Back in the days of the Podswoggle podcast, I’m sure I tackled today’s main event in the “I Love You of the Week” segment, but it bears repeating here. I loved creating my own pseudo-triple decker cage with my action figures and putting my favorite toys (usually Shawn Michaels) in peril with whatever dastardly heels I had at the moment. When you’re a child, anything big and nosy is awesome.
If my other podcast, Married with Movies, has proven anything, it’s the simple fact that things you loved watching as a kid age like total shit.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 103: WCW UNCENSORED 1996
Written on 2/27/22
HOW WE START: An ominous video with Arn Anderson, The Taskmaster and Ric Flair talking about Doomsday. Hey, there’s Tiny Lister! Lex Luger doesn’t fit this motif at all. Yet again, nothing fits this shitty motif. Poor Tupelo, MS has to look at that big, dumbass cage by the entrance. They already sound deflated. Tony Schiavone, Dusty Rhodes and Bobby Heenan (in leather) previews the show. Danger is the theme.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: US TITLE MATCH- Eddie Guerrero vs Konnan (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: Eddie’s theme interrupts the announcers and he gets a little pop. Tony puts over his youth and passion. Konnan enters looking like Liberace’s idea of an alien. Still rocking a do-rag. Everyone picks Guerrero to win. He’s probably liked more.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-This is the only title match on the show. That’s insane.
-This has a lot of ground work until Eddie hits a springboard highspot to no reaction.
-God, Konnan is sloppy, but unique. He’s like a Hispanic RVD.
-Heenan keeps talking about the cage and answers his own questions a bunch. He sounds like Paul Rudd on Hot Ones. Is that our reference challenge? Who would have thought? Not me!
-The wrestlers sense the crowd getting restless, so they pick it up with some fast-paced back-and-forth. Eddie gets chants, so Konnan drums up sympathy for his own.
-More dueling chants, arm drags, hold and great rapport between first MVP Bobby Heenan and Dusty. The challenger takes over with a great sequence featuring a tilt-a-whirl, landing his feet off a monkey flip and a big dive from the top to the floor.
-Things get messy, so Konnan drills Eddie with a Splash Mountain Bomb to rectify it. Then, he barely hits his own dive. He has to be the LVP after that and a lazy superplex kick out.
-The finish has good execution and the crowd buys into what the point is, but I can’t tell if it was intentional or accidental.
HOW DOES IT END:
Konnan wins at 18:28 to retain the title after a low blow headbutt off a leapfrog.
FINAL WORD: That was very good, but could have been even better with someone else against Eddie Guerrero.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Eddie is mad and doesn’t accept help after the bell. The Giant is hilariously answering questions on CompuServe. Mean Gene interviews Col. Parker and Dick Slater before the Man vs Woman match. Parker cuts a great, nasty promo about doing this match for everyone. It’s too bad it’s against someone who deserves much better. Slater adds nothing, landing him on the LVP list.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Lord Steven Regal w/Jeeves vs The Belfast Bruiser
BEFORE THE BELL: His Lordship enters with some random jabrone. Dusty calls him Chives and makes me legit LOL. Fit Finlay makes his debut in a glorious jacket and mullet. I guess he’s the de facto face?
WHAT STANDS OUT
-This has immediate STIFF energy with a jacket throw, uppercuts and strikes. I think Dusty utters the first “mudhole” instead of Jim Ross.
-This is such an interesting start to this show: two great matchups, but one was face vs face and the other was heel vs heel without much crowd investment for both.
-Bruiser has some wicked clotheslines and it gets him fairly over right away. That gets an MVP. He’s wrestling Macho Man on Nitro tomorrow, so never mind any of this momentum. He tries to grab a chair in the crowd, but they are tied together. Then, he takes a suplex from the ring to the floor and an elbow off the apron.
-Dusty has deteriorated quickly. He thinks Ireland is five miles from England and keeps making words up. It doesn’t help that he keeps getting interrupted by LOUD ASS strikes in the ring.
-Finlay potatoes Regal with a straight punch, chops the shit out of him and then breaks his nose with a sick punch, bloodying him instantly.
-Regal delivers a forearm receipt and runs him back into the Doomsday cage. Randomly, the Blue Bloods come down and begin a triple team.
HOW DOES IT END:
The Belfast Bruister wins at 17:30 by DQ
FINAL WORD: I thought that was bloody marvelous. The crowd respected it, too. Hell yes to sweaty boys slapping meat.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Regal backhand slaps the shit out of Bruiser, who doesn’t stay down long and chases after the trio. Mean Gene interviews Jimmy Hart and the Giant. The 750-pound Loch Ness has already been fired by the Dungeon and wrestles for a shot at the WCW Title. Giant’s promos continue to consists of rhyming and growling. Boy, he needs work there. After a chauvinistic comment by Bobby about Madusa and some hotline shilling, Gene interviews Loch Ness. Look at those nasty teeth. Okerlund makes a dentist joke about theme and gets daggers stared at him. It saves this lackluster promo.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: MAN VERSUS WOMAN MATCH- Col. Robert Parker w/Dick Slater vs Madusa
BEFORE THE BELL: Parker enters all confident and sweaty already. Madusa has some spinning pyro, USA gear and some big ole additions. She gets a good pop. The man wants to shake hands, but gets the woman’s butt shaken at him. Didn’t this story start because they were together or something?
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Dusty and Bobby hilariously lose their minds over Parker locking up with Madusa and celebrating as well as getting taken down.
-Madusa screams like crazy in an airplane slam, but sunset flips and slams him to a huge pop. Dusty may have a heart attack.
-Things get a little serious on a choke and some dropkicks. A dive is sloppy, but caught.
-The commentators put over Madusa’s effort on a German suplex wonderfully, but it spells the end.
HOW DOES IT END:
Col. Robert Parker win at 3:49 with a bridge trip and lateral press
FINAL WORD: What was the point of jumping to WCW again? That was fun for what it was, but the result totally deflated the crowd.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Lee Marshall is in front of a chalkboard mapping out the main event? The Road Warriors enter and Hawk makes a funny face when he’s interrupted by Animal starting the promo. They talk about removing brain stems and Depends. Lee talks about how hot the action in the tag team scene is. How many Scovilles? One more reference to go. A preview for Slamboree features the return of the Lethal Lottery instead of the Hall of Fame.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: I QUIT WRESTLING MATCH- Diamond Dallas Page vs Booty Man
BEFORE THE BELL: The commentators talk about DDP’s dire straits. The money and Kimberly are on the line again. Dallas enters looking like shit with ratty gear. Never mind that shit, here’s the FUCKING BOOTY MAN. He’s an immediate LVP by shaking his ass and wearing that gear. He’s somehow LVP again before even starting the match. He’s mentioned as Hogan’s spy in the Dungeon of Doom and Tony calls him “one of the best in the world.” Here’s the GIF and theme you can enjoy together.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-There’s a full two minutes of crowd work and no touching. Is this the best Ed Leslie match ever then? The crowd is really behind Booty.
-Heenan sticking up for Page over the bingo card has more action than the match itself. DDP is trying his best, selling and yelling at the crowd like crazy.
-If I see Booty shake and gyrate one more time, I may quit. Nick Patrick pushes DDP off the apron and he’s gotta be an MVP for bouncing off the buckle, post and railing.
-Kimberly enters a white outfit complete with tutu. I’ll be right back. I return in time for two bad botches that Page naturally has to cover for. Kim says Booty is so cute.
-A VERY long chinlock with every kind of cheating is only interrupted by Kimberly saying she wants Booty to be her boyfriend. Bobby says she should run an ad in the paper. This all leads to a forced kiss, a slap and the worst name of a finisher in wrestling history.
HOW DOES IT END:
The Booty Man wins at 16:01 with the High Knee (get it?)
FINAL WORD: That could have been worse. That’s saying something.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: After a disgusting kiss, Kim gets a little nippy. DDP is ballistic and gets escorted out. Mean Gene interviews Jimmy Hart and a ridiculously flexing Lex Luger. He was put into the cage match instead of Loch Ness and this is apparently the last time Hart will manage Lex because he gets emotional and gives him his jacket. Luger’s promo has three verbal slip ups before Gene interrupts/helps him out. His emotions save it from being a total disaster.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: #1 CONTENDER FOR THE WCW TITLE MATCH- Loch Ness vs The Giant w/Jimmy Hart
BEFORE THE BELL: Loch Ness has Rey Mysterio’s first WCW theme. What a juxtaposition. How is he 700 pounds? He looks like half of Yokozuna. Giant is another de facto face for the evening.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The Giant is all energy and Loch Ness is barely moving or selling.
-Giant takes a huge tumble over the top rope in the corner. He’s so athletic for his size. Meanwhile, Nessie barely exists.
-The big elbow lands and the bell rings before the pin attempt. The second drop is missed, one big kick makes for an awkward tumble and I can’t believe I’ve seen a worse leg drop than Hulk Hogan’s.
HOW DOES IT END:
The Giant wins at 2:34 with a leg drop
FINAL WORD: THANK GOD that was short. Any longer would be gigantically painful.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Lee Marshall interviews Sting and Booker T as a strange bedfellows team. Book cuts a great fiery face promo. Sting repeats “straight OG brother” and Lee’s face is very funny reacting to it. The Stinger’s encouragement is awesome, though. Give me this all day.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: CHICAGO STREET FIGHT- The Road Warriors vs Sting and Booker T
BEFORE THE BELL: This has no time limit for reasons? LOD has a better Iron Man ripoff theme now. They’ve been leaning heel lately and Tony mentions that the Steiners are back! The makeshift team enter to Sting’s theme and they get jumped to get us underway.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The two-screen look is needed as Sting and Animal square off in the ring and Booker and Hawk battle on the floor. T is an MVP stand out so far with a great scissors kick and fire.
-Hawk no sells a piledriver on the floor. Yuck. Sting and Animal slowly brawl near the cage so a chair can sloppily be introduced. Bobby has reverted to his “it’s Uncensored” schtick from last year.
-It’s time to start the UNPROTECTED tally! Hawk’s first one is gnarly, but then he no sells ANOTHER piledriver and hits a powerbomb.
-Hawk earns an LVP by throwing a dangerous open chair shot to the back of Sting’s head. Book valiantly saves Sting from the Doomsday Device. A rope break occurs in a Chicago Street Fight.
-This is rightfully sloppy. Animal’s body interrupts the spinarooni, Sting dives over one person only to miss a splash on the other and Book catches Hawk mid-air on a dropkick.
-This is long-winded. The announcers do a great job selling exhaustion over watching this. Booker is laying ALL of his shit in.
-Brooms are now being used and dust comes flying off of them. Book throws his hands up and leaves as Hawk hits a top rope splash. Animal chases Book and finds Luger primping in a mirror. He gets hits and screams “LOOK AT ME, JIMMY!” God, he’s corny. Luger and Stevie Ray attack Animal. I’m pretty sure Lex said “he ruined my sheen!” Animal gets taped to a post in the back.
-Hawk endures a double team with Booker coming back, but survives. Out of nowhere, Stevie Ray lands one last UNPROTECTED shot to the back of Hawk’s head
HOW DOES IT END:
Booker T and Sting win in 29:30 when Booker pins Hawk after a chair to the back of the head
FINAL WORD: Wild, grueling and overlong.
THE STUFF IN BETWEEN: The commentators talk the dangers of the Doomsday Cage and claim the rules are easy, but make it sound overly general. Bobby chastises the concept of rules in general.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: DOOMSDAY CAGE MATCH- The Mega Powers (Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage) vs The Alliance to End Hulkamania (Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, The Taskmaster, Lex Luger, Meng, The Barbarian, Z Gangsta and The Ultimate Solution) w/Jimmy Hart, Woman and Miss Elizabeth
BEFORE THE BELL: Michael Buffer handles the intro and this is going to be creamy. He keeps calling the face the “Mega Force” before MASSIVE fireworks explode around the cage and he introduces all eight heels to the Dungeon’s theme. Arn is dressed for a fight and everyone else is normal. The Barbarian has apparently been banned from most countries? Buffer saying “Z Gangsta” is hysterical. Of course, I have to address the future Bane AKA almost the worst name in wrestling history. Brian Pillman’s absence is called out. The wide shot of the cage does look cool. I’m making Buffer an LVP for repeating Mega Force as Hogan and Savage enter.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The top tier has the Horsemen and they barely have any footing. It’s just strikes and clawing. The crowd is essentially quiet.
-All they can really use is a post in the middle of the cage. Schiavone mentions a trap door? I thought you had to get a pin. The last two men are non-existent thus far.
-The heels slap on double figure fours and that causes Dusty to encourage fans at home to lay on chain link fence to see how it feels. Of course, they survive and start throwing powder in the Horsemen’s faces, escaping to the next tier in 6:32
-A foreign object is somehow passed by Flair and Hart and it isn’t even used by the heels.
-Lex is 50% louder than usual. His overexaggerated selling causes him to climb the LVP ranks. Meng and Barbarian are quickly locked into their section as the Horsemen try to climb down and help.
-Sullivan escapes and almost falls off the scaffold in many different ways. Wishful thinking.
-They’re just fighting in the aisle and at ringside now. What’s the fucking point of the triple decker cage?!?!?! This has somehow been as bad as people say. The other heels are released from the cage, but just calmly leave.
-Luger should probably be in the LVP lead, but I feel like I owe him one, plus he’s so bad he’s good in this. Every clothesline, light or rail shot, he’s hysterical.
-This is no different than the Chicago Street Fight now. Lex get hits with a chair, once basically UNPROTECTED. Shout out to the director for knowing when to go dual screen and when to cut away.
-Z Gangsta and Ultimate Solution finally walk down to grab Hulk and Randy as they have the advantage. Jeep Swenson makes the Warlord look like Karen Carpenter. We are finally back to the final cage amid a “Hogan” chant.
-These two meatheads are just choking and pounding the necks of the faces. Solution is immobile throwing Hogan down. This is almost unwatchable, but I’m watching it. Z Gangsta is another LVP by making everything looks like shit and goofy.
-Dueling bearhugs as Arn and Flair come back. WHY?!?!?! Where the fuck is everyone else then?
-It looks like Hulk and Macho are doing coke by the door, but they are getting powder ready as Booty Man comes out to give them frying pans. They are cheap looking, but will still count in our UNPROTECTED total. This is embarrassing. The monsters each take four and the Horsemen each take three.
-Luger comes back out with a loaded glove. Flair holds Macho and he ducks. Lex pauses and still hits Flair. What the fucking fuck?!?! They go to escape, but I guess Randy remembered a pin needed to happen? They still escape afterwards. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!
HOW DOES IT END:
The Mega Powers win in 25:19 when Randy Savage pins Ric Flair and they escape the cage
FINAL WORD: How do you refer to something as living up to negative hype? I need lemon juice like Gordon Ramsay to erase this burn (and the reference challenge is done)
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE: The commentators try to explain the Luger thing as it makes no sense. The heels are mad in the cage. Of course, the WCW Champ was pinned. Heenan is angry and wants Hulkamania ended for good. He leaves early as he’s prone to do. The other two sign off.
THE LAST IMAGE: A wide shot of the Doomsday Cage
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: It’s always great to see a tag wrestler rising to the occasion on his own. Even though it was still a tag match, Booker T worked hard and generated legit face momentum. I don’t want to wait for his solo run.
FINAL LVP of PPV: I already explained the Lex Luger thing and I can’t really rag on Deebo for being untrained. Besides, it boggles my mind that The Booty Man is a thing. It literally makes my brain hurt.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Belfast Bruiser vs Lord Steven Regal
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: The Mega Powers vs The Alliance to End Hulkamania
FINAL THOUGHTS: Before the main event, I honestly didn’t think this show was deserving of its reputation. There were three solid, underappreciated undercard bouts and three stinkers. That cancels out. Then, the ego-driven bullshit fest of a main event happened and it ruined the whole thing. It’s shocking how one bad seed can ruin the whole patch. Man, I was a dumb fucking kid. This was a massive improvement over the last Uncensored, but the result is the same. MULLET DOES NOT RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: I wasn’t a dumb fucking kid for being stoked about Bret Hart vs Shawn Michaels in an Iron Man match in the main event of WrestleMania XII.