I’ve been meaning to try new things for some viewings in this crazy project. One idea has been to have guests with me to quote and capture thoughts as we watch the shows together. Another was to watch the show in a different location than my comfortable couch in the living room. The former was my plan as I took a family trip to Ohio to show my daughter where I grew up and enjoy the greatest roller coaster park in the world, Cedar Point.
Unfortunately, it became too difficult to coordinate that as I was sharing a bed with the four-year old beast and we just didn’t have the time. So, I had to pivot away from reliving my childhood by watching a show in my hometown and go back to sharing my viewing with someone else. I still managed to relive my childhood as I did it.
My mother was part of the trip with Jillian and I and she was staying at our house for a couple days following our return. With the deadline approaching, I put the PPV on as she sat next to me and just captured whatever she said. Spoiler alert: it isn’t much, but it’s still something.
She’s a big part of this project because she was the one buying the shows and watching alongside me back when I saw them live for the first time. I make jokes and complain about her fairly regularly both in this diary and on my podcasts, but it doesn’t change the fact that she is my mom, I love her and it was fun to share this with her.
Was it fun to watch the show, though? Let’s find out, shall we?
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 76- WWF SUMMERSLAM 1994
Written on 8/8/21
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: The baller SummerSlam logo and retro theme together before we’re live in Chicago already. Man, they are getting all the shows this year. Pomp and Circumstance brings Randy Savage out to welcome us in the new United Center. He welcomes us in a lot of ways in a neat tuxedo look. He promotes the New Generation that has forced him into this role and shakes the British Bulldog’s hand at ringside. My mom has already mentioned how everyone is dead. Fun! He walks over to Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler. It’s funny how much they put over the new building considering AEW is running it next week. Lawler talks about Shawn Michaels and Diesel becoming the new tag champs last night at a house show. The Hart Family is in attendance for the WWF Title cage match and the main event of Undertaker versus Undertaker.
-The Million Dollar Man theme leads out IRS and Bam Bam Bigelow, both under Ted DiBiase’s tutelage now. Did Luna get the boot? This match is a non-title affair because their opponents are the Headshrinkers, entering to virtually no pop. Captain Lou is crazy as ever. The former champs have cool headdresses. The commentators mention that this is about pride now instead of titles.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: Bam Bam Bigelow and IRS w/Ted DiBiase vs The Headshrinkers w/Capt Lou Albano and Afa
-Catcalls of “Irwin” amidst Samoan disrobing for the first minute. I’m having Samoan Swat Team versus Captain Mike Rotunda flashbacks in the NWA.
-Bigelow and Fatu finally tangle and the future Rikishi is the first MVP with a nice superkick and some fire to rile the crowd up.
-Good camera work shows off the impressive scope of the building on a missed top rope headbutt from Bam Bam. He’s bumped well for the faces.
-The crowd sure does react to IRS. Vince keeps asking for translations on Afa’s comments into the camera.
-Fatu gets grounded and has his face thrown into a briefcase to take the heat. A big mid-ring collision with Bigelow causes a double down.
-Samu is a house of fire on the tag. Bam Bam is another MVP for his continued fine selling and bumping. IRS is a typical LVP with his lack of selling on a headbutt and kick out.
-A big scene develops as the ref gets distracted, Bigelow cheats and hits Albano. That causes Afa to enter the ring and dish out some rare punishment. The referee naturally turns around to see that.
WINNERS: Bam Bam Bigelow and IRS in 7:19 by DQ
-The brawl continues all the way up the aisle and the crowd digs it. Vince claims to not understand how the official decision was made and now he’s an LVP threat.
FINAL WORD: That was too inconsequential for me to have opinions one way or another.
-Leslie Nielsen is on the trail of the Undertaker! He gets mistaken for Peter Graves and Lloyd Bridges. My mom laughs. He finds George Kennedy, his Naked Gun partner, dressed like Taker. This is so corny and I love it. The commentators recap the happenings and I want one of those plastic event cups on their table.
-The only Japanese song that Vince McMahon owns plays for Bull Nakano alongside Luna Vachon. That’s where she went! The crowd is buzzing over this next match. Bull does a nunchaku routine before Alundra Blayze enters to a good pop. It’s odd that Fink announces their weights. Lawler goes right into jokes about her face and Vince retorts about Nakano’s looks. UGH…there is so much time to pass for this to get remotely better. Flower girls give each lady a bouquet and Luna throws one at the champ.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: WWF WOMENS TITLE MATCH- Bull Nakano w/Luna Vachon vs Alundra Blayze (Champ)
-Very fast pace to start and impressive hair mares by Bull.
-After a rest hold, Blayze hits a nice Frankensteiner and spin kick, but still gets overpowered. She slaps on a unique one-handed Boston Crab while holding both legs.
-SCORPION CROSS LOCK MOTHERFUCKERS. Give her the MVP.
-Blayze hits some nice variants of the Sling Blade. A piledriver is teased and Jerry claims it could break the challenger’s hair. Bull hits a vicious, strong style lariat and a folding powerbomb off a counter. Fuck, she’s dope.
-The top rope leg drop is missed. Luna gets knocked off the apron and the crowd was ready for women’s wrestling all the way back in 1994.
WINNER: Alundra Blayze in 8:17 to retain the title with a bridging German Suplex
FINAL WORD: That was so good for the time they got and the limitations already put on them.
-Todd Pettengill interviews Diesel and Shawn Michaels who have lots of braggadocio about their gold. Diesel seems mildly annoyed by Shawn’s antics. Kevin Nash’s promo is very fake tough and stilted. He gets real red yelling. Walter Payton is brought up as Razor Ramon’s back up and HBK is non-plussed by it.
-The heel champs enter after a delay and Michaels naturally jumps right in front of him, looking cockier than ever. Plant those seeds. Is Nash still trying to do a Dice thing with his tone of voice? That accent should be banned like Dice was banned on MTV. That’s our reference challenge: celebrities banned from TV. I love the tunnel with the glass door revealing Razor and Sweetness. The Chicago Bears legend gets an INCREDIBLE reaction and looks good in Ramon’s shirt. I vaguely remember a story about him insisting on wearing the shirt in support. He’s a good dude and he’s also JACKED. Underrated color scheme on the challenger.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: IC TITLE MATCH- Razor Ramon w/Walter Payton vs Diesel w/Shawn Michaels (Champ)
-The bell rings and Shawn jaw jacks Walter, saying he doesn’t want any of this. The toothpick toss on the champ and you can already tell these two are best friends because Nash bumps like hell for Scott Hall out of the ring.
-Diesel starts cutting off and dominating soon. HBK sneaks a hair pull, too. An impressive belly-to-back by Razor out of a sleeper hold briefly turns the tide.
-Payton checks on Razor, giving Michaels time to expose the turnbuckle and provoke the footballer. This distraction leads to a leaping clothesline by Shawn onto Razor.
-Sweetness notifies the ref of the buckle and the ref blocks it on a whip attempt. He is stupid enough to get distracted by HBK and allows the whip anyway. A side slam gets a believable two count.
-More cheating and it’s getting to be too much to avoid making Walter looking stupid and my suspension of disbelief to be tested.
-Now it’s the elongated abdominal stretch rope pull spot. The ref catches and takes forever to force the break.
-Razor throws Diesel into the exposed buckle and gets a school boy for two. I thought my mom was asleep, but she’s just quietly watching. Diesel is crotched on the bottom part of the post and awkwardly lands on a second rope bulldog. HBK takes the big apron bump into the rail again.
-The Jackknife is countered into a backdrop. Payton prevents Shawn from using the belt, but HBK gets in the ring anyway and nails Diesel with Sweet Chin Music on accident. More seeds.
-Ramon slowly crawls for the cover and Payton drags HBK to avoid breaking up the pin.
WINNER: Razor Ramon in 15:02 to win the title with an errant Sweet Chin Music by Shawn Michaels
-The new champ and the NFL’s record holding rusher celebrate as Diesel angrily leaves and yells after Shawn.
FINAL WORD: There were too many bells and whistles to truly enjoy that.
-Macho Man in his host capacity talks about the IC Title match. This is his final WWF appearance and it’s forced and sad. He’s good at it, though.
-Pettengill stands in between Lex Luger and Tatanka. A hotline poll says 54% believe Lex Luger sold out to Ted DiBiase. Lex tries to explain, but Tatanka interrupts. Clips are shown recapping the story and there’s a ton of evidence against Luger including Ted dropping off a duffel bag in his dressing room earlier in the day. Tatanka kills this breathless promo. Lex does not kill his plodding and bored promo. He sounds guilty as hell. My mom actually called this outcome when it happened back in the day.
-Tatanka enters to a mixed response. He notably doesn’t play to the crowd that much or slap hands on his way out. I hate his unkept hair. I feel like Augie complaining about Cody Rhodes’ knee pads. A big to-do of Lex’s theme and entrance met with Vince asking to hear his ovation or lack thereof. It is even more mixed than Tatanka’s pop and it’s pointed out right away. What a wild idea: let’s take the big babyface that isn’t working and fake a heel turn. How “brilliant” is that one year after his main event blunder at this same event. The crowd is definitely leaning towards angrily booing him now.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Tatanka vs Lex Luger
-More arguing at the bell. That’s what I want to see in a match. The ref separates them while they argue. THE BELL RANG!!! They finally lock up and the ref keeps separating them.
-Lex has to be an LVP after one of the worst small packages I’ve ever seen. His moves just lack a certain crispness.
-Tatanka hits a powerslam and some war dance chops. Mike Chioda is counting really fast.
-After a missed cross body, Lex powers up and DiBiase walks out with the duffel bag. Lex hits his own sloppy powerslam and refuses the money offered to him. That provides enough of a distraction.
WINNER: Tatanka in 6:02 with a roll up
FINAL WORD: That match pales in comparison to the forthcoming angle.
-More arguing after the bell as DiBiase enters the ring. Lex turns his back and kicks the bag away before naturally getting beat up by Tatanka. God, Lex’s overselling on simple strikes compared to his lack of selling on Tatanka’s finisher is laughable. Not laughable is Tatanka’s MVP performance here. The crowd boos the heels hugging. Vince is good at selling the weight of Tatanka’s turn considering his heritage and Lawler makes a bad joke as you’d expect. He seems to put it on what the country did to his people on his exit before going back in the ring to continue to the beatdown. Officials can’t stop him. Does he have no friends? The Million Dollar Dream is applied and a real $100 bill gets stuffed in Lex’s mouth.
-Gorilla Monsoon calls Tatanka a disgrace on the hotline. He claims Chief Jay Strongbow has been pacing backstage. There’s no time to breath as Double J’s theme plays and he enters in another god-awful outfit. His strutting routine is interrupted by Oscar and Mabel. Did Mo break his ass or something? Oscar has no real rhythm. He makes Biz Markie (RIP) sound crystal clear. This is an all-time random match. A very old, white man with a kid on his neck yells “WHOOMP THERE IT IS” in the camera. 1994 was the best of time and the worst of times.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Jeff Jarrett vs Mabel w/Oscar
-Mabel wildly swing and misses some strikes, then mockingly struts after Jarrett continued to do so like a buffoon.
-Jarrett pie faces Oscar into the steel steps! That’s a surprise. He gets up seconds later. Jeff hits a flying nothing from the second rope that stupidly connects.
-Multiple axe handles until a catch and more poorly executed big man/little man spots.
-I’m not sure what is worse: Mabel’s spin kick or Abe Knuckleball Schwartz in the crowd striking.
-Jarrett goes after Oscar again, but gets caught and slapped by the manager right in front of the ref. A splash against the post, but a follow up splash from the second rope misses.
-Mabel can’t stop missing, but I’m not mad at the ending because at least it’s over.
WINNER: Jeff Jarrett in 5:56 with a roll up after a missed butt drop
FINAL WORD: I forgot to originally write something here and I still have nothing to say after the fact.
-Mabel chases Jarrett after the bell and Vince gets on the P.A. system to mention the super sleuths looking for the Undertaker in the crowd. Nielsen and Kennedy are shown in the aisle and a Taker silhouette appears behind them. They miss it. What a rough stretch in the annals of Summerslam history.
-The Hart feud is recapped all the way back from Survivor Series once again. Some rare All American Wrestling promos prior to Mania from both men. Todd continues to excel in these voiceovers. Three weeks ago, fucking Bruce Hart talks too much on the King’s Court and doesn’t get beat up. Owen Hart cuts a cool promo in the cage last weekend with some mood lighting. Bret’s promo on Sunday Night Slam is much worse because he talks about Owen’s crib bars and crying.
-Back live and the cage is being set up by the crew. The commentators talk to Stu and Helen Hart. Helen thinks a demon has possessed Owen and Stu says absolutely nothing of note. King tries to stir the pot as usual. The whole family is sitting at ringside to watch and Bulldog gets interviewed. Man, his hair and glasses are a combination.
-Jim Neidhart is sitting with his arms folded in the group as well. He’s also wearing workout pants and sunglasses indoors. Hmm…I wonder if he’ll get involved. Bruce forces his way into talking. He bothers me to no end.
-Todd interviews Bret Hart and mentions he’s been recovering from strep throat. It gets blown off and puts the title over. It’s a typically underwhelming Bret promo because he always seems like he can’t find the right words to say. Maybe that’s why he never gets to main event as the champ. He repeats himself a few times. Can we get a Martin Lawrence monologue recap scroll of this promo? One more reference to go.
-Fink finally announces the cage match and the only way to win is escaping the cage either over the top or through the door. Owen enters and the glass door at the entrance has the awesome card graphic featuring Owen as the King of Harts. Owen climbs into the cage. Bret soon follows to a great reaction. Bruce stops him to force a hug. Bret gives his glasses to a baby nephew. Man, fuck the real fans in Chicago, huh?
MATCH NUMBER SIX: WWF TITLE CAGE MATCH- Owen Hart vs Bret Hart (Champ)
-Owen jumps Bret at the bell and viciously strikes him early until a clothesline rally from the champ.
-Stu and Helen are shown in a split screen. Martha Hart and Owen’s son are seen behind them. Yikes.
-Bret hits a nice belly-to-back after catching Owen on the top rope trying to escape. The cage makes a great sound when bumps happen in the corner or the ropes are hit.
-Several back and forth leaps to the door. My mom says “good grief” and I almost agree.
-Owen climbs to the other side, but gets dragged back in and punched away from the top. Owen hits a nice missile dropkick and he follows with a kip up and a leap into the cage to try and escape.
-Helen winces at a fall from the Hitman off the top. Both men collide mid-ring for a quick break. Anvil is shown inset, licking his lips. That probably has nothing to do with the match.
-Nasty yank off the cage onto the top rope for Bret and Neidhart loves it.
-Lots of repetitive escape attempts, but the crowd is into it every time. The Rocket is held by his hair and hangs from the other side of the cage before being stopped again. My mom is very upset they aren’t going for the door more often.
-Mom asks who Jim Neidhart is and my daughter, Jillian, has joined the viewing. She’s asking if this is new wrestling. The crowd goes nuts for the most recent Bret escape attempt that is thwarted with a super belly-to-back.
-Owen stops Bret’s block, but ends up crotched on the top rope. My mom is fully engaged in this, maybe even more than I am.
-The challenger receives a slingshot into the cage after a big scrum by the door. Owen’s big dives to make saves are awesome. He’s on the MVP chase yet again.
-Owen is the only one really hitting the cage and those spots are very sparse. It’s a breath of fresh air compared to the reliance on them in WCW cage matches.
-Jillian is asking why they are fighting if they are brothers. She asks the deepest questions. Another double down and there’s a little restlessness growing in the audience now.
-Another escape attempt by the King of Harts and Bret superplexes him from the top of the cage like a boss.
-Bret tries to sit up like Taker four or five times before trying to escape and getting stopped and locked into the Sharpshooter. He reverses and applies his own. He tries to escape again, but Owen lunges and grabs his hair. Both fall off the top rope.
-Both men climb back up and over the top of the cage. They trade punches and Owen’s head is sent into the cage, causing him to slip and his leg to become trapped in the bars. As he hangs upside down, Bret jumps down to the floor.
WINNER: Bret Hart at 32:21 to retain the title
FINAL WORD: These two are always great together, but their WrestleMania encounter was more my speed.
-Neidhart angrily clotheslines Davey Boy AND DIANA SMITH over the railing. My mom and I are both shocked. Bret is thrown back into the cage and the heels lock him in. Bulldog tries to climb in along with the other brothers, but they keep getting thwarted. Bruce is punched and won’t even fall off the side right away like everyone else, hanging with one hand for too long. Davey finally punches Owen down to the mat and makes it in. The rest of the family follow and the bad guys skedaddle. Owen lost a boot at some point. Officials enter to check on Bret and the crowd chants for the Bulldog. The champ finally makes it to his feet as Todd interviews the loser and brother-in-law backstage. They celebrate with a wonky mic. Owen’s promo is great and Anvil drops a “goddamn” in anger. They go off to celebrate their victory in denial.
-Lawler and McMahon analyze before a Survivor Series commercial. None of the stats like Tombstones or Billy Gunn acting like a bitch count in a commercial. Speaking of which, the Undertaker being taken out at the Royal Rumble is recapped right down to the explosion and ascension. Then, the mood stupidly changes into people claiming Taker sightings like Elvis. The deli, school, fire station and jewelry store all say they’ve seen him. This is too hokey. Finally, Ted DiBiase says he made contact in a cemetery in May, but Paul Bearer denies it. DiBiase reintroduces the Undertaker on the Heartbreak Hotel and it’s fitting he’s the heel in this as he brought him into the WWF. Paul tries to regain control, but money distracts him. Sooo….who the fuck is this guy supposed to be? Bearer freaks out at a graveyard and gets choked on the King’s Court until the lights flicker and a GONG saves him. Last weekend, we finally hear from the real Undertaker over the P.A. This show has been on a Monday? That explains how Diesel and HBK were on Regis and Kathie Lee earlier in the day.
-Ted DiBiase returns and he’s having a good night. He introduces his Undertaker from “the Dark Side” opposed to Death Valley. This guy immediately looks like shit. He’s shorter, cheaper and stupider. He raises the lights and everything. Fink makes a big intro for the “one and only” Undertaker. Too much funeral music for my taste here. Paul Bearer walks out while druids push a casket to ringside. He retrieves a ridiculously large urn from it. The lid is removed and a giant spotlight illuminates the pitch black arena. The crowd is being kind to this and they get a great wide shot of the arena in a nice touch. The theme begins for a third time and there’s the silhouette we’ve been waiting for at the entranceway. He gets one hell of an ovation and shoots the lights back up with his new purple gloves. Ted stands mouth agape. This whole sequence is like Joan Rivers’ ban from the Tonight Show: it takes too long to complete, it’s too late when it’s over and it’s pointless the whole time (and our reference challenge is done). Both disrobe in unison. Brian Lee looks to be scared for about five different reasons.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: The Undertaker w/Ted DiBiase vs The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer
-Nose to nose at the bell and a throat slash by the real Dead Man. Some awkward action to start and the crowd doesn’t know how to react to all of this.
-After a suplex back into the ring, the Faker sits up and gets no response. Seriously, who and why and what is this guy in kayfabe? Based on his abilities so far, he’s just an LVP candidate.
-Ted’s Taker tries Old School, but gets chokeslammed off the top. The real Old School is performed and Brian Lee totally botches a Stun Gun off a counter. Vince blame the total silence in the arena on the sight of two Undertakers.
-A bad stumble on a clothesline makes the Underfaker the real LVP both in concept and execution. Vince keeps discussing the “virtual silence.” The boss is trying while a brawl on the floor features a throw into the post and the steps.
-A piss poor chokeslam and silly taunt by the future Chainz. He struggles to Tombstone the real deal, but finally manages. He takes forever to attempt a cover, but Mean Mark sits up before he actually does it.
-Faker tries a second Tombstone and gets countered into a LEAPING Tombstone. That always looks like death. It’s not enough, so Taker drops him in a second with the arm trapped in the clutch. Ted screams at him to get up and the crowd is still on their hands.
-One more equally vicious finish makes up for the fact that we haven’t seen the Undertaker perform his signature move on PPV in over TWO YEARS.
WINNER: The Undertaker at 9:09 after three Tombstones
FINAL WORD: That was brutal, but not in the complimentary way.
-VLADIMIR in a tuxedo shirt with pink letters distracts me as the fake Taker is dumped into the casket and wheeled away. The real Taker poses in the ring with the new urn amidst thunder and lightning. Vince hard sells the night of first, but claims more and takes it to Randy Savage in the aisleway. He signs off, but there’s EVEN MORE! Nielsen and Kennedy are backstage with the casket. They open it up and nobody is inside. Down the hall, they find a closed briefcase. The case is closed. Ha! That’s how it ends.
THE LAST IMAGE: Leslie Nielsen
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: It’s a shame that it took the beginning of the end in terms of his career importance, but at least Tatanka made the most of his moment. He did a great job as the suspicious friend that became the sneaky villain. He was angry, vicious and smart.
FINAL LVP of PPV: It’s another SummerSlam that Lex Luger got lucky. This time, he should thank Brian Lee AKA the fake Undertaker for looking silly in every possible way in the main event of the second biggest show of the year.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Bret Hart vs Owen Hart
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Jeff Jarrett vs Mabel
FINAL THOUGHTS: My mother raised me to only say nice things, but I’m a critic and an analyst. She seemed to have a decent time watching this, but I did not. Beyond the Hart story continuing to kill it and the ladies showing their skills, this was not a good effort. The crowd tries, but the matches were overbooked and lackluster-even as stories progressed and some big outcomes were positive. This was a lukewarm summer. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: My mom won’t be joining me for Fall Brawl 1994. Neither will Hulk Hogan because his contract only forces him to work part of the time. What a lucky guy.