I don’t have any personal anecdotes from my childhood for today’s entry because my relationship with this show is very much impacted by my love of bad entertainment. It is a stalwart of WrestleCrap and it has been referenced in loving remembrance by yours truly and Rich Camillucci more times than I can count.
What I do have is the first show I watched entirely on Peacock. I referenced this new era in last week’s review and I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. To keep up tradition, I capture all of my live thoughts as I’m watching the show in any iteration. So, you will read later on that there are commercials with the version I have for the time being. That being said, I don’t mind it at all.
Many people are upset about the interface and lack of match chapters. I personally dislike the “season” breakdown for shows because it makes it difficult to find the right one. Besides that, it works. That’s about all I really need or expect from my wrestling streaming service.
There was a time when I had this alongside Ernest Rides Again on a tape. It’s much easier nowadays and I can’t complain.
I will say that I might prefer to bust that tape out and watch Ernest Rides Again instead now.
It’s funny how these things work out sometimes as this is posting one day before the first night of WrestleMania 37. I have a feeling that I will want to watch an Ernest movie after that show as well.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 59: WWF WRESTLEMANIA IX
Written on 3/31/21
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: A CGI version of Caesar’s Palace and shots of wrestling against the fake building. Gorilla Monsoon is the host for the world’s largest toga party. He could get used to it. Now, it’s another first: Jim Ross! He could get used to the sandals as well and tries to crack jokes with the Centurions next to him. That’s more give and take than he ever gave Jesse Ventura. You can tell he’s excited as fuck and doing a great job previewing the show as the early MVP. It’s crazy hearing him build up Hulk Hogan after shitting on him previously. I’ve always loved the Roman look and outside vibe of it all. The Coliseum vibe needs to come back.
-Finkus Maximus introduces the same fucking Caesar and Cleopatra from the Royal Rumble out on an elephant. Another LVP for Julius. Hearing JR talking about Hannibal and pachyderms like his collegiate states is something. The elephant plays to the crowd and they take a lap as Macho Man is announced to a great pop. He’s carried out and accompanied by “vestal virgins.” Here’s a Stephanie McMahon joke for you. It was supposed to be Bobby on the sedan apparently. It’s such a pimp look, but it’s still sad that he won the WWF Title last year and he’s commentating now. He poses in the ring and joins Ross while complimenting the grapes and the chicks.
-Then, Bobby Heenan is introduced to boos and he appears backwards on a camel. “STOP THIS CAMEL!” What a genius. I can’t say MVP enough. He’s hilarious as Savage makes fun. Bobby threatens to backhand an emu as he passes by. He takes a spill and Macho lifts his toga up to show his blue underwear with a thumbs up.
-Bobby complains about the camel’s smell and getting switched out with Savage as the former champ hypes the show in such broad strokes. Some of his phrases: “do the thing” and “blast from the past!”
-It’s finally match time as the male version of Sexy Boy plays leading Shawn Michaels in all his glory to the ring. Luna Vachon trails behind and Bobby points her out and gives her credentials. JR and Macho call her “what” and Brain says she’s won Ms. Ontario. That contest’s nature is questioned. JR tells Bobby he smells as Tatanka runs out very excited. Sensational Sherri walks behind him as well. HBK takes his sweet time as usual removing his jewelry and extras. A nice, wide shot of the crowd makes JR claim 16K+ are in attendance and it doesn’t look like it. It looks cool nevertheless.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: IC TITLE MATCH- Tatanka w/Sensational Sherri vs Shawn Michaels (Champ) w/Luna Vachon
-Randy calls Luna a virgin, but for a different reason as JR mentions Tatanka has beaten Shawn twice lately. Savage is still speaking very generally and Bobby calls Ross “Oklahoma Man.”
-Tatanka avoids further headlocks with a belly-to-back and a big chop. Then, he catches the champ off the top in mid-air with an arm drag. A hellacious bump from a chop off the apron by HBK as the women stare each other down as this one really gets going.
-A top rope sunset flip can’t fully be completed by Michaels, but he still manages a roll up for two on the side. I’m not sure who that botch was on. More loud chops by the face and the ropes are just as loud. Tatanka hits a transitional DDT.
-Sigh…Randy Savage is an LVP just from saying “doing the thing” over and over when making long winded points.
-Shawn’s injured shoulder is worked on and he sells a clothesline that he delivers. He hits the post hard afterwards and bounces backwards. He’s building an MVP case for himself as well.
-Bobby is still complaining about riding the camel and threatens to be worse than ever this year. Funny line. Tatanka hits a shoulder breaker and a top rope chop before getting caught with Sweet Chin Music in mid-air on a second chop attempt.
-Sherri prevents Luna from approaching Tatanka as a Sherri chant starts and Shawn hits a great, running clothesline off the apron.
-Good series of offensive moves and two counts. Everything I say about Nick Patrick, I feel the opposite for Joey Marella. He’s great.
-Vince has to be in Savage’s ear on a “what a maneuver” from a flying arm bar in the corner. Shawn tries a victory roll follow up, but takes an Electric Chair for a close call. Macho is obsessed with fractional counts as he claims that last one was “2 and 99/100th.”
-Axe handles are no sold as the war dance starts and the crowd gets behind him before more huge chops. Another oversell by Michaels on one and a cross body for another good false finish. Shawn is the best at kick outs. He has yet another one on a roll up after a sling shot.
-Tatanka plants Shawn with a catching powerslam off the top and Michaels deserves a timing medal. Randy complains the count was too slow.
-Shawn tries a dive off the apron and hits the steps and apron with his head. He gets up and trips the ref, dragging him to the floor. Back inside, Tatanka hits Papoose to Go and the bell rings to boos.
WINNER: Tatanka at 18:16 by DQ
-The official word is given and it still gets a pop as Tatanka is upset. Shawn slowly rolls out with his belt.
FINAL WORD: That’s about as good of an opener as you can ask for on a Mania with this type of reputation. Let’s just go home, huh?
-Sherri claps as Tatanka celebrates and Luna nails her with a clothesline and a slam on the floor. Tatanka makes the save and Sherri writhes in pain and gets helped to her feet as Bobby calls her a bimbo. Macho Man: “What a bad ending to a good match!” Are we shooting now?
-Mean Gene is backstage with…a State Farm commercial. I may pay $5 more at the end of this promotion. Okay, NOW Mean Gene is backstage with a Caesar statue and the Steiner Brothers. The Fab Five’s run in the NCAA Tournament is put over and Scott doesn’t mess a word up in his promo despite some close calls. Rick wraps it up and the Headshrinkers are in the ring with some big sticks. Savage says Gene looked stupid, but not as much as Heenan. The Steiners enter and Scott constantly has the sun in his eyes. I love that checkerboard singlet. JR drops his first “slobberknocker” and Bobby thinks it’s a waitress.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: The Headshrinkers w/Afa vs The Steiner Brothers
-Fatu yells nonsense at the crowd and starts versus Scott. In other words, it’s the ones still making towns for some reason.
-Bobby shits on the Michigan team thinking they are a team of high school brats not making any money. Fatu is turned inside out on a Steinerline.
-Rick tries to help with a double team and takes a big punch before both brothers are thrown to the floor. They reply with a double clothesline off the top rope in a great spot ending with their trademark taunt. Afa slams his charges’ heads together.
-JR announces that Sherri was attacked by Luna at the first aid station. Bobby’s response is “SUPER!”
-Samu takes a protected header into the post to big “ooohs” from the crowd. He still sells. Scott hits a Tiger Bomb and a dropkick before HOLY SHIT GETTING FUCKING KILLED. Scott is thrown over the top rope in the most amazing and vicious way.
-Insult to injury with a LOUD cane shot to the back from Afa! My poor boy!!! Then, Fatu delivers a one-armed slam on the floor.
-Is Randy Savage from Minnesota because he says “Dontcha know” a lot? Is his shoot last name actually Gunderson? Let’s try a Fargo reference challenge (the movie specifically because I haven’t seen the show.)
-Rick tries to help his brother on the floor, but ends up hurting by distracting the ref and letting Scott get thrown into the post.
-Fatu’s head gets thrown into the mat and he no sells and superkicks Scott to remain on offense. Samu hits a surprising dropkick.
-“Steiner” chant as Bobby has his WCW clock on as he claims Scott has been beaten up for 15 minutes while we are 10 minutes into the match.
-So many Oklahoma disses and then a huge tongue-in-cheek joke about Bill Clinton and Arkansas as Samu misses a top rope dive from 10,000 feet according to Savage.
-Hot tag to Rick and he unleashes big back drops, slams and Steinerlines. Afa gets on the apron and Rick tries a double noggin knocker, but takes a double headbutt instead. Then, a double Skull Crushing Finale by the Samoans. There’s a lot of heel offense here.
-The heels try a Doomsday Device, but Rick amazingly CATCHES the attempt with a belly-to-belly. He’s tried it before, but he really nailed it here albeit for a two count.
-Scott tags back in for a belly-to-belly of his own, but eats another superkick.
-The problem with Scott’s big move is some guys just can’t take it right.
WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers in 14:18 when Scott Steiner pins Samu with the Frankensteiner
-Bobby wants a replay and JR says no which probably came from Kevin Dunn in the truck because of the botch.
FINAL WORD: That was a good tag match that would have been great with more Steiner offense.
-An odd edit before that Caesar bust is shown painted like Doink complete with wig. Doink laughs next to Mean Gene, who complains about his cruel pranks on kids and attack on Crush. A clip of the attack with the loaded arm on Superstars is shown setting this match up. Back to Matt Borne laughing and crushing it (pun intended). It gets serious randomly when Gene mentions that he must pay and Doink claims Crush will have double vision.
-These State Farm commercials are good for letting me catch up on my notes. A WrestleMania 37 commercial plays as well.
-Bobby is laughing live and JR chastises him as the strums of Crush’s air guitar plays. Macho says “Shaka, Brah” and the big Hawaiian enters to a fine reaction and all kinds of smiles. More Oklahoma ribbing before the clown music leading into the devious music of Doink brings the laughing, but scary as fuck, painted one out. God, I miss this gimmick. Bobby is always great claiming that he knows something about him. I wonder if Borne was ever planned to be revealed as the character. Crush chases him on the floor after a taunt.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Crush vs Doink the Clown
-Doink takes a slam on the floor and a hard throw into the post. He’s selling like a chickenshit heel, begging off in the ring and becoming an MVP candidate.
-Strikes are no sold on the floor and Crush gets madder as Savage continues to be very bad on the headset.
-Speaking of bad, Crush’s neckbreaker fits the bill. God, that outfit can be seen out of the corners of the eyes of a blind man.
-A vocal minority cheers Doink coming back with an attack consisting of top rope punches and giggles.
-Slow and low piledriver by Doink as his paint has started to fade away.
-Doink shows strength with a slam, but eats a foot on a top rope attack. Then, a catching mid-air powerslam and clothesline over the top. Doink tries to go under the ring, but is brought back inside with a press slam.
-The Cranium Crunch is called for and applied, but Doink back elbows the ref and returns to the floor. Crush stops him again and hits an awful spin kick before reapplying his finish.
-Then, another Doink appears with a loaded arm! Double Doinks! Crush eats two shots to the face and the head UNPROTECTED with the foreign object. Bobby claims batteries came out. The two Doinks face off and we get the epic Doink spot. It’s the best and Bobby calls it an illusion as Macho is shocked.
WINNER: Doink at 8:29 with a loaded arm shot to the face
-The finish gets a pop and fuck Hulk Hogan for not following this momentum up because Doink is a made man here. He’s so happy, then turns crazy immediately before laughing again.
FINAL WORD: Some hate it, but they can all get squirted in the face with a flower.
-Bill Alfonso (DADDY) coes out to explain the two Doinks to Joey Marella, but they look under the ring and can’t find the extra one. Crush slowly gets up and leaves.
-At least switch these commercials up! Finally! L’Oreal for the win!
-Oh no, Todd Pettengill is here! He is an immediate LVP as he wears a backwards hat, sunglasses and a toga. He interviews two Japanese photographers about the double Doinks. One can’t speak English and the other just laughs. Pettengill is in the “Uecker” seats. This fucking guy…and this is only his FIRST appearance! Macho Man makes fun of him as “not Columbo.”
-Razor Ramon enters and throws some hair grease onto a kid in the front row. He’s so cool. Bobby thinks Doink is David Copperfield. Bob Backlund enters to no music, a USA jacket and zero pop again. That’s a shame. Bob Backlund always bets on black at the roulette table because he’s an alliteration fan.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Razor Ramon vs Bob Backlund
-Razor throws the toothpick at the bell in response to a handshake request. A “Razor” chant starts. Poor Bob.
-Sherri has been taken to a medical facility and Raymond Rougeau is talking to Doink on the hotline. The announcers are talking about anything but the match. Bob trips Razor twice and makes really dumb noises while dancing like a goof.
-Heenan relies on Mayberry jokes, but gives Backlund credit for being in good shape for his age as Ramon stiffly punches away.
-Savage mentions Lex Luger knocking out Bret Hart at the WrestleMania breakfast. That’s such a silly concept. Backlund starts a very sloppy comeback complete with dropkick, bad hip toss, butterfly suplex and delayed atomic drop.
-You have to love beating the wrestler with wrestling.
WINNER: Razor Ramon at 3:45 with a small package
-Razor claims that it was “one more for the bad guy” after the bell. That’s cool to hear, but still no consolation between the two stars of the Royal Rumble event.
FINAL WORD: I’d rather watch a debate between the two than a match. Four straight matches of diminishing returns.
-Mean Gene is with Money Inc. and thinks their tag titles are in trouble against Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake. The first ever Raw recap on PPV shows Jimmy Hart begging IRS not to hit Brutus’ surgically repaired face with the briefcase. He gets thrown to the floor and Beefcake eats an UNPROTECTED shot to the face as DiBiase holds him. Jimmy runs in to help. DiBiase cuts his usual good promo but messes up a couple of words while getting lost in a Vegas analogy. IRS calls them “Mega Morons” and bores me as usual. They talk about Hogan’s “gym accident” prior to the event and claim his face looks worse than Beefcake’s now.
-Some prescription medication commercial before Hulk Hogan going on fifth at a WrestleMania. Money Inc. still enters first and Vladimir made the trip! He’s flexing and happy near the front as the heels enter the ring. Real American plays and some weird red and yellow smoke appears at the entrance for Brutus Beefcake in a stupid mask and Hulk Hogan’s disgusting eye. When Jimmy Hart looks normal, you have a problem.
-Savage claims there “must have been a cheap shot” on Hogan and I still think he did it. Hulk Hogan looks worse than Steve Buscemi after the failed ransom handoff (and we have one more reference to go). Ross puts the ovation over, but I honestly expected more. Big double point as the heels jumps them before the bell. The theme continues and the faces gets the advantage almost immediately and throw the champs over the top rope. The post-match posing occurs pre-match and the crowd is finally as loud as you’d expect.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: WWF TAG TITLE MATCH- The Mega Maniacs w/Jimmy Hart vs Money Inc. (Champs)
-Hogan’s face dominates the conversation and Heenan seems to know what’s up. Man, that eye is bad. It probably was an actual jet ski accident unless Randy Savage is Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali combined.
-The first lock up between IRS and Brutus occurs at 90 seconds and the heels start a double team immediately. God, Brutus Bitchcake is more like it.
-This match jumped into its halfway point right away. Ted hurts his hands on a double axe to the ridiculous “titanium steel” mask. Brutus also no sells the head into the buckle. Ted is working extra as usual.
-Hulk tags in and does the ten punches in the corner and almost punches Earl Hebner. More punches before tagging out and hitting a double big boot with his partner.
-I’ve never seen a dropdown, evasion and eye poke with such minimal effort as the heels are both on the floor and look to leave like WrestleMania VIII. They get to the curtain basically and the ref is not counting and the faces don’t follow.
-Fink announces that the ref has decided Money Inc. will be stripped of the titles if they don’t return to the ring. Heenan is rightfully livid and calls out the changing rules. Why does the ref even have that authority?!?! They naturally run back before the ten count.
-Hulk gets choked by the heels with the tag rope and his facial expressions/body language just aren’t there. He’s an LVP.
-The Million Dollar Dream is applied for a painstakingly long time. Close ups show how poorly Hogan is selling it. Macho claims people are hanging from the rafters…pause…then says there’s no rafters, but there’s columns and people are hanging off of them. Randy…god damn it. Hulk almost passed you as LVP.
-Hulk gets up, but put back down with the Dream. IRS distracts the ref and Beefcake runs in to put DiBiase in the sleeper. Both men are down without movement. The ref counts to nine and Hogan sits up like Undertaker. What a dick. Randy calls it out, too.
-Double tag and Beefer is a house of fire. He hits the future bad pun of a high knee on IRS and an atomic drop complete with an epic Ted sell. He hits the ropes and takes the Haliburton to the back. The heels are back in control.
-DiBiase finally succeeds in removing the mask and the face commentators don’t want to watch as the punches start hitting his face. Brain says it sounds like a hardware store and you can hang magnets off his face.
-Double clothesline and no tag as Brutus applies the sleeper on IRS. Hulk distracts the ref and Ted axes the pile into the ref for a bump.
-Both men now tag out, but the ref is still down. Hogan goes straight to his usual sequence and uses the mask to hit both heels. Both faces make a pin and Hart tries to wake the ref up. It doesn’t work, so he turns his jacket inside out to reveal referee stripes. He counts three and hands the faces the belt. OMG WTF SMDH!!!
-Another ref runs out and raises the hands of…
WINNERS: Money Inc. at 18:25 by DQ
FINAL WORD: That booking had titanium steel with protective overbooking. It also had titanium levels of BS.
-The mask shots were seen, but the briefcase shots weren’t?!?! The faces threaten former crooked ref Danny Davis after the bell and the heels jump them again, but get forced out. Jimmy throws Davis out himself in the first time for him ever dominating anybody or anything. The Mega Maniacs celebrate losing like goofs. Beefcake struts and Hulk waves it off and tries to leave. The Barber stops him and makes him strut and pose. My face is hot with anger. There’s more coming. Hogan rudely moves the camera for some reason while posing with a cocky look on his face. He’s acting like such a dick. The commentators are on camera briefly and show Macho pretending to be happy briefly as the posing CONTINUES. JR feigns this being an amazing and never before seen experience. This is the guy who called the Flair/Steamboat trilogy. Hulk grabs the briefcase as JR was about to send it to Pettengill. Inside the case is a brick, some paperwork and a lot of cash. Hulk thrusts with the money in his hand and I’m going to use that GIF all the time now.
-The crowd is going crazy trying to get repaid for this horse shit. No kidding: Hulk just drops the money in the ring and goes back to posing instead of passing it out. What a heel. He finally hands some out to the front row as Bobby tries to beg and get some cash.
-Todd Pettengill is with Natalie Cole in the crowd as Real American has started over. He asks her if she got any money twice and says he can’t wait for her next project before thanking her for being in attendance and moving on. Then, the CEO of Caesar’s gets interviewed and he speaks more than a Gramym winning songstress. He talks about the history of events at the Palace, the energy and GET OFF THE SCREEN. You’re not running for office, dude! Todd asks for a deal on his room and this guy talks even more. Todd cuts him off by just hugging him. This might be the worst ten-minute stretch in Mania history.
-Another commercial before Mean Gene interviews Mr. Perfect after a weird craps table joke. The Narcissist’s loaded forearm is discussed and Hennig’s singlet is already soaking wet for some reason. Lex is called a knockout artist and now I want to see him work Chris Hero. Perfect claims he’s been hot on the tables and hit a hole in one before epically botching his opponent’s name. “Lexorcist Lark…I’m gonna go do it!” Gene tries to help to no real avail.
-The Narcissist music hits and Heenan asks for quiet. Lex enters with some chesty girls. JR sees a couple of things he likes. He’s Jerry Lawler before Jerry Lawler. Savage lets out an “OH BABY” as the girls get into the ring with their thongs. JR says there’s dozens of rodeos in OK, but never anything like this. We get it, the women look good! It says everything about the gimmick and Luger that he gets none of the attention here. Bobby finally remembers and the girls lift mirrors up as Narcissist poses with some AEW Exploding Barbed Wire sparklers shoot out of them. The girls get a good reaction leaving.
-Mr. Perfect walks out to a good pop. One girl touches him on the way out and he doesn’t seem happy about it. He throws his towel behind his back at his opponent before the bell.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: The Narcissist Lex Luger vs Mr. Perfect
-Wrist locks are traded as Heenan is still complaining about smelling. Go-behinds are traded as well. Each time, they stagger around each other in between like they don’t know what’s happening next.
-Belly slap, knee lift and a dropkick after some speed sends Luger to the floor.
-Bobby declines a polygraph invitation over Narcissist’s loaded forearm because he doesn’t have false teeth. Classic Lex overexaggerated selling on a leg trip and follow-up attacks.
-CHOP CITY with two gunshot sounds by Perfect as Heenan is upset Savage compared Muhammad Ali to his charge. The commentators bicker and more Oklahoma jokes follow after a hard Irish whip by the heel.
-Pointed elbow drop and focus on the back by Lex before a weird corner spot and a cheating school boy caught by the ref. Nice powerslam for two.
-Curt gets good elevation on a sunset flip and Narcissist exaggeratedly bumps for it. The back and forth means more Lex shouting after a catapult into the corner. Heenan is more subdued over this matter compared to when Ric Flair was involved.
-Something is just off with a series of bad near falls. Perfect hits a sloppy missile dropkick. These two were probably out late partying.
-A backslide fight develops and the ropes are touched, but the ref doesn’t notice. They are not having a consistent evening.
WINNER: The Narcissist Lex Luger at 10:58 with a backslide
FINAL WORD: That had the chemistry of Jesse Pinkman in high school.
-A sneak attack forearm shot after the bell knocks Perfect out and the heel taunts over him before cockily leaving. Henning eventually gets up to applause and storms to the back. We follow him through the tunnel/tent and he attacks Luger talking to Shawn Michaels. Perfect throws him into some boxes before HBK blindsides him and throws a plastic trash can at his head UNPROTECTED. The edge of it specifically catches him good. Some kicks with cowboy boots before officials separate the two men. Savage gets to his feet and threatens Heenan as the crowd stirs over it. Vladimir is pumped behind them and JR just wants peace.
-Gorilla is still hosting AKA standing by the entrance previewing the final two matches before a Comcast commercial and Jeff Goldblum paying for this summer house with his stupid Apartments.com character.
-Fink introduces Giant Gonzalez. His music is just ominous rumbling. Harvey Wippleman walks in front of him and Giant looks terrible. That outfit does nothing for his figure. He poorly taunts the crowd before GONG. More smoke at the entrance and Paul Bearer walks out with Undertaker being pulled in a chariot complete with a vulture. I’m shocked Vince didn’t sign the two jacked gladiators pulling the chariot. The bird starts freaking out as the handler grabs it and Taker enters the ring.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: Giant Gonzalez w/Harvey Wippleman vs The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer
-The bell rings and Gonzalez just raises his arms a bunch. There’s finally a stare off and Taker no sells three roundhouse forearms.
-Taker punches his opponent and the sells are hilariously bad. A choke off leads to a blatant low blow in front of the ref.
-Old School and I have to make Giant an LVP with his facial expressions and body language. Poor Mark Calaway. Giant throws a decent clothesline, but not a decent hip toss.
-Bobby calls JR “Willard Scott” when he mentions the weather. Is he still alive? He is! I looked that up while this reverse chinlock lasts two minutes.
-Macho thinks Gonzalez can palm the ring. It’s amazing that he charges back to the LVP lead every time he seems to fall back.
-Taker is thrown into the steel steps twice and the heel loves taunting the crowd. It might be the only thing he does okay.
-Headbutts lead to immediate sit ups. A slugfest of epic proportions leads to the worst staggering onto one knee of all time.
-Harvey gets on the apron and Taker grabs him. A cloth is thrown and Paul tries to help, but eats a headbutt. Giant wraps the cloth around Taker’s face as Bobby asks what the smell is. The ref calls for the bell after an eternity. Taker is out as the crowd half-heartedly boos and Giant celebrates.
-Officials come out to help. Why is Rene Goulet in a toga, but Pat Patterson isn’t? You know what? Never mind. A gurney comes down to help Taker. Yeah, that’s cool. Giant grabs Bill Alfonso and chokeslams him. Good bump, DADDY!
-Taker is wheeled out as there still hasn’t been an official decision announced. Gonzalez lumbers around as a Hogan chant starts. Just wait for Thunder in Paradise. GONG and Taker comes back out with his eyes in the back of his head. Bearer tries to stop him, but he returns with a flurry of strikes. A series of clotheslines hit until a leaping one slowly and awkwardly knocks the big guy down. Police escort Giant out as the official word is finally known. It’s our third DQ of the night.
WINNER: The Undertaker at 7:33 by DQ
FINAL WORD: I like to image that Michelle McCool puts this match on at home when arguing with her husband. It’s just the shits of all shits.
-Stark shift in tone as the Mania theme plays and Mean Gene thanks “Jimmy Ross” before previewing the main event. Yokozuna taking out Jim Duggan on Superstars with multiple Banzai Drops is played. That’s how you establish a heel! Last week, the contract is signed and Bret is beat down with a Banzai Drop as well. The oddsmakers have the champ as the underdog. Naturally, that means Hulk Hogan gets a promo. Gene asks about the eye and it’s no sold. Hulk just left Bret’s dressing room and he bundles his words like crazy before finally reinforcing the gym attack. He tries to put Bret over, but talks about Hulkamania instead. He issues a challenge to the winner and legit calls Yoko a “JAP”. EDIT THAT OUT, PEACOCK!!! LVP LVP LVP
-Pettengill is in the crowd again and makes fun of a child’s ears. The kid can’t answer where he’s from, so Todd makes a bad joke and pushes another kid aside to talk to two fuckbois. They have Motel 6 bedsheets on and fake a skirmish with a headbutt. It’s currently the third best match on the show. I’ve never had four bonafide LVP candidates like this before.
-What’s the point of a WrestleMania commercial on the service it’s going to stream off of?
-The commentators set the stage and Randy just shouts over JR, saying “get it on, let’s do it!” Bobby asks for a winner and they just take it to Finkus. End this. It’s like “earn this” in Saving Private Ryan, but for bad wrestling shows.
-Yokozuna’s music plays and there’s no pomp or pageantry, just Mr. Fuji leading his man to the ring while two non-Asian geishas wait for them. There’s no time to do anything before Bret Hart enters to a good reaction. I’ve always loved the all-pink singlet. My daughter is joining me to watch the main event and she asks if they are getting married. That would be a great swerve. She points out they aren’t wrestling, then laughs as Yoko removes his sarong and says “look at his booty!” My life is full circle now. Bobby makes a little joke about the Hart family and Ross sounds offended.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: WWF TITLE MATCH- Yokozuna w/Mr. Fuji vs Bret Hart (Champion)
-Bret charges with a Finn Balor-style shotgun dropkick and a flurry of punches at the bell before getting shoved off and run through by the massive challenger.
-Bret ties the beefy leg into the ropes, knocks Yoko down and catapult splashes him before a second rope elbow drop. Bret is doing all he can.
-Yoko hits a big leg drop and Bret sells it like he’s legit hurt so well. A USA chant starts.
-JR says Yoko will join Sadaharu Oh as a Japanese champion even though he’s a baseball legend. Bobby keeps talking about the sun setting. These guys are fading.
-Jillian: “why is he not wearing pants?” My family is obsessed with the bottom half of Rodney Anoa’i. Bret does a second rope leap and knocks him down from behind for two, but gets cut off with a superkick.
-“Oriental nerve hold” reapplied by Yokozuna. It’s also relied on too much.
-Back splash in the corner is missed and Hart hits an impressive second rope bulldog for two. A series of big kick out ensues. A series of clotheslines finally knocks the challenger down.
-Bret rips the turnbuckle pad off while holding onto the corner and Yokozuna gets thrown into it on a counter.
-The champ carefully and slowly manages to get the Sharpshooter on. Fuji takes his sweet time getting his baby powder…I mean salt…out.
WINNER: Yokozuna at 8:57 to win the title after Mr. Fuji threw salt in Bret Hart’s eyes.
-Bobby goes crazy as a heel has won the main event of WrestleMania for the first time. Right?
FINAL WORD: Give that at least five more minutes and it would be remembered as great. Or remembered at all before…
-Hulk Hogan is out instantly and Fuji already has a mic in his hand, taunting Hogan. Jillian keeps asking who Mr. Fuji is and even thinks it’s me? Hulk is called a yellow belly and challenged to a match right now. Fuji sweetens the pot FOR NO FUCKING REASON by putting the WWF Title match. That gets his attention and Bret, still selling blindness, tells him to go for it. I imagine he was kicking and screaming like William H. Macy caught in a hotel room over this idea (and the challenge is done.) Macho says ding ding as Hulk gets in the ring and I guess that counts because there’s no actual bell.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: WWF TITLE MATCH- Hulk Hogan vs Yokozuna (Champion) w/Mr. Fuji
-Yoko grabs Hulk right away and Fuji tries the salt throw, but Hulk moves. He punches the manager and Jillian says “oh no, Mr. Fuji!”
-Clothesline, leg drop, bull fucking shit.
WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 0:24 to win the title with a leg drop
-Heenan and JR trade incredulous reactions about what’s happening.
FINAL WORD: Jillian Mullet said it best: “hooray for the new wrestling!” She said it pretty monotone.
-Hogan says something about not messing with Mother Nature before making a face like he’s in a commercial as he poses EVEN MORE. God, fuck him to death.
-JR puts over the history of the title changing hands twice as Brain keeps asking what’s going on as pyro goes off over the ring and above the canopy. What a shit show. Bobby is still asking for clarification as JR signs off.
THE LAST IMAGE: A Wide Shot of the Arena
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: The legend of Mr. WrestleMania begins here and Shawn Michaels might rack these up based on what’s coming up. He is far and away the shining star of the event.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Randy Savage was horrid, but at a job he’s brand new at. The same can be said about Todd Pettengill begrudgingly. Giant Gonzalez is always bad…but Hulk Hogan ruined three matches, hurt the entire trajectory of the company and said a racial slur. It’s about time this happened, brother.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Tatanka vs Shawn Michaels
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Hulk Hogan vs Yokozuna
FINAL THOUGHTS: Look, I have a soft spot for shit and this show fits that spot like a glove. The start of it all isn’t bad at all, but it just descends into its reputation before you know it. It’s probably just as painful overall as WrestleMania IV because Hulk Hogan is a massive asshole and Vince is trying bad, wacky shit. People are miscast and it just doesn’t feel like a Mania. It’s a gimmick show and not the worst Mania, but I can confirm that it’s really close. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND (but still watch it for the experience.)
NEXT TIME: You thought Bob Backlund and Hulk Hogan were old news? WCW trots out enough legends to make Vince McMahon booking modern WrestleManias jealous with the first Slamboree.