Mullet's Retro Diary 69: Royal Rumble 1994

I don’t know how many times I need to profess my love for the Royal Rumble. It’s gotten me through so many good and bad times in my life. One of the things that’s kept its soft spot in my heart as I’ve grown older is the Royal Rumble Drinking Game.

Established in 2008, it’s the best gateway to casual wrestling fans to enjoy some drinks and wrestling. I have a lifetime of memories from this game over the past 13 years and it’s something I intend to do for the rest of my life.

I bring it up for the introduction of today’s PPV because I watched this show one day after a particularly long and stressful Father’s Day. That holiday was wrapped up by playing an alternative version of the game with my wife complete with beer and candy. It was one of the best times, but it’s definitely more difficult at 34 than it was at 21.

I’ve been hung over and under the weather all day. I wonder if that state of being will alter my opinions of the show I’m watching now. The whole time, I may be thinking of the effects this particular Rumble has on its participants in the game the next day. There are several multi-man eliminations and two winners. You are in for quite a long morning after this Rumble.

That may be the case drinking or not.

PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 69 (nice)- WWF ROYAL RUMBLE 1994

Written on 6/21/21

THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: The WCW Monday Nitro opening essentially! There’s some buildings and images projected on them, namely Yokozuna and Undertaker. Dubbed music accompanies that before we are live in Providence. Isn’t that an internet courtroom show? Vince McMahon welcomes us all by himself. Oh no, don’t Joey Styles us. He runs down the title matches before Ted DiBiase’s laugh interrupts him. The Million Dollar Man walks out wearing a more casual suit that usual because he’s just going to commentate. There’s a plethora of John Madden references before he claims that Vince could work for him. He’s great at putting over the Rumble having been in every one so far. That’s an early MVP for the new color analyst.

-Tatanka runs out wearing a big headdress to a good pop. Vince makes me sad by mentioning Randy Savage working the Mania TV show with Todd Pettengill. They announced Ludvig Borga’s injury earlier in the day and his replacement is Bam Bam Bigelow. He enters with Luna and he has less stubble than usual. Vince seems surprised Luna is with him.

MATCH NUMBER ONE: Tatanka vs Bam Bam Bigelow w/Luna Vachon

-A splash before the bell is dodged and the big man won’t go down. A cross body elicits a two count and an awkward arm drag settles things down.

-Nice leaping DDT by Tatanka before he misses a top rope flying press. He continues to impress me.

-There’s our first Vince “WHAT A MANEUVER” after a successful splash in the corner.

-A top rope sunset flip is countered by a big butt drop after a long tease. Vince is talking over Ted a lot. He’s an early LVP especially because he’s continually not calling the moves. He’s not even trying.

-Even during a bearhug, the crowd is very hot. Every Rumble event has had that energy so far.

-Impressive powerslam counter by Tatanka for two before an impressive double cross body for a double down.

-The warpath is snuffed out with a flying back kick to the head. The crowd is popping big for Bigelow’s offense and taunting.

-Bamsault!!!! He misses it. That might be an even cleaner version than Vader. It gives the face enough time to climb the top rope and finally succeed.

WINNER: Tatanka at 8:12 with a top rope cross body

FINAL WORD: I don’t think you can get any more effective in an eight-minute opener than that.

-After an odd edit, it’s recap time of the tag title match scenario. It starts at Survivor Series and Todd Pettengill handles the voiceover. It’s really his specialty. Vince interviews Owen Hart weeks later and brings up the shadow talk before the Rocket issues a challenge to his older brother. He makes me go “Quack Quack Quack” to myself because he looks just like Emilio Estevez to me. Yes, that’s a Mighty Ducks reference challenge you sense! Bret refuses the challenge later on after quite a build up of saying he’ll fight anyone. He is basically a less mumbling Stu Hart here. The brothers cut a promo together resolving the issue. Owen’s facial expressions are great as Bret talks about fighting the Quebecers and not wanting to know who the better man is. He does corny very well. Then, the 123 Kid is going nuts on Raw against the champs. Along with Marty Jannetty, they win the belts and Macho Man runs into the ring and celebrates. Last weekend, however, the former champs become the champs again at MSG. Woooo, what a recap.

-Todd interviews the Harts. Bret is overconfident and admits it. He is too excited and messes some words up. Owen does the same, but is gung-ho and happy in an ominous way. I don’t have enough adjectives to discuss Todd Pettengill’s earring.

-THEY ARE NOT THE MOUNTIES! The champs walk to the ring with Johnny Polo. Look at fucking PCO here! When you’re done, look at Raven looking more colorful than the language at an Elk Lodge on fish sandwich night. The Hitman music is met with a deafening ovation. The brothers wear matching glasses. The Fink sounds a little off. Ted is hammering the shadow stuff hard and points out Bret’s suspicious means. Glasses are given out. Nowadays, someone shitty online would make a deal out of Bret not giving his glasses to a black kid like Owen.

MATCH NUMBER TWO: TAG TITLE MATCH- Bret and Owen Hart vs The Quebecers w/Johnny Polo (Champ)

-Bret versus Pierre starts the match and it’s a good back and forth. The camera shot is also good from the floor with Polo’s putter twirled in the foreground.

-Someone should steal that hip toss into a powerslam press that Owen just did.

-Jacques slows things down by taunting and doing character shit before Owen makes him bump as much as he’s willing to.

-Owen has the best enziguri of all time. It’s all babyfaces early.

-Owen hits another interesting move. The best way to describe it is a spear into a roll up. He’s now in the MVP hunt as the heels both reel to the floor.

-Vince’s incessant “1! 2!” on pins is starting to wear on me.

-Pierre powerslams Bret to finally get the advantage. Big “Go, Bret, Go” chant. Owens keeps running in to try and help, but he’s doing more harm than good.

-Hot tag to the younger brother and he’s all over with dropkicks, backdrops and suplexes. A spin kick confuses Jacques and it creates a mess. He slaps the Sharpshooter on, but Pierre slams Owen’s head down to break the hold behind the ref’s back.

-ROUGH double team Stun Gun by the Quebecers makes Owen land viciously on the top rope. He rebounds with a double dropkick and tags his brother in.

-Both heels are manhandled and Jacques could be an LVP for being out of position all the time and bumping so weirdly. Owen holds the former Mountie, but Polo holds the ropes open to make Bret take a big spill to the floor. He sells his knee right away. Pierre smashes him from the apron, too. Owen continues to impede.

-Things get very sloppy as the ref catches the chair shot and double team several times, but has to act oblivious. Then, it just gets STUPID. The counting of the ref is being broken by nothing. Pierre and Owen scrap around while Jacques is trying to sneak a putter shot over and over incredibly obviously. Bret is finally back in the ring and keeps getting devastated by the Quebecers.

-Tim White in kayfabe is almost as bad as Nick Patrick in actuality right now by letting the champions get away with too much, but holding Owen to an insane standard. The catapult senton misses, but Bret tries to apply the Sharpshooter instead of tagging out.

-Bret’s knee gives out and the ref looks at him and calls for the fucking bell?

WINNERS: The Quebecers in 16:46 to retain the titles by referee stoppage

FINAL WORD: The ending of that match was not excellently executed.

-There’s confusion, then big heat as Owen throws a tantrum and Polo hilariously celebrates. Ted claims Bret hogged the limelight again and cost them the match. Owen brow beats and yells some more as the crowd starts an “Owen Sucks” chant. He doesn’t help Bret up before hauling off and kicking his leg out of his leg. That’s the honest to God best way to explain it.

-Owen’s rag is believable and his heat is palpable. He yells about Bret being selfish and cuts a promo in the camera on his way out as officials come to check on Bret. Vince speculates on his Rumble status while Ray Rougeau tries to ask Pat Patterson about what’s wrong with Bret. He isn’t a fucking doctor! The agents and refs awkwardly carry/shuffle Bret to a gurney. Vince’s tone of concern goes right into shilling within one breath. He is hilariously awful.

-Pettengill interviews Owen in the locker room. It’s shown on the video screen while Bret is pulled away. It’s a great, whining promo where he keeps screaming “just tag me!!!” I’ve never heard the word “selfish” so much. He is so worked up that he famously claims that he kicked Bret’s leg out of his leg. The moment just works because he is so mad. He claims that he’s going to win the Rumble for himself. That’s a career-making, MVP level start and WrestleMania will cement it.

-Ted applauds and Vince says that he didn’t turn on his partner; he turned on his friend. Ted still advocates for the behavior and shines as a commentator in these in-between moments specifically.

-IRS walks out to no music, interrupting Fink’s intro and doing his fucking tiresome tax cheat promo. Jim Ross and Gorilla Monsoon are calling the action in this one for reasons? Razor Ramon enters in some baller blueish teal gear. JR is disgusted over the Hart situation. Boy, he is far and away better than Vince. A sign for Razor covers up the signature ring taunt for the champion.

MATCH NUMBER THREE: IC TITLE MATCH- IRS vs Razor Ramon (Champ)

-The toothpick throw leads to a slap and then some punches until the heel bolts. The briefcase of IRS is controversial because he may have Razor’s gold inside.

-IRS went to the Zbyszko school of stalling while “Irwin” chants increase.

-Ramon is always crisp and energetic. He takes a big spill over the top rope and then eats a clothesline on the floor.

-JR covers IRS’ sloppy move of avoiding a Razor boot off the second into an elbow by calling it shrewd. The crowd and I thought it was a botch.

-IRS’ leg drops SUCK. This might be like a make-up Oscar because he’s on my LVP radar. The rest holds don’t help and neither does the repetitive cheating.

-The commentators mention the Kid story being rehashed as PJ Walker recently defeated IRS via a Razor distraction.

-Random comeback by the champ complete with the fallaway slam before a ref bump off of a whip into the corner. IRS tries a case shot, but gets cut off and hit instead. He tried to protect himself, but still gets clipped UNPROTECTED in the face with it.

-The ref is still down on the pin attempt. They get back up and Ramon hits a second rope belly-to-back. Is the ref dead? The Edge is called for, but Shawn Michaels runs out and hits Razor with his version of the IC Title. It’s a bad sell by the Bad Guy.

-All three men are painstakingly out. Gorilla claims IRS is showing life, but I don’t see it. The slow crawl by IRS is met by the ref waking up and counting the fall at 10:50. The bell notable doesn’t ring. IRS grabs the belt and celebrates as another ref runs out to explain what happened. That’s such an arbitrary thing. The second belt is at the crux of his point.

-Meanwhile, Razor snags IRS from the second rope and still gets to hit his finish.

WINNER: Razor Ramon in 11:50 to retain the title with the Razor’s Edge

FINAL WORD: What good is running a heel version of a Dusty Finish? This ho-hum affair certainly wasn’t helped by it.

-Razor celebrates with both belts before we pivot to the WWF Title. Paul Bearer cuts a promo as Undertaker builds a casket. He does the dope eye roll in a close up shot. Yokozuna is shown terrified as Taker wished him a Merry Christmas complete with a “HO HO HO.” Then there’s a New Year’s one. Each one is a little hokier than the last. Yoko’s face of terror is arguably better than Kamala’s. The inside of the casket is shown in a Tarantino shot. Paul still talks and the sound is muffled in a nice touch. Man, there’s like five of these. Outside some shack, Bearer is holding some stick that would make Teddy Roosevelt proud. He pulls away on some vehicle while Taker gets the last word. This is the most he’s talked so far.

-On Superstars, Yokozuna is with his managers being interviewed by Stan Lane. It’s a Midnight Express reunion! Cornette is complaining about the casket provision in the contract. Later, Yoko plans on squashing the casket at ringside and Taker pops out. Yoko has never moved faster and falls on his butt a bunch. It’s some MVP level selling. Vince ruins it by laughing as we go back live. Fink runs down the rules and the champ enters first again. Cornette’s outfit resembles what the Kings of Wrestling wore. Not the ROH version, the shitty TNA version. A sign in the crowd has good artwork with Yoko in the casket. GONG and Paul pushes the casket out. Taker follows from afar and McMahon was okie doked by that. He brings the lights up and the champ is looking around in terror.

MATCH NUMBER FOUR: WWF TITLE CASKET MATCH- The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer vs Yokozuna w/Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji (Champ)

-Yoko fires up before a nose-to-nose. He tries a sneak attack, but eats some throat thrusts and a flying clothesline to take him off his feet.

-The shot into the steps is no sold like Survivor Series and Yokozuna takes his own before bailing back into the ring. Old school leads to another skirmish on the floor. Two chair shots by Taker, one to the back and another to the head UNPROTECTED. Finally, he hits a working shot with a plastic school chair.

-Salt in Taker’s face before Yokozuna dishes out his own chair shots including a scary UNPROTECTED one to the back of Taker’s head while he’s looking down. This has been a wild brawl so far.

-The first attempt to win is by the heel and Taker is standing in the casket, so the lid won’t shut. He wakes up and scares Yoko, but gets countered with a belly-to-belly. He instantly sits up for another big, shocked face.

-Taker hits the worst chokeslam of all time. Yokozuna makes Hulk Hogan look like Will Ospreay. A running DDT totally knocks him out. Taker does the throat slit and calls for the lid. He rolls Yokozuna into the casket and tries to close it, but Crush comes out to attack. He is fought off until Kabuki enters looking like a drunk, old man who passed out at a college party. Here comes Tenryu, too.

-Bam Bam makes it four on one and I’m going to need all of these men to announce their names and city like their down to Iceland in the Junior Goodwill Games (and we have one more Ducks reference to go). Yoko is still out in the casket.

-Fuji has somehow stolen the urn and Bearer is stupidly standing on the other side of the ring crying about it. He finally runs over and takes the two heel managers down to regain it and get Taker back up. Adam Bomb joins the party while Taker beats everyone up with the rice bucket.

-Jeff Jarrett’s first spot in PPV history: eating a bucket to the face from the top rope. Perfect. Too bad Billy Gunn is my bitch tally subject. Maybe I should analyze if he draws a dime? The Headhsrinkers come out to finally ground Taker. He sits up again and the crowd is very loud and possibly chanting for Lex Luger.

-Diesel runs out and Taker is finally overwhelmed. He is put into the casket, but comes back again with the urn raised. This is getting absurd. That’s going to be a loaded statement in a moment.

-Yoko punches Bearer and takes the urn, hitting Taker with it. The lid comes off and mysterious green smokes comes billowing from it. This scared me so badly as a kid.

-Crush almost botches a suplex as the heels take turns on the Deadman. Bam Bam headbutts, Jarrett fist drops, the Headshrinkers splash. All get no sold because he’s just flat out DEAD now. DOES HE HAVE ZERO FRIENDS?!?!

-The heel contingent finally drags and kicks him into the casket. The lid gets shut, Bigelow jumps on top and the padlock is placed.

WINNER: Yokozuna at 14:26 to retain the title

FINAL WORD: I remember the match being longer before it breaks down into its own insanity. Speaking of which…

-The heels clap for the champ as he celebrates. The crowd is angry, but quietly sad. The casket is wheeled to the back and Vince claims it’s the end of the Undertaker. Another gong goes off before green smoke comes out of the casket. A camera shows Taker unconscious inside and then BOOM AWAKE.

-He cuts a goddamn promo that makes Bray Wyatt sound like a Dr. Seuss book. “I will not rest in peace” after claiming a rebirth. Some weird X-Ray effect is seen before he fucking explodes on screen and then levitates out of the screen. Back then, you either loved it or thought it killed the business. Now, it didn’t kill the business, but it’s definitely a jump from where we’ve been. DiBiase is very good at selling all of this as crazy and unprecedented. Bearer has the urn again and talks to the casket. He gestures for entirely too long. “We have witnessed the supernatural,” Vince claims before we finally move on to Rumble match promos!

-Macho Man Randy Savage: he gets less than 10 seconds, but manages to claim that he will crush Crush.

-Jeff Jarrett: I don’t know what bothers me more, the outfit or the constant laughing.

-Tatanka: just give him a shot! I think he’s earned it!

-Diesel: I know what’s coming, but he won’t get any MVP consideration after his BAD punching into his own hand and gritting teeth promo.

-Doink and Dink: somehow worse than Survivor Series. I miss Matt Borne dearly.

-Shawn Michaels: he throws his IC Title away when claiming to be the next WWF Champ.

-Lex Luger: he seems to have rehearsed this promo for hours. In other words, it’s calculated to a fault.

-The commentators discuss the fairness of Lex being in the Rumble because he already had his one title shot, but Fuji has hired his men to take him out. Bret Hart’s status is mentioned again before Fink announces the rules. This is the first year we’ve gone to 90 seconds instead of two-minute intervals. The crowd energy is definitely down after that Taker nonsense.

-SCOTT STEINER is NUMBER 1 and it barely gets a reacton. Fuck Rhode Island. He is so ready to leave. It’s time for random Rumble fact time! Scott was a rumored surprise winner of the 1993 Rumble and he was also surprised of how much he enjoyed the film The Bodyguard. SAMU is NUMBER 2 and Afa throws him into the ring. Samu has never learned to throw a Frisbee.

MATCH NUMBER FIVE: ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH FOR A WWF TITLE SHOT AT WRESTLEMANIA X

-Time constraints and Jack Tunney are blamed for the 90 second intervals as Scott tries to suplex Samu until the crowd is happy and it doesn’t really work. A big Samu clothesline does a better job.

-Casio is sponsoring the countdown clock and RICK STEINER is NUMBER 3.  Ted screams “WOW!” He walks to the ring while his brother is almost eliminated. He was never the brightest. Rick Steiner spells the word bright “brite.”

-I’m shocked about how throwaway the Steiners are presented. They trade suplexes and this has the energy of a dead body at the circus.

-Samu’s head gets caught in the ropes and it looks scary. Samu is eliminated at 3:14 by a Scott Steiner push. KWANG is NUMBER 4 and he mists Rick Steiner as soon as he enters the ring. He deserved it because he didn’t fight his brother.

-Savio’s ninja shit is absurd. Rick’s whole face is green. Kwang’s whole bathroom is wallpapered green. There’s a lot of catcalls early.

-OWEN HART is NUMBER 5 right as Vince is making a reference to Bret. He goes right after the wounded Rick. Owen Hart was a huge Rick Moranis fan.

-Rick Steiner is eliminated at 5:49 very slowly and awkwardly by Owen. It was simply a punch in the gut as he was hanging over the top rope. BART GUNN is NUMBER 6 and he is met with severe indifference. He’s met with cheers as he beats Owen up. Bart Gunn used to record Cheers so he could watch it the next day.

-Vince says something broke out backstage and will try and get camera there. It hopefully happens soon because the in-ring action is nothing. Ted is still an MVP by putting over his previous endurance in the Rumble and what it takes to last.

-DIESEL is NUMBER 7 and the mood slightly changes. Ted has a good line about being that tall by standing on his wallet. Diesel refuses to buy a Tesla.

-Big Daddy Cool is trying to be vicious, but it’s coming through scattered and rough. Nevertheless, Bart Gunn is eliminated at 8:56, Scott Steiner is eliminated at 9:01 and Owen Hart is eliminated at 9:09 to massive cheers. After a missed spin kick, Kwang is eliminated at 9:23

-BOB BACKLUND is NUMBER 8 BABY! He’s acting weird as shit again by crawling around and focusing on Diesel’s legs. He picks Nash up and it looks like the big man has to legit hang on. Bob Backlund hangs his dry clothes outside just to make sure they are dry.

-Ted asks what Bob is doing and the answer is leaving. Bob Backlund is eliminated at 10:19 in a super departure from last year’s Rumble. Diesel has time to say “come on” and taunt. This works. Don’t expect him as an MVP, though. His execution is too sloppy.

-BILLY GUNN is NUMBER 9 to open disappointment from the audience. He takes one big boot as Vince says DiBiase is going to eat his words and Billy Gunn is eliminated at 11:26. Having the crowd hate your guts upon first sight and getting eliminated in mere seconds? That’s the definition of Bitchcakes. No random fact for you, bitch.

-Tenryu and Kabuki are shown beating up Lex Luger with some brooms backstage. I see Jerry Jarrett on hand. That’s why his son has a gig. Ted gives Fuji props for having a gameplan.

-VIRGIL is NUMBER 10 to more groans, but admitted excitement from the crowd because Diesel’s run is impressive. He’s the alternate for Kamala and Vince openly roots for him. Ted says he’ll enjoy this and he’s right because Virgil is eliminated at 13:14 by brute force. DiBiase calls “NEXT!” After the back-to-back combo of Virgil and Billy Gunn and the speed of the Rumble now, I’m retiring the random Rumble facts. Bob Backlund was a good way to go out.

-RANDY SAVAGE is NUMBER 11 and Diesel’s expression changes. It’s the pop of the night so far and he goes to work on the big man with punches. He tries to eliminate as DiBiase points out the seven eliminations so far by Diesel.

-JEFF JARRETT is NUMBER 12 and he looks like an American Gladiator on the cover of Tiger Beat. Vince mentions his country gimmick while this fuck struts around and dropkicks Macho. He’s an LVP level buffoon. Even the heel commentator tells him to stop posing.

-Savage hangs on and knees Double J in the back. Jeff Jarrett is eliminated at 17:23. CRUSH is NUMBER 13 and he half runs to the ring. Randy goes right after him. This is too fast to keep up with and it’s honestly a good change from past Rumbles.

-Savage was all offense until Crush catches him from behind and nails a gutwrench backbreaker. DOINK is NUMBER 14 and Randy Savage is eliminated at 19:04 incredibly slowly by Crush in the World’s Strongest Slam position. That barely took anything.

-The heels beat on one another as Doink laughs in the corner. He attracts their attention and squirts water in their face and stomps on their feet and pokes their eyes. Lame ass shit. A double team soon follows because this face clown sucks.

-BAM BAM BIGELOW is NUMBER 15. Boy, this stretch is weird. The other two heels hold the ropes open for him and it leads to Doink eliminated at 21:11 in the gnarliest gorilla press to the floor. Ouch. Fuck you, Doink.

-The heels scrum for a little while until MABEL is NUMBER 16. Watching him and Nash is a literal sight for sore eyes. Every heel eats a corner splash from the future Viscera.

-SPARKY PLUGG is NUMBER 17 to total silence. He’s the alternate for the injured 123 Kid. Vince tries to put over the story of him potentially winning and Ted rightfully doubts it. Diesel’s time is put over while everyone just cheap shots one another.

-Crush slides in smoothly as the other four men try to eliminate him. Then, everyone tries to eliminate one another all at once.

-SHAWN MICHAELS is NUMBER 18 and that’s one cocky jog. He immediately faces off with Diesel and begs off. A punch is threatened, but they ultimately shake hands. Everyone attacks Diesel from behind and Vince’s tone sucks at this development. Diesel is eliminated at 25:59 by everyone including a final push by Shawn Michaels. DiBiase points that out as a mistake and Nash gets a big ovation on his way to the back. He gets loud chants and you can hear Vince’s surprise convert into dollar signs.

-MO is NUMBER 19 and he’s acting really goofy. He grabs Shawn and that man can make anyone look like a threat because he acts like getting grab by Mo is the most drastic thing.

-GREG VALENTINE is NUMBER 20 to a surprisingly strong reaction. His credentials are put over as standard Rumble action continues.

-Mabel chops the shit out of Greg. You can’t say he doesn’t have balls.

-TATANKA is NUMBER 21 and causes HBK to do a 360 spin off of one punch. Mabel comes and holds Tatanka for Shawn, but eats the punch instead. Vince does not call a good Rumble. His reactions and tone are all over the place in so many moments.

-Everyone seems to be standing around waiting for the next spot on several occasions. KABUKI is NUMBER 22. He looks like the human embodiment of arts and crafts day at camp.

-Everyone but Mo focuses on Mabel. He literally stands back until HBK knocks him down. Mabel is eliminated at 32:31 by seven dudes hoisting his lard ass up and over.

-LEX LUGER is NUMBER 23 and Ted doesn’t believe it. He goes right at Kabuki before hitting everyone else. Kabuki is eliminated at 33:39 and Lex’s lackluster everything has the crowd quiet again before the next entrant.

-It’s definitely nice seeing heels openly fight heels and faces openly fight faces. TENRYU is NUMBER 24 and he spits on his hands to warm them up for chops. He nails Lex with some and they’re naturally sold like shit. McMahon has to blame Tenryu as being hesitant for some of them. Nevertheless, those chops are still LOUD.

-Michaels is constantly in trouble while NUMBER 25 is A NO SHOW. Bret Hart is the assumed entrant by Vince as the action continues. Vince claims it to be a bad night for the Harts and Ted says “not Owen” and lets out a devious laugh. He’s really settled into the role nicely.

-RICK MARTEL is NUMBER 26 and struggles getting into the ring. The commentators have no sense of time or maybe WCW has me spoiled because it doesn’t feel like HBK has been in for 15 minutes or Crush for 22 minutes. This wasn’t as hard at every two minutes.

-There’s a long pause before BRET HART is NUMBER 27. He limps the whole way and not even Adam Banks sold an injury like this and he’s a cake eater (and the reference challenge is complete). Ted supports his guts, but questions his brains. He’s immediately stomped by Crush. Tenryu gets his licks in after a chop war with Sparky, too.

-HBK has been in more trouble than he usually is out of the ring this entire match. FATU is NUMBER 28 and the ring is now way too full.

-Bigelow hits Lex a couple times before ultimately helping him, Plugg and Bret eliminate Crush at 42:38.

-MARTY JANNETTY is NUMBER 29 and goes right after Shawn. This gets a massive ovation as they hammer away. It’s the most energy in the match for quite some time. Marty probably did blow in preparation. Tenryu gets in the way of a superkick spot.

-ADAM BOMB is NUMBER 30 as the commentators debated who was left. The buzzer barely went off for him. Vince claims he’s going to win and that might cinch the LVP for him. Bomb can’t find anyone to beat up for too long.

-Sparky Pluff is eliminated at 45:21 sloppily by Bret and Shawn. Vince McMahon explains that BASTION BOOGER was NUMBER 25 and couldn’t make it because he ate too much. Classic.

-All the focus is on Shawn’s longevity, but Bam has been in longer. He’s just doing a lot less.

-Why the fuck is Mo still in?!?!? Bomb and Bret are teeing off and the commentators are shocked.

-DiBiase finally points out Bigelow’s run as this is called the most brutal and taxing Rumble so far. In many ways and points, that is the correct assessment. Shawn’s work in hanging with his arms is unparalleled and I have to consider him an MVP finally.

-After a weird corner boost and slide over the top, Greg Valentine is eliminated at 49:15 by Rick Martel. Someone must have given the boys a signal because Rick Martel is eliminated at 49:32 by Tatanka, Adam Bomb is eliminated at 49:48 by Luger ducking and Mo is eliminated at 49:55 by a Fatu superkick. Ted rightfully rakes Bomb over the coals for being out so quickly as number 30.

-Tatanka is eliminated at 50:15 by Bam Bam getting his heat back from the opener. Vince repeats Ted’s facts wrong and keeps claiming everyone can win.

-Bam Bam Bigelow is eliminated at 51:05 after a Flair-like bump over the top and an elbow by Luger. Marty Jannetty is eliminated at 51:12 by Shawn Michaels as expected.

-Tenryu double noggin knocks HBK and Fatu. Shawn flies backwards, but Fatu no sells and hits his own headbutt.

-Tenryu throws more chops, but gets overwhelmed. Tenryu is eliminated at 52:30 by Bret and Lex. He fought the whole way out.

-Why is Fatu in the final four?!?! He draws Lex as HBK and Bret work magic with reversals and fake outs on elimination attempts. Fatu is no slouch with headbutts, kicks and second rope dives, though.

-The heels try to double team Luger out, but he fights it off and turns Fatu inside out on a clothesline. The faces whip both heels, there’s a leapfrog and Fatu and Shawn Michaels are eliminated at 54:11. OMG HBK’s bump over the post is incredible.

-The faces stand off and trade slugs as the crowd goes bananas. There’s a pick up and a fall over the top rope together. The refs immediately begin arguing and both claim to have seen what happened. The commentators argue as well. Eventually, Fink announces Lex Luger as the winner. His theme plays and the crowd is happy, but there are definite boos.

-Bret limps around before Fink announces him as the winner to a bigger pop without question. He can barely get in the ring. He’s such an amazing seller by climbing the second rope on one foot. This is just Vince workshopping out his ideas in front of a live audience. This was so fresh at the time, but also very cheap and excruciatingly executed. Tunney enters as cases are pled.

-The replay is finally shown and it’s purposely a bad angle. Ted insists Lex won and makes an interesting point. Vince doesn’t. Tunney talks to Fink. He listens intently and starts to make the announcement, but stops and goes back for clarification. The crowd is getting restless. “Are you sure?” Ted makes a good point about just letting them fight. Another replay shows how this is the highlight of Lex’s career by making sure this didn’t get botched.

-Fink makes it a point to still pause before finally giving the official word.

WINNERS: Bret Hart and Lex Luger in 55:11

FINAL WORD: What an incredibly oddball Rumble match. It’s always watchable, but never reaching the upper echelon. The ending is historic, but not necessarily positively.

-The crowd is disappointed by the cheap finish, but shouldn’t everyone be happy that both of their guys won? Imagine this being part of a newer generation and this becomes a three-way instead. It would be Daniel Bryan 20 years early. Tunney bolts and the refs talk to the two men while they stand around unhappy. The Mania theme plays before they come together to shake hands. Lex leaves first and that feels like the wrong choice. Bret signs a sign in the front row as still highlights are shown from the event as a wrap up.

-The Rumble match is only shown in one picture before cutting to the end. That says something.

-Vince claims one last look at the end of the Rumble that will tell the story. “WE JUST FOUND IT” he proclaims. Asshole liar. One more “WOW” by DiBiase because it’s still inconclusive with the bottom rope in the way of their feet. Fuck us then. Good night!

THE LAST IMAGE: Bret Hart and Lex Luger

THE WRAP UP

FINAL MVP of PPV: The two most notable people on this show had too many bad moments to be considered and Shawn Michaels didn’t do enough, so I’m giving Ted DiBiase his third award because he was much better than the other “retired” wrestlers who got many more chances on the headset. He deserved more chances based on this great performance.

FINAL LVP of PPV: This is an odd show because nobody is too notable on either end of the spectrum in-ring. That means we look to the commentary team for this one, too. Vince McMahon was bound to get this as an announcer, so getting it with his overly bombastic voice, refusal to acknowledge moves and bad inflection work for his first LVP here.

MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Royal Rumble Match

MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Razor Ramon vs IRS

FINAL THOUGHTS: This felt like a modern era B-level PPV with screwy finishes to set up shit in the future out of laziness and ill-preparedness. The crowd’s enthusiasm was hurt by outlandish ending and confusing scenarios. WrestleMania is set up nicely, but the action is largely inexcusable on this card. The writing failed the wrestlers as big shows like this shouldn’t leave more questions on purpose. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND

NEXT TIME: Every SuperBrawl has been a recommend. Can the fourth version keep the trend going with Bobby Heenan’s debut and Thundercage?