There’s nothing like “doing it with your guy.” When I was a little kid, it was easy because Hulk Hogan was your guy by default. As an adult, it was more rewarding with CM Punk because I started with him in his ROH days and saw him grow from the beginning (and don’t get me started on witnessing Miseria Cantare live this past weekend). All of that said, Shawn Michaels was the first favorite I actively chose and this event was the pinnacle of that love. Coming back from the injury, winning the Rumble again and facing off in a first-of-its-kind match put little Mullet in a tizzy. In retrospect, it can’t live up to what I felt at the time. This was the greatest match ever for so long in my head.
What about now? And what about the rest of the biggest show of the year? How can they recoup after the dismal show one year prior?
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 104: WWF WRESTLEMANIA XII
Written on 3/7/22
HOW WE START: Shawn Michaels is looking out of a window and Bret Hart looks old in the Canadian winter for a black-and-white, tone setting video before their Iron Man main event. They have really been going hard with these serious openers as of late. After an animated helicopter and the title card, we go live in the Anaheim Pond. Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler welcome us. Vince is growling over the top as you’d expect. The name “Stone Cold Steve Austin” was just said for the first time and our opening theme interrupt.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: CAMP CORNETTE (Vader, Owen Hart and British Bulldog) w/Jim Cornette vs Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson and Jake Roberts w/Mr. Fuji
BEFORE THE BELL: Vader screams at a little child on his entrance. Owen and Bulldog enter separately. Cornette will have to face off with Yoko if his team loses. The Yoko turn is recapped and a dummy with a balloon featuring Cornette’s face being squashed with a Banzai Drop is shown. All of the faces enter together to Yoko’s theme which blends into Jake’s and then Ahmed’s. Nice touch.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Your typical brawl starts and the faces clear the ring easily. Ahmed is the first LVP by fucking up a Yoko whip into a dive on Vader. Vince joins the LVP party with his annoying volume.
-Owen’s first, epic Slammy win happened the night before and gets discussed as the heels ground Yoko. Vader is pulling his punches for the most part.
-I just noticed Fuji ringside with the American flag. That’s such a weird visual. Ahmed enters with great intensity after a Yoko Rock Bottom.
-A snug missile dropkick by Owen turns the tide again. Ahmed falls like a dead fish on everything.
-Jake is a ball of fire on his hot tag, but it’s ultimately his turn to take the heat. This is repetitive, but Roberts takes an MVP-level butt kicking.
-Yoko gets a great pop tagging in and pounding Vader down in the corner. Things break down and ends with Jake being legal again, hitting the DDT on Owen and catching an interfering Cornette, but ultimately gets caught himself.
HOW DOES IT END:
Camp Cornette wins at 13:10 when Vader pins Jake Roberts with a Vader Bomb
FINAL WORD: That wasn’t anything WrestleMania worthy despite all of its talent.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Michael Cole makes his debut on the voiceover for the recap of Roddy Piper versus Goldust. I figured he started in ’97 as opposed to ’96. The IC Champ’s antics-including bagpipe playing on his own version of Piper’s Pit-are shown. Cole and the music might actually be a bad dub. Vince and Jerry mention Marlena watching backstage with champagne already on ice.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: HOLLYWOOD BACKLOT BRAWL: Roddy Piper vs Goldust
BEFORE IT STARTS: Piper is standing in street clothes with a baseball bat. A gold Cadillac screeches in. I guess it’s started?
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Piper sprays the car with a fire hose, breaks the glass of the car with the bat and hits Goldust in the head with the bat UNPROTECTED. What a madman. A trip to a catering table leads to two more nasty head shots.
-Is this the first cinematic match ever? Both are doing an amazing job. Piper can barely lift Goldust for a slam on the hood out of early exhaustion, so he just fucking potatoes him with real fists. I have to consider both MVPs at the moment.
-Roddy sticks further out because he just got hit by a FUCKING CAR. He rides the hood through some shit until falling off and letting Goldust peel out. Piper hobbles to his white Ford Bronco (ha ha) and gives chase.
HOW DOES IT END:
To Be Continued at 4:42
FINAL WORD: Well, it’s not final yet, but what we got so far was cutting edge, reality-based and bordering on stupid.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Stone Cold Steve Austin w/Ted DiBiase vs Savio Vega
BEFORE THE BELL: The biggest star in wrestling history makes his Mania debut, fully bald and emotionless. He’s still the Million Dollar Champion and he’s getting very little reaction. His terrible theme doesn’t help. Dok Hendrix interviews Savio Vega backstage and he recaps their tag match loss in the vacant title tournament. Savio cuts a quick, emotional promo before his mostly quiet entry as well.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-It is absolutely riveting watching Stone Cold without braces and still working in a “Stunning Steve” technical style, bumping his ass off to boot.
-These two have solid chemistry and everything flows well. It gets interrupted by Piper calling into Vince’s headset with threats. Vince yells back and loses him.
-The crowd is restless during the mat work as Piper calls in again, totally crazy. He calls Goldust “fruitcake” and gets cut off when he’s about to swear.
-Sloppy fish out of water reversals before “aerial footage of Piper.” All of this because they were dead set on the OJ stuff. This match is a total throwaway.
-Savio’s rally leads to a ref bump on a spin kick. Austin hits Vega with the title twice, once UNPROTECTED on the back of the head. Ted wakes the ref up with a drink.
HOW DOES IT END:
Steve Austin wins in 10:08 with the Million Dollar Dream
FINAL WORD: That was stone cold in a couple of ways, but I still found some warmth in certain spots.
THE STUFF iN-BETWEEN: The crowd lazily boos when Austin won’t let go of the hold. Officials are late as fuck to help. Then, “this footage looks awfully familiar” as Piper drives his Bronco. I’m convinced Vince didn’t know who OJ was. He didn’t know what Pirates of the Caribbean was! There’s our reference challenge: Vince McMahon urban legends!
-Mr. Perfect interviews Diesel and recaps the mind games Undertaker has been playing with him. Hennig’s delivery is very bad. Big Daddy Cool no sells it all. These two both seem to be feeling REALLY good, if you know what I mean.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Hunter Hearst Helmsley w/Sable vs Ultimate Warrior
BEFORE THE BELL: The Blueblood theme gets a big pop because people are ready for the Warrior. He walks to the ring with Sable and both announcers cream themselves over her. Lawler is particularly funny asking where his Congressional Medal of Honor is to show her. Then, he claims he got a hot tip that Warrior is 400 pounds and bald now. He’s an MVP candidate. The crowd chants begin and Trips is very much not the guy here, getting his nose made fun of by Lawler in a close up. The theme, the pyro and the stupid symbol means Warrior runs out in epic gear. This is my favorite look of his. The announcers just shut up and let the moment speak for itself in a great decision. Speaking of decisions:
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Hunter jumps the returning face at the bell. Warrior still has his jacket on. The Pedigree is hit and Warrior gets up IMMEDIATELY. God, what a moment in retrospect still to this day for about 900 reasons.
-Clotheslines, tackle, press, finisher, knees to cover.
HOW DOES IT END:
Ultimate Warrior wins in 1:39 with the running splash
FINAL WORD: These are always the best Warrior matches, but when you watch this company in order, it’s so unfair to Hunter and puts a big stain on the whole thing. You have to give someone else that poor assignment.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Todd Pettengill with a new buzzcut introduces “Wildman” Marc Mero. Todd botches the former Johnny B Badd’s name and Mero is trying to figure out how to not be Johnny B Badd. He focuses on his wildness and eyes. Helmsley interrupts by yelling at Sable and it leads to a brawl between the two men. Woof, not a great start. More coverage of Piper coming to the arena, but he isn’t here yet because it’s time for the semi-main.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Diesel vs The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer
BEFORE THE BELL: Vince is unbearable on this show with his taglines and corniness. He openly doesn’t fit a product starting to be minorly edgy with cool characters like Kevin Nash. He takes the LVP lead. Diesel is the coolest guy in the room and officially heel now. I’m pissed because they cut away from the infamous “I’m the shit, I’m tellin’ ya!” FUCK THIS SHIT! I wonder if they would cut it if he sneezed there, too (one more reference to go). Don’t worry, I got you covered underneath. Undertaker enters and King does a much better job than his partner setting the stage and tone for this.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-These two come out hot out of the gate for the first couple of minutes, brawling on the floor, hitting Old School, missing chair shots and hitting the post.
-Things slow as Diesel goes on prolonged offense, but still hits his typical spots like Snake Eyes and the squisher.
-A nice, double big boot spot is the highs of highs. A bearhug on Taker is the lows of lows.
-Diesel hits the Jackknife out of nowhere, but doesn’t go for the cover and gets all cocky. He nudges Taker and he sits up. He hits another Jackknife and mocks Bearer. He finally starts to pin, but gets his throat grabbed three times.
-Just like the Warrior match, this one is formulaic at the end: flying clothesline, rough chokeslam, throat slash and a non-deathly appearing finish because of the height of it all (surprisingly).
HOW DOES IT END:
The Undertaker wins at 16:45 with the Tombstone
FINAL WORD: Both men needed that decent big boy battle on their resume after dealing with Mable for so long.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: I wonder who is on their way out of the company with that nice, wide shot of Diesel out in the middle of the ring with his arms still crossed while Taker celebrates.
MATCH NUMBER TWO (RESUMED?): HOLLYWOOD BACKLOT BRAWL: Roddy Piper vs Goldust
BEFORE IT RESUMES: Pettengill watching a monitor awaiting their arrival. They both come screeching in and Piper hits Goldust’s car as he tries to get out. The chase commences and Goldust is consoled by Marlena. The crowd is hot for Roddy and they make it to the ring.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Goldust pummels Piper’s injured leg and now injured groin. His head looks like shit even though the earlier portion was filmed in advance. He rubs Piper’s butt on a piledriver attempt.
-A kiss is attempted, but avoided. The Bizarre One is crotched on the top rope, but finally gets his kiss. It causes Piper to start no selling and grab Goldust’s junk in a claw and knee said junk. This is turning into an AJ Styles WWE feud.
-Goldust is disrobed and has lingerie on. Oh boy. The Hot Rod plants a kiss on his own and drags him around. The audience is shocked, but buzzing. After one more knee below the belt, Goldust retreats and our presumed victor’s music plays. I go based on WWE’s official results here.
HOW DOES IT END:
Roddy Piper wins at 7:32
FINAL WORD: That was certifiably crazy in the best and worst ways all at once.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Piper celebrates in ring and soaks up the adoration. We pivot to the Iron Man match and the “personality” of the match. This is definitely a dub because Cole handles it and the soundtrack is some crappy techno. Why? Wasn’t this Vince or somebody else? It really hurts the momentum heading into the bout. It’s also very abrupt and tone deaf to begin with. Michaels says some brief, bored words and Bret does more of the same. I’m somehow not excited for this. How?
MATCH NUMBER SIX: WWF TITLE 60 MINUTE IRON MAN MATCH- Shawn Michaels w/Jose Lothario vs Bret Hart (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: The Fink introduces Gorilla Monsoon as the President of the WWF again. Sexy Boy plays and Jose Lothario, the exact opposite, walks down. He points to the rafters and the song starts over. THERE’S MY GUY! As bad as Vince has been on this show, he makes the moment of Shawn Michaels ziplining down so magical.
-People are so excited that the railing almost topples over when he emerges from the crowd and gets into the ring. Bret enters as usual and doesn’t get as good of a reaction. Well, duh? This is like eating a decked-out burrito versus a well-done steak burrito covered in ketchup (and our reference challenge is done). His theme skips a couple of times. This is treated like a real contest with Earl Hebner giving instructions. His delivery might sadly make him the LVP. He takes forever and isn’t a good public speaker. Why didn’t Gorilla handle this? It kills the crowd right away. Bret gives his son, Blade, his glasses. What about the other kids, you dick?!?!
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Lawler does a great, serious job analyzing the match during the feeling out process. I shouldn’t have watched this AND Drive My Car on the same day.
-The ring is mic’d up very loudly and the lack of crowd noise makes it obvious. The clock appears for the first time and syncs up with my timer. Take that, NWA!
-Shawn has so much more energy on arm drags and holds. The crowd kinda boos another rest hold eight minutes in. Stu Hart is shown in the crowd next to Fred Blassie.
-Blows are landed and Bret is taken to the floor with a “Mexican” counter. They can’t say “Lucha Libre?”
-Bret takes over with a spinebuster and a clothesline to the floor. He ends up in Tony Chimel’s lap and Tony Chimel ends up getting KILLED with Sweet Chin Music. How is he the MVP of this match so far?
-Chimel is stretchered out as Hart yells at Earl with 42 minutes remaining.
-Every time there’s a little high spot, they ground themselves with another rest hold. An audible “fuck” by the champ is edited out after a knee to the arm. Both have been pulling their share of the weight and deserve MVP consideration. I think King might still be in the lead, though.
-It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. This used to be my all-time favorite match, but I think that was just because I wanted to sound wrestling smart and cool (and because of the result).
-Earl bumps at the halfway point with a weird hair pull spot from the corner. He’s still distracting with his selling and instructions. Shawn kicks out a couple times including after a piledriver.
-HBK is in the MVP driver seat now with a sensational dive to the floor that Bret thankfully helps him avoid serious injury on.
-We are finally picking up steaming 34 minutes in. Near falls are popping off including a nice one with a PerfectPlex. A sleeper is applied and gets booed.
-Shawn is backdropped over the ring post so high that the cameraman can’t find him. The Double Feature has us covered. Both men have been called out for being stupid and interrupting surefire countouts.
-Bret follows Shawn up after a corner flip for an immediately belly-to-back for two. I can’t overstate how good Lawler has been calling this match. He lands his little zingers and puts over the action so well.
-It’s weird seeing Shawn’s back attacked so much when it will become a focal point during the second stage of his career. He’s thrown over the top rope and clips Jose’s head, knocking him down. Then, he’s thrown into the steel steps and hits Jose again. Bret is impressing Jerry. Look at Vladimir clapping along. #ReleaseTheDoc
-It’s impressive doing a dive 47 minutes into a match. Bret goes for the countout now. Even Earl’s counts suck. A slugfest develops in the ring and Vince misses Shawn asking for more.
-A superplex lands with seven minutes left. It can’t be capitalized on right away and Shawn turns the tide afterwards. He makes Bret take the corner chest bump with four minutes to go. Insanity.
-Michaels hits a series of moves to a mixed reaction, but can’t put the Hitman down. His elbow from the top doesn’t do it either. The front row needs to wake up. The crowd comes up after a powerbomb and moonsault.
-One minute left and Shawn is caught from the top rope with a Sharpshooter. The crowd goes NUTS and this was the longest 45 seconds of my childhood!
-The bell rings and Earl give the belt to Bret. Gorilla enters the ring and announces Sudden Death. Bret asks why as he’s halfway up the aisle, but comes back.
-The bell rings again and Bret goes right after Shawn’s back. After a reversal, Shawn finally hits Sweet Chin Music on its intended target. Hart struggles to get up and he gets hit with one more with feeling.
HOW DOES IT END:
Shawn Michaels wins at 61:53 with Sweet Chin Music by a score of 1-0 to win the title
FINAL WORD: That wasn’t the best match ever like I thought it was for most of my life, but it was still pretty damn epic.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE: Shawn gets his title and tries to make himself cry. Then, he orders Bret and Jose out of the ring like the classic dickhead that he is. Bret’s son is mouthing Sexy Boy. Hart storms out and undoes his straps in anger. Vince drops the line: “the boyhood dream has come true for Shawn Michaels!” Pyro goes off and Earl clinches his LVP by taking forever to do the belt buckle. Shawn has to eventually push him off in disgust. The camera pans wide at the worst point-right as Shawn finally unleashes some real emotion in celebration. Fucking Kevin Dunn. Vince does a hard sell over the celebration and Lawler wisely stays silent until he makes a great point about defending the title being harder than winning it. He shakes Stu’s hand and we get a recap video on the evening.
THE LAST IMAGE: A wide shot of the arena
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: Look, this is a wild take considering Shawn Michaels was my favorite of all time and what this match means to me, but his forced celebration and outburst coupled with being dead even with Bret makes me go in a different direction. Jerry Lawler was legitimately EXCELLENT all show-low on schtick and great on analysis/making the show feel big.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Earl Hebner is supposed to be the hidden third man, but he was almost as much of a third man as Hulk Hogan will be in a few weeks.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Shawn Michaels vs Bret Hart
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Ultimate Warrior vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley
FINAL THOUGHTS: This did not feel like a WrestleMania at all, but it didn’t feel like a bad show either. It’s hard to gauge a largely one match show. I loved it, but the crowd struggled. The rest of the show felt like In Your House fodder. That said, I had fun watching it. If you are expecting the show of the year, you’ll be majorly disappointed. If you just want a solid wrestling show, you’re going to be okay. This is another borderline decision, but the kid in me wins. MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: In Your House get cute names now and the first one is arguably the best: Good Friends, Better Enemies. Good and Bad sounds about right.