him and he claims there was a slip. A moonsault back in the ring gets a two count.
-Great powerbomb sunset flip roll through counter for a near fall. A superplex attempt ends with both taking a face first bump from the top.
-Sick running Liger Bomb, but it’s not enough for Dragon. I thought he was going to try a DragonRana, but it was a crazy DDT instead. THEN, he finally finishes it.
HOW DOES IT END:
Ultimo Dragon wins in 13:17 with a Tiger Suplex
FINAL WORD: The crowd was quiet throughout, but the wrestling throughout was not.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Heenan tries to call moves on the replay and is all over the place in a funny, but offensive, way. Mean Gene at the entranceway introduces DDP to a big ovation. Macho Man won’t acknowledge him and gives the fans props for the first time, fully welcoming his face run. Amid chants, he’s asked about replacing Rick Steiner later and just wants his challenge answered. Post “BANG”, Savage responds along with Elizabeth in front of the commentators. This poor lady can’t get rid of him. He gives Page props and unveils Playboy’s Nude Celebrities. He claims to have dated Pam Anderson before showing Kimberly’s centerfold with nWo painted to hid her naughty bits and outs them as a couple. He keeps claiming to be proud and Kim comes out in a green dress totally defaced. Macho blasts DDP with a spray can from behind. He grabs Kim’s face and paints Dallas’ back before she covers him. She’s painted again BY LIZ PER HER REQUEST and she even gets to talk bad trash on the mic. Randy reiterates he likes Page, but likes Kim even more. What an MVP psycho and a hot angle. I’ve missed heel Savage.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: MARTIAL ARTS MATCH- Mortis w/James Vanderberg vs Glacier
BEFORE THE BELL: Let’s kill all the momentum, huh!?!?! Whatever, I’m amped for this and amped for Mortis period. His theme fucks hard and so does his look. Bobby debates if he’s even alive. Glacier’s theme plays too soon, then restarts for the undefeated man himself. He gets a decent reaction surprisingly with his abridged entrance (and some little flurries). There’s a little martial arts display to start.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Kanyon yells in his Jersey accent “you ain’t nothing” and ruins the character’s mystique right away. The early action is quick and the crowd is playing around with Glacier on top and constantly outsmarting his opponent.
-Nice slingshot dive and suplex on the floor by Glacier. The pin is broken up by Vanderberg and he’s chased until Mortis destroys Glacier with a baseball slide. He climbs the steps and slams Glacier on the apron.
-BUCKSHOT LARIAT BY MORTIS IN 1997! Kanyon will be a treat from here on in. He hits a Rocker Dropper, tries another and gets powerbombed.
-Glacier’s offense is unique enough. He hits a nice tilt-a-whirl slam and constantly runs the ropes in a misdirection manner. He eats a stiff kick off of one too many.
-The ref is almost hit with Glacier’s finish and Mortis lands a superkick of his own for a good two count. James holds Glacier, he evades and lands the kick on the second try.
HOW DOES IT END:
Glacier wins in 9:09 with the Cryonic Kick
FINAL WORD: Why did everyone hate this? It was a lot of fun and different! Fuck the haters!
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Mortis attacks with his stick after the bell and the manager calls for the debuting Wrath. What a look. He immediately gets Adam Bomb catcalls. They beat down Glacier and it’s capped off with a complicated Rock Bottom. This is a good package all around.
Then, they show the Steiner Brothers car wreck video. I guess PPV is okay compared to network TV. The Outsiders rear end them, talk trash and cause the car to slip off road. It’s shot and edited really well, but it’s still absurd. No charges were filed because the Steiners would rather settle it in the ring. Balderdash!
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: STRAP MATCH- Buff Bagwell vs Scotty Riggs
BEFORE THE BELL: The New World Order talk is a cue for Buff and he claims to not care about losing, but just wants to beat Riggs up. Tony tries to explain the main event rules again. Riggs still has the American Males theme! He runs Buff out of the ring and starts whipping him before the match officially begins.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Scotty is basically wearing Jarrett’s outfit. He takes a loud whip early and the posing begins.
-The chest of the heel is hit with the strap after a crotching, then he’s superplexed early. They are really swinging on one another, but just not getting the response that Austin and Savio got.
-Dusty wants to see the other Playboy pages from earlier as he reenters the LVP conversation. This is a quote from him: “a sack of cement has no legs.” After a Stun Gun, Buff continues to ask the cameraman to get closer to his face and talk smack. He really gets being a heel. He’s another begrudging MVP candidate.
-Bagwell mocks the Males overhead clap using Riggs’ hands and gets mule kicked below the belt. Things slow down, Buff tries a pin and gets pushed by Randy Anderson to a big pop. Scotty wakes up and gets a good pop firing up with the strap. He hits a powerbomb and missile dropkick. He tries to win, but gets stopped by Buff holding onto the bottom rope.
-Riggs is backdropped over the top rope with a thud on the apron, then he hung roughly. He’s out cold with his body hanging half out of the ring. Without even dragging his opponent, Buff makes his victorious walk and hits the last buckle with his butt.
HOW DOES IT END:
Buff Bagwell wins in 12:26
FINAL WORD: I have no reason to be so happy after the second American Males singles match on PPV, but here I am!
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: The core 4 of the New World Order cut a black and white promo backstage. Hogan talks about Rodman while Savage looks at the Playboy and they argue about penis size laying down? They guarantee victory and all seem HIGH AS FUCK. The promo seemingly ends three times. Hulk talks about some new initiation Rodman mentioned. Training bras and Silicone Valley being mentioned make me think the kush in SC is really good. They need the quick cuts of the prerecorded segments to avoid bonkers moments like these.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: TORNADO TAG MATCH- Harlem Heat w/Sister Sherri vs Public Enemy
BEFORE THE BELL: I’m surprised Sherri is still with Harlem Heat at this point. Public Enemy enters with the blunder and already set the table up at ringside.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Stevie starts with a series of worked shots to Johnny Grunge with a trash can lid. Meanwhile, Booker gives one UNPROTECTED to Rocco Rock with the can itself. Let the tally begin!
- “HE GOT A COMMODE LID!!!” God, just go watch Dusty during this entire match. It’s insanity. The tally is all I need with toilet seats, frying pans and lids. This will save Dusty from earning LVP.
-Sherri is constantly involved as Dusty and Bobby just laugh. Grunge is bleeding. The baking sheet shows are LOUD every time. Dusty’s laugh about Book getting hit and saying “he wore his old tired ass out” fully breaks Heenan. It’s so heartwarming.
-Sherri is on Grunge’s back, keeps missing can shots and I cannot write fast enough. Dusty apparently used to put a trash can on his brother’s head and beat him up. Sherri knocks the hair off Rocco’s head.
- “A PIZZA PAN?!?!?!” A top rope crotching makes everyone laugh and say that’s nothing compared to the rest of the match. Sherri fucks up again and she’s got a cut on her face somehow.
-Everyone is exhausted and throwing stray shots. Schiavone is getting annoyed. Dusty claims he’s been in these fights and Bobby says “yeah, dinner!”
-Chants for the table while Rocco is given a handbag to use. The pin is broken up after a splash. Sherri hits Ray for the third time on accident and gets knocked down by Johnny.
-The Big Poppa table dive lands on Stevie, but Mongo and Jarrett come out and attack Public Enemy (their original opponents on the show. Rocco takes the Haliburton to the back and then the pin.
HOW DOES IT END:
Harlem Heat win in 13:17 after Booker T pins Rocco Rock with the Harlem Hangover
FINAL WORD: That was too long, the definition of a clusterfuck and I couldn’t be smiling anymore. The final UNPROTECTED weapon shot tally: Stevie Ray took 13, Rocco Rock took 12, Booker T took 8 and Johnny Grunge took 7.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Mean Gene recaps the main event stakes and welcomes the WCW team in. Scott Steiner is on a mission and only messes up two words. He sells the upset of his brother’s injury well. The Giant whispers like Sid or guys calling their wives “bitch” (one more to go). He finally yells and Lex Luger wraps it up with complaints of antiestablishment trash and his take on society. Wrong message in 1997, Lex! However, his delivery is good when he discusses the honor of the NWA and being prepared. This may be his best promo ever.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: TV TITLE MATCH- Rey Mysterio Jr vs Prince Iaukea (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: Rey is rocking the Spider-Man look. Iaukea is rocking a lot of tribal shit. The crowd still couldn’t care less about him. Mike Tenay joins the team again and laughs about the tornado match.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The pace is fast including a tilt-a-whirl Samoan drop and a blocked springboard splash. Rey gets tons of two counts with hurricanranas and headscissors early.
-Plenty of flips and dives without much reaction. Prince hits a slingshot powerbomb and sloppy top rope dive to the floor. It sounds exciting, but there’s just a lack of energy. Prince faceplants on the floor after a springboard off the rail.
-Mysterio is trying his best, hits the Lionsault and sunset flip powerbomb while trying to work pseudo-heel. The boring catcalls REALLY start coming out and it’s just Iaukea’s presence. His work is passable enough. Even a mid-air dropkick catch can’t get them to respond.
-SCISSORING!!! It’s called by Schiavone 25 years early as both try a dropkick at the same time.
-Slams and lazy roll ups before a twisting senton, pin and the bell ringing at 11:58. Did they try to call this one early? It’s announced as a draw and people hate it even more. Rey asks for more time on mic and the crowd is surprisingly okay with it. Prince agrees.
-It immediately resumes being deserving of the LOUD “boring” chants it gets. Rey tries all kinds of jumps and flips. He hits the West Coast Pop, but it’s rolled through.
HOW DOES IT END:
Prince Iaukea retains in 13:41 with a sunset flip roll through
FINAL WORD: There’s just nothing there. Rey busted his ass, but it’s fruitless.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: The commentators put both men over strongly and they hug in the foreground of the wide shot. Spring Stampede is the next PPV and the commercial has the Horsemen ON horses. Ric Flair in all white leading the way is a cool image, but not as cool as Chris Benoit on a horse.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: TRIANGLE ELIMINATION MATCH- Team Piper (Roddy Piper, Chris Benoit, Jeff Jarrett and Steve McMichael) vs Team nWo (Hollywood Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall, Kevin Nash and Randy Savage) vs Team WCW (Lex Luger, The Giant and Scott Steiner)
BEFORE THE BELL: Michael Buffer handles the intros and claims the match will change the future. Doesn’t every match? He reads the rules. There are four rounds and eliminations occur via pin, submission, KO and over the top. Stealing a little bit from Final Four, huh? The stakes are reiterated (titles returned and a ban for WCW, title shots anytime for nWo and a cage match for Piper). He hits his catchphrase; pyro goes off and Chris Benoit walks to the ring with Piper’s bagpipes playing. What a sight. Hall naturally starts for his team. Giant starts for WCW. Couldn’t they skip this period being down one man? The match already begun with Benoit beating up Hall before getting a fallaway slam. Giant takes his time.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Giant hits a double clothesline upon finally getting in the ring. The big man dominates with chops and throws. The commentators discuss his upside.
-Benoit is chokeslammed and Hall prevents the pin. A timer ticks down and Giant is eliminated at 4:58 by missing a splash in the corner and falling over the top rope. The commentators don’t realize he’s out right away and debate if he’s even gone. Great start.
-Jeff Jarrett, Randy Savage and Lex Luger are the next men in for their respective teams. Lex hits some impressive press slams. Not much else happens.
-The third round is Mongo, Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner. Scott suplexes everyone. Mongo almost fell getting into the ring. There’s no cohesion to anything. Jeff Jarrett is eliminated at 9:15 by Nash randomly. Steve McMichael is eliminated at 9:45 by a Hall backdrop.
-Piper slowly walks down. Scott Steiner is eliminated at 10:12 by a Nash big boot. Hogan is nowhere to be seen and the timer starts again. He finally appears with Dennis Rodman in tow holding the title. Hulk is a genius: he barely works, comes in late and sticks himself to the hot celebrity act. I mean, we are talking about PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER TURNED CULTURAL ICON HULK HOGAN (and the reference challenge is done; this match is so bad, I’m putting in a picture of vegetable Gremlin here).
-Piper chokes Savage on the floor with a chain. Hulk postures and Benoit is getting destroyed by the Outsiders. Hulk finally gets in amidst big chants of “We Want Sting.” Roddy is running at half speed on everything, even brawling on the floor with Hogan. Savage comes and helps again.
-Rodman barely pulls the rope down and Roddy Piper is eliminated at 14:45 during a half jog. He’s held back by police, then punched by Hollywood upon exiting. This is so messy and stupid all around. In a triple team, Benoit is barely able to be picked up for the Outsider’s Edge. It finally lands and Chris Benoit is eliminated at 16:26 by the entire team throwing him out. It’s just the nWo vs Luger now.
-After a powwow, the four men pummel Lex. Rodman gets a shot in. Lex avoid the Jackknife and hits everyone with great fury. Randy Savage is eliminated at 18:23 with the Torture Rack. Kevin Nash is eliminated at 18:30 with a clothesline over the top. Scott Hall is eliminated at 18:45 with the Torture Rack. This is another late MVP surge that makes the crowd come alive and believe. Hogan is rocked, but Rodman gives Savage the paint can to spray in Lex’s face. Who else is left to pin him? Oh, of course!
HOW DOES IT END:
Team nWo win in 19:21 with Hollywood Hulk Hogan as the sole survivor pinning Lex Luger.
FINAL WORD: Way too chaotic and nonsensical. This was booked like a fever dream.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE: Dennis awfully slaps Lex in the face after the spray painting and gang up. The crowd isn’t mad, they’re just deflated. The team leaves the ring, there’s a big pyro BOOM and Sting descends from the rafters to A FUCKING OVATION. He attacks Hall and Nash to maybe the biggest pop I’ve ever heard on PPV. Can he be the MVP in one minute? Fuck it! He’s all over the three lesser members with his baseball bat and Scorpion Death Drops. Dusty has an epic line here: “hell has come to Uncensored and hell brought with him a baseball bat!” He points the bat at Hogan, who converses with Rodman. Sting puts the bat down and Hogan slowly makes his way into the ring. Sting turns his back to reel him in, punches Hollywood and hits the Death Drop to a roar. Tony screams “WE GOTTA GO!!!!” Bobby squeezes in “HE CAN BEAT HOGAN!!”
THE LAST IMAGE: Sting
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: Like Judi Dench at the Oscars in a couple years, Sting made the most of his time and tops everybody else in this show. He was wanted, came through and delivered. It’s incredible how they end up fucking this up so badly.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Roddy Piper has been given too much carte blanche when cutting promos and not enough conviction when wrestling.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Dean Malenko vs Eddie Guerrero
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Team nWo vs Team WCW vs Team Piper
FINAL THOUGHTS: Consider this a messier SuperBrawl VII. A lot of stuff I enjoyed probably won’t be by others, but it’s arguable. You can argue we’ve reached the storyline apex already with the Sting development and DDP really kicking into gear. It’s not pretty at times, but it’s the first Uncensored I didn’t hate myself for watching. MULLET RECOMMENDS.
NEXT TIME: WrestleMania 13. I think it’s tagline is Heat or something lame. No wonder I initially picked Uncensored.