I missed another week. Work is crazy. My house is slow to come together. My daughter is driving me up the wall. Excuses, excuses, excuses. All you want to know is how does 1996 end. It’s one of the most integral years in wrestling history and it ends with the two biggest stars up to this point (arguably to everyone but them) in a main event match once again.
I’ve mentioned the cyclical nature of this diary/journal/review before and here I am typing this in the wake of the “final” Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar match. It’s crazy that Brock is 2-3 years older than both Piper and Hogan in this Starrcade. Age and promotion and science and cosmetics and society all rush through my brain as I try to make sense of this and the year of 1996 as a whole.
There’s nothing better to do than just let the show do the talking.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 121: WCW STARRCADE 1996
Written on 7/27/22
HOW WE START: A split screen of Roddy Piper and Hollywood Hulk Hogan AKA “the two biggest icons in wrestling.” The clips are pretty boring considering this is a hyped show. The highlight is Eric Bischoff in a bad Scottish outfit. It’s fitting this show is the Granddaddy of Them All with these two old fucks. We go live in Nashville for the third straight year and Tony Schiavone promotes the main event as the match of the decade alongside Bobby Heenan and Dusty Rhodes. This looks and feels bigger live and everyone looks professional. Dusty calls it the match of the century and Bobby promoting Piper feels so odd.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: NINE BELT UNIFICATION MATCH- Ultimo Drago w/Sonny Onoo (J-Crown Champ) vs Dean Malenko (WCW Cruiserweight Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: We are kicking off hot with Dragon rocking his eight belts and having Sonny Onoo as an albatross still. He spits green mist in the ring. Malenko’s music gets a big pop. His eyes are focused as FUCK. I’ve always hated this schlub of a ref. Mike Tenay joins the team.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Mat wrestling is matched with a serious presentation early. There are some snappy reversals as well. Sonny is the first LVP with a shitty line into the camera about the extra title being used to hold his pants up.
-Dean’s pursuit of non-cruiserweight gold is discussed. Dumb ass Tennessee starts a USA chant. Schiavone is already getting made fun of by his partners for calling moves.
-The first highspot is a slam on the floor and a fake out dive into an actual one by Dragon. He stays on top and Tenay becomes the first MVP by going over the history of moves and Dragon’s connection to Bruce Lee to the point where he impresses his partners.
-Malenko focuses on the leg and hits a cool dropkick on it when Ultimo is still on the mat. The leg holds get repetitive, but Dean explodes with a powerslam to pop the crowd huge after a good sequence.
-Big nearfalls on a powerbomb and leaping tombstone by the Iceman. The crowd is all in with the quickening pace. A Tiger Bomb gets a big deflated “oh” from the crowd with the kickout.
-The Asai moonsault hits on the floor, but misses a moonsault in-ring. The Cloverleaf gets locked in dead center and Onoo causes a break by jumping on the apron. Nice false finish with a small package afterwards.
-Malenko shows some frustration after a two count from a brainbuster. An incredible series of reversals follows until a move lands and the crowd is disappointed.
HOW DOES IT END:
Ultimo Dragon wins the title at 18:31 with a bridging Tiger Suplex
FINAL WORD: The whole match, especially the last five minutes, were baller and the crowd deserves big credit here.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: After a replay, it’s time to crown a new champion of a new division.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: WOMENS TITLE TOURNAMENT FINALS- Akira Hokuto w/Sonny Onoo and Kensuke Sasaki vs Madusa
BEFORE THE BELL: I’m very happy Akira is back and I’m very unhappy David Penzer fucks her name up and Heenan makes a Dolly Parton joke. Lee Marshall joins the team because I guess he’s the women’s version of Tenay and called commentary for the whole tournament. He sounds suspect saying every Japanese name. Madusa enters with ridiculous pyro and a bimbofied look. Speaking of Dolly Parton, she looks like her in the dream sequence in 9 to 5 (and I guess I’m trying a Dolly Parton movie reference challenge).
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Crazy hair whips and energy from Hokuto at the bell. Madusa comes back until Sonny trips her.
-Madusa does the head scissors in the corner that I thought Trish Stratus came up with. Nick Patrick is notably the ref here. That’s a random Scorpion Death Lock by a totally coked up Akira.
-After her foot gets bitten, Madusa comes back. These two don’t have any synergy with their moves and spots. That’s totally supported by a horrific float over DDT and a nasty spike DDT both by the new LVP and former Alundra Blayze.
-A powerbomb botch means Madusa’s boobs get totally squashed. Even her trademark German suplexes are suspect.
-Sonny hits Madusa in the back with a flag from behind Patrick’s back. One missile dropkick and finisher later mean another odd result.
HOW DOES IT END:
Akira Hokuto wins the title in 7:06 with the Snow Plow
FINAL WORD: It was not time for the women’s evolution, that’s for sure. The performers have to share the brunt of that.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Nick’s mean mugging while raising the inaugural champ’s hand, Marshall’s mention of no interference the whole tournament and Kensuke bickering with Sonny after the bell all suck and make things worse. DDP blows smoke in the face of an AOL guy while Mark Madden is loud and fat necked beside him. Mean Gene interviews Roddy Piper in the locker room. He calls himself a midget and puts over Hogan’s danger and tan like the psycho that he is. He mentions other icons and struggles raising six kids and leaving home at a young age. He tries to leave on a Roseanne yarmulka joke then jokingly hops out when asked about his hip. Man, I wish he was focused like the last two shows.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Jushin Thunder Liger vs Rey Mysterio Jr
BEFORE THE BELL: Nashville is probably tiring of Japan with Liger out next. Rey as his opponent is a dream match. His video picture is hilariously old AKA he looks like a ten-year old boy.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-A handshake starts amid another unwise “USA” chant. Tenay excels at telling the stories of these two including Liger’s brain tumor surgery earlier in the year and Rey’s experience at the age of 21. It’s all Liger with chops and force thus far.
-Dusty mentions repetitive moves, but makes it all make sense with certain execution being more effective. Mysterio headscissors Liger over the top, but gets suplexed over the top to the floor. Jushin spams powerbombs including one on the floor.
-I’ve never seen Rey do a basic standing moonsault. It was surprisingly sloppy.
-Great mid-air dropkick by Liger blocking a springboard. Dusty gets incredulous over the name “Dragon Screw Leg Whip.” He’s a treasure. Tenay eggs him on with the technical name of Liger’s kick. Bobby is funny saying he’s going to the concession stand.
-Rey does a top rope Asai and Jushin barely catches him. Mark Curtis has a rare botch and doesn’t count Liger out. It may be Liger botching not getting back in quickly.
-Mysterio misses a springboard senton and Liger hits a top rope headbutt for two. Liger blocks a top rope hurricanrana and hits his rolling kick. Tennessee is really getting restless with these results.
HOW DOES IT END:
Jushin Thunder Liger wins in 14:16 with a sitout Liger Bomb
FINAL WORD: Naturally, it was good, but it felt like it should have been better.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: The replay shows Rey being a dick kicking out at 3.1. There’s no filler here, all killer.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: NO DQ MATCH- Chris Benoit w/Woman vs Jeff Jarrett
BEFORE THE BELL: Wrong timing with that last line because here comes Benoit and Nancy. They smile at each other and the crowd is very receptive to them. God, it’s so odd seeing them all smiles. I’m not sure why this is No DQ. Look who is coming home with ridiculous pyro again! Jarrett gets a reaction, but it’s definitely not anything special considering it’s his hometown.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Problems with the Horsemen are mentioned (including Jarrett having Flair’s support and Benoit’s escapades with Woman). The crowd likes Chris more than Jeff. Tony says Benoit always has an edge, but more so now with Woman. Sigh…there’s our omen.
-The Crippler is an MVP with his aggression and attitude thus far. Jarrett tries to mimic and gets booed. Of course!
-Schiavone actually mentions Benoit being one of the best to ever do it already. Woman grabs Jeff and pulls Chris out of the way to stay involved throughout.
-Jarrett lazily sells a side headlock on the mat like total death and wakes up at three to indifference. He really thinks he’s the face here. Double J starts no selling chops and punching/dropkicking back.
-Woman rakes the eyes when Jarrett goes for the Figure Four. Arn Anderson comes down and walks by Benoit to stand in Jeff’s corner. Hugh Morrus and Konnan try to kidnap Woman and she fights them off. Taskmaster sneaks in and hits Benoit off camera with a chair while Arn DDTs Jarrett on the floor. He throws him back in the ring, but it’s accidentally on top of his opponent.
HOW DOES IT END:
Jeff Jarrett wins in 13:48 after a Taskmaster wooden chair shot to the head UNPROTECTED
FINAL WORD: A confusing, but ultimately fun enough, affair (pun intended)
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Mean Gene tries to stop Arn on his way back, but gets ignored. Jarrett won’t talk either. Gene’s mic is messed up and Benoit/Woman make it the rule of threes on silence. Mongo and Debra randomly appear to talk. His outfit is SENSATIONAL. He yells nonsense and Debra gets big heel heat opening her mouth. The audio issues make her barely audible throughout. She claims Woman has been “rode hard and put up wet.” Good lord, this is the tip of the LVP iceberg for her. What a cunt. The replay finally shows Morrus taking a snug low blow, the chair shot finally and Arn’s surprise at Jeff’s winning. Schiavone introduces a package about Sting with distorted images, Lex’s begging for him to come back to his side and mixed signals and attacks. Short, simple and effective as hell.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: TAG TITLE MATCH- The Faces of Fear w/Jimmy Hart vs The Outsiders w/Syxx (Champs)
BEFORE THE BELL: The first instance of the nWo music is the Outsiders and Nick Patrick is the ref. Nash obviously had a recent dye job. I love the random nWo sign that also said “Die Jeff Jarrett” in the corner of it and the close ups of signs referencing the WWF. The challengers come down next. This is such a disappointing match at the biggest show of the year for the white-hot Outsiders. Patrick takes an eternity with instructions and shit before the bell. Schiavone jumps on Bobby for his mixed allegiances.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Meng and Hall start. Meng beats the shit out of him and some grazing shots and bulldog turn the tide.
-Barbarian versus Nash is somehow better. Things devolve into clubbering all over Nash by both men and a double headbutt is no sold and answered with a double headbutt to Nash himself.
-Barbarian takes the heat. As usual, the match has decent energy and vigor. It feels like a fight.
-Meng has a great piledriver. Nick’s counts are slow as fuck. The heel takes some big shots (boots, powerbombs, etc.) and obviously calling spots.
-Syxx steals Jimmy Hart’s megaphone and chases him to the back. Hall is knocked out in a nerve hold, but Patrikc won’t check his arm until he comes to life.
-Kevin tags in and hits a big boot. All four get in the ring and Hall and Meng tumble outside. Barbarian misses a boot of his own and gets nailed with the finish.
HOW DOES IT END:
The Outsiders retain in 11:54 when Kevin Nash pins The Barbarian with the Jackknife
FINAL WORD: Nick Patrick’s typical distracting aside, I’m digging these early Outsider tag wars.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: The New World Order has requested equal time compared to Piper, so Ted DiBiase interviews Hollywood Hulk Hogan with their own backdrop along with Vincent and Elizabeth. Her facial expressions distract from this awkward Hogan promo. He’s better live than backstage with his heel persona. His material of Piper’s kids and his shirts is odd. Saying things like “Hollywood Day” and “sucka” and “Hollywood Style” don’t help. He ends by sending up “whatcha gonna do.” Total meh.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: VACANT US TITLE TOURNAMENT FINALS-Diamond Dallas Page vs Eddie Guerrero
BEFORE THE BELL: Back to no commentary for Dallas’ entrance because of the theme dub. Eddie’s pyro scares the commentary team.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The belt is absent because The Giant still has it. Hall and Nash have helped Page get to this point. A brawl on floor has DDP get the advantage and the males in the crowd loudly cheer for him. Dusty wisely points it out and talks about times changing.
-Bobby is apparently just gone while Tony and Dusty talk scalpers and Eddie works the arm and hits a dive. DDP takes over with a Stun Gun and weird piledriver. Tony has been doing an MVP job recapping histories on this show, this match included.
-Heenan is back and has a great explanation on how to cheat in an abdominal stretch better. The fans support Page lying to the ref and gets caught. They try the Triple H/Hebner spot to no response.
-Guerrero takes over and gets booed. He misses the frog splash, but his legs still catch Dallas rolling away. A good series of near falls and reversals follow to wake the crowd up.
-On a double down, the Outsiders and Syxx run down. Hall hits Page with the Outsiders Edge behind the ref’s back. He apparently turned down their offer for help earlier. I guess it’s time for Eddie’s first PPV win finally. It’s naturally overshadowed.
HOW DOES IT END:
Eddie Guerrero wins the title in 15:19 with the Frog Splash
FINAL WORD: Some solid wrestling and a fun set up for some pretty epic stuff in the future.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Eddie fights off all three men after the bell to an awesome reaction before Nash finally slows him down. Syxx gets the focus and steals the new belt they made. They jaw at DDP before a Souled Out commercial is edited out. The nWo theme just keeps rolling.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: The Giant vs Lex Luger
BEFORE THE BELL: It looks like Giant hasn’t slept in days. It’s like he is Sally Field at Julia Roberts’ bedside in Steel Magnolias (not referencing Dolly herself, but still a movie of hers, so we are one away). Lex enters looking cool as hell. Tony puts him over as the leader of WCW and the hottest guy at the moment. It’s brilliant having Mark Curtis ref Giant matches because it makes him look even bigger.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-It takes a minute for the initial lock up, then they stay in it for another minute. Lex talks and punches Giant woozy. This repeats for another minute. Work smarter, not harder. A big clothesline and elbow by the heel finally gets us really going.
-Slow, methodical shots, whips and punishment causes Luger to oversell as usual. He can’t slam the Giant and gets squashed again.
-Giant misses a corner attack and gets stuck up top. Lex knocks him down instead of trying the rack and gets booted. Boy, this is taking forever. Giant misses a silly dropkick and gets knocked wobbly again before getting dropped with a big neckbreaker. A kick out squashes poor Curtis.
-Nick Patrick comes down as Giant gets slammed. Lex tries the rack and Patrick kicks his leg out. He’s thrown out and Sting creeps in through the crowd. Bobby finally calls Nick’s allegiances out. Lex gets him up in the rack for a couple second and Syxx kicks him. There’s too much kerfuffle and it ruins the big moment.
-In the ring, Sting pushes Patrick with the bat and leaves it in the center of the ring. He whispers to both men before leaving. Lex hits a low blow on Giant and gets three shots in and becomes an MVP threat just for the crowd explosion and how over he is in victory.
HOW DOES IT END:
Lex Luger wins in 13:23 after three baseball bat shots to the leg
FINAL WORD: That was a dogshit match, but a show dog story.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Tony puts it over as the first nWo loss beautifully. He continues his MVP push. Giant is upset after the loss and the commentators sell the lack of help well. There’s an extensive replay. Then, it’s time for the moment we’ve been waiting for.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: MATCH OF THE DECADE/CENTURY: Hollywood Hulk Hogan w/Ted DiBiase vs Roddy Piper
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Michael Buffer is trusted with the introductions. Hogan enters with his lame crew. He has some over the top LVP mannerisms in his entrance. Piper gets a huge ovation. It’s still weird he’s originally billed from Glasgow. Loud “Roddy” chants. I have to say that the vibes are pretty cool. Look at Vincent holding the WCW Title. It’s less of a fit than Dolly Parton and James Woods as a couple in Straight Talk (thank goodness that’s over). Randy Anderson is the referee and given props by the commentators. Liz and Vincent leave. This is notably non-title.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-There’s naturally 70 seconds of stalling before a lock up. Hulk talks tough and dishes some shitty face slaps. A flurry of punches look ridiculous because of Hulk and he powders.
-Ludicrous belly rakes by Hogan and ludicrous eye pokes by Piper. Cornette was right about them one year from now.
-A long headlock leads to more brawling and attempts by Hollywood to leave. Piper retrieves him and whips him with his belt. Ted trips the Hot Scot and allows Hogan the chance to come back.
-Hulk starts kicking the hip and it’s pointed out as the same injury as Bo Jackson. DiBiase trips the Rowdy One again and things break down. Hair is pulled out and there’s the worst small package ever. They are slowly deteriorating as is the crowd.
-A suplex looks like agony. A random leg drop misses. Giant comes down, gets in the ring and grabs Piper in full view of the ref. A fan jumps in the ring to fuck things up even worse. As security attends to that, Roddy evades the chokeslam and slaps on Goodnight Irene (RIP Adrian Adonis). Some of this final mess is out of their control. That said, Randy Anderson sells the finish beautifully as does everyone else.
HOW DOES IT END:
Roddy Piper wins in 15:36 with the sleeper hold
FINAL WORD: Ugly in so many ways, but oddly satisfying in the final moments because of the crowd and finish itself.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE: The shock continues with the big pop and Piper stands triumphantly. The announcers lose their minds. Hulk is a smart businessman and gives up his first clean loss in six years. The Outsiders run down and get beaten up by Piper before he gets out of dodge. Giant leaves, too. Hulk is totally out and Giant stares at his teammates. Piper’s kid and some Scottish guy celebrate with Piper near the entrance. Hulk finally comes to and catches up to Giant. This is the first instance of disarray for them. Giant yells back about lack of back up and gets big chants while Hogan tries to smooth things over and reiterate Giant dropped the ball. “Hogan sucks” chants and Hulk yells for Vincent to bring his belt. His music plays to end it and he yells in the camera about the match being non-title before spitting in the lens. The announcers sign off with Hulk posing with his back to the camera, then a random cut and credits.
THE LAST IMAGE: Some random fan with a nWo shirt.
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: I have to give this to Tony Schiavone who was at the top of his game the whole show and put over the stories in a big way while having a lot of fun.
FINAL LVP of PPV: It’s a shame that the women’s division fell apart because of the woman it was brought back for: Madusa. She was totally off the entire match.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Ultimo Dragon vs Dean Malenko
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Akira Hokuto vs Madusa
FINAL THOUGHTS: It was a typical WCW PPV in that the undercard delivered and the top matches weren’t great from a technical aspect. However, the show’s magnitude, developments and all-around succinctness made it a good time. A lot of good without a lot of great, but also very little bad that didn’t at least have some zip to it means I’m satisfied. MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: 1997 starts in the Alamodome for the Royal Rumble. It’s one man’s homecoming, but another man’s third or fourth coming out party.