I’m so fucking busy.
My wife and I are in the process of putting our house on the market and that takes a lot of work (packing, staging, painting, etc). I’m hopefully receiving a promotion soon, but my current job is still incredibly demanding and time consuming. My five-year old daughter is the most amazing handful. A trip to Key West is approaching as is Mother’s Day, a bachelor party and a bunch of other concerts and events I’m trying to attend.
This project has become part of that full schedule, but it’s also a release. Having big, historic events like the birth of Austin 3:16 and the New World Order has added some pressure with more eyes potentially on this little blog. Today is not one of those shows, so I can breathe easier. These are needed at the moment. That’s until I’m watching them and I wonder if I should be spending my time doing something else.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 111-WWF IN YOUR HOUSE: INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT
Written on 4/15/22
HOW WE START: Jose Lothario and Jim Cornette fighting on the Free for All? Alrighty then! Vader and Shawn Michaels run out and face off before official intervene. A newslike title card pops up and we go live in Vancouver with Vince McMahon welcoming us on commentary.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: NON-TITLE MATCH- The Smokin Gunns w/Sunny vs The BodyDonnas
BEFORE WE START: The champs and their manager are already walking to the ring. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are with Vince on headsets tonight. Let’s go back to Sunny and her hat/outfit please. Man, what a sad story she is. Skip and Zip cut a promo backstage without Kloudy because they already got rid of them. All they needed were the fans. Yuck. Lawler is the first MVP with a good joke about Kloudy going on enough blind dates to get a free dog. The new babyfaces enter and aren’t over no matter how many hands they slap. It’s notable that this is non-title. I can’t remember if Billy’s haircut existed last month, so I won’t call Bitchcake yet. Harvey Wippleman is called out as the ref.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The heels bail quickly after some sloppy, early attacks. Canada is already chanting shit I can’t understand. Vince announces no Jake Roberts tonight and claims it’s an injury. It’s a cover for him famously no showing.
-Bart is isolated for some time and Billy comes in with good fire and attitude. The Fameasser is still called the Rocker Dropper by Vince. The Grizzlies and Canucks are made fun of by Lawler.
-McMahon is the first LVP for not listening to Ross and claiming the Godwinns are quicker than the Bodydonnas. The match is so boring that all I’m doing is listening to the commentary. Right as I say that, Sunny pretends to collapse and Skip helps her like a dolt and falls into the trap. Boy, look at Sunny bounce. The replay makes her an MVP for shushing the camera and winking ahead of the spot.
-WOW, that’s an earned Bitchcake moment: Billy totally botches a leapfrog double team and can’t get over his partner.
-Brian Pillman is running the Superstar line? Yeesh, that’s a bad idea in like 10 different ways. Skip takes the heat for some time until Zip finally tags in. He’s tripped soon after, but Billy is distracted by Sunny on the floor and misses his chance to help Bart hit their finish. It costs them the W.
HOW DOES IT END:
The BodyDonnas win in 13:05 when Zip pins Bart Gunn after Skip dropkicks Bart holding Zip in the sidewalk position.
FINAL WORD: The highlight was Sunny. Don’t worry, I got your picture fix.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Sunny freaks out in a great way, just laying on the mat and pouting. Mr. Perfect interviews Camp Cornette. Vader is offscreen going crazy. The Free for All is shown again and Corny says everyone will get a refund at home and live if they lose. The Mastodon earns an MVP nod for making great faces and noises. Owen is the first person to mention Sycho Sid as the Ultimate Warrior’s replacement.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Mankind vs Henry Godwinn w/Hillbilly Jim
BEFORE THE BELL: King makes jokes at Jake’s expense as his scheduled opponent walks out. Godwinn enters afterwards and I’m really sick of this dub. Let’s take up funds to buy the rights for Don’t Go Messing with a Country Boy! Send Andrew Garfield on meetings while Timberlake and Eisenberg meet Peter Thiel (and that’s a Social Network reference challenge).
WHAT STANDS OUT
-HOG turns his back to yell “sooey” and gets hit. All of the faces are dumb tonight.
-King is deteriorating with Bill Clinton jokes. The action has been rough so far. There’s not much synergy between these two. Vince blames the short notice of Hank accepting the match.
-The concrete gets exposed on the floor and Foley delivers a neckbreaker on it, but seems to take most of the damage himself.
-A corner miss and clothesline turns the tide briefly as does a press slam off the apron to the concrete. There’s our dumbest thing. Just in time to block the Slop Drop and take it home.
HOW DOES IT END:
Mankind wins in 6:54 with the Mandible Claw
FINAL WORD: That was essentially a long form enhancement match. My entertainment wasn’t enhanced.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Mankind randomly bolts up the aisle. That might be the most I’ve ever seen him run. Pillman shits on the Bodydonnas’ reasoning on the Superstar line. What an immediately muted impact for this signing. Well, I guess mentioning double teaming Sunny is risqué enough!
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs Marc Mero w/Sable
BEFORE THE BELL: The new King of the Ring gets a good pop, but still no glass shattering. The logo on the trunks is not the look, Steve! JR puts him over as a technical great destined for stardom. Mero and Sable enter all smiles. There’s the first Austin 3:16 sign in the crowd. The inadvertent boot to the lip from King of the Ring is shown again.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Some fast-paced opening minutes are the first bit of in-ring action I’ve liked on this show thus far. Technical action follows. Marlena is shown behind an usher backstage typing on AOL.
-Austin teases another busted lip on the same roll up, but it’s a ruse that the crowd digs. A slingshot into the post on the floor and a push off the apron into the rail has the Canada crowd loving them some Stone Cold. Could he seriously win MVP three times in a row?
-Nice spot: Austin sees Mero move and avoids getting crotched on the second rope, but gets picked up and crotched on the top rope instead.
-Marlena and the usher come out as Stone Cold is headscissored out of the ring by Mero and hit with a somersault. Lawler is given an envelope and the Wildman is just flying around. They are all to no avail.
-Mero reacts loudly to a big crotching, but evades the Stunner and hits a slingshot leg drop. It doesn’t matter because one chop block leads to the already over finisher.
HOW DOES IT END:
Stone Cold Steve Austin wins in 10:49 with the Stone Cold Stunner
FINAL WORD: These two have pretty good chemistry.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Austin shows some personality after the win and says “3:16” into the camera. Mero is helped to the back by Sable and the ref. BOB BACKLUND is campaigning in the Canadian crowd for the U.S. Presidency. Fucking brilliant. A commercial for Raw tomorrow previews the Smokin Gunns vs HBK and Ahmed for the tag titles. It starts at 8:57 PM because we are at WAR!
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Goldust w/Marlena and Usher vs The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer
BEFORE THE BELL: The Beware of Dog finish is shown during Goldust’s entrance. Taker’s recent struggles are acknowledged during his entrance. The bell rings when Goldust is still on the arena floor.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-It takes Goldust one minute to get into the ring and he immediately hides behind the ref before taunting Taker in his face and eating an uppercut. That causes him to try and leave AKA stalling to the max. He ultimately takes an awkward chokeslam butt-first on the steel steps.
-Marlena shields her man from an overhead steel chair shot, but he keeps getting manhandled in the ring. Boy, these two have the opposite of Austin/Mero chemistry. It’s just boring action even if the crowd reacts to the few high spots (Old School, clotheslines, etc)
-Taker is whipped into the exposed buckle and gets the steps thrown onto his back while the ref is distracted. The momentum doesn’t last long as the Dead Man stops a Tombstone attempt with an inside cradle. WHAT THE FUCK?
-The Tombstone finally lands (and it doesn’t look like death based on the angle). When the count is at two, Mankind comes up from under the mat and pulls his rival down into the hole with the Claw.
HOW DOES IT END:
The Undertaker wins by DQ in 12:07
FINAL WORD: Stop these meaningless matches between these two men.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Some smoke emerges, lights flicker and the Undertaker theme tries to start playing. Mankind looks at the hole while the crowd starts “rest in peace” and Taker comes out from a hole on the other side to beat Mankind to the back. A SummerSlam Olympics commercial has Stone Cold throwing a shotput, Ahmed running through hurdles and Triple H getting his butt felt by Goldust/beaten up by Vader on the podium (so he’s not the guy). The commentators recap the Taker/Mankind situation and an audience member puts a Burger King crown on Jerry’s head. Their fight continues backstage in almost pitch black. It sounds horrifying. The main event is recapped back to King of the Ring and Gorilla’s indefinite suspension of the Ultimate Warrior/Camp Cornette attack to write off leads Shawn to bring back Sid. I almost missed him. A parking lot ambush is thwarted by the Sycho pulling up in hilarious fashion in a car. His allegiance is still in question. The faces are interviewed by Dok. Johnson’s lines are still unintelligible, Shawn is still a boring face and Sid is somehow the best of the three here. What a world!
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Camp Cornette w/Jim Cornette vs Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson and Sycho Sid w/Jose Lothario
BEFORE THE BELL: HBK enters first and the railing tips over in excitement. That’s being over! He just laughs it off. Yeah, but you know what’s cool? A BILLION dollars! One more to go. Ahmed enters in the worst airbrushed shirt I’ve ever seen. He calls the IC Title the “people’s title.” So, The Rock is a sham! Sid comes down and he’s totally amped, knocking fists and WET. The heels enter as a team to Vader’s music. What’s so international about this? There’s no hometown bump for Owen from what I can tell.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Vader wants Shawn to start, so Ahmed lets it happen. The Mastodon dominates early with punches, but a hurricanrana, clothesline and crossbody over the top turns the tide. One dive too many as Vader evades.
-Sid tags in and delivers those trademark ridiculous punches, but his kicks and clotheslines are on point! He knocks all three heels to the outside and the audience is apoplectic. Fuck…is Sid an MVP? SID?!?!
-Johnson hits three of the worst German suplexes ever on Owen, but his spinebuster on Bulldog looks good. He defies logic. The Pearl River Plunge lands, but Vader makes the save. His explosiveness seems to be back and he gets caught in a walking slam by Ahmed. How do these two work together?!?!
-Sid is all the crowd wants. They get more, but he takes an impressive delayed vertical suplex by Davey and a big elbow by MVP Vader.
-Michaels comes in and takes the heat soon despite some Camp Cornette errors. Vince is still the sole LVP with his cliché counting (“that’s it!”) and changing the tone at the worst moments.
-The pace is very admirable in this bout, particularly when it’s HBK vs Owen or Bulldog. A cast shot to the back of the head slows things down as does Vader’s abuse. A fan tries to jump in during a standing rest hold. HOLY SHIT, Ahmed and Davey were ready to KILL.
-Ahmed tries to help with a clothesline after a splash, but Shawn still can’t tag out. He can’t take advantage of double down opportunities. Sid barely breaks up a pin off the running powerslam.
-I can’t tell who fucked up a poorly telegraphed “ref misses the face tag” spot, but it leads to a three-way mugging of HBK. He finally tags Sid and he unleashes chokeslams to all three heels. God, I’m going to have to do it, aren’t I? Come on, Vader! Do something crazy! Michaels is tagged back in for some reason and gets a two count with a Rocket Launcher.
-The racket is thrown in, but thwarted. Vader takes an UNPROTECTED shot in the head with it, but still can’t be beat. Cornette stops Sweet Chin Music and ends up getting splashed in the corner and set up for the SummerSlam main event with the finish.
HOW DOES IT END:
Camp Cornette wins in 24:32 when Vader pins Shawn Michaels with the Vader Bomb
FINAL WORD: Good, not great, main event that felt like a main event of a TV show and not a PPV.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE: The faces attack the winners after the bell. Owen and Davey take powerbombs, but Vader is saved from that. Shawn hits a big dive over the top on Vader and the heels retreat. Vince hits all the buzzwords while the faces lick their wounds and hold their arms up even though they won nothing. The In Your House extra plays after an initial fade to black. Hendrix interviews Monsoon and he announces Mankind vs Undertaker at SummerSlam in a Boiler Room Brawl. Cornette interrupts to celebrate and Vader shouts about a title shot, repeating “BOY TOY!” Finally, a weird recap video of the show is played spliced with images of British Columbian things. The music doesn’t help send us out on an odd note.
THE LAST IMAGE: Shawn Michaels, Sycho Sid, Ahmed Johnson and Jose Lothario
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: This is always given out as a combination of skill, impact and popularity/heat. Things weren’t always pretty, but nobody was more important on this show than Sycho Sid. Is this him living up to his potential? Imagine if there were two of him like the Winklevoss twins (and the reference challenge is done).
FINAL LVP of PPV: Everything was blah, but not egregious. Ultimately, Vince McMahon fell back on his rep of overblown calls, not listening to his teammates and just being noticeably worse than Jim Ross.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Camp Cornette vs Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson and Sycho Sid
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Undertaker vs Goldust
FINAL THOUGHTS: What a snoozefest. This is a total throwaway show. Nothing is memorable, but nothing was especially bad. I just feel like I wasted my time. If that time wasn’t so valuable right now, I wouldn’t be as annoyed. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: You like motorcycles? Well, Eric Bischoff doesn’t give a fuck if you do or not because he does. That means we are heading to Sturgis for Hog Wild.