Let’s talk about trying hard.
I try hard every week to entertain and analyze the history of the wrestling business. The amount of time and effort that is at hand here hopefully comes across. Once that passion and diligence is passed, I won’t be doing this. I understand how to read the room and the situation.
Let’s talk about reading the room and the situation.
It’s important to know what is working and what isn’t. I’m a good judge of character and I also can tell what’s genuine or worth my time.
Let’s talk about being genuine and worth time.
I hate bullshitting people and I hate wasting the precious hours and days I have in this world.
Why do I want to talk about all of these things? Because they are all very pertinent to the story at the crux of today’s show. I think you get it and I hope you follow along with me as I try to see if trying hard, reading the room and being genuine is the problem at hand.
You got your bus ticket?
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 63- WWF SUMMERSLAM 1993
Written on 4/23/2021
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: The Lex Express accompanied by patriotic music. Is he driving the fucking bus? Mean Gene says it pulls into Detroit and the fans greet him. I’m surprised they didn’t mug him. That’s normally a punishment from Dr. Klahn. It’s the first paragraph and we already have our reference challenge: A Fistful of Yen from Kentucky Fried Movie!
Vince McMahon is on commentary growling about the Lex Express over and over again. Overkill much? Bobby Heenan claims Vince is wrong about three titles being on the line and claims the King of the Ring is the fourth up for grabs. Bobby wants money as Ted DiBiase enters and discusses Jim Cornette being associated with Mr. Fuji and Yokozuna now. The Fink claims DiBiase’s seasonal residence is currently in Massachusetts. All that money and that’s where you go? McMahon calls him “one of the wealthiest men in the WWF.” Who the fuck has more?!?! Razor Ramon enters, freshly babyface despite being called the Bad Guy. Brain calls him a Desi Arnaz impersonator. Scott Hall was too cool and had to be turned. Apparently, Tibet is showing this event?
MATCH NUMBER ONE: Ted DiBiase vs Razor Ramon
-Ted jumps Razor from behind as the chains are taken off. Razor bounces back with a backdrop and fallaway slam with his vest still on.
-Vince recaps this feud being over the 123 Kid, who is making his PPV debut later on. Bobby claims Ramon was offered a job as a domestic as Ted takes a clothesline over the top rope.
-DiBiase went to the Nailz school of choking on offense, but quickly does a backbreaker and elbow drop to differentiate himself from the shittiest wrestler ever.
-Bobby claims a chinlock isn’t a choke because of Razor’s oversized Adam’s apple. He’s the early MVP again.
-Necbreaker and suplex to set up the Million Dollar Dream, but Razor avoids it and there’s a double down clothesline.
-Ted exposes the buckle and ends up eating it. The crowd goes crazy as the finish is set up. Good guy Razor protected Ted very well on that.
WINNER: Razor Ramon in 7:30 with the Razor’s Edge
FINAL WORD: That’s a series wrap on Ted DiBiase in-ring. It doesn’t get more effective in that period of time than that.
-After the replay, Todd fucking Pettengill is with the Steiner mom and sister in the crowd. He makes a joke about their ages and that their dad is at home not feeling well. His jokes immediately fall flat and Mom no-sells them. His sister tries to say something about bringing guys home, but Jim Cornette interrupts in-ring with his intro to the Heavenly Bodies. I always dug this theme for them more than High Energy. The Gigolo is wonderfully cocky for a man that looks like that. Jim gets big heat from Dr. Tom’s intro. Bobby puts SMW over hard and talks about his neck brace before the Steiner Brothers enter to a great, hometown pop. They are rocking Michigan colors and I’m getting emotional. MY BOY is at home hugging his mom. Brain claims Mrs. Steiner has cauliflower vocal cords.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: WWF TAG TITLE MATCH- The Heavenly Bodies w/Jim Cornette vs The Steiner Brothers (Champions)
-Another jump at the bell. Rick takes a double suplex and Scott is knocked to the floor over and over again. Rick takes a scary flapjack that he was expecting to take as a back drop.
-The faces take over and Jimmy Del Ray takes a big monkey flip and tilt-a-whirl.
-Vince gives the Steiner school credentials! JR is crying in some chili backstage! Scott gets some huge elevation and shows amazing intensity on suplexes and drops. These poor heels. Another MVP case.
-Cornette screams bloody murder complaining about the camera being too close. Scott lets out a rare smile as the crowd chants “let’s go Blue!”
-Good teamwork leads to a bulldog and enzuigiri by the Bodies. Then, Del Ray hits a nice somersault from the apron. He has some sweet wrestling moves and disgusting dance moves. Good float over DDT as well.
-I refuse to give Del Ray an MVP case, even with an impressive superkick. Scott is jammed by the tennis racket that Heenan misses because his head was turned getting Vince a Diet Coke.
-The hot tag is cut off, but Scott hits a Tiger Bomb and tags Rick in. Steinerlines keep the Bodies down and a top rope bulldog gets a two count.
-Rick takes a racket shot to the back for a believable two.
-The patented top rope moonsault hits Tom Prichard on accident and it’s time to go home. Good job by Rick Steiner remembering he’s legal.
WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers at 9:27 when Rick Steiner pins Jimmy Del Ray after a Scott Steiner Frankensteiner.
-The finish gets a great pop as expected. They celebrate as Bobby can’t tell the Steiner ladies apart.
FINAL WORD: A WWF-style tag match with the Steiners in their hometown will always get my approval.
-Joe Fowler is backstage making his WWF debut. Don’t get used to him because I don’t recognize him. He interviews Shawn Michaels and Diesel. Shawn claims he will prove to be the greatest IC Champ ever. Diesel talks like a big version of Andrew Dice Clay. This Fowler guy is pretty bad; all of these corny white dudes around this time suck. I imagine they all run into a crowd of guys shooting dice like Rex Kramer (that’s a bonus Kentucky Fried Movie reference for you).
-Time of another big match early with the champ entering first. Bobby talks about Diesel’s Roberto Duran-like right hand. Mr. Perfect enters to challenge for the IC Title for the unprecedented third time. JR and Gorilla Monsoon are calling the action on Radio WWF in the nosebleeds. Ouch. That’s the demotion team- calling the action in wrestling without the visual. Perfect throws his towel at Heenan.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: IC TITLE MATCH- Mr. Perfect vs Shawn Michaels w/Diesel (Champion)
-Vince says this could be one of the greatest IC Title matches ever. It starts with a good, fast pace before Hennig hits a confusing facebuster to get the advantage before working the arm.
-Chops in the corner. Shawn sets up Perfect with a leapfrog in the corner, but it was scouted and he gets caught.
-Michaels gets caught with an arm drag off the top. The arm is still worked on before a big slingshot over the top. The crowd is firmly behind the face here. Diesel provides a distraction and Curt turns into a loud Sweet Chin Music.
-The lower back gets axe handled, elbowed and whipped into the corner. Perfect’s back is like Seth Rollins’ knee in 2017. Hennig lets out an audible “goddamn it” on a butt drop.
-Hennig gets out of a submission and another back and forth leads to a dropkick and epic HBK sell.
-The PerfectPlex is hit, but Diesel pulls Curt without the ref seeing it. Perfect punches him right in the glasses. HBK is thrown into the ring on the ref and Diesel throws Perfect into the stairs and post. The crowd and I hate the ending.
WINNER: Shawn Michaels in 11:19 by countout
-Perfect comes into the ring and jumps both men, but the numbers are too much. Diesel knocks him out with a big right hand. Todd interviews the heels on their way out, but it’s only for the TV audience. Perfect gets up and chases them to the back.
FINAL WORD: That didn’t even come close to living up to the hype or meeting even minimal expectations.
-Fowler is backstage with the 123 Kid and he looks nervous as shit. Look at Sean Waltman looking too young to buy a lottery ticket. He talks typical babyface stuff. Joe calls him a shy, young hero while IRS is in the ring. He calls Detroit “Tax Cheat City” before an odd theme I don’t remember brings the Kid out to a great reaction. I think he’s given the weight of 218 pounds?!?! 118 maybe.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: IRS vs The 123 Kid
-The Kid sells nerves and being in the moment so fucking well. He hits a spin kick for a one count and Vince sells it like it’s over in his first bad moment on commentary. Four matches might be a record for him.
-HIGH elevation by Irwin. He tries it again and Kid hits a dropkick in mid-air.
-I just noticed the SHITTY American bunting hung on the railings.
-Kid takes a clubbing blow to the chest on the apron and then does a FRONT bump to the floor. It gets no attention or reaction.
-Back inside the ring, Waltman gets a great near fall with a roll up. He’s in MVP territory.
-Irwin’s name is made fun of as his head is rammed into the buckle. Rotunda puts his head down one too many times, then eats a spin kick and the famous moonsault that beat Razor. IRS manages to kick out.
-A back and forth sequence leads to a deflating decapitation.
WINNER: IRS at 5:42 with a Write-Off Clothesline
-The Brain Scan breaks down the finish and Bobby writes 1040 on the screen in a bad joke.
FINAL WORD: Why the fuck was that the decision? It’s fine as an enhancement affair, but the Kid is beyond that for someone like IRS.
-Pettengill interviews Bruce and Owen Hart. Stu is not there because of knee surgery. Todd messes up the word “vitriolic” as it’s explained Stu slipped while being upset about Jerry Lawler’s insults.
-I guess winning the King of the Ring means you go on fifth. It takes a little longer to enter, so Bobby starts someone is a chicken before Bret Hart appears. Bruce is made fun of as Jerry Lawler enters on crutches and the most exaggerated ice pack taped to his knee. He oversells every step and Bobby supports him so much. Refs run out to prevent Hart from going after him. Todd comes out to interview Jerry so the crowd can hear him. The King talks the hate he has for the family including his “wrinkled up mother.” He says his limo from Detroit barely worked and got stuck in a ten-car pile. It’s so old school and over-the-tope as he claims there was a “fiery wreckage.” It’s an MVP promo as he’s too hobbled to compete.
-Plenty have offered to take his place and he’s chosen his self-appointed court jester: Doink. He enters to a good reaction carrying two buckets. He’s got a big cigar in his mouth and a creepy look in between laughs. He throws one bucket filled with confetti on the fans and one kid tells him he sucks. The other bucket has water and it goes all over Bruce Hart. Bret jumps the clown to get it started.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Bret Hart vs Doink the Clown
-So, Hulk didn’t want to lose to Bret and didn’t want to work Doink at all, so they have to wrestle each other? Fuck you, Terry.
-Doink gets his ass kicked early as Bret sells great anger over the whole situation. A crotch on the top rope makes Bobby say he’s been “de-doinked.” Then, a good face plant off of a Tower of London. Owen and Bruce scream and their ‘dress clothes” are made fun of.
-Bret backs Lawler down the aisle and Doink knees him from behind and throws him into the steps. He hilariously says “okay” at Bill Alfonso’s instructions and makes a silly face. The technician starts working the leg.
-STF! Erik Watts can eat a dick! Then, Matt Borne locks in the Stump Puller. Vince thinks Hart gave up at one point? The cheating by holding the ropes is caught.
-Whoopie Cushion attempt from the top and Bret gets the knees up right into the balls again. Great reaction by Doink as well.
-Leg sweep, second rope elbow, dead center, Sharpshooter.
-Lawler gets up and DESTROYS Bret in the back of the head and ear with an UNPROTECTED swing with the probably not-gimmicked crutch. Bret looks really hurt. The brothers try to get in and help, but the refs stop them for some reason. No one is helping Bret.
-There’s been no bell as Jerry helps Doink to the back and Bret slowly gets up. Jack Tunney comes out and tells Lawler that people paid to see him wrestle. The Hitman is livid trying to get through the officials.
-Fink announces that Lawler will be banned for life if he doesn’t wrestle Bret right now. He doesn’t give the official announcement on the last match, so I’ll just throw that here.
WINNER: Bret Hart in 9:05ish by DQ
FINAL WORD: A great, short technical match while telling a story.
-Bret finally gets Lawler and punches him p the aisle to nuclear heat. A hard headbutt and an UNPROTECTED metal bucket to the head with a little extra to it gets us started.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: Bret Hart vs Jerry Lawler
-Jerry is selling his ass off and takes punches in the corner and launches himself to lay on the top rope before falling down. Back on the floor and the King takes a crutch to the back. Bobby complains about the lack of DQ before Jerry gets a piece and hits Bret for still no DQ. He then antagonizes Owen and Bruce. This is so chaotic and visceral.
-Alfonso is really sucking as a ref. More crutch shots behind his back before a crotching on the bottom post and Bobby makes a squeaky voice. The throat is jammed as kids are begging the ref to see what’s happening. Old Memphis heat at its finest.
-Weak mule kick low blow by Bret and the strap comes down. Jerry begs off and Hart is LAYING those punches in.
-Bret’s own piledriver precedes his second rope elbow. Then, the Batista thumbs up and down for the Sharpshooter and Lawler submits.
-Bret won’t break the hold and the bell keeps ringing. The crowd gets louder and louder. Bret is bouncing on his submission now and the refs can’t pry him off.
-Four referees can’t do it as the brothers yell happily. Owen is a little too over the top and almost an LVP. About a dozen officials or so pat him on the back and Heenan is incredulous, begging for some physical force to remove him.
-The refs ask Bruce and Owen to help. Owen’s outfit of cowboy boots and leather pants reinforces the LVP thought. The hold is finally released and the King is dead. The official decision is finally announced and it’s a reversed one.
WINNER: Jerry Lawler at 6:34 by DQ
-Lawler is also announced as the “undisputed king” and Bret screams at Bill Alfonso. It’s still not over as Bret attacks Lawler as he’s rolled onto a stretcher. Bruce has to get his shit in and Owen leaps onto him, too. Lawler holds his hand up in victory on the way out in one last piece of heel brilliance. Bret’s theme plays and he celebrates with his brothers nevertheless.
FINAL WORD: Amazing storytelling and scene here despite it being not much of an actual match.
-LUDVID BORGA PROMO!!! You best believe we are rocking jean shorts and a flannel shirt in 1993! He complains about how shitty Detroit is and how Lex Luger represents crumbling America. It’s a better promo than I expected.
-Marty Jannetty runs out in another ugly ass outfit. He looks like an extra in Staying Alive. What I’m guessing is the Finnish national anthem plays for Borga. He steps over the top rope and he’s not even that big of a guy for that.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: Marty Jannetty vs Ludvig Borga
-Another jumping at the bell because Marty stupidly turns around. Vince claims Ludvig was an amateur boxing champion.
-Wonderful elevation on a press up and Borga punches him in the stomach on the way down. He jaws in the crowd in some good heel work.
-A face rally is quickly snuffed out with one clothesline.
-Marty lets out an “oh shit” in a bearhug. He throws some wacky, messy punches to get out before getting turned inside out on a clothesline.
-Jannetty is right on the button with two superkicks, but gets caught in mid-air and dropped with a World’s Strongest Slam.
-What a glorified squash…and a message to Lex with his old finish.
WINNER: Ludvig Borga in 5:15 with the torture rack
-Bobby is amazing as putting over this win over a former IC Champion.
FINAL WORD: I always liked Borga and I’m fine with all of this as a whole.
-We get a Survivor Series commercial with a very odd tone and music. It’s moved to Thanksgiving Eve which Vince and Bobby reiterate and promote the return of the elimination matches this year. Bobby breaks down all of the possibilities before Vince cuts him off for Fink to announce the “Rest in Peace” match featuring No DQ or countout. Giant Gonzalez lumbers out and his outfit somehow looks worse. Harvey Wippleman still has the urn. GONG and the light go out for the first time, I think? Undertaker gets a spotlight and a massive reaction that Vince tries to scream over. He’s without Paul Bearer notably and raises his hands to bring the lights back for the first time. The character work keeps getting better and better.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: REST IN PEACE MATCH- Giant Gonzalez w/Harvey Wippleman vs The Undertaker
-Taker hits some karate thrusts to start. Harvey distracts on a choke and that allows Giant to hit a boot and headbutt.
-A couple of clotheslines and bad sells by Gonzalez before a strike knocks Taker down, but he sits up right away.
-Hard throw into the steps followed by a couple of chair shots to the back. I must reiterate that Giant’s heel trash talk to the crowd is very good. Another ugly whip that Taker takes all in the knees.
-Taker keeps crawling and trying to get to the urn before being stopped. Gonzalez is now repeating “who rest in peace now” and it’s getting repetitive. Another GONG and Paul Bearer appears. Heenan oversells his existence as Bearer carries a black wreath down.
-Harvey takes his jacket off and eats a Paul clothesline. It’s better than anything physical Giant Gonzalez does. Paul gets the urn back. The Deadman takes an ugly slam on his legs basically.
-The urn is raised and Taker sits up. Giant refuses to go down and sells so goddamn poorly. I have to give him another LVP for his rocking and gesturing.
-Down to one knee and Taker takes to the air to finally end this.
WINNER: The Undertaker at 8:04 with a top rope clothesline
-The wreath is placed to the side and we get the classic Taker pose at Giant’s body. The faces leave and Gonzalez scares Harvey even though he’s not really doing anything. He eventually grabs him and chokeslams him, but only at Harvey’s height. Then, the wreath is placed by him instead.
FINAL WORD: There was barely anything “no DQ” about it. Thankfully, it is really RIP on Jorge’s in-ring career.
-Joe Fowler is with Yokozuna and his entourage backstage. Cornette calls him a hatchet head and goes off as only he can about the tag title loss. Fowler recaps the surprises on the show and Cornette says his employment needs to be added. In other words, it’s an MVP promo. Yoko’s dead, intense stare is looking right at me. He would be better than Butkus (one more Fistful of Yen to go). Fowler gets into the LVP picture as he’s almost cut off for the second time. He makes me appreciate Sean Mooney.
-The Smokin’ Gunns enter. Billy’s cowboy shirt already settles my Bitchcakes case as a “yes” right away. The expected “cowboys and Indians” line from Heenan as Tatanka enters, still undefeated. Random sign alert: “Tatanka is Dangerous Tonight!” The Headshrinkers music for Fatu, Samu and Bam Bam Bigelow as their opponents and JR and Gorilla are still calling the radio action for the Armed Forces. Bobby calls them Regis and Kathy Lee. What an entourage. Bobby tells us Shawn Michaels has left the building. That always works for me.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: The Smokin’ Gunns and Tatanka vs The Headshrinkers and Bam Bam Bigelow w/Luna Vachon and Afa
-Awesome start: Bam Bam tries to follow the Samoan ritual and the faces run at them, but all three heels obliterate them to the mat.
-Tatanka and Bam Bam start and Bobby talks about Luna the whole time. That’s a shame because these two have a great sequence that ends with a double cross body double down.
-Early hot tag to Billy and Fatu snuffs him out quickly with a huge superkick. Impressive lay out DDT like Seth’s temporary finisher followed up by a top rope clothesline.
-Billy gets his ass kicked, but gets kicked into his corner and Bart tags in. He also gets his ass kicked well including a facebuster, powerslam and triple dropkick.
-Fatu’s head is used as a weapon, then no sold before he turns Bart inside out on a clothesline.
-Bart hits his head on the bottom rope on a bump and it looked nasty. Bobby points it out and I love how they focus on each match without getting distracted about past or future events.
-Bam Bam hits the post and Tatanka gets the hot tag. He hits an impressive slam and DDT on Bam Bam and nails a top rope cross body for two.
-The war path no sell is thwarted with a dope kick to the back of the head to a great reaction.
-A six-man scrum breaks out. Bart takes a nasty spill over the top to the concrete. Tatanka takes a triple headbutt and it’s rightfully sold like death.
-Both Samoans and Bam Bam try a triple top rope headbutt and they all miss. Awesome spot.
-One Gunn slingshots over the top rope to isolate the Headshrinkers and to help lead to the finish.
WINNERS: Tatanka and the Smokin’ Gunns in 11:16 when Tatanka pins Samu with a roll-up
FINAL WORD: This came out of nowhere and I LOVED IT. No sarcasm here, that was a banger six-man match that would crush on Raw in the main event in any year with some unique shit and great energy.
-Joe Fowler is outside in the Lex Express. He interviews the driver, Hank Carter. This poor guy has to watch the show from a monitor on the bus. I was going to say there hasn’t been any overkill since the opening and here it is. He claims Lex is so genuine and great with kids at the Philly hospital. He needs to figure his words out. Fowler is “entitled to one stupid question per PPV” and asks who Hank’s pick is. His LVP strengthens before we go to Pettengill in the crowd with a random fan in some USA bed sheets. Why does Todd interview fans in sheets on every show now? These segments both sucked.
-Vince says you can “feel the patriotism” and Bobby thinks the bus driver was Jimmy Carter. Fink asks the crowd to rise to boos for the Japanese anthem. I hate these jingoist moments. The singer is purposely bad, like a karaoke singer. Oh boy, I’m in for a long time here. Sato from the Orient Express is holding the Japanese flag. We have a master of ceremonies for the main event. Why is that needed? It’s Randy Savage accompanied by Aaron Neville in all his denim and cowboy hat glory. I hope he sings. Vince claims the Palace has never rocked like this before. It will because of Ron Artest in 10 years.
-Macho gives a couple “OH YEAHs” into the mic and announces that Neville will sing the National Anthem. It’s always the best. Rich Camillucci’s impression is spot on. He just needs the mole over the eyebrow. What is this singing style called? His eyes are closed the whole time! I’m guessing it’s because of “total concentration” but it’s with a different speech impediment (and the Fistful of Yen reference challenge is over).
-The main event is finally announced and Yokozuna enters first with Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette. A rude sign asks for Luger to slaughter a pig version of Yoko. Vince recaps the body slam moment on the Inteprid from the 4th of July before a “YokoTUNA” sign. That’s just a good pun. The champ takes his time with the ceremony and rice throwing. Macho Man introduces “the next WWF champ” Lex Luger to Stars and Stripes Forever. He admittedly gets a great pop and enters all smiles, slapping hands with everyone including an exiting Neville and Savage. He’s covered in red, white and blue. Bobby doesn’t mention their past connection, but mentions that this is his only shot at the title. He holds a mini-flag cooler than Erik Watts at least.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: WWF TITLE MATCH- Lex Luger vs Yokozuna w/Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette (Champion)
-They stare off and Lex calmly says some shit to Yoko as Fuji tries to sneak in behind him. He gets caught and Lex rocks Yoko early.
-The big leg drop is missed and Lex looks so awkward with his kicks, especially one to the rope that batters the champ’s dick area. He also looks awkward trying to be a face.
-Luger is breathing very heavily less than three minutes in. The ref stops some corner punches and that leads to a throat shot.
-Fuji tries the salt throw, but misses because Lex sort of blocks it. This is a mess already and I’m blaming LVP Lex.
-Headbutts prevent Lex from returning to the ring and he’s then choked on the floor with a cord. This is paced like a snail booked it.
-Yoko splashes the challenger against the post, but misses a chair shot. Luger gets back in and his legs can barely handle getting to the top rope for some axe handles. A flying elbow only gets a two count.
-Double down eight minutes in because both guys need the break. At least Warrior and Hogan waited.
-Cornette distracts the ref so Fuji can throw his charge the rice bucket for a protected shot to the face for a long two count.
-You can tell how much weight Yoko has put on lately. He hits a belly-to-belly and the timing on the near falls hurts the believability and momentum of the match.
-God, there’s another poorly timed kick out on a belly-to-back. Earl Hebner even does the NJPW slow down on three and Lex can’t do it right. Can he honestly pass those two interviewing schlubs?
-The dreaded nerve hold is locked and the former Narcissist just lays here. Yoko is just standing there. He powers to his feet, tries to slam the big man and Yoko falls on him for two. Bobby is impressed by his fight as a leg drop leads to another two count.
-The Banzai Drop is set up and Luger moves. Yokozuna takes it all on the ass and he thankfully has a lot of meat to help.
-Strikes are traded in the corner and Yoko gets the advantage. He tries and misses the back splash in the corner and it leads to the big slam by Lex. Heenan bleats “hip lock” over and over as the crowd goes crazy.
-Fuji gets knocked down and Yokozuna is knocked out of the ring with a running elbow. Cornette eats a punch on the apron as the ref and crowd count. Vince goes bananas. All of that said…COME ON.
WINNER: Lex Luger in 17:58 by countout
FINAL WORD: Yeah, it’s no wonder why Lex Luger never gets this title.
-The Steiners, Tatanka and Macho Man come out to celebrate. The crowd is happy, but deflated BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WIN THE FUCKING TITLE. He gets up on shoulders and waves the flag as people are shown leaving while confetti drops and balloons are everywhere.
-Vince tries to hard sell the moment and his next opportunity as Bobby begs for someone to help Yokozuna who is still out at ringside.
-The scene changes to the Lex Express in the distance in the heat. Then, the moon landing is shown? Is this supposed to be the music video to “I’ll Be Your Hero” and they lost the right to the song? That is UNACCEPTABLE. This song is the fucking worst of all time. We see MLK, JFK and Lex slamming Yoko. Now, Luger is on his fucking bus looking out of the window and sleeping in an American flag outfit. I’m so angry. Here’s the real video so you don’t have to suffer like me.
-Clips of the main event are edited in as Lex plays with his family, talks to kids and flexes while exiting a helicopter. It’s all unbelievable because it’s Lex Luger and we just saw him be a dick 2 months ago. I’m so mad that I’ll never know what this song is so I can avoid it. Now he’s flexing on top of the bus!!! All of his suits are ill-fitting!!! He’s sweating while cutting a promo on Raw. One last shot of the bus and some slow motion celebrating at the end of the match by Lex before going back live.
-Yokozuna is still out and covered in balloons. Lex is already in the locker room with his face friends and Fowler. He’s so matter of fact about the honor and privilege to wrestle for the title and his country. Ludvig Borga interrupts and claims to not be impressed. Boy, you aren’t kidding. He will crush him as the USA is crumbling. Lex gets no retort as Vince signs off with more slow-motion recapping of the end of the main event. He gets a dickish line about hoping we enjoyed SummerSlam more than Yokozuna.
THE LAST IMAGE: A wide shot of the arena with Lex Luger on the shoulders of the Steiner Brothers alongside Randy Savage and Tatanka
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: Character issues aside, Jerry Lawler submitted one of the most legendary all-around heel performances of all time on this show.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Lex Luger doesn’t have what it takes at all. It feels like a put on and he shit the bed in his big moment. His was a tad more important than Joe Fowler’s.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Smokin’ Gunns and Tatanka vs The Headshrinkers and Bam Bam Bigelow
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: The Undertaker vs Giant Gonzalez
FINAL THOUGHTS: This has a reputation as the worst SummerSlam of all time and that’s unfair. Honestly, the show isn’t bad until you get to the main event and that is an unabashed MESS. Before that, the matches are good or even great, the crowd is hot and the stores are told wonderfully. That last 40 minutes really drags it down, though. The finish and the performance and the music video are THAT bad because it isn’t tongue-in-cheek at all. It’s an honest effort and it’s a complete misfire. Usually, I let the good outweigh the bad. I can’t do it here. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: I think I’m starting to understand the stigma that wrestling had in 1993. If I don’t know, I’m sure Fall Brawl will do the trick.