Today is an unprecedented entry in this project’s history.
I’ve referenced old Podswoggle.com articles in the past, but WCW BattleBowl 1993 is a special case. My second article in that sorely missed website’s history was my earlier conception of the retro diary: a timestamped breakdown of the PPV. It was always one of my favorite pieces and I’ve reached that point in the timeline. I’ve watched the show again, but I will be cross-referencing the previous version with new comments from this viewing.
Anything new will be italicized. I do not believe there was anything too controversial or poorly aged, but I’ll still be removing some original content as well just for brevity and conciseness. I hope you enjoy this multi-layered trip down memory lane.
I have no shame in admitting that I am a huge fan of ESPN’s Bill Simmons. When I discovered him in the fall of 2007, I loved his work and have followed his columns, podcast and new website, Grantland.com, closely. This is officially dated. I also have no shame in admitting that this very website takes a great deal of influence from Grantland. You see, I’ve been a writer since I was a little kid and I graduated from the University of Florida with a journalism degree. My writing style since high school has been eerily similar to Simmons and I never strayed away from it since finding him because it is how I’ve been writing as far back as I can remember.
Therefore, as an homage and because it’s a brilliant concept, I will be doing the first of hopefully several retro diaries on old school pay-per-views. For those of you that have never read one of these retro diaries, it essentially breaks down an event into a time-based diary and comments on the good, the bad and the ugly that takes place.
Our subject today? WCW Battlebowl 1993. Held in November of that year, this PPV takes the concept of the Lethal Lottery and turns it into its own three hour show. Teams are drawn at random and forced to compete for a chance to advance to Battlebowl, a “prestigious” battle royal where the winner is awarded…well, that’s a good question. I can’t remember right now. I will have to wait and see.
For some reason, I still have this on VHS. Let’s find out why. Cue up the VCR and get ready for a lot of tracking. IT’S BATTLEBOWL TIME!!! I’ll make sure to point out the discrepancies between the VHS version and the Peacock version.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 66- WCW BATTLEBOWL 1993
Written on 5/27/21
0:30/THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: A bunch of short promos highlighted by Jerry Sags not being able to say the word “Battlebowl,” making him the early MVP but it sets the stage better than anything done in the previous 2 versions. Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura in a spikey ass jacket welcome us to Pensacola, FL and we see the heel and face locker rooms for the first time. It’s like the gifted class and detention. Rip Rogers and the Shockmaster are right in the front, so you know what kind of show this is going to be. Tony points out Grea Muta isn’t here to defend his title and now I’m sad.
2:03- They throw it over to Mean Gene and his assistant, Fifi. This is his WCW PPV debut and boy is it a doozy. It’s been less than 3 minutes and he’s already fake copped a feel. The drum they are using looks like something they bought at a flea market for 5 dollars and it just so happened to have 40 dirty napkins in it. Slap some names on those puppies and let’s make us some tag teams!
2:57- Second fake grope followed by the name of Cactus Jack who quickly bolts out of the face locker room, probably because he was standing next to Erik Watts. This was done just so Gene could learn everyone’s name. The next name pulled is…WCW Champ Vader, who reacts to teaming with his arch-nemesis by pushing down Rip Rogers and throwing a chair. Harley Race screams “You gotta get along” Another MVP for the big man as Booker T smiles and thinks of the fun times he will have winning Worst Wrestling Announcer in 2011.
3:54- First opponent announced is Kole from Harlem Heat, who reacts 15 seconds too late. Kole is Stevie Ray for those of you that don’t remember. The wrong guy comes out if I figured out the names the right way. Kole’s partner is announced as “Native American superstar Charlie Norris,” which Booker T and the audience react the same way to: throwing their hands up and saying “OOHHHH, come on, MAN!”
4:47- Cactus and Vader are already beating each other up. Kole helps Vader. Vader punches his own manager. HOLY SHIT! Charlie Norris is thrown off the ramp. WCW 1993! It was really cool until it gets too chaotic aka the bad people show up.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Cactus Jack and Big Van Vader w/Harley Race vs Kane and Charlie Norris
Race insists Vader needs to work with Jack to go to Battlebowl. Like why the fuck does he care? Why does anyone care? Vader and Jack keep brawling on the floor and Race implores them to stop as Kane tries to brawl.
5:48- Schiavone realizes that it’s Kane, not Kole, who came out. So, Stevie Ray is Kane and Booker T is Kole. That makes more sense as Stevie Ray is more likely to be the brother kept in a basement for 15 years and scarred from a fire. But, as Schiavone says, “It really doesn’t matter.” That’s the Tony Schiavone I remember and hate.
7:40- God, I miss stiff ass Vader. He was so awesome; he is getting cheered already being tagged in by Jack finally because everyone hates bootleg Tatanka. Vader Bomb from the second but points at Cactus for…
8:37- Cool spot with Vader holding Norris on the floor for Cactus to do his running flip. And think, Vader caused Cactus to lose his memory, get lost in Cleveland and then…oh that’s right. We all lost our memories from that garbage.
9:15- Oh man, Norris is fucking gassed. He couldn’t even finish an Irish whip leading to an LVP case. Jesse on commentary is great because one minute he points out a sloppy belly-to-back, the next he calls Charlie Norris a “Native Indian” without batting an eye.
10:00- 20 minute time limits. Hold your breath on this one because Kane and Charlie Norris are completing about 40 percent of their spots right now. The crowd wants more Vader as Jack takes the shitty heat. This heat is worse than Johnny Stamboli vs Val Venis on Heat (let’s go for a secondary WWF show reference challenge).
12:15- Double arm DDT on Kane if Kane had one arm. He’s lucky Norris is definitely worse than him or I may consider him. Meanwhile, Charlie Norris can’t get a reaction even if he shot alfredo sauce out of his ass. Trust me, it would get over. Double hot tag that Vader snuffs out incredibly quickly with body splash, regular splash and…
13:00- Norris overextends on the powerbomb, makes Vader fall and trip on the ropes. Kane runs to break it up but really just to find Jack to brawl and not break up the pin. That’s like the third straight fucking month he’s done that,
WINNERS: Big Van Vader and Cactus Jack in 7:35 when Vader pins Charlie Norris with a powerbomb.
Norris gets up in 5 seconds from a move that once BROKE A FUCKING GUY’S BACK. No wonder we never heard from him again. Peacock has the god awful Vader theme dub on this version again for some reason.
FINAL WORD: The dynamic of Vader and Jack was fun, but the lack of being dynamic for Kane and Norris was dreadful.
14:57- The commentators talk predictions and Vader being a favorite now. Jesse claims to feels good and he seems better here. Back to Gene and Fifi and…WHAT ARE THEY DOING? Uh-oh, Mrs. Okerlund’s gonna want to know why their backs were turned!!!
15:05- Gene’s just talking to himself already like a senile, old perv. A direct quote: “I’m sorry, are we on the air. Apparently, we are. I’m just having a great time. Fifi…yes, I believe that.” She didn’t even say anything! She speaks in a bad French accent and Gene says she looks good enough to eat which get the dirtiest pop ever.
15:32- Paul Roma is the next name as Gene calls him “one of the worst…whoops, one of the Four Horsemen.” No joke, as the heels mumble over Roma, someone in the heel locker room screams “Goddamn guinea!” They didn’t edit that out?!?! I finally figured out who it was and it was Jerry Sags. That strangely helps his MVP case? Bill Watts’ influence continues with that racial slur and the selection of Erik Watts as Roma’s partner. Johnny B. Badd is next as the heels start to play Chinese checkers. His partner is Brian Knobbs who finds out 15 seconds later than it was announced. If the heel locker room is on a delay, maybe we could’ve taken care of that “guinea” line. Knobbs and Sags whine like Linda Richman and continue their streak of being completely unintelligible and hilarious. Gene tried to insinuate that an envelope had a low cut top. I love him but LVP.
16:49- Badd Motherfucking Blaster! How lucky was Sable?
17:36- Our first full sentence from a Nasty Boy about carrying Mr. Badd on his back. Speaking of on your back, Missy Hyatt is here. It’s crazy I mentioned Sable, but didn’t mention that she is dressed exactly like her here in a match involving Mero. Jesse keeps asking about what Gene is doing and whatever it is would be allowed because they are on PPV. I was going to consider him for MVP, but now I don’t know.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Paul Roma and Erik Watts vs Johnny B Badd and Jerry Sags w/Missy Hyatt
18:29- Badd’s attire looks like the table trimming for a middle school graduation party. I’m shocked Arn Anderson is brought up by Tony considering what just transpired overseas.
19:57- Solid chain wrestling from Roma and Badd including a back and forth hip toss attempt spot. The good work continues and I’m stunned. That is the last compliment Paul Roma has received since he made pecan pie for everyone at his office in 2005. Arn’s absence is explained by a beat down that Roma was late to help with. Interesting.
21:13- I have to admit; Knobbs was a decent worker. There’s a joke in that somewhere. Jesse can’t stop talking about Gene ogling Fifi. It’s moved on to Missy, which can be said about most diseases. Now Jesse is talking about Gene groping Missy potentially, but how she may like it. Watts tags in to no reaction, but gives a great knee lift and a dropkick that actually made it to the face. Knobbs joins his partner as an MVP by working his ass off before tagging out.
23:37- The faces shake hands and it’s discussed how Watts helped Badd and Maxx Payne patch things up and it’s led to Payne using Cactus Jack as a spiritual advisor. Ok? Tony promotes the 1-900 number in an odd segue and encourages us to vote for manager of the year. Tony says he voted for Teddy Long nine times. It seems ironic, but comes off as moronic. Who did he manage back then?!?! Was it still Rodney Mack? Man, some of these jokes are really good, but make no sense because I know the answers now.
25:19- Knobbs is yelling a lot. Nothing makes a match tolerable like Knobbs yelling a lot. He rakes Watts’ eyes and tags Badd, but won’t capitalize and literally asks if he’s okay. The crowd is tepid before starting to chant what sounds like “Wild’n” like Nick Cannon is in the room. Arn is teaming with Roma next weekend? That match must have been in the can already because there’s no way he’s recovered from all those stabbings already.
28:50- Jesse says he learned cleavage can distract the ref and Tony devastates his future by telling him he doesn’t have any. Tony then makes a comment supporting the heel mindset and it makes Jesse think he’s rubbing off on him. I need to isolate and exploit that clip Oh, the winner gets a gold ring. No title shot guarantee, though, as Tony says he “could probably go after any title he wants.” That’s reassuring. Jesse makes it sound better thankfully.
30:25- Watts fails to get crowd clapping for Roma. The most lukewarm tag ever to Erik Watts, who can’t count as he stops the turnbuckle head-ram spot at 7. His offense is looking a lot better begrudgingly. Seconds later, a Knobbs counter leads to one hell of a handful of Watts cock.
WINNERS: Brian Knobbs and Johnny B. Badd in 12:56 when Knobbs pins Erik Watts with a roll up holding the tights.
The replay really shows how much of a handjob Knobbs gave.
FINAL WORD: I guess longer is supposed to be better? There weren’t blown spots, so that has to count for something!
31:56- Cut to Gene and Fifi, whose backs are turned again. I just heard the phrase “don’t blow on it” as Tony tries to get his attention and Jesse calls him a “lecherous old fool.” Gene tells Fifi he will “give her the business all right.” Welcome to Innuendo City! Eventually, they remember to draw some names and it’s THE SHOCKMASTER. No babyface heat at all. Paul Orndorff is his partner and gets a slap happy departure from the baddie locker room. They are showing better camaraderie than the faces!
33:40- One of the worst moments in wrestling history happens here. Gene tells Fifi “we get any closer, we are going to have to check in someplace.” There is a small, cheap pop. In the same breath, in the most nonchalant tone ever, Gene says “next is the name of Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat,” he turns, looks DIRECTLY at Fifi’s chest and starts to talk like Humphrey Bogart with a “look here, sweetheart.” It’s Ricky “The Fucking Dragon” Fucking Steamboat!!! Dragon’s partner is Lord Steven Regal. There is confusion in the heel locker while Hawk is spitting sunflower seeds or dipping in the face locker room. The audio tries to play a theme, but ends up failing. Gene mentions getting ready for World War 3. Give it a few more Novembers.
34:17- Shockmaster leads the crowd in chanting “Paula” towards his aggravated partner. More great facials from Regal about this whole situation.
35:21- Schiavone explains how the TV Championship went from Orndorff to Steamboat and is currently with Regal. Jesse adds that Shockmaster fell through a wall. Tony says that the only thing that’s beat him so far. Again, not a joke while seeming like a joke.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- The Shockmaster and Paul Orndorff vs Ricky Steamboat and Lord Steven Regal w/Sir William
37:22- Lots of partner confusion and “Paula” chant stalling before Steamboat and Orndorff tear it up! We get a close up of the Shockmaster, who is sweating profusely and hasn’t tagged in yet. Jesse claims Tony is Republican by remembering everything and Tony seems to take offense, but it’s an elephant joke. Paul and Ricky are picking up right where they left off last month with great intensity and a brawl on floor.
40:07- Double down after a good sequence leads to a double tag and it is Shock vs Regal now. Sweet shot of the front row and some mentally handicapped kids sitting there, excited and dressed like they are going to the prom. Regal’s manager, Sir William, proceeds to yell at them “Shut up, you idiots!” WCW 1993!
44:47- The action noticeably slows down with Regal in the ring. I probably should have blamed Shockmaster for that. Shock taps Regal on the head and he freaks because Shock is gross. He tags back out and bickers with Paul before starting another chant. The heels shake hands and Steamboat complains like he watched his wife get fucked in front of him. Heels chain wrestling isn’t too exciting, but a few vocal people clap their second handshake.
Tony doesn’t mind criticizing Jesse for messing up a word like antagonize and Jesse thought he was talking about the word “goof.” They really do have solid, easy chemistry I’m starting to notice all the dirty moustaches in the crowd. Regal does a cartwheel in the middle of the ring and I snap out of it.
47:56- William implores Dragon to tag out as Paul beats him down. It’s face vs face now and Shockmaster misses his first elbow attempt and Jesse hilariously calls it out.
Regal short arms Steamboat on a tag and Shockmaster forces the tag. Orndorff elbows Shockmaster, Steamboat steals William’s umbrella, hits Regal, chases William, Shockmaster takes advantage. Follow that?
WINNERS: The Shockmaster and Paul Orndorff in 12:25 when Shockmaster pins Lord Steven Regal with a big splash.
FINAL WORD: Let’s just squash our TV Champ with a comedy character, huh? All you need to know: we get more Shockmaster and less Steamboat.
50:26- After way too much replay from the end of the match, Tony puts over his experience at the first ever wrestling show, the inaugural Starrcade. Those were the days. Jesse puts over Tony’s wrestling brain and seems legit until he taps him on the head childishly. We cut to the most depressing press conference ever. No tables, no chairs, everyone just standing around and the camera is set up in an over the shoulder shot of some random guy watching Gene talk. Gene stands with Harley Race and Vader in a rather unfortunate suit. Gene says locations all over the world have bid on having Starrcade, including Japan, New Zealand, Australia, UK, South Africa, Brazil, Canada, Mexico City, New York, Chicago, LA, Houston and…DES MOINES, IOWA. Crushing the hopes of a young Slipknot, Charlotte is chosen. The only group of people in the room celebrates. Gene puts over the Hornets and their new NFL team, the Panthers. I finally feel old. Vader looks rightfully bored before he gets the attention and turns it on like a beast.
53:00- Ric Flair busts in with a contract to challenge Vader for the title. This video must have been shown live because you can hear the crowd react to this footage Vader says it’s not good enough. He calls him “boy” and talks about winning 10 titles in 4 continents. Race notices a clause and gets excited. Flair puts his career on line. Vader puts over breaking Sting’s wrist, Ron Simmons’ shoulder, Joe Thurman’s back, ending Nikita Koloff’s career, erasing Cactus Jack’s memory and driving Sid to an office supply store. It’s an awesome promo that puts Vader over as a monster reinforcing his MVP status again despite his random southern accent at times. Vader just grunts, laughs and keeps saying “Vader Time” to end it.
55:35- Mean Gene has handcuffs. No bullshit. They turn around as these bits start to die a slow death with the crowd. I was going to compliment Gene’s work in the press conference but this is something that can’t be ignored as LVP worthy. First name drawn is… Awesome Kong?!?!?! It’s not her, but he makes Shockmaster look like Marko Stunt. His partner is the Equalizer. Rip Rogers slaps him on the back. Next team has…King Kong?!?! Yeesh. He yells for Harley. Might’ve been Barley, I’m not sure. The heel locker room looks cleared out from a sick fart. Dustin Rhodes is the final man and alarm clock for the crowd.
57:26- Jesus, these are some big, dirty dudes. The Kongs look like the Revolting Blob from Billy Madison was born in a truck stop. They also look like they can barely move. The Equalizer looks like Barry Windham’s stupid brother. Let’s call him Yrrab Windham.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Awesome Kong and The Equalizer vs King Kong and Dustin Rhodes
The commentators talk about the Flair situation instead of this very slow and plodding start because of The Equalizer is finally living up to his LVP potential.
58:52- If I see any furrier, brown skin boots, I’m going to kill myself. 75 percent of the participants have them. In other news, the Equalizer sucks something fierce.
1:00:00- Awesome Kong makes Equalizer look like a one-man Ricochet and Will Ospreay match. My god what an LVP. The Kongs are so fat (pause for you to ask how fat they are)…they are just really fat. They tease fighting one another only to tag out and disappoint no one really. The Kongs are the Klitschkos of WCW 1993. I just received Batman: The Complete Animated Series on DVD and I’m watching this instead.
King legit struggles to get in through the ropes and I’m shocked he eventually bumps well enough on an Equalizer clothesline. Then, they hold heads and talk about what they are going to do before settling on a crappy headbutt as Tony talks about them not moving around much. Fucking yikes.
1:03:53- After some truly deplorable action- honestly too many moments for me to call even years later- Dustin mercifully gets the tag and cannot get the crowd back despite an impressive sunset flip. All four get in and we get a Kong sandwich that leads to the Kongs accidently bumping heads and a mercy ending.
WINNERS: Dustin Rhodes and King Kong in 5:56 when Dustin pins Awesome Kong with a bulldog.
FINAL WORD: Who the fuck did Dustin piss off to draw this assignment? That was so fucking bad that I thought I was watching WCW 1991 instead.
1:04:47- Back to Scheme Gene who was “looking at something that reminded him of melons.” The crowd is either openly booing this or the heels leaving the last match. This is like watching Chris Kattan telling the same jokes as Mango for one hour. Gene puts over the action…and what’s going on in the ring is good, too. ZING! He had me there for a second. Sting is the first name pulled and the crowd puts their arsenic away. His partner is Sags, who has to move around Rip Rogers as he comes back from bathroom. He screams “watch my back!” Their opponents: Ron Simmons and from the Cole Brothers, Keith Cole. Wow…I have no words. Fucking plebs.
1:06:59- Jesse has a great line as Missy and Sags comes out: “You know, it’s hard to tell which one is Sags.” I have given him a lot of crap, but I like that line. Tony ruins it with a classic improv denial. Simmons is in Velocity colors and Keith looks like someone Frankie Kazarian beat in his undefeated streak on that show (one to go). Keith Cole comes out with the worst haircut ever. It looks like Sting’s but on the cheapest crack you can find. I can’t forget to mention the putrid orange tights.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Sting and Jerry Sags w/Missy Hyatt vs Ron Simmons and Keith Cole
1:08:00- Sting rocking the black and white face paint. Foreshadowing! 2 full minutes of yelling/beefing/tags without action.
1:09:26- Simmons throws a baller dropkick as Jesse tells some stupid story about Simmons betraying FSU and talking to Lou Holtz and Notre Dame. I know it’s bogus because no one understands what Lou Holtz is talking about.
1:10:51- There is a close-up of some members of the crowd is chanting “Missy.” Probably because Cole is a bore. They are ALL wearing denim jackets. It is so obvious the signs were planted in the crowd. One reads “America’s best: WCW.” Who makes that sign?
1:12:50- Great bit where Sags teases tagging Sting to boos as the crowd chants for their hero, but doesn’t repeatedly and finally gets caught in an armbar from Cole and immediately begins crying for Sting. He has definitely set himself apart from Knobbs in the MVP hunt. Tag finally happens and we get Sting vs. Simmons. Nice!
1:14:02- “Whoomp, There It Is” chant?!?! Who is that for? Are Men on a Mission in da house? At this point, that song is a pop culture phenomenon on the level of fucking Star Wars considering how much I’ve heard it lately. Sting and Ron have a decent, but sloppy, skirmish highlighted by Sting hitting the ropes and hitting the ref in his head with his butt.
1:15:18- Cole and Sting actually stop to admire each other’s hair. It gets no reaction except an angry “HEY” from Sags that makes me chuckle. I now notice Cole has the word “twins” on his butt cheek. You know, just in case you didn’t know when they were tagging that there are two of them next to one another.
1:16:38- The Nasty Boys are really showing me something. They had great charisma, they were better workers than given credit for and the crowd hated them. After some mutual yelling, Sting owns Simmons, who gets riled up, takes a cheap shot and delivers a powerslam like only he can.
1:18:46- Simmons starts to get angry with Cole’s lack of aggression. Sting is more popular than everyone on this show combined so far. This brings about the first Ice Train reference of the evening. I’m not explaining. Don’t put that evil on me. Besides, I’m having to follow Jesse’s insistence on the Notre Dame stuff and Leprechaun jokes.
1:20:00-Here is one of the problems with this concept: Simmons tags Cole back in and tells him to get on Sting. He goes back to the wristlock and expresses hesitation. Why would faces and heels hold back against one another when it’s still a normal match? Cole royally screws up and it leads to Sting destroying him for a minute before a blind tag and still a clean win for the heel.
WINNERS: Jerry Sags and Sting in 13:13 when Sags pins Keith Cole with a top rope elbow
FINAL WORD: It was the best match so far, but that’s not saying much just because there was a popular person involved.
1:21:28- Simmons brow beats Cole, gives him a classic spinebuster and walks off. Simmons was a beast. It gets cheered because it should. Cole is a cuck. They turned Ron heel because of the fucking Cole Twins?!? Jesse complains about Tony recapping everything and wants him to do the replay but does it anyway.
1:22:52- Tony asks Jesse if he’s ready to go to Mean Gene and Jesse responds with “do we have to?" Hear hear. Jesse then calls Gene a groper. Hey, that’s my line! He knew I was going to write that. Put that on your stupid conspiracy show, Body. Gene and Fifi are dancing now. Breathe…He does the same shitty surprised reaction when the camera is on him. What’s stopping Ric flair from coming out and kicking his ass?
1:23:29- Stunning Steve Austin and Ric Flair! This should be good. Maxx Payne and 2 Cold Scorpio are their opponents. Gene calls Fifi adorable. Where are the wrestlers going after they have had their matches? The locker rooms look more deserted than a WCW show in 2000. Flair comes out in full robe and gets a pop equal to Sting.
1:25:15- Payne says something about a stretcher. Maybe he foresaw his career on one as WWF’s Man Mountain Rock. Scorpio looks like he’s about to be replaced by the Patriot any day with all the USA crap he’s wearing.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Steve Austin and Ric Flair w/Col. Robert Parker vs Maxx Payne and Too Cold Scorpio
1:27:31- Parker with Austin is random to me. So is Flair WOOing at Steve as he starts with Maxx. The Flair and Austin dynamic is so interesting. Just their looks and mannerisms towards one another are awesome. Steve tries a tag after getting pushed down and Ric does the hair psyche out. He tells Steve to show him something and it’s probably a shoot considering his future booking. It sure is weird seeing Austin with hair and athleticism.
1:29:02- Scorpio was so smooth and awesome. One of most underrated ever. I’ve been saying this for weeks now.
1:29:10- As soon as I finish typing that, he botches an arm drag. We have seen that as well. It was a complicated reversal attempt that Austin didn’t necessarily understand. Those two together is riveting just as is Ric vs Scorpio now. It’s too fast paced and Jesse can’t keep up with it.
1:31:13- I’m calling this the penis match. Scorpio and Austin’s manager, Col. Robert Parker, apparently have giant ones, according to one of Foley’s books. Flair has shown his on every major airline in the world. Maxx Payne recorded salacious activities during his time in WWE and Austin…oh, I don’t know. Something about Debra. That will work. Flair is just so cool with his body language and taunting. MVP work so far. It’s the best he’s looked since being back. He gets caught off top by Maxx and thrown off. I believe that puts him back at 50 percent all time.
1:32:38- Ric Flair chop…music to your ears… unless you are Bret Hart and think they are stupid. Guess what, Hitman? Lonesome Dove was stupid. He lit Scorpio UP as Jesse complains about Parker not being up for the manager award. To be honest, he sucks and would be an LVP candidate if there weren’t so many so far just from being the white Slick in terms of effectiveness.
1:34:12- Goddamn, Austin could work his ass off. He flails amazingly on a sunset flip, gets nailed with a Scorpio superkick and crotches him on the top to take advantage. The crowd is into him on after a superplex as Maxx is another babyface that doesn’t understand the crowd dynamic and tries to get them to cheer when everyone just cares about Flair’s team.
1:35:40- Camera work is great, as is Flair and Austin working as a team. A slap fest breaks out when Austin tries to cheat. Geez, they could’ve made so much money together. Great minds just get how to make the most of this concept just like Cactus and Vader.
1:37:47- Payne’s pants look like the pajamas Winona Ryder wore in Beetlejuice. Colonel yells that he heard Scorpio give up in a chinlock and he really bothers me and I can’t help it. Here’s your LVP I said you couldn’t manage to get.
1:39:55- Some solid action leads to a double tag to Payne and Ric, Payne no sells a little and dominates Flair until Payne missing a knee in the corner. How rare is it that Flair actually wins with his signature move?
WINNERS: Ric Flair and Steve Austin in 14:33 when Flair makes Maxx Payne submit in the Figure Four
Austin tries to sneak attack Flair after the match, but falls off of the top rope and gets caught. He just gets it.
FINAL WORD: Really good match. Go figure what two of the absolute GOATs can do together in their primes.
1:41:25- After the replay and apparently a chase off camera, we go back to Gene, who is tongue punching Fifi’s fart box. I just had to check to make sure you were paying attention. What Gene really does is get down to tie his shoe and tries to look up Fifi’s dress. He then says something about a bad wing tip and etchings in his hotel room. LVP LVP LVP! Where are the Marx Brothers to explain these jokes to me? That being said, Fifi still seems like a whore for not murdering Gene yet.
1:42:28- Rick Rude is called and he is the first person to address the camera in locker room. The Nasty Boys cheering for everyone is very funny and endearing. Shanghai “Henry Godwinn” Pierce is his partner. Their opponents: Marcus Alexander Bagwell and his stupid headband and Tex “Phineas Godwinn” Slazenger, who beats up a locker in frustration and tells whoever is picking those names that they are in trouble. Cut him a break, Tex. Gene is going to be in enough trouble as it is when he gets home.
1:45:00- Rude’s tights are classic: pictures of babyfaces all over his ass with the words “I Beat Em” underneath. He also tells Shanghai he’s his partner and Tex ain’t shit. He always gets a naughty word snuck in.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Rick Rude and Shanghai Pierce vs Marcus Alexander Bagwell and Tex Slazenger
1:46:52- Ice Train, Kent Cole and Bobby Eaton are mentioned still waiting to get their names called in the back while we get our typical Rude stalling/silence for the first couple minutes. Jesse and Tony put over Rude as the World Champion. I forgot about that old, awkward NWA dilemma that ended a second “world title.” Before the brand extension, WCW was already screwing up ideas.
1:47:57- Tex and Pierce are called the Texicans. That makes the least amount of sense of anything I’ve ever heard. Again, glad I was ahead of this. Rude calls Tex a “son of a bitch”in a wristlock. He owes the swear jar! The partners tag in against each other, but won’t fight and Rude has to tag back in and yells “BULLSHIT!” Thank God Steve Corino isn’t calling this match or he’d be crying with laughter.
1:49:31- I’m starting to get arm dragged and hip tossed out. Bagwell apparently tied a red, white and blue rope around his boots to remember where they were: on his feet. I can hear specific conversations in the crowd as Bagwell keeps working on Shanghai’s arm and Rude yells “get your ass in there” on a powder. Rude may be an MVP just because he doesn’t give a fuck. Some spittle is coming down his chin now.
1:52:09- The match is so exciting that Tony and Jesse ask each other what they are doing for Thanksgiving. Jesse makes fun of Tony for going to church on Thanksgiving. What else is there to do? Tell your kids the story of the pilgrims and Native Indians, Jesse? Rude pulls the rope down on Marcus and he takes an odd tumble to finally have something interesting happen. Jesse makes a comment about getting indicted over the holiday and that might be a slight to Vince’s pending trial? I have to look up the timeline.
1:53:58- Great delayed front suplex by Rude followed by a big pose and front gutbuster. Add Rude to that underrated list and MVP.
1:57:58- More abuse to pretty boy Bagwell before an inevitable bearhug. Pierce gets a good line about squeezing the prettiness out of this boy in another rest hold. THE WCW LOGO JUST POPPED ON THE BOTTOM CORNER OF THE SCREEN. Two hours in…maybe Russo does get a bad rap. This still makes me laugh my ass off. It’s so arbitrary. Why did it take so long?
1:58:03- Bagwell gets a hope spot, but eats a big, bad ass gutwrench powerbomb from Pierce that Tex broke up to finally elicit a response from the crowd. Tex gets tagged in and they finally get to slugging it out as the crowd pops great for the battling partners. Good for these two! Come on, Wladimir and Vitali. Do it already! That definitely makes this analysis stale. Rude blind tags in and Pierce’s sunset flip attempt is enough of a distraction.
WINNERS: Rick Rude and Shanghai Pierce in 14:50 when Rude pins Tex Slazenger with a Rude Awakening
FINAL WORD: Way too fucking long. This felt like a Samurai movie at times.
The heels beat up Bagwell after the match and shake hands/hug to boos.
2:01:49- The commentators keep talking about favorites and have run out of steam. Mean Fucking Gene! Where is Fifi? Is she on her knees? What’s the smug look for? You dog! 2 hours of worthless sex-laden comedy ends with a good old fashioned blowj…tangled cord. At least give us a payoff at this point. 10 guys left with like 55 cards in the drum. The first name is Hawk. He is back after being advertised for Fall Brawl and not being there and they had to bring in Animal. His partner is RIP ROGERS?!?! Gene says it as incredulously as I typed it. He stands up, yells, makes a hilarious face and says “I got Hawk as my partner!!!” The heels don’t even like him. Never heard of him, but man, that was great. MVP for all of what’s about to come. Davey Boy Smith’s name is pulled and he emerges from whatever corner he was in all night. His partner: The Artist Soon to Be Known as Booker T. He stands up and follows with this gem: “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Pain is the name of the game.” You have to love him. This whole bit is so good/ridiculous.
2:03:16- Rip is annoying Hawk on ramp, excitedly. Hawk decks him and Rip goes down like Terri Runnels at a Death Row Records release party. The moment is much better than my old joke here. Bulldog comes out, lightly kicks him and keeps moving. Here comes Kole, who asks him if he is ok, hardly steps on his chest and walks on, not before another “ahhhhhhhhhhh!” Rip sells like he’s dead from a punch, a brush off and a stomp. Awesome. Rip is here because of Sid, right?
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Hawk and Rip Rogers vs Davey Boy Smith and Kole
2:05:05- Literal translation of opening minutes from Bulldog and Hawk: lock up, break, lock up, break, lock up, corner, break, lock up, corner, break, test of strength, break, tag to Kole. Wrestling in 1993!!! A full three-way conversation was occurring at some point there.
2:07:20- Before we counted Booker T going “OOOOHHHHHHHHH” on commentary, we should’ve counted Booker T “AHHHHHHHHHHHs.” Bulldog is openly rooting for Hawk for some stupid reason. Hawk snarls at Kole and Rip is trying to get up on the ramp still.
2:08:30- Spinarooni! He was much better at it when he couldn’t wrestle worth a lick. He also did it to get back up from a Hawk bodyslam. Rip crawls to the apron only to get nailed by Book again.
2:09:33- I think Bulldog single handedly killed this concept. He’s yelled to help Hawk kick out. Now, he’s leading the crowd in a chant of “LOD.” I thought he was just on the juice back then, not smack. Jesse rips it apart and even Tony says he doesn’t understand it. Rip is standing again! He’s back down. The crowd is starting to like him/root for him.
2:12:31- Bulldog is eying Rude’s title and I’m pretty sure he’ll be released before he can actually go for it. Hawk gets the upper hand with some shitty clotheslines, grabs Rip Rogers, gorilla presses him onto Booker T and gets a big pop as Tony laughs and Davey is already exiting.
WINNERS: Rip Rogers and Hawk in 7:56 when Rogers pins Kole with a gorilla press slam by Hawk and a body press.
FINAL WORD: Absolutely mind-boggling execution all around, but Rip Rogers makes me giggle.
2:14:27- The Battlebowl participants are recapped and Jesse picks the Nasty Boys or Vader. Tony explains that if you go over the top and onto the ramp, you are NOT eliminated. WCW 1993!!!
2:15:21- Gene tells Fifi she’s been a delight and she reciprocates with a little French. Gene drops the mic and grazes her chest. Disgusting. WCW never got sued for this show? This is insane. Gene whispers something to Fifi, who wags his finger at him and finally leaves. It was probably something to the effect of “You know, I do a mean two-step with an oversized turkey.” It was his fucking hotel room number in case you were wondering. He proceeds to hold a discussion with Jesse but the crowd can’t hear what Ventura is saying.
2:16:46- Michael Buffer gets a better reaction than 85 percent of the wrestlers on this show. Let’s see how many mistakes he makes. I won’t be able to tell because THEY DUB OVER BUFFER FOR THE INTROS IN THE MAIN EVENT. Some of the theme and dubbing changes are so random. The Battlebowl theme gets a dub and this guy’s voice instead of Buffer bothers the fuck out of me.
2:19:16- All of the competitors come out in the order of their matches and Rip Rogers gets, arguably, the best response of them all, still selling his beatdown. The dub ruins this moment as his name is said very matter of fact and you can’t hear the crowd’s pop for him. Tony says he hopes Rip goes a long way in this. Screw it, I’m rooting for him, too. Nice side by side faceoff between the heels and faces as Rip struggles forever to get in.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: BATTLEBOWL BATTLE ROYAL
2:21:24- Doing a live diary of a battle royal is a task taller than David Flair’s enchilada bills. Shanghai has already been thrown onto the ramp.
2:22:03- RIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn you, Marc Mero! RIP ROGERS is the 1st man eliminated at 0:43. At least tease it! Does he ever get his Horowitz over Skip moment from Superstars? (The reference challenge is over)
2:22:30- Shanghai dumped by the best author in the ring. SHANGHAI PIERCE is the 2nd man eliminated at 1:10. He’s only 30 seconds better than Rip. Yeah, those first two eliminations made sense. Each elimination is shown again with an inset clip. It’s been a very good show for the camera team and lack of production issues.
2:24:23- This ramp thing is asinine. At least 5 guys have gone over. Flair and Austin brawl on the floor having gone through the ropes. Jack is very fucking loud wth his noises. Mr. Wonderful rids the ring of the eye sore. JOHNNY B BADD is the 3rd man eliminated at 3:19.
2:26:32- Hawk is acting like a real dumbass helping fellow faces out from elimination. Jack tries a superplex on Vader and stalls for quite some time before Vader reverses and throws Jack on the buckle and top rope in what I can only describe as an early Brainbustaahhh! There’s the dumbest thing Mick Foley does on this show. A completely unnecessary close up of Shockmaster telling King Kong he will rip his eyes out. Because of this, we barely see G-G-Goldust get rid of Orndorff and Boy Meets World superstar Vader eliminate Dude Love. PAUL ORNDORFF and CACTUS JACK are the 4th and 5th men eliminated around 5:15. Immediately afterwards, Tugboat throws out King Kong only to be knocked out by those darn Nasty Boys. Whew…KING KONG is the 6th man eliminated at 5:23 and THE SHOCKMASTER is the 7th man eliminated at 5:28. Kong took a couple tries to get over the top.
2:31:02- Vader press slams Sting over the top onto ramp from the other side of the ring. Badass, but not wise. He starts clobbering Flair as well. Flair goes through the ropes just to intimidate Harley Race. Harley could still kick his ass. Why are Harley and Parker allowed out here but there’s no Missy?
2:32:48- The pace has definitely slowed down. Sting has saved Flair from elimination about 4 times now. The theme of this show is “Babyfaces are Stupid.” He’s also bleeding from the back somehow and Parker is yelling like a fucking dolt. Austin and Rhodes battle on the outside and Austin throws Dustin into the pole and he comes up a bloody mess. Is blood really necessary in a battle royal? The kid loves cutting himself. Austin calls Dustin a “little redneck.” Line of the century. INCREDIBLE close up of Sting choking Sags back and Sags making great noises.
2:35:04- A Dustin backdrop means BRIAN KNOBBS is the 8th man eliminated at 13:33. He picks Sags up and Austin comes from behind. JERRY SAGS and DUSTIN RHODES are the 9th and 10th men eliminated at 13:41. On the other side, Hawk ducks and RICK RUDE is the 11th man eliminated at 13:53 but gets caught from behind by the heels. HAWK is the 12th man eliminated at 14:00. It’s down to Ice Dagger, Ethan Suplee’s father, Why So Serious and a man that can’t stay married.
2:36:55- Flair counters Vader in the corner and then suplexes Harley on the ramp and Vader comes out and starts destroying Flair with elbows and splashes on the ramp. The first one was vicious and low. Sting comes to help forgoing a Deathlock on Steve and Austin follows. The crowd is pretty hot and Vader is just beating trainers up and still ruining Flair. Flair is yelling and crying. I edited out a very unfortunate joke from the original here. I almost made it the whole article.
2:39:05- A stretcher comes out and Flair is screaming bloody murder and trying to stay in. The refs announce Flair unable to continue as he is stretchered out. RIC FLAIR is the 13th man eliminated at 17:45. Race is amazing here antagonizing the situation as well. In the midst of it, we see Too Cold Scorpio wearing the worst Zubaz outfit ever. Back in the ring, the heels press slam Sting back in and go for double top rope moves, but Steve eats boot and Sting goes nuts, powerslamming Vader in mid-air and the crowd is rabid. I’ve missed this Sting in the past few months.
2:40:47- Whoomp There It Is…again…was Sting DC the Brain Supreme or something? Did I miss that memo? Jesse calling out the song will never sound right
2:42:17- Sting sits up to avoid a third straight splash for a second rally. Sting in trouble again out of exhaustion and gets a Vader Bomb in the corner. Vader comes up in obvious back pain. It’s all Charlie Norris’ fault. As a monster, he sells so well and really makes it seem serious.
2:44:52- Very awkward moment. Sting throws Austin to the ramp, Austin is mad and rolls to the floor. STEVE AUSTIN is the 14th man eliminated at 23:32. Screw that ramp. Can’t Abyss come out and throw someone through the cheapest looking part of it? That was popular in 2011 as an idea.
2:46:10- Vader can barely jump on splashes anymore before we get the good old “heel down, injured face falls face first into crotch” spot. Sting gets Vader in trouble picking him up in the corner and goes for Stinger Splash. Vader rolls off and Sting crashes to the floor. The crowd immediately dies.
WINNER: Vader at 25:32
FINAL WORD: If anything, Vader is booked like a monster, winning clean. Take notes, every other wrestling company since this moment. It was also the best actual Battlebowl because there weren’t 2 rings and there weren’t a ton of guys already gassed from the evening.
They try to throw it to Mean Gene, but can’t because Vader is behind them, yelling he’s the man. Tony and Jesse say fuck it and Gene signs off not even on camera. No credits on this version.
THE LAST IMAGE: Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: From start to finish, BIG VAN VADER has this company on his back and it should be doing better under his leadership. This show also featured his best character work on top of his usual dominance in ring.
FINAL LVP of PPV: From start to finish, MEAN GENE OKERLUND had an inauspicious start to his WCW run doing bad comedy and distracting from everything.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Battlebowl
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Dustin Rhodes and King Kong vs The Equalizer and Awesome Kong
FINAL THOUGHTS: This was a hoot going back 10 years later and using my thoughts then and now to come up with the same conclusion: Battlebowl doesn’t work. As its own show, it was better than its first iteration, but it wasn’t interspersed with other things like the second iteration. There’s good momentum for the main Starrcade story, but it’s more WCW 1993 with embarrassing acts, distracting shit out of the ring and too much ineptitude. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND.
And that’s all she wrote. That was quite an experience. I’m gonna take a cold shower and look up Fifi to make sure she hasn’t been psychologically ruined after all of these years.
NEXT TIME: Damn it, I had Survivor Series 1993 recorded after this. Todd Pettengill, you ruin everything. Now, he’s interviewing Owen Hart’s wife. I’m out. Nothing good can come out of me continuing to watch or write this. We will tastefully see about that next week.