I’ve never read Much Ado About Nothing because I’m an American male born in the late 80s, but I definitely feel like the embodiment of the concept over the past few weeks now.
I’ve been talking about my fear with the move to Peacock and the lack of PPVs available for this project that’s become such a passion of mine over the past year. I had to jump through hoops and resort to outside assistance to catch the last WCW event and was beginning the same process for today’s show. It wasn’t looking good when I checked the new service on a whim once more to see if there were any updates.
Lo and behold, there was and WCW Beach Blast 1993 was there in all its glory. Some quick research in the moment appears to show that the WCW and ECW PPVs have been added much earlier than the expected summer deadline. That makes me beyond thrilled and at ease that I can keep churning out diaries for your reading pleasure.
That being said, it’s probably all a joke on me because this show is pretty infamous for yet another boneheaded and terrible mini-movie to promote the main event. Our favorite evil little person, Cheatum, is back and trying to kill two wrestlers playing volleyball as the monster heel world champion walks on the beach wearing uncharacteristic tennis shoes. It’s bonkers and I love it and I hope you enjoy it for all the right and wrong reasons.
It’s more that can be said about the show it was advertising.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 62: WCW BEACH BLAST 1993
Written on 4/18/2021
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: The Beach Blast logo, the beach seasons guitar squeal and a very 1993 attitude previewing the title matches and the main event in “The Ultimate Power Match” before finishing with the NWA Title match because Ric Flair is involved. Eric Bischoff says a “tidal wave of excitement” is hitting the Gulf of Mexico in Biloxi. Missy Hyatt is with him again on a beach set and Eric is wearing a backwards hat, Hawaiian shirt and green shorts. Missy just wants a Pina Colada and feigns excitement. They are both LVP candidates again. Also on that radar is Tony Schiavone with his painted nose and goofy hat. Jesse Ventura is at the cabana bar and doesn’t know they are on air because he’s surrounded by women. The lights fucking go out again! How many shows is that in a row?!?! Four girls walk Jesse down the ramp in enough tye-dye to blind Billy Graham. I don’t mean to be offensive, but one of these ladies is particularly older. This is taking forever. Tony wants the girls to join the fun and Jesse obliges. It’s finally time to go to the ring.
-GMC is even getting into the theme and isn’t wearing a tie. Don’t Step to Ron, but definitely take a step down the card as Ron Simmons enters in FSU colors again. He can win the TV Title by DQ. The ring is very small to me here. A slow, cool, heel theme for Mr. Wonderful leads the champ to the ring with good heat as usual. The “Paula” chants start immediately. He’s so angry and sells them great. He’s the early MVP. Like Hulk Hogan, there’s a guy way too old in the front row dressed like Sting right down to the hair. Paul is irate and rips up a Paula pennant that they cruelly sell. I see a beach ball in the crowd and I want to see Cesaro now.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: TV TITLE DQ CAUSES A CHANGE MATCH- Ron Simmons vs Paul Orndorff (Champion)
-Ron attacks Paul on the floor as Jesse didn’t hear the bell. It was pretty faint.
-Orndorff is working hard while Ventura makes some tied up jokes. The face is too quick so far.
-The champ sends Simmons into the buckle and hits a belly-to-back. He can’t capitalize on a top rope knee drop and lands awkwardly.
-Simmons puts the Figure Four on for two seconds as Mr. Wonderful is too close to the rope. Also, Ric Flair is blowing a gasket backstage. On the floor, a punch and chop puts the face on the defensive.
-Great, but safe, precision on the attacks from Orndorff. He’s very underrated.
-A wide shot proves WCW 1993 isn’t WCW 1991…or they know how to paper/light seats better at this point.
-Jesse asks about Tony’s nose. The answer is something about zinc oxide as Ron hits a powerslam for two.
-Another awkward spot where Paul hits a dropkick…or misses it? Simmons no sells it and stares at him either way.
-A thumb in the eye leads to a piledriver attempt, but it leads to a back drop over the top. Ventura calls it out instantly.
WINNER: Paul Orndorff at 11:15 to retain the title by DQ
-Ron hits a top rope shoulder breaker and tries a pin, but the ref breaks it up. Orndorff tries a swinging title shot, but gets fought off.
FINAL WORD: I HATE THIS TOP ROPE RULE. Speaking of hate, I didn’t hate the match, but I didn’t love it either.
-The replay has Tony and Jesse argue over intent. They continue to ham it up with glasses and nose stuff. I don’t mean coke. The two big matches are discussed. The Masters of the Powerbomb vs the WCW Superpowers, huh? Flair’s chance at a 10th world title holds my interest much more.
-Marcus Alexander Bagwell’s dopey ass jogging to Too Cold Scorpio’s theme is almost as bad as his dancing! The forced handshakes and high fives also suck. Poor Scorpio. Tex Slazenger and Shanghai Pierce make their PPV debut to some bad Sergio Leone music. Look at Henry Godwinn in a random mask and Phineas Godwinn with some bandit shit for his entrance. They do a big Texas Longhorn taunt at the bell.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Marcus Alexander Bagwell and Too Cold Scorpio vs Tex Slazenger and Shanghai Pierce
-All Shanghai has is shouting “TEXAS!” Bagwell shouts “BILOXI” for a cheap pop. True ring generals.
-Good face teamwork on a cross body and bulldog. Sadly, Scorpio tries a Poetry in Motion from the ring to the apron, but eats shit and misses badly. Jesse calls it out as the camera is thankfully pulled away.
-They reset in the ring after figuring out what to do and land on a springboard crossbody.
-Tex wants Too Cold and he dances in retaliation. On a big back body drop, Scorpio’s feet hit the top ropes. God, he’s really going to get hurt. This is potentially a LVP case.
-I hate to say it, but Bagwell is holding this match down. He does good work on an encounter with Pierce including leapfrogs and arm drags.
-Marcus randomly gets grounded by heels. How is Tex in worse shape here than he is later in his career?
-Jesse calls them “Texicans” I have no idea why or if that’s okay.
-Pierce hits a beautiful gutwrench powerbomb and Scorpio saves the fall. Ventura complains about the rules and Schiavone tells him to talk to the lawyers. That causes the Body to tell a bunch of old, but solid, lawyer jokes.
-Hot tag and Scorpio is full of kicks. Amazing elevation on a top rope splash, but Tex saves the match.
-Double dropkick takes Slazenger to the floor, then it FINALLY debuts on PPV and it’s gorgeous and deserving of the pop it gets.
WINNERS: Too Cold Scorpio and Marcus Alexander Bagwell in 12:45 when Scorpio pins Shanghai Pierce with a 450 splash
-On the replay, Jesse calls it the “One and a Half.” I’m okay with it.
FINAL WORD: That picked up, but not enough to make me remember to write this section until the next day.
-Missy interview Paul Orndorff and the debut of the Equalizer standing there like a goof. Paul claims to be the John Wayne of pro wrestling. That’s probably the wrong analogy considering he’s feuding with Ron Simmons. Despite that, the promo strengthens Paul’s MVP case and he puts over his new charge huffing and puffing and squeezing. He calls Ricky Steamboat old and claims he is balding and spraying his hair black. Good stuff.
-GMC introduces Erik Watts with really shitty music and absolutely ZERO reaction. He gets the wrong name plate and has tiny American flags to hand out. Anything to get him cheered, I guess. Then, it’s time for the DOPE AS FUCK theme and debut of Lord Steven Regal. His weight is announced in stone and he’s accompanied by Bill Dundee getting paid as Sir William. Regal already has amazing facials looking at Biloxi. What a legend. The theme sadly ends before he gets to the ring. Jesse talks golf as I notice William has mini-UK flags. It’s a mini-flag battle!
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Erik Watts vs Lord Steven Regal w/Sir William
-Cheap heat central as Regal avoids lock ups and Watts makes fun of Regal’s pompousness.
-Regal tries to monkey flip out of a long wristlock, but it gets held onto. Oklahoma is made fun of in a tongue-in-cheek way to potshot Jim Ross.
-Fine chain wrestling by Watts. He’s winning me over. Now, I just think he’s misunderstood and a victim. Maybe that’s a sign I should wrap this project up.
-More solid counter wrestling and there’s NO NOISE from the crowd. Jesse points it out and Tony defends it? Ventura is now an MVP candidate. In 2021, the crowd would be all over this if Zack Sabre Jr were doing it. Hell, in 2017, Shark Sabre Jr. could have done it at the Mania Chikara show and gotten the pop of the night. That one Chikara show will be my reference challenge.
-Good uppercuts by his Lordship before he misses a knee and Erik pounces and tries the STF. William slaps him and the distraction costs our plucky, unpopular hero.
WINNER: Lord Steven Regal in 7:32 with a roll up holding the tights
FINAL WORD: A fine scientific match that the crowd sat on their hands for.
-Fall Brawl featuring War Games is previewed before Jesse interviews Regal and William. Ass is kissed as Ventura is called “mayor” and lies are told as Regal claims to not break a sweat while being covered in sweat. He wants to challenge for the TV Title before quoting Winston Churchill and asking for crumpets. A fine first promo.
-Bischoff recaps the Maxx Payne/Johnny B Badd feud and Payne shooting Badd in the face with the Blaster. That spot got a big pop and Badd takes a big bump for it. It even looked good in slow motion. GMC introduces Payne who plays his own guitar riff to the ring. Once again: eat shit, Elias. He gets pyro for the final chord, but keeps playing anyway. Badd enters for this “super grudge match” with the most obnoxious mask ever. His boa gets compliments from Jesse. He still shoots the Badd Blaster in the crowd. Maybe don’t carry that thing around anymore?
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Maxx Payne vs Johnny B Badd
-Good fire by Johnny until a weird and nasty tumble out of a missed attack in the corner forces him to the floor.
-Payne is just a sloppy, out-of-shape weirdo. You’d think I’d like him but I don’t. LVP.
-The Paynekiller submission is attempted, but Badd lands in the ropes. A suplex leads to Badd kicking out at one, but Nick Patrick counts two. Again, fuck him forever.
-A dropkick and attempt to get over the top rope that Maxx sells poorly and ultimately gets booed for. Then, stupidly, Badd dives over the top rope while Maxx is on the floor. It looked dangerous and like shit.
-Payne hits the post on the floor, gets back in and takes forever to turn around. Badd slips and has to improvise.
WINNER: Johnny B Badd in 4:52 with a second rope cross body
FINAL WORD: We have one of those shows where each match gets worse and worse. It definitely didn’t help that it looked like the debut of Johnny B. Ice Cream. All that’s missing was harassing the crowd (and we already have one reference to go!)
-The Tag Title match is previewed. Tony puts over Arn Anderson’s tag experience while Ventura can’t stop messing with Tony’s nose. A Southern theme I don’t recognize leads the Horsemen out. They are both wearing white, airbrushed shirts like they visited a tourist trap. Paul Roma doesn’t pass the eye test. A kid in the crowd shows off his WWF Young Stallion Roma card. Wait…Stallion…Horse…Horsemen! Is that the reason why? The Hollywood Blonds enter full of piss and vinegar. There are lots of signs for them.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: WCW TAG TITLE MATCH- The Horsemen vs The Hollywood Blonds (Champions)
-Jesse flexes his Demolition Man friends and talks Sly and Snipes as Roma and Steve Austin start. Brian Pillman jaws with the fans and Austin has to stop him. Good heel work.
-The first lock up occurs two minutes in. One big punch makes Steve bail and get a hug and check from his partner.
-Anderson vs Pillman now and Arn is by far the most popular person on the show so far. His history of partners is argued while Tully Blanchard is conveniently left out. Jesse calls him the Zsa Zsa Gabor of wrestling in a stale ass reference.
-I wish I was with my British wrestling friends so we could sing and make fun of the horse on Roma’s tights like we did to Sammy Guevara’s cock panda. Paul fucks a backslide up and finally gets cut off by the heels and eats some chops.
-Brian is now getting it from both ends culminating with a catapult into a Roma elbow. He sells too damaged to take an Irish whip and asks for a time-out. Then, he eats the rail hard like he’s prone to do and barely gets back in the ring.
-Imagine how much more the crowd would be into this with a face Tully Blanchard. It’s a shame. Roma takes a Stun Gun on the rail and takes the heat for good now.
-A fan with his back to the hard cam holds up a Bret Hart sign about King of the Ring. It covers the action up and someone whistles and says no. Funny. Paul tries a missile dropkick and Pillman tries catching him with a dropkick in mid-air. They both miss in a unique double down.
-Arn gets the hot tag and DESTROYS Brian with a DDT, but Steve gets a cheap shot to put the faces down again.
-Anderson blocks a piledriver on the floor with a back drop, but gets cut off getting back in the ring. Rinse and repeat action.
-Austin takes a Stun Gun of his own, but the Horsemen still can’t get the tag. An inside cradle behind the ref’s back gets a visual three count, but still only two in actuality.
-Another odd collision double down, but a belly-to-back cuts Arn off again. Jeez Louise, there’s a little too much of that here. A suplex from the apron to the floor by the babyface and Jesse argues the top rope DQ rule again to no avail. He is STILL cut off by Pillman and takes a beautiful headscissors.
-Roll through on a double axe handle block and a “LONG OVERDUE” hot tag to Roma. He hits a shitty press slam on Pillman and some shitty clotheslines. Of course, he’s an LVP threat.
-Classic AA spinebuster on Austin and a great save by his partner picks it up. The ref is distracted on a roll-up attempt and Pillman nails a good clothesline into another cheap heel win.
WINNERS: The Hollywood Blonds in 26:16 to retain the titles when Steve Austin pins Paul Roma with a roll-up holding the tights.
-Austin sells thorough exhaustion after the bell, like he’s really survived something.
FINAL WORD: That was long in the tooth, but the end of the tooth was pretty sweet like it has been with the Blonds lately.
-EB and Missy are back onstage and put over WCW PPVs. Eric fucks his words up constantly right as I took him off my LVP list. Hyatt is just a shitty hornball excited to see two men going at it for 30 minutes with the Iron Man challenge. Another Fall Brawl commercial plays over GMC explaining the rules. Here comes Rick Rude still Simply Ravishing. Someone is late to Survivor Series 1989 with their Rude Brood sign. He gets promo time,, but just tells everyone to shut up and pay respect instead of his usual schtick. Dustin Rhodes is still the Natural and he enters without the U.S. Title. Is it held up because that hasn’t been made clear? Ventura complains about Dustin’s “goat roping music” as crummy Nick Patrick shows off the belt.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: UNDISPUTED U.S. TITLE IRON MAN MATCH- Rick Rude vs Dustin Rhodes
-Hey, a clock on the screen! Let’s see if it stays! They roll around in a lock-up against the ropes for the first minute before Patrick forces a break. Jesse compliments him.
-Rude has a DISGUSTING loogie on his chin. That’s not ravishing. The clock is gone already. Tony recaps the long ass story about the title and it finally being confirmed as held up because of an instant replay double pin.
-I just noticed a ton of empty seats on the hard cam as Rhodes punishes Rude with a focus on the back. The face unleashes his own gross hip swivel.
-The timer is pristine! Now, Dustin is thrusting. There’s a lot of time for that to escalate. Rude lets out an audible “oh shit” in a Camel Clutch.
-Anybody from Texas is a Texican according to Body. Rude clotheslines Dustin and turns him inside out after landing some knees into the crotch on a reversal.
-A typically long Rick submission as Jesse talks girls and Tony talks family.
-Dustin powers up with an Electric Chair Drop, but eats more knees on a splash attempt.
-It’s the face’s turn for a long submission with a leg lock. Rude starts a flurry and it ends with a Rude Awakening to get the first fall at 13:20. He follows it up with a top rope clothesline with a shitty cover that only gets a long two count.
-A slingshot on the ropes to the wood ramp on Dustin makes a very loud bump. He’s approaching MVP for being the young gun trying to do his best again.
-A graphic scoreboard pops up and Tony calls it neat. That means it’s not.
-Per usual, Rude goes for a Tombstone and it gets countered into a Tombstone. At least he kicked out this time. Then, he propels himself over the top rope and Jesse is beating a dead horse about this DQ thing now.
-A series of snap suplexes by Rick and Dustin counters the last one for another two count.
-“You ain’t shit, Rhodes!” “That’s the pitfalls of live TV…” You can guess who is Rick Rude and who is Tony Schiavone.
-Chinlocks and sleepers to continue the deep freeze on Dustin. We get a great close up of Dustin selling the sleeper with glossy eyes.
-Ventura is now all over Nick Patrick because Dustin’s hand hit the mat three times in the sleeper, but no call for the bell because Dustin gets up. It’s classic Body. A jawbreaker releases Dustin with five minutes to go.
-A snot rocket and spit to the face disgusts Tony. Rhodes spits back in retaliation, but takes a thumb to the eye and takes a silly tumble over the top rope. The commentators have fun telling each other to shut up after snot jokes about something called the “farmer’s handkerchief.”
-Dustin okie dokes Rude and hits a bulldog at 26:56 to tie the match 1-1. Then, Dustin jives with a top rope elbow for a good near fall.
-A sloppy piledriver and Rude is in the ropes with 90 seconds to go. A big elbow drop is still only two. 60 seconds left and multiple clotheslines are still being kicked out.
-A babyface sleeper, but Rude jawbreaks out of it. A top rope attack is evaded and Rhodes hits a DDT, but the time expires as the count hits two. Good timing in WCW for once!
WINNER: Draw at 30:00 with the score tied 1-1
-Naturally, this gets big boos and Jesse is great in the replays reminding us that we still don’t have a champion.
FINAL WORD: Those boos are justified because you’d hope a 30-minute match claiming to make an undisputed champ would have a decisive ending. It got very good at the end, though.
-The NWA Title is discussed as a building situation. Flair attacked Barry at Clash of the Champions after the champ interfered in his tag title match. Then, a brawl on WCW Worldwide is shown. Good intensity for all of this. Tony is shown following the battle outside. Sometimes, that’s all a story needs.
-The legit 2001 theme is back and so is Ric Flair in action on a WCW PPV. He’s wearing his solid gold and silver robe. The theme turns off early for no reason. Barry Windham’s theme plays and those girls sitting on stage look bored as fuck. The Lone Wolf has shaved and looks weird compared to usual. He looks younger and older at the same time.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: NWA TITLE MATCH- Ric Flair vs Barry Windham (Champion)
-Windham absorbs chops early and hits a big clothesline. Flair just responds with more chops.
-I hate Barry’s reactions and body language here. You can sense he’s not happy. He has a big knee brace on, too. That may play into things.
-Big whip and bump over the top by Flair. A clothesline that oddly hits Ric’s chest on the floor precedes a suplex back into the ring.
-Gunshot chops and a sleeper by the face that the champ gets out of by driving the challenger’s head into the buckle. That leads to a Flair flop and it’s weird to see when he’s a face. Barry follows up with a Samoan drop and a powerslam.
-I’m shocked at the disinterest in this from the crowd. Sure, the match hasn’t been anything to write home about, but I still figured people would help elevate it.
-Weak cross body Ric sends Barry haphazardly over the top. Ric eats a slam on the floor and a fan yells that he’s too old and should leave wrestling. Where was that guy in 2017 for Mike Quackenbush when the going was good (one more reference to go)?
-Windham hits the superplex and Flair screams bloody murder. No cover is made and Barry misses a top rope elbow.
-Flair comes off the top rope and it’s a SUCCESS with a body press. All-time record: 12 for 28. Barry rolls through and gets a two count. These guys just aren’t working together well.
-The knee and leg become the focus. Barry fights him off, but eventually gets trapped in Flair’s signature hold. It’s sold, the ref counts three and calls for the bell. Both men are confused. Botch much?
WINNER: Ric Flair in 11:27 to win the title with a Figure Four pin
FINAL WORD: You know what they say? The 10th time is always the worst time.
-Tony tries to explain how the finish happened and “shocked everyone” as Jesse interviews the new champ. George Foreman is brought up in comparison before Windham is put over. It’s time to style and profile because “I’m BAAAAACK.” That sounds like a warning. This is a rare, meandering promo from him. Is this the closest LVP case we will ever have for the Nature Boy? He closes on the Be the Man line before Jesse sends it to Bischoff and Hyatt.
-Missy predicts the heels will win the main event and that’s about it. Worthless as usual. The Masters of the Powerbomb enter. Vader is sans title, but still announced as champion. Sid always looks confused as to where he is and what’s going on at the worst times on camera. The Man Called Sting and his British Bulldog friend enter in cool matching gear. There are no mini-movie clips on this show at all? Thank GOD I put the video at the top of the article.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: The Masters of the Powerbomb w/Harley Race and Col. Robert Parker vs The WCW Superpowers
-Sting and Sid start. A push into a takedown with punches leads to Sting hit two big face plants before eating a chokeslam.
-Both faces are thrown out to the floor, but come back with double top rope attacks like the Steiners to send the heels to the floor. Fairly boilerplate action so far.
-Davey vs Vader now and it’s overwhelming clubs by the champ.
-Bulldog’s delayed vertical suplex will never not be impressive on a man that size. Nor will Vader’s overwhelming body splash in retaliation. A small “Vader” chant breaks out as Davey gets double teamed.
-Vader and Sting brawl and the mask goes off. A takedown by Bulldog from behind is attempted and it’s a messy affair.
-Sid locks in a dreaded nerve hold as the crowd gets behind Smith. He slams the heel, but a nice grab by Sid stops the tag and continue to isolate.
-Race holds Davey and Vader hits his manager on accident. That allows Sting to tag in and beats up both Masters. Sid does the Terry Funk spot holding the ropes and bouncing on them with punches.
-One clothesline stops Sting’s momentum. Clubbing blows and strikes leads to a rare, confident smile by Vader as well as a little dance. He’s in the MVP hunt.
-Sting avoids a superplex, but can’t capitalize. Sid blatantly calls a spot on a missed elbow and Bulldog gets the hot tag. He forces Sid down, but ultimately gets stomped down.
-Nice Samoan Drop by Vader for two and then a Vader Bomb makes Sting make the save. Sid and Sting brawl to the ramp. Vader goes to the top and we get the fucking VADERSAULT BABY. He hits it! Sting has to dive in from the ramp to make the save. Awesome moment. Eat your heart out, Max Smashmaster (I think he was on that show, but if not, I just alter the challenge to Chikara shows I attended.)
-The faces take a beating, but they are the good guys because they always survive and find a way.
WINNERS: The WCW Superpowers in 16:42 when Davey Boy Smith pins Big Van Vader with a crucifix pin
FINAL WORD: This is the happiest the crowd has been all night and I agree with them. That’s a standard, but good main event from the big stars of the company.
-The Vadersault is replayed and always impressive. Jesse and Tony try and recap the show as Vader runs by and slaps Schiavone’s back and throws a chair. He’s MVP for sure. The commentators stand out of his way and Jesse talks girls as they sign off.
THE LAST IMAGE: Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: Paul Orndorff almost went wire-to-wire, but his promo was enough of a stumble to let Big Van Vader slide in by doing big business, freaking out and being a once-in-a-lifetime big man athlete and character. This company is on his back right now.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Maxx Payne is so unimpressive in so many ways that it took me way too long to come up with what to say here. That about says it all.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The WCW Superpowers vs The Masters of the Powerbomb
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Johnny B Badd vs Maxx Payne
FINAL THOUGHTS: Yawn. That should really say it all, but I’ll elaborate briefly. This was just an unenthusiastic show with fairly pedestrian action and stakes. You can see the 1993 WCW doldrums set in here. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: The Narcissist Train pulls into the station. No, that’s not it. The Total Package Minivan arrives! Nope, still not right. Oh well, I’ll figure it out before SummerSlam 1993.