I’ve always been enamored by the concept of “Card Subject to Change.” As a child, I saw it on all of the commercials for upcoming PPVs and I never understood what it meant. Once I got older, it became clear that it was wrestling companies’ insurance for “shit happens.”
More often than not, it led to nothing. I’ve made the joke a plethora of times as of late that WCW PPVs opened with a scratch or alteration, but this phrase hasn’t been uttered. In those cases, the reason was almost always legit and they didn’t try to spruce it up. WWF is not WCW in many ways and this is one of them.
Every traditional elimination match in the 1993 iteration of the November classic has some crazy story attached to it that forced the card to be changed. Wrestlers walked out, were pending criminal charges, were fired for drugs or were just replaced for more popular options. These things happened within a couple of weeks of the show taking place. The entire subject of this show since its occurrence has been that the card changed significantly. The old adage is change is a good thing.
Old adages can get fucked.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 67- WWF SURVIVOR SERIES 1993
Written on 5/31/2021
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: Lex Luger and his entire family sitting by the fireplace. He makes his children say hello and it’s very awkward. I think there is a famous story about how this took hours to shoot. It’s legitimately 30 seconds. Then, we abruptly cut to a very random guy singing the National Anthem. He’s Rockin’ Robin levels of bad and has an accent I cannot discern. There’s a Waylon Mercy looking dude in the crowd more interesting than this performance. It’s been a rough 90 seconds.
-There’s finally an opening intro and it looks like Doom on crack?!?! There’s a weird industrial vibe with screaming before going back live in the fantastic Boston Garden. Vince McMahon claims they sold out in one hour and Bobby Heenan talks turkey and giblets backstage AKA egos and teams while a Weasel chant starts. Radio WWF is behind them and Gorilla is watching his old partner very intently.
-Diesel’s theme without the cool jazz plays for Kevin Nash, IRS, Rick Martel and Adam Bomb. IRS is the team captain, but still doesn’t have music. That’s why we have to suffer through this truck noises. Bomb says some nonsense into the camera and IRS gets mic time about the crowd being thankful this team doesn’t come out and audit them. He’s an LVP as usual. The 123 Kid gets a great ovation with the music I recognize while Marty Jannetty has the same Rocker shit. Bobby calls them both punks. Razor Ramon is now the IC Champ and he enters looking good with all that gold. Vince reinforces his undisputed status despite Shawn Michaels being back on this show. Razor gets the mic and Bobby calls him “Desi.” He says his “partner Perfecto” is so perfect that he tagged out before the match started. Here’s our first replacement player, but it’s a good one: someone with “as much machismo” as Razor. Randy Savage enters to a rapturous ovation. It’s been way too long to have him on a headset and not in the ring. This is what I’m thankful for. Vince puts over his feud with Crush/desire to just be in the same building as his rival.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH- IRS, Diesel, Rick Martel and Adam Bomb w/Harvey Wippleman vs Razor Ramon, 123 Kid, Marty Jannetty and Randy Savage
-Razor and Martel start 60 seconds after the bell rings as the commentators do a good job talking about the friction on both sides.
-Martel is a little chunkier, but still bumping around good for Ramon. The ring is very loud and Adam tags in. It’s his first appearance and he feels like old news already.
-Bomb has the power advantage as Harvey growls at ringside. The crowd is loud for everything, which has been nothing so far. A test of strength was locked in as I write that.
-Razor finally counters it with a Northern Lights suplex and enters the MVP race. Martel accidentally elbows Bomb and the heels come apart. Harvey gets pushed down, Bomb punches Martel and the crowd goes nuts. It’s all ridiculous, but effective.
-Kid comes in and is manhandled by Bomb and Diesel in his first in-ring WWF PPV action. He’s already better than his entire WCW run with a gutwrench suplex/powerbomb. Heenan says it’s past Kid’s bedtime. He’s not first again, but he’s still an MVP threat.
-After a headscissors, Savage tags in and hits axe handles on everyone. The heels collide again, an impressive bodyslam and DIESEL is the 1st person eliminated at 10:20 after a top rope elbow drop. He stayed strong by kicking out right at three. “What a confusing matchup this has been,” Vince claims.
-IRS is sweating for no fucking reason. Vince brings Shawn up as Razor takes a cheap shot and begins taking the heat.
-Bobby asks if Vince has ever cheated anyone and he says “of course not.” L O FUCKING L. Bobby says he should try it because it’s a ball.
-Big kneelift by Razor after the heels fake some tags, but he still can’t get out of the ring. Eventually, Macho tags in and has absolutely zero chemistry with IRS. He sets up the elbow, but Crush walks out to distract. Macho makes a beeline for him, but his partners hold him back. Apparently, his actions have cost him his broadcasting job and now it’s cost him in the match. RANDY SAVAGE is the 2nd man eliminated at 16:46 by an IRS roll-up. He chases after Crush as his stupid demotion for being old continues.
-Marty finally enters the match and looks like the Colorforms logo coming to life. Let’s go for a 80s/90s toy reference challenge. Marty is on defense very quickly.
-Ramon tags in after the Model hits the post and goes to town on IRS. He hits the chokeslam, calls for his finish and hits it. IRS is the 3rd person eliminated at 20:32 with the Razor’s Edge. All five remaining men brawl in the ring.
-Martel goes up for the Edge, but IRS hits the Bad Guy in the ribs with his briefcase. The champ rolls to the floor as IRS leaves with a bloody eye. RAZOR RAMON is the 4th person eliminated at 21:42 by countout. These are some unceremonious exits for the biggest stars in this match.
-“123” chant from the crowd and Bobby is amazed that they can count that high. MVP advantage goes to him. Kid and Martel have a good rapport as the heel is cocky and the face is athletic. Heenan claims you can keep Kid down with a glass of milk and a couple of cookies.
-Bomb catches Kid in mid-air on a suicide dive attempt and slams him hard on that famous hardwood Boston floor. He also hits a nice slingshot clothesline back in the ring. Wrath had some moves!
-Kid is called a “gamey little cuss” as he impressively kicks Adam before finally making the tag. Jannetty is a house of fire…maybe too much.
-RICK MARTEL is the 5th person eliminated at 26:47 after a nice sunset flip counter in the corner by Kid off of a blind tag.
-Very quickly, ADAM BOMB is the 6th person eliminated after another quick tag and sunset flip, this time by Marty. The place goes nuts.
WINNERS: The 123 Kid and Marty Jannetty survive at 26:58
FINAL WORD: That’s classic Survivor Series action with the stars getting safe exits and the lower card impressively carrying the load.
-Vince previews the superstar of the year voting before sending it to Todd Pettengill with Shawn Michaels backstage. He’s recently reinstated and still wearing his IC Title. He’s almost too cocky here. He’s another replacement, this time for Jerry Lawler because of VERY BAD REASONS. It’s funny when you’re suspended for failing drugs and then you brought back because someone else did something worse. It cuts to Ray Combs from Family Feud interviewing the Hart Family. Bruce is trying to looks real hard, Keith looks like a goof, Stu looks lost and the two famous and good Harts look cool. Apparently Shawn and his ill-fitting Knights have been making fun of Stu and Helen. Owen gets his words in, Keith adds a shitty Hart Attack line and Bruce forces his way into speaking while wearing fucking sunglasses indoors. Back to HBK laughing and he seems to insinuate he’d kill his parents if they were ugly. This whole story is predicated/shoehorned around last year’s Survivor Series main event. Keith is a fireman and Bruce is a substitute teacher? Fucking perfect. He’s handpicked his Knights? Why not make them your Sexy Boys then?
-Ray Combs is in the ring and recognizes members of the Hart Family to the live crowd. Martha is holding Oje and he is crying his eyes out. Bobby calls them all ugly before claiming the brothers smell like zoo dirt and Helen is wearing “corrective hose on the wrong feet.” I might not be able to keep up with these jokes. Ray cuts a very long winded promo about the whole situation and claims Shawn answered “Newbraska” for states starting with “New” on his show. The crowd doesn’t chuckle at all. I think he gets fired soon and kills himself in like two years? More survey bits about Shawn’s mom being ugly enough for Bigfoot to take pictures of and Shawn’s dad being slow enough to watch 60 Minutes in two hours. I’m sad I have to give him an LVP. He finally announces the fucking participants. Shawn enters with three goons in black, blue and red. Combs has a good announcer voice. The Black Knight is fucking JACKED and shows off trying to get a permanent job in the camera. Shawn jaws at the Hart Family at ringside while Combs implores him to get in the ring.
-Brain claims Helen just birthed eight of the 20 Harts in attendance. Keith and Bruce run out like local yokels with a budget. Owen runs out to a good pop and looks like Billy Zabka’s stunt double. Bret enters to a roar in a pink singlet…notably different than everyone else. Ray is still blabbering as Stu SLOWLY toddles out in a Bruins jacket Bobby claims was stolen. He also says Stu last wrestled at the Boston Garden in 1845. Combs is joining commentary. Oh joy.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH- Shawn Michaels and the Blue, Black and Red Knights vs Bruce, Keith, Owen and Bret Hart w/Stu Hart
-If Bobby Heenan was playing Halo, he’d be running riot right now. He says Stu and Helen are making “Senile in Seattle,” can be taken any place with a nice car and says “THAT’s the smell” when it’s pointed out the family is behind him.
-Owen versus Shawn to start…until Shawn begs for Bruce to start so he can “teach him something.” Bruce acts like fucking Superman in this interaction and Shawn collides with the Red Knight (played by Barry Horowitz).
-About Keith: “HE’S A FIREMAN?!?!?!” About Bruce: “Isn’t that a stupid name? You have nine months and that’s the best you can come up with?” LEGEND. MVP. Often forgotten: he thinks Keith is named Carmen.
-Owen is called “The Shadow” and Reo Rogers is mentioned. Let’s not. Owen is all over the Red and Black Knights. Black can barely bump. Blue enters and he’s obviously Greg Valentine. He has very shitty posture and body language, like he doesn’t want to be there.
- “Hey, Stu! WAKE UP!!!” “It’ll take him two hours and we’ll be off the air.” I know I’m just throwing quotes out without context, but I can’t help it. Royal Rumble 1992 might honestly have competition. Combs, on the other hand, just keeps going “OH” and reacting to moves like a bad fan.
-Bruce Hart is on the LVP chase by being sloppy, not selling anything and lacking any ring savvy. He ran on the apron to run HBK’s head into the corner…of HBK’s team.
-Bret tags in and carries the Black Knight, who is apparently someone named Jeff Gaylord. By carry, I mean destroys with offense.
- “I have boys?!?!?!” Bobby pretending to be Stu will never get old. Even Combs can’t help but laugh. All eight men enters the ring and the heels all collide in the middle. The worst member is isolated and THE BLACK KNIGHT is the 1st person eliminated at 10:49 by an Owen Hart missile dropkick.
- “Helen, I’m damp.” Vince calls Heenan a bad man while the Harts kill Red’s leg for three minutes.
-Keith’s arm becomes the focus, so Brain just yells firefighter terms. Keith hasn’t wrestled in four years, but he doesn’t show it like Bruce.
- “You know what I just noticed? None of the Harts look alike!” Combs does a poor job explaining, but it doesn’t matter because the line is so good.
-Michaels misses a Rocket Launcher and Keith tags Bret. Shawn immediately tags out and THE RED KNIGHT is the 2nd person eliminated at 18:07 with a Sharpshooter. Blue enters with a stiff clothesline.
-Stu rubs Keith’s shoulder and Bobby blurts out “oh, that’ll help!”
-The Harts are called a good looking family and it’s followed by an incredulous laugh. Ray keeps trying to add to the bits and hurts them every time.
-Bobby says Helen took her teeth out to eat popcorn as Bret takes the heat from the two remaining heels. Brain claims all of the women look Helen’s age.
-Owen tags in and Greg is barely moving on any punches or sells. Shawn evades an attack in the ring and gets hit by Stu on the floor. It gets sold like a gunshot and then Owen dives on him to wake the crowd up.
-THE BLUE KNIGHT is the 3rd person eliminated at 23:46 via an Owen Hart Sharpshooter. HBK is despondent on the floor and Bret throws him back inside so he can get hit from all sides.
- “Oh, there’s a picture of Helen on the back of Stu’s jacket!” I’m crying over here. Bruce continues to be the shits before Bret tags in and gets some good nearfalls. An eye rake causes Owen to tag back in.
-Bret sells the eye forever and eats the rail after Owen hits the ropes. OWEN HART is the 4th person eliminated at 27:17 by a roll-up. The Rocket immediately gets up and screams at Bret on the floor.
-In the foreground, Heenan throws Shawn a bottle of water while Owen calls Bret a “selfish bastard.” Then, he does a great Stu impression by calling Bret a bum. What can’t he do?
-The three remaining Harts take turns beating Michaels up. It’s highlighted by a crotching spot where Bruce can’t shake the ropes properly. Then, he follows Shawn as he bails, so he fucks up the finish. SHAWN MICHAELS is the 5th person eliminated by countout. As Heenan says “spend 20 minutes with the Harts, that’s what I’d do.”
WINNERS: Bruce, Keith and Bret Hart survive at 30:57
FINAL WORD: That was a bit of a chore to watch, but Bobby Heenan makes this an all-time must watch.
-The Harts celebrate and Helen is all smiles. Stu’s tongue is sticking out. Owen comes back out and he pulls Bret down from his celebration to shove him. It’s all sold so well and Owen shoves everyone, refusing to be consoled. Helen fake cries and Bobby exclaims, “oh no, they are going to repossess my teeth!” That’s such a great MST3K line. Owen taunts on the middle rope and the crowd boos. This is some MVP heel breadcrumbs. Bret is forlorn walking to the back. Todd tries to interview Owen, but gets blown off. Owen still beats a hobbling Stu to the back.
-Vince and Bobby recap everything and say they will be switching spots with Radio WWF for the next match. Gorilla Monsoon wants to get his hands on Heenan and the weasel jokingly says he’s going to beat up Ray Combs. Pettengill talks as Gorilla threatens to punch Bobby to a massive reaction. They both make gestures behind each other’s back and this is their last PPV interaction eve. I’ll never have a friend like that.
-A commercial for WrestleMania X in MSG airs and JR previews all of the stories in the main event. The original teams are shown, but Tatanka was finally defeated by a Ludvig Borga chair shot (with one finger no less) and a heel beatdown topped with Banzai Drops takes him out. Two weeks later, Lex Luger unveils The Undertaker as his replacement and he claims to “let freedom ring” by opening his jacket to reveal the red, white and blue…but a very unfortunate Confederate flag makes it less dope. Luger takes Quebecer Pierre out with a loaded forearm shot and he gets replaced with Crush. Look at Jacques Rougeau getting back into the good graces here! Look at Johnny Polo being a little twerp! Look at how small the WWF Title is on Yokozuna’s shoulder!
-Jim Cornette enters and introduces the Heavenly Bodies. JR calls them four-time Smokey Mountain Wrestling tag champs and then explains what that means. Gorilla is full of his usual cliches, but has a good rapport with Ross. The Rock N Roll Express enter as the SMW Champions. How many chances are these guys going to get to recapture the glory days? The dubbing hurts any audible reaction to the heels jumping the faces before the bell.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: SMW TAG TITLE MATCH- The Heavenly Bodies w/Jim Cornette vs The Rock N Roll Express (Champs)
-The faces recover very quickly and Gibson holds the ropes open wide enough for Mantaur to dive through them, so Ricky Morton is fine. Cornette’s bad attire is made fun of as Jimmy Del Ray and Robert Gibson officially start the match.
-JR claims this feud has been going on for 10 years. I wish Bobby Eaton and Stan Lane were here. He later points out the Midnight Express while telling the story, so I stand corrected in my criticism.
-Decent action so far and the heels are bumping all over for Morton, but the crowd is sitting on their hands.
-Rowboat, double atomic drop, double monkey flips. Boston has no idea what to do with all of this regional shit.
-Vince and Bobby at the Radio WWF booth are shown explaining the usual dumb rules for SMW. Meanwhile, Ross talks about Gibson’s mother being a deaf mute and RNR using signing at times for their teamwork. That’s actually neat!
-Jimmy Del Ray and Tom Prichard looks like rejected My Buddy dolls (and we have one more to go). Dr. Tom hits a transitional powerbomb on Ricky and JR calls it Bomb’s Atom Smasher. Vince can’t complain in his ear about calling moves!
-The Gigolo hits an impressive Asai moonsault as Cornette holds Morton on the floor. That didn’t get nearly the reaction it deserved.
-The Bodies hit a nice sidewalk slam/clothesline combo. I think Ricky Morton has been in more babyface in peril tag spots than every NXT wrestler ever.
-A second moonsault is hit and Gibson interrupts the count. Morton finally hits a double DDT and gets the tag. Cornette is pounding the mat trying to get the crowd to get behind this match, but it doesn’t work. The typical Gibson comeback is met with indifference.
-Tom throws Morton over the top and Gibson thinks it’s a DQ, but it isn’t. Fucking dumb. Things fall apart before the patented double dropkick is hit. Cornette distracts the ref and the Express are shitheads.
WINNERS: The Heavenly Bodies at 13:35 to win the titles when Tom Prichard pins Robert Gibson after a racket shot by Jimmy Del Ray off the top rope.
FINAL WORD: That was a rough day at the office for these guys for no real reason besides a lack of familiarity.
-Doink is sadly babyface and he is shown taunting Bam Bam Bigelow on Superstars. Matt Borne tries his best and the camera tricks of four Doinks with props is impressive. After a lame pail joke, we see the Headshrinkers and Bastion Booger eating turkeys in the grossest way possible backstage. Jesus Christ, that is a lot of watch. Afa is spitting turkey at the camera. Oh yeah, and Bam Bam Bigelow is making up words! Todd Pettengill is somehow the least insufferable part of this whole interview.
-Bobby claims Booger is his pick for Superstar of the Year and Vince reminds him it’s a family show. Bam Bam leads his disgusting team out and a young girl covered in zits looks on stone faced. Booger’s shirt is fucking barf inducing. Doink’s music plays, but immediately transitions into the Bushwhackers theme. They enter, one riding a scooter and the other carrying a Radio Flyer. What a sight. The Doink music plays again and now it’s Men on a Mission. They are already very popular in their PPV debut. Oscar makes a good Doink, but Mabel is TERRIFYING. I think they are the only three black people in the building and you can tell. More fucking “Whoomp There It Is” and I’m debating a reoccurring tally of something for Mabel. I don’t think I can stomach it. Pun intended.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH- Bam Bam Bigelow, The Headshrinkers and Bastion Booger w/Luna Vachon and Afa vs The Doinkwhackers and Doinks on a Mission w/Oscar Doink
-The “We Want Doink” chant doesn’t hit as hard as the “We Want Flair” chant, but I get it with these rejects. The faces encourage the chant and the bells rang 90 seconds ago as everyone continues to stand around.
-Booger and Luke start. It’s as abysmal as you’d expect. Booger attempts a weak splash and Heenan asks about the smell. Bastion wants food and ends up getting his butt bitten before an eye rake. Uggggghhhhh…
-Samu bits some balloons and that makes Butch sad. He bites another and that makes Mabel sad. He bites a third and it’s a water balloon. SAMU is the 1st person eliminated at 3:00 by a Luke roll up. This is technically a wrestling match.
-Fatu suplexes Luke into referee Tim White’s legs, but Tim doesn’t go down. That’s not wise, Mr. White!
-There’s some confusion over what to call the Doinks, but it will forever be Mo Doink in my book. Thanks, Andrew Zangre. Bigelow is in and he’s not happy. The ring is filthy.
-Booger hits the alarming Trip to the Batcave, but gets distracted by a banana and eats it. He goes for the move again, but Luke is pulled out with plenty of time for him to notice. He naturally still misses.
-BASTION BOOGER is the 2nd person eliminated at 6:01 by a Mabel leg drop. The big man adds a little spin to the pin as Heenan says “Whoopsie, There It Is.”
-Bobby claims Mabel is Oprah, but recants because she recently slimmed down to 350. Savage. Mo is now riding the scooter in the ring as Vince asks what’s going on. Fatu is confused. Luke is still the legal man for some reason. Bam kicks Mo and throws the scooter making him my hero. There have been no fucking tags, but Mo is now legal.
-Fatu hits the diving splash, but more food leads to more confusion. A bucket is teased like we are at a Globetrotters game and naturally Fatu slips on a banana peel. FATU is the 3rd person eliminated at 8:31 after that fall and Butch covers him. Heenan wants this to end.
-Bigelow enters and cleans house until Mabel enters and towers over him. Nobody budges on tackle attempts until the biggest man goes down.
-Butch throws something on Luna and that creates the distraction to allow a double splash by MOM in the corner. Vince says it best: “this is a cartoon!” BAM BAM BIGELOW is the 4th person eliminated by a pile up of all four Doinks.
WINNERS: The Doinkwhackers and Doinks on a Mission survive at 10:58
FINAL WORD: That might have been the most damaging and offensive match in wrestling history up to this point.
-The crowd is somehow happy with all of this fucking absurdity. Brain thinks they are at Jeffrey Dahmer’s house before he trades saying “gizzards” very funnily with Vince. Bam is slow to get up and walks to the back. An obviously different Doink taunts him on the screen. He fucks up some words and it’s amazing how they can ruin this character so quickly. Bigelow is called “flame brain” and Luna gets blown a kiss that turns into monkey noises before laughing ensues. Here’s an LVP for the new Doink.
-Pettengill interviews the Foreign Fanatics and he uses words he doesn’t understand. Cornette makes the same joke and cuts an awesome promo about taking out the heart (Steiners), mind (Taker) and soul (Lex) of their opponents. Polo is very obnoxious behind him and the heels all yell Banzai to wrap the segment up.
-Some signs are shown in the crowd before an odd edit and Ludvig Borga’s entrance amid “USA” chants. The Quebecers theme plays for Jacques and the Mad Hatter-looking Polo. The former Mountie is so tan and different with his hair slicked back. Crush walks out to Yoko’s theme, but they turn it off. The champ then enters to his theme and he looks bigger somehow in a three-month span. He was on Conan the previous night and I’ve seen it before; Mr. Fuji crushes it. A fan grabs Yoko and he’s lucky he didn’t get killed. Bobby thinks Conan is Bob Backlund.
-GONG and the lights go out. McMahon claims Bobby is under the table. He plays along and asks if the boss is wearing swim fins. After the slow walk to the ring and the lights brought back up, the Steiner Brothers walk out in their American flag gear without much enthusiasm. Yeah, you can tell they are ready to leave for some reason already. Stars and Stripes Forever for Lex Luger and a good pop to go along with it. Fink calls him “an American original.”
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH- The Foreign Fanatics w/Mr. Fuji, Jim Cornette and Johnny Polo vs The All-Americans w/Paul Bearer
-Yoko and Taker face off at the bell as the crowd chants “USA” some more. Bobby claims to hate Thanksgiving because there are no gifts, lousy football and family that you hate. MVP once again for keeping it 100.
-Scott and Jacques finally start with a heel handshake offer. Scott gives him an FU motion and a big overhead belly-to-belly without leaving his feet. I love that man.
-Rick hits Yokozuna three times and eventually knocks him to the flood, but the champ gets up quickly. Not like SummerSlam.
-Borga throws Rick to the floor and he hits a cameraman. He seems legit hurt, but still nails a top rope clothesline. He goes back up top and RICK STEINER is the 1st person eliminated at 5:04 when Borga catches him (kind of) with a powerslam. That looked like shit, but Rick seems to be in pain. Maybe an audible?
-Scott presses Jacques into Crush’s arms and the Quebecer responds with a kiddie taunt. Those two have been the MVPs of this match so far, particularly Scott with a Tiger Bomb on Crush as Randy Savage is back in the building.
-Right on cue, Macho Man runs out with officials and Bart Gunn holding him back. Crush dangerously presses Scott over the top rope towards Randy and he gets sent to the back.
-Lex looks so goofy cheering on the apron, somehow goofier than Taker stoically just standing there.
-Savage is back out and Billy Gunn is now holding him back. He holds him too well and Crush runs over to get a cheap shot in after getting dropkicked to the floor. In just four seconds, he proves to be Billy Bitchcakes. CRUSH is the 2nd person eliminated at 11:26 by countout as the rivals brawl to the backstage area to good heat.
-Scott is still beat up and Jacques hits a weird piledriver. Another press slam allows for the babyface tag and Luger finally enters in a moment that should be hotter. He hits one shitty slam and JACQUES is the 3rd person eliminated at 14:04 with a diving elbow drop from the second rope. Ludvig enters and Scott insists on coming back in? Luger lets him and continues to be the worst. Borga taunts him even!
-Bobby asks if Savage is Batman considering how many times he’s been able to get back into the building. The Finnish madman hits some great clotheslines and has a unique energy about him. He called the wrestler of the 90s by Brain and you can’t win them all.
-The remaining Steiner hits an impressive suplex, but Yoko breaks up the pin and stays in despite no tag. SCOTT STEINER is the 4th person eliminated at 16:57 after missing a Frankensteiner and getting hit with a Yokozuna legdrop.
-Lex and Yoko faceoof to weak “USA” chants. They slap each other back and forth. How is this still the Mania plan?!?!
-Borga waves the Japanese flags as Yoko misses a running splash. Bobby is great at putting over his girth while being agile. Lex’s overselling noises makes me look up from my notes. God, he sucks in this role. LVP and he’s in danger of repeating.
-Over 21 minutes in and Undertaker FINALLY gets the hot tag. It’s the right choice because he destroys Yokozuna with a running DDT right away and blows the roof off the place.
-The Dead Man gets caught in a big belly-to-belly, but sits up. He eats a clothesline, but sits up. The leg drop keeps him down and Bobby says he IS a weasel if he gets up. The Banzai Drop is hit and the move is put over huge. Yoko goes for another one, but Taker sits up in the nick of time. Heenan is incredulous.
-Both men brawl on the floor and a shot to the steel steps is no sold. Yoko is fucking wonderfully terrified.
-YOKOZUNA and THE UNDERTAKER are the 5th and 6th men eliminated at 23:25 by countout. Bearer peels Taker off his opponent as it’s down to one-on-one.
-Borga is trying to literally and figuratively carry Luger with slams and suplexes.
-A double clothesline double down allows Cornette and Polo to provide a distraction and Fuji hands Ludvig the rice bucket. He hits Lex on the mat and waits until the count of nine to attempt a pin, but Lex is already kicking out at one.
-Ludvig takes a bad, jumping bump on a punch and Lex hits a bad DDT. He can barely whip the man! Goddamn, this is going to be close.
-That leapfrog had the grace of a Leapfrog tablet. On the comeback, LUDVIG BORGA is the 7th person eliminated by a Lex Luger running forearm.
WINNER: Lex Luger survives at 27:58
FINAL WORD: That wasn’t nearly as epic or good as it thought that it was.
-Vince goes into hard sell mood, talking about how proud America is while snow/”the worst case of dandruff” Bobby has ever seen comes down. Santa Claus runs out. Yo, can I get a Talkboy? (You didn’t think that Leapfrog was the end of the reference challenge, did you?) They are doing this shit again? Vince makes Santa so lame, but Lex does as well with that shitty high five. The commentators sign off and Bobby’s last words are “God darn it!”
THE LAST IMAGE: Lex Luger and Santa Claus
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: I’m glad Bobby Heenan goes out on top in the WWF. This is his last hurrah before he is permanently drunk and mostly disinterested in WCW. He pads his all-time MVP lead with this epic performance.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Lex Luger should probably win this because his in-ring performance was somehow worse here than SummerSlam, but I just remembered Bruce Hart wearing sunglasses indoors, selling nothing and hogging spots. That’s the direction I have to go in.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Razor Ramon’s Team vs IRS’ Team
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: The Doink Team vs Bam Bam Bigelow’s Team
FINAL THOUGHTS: That was the worst Survivor Series thus far. All of the replacements hurt the overall narrative, all of the matches were too long and the crowd’s enthusiasm waned. The show was tight on paper, but a failing top star, cartoony shit and talented people being handcuffed ultimately lead to a weak show. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: Sometime that “Card Subject to Change” thing leads to good stuff, too. Case in point: Ric Flair’s career being on the line in the main event of the 10 year anniversary of Starrcade.