In the words of my favorite asshole, I’m hurt, I’m old, I’m tired and I work with fucking children. Except I’m sick instead of hurt and I like the people I work with.
Here’s a recap of a bad In Your House show I had high hopes for.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 130: WWF IN YOUR HOUSE-REVENGE OF THE TAKER
Written on 10/10/22
HOW WE START: A fireball to the Undertaker’s face from Mankind! Fred Blassie does a voiceover hyping the champ as it should be. He talks Bible shit and there’s organ/lightning effects before the title card. There’s tons of in-ring pyro live in Rochester, NY. Watch out, Shawn!
MATCH NUMBER ONE: TAG TITLE MATCH- The Legion of Doom vs British Bulldog and Owen Hart (Champs)
BEFORE THE BELL: That Road Warriors pop and pyro isn’t as cool as the nerdy kid with his toy belt, spikes and 4 Life hand motion. LOD were slopped accidentally by the Godwinns two weeks before and lost to them last week because of the champs’ interference. Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are the commentators and put over Bulldog and Owen as the best champs of all time. They enter to Bret’s music and not much heat. Their feud was abruptly dropped due to the Bret allegiance. Owen is taking good care of his Slammys. It’s sad that all four of these men are dead.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Animal and Owen start and it’s all the big man. Hawk dominated Bulldog as well and gives a “fuck you” sign to Owen.
-Hawk is selling a little more than usual including a delayed vertical suplex. Stone Cold is shown just now arriving backstage and Vince doesn’t want to comment on it? That’s almost as confusing as Hawk’s top rope splash.
-Vince is the first LVP again just for being out of place amid King and JR’s chemistry and just laughing at their insults and comments. Hawk continues to take the heat in a sleeper. There’s a split screen for JR and King bickering.
-A random miscommunication from the heels leads to Animal tagging in and hitting a second rope powerslam for the win around seven minutes in! A second ref runs out and they Dusty finish the hell out of this because Bulldog wasn’t the legal man. The heels didn’t even notice and start leaving, so the match continues. This is such lazy booking. Their titles are threatened if they don’t return and they still don’t have the legal man right.
-The end of the first match is replayed in a double feature. Owen misses a top rope splash and Hawk gets the hot tag. Things break down with all four men and Hart takes the Doomsday Device. Bret runs out a little late, so the finish is clunky.
HOW DOES IT END:
The Legion of Doom win in 10:10 by DQ
FINAL WORD: The action was totally fine, but it was ruined by protective overbooking that would make Hulk Hogan blush.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: LOD seem very non-plussed by it all at the end. Dok Hendrix interviews Bulldog and Owen. The latter is awesome using Bret’s catchphrases and denying that Austin is actually in the building. Sunny and Brian Pillman are all flirty and gross together on the Superstars line. There’s more innuendo than If You Know What I Mean on Whose Line (and there’s our reference challenge).
MATCH NUMBER TWO: IC TITLE MATCH- Savio Vega w/The Nation of Domination vs Rocky Maivia (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: PG-13 raps and the Nation is without Faarooq. Savio gave Rocky his first lost on Raw in South Africa, hence this title shot. Kevin Kelly interviews Rocky backstage and it’s the whitest meat ever (luck has been on his side, Vega is in for the fight of his life, etc). He enters to indifference and Savio jumps him at the bell. Rock answers while still wearing his belt.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Faarooq walks down in a shoulder sling and joins commentary while Savio is the first MVP with maximum effort on arm drags and making his opponent look great. There are mic problems, so Ross gives his up to Faarooq. He talks about the challenge Ahmed Johnson has with the gauntlet to try and abolish the Nation.
-Vega grounds Maivia with a nerve hold and Faarooq is the real focus. He’s talking more than I’ve ever heard and he’s not bad.
-Savio hits a crazy spin kick after a D-Lo distraction. Lawler has a bad line about Hooked on Ebonics and Ron Simmons doesn’t rip his head off. He might be an MVP; it’s certainly not Rocky because he keeps using the float over DDT poorly.
-The Rock Bottom just being a transitional move sure is something. The champ is thrown outside into Crush and he takes the heart punch with the ref’s back turned. Vince calls the whole thing stupid and he’s not wrong.
HOW DOES IT END:
Savio Vega wins in 8:33 by countout
FINAL WORD: Zzzzzzzz….The Rock smells like Snitch in this show because I’ve totally forgot about this match’s existence right away.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Savio is upset with Crush after the bell and they continue to bicker until Faarooq intervenes and throws Rocky back inside for a beatdown. Ahmed makes the save in all red with a 2 X 4. The crowd starts a “you’re going down” chant. He gets mic time and calls Savio an illegal immigrant, Crush a convict and Faarooq a black ass before accepting the gauntlet challenge. Everyone realizes he’s a moron, but at least I understood every word for once. Ken Shamrock is shown on AOL and he's challenging Mike Tyson to a fight tomorrow on Raw? Dok interviews Marc Mero and Sable. She’s happy about her Slammy win and Mero is out with injury all summer. Stone Cold blows by them into the men’s room and makes a big commotion until Owen and Bulldog run out with a big weapon and Dave Hebner frantic for help.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Road Dogg Jesse James vs Rockabilly w/Honky Tonk Man
BEFORE THE BELL: Jesse is still singing With My Baby Tonight during his entrance. I’m not sure why the graphic has two M’s in his name. He broke Honky’s guitar three weeks ago. Honky enters without his touted protégé and introduces Billy Gunn as Rockabilly. HOLY SHIT look at this BITCHCAKE. The bitchiest bitchcake of all time. He gets crickets times a hundred and is totally DOA. A “girlie man” sign is shown and he just doesn’t stop dancing horribly. JR asks Honky about Gunn’s rebuke two weeks ago and claims it's because of how mean he is. This whole thing is LVP. No wonder WCW is winning. Why is this on PPV?
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The babyface opens and shows good fire until he does the Jarrett strut. Billy’s whips are the shits, but his Fameasser is good. Then, he dances and ruins the one compliment I gave him.
-Austin’s attack is the focus of the announcers. I’m shocked Gorilla Monsoon is still President. JR has to be an MVP for steering this crazy ship thus far.
-How many bad jives and jukes does Billy have in him? He misses a corner splash and oversells the fall. Jesse’s own dancing with punches gets zilch from the fans.
-I’m as happy with all of these dances and motions as Ryan Stiles having to do another fucking Hoe Down (one more reference to go). One too many cocky motions mean it’s all over.
HOW DOES IT END:
Road Dogg Jesse James wins in 6:45 with a small package
FINAL WORD: What’s the musical equivalent of a box office bomb?
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Honky misses a guitar shot and Dogg flees. Honky consoles Rockabilly and I can almost hear individual conversations in the crowd. Hendrix promotes an Undertaker door banner and calls it the hottest thing in the WWF. With this show thus far, he might be right. Kelly and Gorilla are with Stone Cold and he says he needs to be killed in order not to fight. There’s finally someone with anger and passion on this show and he’s an MVP threat again. Gorilla moves his match to the main event to give him time to recoup. Whoever the fuck Lance Wright is (seriously never seen this twerp before) talks to the Hart Foundation. Bret’s aura making excuses over the attack is very good.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: WWF TITLE MATCH- Mankind w/Paul Bearer vs The Undertaker (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: The hype video before the title match is one of the wildest and worst I’ve ever seen. It’s slo-mo, spastic and focuses on the faces of everyone else on the roster. It’s distorted and has Todd Pettengill talking in big words again. Women are crying and we finally get to the match itself with clips from their battles over the past year. The fireball definitely kicked things up a notch. Dok Hendrix talks to Paul Bearer and Mankind before the match. The challenger claims it will be the best day of his life and Taker’s screams will be music to his ear (emphasis on the singular). He enters with a big fire extinguisher. GONG and the champ slowly makes his way down. Mankind wastes no time.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Taker has a bandage on his face selling the fireball and Foley sells Taker’s strikes so well. Mankind is choke thrown back first twice into the rail. Why was it needed twice? Fucking sick. Then, he’s thrown over the rail onto the concrete.
-Mankind’s head is bounced on the rail UNPROTECTED twice. Undertaker lets go of Old School to hit a better top rope clothesline. Interesting. Bearer provides a distraction and it leads to an UNPROTECTED urn shot to the face for a near fall. It’s mentioned that Vader is still in Kuwait and that’s crazy.
-A strike flurry breaks a nerve hold and the brawl resumes on the floor. Mankind gets a big glass pitcher of water and smashes it over Taker’s face. That’s a prop, so I’m not counting it as UNPROTECTED. I will count the chair directly to Taker’s head right afterwards. The fucking chair bent.
-Vince is wondering why the ref hasn’t called for a DQ and Mankind hits a second rope elbow to the floor. The bandage is removed and he was either legit burned or has really good makeup. A pair of piledrivers can’t get the job done.
-The ref gets bumped via a splash in the corner and the Mandible Claw is applied. Another ref comes out and Mankind Claws him. WHY? Paul throws a chair in and Foley gets the steps. Taker kind of dropkicks them into Mankind and then hits a UNPROTECTED chair shot to his head with a full baseball swing.
-Mankind gets hung up on the ropes and his mask comes off. He’s hit with the steps and takes a fucking HEADER off the apron through the announce table. We have our dumbest thing winner and a new MVP candidate. He takes a chokeslam in the ring and it’s only a two count.
-It’s a close call, but I’m calling that one close to death just based on the table spot before.
HOW DOES IT END:
The Undertaker retains at 17:26 with the Tombstone
FINAL WORD: I’ll never mind these two fighting.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Taker points at Bearer and gets him in the ring. Mankind totally botches the fireball spot twice and it’s so fucking bad. Taker is basically holding Bearer to Foley to try and burn him and he can’t get the lighter to work. Undertaker says fuck the illusion and does the flash paper right in Bearer’s face in the corner viciously. You can tell Vince is pissed about it all, but they got it done. Even a good match on this show is cursed with something shitty at the end. Paramedics walk the heels to the back and Taker seems confused about what he’s done in the ring. There’s an In Your House commercial before we get ready for the main event.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Bret Hart vs Stone Cold Steve Austin
BEFORE THE BELL: Dok interviews Bret in his locker room with Owen and Bulldog. You can hear Bearer moan in the background. Bret’s heel cadence and body language are MVP worthy. He cuts a great promo and seems like a totally different guy. He walks to the ring and the refs don’t allow the tag champs to join. Gorilla reinforces that. Owen is so great at being a heel supporting his brother. It’s like Wayne Brady singing a song (and we’re done). Stone Cold enters to a good pop and starts the fight away.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-It’s all Austin to start including a whip into the stairs on the floor. They get in the ring and Austin mocks Bret’s taunt to cheers. Why is there so much empty space at ringside by the entranceway rail?
-Sloppy chair action leads to another ref bump and Hart using it on Austin’s knee several times. Monsoon is ringside and just letting this all happen by the way. None of this show make sense. I’m shocked how heatless much of this match is.
-The knee remains the focus with a ringpost Figure Four and 3 shots to the prone leg behind the ref’s back. Austin keeps fighting back and Vince keeps calling him a machine. Footage of Bearer being carted out screaming in agony is shown. Steve’s knee brace is removed and the leg is still pounced on.
-A low blow cuts Hart off and wrist tape is used to choke him. King having to lean towards supporting Bret is crazy. Austin misses a second rope elbow ad sells his knee so well. He’s such a great face without changing anything. Is he the MVP again? How is that possible?
-More brawling on the floor and in the crowd. Bret takes his corner bump, but this whole feud is starting to feel a little old hat because it peaked last month in most ways. Austin’s leg gives way in a piledriver, but it looks like a botch.
-Bret hits a low blow now, but the Sharpshooter is avoided. Austin applies it himself really well. Owen and Bulldog run out and get fought off. The refs stop them again and the Sharpshooter is put back on. Bulldog breaks free and hits Austin with a chair. UGH another non-finish on this show.
HOW DOES IT END:
Stone Cold Steve Austin wins in 21:09 by DQ
FINAL WORD: That was a rare misfire from them. It was a big of a slog.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE: Officials and Gorilla force the champs back. Bret is angry and gets the ring bell, but Austin attacks his leg with the chair like a wild man and reapplies the Sharpshooter to a big pop. Officials successfully pull him off and the Foundation pulls their leader out and help him to the back. Austin’s music plays and he celebrates in the ring while still limping around before leaving with someone’s sign.
THE LAST IMAGE: In Your House logo on the set
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: Sometimes, it seems like Stone Cold Steve Austin is the only guy who wants to be there. A few other people were good on this show, but no one has his fire or command.
FINAL LVP of PPV: This is the biggest slam dunk ever because it’s Rockabilly. How do you manage to make a goof THIS much worse? I’m almost impressed.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Undertaker vs Mankind
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Road Dogg Jesse James vs Rockabilly
FINAL THOUGHTS: You can never have 60% of your matches have fuck finishes. That’s especially the case for a two hour In Your House. You also can’t have that many shitty characters, in-ring botches and trips to bad wells. If you do that, expect this dead ass crowd. On paper, I thought it’d be one of the best In Your Houses, but it actually might be one of the worst. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: Let’s run it back next month with A Cold Day in Hell. It can’t be any worse.