The title of today’s show couldn’t be more appropriate for my life at the moment because it feels like I’m fighting the third world war.

I’ve received a very nice promotion at work, but it’s one of the busiest and hardest jobs because of how much the company I work for is growing and what my role is in that growth. My lovely family and I have moved to our new house and it’s amazing, but it’s a LOT of work. We’ve painted, put in new floors and plan on doing so much more all the while trying to work and unpack and entertain our five-year-old as she prepares to start kindergarten in a month’s time.

I had this nice intro prepared in my head detailing my memories of watching this show as a kid. My step-grandmother was staying at our house and would pass away two days later. She was very sweet in watching this show with me on essentially her deathbed. Instead, I’m regaling whoever is actually reading this with my personal problems as an excuse to why I’m missing a self-imposed deadline for a project I’m obsessed with. Don’t turn into Hunter S. Thompson again.

Before I continue to devolve, let’s just see what’s going on with the nWo’s dominance over Ted Turner’s booming promotion, shall we?

PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 119: WCW WORLD WAR 3 1996

Written on 6/10/22

HOW WE START: There’s a big map with all of the wrestlers gunning for the title shot in the main event battle royal. There will also be cruiserweight action, the Quebecers are around now and the New World Order has weird matches like a Triangle bout and Nick Patrick wrestling. Norfolk is so lucky to get three rings again and Tony Schiavone welcomes us alongside Dusty Rhodes and Bobby Heenan. The Brain is more concerned about Roddy Piper and Hollywood Hogan’s contract signing tonight. Eric Bischoff just turned heel and everything is tense.

MATCH NUMBER ONE: J CROWN CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH- Rey Mysterio Jr vs Ultimo Dragon w/Sonny Onoo (Champ)

BEFORE THE BELL: Rey’s music gets a good pop and he’s rocking, arguably, his most popular WCW gear- the Spider-Man look. It’s silly that he has to taunt in all three rings. This one is all about the numbers because he is gunning for all eight belts that Dragon currently holds. You know I’m going to give you that epic picture, but just wait a little while longer. Bobby delegitimizes the whole thing with a hubcap joke. It would be great if we could stop calling him “Ultimate” as well.

WHAT STANDS OUT

-The commentators solely talk about Bischoff and making sense of the group’s preferential treatment. A great sequence of wristlock counters leads to springboard attempts and other misses before a standoff and big applause from the people.

-Bobby’s history with Onoo is mentioned as the champ hits a great German suplex and flapjack. He’s our first MVP and those stiff kicks don’t hurt the case either.

-That case is furthered with a cool spinning submission and a powerbomb into a deadlift Stun Gun. God, he’s so awesome. Now a giant swing?!?! Was Cesaro Ultimo Dragon this whole time? The crowd is loving this.

-A LEAPING Tombstone can’t get the job done, so Dragon hits a simpler one on the floor and a diving splash to the floor right behind the announcers. That causes them to launch more jokes.

-Ultimo hits a running powerbomb and Rey’s kickouts are insane. He finally gets some offense including a double jump moonsault that only grazes his opponent, but he makes sure to really hit a double jump dive to the floor.

-Dragon survives an amazing cartwheel hurricanrana and Rey survives an amazing Dragon suplex. Many near fall roll ups follow and a West Coast Pop counter finally does the trick.

HOW DOES IT END:

Ultimo Dragon retains in 13:47 with a slingshot powerbomb

FINAL WORD: That was SO MUCH better than their already good match at Hog Wild and the crowd was all of the difference. You’ve earned that picture now.

THE STUFF IN BETWEEN: Mean Gene is back after a contract hiatus and talks about the new WCW website and it’s hysterical. There are 8,000 slots to listen to Mark Madden talk about the show! DDP is brought in to discuss the nWo’s recruitment of him. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but Gene pushes and mentions his status as Eric’s neighbor. He’s just focused on the main event and mentions winning Battlebowl earlier in the year. It’s a decent promo with a mix of old Page (avoiding questions) and new Page (hitting a “BANG” at the end).

MATCH NUMBER TWO: ONE ARM TIED BEHIND BACK MATCH- Nick Patrick vs Chris Jericho w/Teddy Long

BEFORE THE BELL: The show’s theme is the entrance music for Patrick as a fucking wrestler. Look at this goon in his neck brace, robe, sunglasses and striped outfit. It’s an LVP look, but he’s getting decent heel heat. Jericho enters while Schiavone talks about Patrick’s wrestling experience. Why the fuck is he managed by Teddy Long??!?! I don’t remember that! At least he’s getting cheered. Teddy apparently got Jericho into the mess of working with the one arm tied behind his back. Of course Nick has a shitty arm tattoo and talks bad trash into the camera.

WHAT STANDS OUT

-Exaggerated bumps and antics by the usual ref early, then stalling and typical face pandering with a “Patrick sucks” chant started.

-Patrick tries a test of strength mockingly and applies a wristlock. His faces and yells are just too much. He trades pushes with Long on the floor and I hate that the crowd is really into this.

-A brawl on the floor leads to Chris hitting the post with his good arm and then he has to start selling for Patrick. How shameful. Patrick’s punches make Shane McMahon’s look like Ivan Drago’s on Apollo Creed. I know I did a Stallone movie challenge in the past, but it didn’t touch on Rocky IV. That’s the reference challenge for today then.

-More abysmal offense before the nWo member gets caught up top and thrown off by one arm. This thankfully means we are done.

HOW DOES IT END:

Chris Jericho wins in 8:02 with a superkick

FINAL WORD: Chris Jericho’s first PPV win is against a referee. Yeah, eventually leaving is the right choice.

THE STUFF IN BETWEEN: The commentators preview the main event and the contract signing even more. It’s all good stuff, but overkill at this point. Marcus Bagwell is shown talking on the website. Boy, what a misuse of the internet. Mean Gene by the entranceway introduces Ric Flair with his arm in a sling to a great response. He says nothing of substance, but promises the wrestling public that the nWo will belong to WCW. Meds, booze and partying have got him for sure. I won’t write LVP out of respect.

MATCH NUMBER THREE: RETURN GRUDGE MATCH- The Giant vs Jeff Jarrett

BEFORE THE BELL: The Giant walks through the crowd to the ring. It’s crazy seeing the US Title being able to fit around his waist. Jarrett enters with pyro and a confused crowd response. Just like me, they have no idea if he’s a heel or a face.

WHAT STANDS OUT

-Jarrett jumps at the bell, but one simple shove stops that and gets a big pop. Everything Giant does is cheered because nWo is cool and Jarrett is lame. It’s that easy.

-The Giant’s turn is predicated on getting movie opportunities from Hogan and Jingle All the Way is mentioned right as I’m about to complain that it wasn’t.

-The crowd is pointing and stirring about something while the match bores. It’s Sting shown walking in the catwalk. He makes his way down through the rapturous people. Giant goes over the top rope and Sting sneaks up behind Jarrett and hits the Scorpion Death Drop. Dusty insists he’s with the nWo while the ref doesn’t notice anything. Giant back in and we’re finished here.

HOW DOES IT END:

The Giant wins in 6:05 with the chokeslam

FINAL WORD: That was all about Sting and that’s probably for the best because his presence is cool as fuck and the match was anything but.

THE STUFF IN BETWEEN: The replay shows Jarrett tapping Giant to put him down in the chokeslam. What a pussy. No time to digest because the bagpipes play and Roddy Piper enters with paper in hand. He’s very fucking over. He calls Hogan out and Bischoff leads Ted DiBiase and Vincent out. The new heel says Hulk is busy reading scripts, but has his POA. He’s definitely smarmier, but you can see his future. Piper tells Vincent he taught him how to fight and calls Eric “Eddie Munster” and “New Kid on the Block.” He’s all over the place as expected. He tongue in cheek calls EB “gag” in a happy way and threatens to KO him while getting hit with trash from the crowd. He insists on getting words out and slaps his new boss’ hand away from his Starrcade contract for “the Fight of the Century.” Hogan is called out again and the music brings the whole crew down while the in-ring duo still bicker. Elizabeth is with them now, Syxx has a camcorder and the Outsiders are the coolest guys in the room. Big “Hogan sucks” chants when he claims Piper is not his equal anymore and calls out his hip. That takes Roddy aback and he's forced to show the gnarly scar he has after trying to hide it. Hulk calls him a cripple and delivers some MVP worthy heel work. After calling Piper a gimp, Hogan is slapped and the entire gang tries to hold the Hot Scot down. The hip is hit with a chair, then Hogan totally whiffs some kind of chop block. They paint “nWo” on the hip and Bischoff claims they are too much before spitting and celebrating. It’s funny how the group can go in and out of crowd support so effortlessly. It’s like the fight in Russia and Rocky ending the Cold War (one more to go). Piper fights his way to his feet, pushes the table over and says Hogan is in trouble if that’s all he’s got. He limps to the back and stops/crawls out by the end. This was all decent, but overblown.

MATCH NUMBER FOUR: The Amazing French Canadians w/Col. Parker vs Harlem Heat w/Sister Sherri

BEFORE THE BELL: The former Quebecers have a dumb name, a manager with a dumb outfit and O’ Canada for music. Parker is funny saying “Viva Quebec!” Heat enter and Sherri gets five minutes with her former lover if they win. She has way too much glitter on. Pierre is still rocking the eye patch. Jacques gets mic time and they sing the national anthem. So, they are just Volkoff and Sheik? I wonder why Rougeau always got to sing. Stevie and Sherri make lame comments into the camera and Book is the best as usual just by egging the booing on.

WHAT STANDS OUT

-Book and Jacques start. I’m surprised the old Mountie has the better kip-up. Stevie won’t bump for Jacques, so PCO comes in and makes him. A high angle belly-to-back stops all of that.

-Booker T is the best brother of all time- he’s so good and over, yet stays with his brother for so long. Parker stomps on him after the rope is pulled down and the Canadians hit a good high/low combo.

-Jacques and Pierre still have something going with decent double team attacks. Stevie tags in and shows some good power. Dusty saying “Ouellete” is the highlight of it all. All four men are in the ring and the ref gets bumped.

-Stevie takes a spike piledriver and the heels get a table to place on the top rope. Then, they place the steel steps on top. Oh man, PCO was already crazy! The elevated cannonball misses in a crazy spot! The other top rope move doesn’t miss.

HOW DOES IT END:

Harlem Heat win in 9:14 when Booker T pins Pierre Carl Oulette after the Harlem Hangover

FINAL WORD: That ending was wild enough for such a tame match to make me pretty happy with the whole situation.

THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Sherri slugs Parker and I thought this was an official match for a hot second because the ref is still in the ring. The man is thrown over the top rope and he’s chased to another ring. Sherri hits a diving clothesline and Dusty thinks a woman beating up Parker is the funniest thing ever. A top rope cross body has the ref count and Parker kicks out at two. The colonel bails and everyone leaves, so I’m not counting it. Bobby and Dusty are having a blast. Piper is discussed more while the mess is cleaned up in the ring. A Starrcade commercial features that mental patient guy again. Bischoff really hired everyone, huh? Mean Gene interviews Lex Luger backstage about Sting recently handing him a baseball bat. Lex still has doubts about him and thinks he’s nWo. Dolt. The following promo is interesting and Gene calls him the favorite in the main event. See what happens when he slows down? That was pretty good!

MATCH NUMBER FIVE: CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH- Psychosis vs Dean Malenko (Champ)

BEFORE THE BELL: The challenger looks like he has a mouth full of stuff to spit and he does in a wide shot. What a waste. Dean enters to a big pop even though I think he’s the heel based on Psychosis slapping a couple of hands.

WHAT STANDS OUT

-Tenay is sorely missed even though Rhodes points out this is their first time facing one another. Schiavone mentions a recent time limit draw with TV Champ Steven Regal for Psychosis and Bobby claims he looks like Peg Bundy. Now you know where everyone is at.

-Lot of grappling and chain wrestling early, but it’s seemingly not at full speed. There’s a lot of standoffs without the same energy from the crowd.

-The crowd is distracted by something and not paying much attention, but there’s not that much happening anyway. The three commentary teams for the main event are discussed. Psychosis is totally off tonight, not selling kicks and badly slipping from the top to the floor and braining himself on the rail. That kills the crowd even more and makes him LVP.

-Malenko seems flustered while Brain and Dream claim he never gets flustered. He hits a single leg crab, Tiger Bomb and applies the Cloverleaf, but the challenger gets right to the ropes. They should have gone home there.

-I cannot stress how off these two are together. The pace is lulled and there’s no chemistry. The masked man hits a pumphandle backbreaker on the floor and a crazy twisting dive to get a little jolt from the people. He immediately fucks up a springboard leg drop back into the ring and we’re back to hearing a pin drop.

-Heenan has a great line after Dusty wonders if he could be a cruiserweight by telling him his parents wouldn’t let him wrestle at six months. The perpetual Tombstone counter finally ends with Iceman hitting it and wrapping this mercifully up.

HOW DOES IT END:

Dean Malenko retains in 14:34 with a bridging roll up

FINAL WORD: What a shockingly bad match. The styles crashed as opposed to clash.

THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: The nWo music will always get a pop in this era especially when it’s following up that mess.

MATCH NUMBER SIX: TRIANGLE MATCH FOR THE WCW TAG TEAM TITLES- The Nasty Boys vs The Faces of Fear w/Jimmy Hart vs The Outsiders (Champs)

BEFORE THE BELL: The champs enter first and Nash is making all the faces. Tony has apparently been bothered and intimidated by them lately. The Nasties come down with pyro and run into the ring to start the match without the third team and their music continuing to run. Call New Jack! Hall and Nash get knocked to the floor and the Dungeon music finally causes the final team to rush out and keep it hot on the floor.

WHAT STANDS OUT

-The WCW guys temporarily team up, then trade clubbering blows (trademark Dusty Rhodes). Knobbs and Sags previously tried to join the black and white, but were rejected and now exude this weird energy.

-Things settle while Barbarian and Knobbs battle. Jimmy’s jacket has cute skulls on the shoulders and what I think is the Misfits logo on the back. These four idiots beat each other up while Nash smokes an imaginary cigarette on the apron. Schiavone is butthurt about the lack of support from his partners.

-The Outsiders keep dipping in and out with tags. Barbarian continues to impress me as of late. You can tell there’s legit heat between nWo and sloppy ass Sags.

-Sags and Nash scrum any chance they can and Big Sexy is the most popular guy in the room at the moment. The Faces of Fear get tagged in against one another and it always takes me out of the match. They don’t touch and Knobbs comes back in.

-Meng goes HAM on Nash, but not like Sags. He makes the former Diesel really explode and become an MVP threat with rare fire. That said, it’s quite an image seeing Meng piledrive Knobbs.

-Lots of low blows are totally ignored. Come on, Mark Curtis! Meng and Knobbs tag Hall and Nash in together. STUPIDITY!!! Bobby is angry and points out the logic flaw in how they can retain. They try it and the other four guys block the pin.

-All six guys brawl and Hart gets hit by Knobbs. That means Halls ends up with the megaphone and Nash puts the bow on it.

HOW DOES IT END:

The Outsiders retain in 16:10 when Kevin Nash pins Brian Knobbs after the Jackknife

FINAL WORD: WCW Triangle matches are messier than Paulie’s robot sex (and the challenge is done).

THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: I’ll always love Kevin Nash laying down for a pin, even in a slo-mo replay. It’s main event time, but that doesn’t stop Dusty from going back to Piper and Hogan before leaving to join his temporary broadcasting partner.

MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: SIXTY MAN BATTLE ROYAL FOR THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDERSHIP TO THE WCW TITLE

BEFORE THE BELL: Ring three is Lee Marshall and Larry Zbyszko and they discuss the Horsemen/Dungeon battle and a battle between Chris Benoit and Kevin Sullivan in a house show bathroom the previous night. Ring one is Dusty and Mike Tenay. The former is just a jumble of words by this point. Before Penzer reads the names, the announcers pick their winners: Lee says Nash, Larry say Lex, Dusty says Konnan or Lex, Tenay says Lex, Bobby says Malenko and Tony says Giant. One of these guys is a dick.

The combatants are Lex Luger, Eddie Guerrero, Tony Rumble (what?!?!), DDP, both members of High Voltage, VK Wallstreet, the American Males Craig Pittman, Harlem Heat, Big Bubba, Hugh Morrus, Konnan, Ron Studd (the former Yeti holding his head), Steven Regal, La Parka, Pez Whatley, Steve McMichael (with Debra still clinging to him), Disco Inferno, The Renegade (how sad), Joe Gomez, Faces of Fear, Bunkhouse Buck, Arn Anderson, Johnny Grunge (Rocco must be hurt), Ciclope, Galaxy (who totally confuses Schiavone mid-sentence), The Outsiders, Syxx, Giant (all cool and together and Nash has a vodka Collins apparently), Scott Norton, Ultimo Dragon, Jimmy Graffiti (Jimmy Del Ray got signed?!?!), Mike Enos, Rey Mysterio Jr, Roadblock, Ice Train, Jack Boot (Sgt Buddy Lee Parker with a stupider name), Jim Duggan (still ridiculously over), Chris Benoit (with Woman and massive bruises all over his face AKA a sign of things to come), Juventud Guerrera, The Amazing French Canadians, Prince Iaukea, Dean Malenko, Jeff Jarrett, Bobby Eaton (not a Blueblood), Jim Powers, Dave Taylor, Chris Jericho, Alex Wright, Mark Starr, Villaino IV (had to look up online to confirm the number), JL, Rick Steiner (without Scott) and the Taskmaster. Benoit and Sullivan brawl on the floor causing a huge fight between the two stables as the match begins with all of this happening.

WHAT STANDS OUT

-The brawl rolls into the crowd. The three-screen set up is here and God bless Mike Tenay for trying to call his ring’s action.

-Benoit and Bubba roll down the steps. Tenay calls Mark Curtis by his shoot name. Lee gets nailed in the middle of the faction fight. The New World Order is just watching this as a gang in ring. It’s pure insanity. We see Enos get eliminated and we’re told all of the Horsemen and Dungeon members are out as well.

-Barbarian stomps Marshall and nobody seems to care. He gets up soon and plugs back in while Rumble and Ciclope are anticlimactically ousted. Lee incredulously mocks the questions he now gets for his status. It’s funny hearing him shit on Larry and even funnier hearing Dusty call Ron “Big John Studd.”

-Luger dumps Parka off camera and somehow Norton is gone at the same time as fucking Pistol Pez. The nWo eliminated Graffiti, Galaxy and Renegade all at once. This is impossible to track.

-I’m glad they made sure to get Mark Starr’s elimination clear as day on camera. The kayfabe Kliq decides to pick on Joe Gomez while Kaos and Iaukea says goodbye. In the middle of the other chaos, Dragon and Rey try to run top rope spots.

-Why does Disco’s butt say “Le Freak”? Giant and Roadblock square up and you know how that ends. At least it’s a decisive exit for the fat guy. JL also leaves and Disco does the Macarena leading to Rey beating the shit out of him to a big pop.

-Ring one leads a big procession on Studd in the corner in a nice spot. Lex puts the cap on it and almost gets eliminated jumping on the top of the pile. Meanwhile, Ultimo does a casual headstand on the top rope with Syxx.

-The Canadians and Duggan tumble out together. How the fuck is Jim Powers still in? The Males implode and argue because it’s almost Buff time. Eaton is out and Guerrero jumps over the top, but gets ignored like Macho Man in the 1992 Rumble.

-Wallstreet and Taylor exit at the same time in different rings. Marshall gets confused and pointedly says Scott Steiner is out. Jericho dropkicks Juvi to the floor. I love that Dragon can stand out even in a battle royal and strengthens his MVP status. The ring merging happens as unorganized as you’d expect.

-Regal and Page keep trying to avoid the action and weave in and out of the ring. Lee says “no shit” under his breath when it’s mentioned he was almost eliminated earlier. Someone says “how about Jack Boot” and he’s promptly eliminated by Scott Hall.

-DDP gets rid of Grunge and he holds his knee fresh off of surgery. Powers finally leaves and Lex almost gets Giant out to a big pop. Malenko randomly hits the floor by Jarrett and Page continues his roll eliminating Pittman. Booker knocks a monitor off for Ring 2 on his exit.

-Jericho vs DDP in this era is riveting to me. Disco is still hanging on and surprising people, so Nash chucks him right then and there. He sells it like death. Wright is racking up eliminations and knocks Bunkhouse to the floor. In a spree, we lose Stevie, Studd, Rick Steiner and Dragon (from a Rey headscissors reversal).

-They’re dropping like flies! Heenan claims the head count is 68 to big laughs. Regal eliminates Jericho and Ice Train is pushed out for the final 10. Goodbye three screens and hello WCW vs nWo! DDP toes the line in the middle. Hall mocks Jarrett’s strut and the master of it replies with his version to start the battle.

-Regal backdrops Eddie out and then the Giant ONE HAND PRESSES REY OVER THE TOP. Disgusting.

-His Lordship looks in all directions and saves Jarrett from the Outsider Edge. It still leads to Double J getting eliminated. Page gets the rope pulled on him by Regal and he’s gone. A four-on-one gets the TV Champ out in a nice little rub as the only champ the company has. It’s just nWo versus Lex now to a big pop. Larry sets the tone well and this is finally good.

-Luger makes a late MVP case with his energy and crowd support. He racks the Giant for two seconds, backdrops Hall, press slams Syxx over the top and literally engages goosebumps in me for this rally. He racks Nash, but Giant takes advantage and dumps them both to massive disappointment.

HOW DOES IT END:

The Giant wins in 28:26

FINAL WORD: That was a great ending to a calamity. It was better than the first one because of the final couple moments.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE: The posts explode with big pyro. Giant helps a slow to get up Nash back into the ring and the heels pose and celebrate in the ring. The Giant gets put over huge and he poses like Hogan. After one last post, Schiavone signs off.

THE LAST IMAGE: Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, The Giant and Syxx

THE WRAP UP

FINAL MVP of PPV: Boy, Lex Luger almost snatched this away. However, Ultimo Dragon had the moves, the most eye-catching match and the ability to get attention better than anyone else.

FINAL LVP of PPV: Psychosis failed to have a good match with Dean Malenko while Nick Patrick sucked, but did his job of being hated. It’s that simple sometimes.

MY FAVORITE MATCH: Ultimo Dragon vs Rey Mysterio Jr

MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Chris Jericho vs Nick Patrick

FINAL THOUGHTS: That show was nothing but a promo for Roddy Piper vs Hollywood Hogan next month and a way to continue the nWo dominance. It was nothing to write home about to the point where I struggle to even summarize the show. Sting, Luger and DDP all had important developments, but the main event is still a bad idea and no matches besides the opener were beyond passable. Passable is what this show is. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND

NEXT TIME: It’s Time. Get it? Fuck, I’m busy and tired.