The day that this entry gets published, I will be visiting my hometown of Akron, Ohio and my four-year old daughter will be joining me for the first time. I’m feeling very nostalgic about the pending trip and it got me wondering how she will remember certain things from her childhood.
Will she fondly remember the new Muppet Babies like I remember the original Muppet Babies? How much will she cherish her Miraculous Ladybug toys and will it be as much as I cherished my Biker Mice from Mars? What memories will stick out?
I’ve already mentioned so many of them related to wrestling PPVs in these openings, but today’s show is a weird case because I can close my eyes and picture myself laying in my mom’s bed watching this show live and freaking out over the return of my hero. It was a fine memory that I will carry with me forever.
I can also close my eyes and cringe because of what I now know about Hulk Hogan and what this show means in the long run to WCW. It begins their greatest period financially, but it starts the worst creative stretch and essentially begins the end of the company.
What wins out: my adolescent positive memories or my adulthood negative perspective?
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 75- WCW BASH AT THE BEACH 1994
Written on 7/27/21
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: A dreamy sequence previewing the “unimaginable” fantasy match of Ric Flair vs Hulk Hogan. We go live in Orlando at the old Orlando Arena. I think that’s the original Amway? We are naturally here because they don’t want Hogan potentially getting booed. Tony Schiavone is in overdrive mode already selling this event alongside Bobby Heenan in a red suit jacket and Mean Gene. Is he on commentary? Brain will be happy when Flair wins and Hulk leaves a loser. There are only six matches tonight and Shaquille O’Neal will be on hand to present the winner the title. Mr. T is in the building, too. We are pulling out all the stops, huh?
-There’s an elaborate stage set (or more elaborate than usual for WCW) and a less elaborate loser named Daron Norwood singing the National Anthem in a Lex Luger-like American flag shirt. The audience is shown and I catch a glimpse of awful Linda Hogan front row next to Chris Lemmon, Hulk’s co-star on Thunder in Paradise. At first, I thought it was Mike Awesome. Then, I was thinking it was another lame, famous son from a shitty 80s/90s action drama- Hugh O’Connor from In the Heat of the Night. I guess our reference challenge is supporting actors in those shows thanks to Jack Lemmon’s stupid kid. The singer isn’t too bad and most of the crowd has WWF Hulk merch.
-The TV Title match is first and Sting is injured and can’t compete due to Sensuous Sherri? Yep, Hulk has arrived and Sting is already suffering. A clip of Sting versus Flair from WCW Saturday Night is shown and Hulk watches from ringside. During the Death Lock, Sherri enters dressed like a man and throws the ref out before gouging Sting’s eyes. Hogan gets in the ring late like a goof and hits her with an atomic drop like a terrible babyface he is. Flair tries to attack his legs from behind until Mr. T makes the save. Holy shit, everything feels so different in a worse way already. Here’s an LVP for Hulk’s impact and an MVP for Sherri’s costume
-The commentators keep talking about Sting not even being allowed at ringside. Bobby makes an eye joke and Gene promotes the hotline in the same breath. Boy, this long-winded intro is taking the wind out of everyone’s sails. Tony finally says the talking is done as Heenan messes up Shaq’s name and claims he’s 5’11 without his shoes on.
-Johnny B Badd walks to the ring and I guess he’s always going to have a cool saying on his robe. This time, it’s something about being hot. He looks tanned and ripped. The crowd is hot as Tony confirms this is the old Downtown Amway to me. Two Blasters are shot and Bobby keeps messing up simple things like what title is on the line. Lord Steven Regal and Sir William appear to typical boos. Nick Patrick’s haircut sucks. He looks like he lost a bet. The ring is covered in Badd’s garbage.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: TV TITLE MATCH- Johnny B Badd vs Lord Steven Regal w/Sir William (Champ)
-Fine chain wrestling to start as Schiavone explains that Regal is a two-time champ. Larry Zbyszko dethroned him and Regal won it back at the most recent Clash of the Champions.
-Badd keeps getting the better of Regal and the champ gets kudos for welcoming this last-minute change of opponent. Gene is sitting with the commenators, but he’s not on a headset.
-Nothing says uncool like Tony Schiavone saying “wrestling is cool again.” Heenan doesn’t help by trying to convince the world that everyone in Orlando is talking about the matches tonight.
-I think I see Hank Aaron in the front row while Regal hits a double knee attack and a dropkick before being locked in a submission again. Bobby points out Chris Lemmon. Man, I’m good. He’s shown looking bored as fuck.
-A flurry by Johnny concludes with the K.O. punch, sending Regal to the floor. He proceeds to dive over the top onto both heels.
-Boy, talk about a fart noise ending for so many different reasons: Nick Patrick’s counting cadence, the rehash of the SuperBrawl IV ending and the delayed counter by the eventual winner.
WINNER: Lord Steven Regal in 10:45 with a sunset flip counter cradle
-After the bell, William gets beat up and Badd smashes his hat. The replay shows how badly off sync the ref and his Lordship were.
FINAL WORD: The match was mostly harmless, but lacking excitement.
-There’s another asshole dressed like Hogan in the crowd. Heenan wants to go check something out backstage AKA it’s probably Jesse Ventura time. Tony makes him stay to discuss the dignitaries at ringside and Hulk’s media rounds. In the ring, Gene introduces the “tremendous human being” and new senator, Antonio Inoki. He gets a very ho-hum pop. What a chin on that man! He’s presented with a plaque and some flowers. Regal comes back in to complain about the distinction and cuts a great, tired promo putting over Inoki’s history with Andre the Giant ana Muhammad Ali. Antonio wants to fight and that pops the crowd. Regal backs off.
-Like I thought, Ventura is out and totally non-plussed to be on camera, bored as fuck to be there. He’s so out the door, but has to stick around for these next two matches. Vader’s theme hits and I just noticed there are videos on the screen for each wrestler now. That’s an early innovation. Not a police song brings out the former Boss Man in the lame lass Guardian Angel gimmick. He still “stands for law and order” apparently. They just got a sponsor for Ray Traylor, right? Cool beret, bro. He assaults Harley Race before the bell and then pays for it.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Vader w/Harley Race vs The Guardian Angel
-Vader nails a SPIN KICK. He would have stayed on his feet if Angel didn’t fall down weird.
-An impressive suplex and one-armed slam by Angel. Jesse argues that Regal voiced his displeasure with Inoki because of Pearl Harbor. That will get you an LVP. Angel gets distracted beating up Race again and Vader is back on top.
-Angel is 31 YEARS OLD HERE!!! God, he’s the 90s version of Luke Gallows. A second rope sunset flip makes Vader the new MVP before Angel sits down on the attempt.
-Vader locks in a leg hold and Angel yells and sells it very poorly.
-Vader Bomb followed by the Vadersault, but the big man can’t capitalize. In fact, Angel is up soon to throw Race off the top rope. This all makes no sense. The poor, old man is then thrown out onto the steps at ringside.
-A sloppy ref bump against the ropes gives Vader the chance to retrieve a telescopic nightstick. Angel intercepts it and thinks about using it. He doesn’t and the ref wakes up to see him holding it. The bell is called and the farts continue.
WINNER: Vader in 7:59 by DQ
FINAL WORD: Man, we are batting 1.00 in poop finishes thus far for so-so matches.
-Here’s a hilarious moment: Tony asks Jesse for his pick in the main event and he simply answers “already told, Ric Flair” deadpan and matter of fact. The man never forgets a grudge. Here’s another LVP reference for him. Just don’t put him on the show if he’s going to be this disinterested. Chris Cruise and Mike Tenay manning the hotline get spat on by Terry Funk as Jesse just looks around the crowd, grinning and rolling his eyes. This is halfway to Kevin Nash shoot calling Thunder.
-A recap of Dustin Rhodes being beat by Bunkhouse Buck and beat up by Funk in the last two PPVs. Dustin asks Arn Anderson for help and accepts the offer at the Clash. Back live and Schiavone has to talk about clips from an intergender dark match featuring people from the fucking Ron and Ron Radio Show. One group is called the Sassy Boys. Jimmy Hart is the ref and he really needs to stop having radio friends. He won’t sadly.
-The Stud Stable come out and Col. Parker is now alongside Meng AKA Haku in a silent bodyguard role. I’m in. Funk is threatening fans already. The faces walk out to Arn’s theme (but not the one Parker used last month). Both men get a good pop. Dustin is wearing weird, white trunks. Even weirded: this hand drawn “In Arn We Trust” sign in the crowd.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Bunkhouse Buck and Terry Funk w/Col. Robert Parker and Meng vs Dustin Rhodes and Arn Anderson
-Arn insists on starting against Buck. It’s three lock ups and breaks before Buck insists on Dustin tagging in. He waylays both heels right away.
-Great energy by the youngster and Funk is hilariously selling off the apron, almost punching Meng. He doesn’t even flinch.
-Dustin throws both men over the top rope behind the ref’s back and Jesse calls out Tony’s double standard.
-The Natural keeps taking both men on until Funk hits a belly-to-back and knocks himself loopy with a headbutt. A patented Dustin spill on a missed crossbody over the steps to lead to a Funk beatdown.
-Lots of double teaming and underhanded tactics on poor Dustin. Terry is wonderfully all over the place, flopping around and seemingly totally unhinged.
-Arn keeps complaining to the refs about the double teams and Ventura points out that it isn’t helping. Dustin fights out of the corner with some patented American Dream elbows.
-Dustin dominates both men and hits Parker on the apron before finally tagging Arn in. He shows big babyface fire and WHAM! What a great turn.
WINNERS: Terry Funk and Bunkhouse Buck at 11:36 when Funk pins Dustin Rhodes after an Arn Anderson DDT
-The crowd is loud and mixed on this swerve. Arn stomps as the others hold Rhodes down. The lone face screams bloody murder as his arm is destroyed. Officials come down to try and help as the heels celebrate their ruse.
FINAL WORD: A great angle to cap off a good mix of characters and action.
-Gene asks Arn why he did what he did in the aisleay and gets no answer because it’s party time. Damn, I wanted a baller Anderson promo. Tony and Bobby talk to Hank Aaron ringside. He says nothing of note and even picks both men to win in the main event. Bobby says he’ll run for president in four years with that answer, then calls him a so-so hitter.
-Mean Gene interviews a happy Sherri and Ric Flair following the Arn turn. “Whatcha gonna do, Dustin Rhodes, when Double A runs wild on you?” That’s an awesome line. Then, Flair cuts an awesome promo hard selling the importance of the main event with the celebrities on hand. He takes over as MVP from Sherri who cuts a decent promo as well. Ric is amped up and so am I.
-Ricky Steamboat comes out all smiles and blows fire. I believe this is his PPV swan song for quite some time. Heenan calls him a human BIC. Steve Austin enters cocky as all hell. A fan in the crowd is wearing an airbrushed shirt with the picture of Ric Flair and Miss Elizabeth at the pool. Tony recaps their history dating back to the TV Title.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: US TITLE MATCH- Ricky Steamboat vs Steve Austin (Champ)
-Austin gets off a big, energetic jump start at the bell, but Ricky fights him off with chops. The champ’s “Dragon Slayer” trunks are a nice touch.
-The Dragon walks the top rope all the way across the ring before an Old School-like arm attack. Tony explains that Austin and Parker amicably split up.
-Steve feigns a knee injury and Ricky doesn’t buy it, so he continues the beat down. Austin is bumping around all over.
-Low blow out of an arm hold by the heel. Bobby blames his trick knee.
-Everyone loves working those stairs as Steamboat tumbles down them. They also love the over the shoulder shot of the commentators so they can gesture and joke at one another.
-Awkward collision mid-ring that Ricky fixes seamlessly and leads to the Stunning one snapping off a great spinebuster.
-Austin does some great karate taunts as Ricky waves him on to bring it more. The crowd was indifferent for a little bit, but they’re feeling it now.
-LONG stretch of Austin pinning the challenger for two over and over with a good payoff of Dragon getting his knees up into the crotch and kicking Steve off.
-Austin waves Ricky’s hand at the camera to say hi to everyone at home and it pops Bobby. He gets hit with his own Stun Gun. A good back and forth on the floor is won by Ricky and he starts getting two counts.
-Steve tries to throw Steamboat over the top twice, but he skins the cat to avoid the DQ every time and gets some roll up near falls. Multiple Tombstones are reversed by both men and Ricky finally hits it to a big pop.
-The champ pushes the ref and he’s about to ring the bell, but the challenger begs and stops him. Why doesn’t everyone try that?
-The crossbody doesn’t work, but feet on the ropes will.
WINNER: Steve Austin in 20:15 to retain the title with a body press hooking the ropes for leverage
FINAL WORD: Now I really know why people loved and missed mechanic Steve Austin when his injury happened because this slapped.
-Pretty Wonderful are interviewed on the hotline and Bobby thinks Cruise is Dr. Kevorkian. Mean Gene interrupts the Stud Stable party. Buck pops champagne shirtless, Funk is drinking out of two bottles and Arn is surrounded by women. Arn is toasted by Parker and I wish he was portrayed by Noble Willingham from Walker, Texas Ranger instead (and we have one more reference to go). Anderson talks about being in a hospital in England and realizing he needed to change his ways. WOW, surprised they referenced it. People try to interrupt his promo by pouring alcohol on his head, but he’s unflappable. It’s still too short.
-The two Pauls enter. It’s like the Two Popes, but in better shape. I hate when they have a team name, but they don’t match their entrance gear. Not Mr. Bang Bang for the champs. Kevin Sullivan is formerly from Singapore and now living in Daytona Beach. That’s a move. Dave Sullivan is still on crutches. Cactus Jack’s stupidest moment is walking to the ring totally disinterested and ready to leave WCW after the ECW promo controversy over spitting on the belt. Dave shows off his Hulkster shirt.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: WCW TAG TITLE MATCH- Pretty Wonderful vs Kevin Sullivan and Cactus Jack w/Dave Sullivan (Champs)
-The Pauls take their sweet time getting ready after the bell and yell at the Hooters ring girls taking their gear away.
-Orndorff hits two arm drags and Kevin looks dopey threatening to punch him from behind, but not fulfilling it. Cactus and Roma tag in and run more outwrestling spots until Jack bites Roma.
-Kevin is an LVP candidate for seeming hesitant on everything, then hardly selling any moves. Dave is called Evad by Bobby for the first time as the faces use rare teamwork to cause a double heel powder.
-Heenan is right: it isn’t right that Cactus has applied a hold.
-Sullivan’s strikes are crisp and he slams both heads into the buckle. His double stomp works because he’s so stumpy.
-The crowd is bored, so they start doing the wave. Hank Aaron and WCW President Bill Shaw are shown talking in the front row. In other words, no one is watching this match. It’s fair because it’s just Jack locking rest holds in. Even Linda Hogan joins in the wave.
-Nice back and forth exchange of strikes between Roma and Sullivan. Orndorff hits the piledriver and Evad saves the match by putting his brother’s foot on the rope.
-Bobby compliments Roma’s agility right as he slips off the second rope. Mr. Wonderful’s wiggle before an elbow drop has been the highlight so far.
-Kevin bounces around confused too much and needs to be locked in a rest hold constantly. He won’t fucking bump properly either. I’ll reiterate his LVP case.
-Cactus gets the hot tag off a missed swan dive and he’s a tepid house of fire. He hits the double arm DDT, but the ref is distracted during the pin. Roma trips him and simply holds him down while his partner makes the cover. God, this show with its god-awful finishes.
WINNERS: Pretty Wonderful in 20:13 to win the title when Paul Orndorff pins Cactus Jack with a lateral press as Paul Roma holds his legs.
FINAL WORD: That didn’t need to be halfway as long let alone the time it got. Hmm…every heel has won on this show. I wonder why…
-Heenan says he knows both Flair and Hogan better than anyone and claims it will be a new era no matter what, but Hulk winning will be a fluke. Tony is already calling it the greatest match of all time. Brain says it’s bigger than every other sports championship and invents “the bubbly” before Chris Jericho.
-Michael Buffer is rocking that white tux and introduces Nick Bockwinkel to boos. He takes his sweet fucking time coming down, so Buffer announces him twice. Bobby asks if that’s Lloyd Bridges. Shaq walks out to the pop of the night so far. He’s 27 years away from his AEW tag match.
-2001 and WOOs from the crowd for the Nature Boy amidst sparklers. He has all the confidence in the world. That’s probably the last real smile of his WCW run. The strains of “American Made” for the first time and a ton of pyro before he even steps through the curtain. Jimmy Hart and Mr. T lead the Hulkster out to an admittedly deafening ovation. Heenan: “he’s back!” There are too many impersonators in the crowd. It’s funny that I did the secondary action show character bit and Mr. T is in attendance. Where’s Face? That means we’re done.
-Michael Buffer compares this match to the 25TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE MOON LANDING. Clubber Lang is called the “maniac mugger” and seems to be booed. The claims of Hulk returning from a three-year layoff is hysterical. Flair is announced with equal importance and earns his boos. Shaq holds the title over head and here we go.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: WCW TITLE MATCH- Hulk Hogan w/Jimmy Hart and Mr. T vs Ric Flair w/Sensuous Sherri (Champ)
-A staredown, stalling and “Hogan” chants to start. That’s half the plays in Hulk’s book! Their first exchanges are tackles and throws of the champ. Bobby claims he’ll call it down the middle and makes a tongue-in-cheek reference about the challenger having slimmed down.
-Hulk mocks Flair’s strutting to a big pop. Work smarter, not harder. Flair applies a wrist lock and it leads to a cross armbar reversal! I’m dreaming of his match against Muta now. More actual wrestling by Hulk. Good for him!
-A rare Flair flop taken on the back and he keeps hiding behind Sherri. Hulk keeps threatening to hit her.
-The Nature Boy bumps and begs off like a legend. Sherri grabs Hulk’s leg and Flair chops him over the top rope. She goes for a chair, but Hart prevents it.
-Ric comes off the top rope in a SUCCESSFUL axe handle. Heenan is great, shrieking to keep on him and telling Schiavone to shut up already.
-An ugly scrum has Flair try to cheat in a pin attempt, but Hogan is up at one. A bunch of punches and clotheslines is all Hogan is doing now.
-Chris Lemmon is standing and holding Nick Hogan in the front row. Fuck all of those people behind you, right? He sits down once a chinlock is applied.
-The ref is great struggling to lift Hulk’s arm to check if he’s out. He’s not. He punches Flair and clotheslines him on the apron after the corner flop. A surprising belly-to-back on the floor and Ric rolls out of the way of the leg drop back in the ring. The Figure Four is countered into a small package for two and the champ is kicked off trying it twice more. Good sequence.
-Delayed vertical suplex by Ric and he’s right fucking up. UGGGGGH. Flair is the MVP for putting up with this. Big boot and the ref gets pulled out by Sherri. She also punches Jimmy Hart.
-Sherri hits a top rope splash on Hulk! Pimp. Nick Patrick comes in and continues the match as the Figure Four is finally applied. The crowd has come unglued. Hulk gets to the ropes and Sherri chokes and claws at him.
-After some chops, Hulk’s expressions and body languages transition really well into a no sell. He fires up, but runs into an elbow. Another splash by Sherri is missed and Flair gets CAUGHT from the top rope and thrown off. He’s still over .500, though.
-Hogan clotheslines BOTH HEELS and basically punches Sherri in the face. He slaps on his own Figure Four, but there’s another distraction. Mr. T carries Sherri out, but Flair has retrieved a foreign object to nail Hulk with it. This is overbooked TO THE MAX. Cover, two count, Hulk Up…you know where this is going.
-Extra no sells on the comeback. Big Boot. Heenan is me right now: “OH NO! PLEASE I’ll do anything!”
WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 21:53 to win the title with the leg drop
-Massive pyro in the rafters to match with the massive pop. Shaq presents the title and Mr. T takes it and holds it because he’s a crazy person.
FINAL WORD: That was definitely the best Hogan match in quite some time and he deserves a modicum of the credit.
-Heenan goes into overkill putting Hogan’s records over and eventually breaks down into tears over him being champion again. Typical posing and typical Tony “greatest day in the history of wrestling” comment. We start that early, huh? Hulk seems genuinely excited and jacked up. You can tell he wants to prove that he’s the guy and Vince McMahon didn’t do it all. Bobby claims that was the greatest match he’s ever seen as Hogan exits.
-The replay is shown and Heenan is too forlorn to call it. Great sign in the front row: “on the seventh day, God created Ric Flair.” Hogan is shown walking backstage and runs into new additions/friends Jim Duggan, Brutus Beefcake and B. Brian Blair. Two out of three ain’t bad. People are exiting the arena as Tony continues to suck Hogan off.
-Hogan makes it to the backstage interview area and Gene takes it away, claiming “the good old days are back.” The new champ claims everything old is new again and launches into a bonkers promo. He has a “Hulk-a-phone” that he called George Foreman on and quotes B.A. Baracus. He gives Brian Pillman and Johnny B. Badd a shout just because they are in the room. Beefcake is called by name and WCW just can’t keep out of trouble, can they? This promo is just going around in circle now. Pillman is trying to get all of that camera time!
-Gene sends it back ringside and Bobby claims it’s not over and walks away. Tony thanks everyone and talks so much about how great Hulk is and how wrestling is cool once again that the credits roll before he’s doing talking.
THE LAST IMAGE: Tony Schiavone
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: The promo, passion and effort of Ric Flair is unparalleled especially when you consider that he’s never going to be the same ever again after this. He’s The Man for a reason.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Jesse Ventura couldn’t give two shits and he’s obviously leaving, but I’m afraid we’re stuck with Kevin Sullivan and his over-the-hill and awkward presence.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Steve Austin vs Ricky Steamboat
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Pretty Wonderful vs Cactus Jack and Kevin Sullivan
FINAL THOUGHTS: Oh man, what an auspicious start. Even in the Hulkamania heyday, the WWF had the wherewithal to focus on a few other people. This show was Hulk Hogan overload and it’s just getting starting. The heels dominate so the big hero can win at the end and the matches suffered for it. The crowd was mostly with it and the main event delivered in an absurdist way. The WCW that could deliver in-ring is gone for the most part (at least for a little while) and the WCW that makes bad booking decision is now on steroids. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: Speaking of childhood, Leslie Nielsen tries to find the real Undertaker before he fights a fake Undertaker. That sounds sweet as shit as a kid, but does SummerSlam 1994 rule as an adult?