I really suck sometimes.
Over the past couple weeks, I was bragging about getting ahead of schedule and trying new things. I get that momentum going and then I fall into bad habits. I wasted two weeks where I didn’t have to stress and worry about meeting my self-imposed deadlines. Next thing you know, you’re putting the finishing touches on this intro and transcribing your chicken scratch notes 24 hours before nut cutting time.
I can blame life, but I won’t. I’ve been doing this consistently for well over a year and it’s never going to get easier. If this is something I want and like to do, I’m going to have to keep working at it to make it better.
This whole intro sounds like an allegory for both WWE in 2021 and WWE in 1994. As I type this, the biggest wrestling company in the world has possibly been never more successful in terms of dollars and cents, but never more unpopular amongst its actual fans. As the federation stood during this show’s time period, they were facing competition for the first time and about to enter a period of epically bad ideas and execution.
That doesn’t mean they didn’t just keep chugging along and getting it done. This show does that and plants the seeds for so much more.
Wrestling really sucks sometimes. Before it sucks, it’s got to be better, though. We share that in common.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 79- WWF SURVIVOR SERIES 1994
Written on 8/29/21
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: Heels strategizing earlier in the day! Shawn Michaels leads the conversation and everyone is encouraged by his words. Razor Ramon does the same for his team, mentioning that they will gun for Diesel first. Lex Luger and Ted DiBiase do the same speech. Doink and his fucking clowns giggle and annoy me while Jerry Lawler yells at his little guys to not embarrass him as they stand on chairs. The opening video has some Western fire, cactus and graphics as well as a twangy theme song. We go live in San Antonio and Vince McMahon is already growling before the hot crowd. He’s joined by Gorilla Monsoon and I’m not sure what’s an odder combo: the two play-by-play babyfaces together OR their cowboy hats and attire. This will be very intriguing. They promote BOB BACKLUND challenging for the WWF Title in a submission match and the main event casket match with Chuck Norris as the troubleshooting referee to prevent a replay of the Royal Rumble incident. You know everything you need to about me because I capitalized BOB BACKLUND for emphasis, but not Chuck Norris.
-Diesel’s engine wakes the crowd up and he gets a HUGE ovation. This level of over for Diesel makes sense for what’s about to happen. The rest of the team, named the Teamsters for some reason, follow. It’s weird seeing Shawn not super over as a face in his hometown. Owen Hart, Jim Neidhart and Jeff Jarrett round out the group and receive big pyro in the ring as they pose. Jarrett starts his strut after it all goes off because he’s a moron. Razor’s theme leads his team, The Bad Guys, to the ring. Samu is gone and replaced by The Barbarian as Sionne in the Headshrinkers. That team, British Bulldog and 123 Kid join the IC Champ. Gorilla mentions that the WWF has a float in the Macy’s parade coming up. More pyro for the babyfaces. I see that business hasn’t suffered yet. It takes forever for everyone to take their shit off and get started.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH- The Teamsters (Diesel, Shawn Michaels, Owen Hart, Jim Neidhart and Jeff Jarrett) vs The Bad Guys (Razor Ramon, British Bulldog, 123 Kid and the Headshrinkers) w/Afa and Capt. Lou Albano
-Kid and Owen start and I’m excited. Fatu is on the floor putting his boots on. I forgot that became a thing for some time. Owen tags Anvil in before locking up and I get a clumsy ass interaction instead.
-Jarrett and Kid together are much better as you’d expect. Gorilla and Vince are not so much. Sionne tags in and displays good power.
-Owen wants Bulldog and gets him to a big pop. They engage in some beautiful chain wrestling and Hart receives a slingshot into the opposite corner, getting pummeled in the process. He’s an early MVP again.
-Davey hits an awesome delayed vertical suplex on Neidhart. Fatu hits a top rope headbutt and gets up to struggle with his shoes again. It’s now silly.
-Razor vs Jarrett now and the heel acts scared, then cocky to the nth degree from a simple tussling of the hair. Gorilla is our first LVP with a ton of cliches.
-Ramon hits a big clothesline to send JJ over the top and tries to goad Diesel in. HBK talks him down and Kevin Nash’s growls are hilariously bad.
-The Bad Guy fallaway slams Kid into Jarrett after almost falling a bunch of time. Kid takes a BIG hop toss out of an abdominal stretch over the top, but rebounds awesomely.
-Fatu shows some early Rikishi-like dance moves on his head being smashed into the buckle. He also doesn’t sell a DDT, but misses the Diesel blind tag. FATU is the 1st man eliminated at 13:30 after a clothesline and Jackknife.
-Kid is house of fire entering the ring, but gets destroyed with a Punjabi Plunge. 123 KID is the 2nd man eliminated at 14:12 with a Jackknife and one boot pin.
-Because of a double feature trying to replay the last Jackknife, we almost miss the next one. SIONNE is the 3rd man eliminated at 14:44 with another Jackknife.
-Davey Boy enters and takes a big boot to the floor. Jarrett and Owen blindside him and the ref on the floor doesn’t bother to stop it and the ref in the ring keeps counting. THE BRITISH BULLDOG is the 4th man eliminated at 15:50 by count out and no official announcement.
-Razor sneaks a school boy for a two count and a second rope bulldog for another close call. Shawn is sweating profusely despite not tagging in yet. Ramon tries to punch all of the heels on the apron, but takes a shot from Diesel to ground him.
-After a slam, the Razor’s Edge is called for, but blocked. Diesel hits the Jackknife and Shawn yells for a tag. He then asks Diesel back in and hold their opponent. He seems frustrated over the situation. Sweet Chin Music accidentally hits Diesel instead and it’s the third time it has happened thanks to Vince’s reminder.
-Shawn screams and Diesel yells back. The place goes nuts. Gorilla claims the honeymoon is over. Diesel throws and punches his teammates down as he chases Michaels up the aisle. This is such a great turn.
-The ref just keeps counting and Owen screams, “get in the ring, we’re gonna lose!” THE TEAMSTERS are the 5th-9th men eliminated via count out.
WINNER: Razor Ramon survives at 22:06
FINAL WORD: Did the ref count to ten for each guy? It’s such an odd result, but it still told a great story.
-After the three innocent heels rightfully complain, Todd Pettengill catches up to HBK who is already bailing with his bags. He claims to have made Diesel and is finished with him while trying to get into his car. He throws the tag titles down. It’s so dark that I can barely see Todd’s cowboy hat. Once Diesel is mentioned being on his way, Shawn peels away.
-The commentators, complete with BOLO ties, recap the events. I want that Doink plush bear at the table. The superkick is replayed as the King’s music hits. Vince acts surprised and the Royal Family enter. Man, look at these scuzzy little people named Cheesy, Sleazy and Queasy. The former is a dead ringer for $5 Wrestling star Jeff Hart (and that’s our reference challenge). Diesel is stuck talking on the hotline and Jerry Lawler gets some mic time. Clowns R Us appear next. Doink does a cartwheel and Dink is wearing a Burger King crown. Nothing makes me happier than Rich Camillucci saying “Wink” as a guess in an old Podswoggle game.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH- The Royal Family (Jerry Lawler, Cheesy, Queasy and Sleazy) vs Clowns R Us (Doink, Dink, Pink and Wink)
-Doink and Jerry start. Vince is funny saying that he doesn’t like how Jerry treats his “little kings” with a straight face. Doink hits an enziguri and Jerry crawls to his corner. He tries his own and misses.
-OMG Wink’s teeth are NASTY! All of the clowns run over Jerry and then his own team accidentally does the same. They try the same on Doink, but they trip over him. The crowd laughs. I’m smiling at least.
-All of the clowns try to pin Lawler and Doink counts for two each time and catches his teammates on the kickouts. Vince thinks this is HILARIOUS. The heels run the same spot, but Lawler throws one away hard and then gets crushed by Queasy for a fake two count. Okay, that’s good.
-Vince is obsessed with the phrase “the straw that broke the camel’s back” tonight. He used it for the Diesel turn and now he used it for the BK crown getting put on Lawler’s head.
-A game of chicken is played, but Jerry mounts Sleazy’s shoulders. He makes it a few steps before falling down. More promotion of the Macy’s parade on Thanksgiving the next day leading into a quadruple criss cross and all of the little kings getting knocked down.
-Lawler gets thrown into all six of the little feet on his team. Sleazy is so hairy. An apron chase ensues before DOINK is the 1st man eliminated at 10:34 following a cross body reversal and pull of the tights. How can this match continue? Lawler is essentially out, too. Stupid rules.
-Queasy vs Dink means the biting starts. I DID NOT NEED A CLOSE UP OF QUEASY’S BUTT POST BITE! COME ON!
-Here’s a sentence for you: Wink grabs Cheesy’s beard and Dink hits an axe handle to the beard from the top.
-WINK is the 2nd man eliminated at 13:09 via a Cheesy roll up and Lawler’s cheating help. Pink does some jacked acrobatics and Sleazy can’t equal it.
-Sleazy spins Pink like a top. PINK is the 3rd man eliminated at 14:30 by Cheesy getting dropped on top of him by Lawler. Cheesy and Diesel are elimination legends on this show. Wink and Pink are both hiding under the ring, by the way.
-Dink is a little spit fuck, working stiff on all three little kings. He hits a nice top rope cross body, but Lawler distracts and runs interference. DINK is the 4th man eliminated with a lateral press.
WINNERS: The Royal Family survive at 16:06
-The heels celebrate and Jerry complains on the mic about his team celebrating, forcing their arms down. His music restarts and they continue to celebrate behind his back. He kicks them out of the ring and claims to hate short people. They defiantly celebrate on the floor, so he chases them. Jerry ends up surrounded by all six little people and runs away up the aisle. Vince equates it to Benny Hill right on cue for Doink to pie the King in the face.
FINAL WORD: Look, I’m not proud of it, but I didn’t hate it. It’s not meant to be anything but comedy relief and it was well done in that regard compared to the travesty of the Doink match last year.
-Pettengill laughs like a fucking moron and talks about a new Women’s Champ crowned in the Egg Dome with 45,000 people watching on. Man, it’s wild that the Egg Dome is mentioned on WWF TV. Bull Nakano defeated Alundra Blayze via top rope leg drop and she’s interviewed by Todd. She speaks Japanese and he talks slow to try and get her to understand him. It’s typical of its time, but thankfully not as offensive as I was fearing.
-The Fink announces the WWF Title submission match complete with an overhead light on the mat with the WWF Title logo. Bob Backlund enters to no music along with Owen Hart. He receives big boos and walks determined in his sweet bathrobe. The commentators recap Arnold Skaaland costing Bob the title and his claims to have never quit and lost the belt. Stu and Helen Hart look on. Bret Hart gets a big ovation and his cornerman is British Bulldog. He’s still not in the fucking main event. Bret is wearing a necklace of a cartoon version of himself. The towel has to be thrown into the ring in order to lose. It’s crazy that Bret’s accomplishment of winning all three titles twice was such a huge deal here. Both the necklace and glasses are given out to fans.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: WWF TITLE SUBMISSION MATCH- Bob Backlund w/Owen Hart vs Bret Hart w/British Bulldog (Champ)
-Bob jumps Bret at the bell, but ends up taking some very slow slams. He’s also making a lot of noises that are making me legit LOL.
-Things settle with some long headlocks. Vince mentions a poll with 79% of people thinking the crossface chicken wing being more painful of a hold. Fucking right on.
-The Hart family is shown looking on as they keep going back and forth between Backlund trying a submission and Bret countering with a headlock.
-Backlund avoid the Sharpshooter and second rope elbow, immediately focusing on the shoulder to soften it up for his finish.
-McMahon brings up George Foreman winning the heavyweight title at the same age as Backlund recently. Remember when Vince could be pseudo-topical?
-All of Bob’s chicken wing victims are recapped. I’ve always been impressed with how Backlund was ignited so easily with this storyline. Backlund kicks out of one Figure Four, but Bret still manages to apply it. Owen crosses his arms, refusing to throw the towel in and yelling at Earl Hebner. Admittedly, the ref’s work has been good in this so far.
-After the Figure Four is reversed over and over, Bob piledrives Bret and both men sell exhaustion well at the 20-minute mark. Backlund hits the worst swinging neckbreaker and keeps trying his crossface, screaming like a banshee as he does it. He’s over the top in the best and worst way.
-Bret hits his own piledriver, then a bulldog, leg sweep, backbreaker and second rope elbow. He applies the Sharpshooter, but Owen runs in and Bulldog chases him. He gets stopped by the ref, so Owen drops Bret. Davey dives at him and takes a header into the steel steps. He’s out cold and Owen checks on him with concern.
-Bret calls Owen a bleeped “son of a bitch” right in front of his mother before getting locked in the chicken wing. A split screen shows the hold applied and Bret trying to escape while Owen is worried about his brother-in-law. His facials are so good, being sad and apologizing. He strengthens his MVP case while Bret is grounded to the mat.
-Stu and Helen look on in concern. They’ve definitely been overused, but not here. Owen is crying and screaming “NO!” The hold has been locked in four minutes now. Gorilla makes up body part while analyzing what could be happening to Bret at the moment.
-Owen asks his parents to do something and claims he didn’t mean for this to happen. What a legend. This is so believable. “That’s my brother!” Bret won’t fucking quit. John Cena is jealous.
-Backlund’s fingers aren’t locked anymore. Owen is on his knees begging and Helen is in tears. The Rocket moves the guardrail and Stu wants none of it. The crowd yells “no” and Stu snatches the towel from Helen. Does Bulldog have a glass head or what? He’s still out.
-It’s been almost 10 minutes in this hold. Helen finally snatches the black and pink towel and haphazardly throws it into the ring.
WINNER: Bob Backlund at 35:17 to win the title
-The crowd is full of sorrow and Owen runs off in celebration right away, holding his arm in the air like the GOAT. The people are stunned and Bob looks at his hands in shock. Bret grasps his shoulder and Backlund is finally handed the title while mouthing “oh yes” to himself. Bret turns and wants to go back in the ring when the official announcement is made upon his exit. Backlund does his Opie shit and yells at the crowd AKA celebrating. The crowd is mostly stunned silent, but there are plenty of jeers.
FINAL WORD: That was deliberate and slow, but purposeful. The story was paramount compared to the action.
-Pettengill interviews an ecstatic Owen Hart. “This is the greatest Thanksgiving of my life!” He calls Bret a loser and a quitter. It’s an awesome promo as usual. 1994 is his year. The commentators recap the event fairly poorly. Gorilla is just loud and Vince feels quietly betrayed. The tone is right of the situation, though.
-The Million Dollar Team make their way to the ring at a combined weight of 1,314 pounds. Why is King Kong Bundy back? Tatanka’s mean mug appears to be trying too hard. Bam Bam Bigelow and the Heavenly Bodies round out the group. Jimmy Del Ray looks like he’s related to White New Jack AKA Hardcore Terry Houston (and we have one reference to go). Lex Luger’s team, Guts and Glory, somehow weighs 1,447 pounds. Luger is still decently over leading the Smokin Gunns, Mabel and Adam Bomb into battle. Where the fuck are IRS and Mo? It’s very random that Bomb is a babyface now and it’s very random that the Gunns are wearing khaki jeans.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH- The Million Dollar Team (Tatanka, Bam Bam Bigelow, King Kong Bundy and the Heavenly Bodies) w/Ted DiBiase vs Guts and Glory (Lex Luger, Mabel, Adam Bomb and the Smokin’ Gunns) w/Oscar
-Tatanka backs into Lex to start the match, but Lex still gets hit first. He’s booked so bad and it’s mostly his dumbass fault.
-Luger is an LVP for looking like general shit so far between his selling, barely lifting the Gigolo up for a press slam and botching a clothesline.
-Mabel versus Dr. Tom as Gorilla points out the absence of IRS. A “Whoomp There it Is” chant starts. Boy, these two have zero chemistry. Dr. Tom has chemistry with everyone!
-TOM PRICHARD is the 1st man eliminated at 3:58 by a Mabel second rope crossbody. Ouch. Del Ray takes a couple of shots before Bundy and his hairy legs enter. They awkwardly bounce off one another until the heel is knocked down. I don’t like the way he calls Mabel “boy.”
-Bam Bam misses a spin kick and Mabel doesn’t miss his own despite blatantly missing it. He gets caught off the top rope because babyfaces are idiots. Bigelow tries a top rope sunset flip, but gets sat on.
-Both big men take a nasty tumble over the top rope, Mabel specifically takes a header. MABEL is the 2nd man eliminated at 7:09 by countout. It’s basically missed again because of a double feature.
-Billy Gunn enters and wakes the crowd up with offense until he eats a Del Ray superkick.
-Adam Bomb is working like a hot, young babyface until he’s distracted by Bundy. ADAM BOMB is the 3rd man eliminated at 9:09 with an awesome Bam Bam Bigelow top rope moonsault.
-Bigelow is an MVP threat because he’s been the best part of this odd bout so far. Jimmy dominates Lex and the former makes all of the offense look stupid. JIMMY DEL RAY is the 4th man eliminated at 10:54 after a Lex Luger running forearm.
-Bart Gunn just looks cooler than Billy. Billy’s bitchcake status is earned when he celebrates corny as hell after hitting a double team leg sweep on Tatanka.
-The commentators talk about Bret’s future as the Gunns dominate Tatanka with good double team moves, but it’s still hard to pin him. After struggling to get into the right position, BART GUNN is the 5th man eliminated at 14:28 by Tatanka’s “End of the Trail” Samoan Drop.
-Vince calls Lex “Mr. Intensity.” The crowd’s silence says otherwise.
-BILLY GUNN is the 6th man eliminated at 17:13 by a King Kong Bundy squash in the corner and elbow drop. “USA” chants for the facially constipated Lex. He gets an amazing nearfall from a clothesline on Tatanka after knocking the big guys down.
-LONG beatdown by all three heels. Mike Chioda’s quick and forceful counts are the only highlight.
-TATANKA is the 7th man eliminated at 23:13 with a random small package. The All-American idiot stays down and LEX LUGER is the 8th man eliminated by a Bundy splash.
WINNERS: King Kong Bundy and Bam Bam Bigelow survive at 23:22
-Lex is beat down with Tatanka’s finish after the bell and all of the heels stomp on him. His team finally come back out to fight them off. Took them long enough
FINAL WORD: That might have been the sloppiest and clumsiest elimination match in this PPV’s history. I’ll take comedy shit instead of plodding shit any day.
-Todd interview the new WWF Champ being photographed backstage. He gets corrected on the name as it should be “Mr. Backlund” and he’s been champion since 1978; he merely regained the belt tonight. This is a UNBELIEVABLE promo. It’s sad that he loses it next week. He threatens to homogenize and pasteurize us, screeching one second before getting stone cold serious the next. He’s fighting for something. If his match performance was any better, he’d be the MVP with this promo. He ends it screaming about feeling like a GOD. Just watch it; it’s that good.
-Gorilla claims “we are in trouble” and makes a good point about Backlund winning the title exactly how he lost it. Fink introduces our troubleshooting ref and “premier movie star” Chuck Fucking Norris. He enters looking exactly like Walker, Texas Ranger and he could be a full-time wrestler right now. He gets big pyro in the ring and commentators put over his martial arts something fierce. Yokozuna waddles out with Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji. He makes Big Donnie look like Jungle Boy (and our reference challenge is done). The Rumble casket match is discussed and I’m just focusing on the gaudy Survivor Series t-shirts. GONG and Undertaker appears from the parting video screen. This is cool shit because his shadow emerges from a purple abyss while thunder and lightning rings out. Paul Bearer pushes the casket to ringside. This was so revolutionary in 1994. Gorilla smells formaldehyde and Vince thinks Cheesy is still out there.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: CASKET MATCH WITH CHUCK NORRIS AS THE SPECIAL GUEST ENFORCER- Yokozuna w/Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji vs The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer
-Taker does the throat slash motion and points at the casket, causing Yoko to fall in fall and try to leave. A splash is no sold in the corner and the Dead Man is throwing blows. Yoko falls on the casket and freaks out.
-Is this the debut of the Spanish Announce Table? Hugo and Carlos are chilling as a mini-brawl commences on the floor that Taker dominates.
-Norris stoically looks on as Taker avoids being placed in the casket. He constantly sits up, but they get slower particularly after a uranage and leg drop.
-Both men fight into the casket and Fuji grabs Taker’s hair to distract him. Cornette eats an uppercut.
-Taker is sent into the steel steps and Chuck is caught winking and shaking his head at someone in the crowd. You can always tell who Yoko’s friends are because he bumps for them and works hard.
-Impressive top rope clothesline by Taker and he struggles to roll the big man over to the casket. King Kong Bundy makes his way down, so Norris hikes his jeans up. Bam Bam Bigelow is out next.
-From behind, IRS attacks Undertaker. Why not Bundy or Bam Bam? Bad strategy, Ted. A sleeper weakens Taker and that’s so unbelievable. He falls into the casket and Yoko takes forever to try and close the lid. He ends up with a gloved hand around his throat.
-Jeff Jarrett comes down and eats a thrust kick to the chest, selling wonderfully for it. That’s a fucking perfect combination of things.
-Big clothesline, DDT and running boot send Yoko into the casket. After an unnecessary snap of the Japanese flag, the lid is shut and Cornette is in tears.
WINNER: The Underaker in 15:25
FINAL WORD: The crowd and I are satisfied. It didn’t need to be all that it was, so kudos.
-Vince claims this is the last we will see of Yokozuna? Yikes. Norris looks on and seems pleased with the result. Taker poses with the urn and McMahon says the update on Bret Hart is he will be back soon, but not in action. That epic, legendary image of Taker flipping the hair and rolling his eyes in the eerie lighting is right here as the lower third pops up and Vince signs off.
THE LAST IMAGE: The Undertaker
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: I am not sure if someone is going to rattle off three of these distinctions in nine months ever again, but Owen Hart continues to be the most entertaining character and in-ring performer. His work is second to none right now.
FINAL LVP of PPV: I truly believe that Lex Luger got what he deserved in his current role because his work is so goddamn subpar.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Bad Guys vs The Teamsters
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: The Million Dollar Team vs Guts and Glory
FINAL THOUGHTS: That wasn’t the most exciting show in terms of in-ring action, but it certainly delivered in big developments, payoffs and long-term importance. It was a good show to watch because it sets the stage well for the worst wrestling year ever, but you don’t know that yet. It’s still borderline because the matches weren’t anything special, but I still dug it. MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: Hulk Hogan makes his Starrcade debut. That sentence just gave me the flu.