We’ve had plenty of benchmark moments in this project, but this one might be the one that I’ve been looking forward to the most.
As we start the ninth Flairiod, we are in the midst of the Monday Night War and both companies are displaying an edge and try to tap into the trends of grittiness permeating pop culture. That mentality isn’t something that was born from WCW or WWF in wrestling. It was born in Philadelphia with ECW. The renegade third promotional had a guerilla-style trajectory that was finally unable to be ignored and Barely Legal was their first chance of PPV.
I’m not going to beat dead horses here. The story of Mass Transit and the PPV companies’ trepidation and Beyond the Mat’s focus on this show have been well documented. For me, this show is riveting because I’m ready for something different just like the world was back in 1997. Full disclosure: I’ve never watched this PPV from beginning to end. I’m almost scared to because it’s place in history is so important and complete. I don’t want anything to ruin it, namely watching the show with 2022 blinders on.
I had planned to change the format up again at the start of this Flairiod, but it would be a disservice to ECW to not run it through the normal routine at least once. I may pivot soon to something more truncated, but not today. We are going to the Land of Extreme, so it will be nice to treat it like their competitors this go around.
Let’s travel to Swanson and Ritner and see what all of the fuss is about.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 129: ECW BARELY LEGAL
Written on 9/29/22
HOW WE START: Joey Styles is in the middle of the ring in the LOUD ECW Arena. That’s how you set a tone right away! The place looks great, but Joey’s microphone doesn’t sound great. The sign that says “Bischoff Takes It Up the A$$” is magnificent. I can’t stress enough how bad the microphone is, but thankfully the Dudley Boyz interrupt very quickly alongside Joel Gertner and Sign Guy Dudley. They get big heel heat and “fuck you D-Von” chants. Viewer’s Choice has no idea what they’re in for. There’s a lot of feedback while D-Von calls the crowd inbred and illiterate garbage. People are really crammed into this motherfucker. After a “TESTIFY”, the feed is abruptly cut off with the classic ECW theme, title card and opening video. Balls Mahoney, Tommy Dreamer, Raven and The Sandman all take UNPROTECTED chair shots in the package. This is so refreshingly different. Carnage, big tits and flying OH MY!
MATCH NUMBER ONE: TAG TITLE MATCH- The Eliminators vs The Dudley Boyz w/Sign Guy Dudley and Joel Gertner (Champs)
BEFORE THE BELL: Gertner does his infamous rhymes as a heel announcer for the tag champs. Joey finally gets on the headset as cool stock music means the Eliminators enter to a good pop. Kronus is goofy and Saturn is all business. They are like the Steiners, but on cheaper drugs. The ring is very loud.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Sign Guy takes Total Elimination right away from a sneak attack attempt. Buh Buh lets out a big “motherfucker” before a powerbomb. This is going to be so hard to keep up with.
-Apparently, this has tornado tag rules. The Dudleyz hit some good double team moves and Saturn displays good agility and babyface fire.
-The Eliminators hit good stereo attacks and martial arts offense complete with a twisting top rope splash. The crowd is beyond HOT and chant “ECW” every chance they can. Nice assisted “Saturnsault” to the floor. Joey’s energy is contagious. A Space flying dive by Kronus keeps it up.
-Fuck, the Eliminators are so cool. It sucks that Kronus was always too fucked up to give them a chance together elsewhere. Saturn is the first MVP by being so over and athletic. As I write that, Kronus hits a flawless 450 splash.
-To a certain extent, this turns into a total squash. The finish gets a hell of a pop.
HOW DOES IT END:
The Eliminators win the titles at 6:32 when Saturn pins Buh Buh Ray Dudley after Total Elimination
FINAL WORD: HOT ASS way to start.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: The regular announcer says they are three-time champs. Gertner comes in and claims the Dudleyz won according to the scorecard. He naturally gets wrecked with Total Elimination. I sadly think this is their only PPV appearance together.
On camera, Joey talks about the 3 Way Dance and it leads into a Sandman video complete with a slo-mo cane shot to Balls, beer drinking and an abrupt cutoff to Joey mentioning Chris Candido is injured and unable to wrestle Lance Storm. Candido is in the ring in a sling and he mentions winning the tag titles at WrestleMania last year and now being hurt in the land of Extreme. The first “fuck” of the night is bleeped and coyly references Shawn Michaels with a Stevie Kick joke.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Lance Storm vs Rob Van Dam
BEFORE THE BELL: The dubbing of music is much better than a lot of WCW shows thus far. Storm shakes Candido’s hand upon his exit. He has a shitty rat tail and a jobber-laden mood and tone. Surfer style music for RVD and he gets quite a positive reaction. The ring mic sounds better now with formal intros for both men once they are in the ring. Van Dam jumps around like a fool and gets “you sold out” chants.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Good back and forth wrestling to start and Styles calls every second of it breathlessly.
-RVD hits a Plancha over the top. It’s odd hearing “Robbie” chants instead of “RVD.” Storm is an all around LVP candidate just from looking off. He does hit a top rope back elbow leaping up like Shelton Benjamin, then misses a dive. RVD responds with a moonsault off the guardrail.
-An Irish whip and unsafe chair throw to Lance’s head that he thankfully gets his hands up for. It’s followed up with a baseball dropkick and an UNPROTECTED chair shot. Sigh…so close.
-Rob hits the Five Star Frog Splash, but Storm kicks out. Guess it’s not his finish yet? Another UNPROTECTED chair throw before Storm counters a chair attack with a forward suplex causing Van Dam to land UNPROTECTEDLY face first on the chair. Storm gets “you still suck” chants.
-A sluggish float over Boston Crab is turned into a single leg version. RVD gets out and hits a slingshot guillotine leg drop and grabs another chair. Lance ends up dinking him with it in the head and gets booed, so he hits a great Tiger Bomb. A top rope leg drop into an open chair gets a two count.
-Things start falling apart. A springboard kick makes RVD slip and the crowd can’t wait to chant “you fucked up” even though he recovered well enough. Another bad UNPROTECTED chair shot by Storm gets even louder boos, but the Van Daminator (aka another UNPROTECTED shot) connects before it mercifully ends.
HOW DOES IT END:
Rob Van Dam wins in 10:10 with a standing moonsault
FINAL WORD: That had more mistakes than someone’s first day of work and it was just a bunch of pieced together moves, but still incredibly watchable.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Storm wants a handshake and RVD gets mic along with more “you sold out” chants. He says he’s not about respect and calls out Paul E Dangersouly in his “shoot” promo about selling himself out wrestling as a second-rate wrestler. He’s worth more money elsewhere and it gets good heat with “get the fuck out” chants.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Terry Boy, Dick Togo and Taka Michinoku vs Great Sasuke, Gran Hamada and Masato Yakushiji
BEFORE THE BELL: Joey sets the match up and it’s announced for a one-hour time limit. The future Kaientai are part of the bWo. Yakushiji is replacing an injured Gran Naniwa. The crowd throws streamers! Hell fucking yeah! Give the ECW crowd credit: they are dicks, but know their shit. It’s like Beat the Geek on Comedy Central (that channel’s random game shows will now today’s reference challenge). Sasuke’s name is said wrong like all Japanese names were back then. Yakashiji gets chants of “Power Ranger.”
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Hamada and Taka (who is half of Hamada’s age) start. It’s all the babyface team early and Sasuke gets big cheers. He’s soon triple teamed by the bWo. Joey tells us Sasuke worked Jushin Liger in the Tokyo Dome just LAST NIGHT. Insanity.
-The ref is very deliberate and slow on his counts as Masato takes a big hit and keeps getting Power Rangers chants. He makes them forget with a double rotation arm drag. Hamada and Terry chop back and forth until a cool ass headbutt by the veteran. Hamada is cool as shit.
-Styles mentions Ultimo Dragon by his WCW name and actual name. That’s fresh, too. He has to be an MVP threat for calling this show by himself effortlessly.
-The Blue World Order team is so cool and unique. They hold Sasuke up and surfboard on him and hit several holding dropkicks including one with Sasuke in a headstand position.
-Styles calls a brainbuster a Michinoku Driver. There’s an amazing triple team backbreaker dropkick/top rope knee sequence for only two. Hamada is given a spike piledriver and it’s all the heels. Sasuke makes a great save after a nasty powerbomb on Yakushiji and struggles to get up for some move. He rebounds nicely with two moonsaults including an Asai over the rail.
-SUPER atomic drop by Terry and everyone is flying everywhere. I finally notice Hat Guy in the front row. Hamada hits a beautiful leaping tornado DDT from the second rope. I love the way Joey says “hurricanrana.”
-Sasuke uses a chair and Masato hits a good suicide dive. Taka destroys the back of Sasuke’s head with a springboard dropkick and an actual Michinoku Driver that’s saved. A series of moves finally puts Michinoku down.
HOW DOES IT END:
Great Sasuke, Gran Hamada and Masato Yakushiji win in 16:58 when Sasuke pins Taka Michinoku with a Tiger Suplex
FINAL WORD: That was better than most trio matches that happen even now. Holy shit what a classic.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: The crowd gives them a deserved standing ovation after the bell. Togo and Hamada still slap each other and fight. Joy turns it over to a package about Big Stevie Cool. He cuts a promo about being used and not feeling like a man against Raven. He has a chance to rectify tonight and rambles a little about high school and how he will step into the ring tonight. He never looks at the camera and it goes from black and white to color as he finally looks into the mirror. I didn’t really feel this promo to be honest. It doesn’t help that Blue Meanie comes in doing his Scott Hall impression. Joey talks like we’ve already seen Terry Funk’s video and we didn’t.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: TV TITLE MATCH- Pitbull #2 vs Shane Douglas w/Francine (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: Security guards accompany the champ and his lady. She’s sort of wearing a sheer outfit. There’s too much smoke. Shane’s promo in-ring claims that he led everyone to nirvana AKA PPV. He doesn’t give a shit if the fans like him and talks about calling pussies out. He doesn’t get bleeped. He spells out four points and brags about breaking Gary Wolfe AKA Pitbull #1’s neck after coming back from “cartoon land.” A “bitch” is randomly bleeped and Shane pulling on and throwing down Wolfe in a halo is shown. Rick Rude as a masked character and the neck being injured again are all detailed painstakingly. Pitbull #2 has Mike Knox’s future music. If Shane wins, Rude (called out by name) has to unmask.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The music obnoxiously keeps going as the match starts and Pitbull attacks Shane for the first minute of the match. They settle into a side headlock on the mat right away. Some blood feud. The crowd chants “break his neck.”
-They work a front chancery constantly. It’s probably for the best as they totally botch a simple atomic drop, then run it back twice. Francine is shown sad and her history as the Pitbulls’ former manager is mentioned. Douglas hits a couple of plodding hurricanranas.
-Shane hits three piledrivers. The crowd chants “she’s got herpes.” Douglas hits a decent delayed vertical suplex and cinches in a Camel Clutch.
-Douglas tries a springboard splash and gets caught mid-air, but Pitbull is too gassed and has to put him down, picks him up and barely throws him overhead and over the top rope through a ringside table. Gary Wolfe comes over the rail and beats up Shane. The riot squad guys escort him to the back.
-Pitbull throws a guardrail into the ring amid a “we want blood” chant. The rail gets knocked over, so Shane haphazardly throws the leg on it as it falls. This is falling apart like a contestant listening to Kevin Meaney on Make Me Laugh (one more to go). The ref is thrown over the top.
-Joey adds a random flex on Sting by claiming Shane is extreme without a bungee rappel and face paint. Not a good look. A few “boring” catcalls begin and Pitbull is no selling punches now. This is quite boring and long. “She’s a whore” by the crowd now. I should note that I’ve only seen one woman in the crowd.
-Pitbull gets up after a double down and tries to win with clotheslines and dropkicks and press slams. Francine gives Shane an object and it’s used like shit twice and sold just as bad. A table remnant is used UNPROTECTED, but Pitbull still kicks out, A chair, ring bell and more UNPROTECTED shit gets even more kick outs. Boy, this sucks.
-Two more UNPROTECTED shots with the title belt and Pitbull is a full blown gassed LVP and selling like utter shit. A chain is used, Candido comes out and Francine distracts, but it still won’t end. There’s a face fire up and then it ends in the most anticlimactic way ever.
HOW DOES IT END:
Shane Douglas retains in 20:40 with a belly-to-belly suplex
FINAL WORD: I think the Franchise should be out of business and the Pitbull should be euthanized. What a shit show.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Rick Rude over the P.A. says he’ll unmask, but the girl has to be given up. He comes out in his robe and mask, kisses Francine and swivels his hips before getting nailed by Shane. Psyche: it was Brian Lee and Rude comes from behind in the riot gear. Lee hits a chokeslam on Douglas and Knox’s music plays again. Rude does the swivel hips and this is apparently a big deal as Lee was part of the Triple Threat and this is him turning. I wonder if Rude is trying to get cleared. Then, Raven cuts a promo on stairs, his face covered in hair. The focus is all on Funk winning and he claims 10% of him wants to rage against the machine and see the old man win.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Tax w/Bill Alfonso vs Sabu
BEFORE THE BELL: Taz and Alfonso cut a promo backstage and Taz is the coolest fucker here. Clips of Bam Bam Bigelow, Paul Varleans, Scorpio, RVD, Chris Jericho and others being choked out play over Taz being so calculated and displaying his killer instinct. “I’m gonna bust you up bad” is the summation of this MVP worthy promo like something out of a horror movie. He wraps up with “if I was you, I wouldn’t be.” It’s billed as a grudge match of the century. War Machine hits and Bill Alfonso DADDY leads Taz and his team to the ring. Sabu just runs out into the ring without any fanfare. It basically ruins the moment, but the crowd chants for him. Joey says smart fans be damned because these two really hate each other. The bell rings and I figured the crowd would be better. Maybe it’s shocked silence?
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The crowd claps in anticipation during a stand-off. Fists fly, slaps and a sick clothesline by Taz set the tone. The Tazmission is blocked early and Joey makes a big deal of it. There’s ground work, an ankle lock and vicious crossface strikes by Taz. Sabu’s nose is already busted open.
-After a dropkick to the leg, Sabu hits a typical springboard and slingshot shit before he triple jumps into the crowd. The brawl continues in the crowd and Fonzie is in the ring constantly blowing his whistle.
-Back in the ring, Taz locks in a nice freestyle bow and arrow, then a bodyscissors armbar. Sabu’s response? An UNPROTECTED chair throw to the face and an Air Sabu using the chair as a springboard, but gets dropped face first.
-God, Taz’s clotheslines are sick. Sabu missed a triple jump and gets suplexed onto chairs in the crowd. A table gets set up and another triple jump is either botched or avoided, so Taz just chucks Sabu through the table on a DDT block. Alfonso eggs Sabu on in weird foreshadowing.
-Exhausted scrappy fighting is met with a quiet crowd. Nice ring post to ropes leg drop by Sabu. It’s answered by a filthy head and arm Tazplex right on Sabu’s neck. Sabu hits one of his own T-Bones, mocks Taz and gets mocked back. Sabu locks in the Tazmission and gets out quick with two Tazplexes. He finally gets his version of his finish locked in and it’s an anticlimactic ending.
HOW DOES IT END:
Taz wins in 17:48 with the Tazmission
FINAL WORD: Good, but the build doesn’t fit a match that was just good.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Taz gets the mic as Sabu struggles to his feet. He gives him props, calls out a fan screaming “bullshit” like a badass and offers a rematch anytime. They shake hands and Sabu raises Taz’s arm. They hug and it gets booed. RVD blindsides Taz, he jaws at Sabu and they double team Taz. Joey doesn’t seem to get it or tell a story; he just calls moves. Vince was right about him. The crowd cheers the heel turn and Sabu botches the big dive, so he hits a smaller and shittier version through a table. Taz is locked in the Tazmission and Alfonso stands right there and watches until finally getting in the ring and taking his Taz shirt off to reveal a Sabu on and holds his new man’s arms up. This is so telegraphed. Fonzie gets the mic and says he’s a winner and made money (betting against his guy?) RVD talks and says this is his whole family and they love to work Mondays to great heel heat. This whole post-match was sloppier than Sabu himself. An “extreme” replay is shown while the crowd chants for Taz.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: ECW TITLE SHOT THREE WAY DANCE- Stevie Richards vs The Sandman vs Terry Funk
BEFORE THE BELL: Joey, with feedback again, introduces Tommy Dreamer and Beulah as a special guest commentator. Beulah is way more over than Tommy as evident by the classy “show your tits” chants. The bWo music brings the whole crew and Big Stevie Cool out. There’s even a fucking guy with a camcorder supposed to be Syxx and a Rodman impersonator. No Enter Sandman is like when Cousin Sal replaced Jimmy Kimmel on Win Ben Stein’s Money (and the challenge is done). His head is already bleeding, he’s smoking a cigarette and drinking a Budweiser before smashing it on his head. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to count that as unprotected, but I won’t. Green Lantern Fan pats his belly. The second beer gets opened and Joey puts over the moment well. After an eternity, some weird and slow country music means Terry Funk comes out. Dreamer gave up his spot in this match to his idol, Funk. He would have been better for the story with Raven (former lackey versus childhood rival versus adult rival).
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Sandman offers Funk a beer and it’s refused, so Sandman just drinks it. Dreamer finally speaks and then says he’s just there to watch. COOL. Sandman gets the advantage off a triple headlock.
-A chop war emerges. It’s riveting watching Sandman flail around. Funk is double teamed and Dreamer mentions his promise not to get involved.
-Stevie takes multiple neckbreakers and Sandman has left to get a ladder. He throws it in the ring and brains Funk UNPROTECTED. Holy fuck. Stevie is suplexed on the ladder and Funk takes one more UNPROTECTED shot.
-Funk and Sandman climb the ladder and Terry moonsaults off of it onto Stevie (sort of). Sandman hits a top rope ladder slam on Mr. Cool. Syxx is called 7-11 by the way. An UNPROTECTED kick to the ladder into Sandman’s face makes me cringe.
-After knocking his rivals off the ladder, Terry does the Whirly Bird and hits Sandman three times UNPROTECTED. He’s the same age as Chris Jericho now! Stevie tries a see-saw spot, but it doesn’t look great.
-Sandman kicks out of the Stevie Kick and the crowd chants “bullshit.” Terry does the same. Sandman does a dive onto a see-saw ladder and Stevie. SO dangerous.
-More UNPROTECTED shots to Sandman and a couple to Richards. A big trash can is thrown into the ring and nails Funk UNPROTECTED and makes a loud sound. I’m tired of typing UNPROTECTED and I’m sure Stevie is tired of taking them even though he gets to kick out of a spike piledriver and slingshot senton.
-A see-saw finally causes the ladder to fly into the crowd off camera. “ECW” chants and I’m having just as much of a blast. Todd Gordon comes out to check on everyone. Meanwhile, STEVIE RICHARDS is eliminated at 15:41 by a double powerbomb out of nowhere. Funk and Sandman shake hands, then fight.
-Sandman retrieves some barbed wire, but it’s stuck in streamers from earlier. More UNPROTECTED shots now with sheet metal and Sandman’s shirt is put over his head. A barbed wire whipping causes it to stick and it’s yucky. Even more UNPROTECTED shots to the face and Sandman wraps himself up in the wire and attacks.
-An ugly ass leg drop from the top is kicked out of. Stevie gets on the apron randomly and kicks him with the trash can on his head. From there, it’s an all-legs version of an earlier move that gets the win.
HOW DOES IT END:
Terry Funk wins in 19:10 with a top rope moonsault
FINAL WORD: Batshit crazy, yet the best three-way dance on PPV thus far.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: ECW TITLE MATCH- Terry Funk vs Raven (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: Raven immediately comes out to bootleg Offspring music and starts his attack after a quick pose.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Funk takes a belt shot and drop toe hold onto a chair right away. Dreamer insists he can’t talk when Funk is hit with an UNPROTECTED chair shot and ends up a bloody mess. It’s literally pouring onto his chest. The doctor checks on him and Tommy gets chants, but he reiterates his promise.
-The ref keeps checking and Raven sets up a table at ringside. There’s barely any room and there’s shit everywhere. Raven hits a great running over the top dive onto Terry through the table. The doctor gets knocked out. An entourage comes down and someone named Reggie Bennett hits an awful powerbomb.
-Raven taunts Dreamer on the mic and riles him up. Three tables are stacked underneath the announcer’s “nest.” Big Dick Dudley appears behind Dreamer and hits him UNPROTECTED with a trash can. He’s apparently fresh out of jail. The ref is hit with an Evenflow DDT.
-Tommy is bloody and a chokeslam is teased, but it’s countered and Dudley hilariously gets “chokeslammed” through the tables instead. He basically jumps like Vince McMahon teaching Gronk at WrestleMania. This is pure insanity you can’t keep up with.
-Dreamer gets in the ring and DDTs Raven. Funk comes to life, covers and only gets two. The bell is errantly rung. The next second, it’s over anyway.
HOW DOES IT END:
Terry Funk wins the title in 7:19 with a small package
FINAL WORD: Paul Heyman isn’t a flawless booker, but the story is flawless at its core.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE: The ending gets a huge pop and Joey steals “do you believe in miracles?” Raven is forlorn in the ring and Funk is a total mess in the crowd celebrating with Tommy and the title. Styles is about to cry and Terry does the same with the people, who smartly chant “always” or something like it. Hat Guy gets a hug and Joey says the next PPV will be in May before signing off.
THE LAST IMAGE: Wide Shot of the Arena
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: No one single handedly looked more like a big deal than Taz. He wrestled and talked like a megastar and lived up to his end of the hype in the grudge match.
FINAL LVP of PPV: No one wasted my time more than Pitbull #2. Giving a tag wrestler 20 minutes didn’t hide his negatives and almost derailed the entire show.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The bWo vs Great Sasuke, Gran Hamada and Masato Yakushiji
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Shane Douglas vs Pitbull #2
FINAL THOUGHTS: What a fucking show. It sounded like shit, the booking made little sense, it was totally wild and a lot of it hasn’t aged well. All of that said, the men and women on this show put in work. Their passion and freshness and the crowd’s energy were unparalleled and it made for one hell of an event. This is an all-timer for historical reasons, but it’s earned. MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: I’m not sure if a show called Revenge of the Taker can be classified as getting back to normal, but we’re going to see!