This diary started back when Podswoggle.com was still a thing and we didn’t have an entire podcast network. Before I started going back and watching every PPV on the Network, I wrote funny articles about wrestling history and my own life and experiences. The introductions I’ve been doing lately are definitely inspired by this former trend and the 1993 Royal Rumble is a perfect example. I dedicated an entire feature to one miniscule moment from this show and I’d like to share an abridged version of it today before we get going because it summarizes my thoughts on this show: it brings me back to my wonderful childhood:
If you cannot tell by reading some of my articles, I am obsessed with analyzing moments in wrestling history and determining their importance and worth. It could be as significant as the Montreal Screwjob or as insignificant as Virgil winning the Million Dollar Championship; I love opening the annals and reflecting.
There is one moment permanently etched in my memory for as long as I live. I spoke about it on our podcast that covered the entire match in its entirety, but it bears repeating in this article, mostly because of the person that made it so memorable.
That person is my sibling, M.
Before I get into that particular moment, I must elaborate. I take great pride in my belief that I carry a lot of traits from them. I attribute my comedic timing to them, as nobody makes me laugh harder. One trait I am sure they would not like to take credit for is my love of wrestling.
They grew up in the Rock N Wrestling era and were a fan before I was even thought of. They had all the LJN figures I proceeded to ruin. My mother took them to a simulcast of the first WrestleMania. If they weren’t a wrestling fan, I probably never would have been a wrestling fan.
But, like so many people in this world, as they grew older, they fell out of touch with it. More poignantly, they started to really dislike it. However, besides an occasional “You still watch that crap…” they never really looked down on me for it.
When I was a child, they were going to college and staying out of the house, but would naturally pop in all the time. Inevitably, there would be times they would be over during pay-per-views and watched along with me. It always bred interesting moments. The moment that is forever imbedded in my cranium occurred during the 1993 Royal Rumble.
My sibling and some friends were hanging out and enjoying my mom’s awesome homemade fettuccine alfredo and watching the actual Rumble match itself. Like anyone that watches the 1993 Rumble, M was rooting on Bob Backlund, rolling their eyes at Damien DeMento and complaining about how stupid Giant Gonzalez’s outfit was.
Then, Yokozuna entered.
In…white…gear.
Everyone cackled at this fat faux Japanese man. He soon dominated the match and looked to be on the fast track to the main event of WrestleMania IX.
Sensing the match was in danger, all of the wrestlers in the ring ganged up on Yoko and attempted to eliminate him. Naturally, Yoko’s low center of gravity made that task difficult.
That led to Yokozuna’s enormous ass to protrude through the ring ropes.
In…white…gear.
You could see every bump, dump, truck, thump, hump and Thwomp.
To this day, I have never personally seen M laugh any harder. Tears were seemingly streaming down their face as they couldn’t stop pointing at the most gluteus of maximuses.
Every time I watch the 1993 Rumble, that image makes me smile from ear to ear, which is insanely gross and creepy and endearing. Hell, when I see anybody overweight in unfortunate pants, I laugh because I have the image of M rolling.
(In all seriousness, though, Be a Star. Don’t laugh at EVERY fat person there is.)
It may be a tiny snippet in the history of wrestling, but it is huge for me because it is the one wrestling moment we shared that will live forever.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 57: WWF ROYAL RUMBLE 1993
Written on 3/17/2021
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: The classic Royal Rumble logo and the live crowd in Sacramento’s ARCO Arena. Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan are sitting in the rafters for some reason. This may be their last time on PPV together? I’m depressed now. Gorilla previews the show and Bobby asks about Narcissus being unveiled. Enough of that as one Beverly theme plays, then the other one starts. There is an odd edit, too. Maybe it’s a rights issue? The Brothers enter sans the Genius. God, I love their tights and capes. Someone get me that for Christmas. Then…it happens…my BOY Scott Steiner makes his WWF debut alongside his brother. I always liked their theme up north. They rush to the ring to taunt and Fink bails without saying their name. Bobby makes fun of him and finishes his job for him.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: The Beverly Brothers vs The Steiner Brothers
-Bobby Heenan is the first MVP again by asking why Rick is wearing earmuffs and claiming someone must have kicked his butt if he has cauliflower ears. Gorilla has already threatened him. Now I’m sad this is the end.
-Scott and Beau start AKA the clean-shaven duo. It’s been claimed that it was pitched for Scott to debut in the Rumble match as a surprise and win the whole thing to fight Bret Hart at WrestleMania, but he didn’t want to leave his brother behind. What a great and crazy guy.
-Gorilla previews the card again and Bobby mentions Narcissus every time as Scott saves a potentially botched tilt-a-whirl slam.
-Rick vs Blake now and Rick pushes Beau off the apron just for fun. It’s a little weird to see the Steiners in a WWF-style tag match. There’s definitely a difference. The two men trade powerslams.
-Great overhead belly-to-belly suplex to a big pop as Bobby puts them over for their strength. Gorilla says he’s glad he’s retired. A Tiger Suplex attempt is stopped and the heels take over.
-Stu and Helen Hart are in the front row wasting perfectly good seats.
-Scott does push-ups in a Boston Crab, but eats an elbow to stay on the defense.
-The hot tag is cut off, but the Tiger Suplex is finally hit to get the tag. Rick hits a huge backdrop and then a German Suplex RIGHT on Blake’s neck. Big ouch.
-Stereo Steinerlines and Rick tags Scott back in on a dish out.
-The heels go for a Doomsday Device, but Scott ducks with a roll-up for two. Beau gets dropped to the floor and Blake takes ALL OF THAT ONE as evident by the pop from the crowd.
WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers in 10:46 when Scott Steiner pins Blake Beverly with a Frankensteiner
-That’s the best move of all time with the best team of all time. The Brain Scan breaks down the heels messing up on the Doomsday and Bobby complains about the clip not playing properly.
FINAL WORD: That was an excellent WWF PPV debut for the Steiner Brothers. That might be the peak sadly.
-Bobby and Gorilla preview the Intercontinental Title match. Whose Diet Coke is that? The video shows Rockers highlights from their glory days and the Barber Shop break up from one year ago. Jannetty cowardly jumps out of the window and then jumps the barricade months later and appears behind Shawn in the mirror in a great moment. He destroys Shawn and grabs the mirror from Sherri. She begs him and HBK pulls her in and she takes a gimmicked mirror to the FACE UNPROTECTED. It’s so gnarly, I almost don’t notice Marty’s terrible Guns N Roses shirt.
Back live and Fink announces Sherri in her return. She still gets booed and looks very sad in her Scarlett O’Hara dress. The Rockers music plays for Marty Jannetty in the worst goddamn white and black frills I’ve ever seen. He looks like a house TP’ed on Halloween.
-Sherri’s version of Sexy Boy is still a thing as Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring. He mouths the words and has loud, gold chaps. He is so cocky and cool with the blue, leather championship. Gorilla calls him the wrestler of the 90s. He invites Sherri in and she just stares daggers at him. He takes him time taking his jewelry and vest off as Bobby points it out as being smart and making the challenger wait.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: IC TITLE MATCH- Marty Jannetty vs Shawn Michaels (Champion)
-Shawn jaws at Marty and gets a push and punch to start. He has a shiner on his eye before the match even begins. Did he run into more Marines at the bar the night before? He sells his ass off for the face’s offense early, going in and out of the ring twice already. He’s in MVP territory.
-Marty dives through the ropes and the crowd are being respectful, but not red hot like I’d expect. Michaels does a 360 from a punch on the apron. From the top, Jannetty gets caught and thrown shoulder first into the post.
-Is he selling the wrong arm? Shawn hits it again to fix it. Rumors claim Marty is drunk in this match. He’s basically Lawrence Tierney being hammered while acting as Joe Cabot in Reservoir Dogs. Our reference challenge for today: minor characters in Quentin Tarantino movies!
-Monsoon says Jannetty is looking to make sure a bone is not sticking through on his clavicle. It was just a body slam on the floor!
-There’s a Headlock on Hunger banner in the rafters. I sadly think hunger battled out of that rest hold and won the match there.
-Bobby claims he sees Sherri smiling and Gorilla doesn’t see it and asks what’s he’s looking at as Marty blocks a second rope attack with his foot up. Shawn’s shoulder gets sent into the post in a double down.
-Marty rallies with punches and a very odd-looking celebratory hulk up before getting dished to the floor. Then, he suplexes HBK from the ring to the floor from the apron. Sherri approaches, cries and slaps the shit out of Shawn to a huge ovation. Then, an amazingly close two count on a belly-to-back suplex.
-Shawn does a back flip in the corner out of the ring. Shawn is doing his damndest. A powerslam and another LVP level celebration from Marty before landing on his feet from a second rope fist drop attempt and hitting a DDT for another great near fall.
-YET ANOTHER close call on a superkick by Marty and one more for good measure on a slingshot and sunset flip.
-The ref gets bumped on an errant punch. The champ is in a full nelson and Sherri enters. He accidentally hits Marty with her heel. HBK puts his finger in her face while Brain encourages him to hit her. He picks Marty up and wins the match with his finish for the very first time.
WINNER: Shawn Michaels in 14:21 to retain the title with Sweet Chin Music
-Marty did a good twist on his sell even though it hit him in the chest.
FINAL WORD: That was the inverse Marty Jannetty of matches: the first half was disappointing, but the second half was great.
-Sherri is livid backstage as Mean Gene tries to get a word. Shawn’s eye looks awful. He runs backstage when he sees her on the big screen. Gene yells “damn it, settle down!” Michaels yells at her and Marty flies in for a quick brawl. Officials break it up as Gorilla and Bobby break down what’s going on.
-We aren’t messing around as “BAM BAM” hits the speakers for the return of Bam Bam Bigelow to mild boos. I love how ominous and simple this theme is. Hard Times for the Big Boss Man and he enters with his hand all taped up. He runs to the ring and there’s a LOT of female hair in the front row that likes him.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Bam Bam Bigelow vs Big Boss Man
-Bam jumps from behind at the bell and hits a splash in the corner.
-Boss Man is really getting his ass kicked early as Bobby says his mother’s goatee is thicker than her son’s.
-Boss Man clotheslines Bam Bam to the mat. He hits the ropes weird, but it’s effective. The crowd is full of kids based on both punch counts.
-Bigelow hits a belly-to-back, but misses a follow-up headbutt. He takes over until he’s backdropped over the top and hits his back against the apron HARD.
-Slow, plodding elbows to the back plus a backwards bearhug that Boss gets up from quickly, but eats a Stun Gun. Bigelow’s roar and ugly mug are on full display.
-Gorilla threatens to knock Heenan out as the bearhug is reapplied.
-Boss Man gives a sloppy, sideways suplex to get out, but Bam Bam is right up with a headbutt to the lower back.
-Boss ducks a running cross body and hits an impressive back drop. Bill Watts is sad that two of his UWF boys are here and not dealing with his BS.
-Bigelow gets his foot up in the corner to stop the face’s comeback, hits one clothesline and then shows off his amazing agility for the win.
WINNER: Bam Bam Bigelow in 10:10 with a top rope headbutt
-That had some impressive impact to it and that’s a clean win for the new monster heel over an established face who is on his way out.
FINAL WORD: That was nothing special in either a positive or negative way.
-Footage from WWF Mania of Razor Ramon murdering Owen Hart with a clothesline in a chair and a trash can during an interview with Raymond Rougeau. He taunts him about his dad. Then, Razor is interviewed the previous night in a skybox in the Arco during a Kings game. He’s got this character DOWN now. He’s approaching MVP range very quickly.
-The Fink introduces the WWF Title match and Razor appears in his red gear, cocky to the max. I love Howard rolling his r’s and the theme for the first time. Mean Gene interviews Bret Hart and it’s gotten personal. What the fuck is written on Bret’s glasses? If family is involved, Bret’s short promos are great. His theme gets a great pop and we see him from backstage enter with JJ Dillon at the gorilla position while Gorilla talks about Stu and Helen clapping in the front row. I’ve always liked that sign: “Bret Walks the Razor’s Edge” and it gets pointed out on commentary. Another underrated sign: “It Takes Excellence, Not Machismo.” Bobby thought the Harts were someone else, but it gets edited out. I watched two other versions and it’s still removed. It must have been really bad. Razor throws his toothpick at the fan who receives Bret’s glasses.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: WWF TITLE MATCH- Razor Ramon vs Bret Hart (Champion)
-Gorilla puts over Bret’s eight-year journey to the title compared to Razor getting his first shot in eight months. Razor misses a knee in the corner and Bret takes advantage.
-Figure Four early and Heenan doesn’t think he can get the big man in the Sharpshooter with those long legs. Ramon has trouble standing and sells the damage well.
-Razor Ramon looks like he’d be muscle for Michael Parks’ pimp character in Kill Bill Vol 2 and it would be equally as offensive (one more to go.)
-Hart gets whipped into the bottom of the post rib-first, then take two backbreakers and a slam into the post. The Bad Guy claps hard as if it’s over. It’s definitely on the MVP level.
-Helen can’t watch the best fallaway slam in the history of the business. I hope she shielded her eyes from that typical chest bump, too.
-Bret gets locked into a long abdominal stretch and Bobby says his parents can carry his bags for him. He turns it into one of his own before getting hip tossed out and Razor regains the advantage.
-Razor’s cockiness fits against the underdog Hitman so well. He also varies his submissions up to avoid redundancy (camel clutch, bear hug, etc.)
-Hart bites his way out of a bearhug and backdrops Ramon to the floor, then hits a great dive through the ropes.
-Ramon cuts Bret off on corner punches twice, but the face keeps swinging afterwards and takes him off of his feet.
-Bret launches into his five moves of doom, but again varies it as Razor moves before the diving elbow drop, but gets hit with a second rope clothesline instead.
-Scott Hall can’t grab the top rope to make the pull off of the ropes impressive as Bret tries to apply the Sharpshooter. He grabs Earl Hebner to break up the attempt, but Earl doesn’t really bump for it. That’s the second straight Bret Hart match he’s done that. Screwing him already.
-Bret flips out of a top rope belly-to-back beautifully and hits his own high angle version before eating a boot on another second rope elbow attempt.
-Razor’s Edge set up, but Bret squirms out with a backslide for a great two count. That was smooth as fuck.
-Helen Hart is an LVP just from her facial expressions alone and a lack of other candidates so far. Bret does an excellent sunset flip wrestling combo out of a test of strength for a near fall.
-I’m such a mark for the Sharpshooter getting applied from the ground. Its application here isn’t great, but Razor’s sell makes up for it.
WINNER: Bret Hart in 17:58 to retain the title with a Sharpshooter
FINAL WORD: That was a more well-rounded match than the IC Title because it told a better story and had moves that meant something. Bret feels like the champ now.
-Bret celebrates as so many middle-aged women are happy. Heenan leaves to prepare for Narcissus. He makes it down to the arena floor from a corridor. There’s a big silver curtain. Bobby gets a mic and puts over the amazing presence, barely getting his words out before announcing his man: LEX LUGER. It gets a pop and the graphic on the screen shows that he’s Narcissist, not Narcissus as Bobby has been saying. He’s like the Terminator, crouched down before standing and looking at himself in the mirror. Women shriek. You buy this to a certain point because you believe Lex believes all of this. This is the epitome of the Vince McMahon WBF reaction meme personified.
-Bobby tries so damn hard here and just repeats himself a lot. There’s a close up of titty bounces and thigh flexes and pec veins. The crowd is silent besides some random women yells and pictures being snapped. “Oh, you do love yourself. You have every right to love yourself” is an actual quote from Bobby Heenan.
-The posing music stops and it’s all about crash down even more with a Lex Luger promo. He claims he will be the most dominate and “mesamorphically” physical specimen. He never knows what camera to play towards. Bobby calls this the highlight of his career and better than the Clinton inauguration and the Elvis stamp. 1993!!! The curtain starts coming back down as the actual Narcissist theme plays. That was a swing and a MISS. It hurt the Brain’s MVP odds immensely because he floundered there.
-Fink announces Julius Caesar and Cleopatra because this show can’t get any nuttier than this specific chunk. Louie Spicolli as a gladiator leads out two stupid actors. The Caesar actor always pissed me off for some reason. Gorilla tries to put the pomp and pageantry over. Julius has a speech and the crowd catcalls and boos it. I can’t believe I might have to look up this actor because he’s an LVP candidate. Is splendiferous an actual word? There’s no squiggly line under it, so I guess it is. He’s so arrogant like he’s hot shit. I’m not putting his picture up now. “Let the games begin!” Fuck off.
-Bobby has rejoined Gorilla as the Rumble is previewed. All Bobby wants to discuss is Luger, asking “did I unveil him?!?!?” Gorilla brings Mr. Perfect up and Bobby laughs him off. “YES, I did it” is followed by “WILL YOU STOP?!?!”
-Fink introduces the man who drew number one: “OH NO!” RIC FLAIR IS NUMBER 1 and he appears to some laughs and Heenan isn’t as concerned because it’s only two spots away from last year. It’s random fact time (I make up a fact about every Rumble participant in every Rumble diary)! Ric Flair once tried to marry Shawn Kemp on a drunken binge. BOB BACKLUND IS NUMBER 2 and I would have capitalized and highlighted that even if it wasn’t the gimmick!!! He runs to the ring to absolutely no reaction at all and no music. That will change. Gorilla is excited. In honor of BOB BACKLUND, every Rumble fact will be related to him now. In case you aren’t aware, we’ve been doing Bob Backlund facts like SNL’s Bill Brasky for years on the Podswoggle podcast and I’ve been waiting for this moment. Bob Backlund eats a Milky Way before every glass of water he drinks.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: ROYAL RUMBLE FOR A WWF TITLE MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA IX
-Both men are in red trunks. Backlund is 43 years old here. That’s crazy. That’s Sheamus NOW. Technology and dieting, everybody! This is kind of legendary having these two squaring off here.
-Bob Backlund’s crazy dance! Gorilla bets neither man will be here at the end.
-Backlund has a delayed reaction on an eye poke before taking some chops and answering back with a delayed atomic drop. Flair flops.
-The timer is right on cue and PAPA SHANGO is NUMBER 3 in his first PPV match. Bob Backlund calls rap music “Papa Shango.”
-Papa goes after Bob and Shango is eliminated at 2:35 by Flair from behind. His push is dead, dead, dead.
-Gorilla puts over Bob’s strength and intestinal fortitude, Bobby calls him stupid and Monsoon points out his insanity since Perfect left him.
-TED DIBIASE is NUMBER 4 with Jimmy Hart. He’s back in black and looks good. Bob Backlund always borrows a stamp from Ted DiBiase when he sees him.
-Heels double team Bob as Bobby asks if it’s a crim to beat up the elderly and tells Opie to call for Pa. He’s back in the MVP hunt!
-WWF is still edited out in part here, but it seems to be only when Gorilla says it.
-BRIAN KNOBBS is NUMBER 5 to come help as Backlund is relieved. Speaking of which, Bob Backlund once relieved himself on purpose to exit a conversation with Knobbs. There’s a good false elimination on Flair as Bobby loses it.
-Ted goes to Pity City, but it’s still called the Pit Stop by Heenan. VIRGIL is NUMBER 6 and he still gets some fanfare by going right after DiBiase. Bob Backlund once gave Virgil advice on a game of Solitaire and it wasn’t taken, so he killed Virgil’s dog.
-Knobbs is eliminated at 9:01 by a DiBiase duck. The remaining four are paired off.
-JERRY LAWLER is NUMBER 7 and talk about legendary occurrence. This is his PPV debut and he’s wearing colorful, Rick Rude-like paint on his gear. Bob Backlund doesn’t understand why Lawler scowls when he says the number 62.
-Flair bails to the floor after a Lawler assault. Jerry is basically wrestling like a face, but he’s definitely a heel. I was debating a reoccurring Lawler tracker, but I don’t feel like making THAT many underaged jokes.
-MAX MOON is NUMBER 8 and he is an LVP candidate on looks alone. Please give me a Max Moon figure. He has a nice dropkick though. Bob Backlund thinks the moon is legitimately named Max.
-Konnan is a genius for getting out of this. Poor Paul Diamond. I mean, it’s better than Kato?
-There’s no real cohesion in some of the spots and action. It’s mostly Virgil being a mess by grabbing Lawler twice before he was going to deliver the punches he was looking to throw. Here’s your LVP, Virgil.
-Jerry Lawler dips his shoulder and Max Moon is eliminated at 14:03 trying a fancy move.
-TENRYU is NUMBER 9 and he gets totally confused stirring as a reaction from the fans. He chops the shit out of Flair, who answers back with his own, so Tenryu chops harder until Flair flops. Bob Backlund says “bless you” every time someone says Tenryu’s full name.
-Virgil struggles to be slung and remains the LVP. I hear the first “Bob” chant. He’s getting them while being in trouble in the corner courtesy of Lawler.
-MR PERFECT is NUMBER 10 and he enters via full sprint and a Heenan “OH MY GOD NO!!!” He gets a massive pop and unloads on Flair with chops, punches and kneelifts. Bob Backlund has a tattoo of Peter Perfect from Wacky Races.
-“RIIIIIIIIIIIC!” A rare case of Flair trying to come off the top in a Rumble, but he’s still CAUGHT and thrown off. All time record: 11 for 27 AKA 41%. Bobby insists Perfect just wants to injure Ric and Gorilla previews the career threatening match on Raw the next night and talks the potential ramifications.
-SKINNER is NUMBER 11 somehow employed and smiling really big for some reason. Bob Backlund wrote a spec script sequel to Thinner called Skinner.
-Ric Flair is eliminated at 18:40 by a Perfect clothesline to a huge ovation and a “NO NO NO damn it” by Heenan. There’s a really sustained roar for that elimination as Flair is livid and Gorilla wants payment on a bet.
-KOKO B WARE is NUMBER 12 and Bobby says “someone call a cab” like a legend. His run to the ring is hilarious. Bobby claims it’s crazy that anyone like Koko B Ware can win this. Bob Backlund loved Koko B Ware singing “Remember Me.”
-Gorilla calls him a pig skinner, but that’s wrong. After skinning the cat, Skinner is eliminated at 21:20 by a Perfect dropkick. Gorilla calls it perfect and Bobby wants to fight. Gorilla says he hopes so.
-SAMU is NUMBER 13 and Afa throws him into the ring by the hair. Bob Backlund is 1/32nd Samoan on his dad’s side.
-Backlund is so sweaty. Hennig chops Lawler so hard that it knocks Bob backwards. Backwards Backlund!
-Lawler hits a random DDT on Perfect as the crowd grows a little restless.
-THE BERZERKER is NUMBER 14 hussing like a goof. He hits everyone once getting in the ring. Bob Backlund collects Viking helmets.
-Lawler is eliminated at 24:55 after a head of steam and a backdrop by Perfect. Ted blindsides Hennig and these two have crazy energy together as one tries to hang on and one tries to eliminate.
-In the foreground of everyone ganging up on Perfect, Virgil is eliminated at 25:14 by a Berzerker big boot. That’s the epitome of LVP right there. Gorilla points it out seconds later because his focus was on Mr. Perfect eliminated at 25:29 by Ted DiBiase, Koko B Ware and Jerry Lawler from the floor. The crowd is really let down as am I.
-The next entrant is coming out already and THE UNDERTAKER is NUMBER 15. This is paced weird. He gets a massive reaction and Lawler gets spooked by him. Gorilla calls him the odds-on favorite. Bob Backlund thinks Wrestlers’ Court is on TV like Night Court.
-Backlund is thrown through the ropes and Berzerker hits him with two chair shots to the back and a body slam on the floor. He needed a break.
-Samu is eliminated at 27:08 by a Taker chokeslam. Koko impressively hits a missile dropkick. There’s too much action now. After trying some chops, Tenryu is eliminated at 27:30 by an Undertaker backdrop.
-Backlund is shown selling death on the floor and Heenan thinks he’s out. Gorilla yells at him. Again, Bob really needed this breather.
-TERRY TAYLOR is NUMBER 16 and now he’s “terrific.” He’s blonde again and even worse off than WCW 1992 somehow. Bob Backlund thinks all Taylors are tailors.
-Koko B Ware and Terry Taylor are eliminated at 28:48 by Ted Dibiase as they brawl against the ropes. Ted immediately takes a chokeslam. DiBiase is eliminated at 29:07 by Undertaker as the crowd buzzes. Heenan yells “OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?!?!” That’s the debut of Giant Gonzalez alongside Harvey Wippleman, baby!
-Berzerker is eliminated at 29:43 by Taker as Giant gets in the ring. Who fucking approved that outfit? HOW MANY PEOPLE HAD TO SEE THAT AND NOT SAY SOMETHING?!?!?!
-DAMIEN DEMENTO is NUMBER 17 and he’s not even shown as the big men face off. Bob Backlund thinks DeMento is actually invisible. He’s not shown because Undertaker is eliminated at 30:52 after two chops from Gonzalez. The manhandling continues with chops and headbutts. Taker does the Foley bump over the steel steps as well.
-This is the best the former El Gigante has ever looked and Undertaker deserves almost all of the credit for it. He takes a chokeslam and Giant looks like an evil beast. If he had a better outfit, we may be in business here. Like the Gobbledy Gooker, I have to give this LVP consideration for looks alone, but not really on performance surprisingly.
-IRS is NUMBER 18 and he is in no hurry as Giant throws Taker’s legs into the post and talks trash in broken English. Officials finally remove him as the three legal men get in the ring. Bob Backlund thinks IRS is the man who helped Brad get Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase (and the challenge is done).
-Taker tries to sit up, but can’t as TATANKA is NUMBER 19 to help Bob. Bob Backlund painted his hair red for Labor Day once. Paul Bearer arrives with the urn to help Taker sit up. He’s so hurt and Bobby is great at putting the situation over. He finally limps to the back. Was he so damaged because he didn’t have Paul and the urn there?
-Things settle as the height of Gonzalez is debated between eight and 20 feet. His motives are also discussed and assumed it’s because Kamala was ruined for Harvey.
-JERRY SAGS is NUMBER 20. Like Rich Camillucci and I, Bob Backlund always takes a shot for Jerry Sags.
-Heenan claims IRS’ tongue is being pulled again and that Gorilla will be audited. Gorilla says “I hope so!” What?
-Bob Backlund is still in there!!!! He’s making funny noises and halfway to Flair’s record.
-DeMento makes a weird face and gives a thumbs up to someone in the crowd as he avoids elimination. He’s an odd bird I’m not wasting any time thinking about.
-TYPHOON is NUMBER 21 and Bobby calls him “Tugboat, Typhoon or Buffoon.” Bob Backlund avoid Typhoon at all costs because it doesn’t agree with his stomach.
-Every fan favorite realistic winner is gone or has had some weird arc. The crowd is mostly quiet now except for when Typhoon roughly throws DeMento down.
--FATU is NUMBER 22 and Gorilla emphasizes FAT. Afa slaps him a few times before throwing him in the ring. Bob Backlund enrolled his son at FATU because of their water polo team.
-Heenan calls Tatanka “Tonto” as the heels dominate the faces. Backlund delivers a good double noggin knocker to a good reaction. He has them!
-EARTHQUAKE is NUMBER 23 and Bobby says “poor IRS.” Instead, Quake goes right for Typhoon to gasps from the crowd. It makes sense, I guess? Bob Backlund never beat Earthquake at dominoes.
-Typhooon is eliminated at 43:52 by a corner shoulder dip by Quake alongside some smorgasbord jokes.
-CARLOS COLON is NUMBER 24 and you can hear the “who” asked in the crowd. Gorilla famously calls him a youngster even though he’s two years older than Bob Backlund here. Speaking of which, Bob Backlund knows Carlos Colon set Bruiser Brody up and won’t work in Puerto Rico because of it.
-Colon’s punches are the shits, but it works to eliminated Damien DeMento at 46:03. The crowd is not chanting “BOB” and get scared when Earthquake tries to throw him out and applaud when he survives. The Iron Man in the Rumble works because he’s an MVP candidate.
-EL MATADOR is NUMBER 25 and Bobby puts over his conditioning. Bob Backlund uses Tito Santana’s conditioner.
-Fatu is eliminated at 47:21 by Backlund and the crowd applauds again. The commentators missed it. Tito tries to eliminate Backlund, but he survives.
-Bobby claims Backlund has been in the match so long that his shoes were up to his knees when it started. “WE WANT BOB” chant. FUCK YEAH. There’s a great close up of an exhausted Backlund.
-RICK MARTEL is NUMBER 26 and he goes right for Matador in the feud that will never end. How was there never a PPV blow off? Bob Backlund models Asics for extra income.
-IRS is eliminated at 49:36 by missing a big cross body on Quake and flying over the top.
-Brain calls Backlund a spider monkey as he survives another Matador attempt and the crowd is even louder. If not for him, this Rumble would be in big trouble right now. Heenan talks about putting his mother in a home under his breath.
-YOKOZUNA is NUMBER 27 and the mood changes. The crowd knows it and Monsson calls him the new favorite. He takes his robe off to reveal that ALL…WHITE…GEAR. Look at all of those dumps. Bob Backlund’s favorite gerbil is named Yoko because he hated the Beatles.
-Yoko still hasn’t been knocked off of his feet at this point and Tatanka is eliminated at 52:10 after a brief skirmish with the big man.
-Carlos Colon is eliminated at 52:28 by Yoko knocking him off the apron. He squares up with Earthquake and the crowd is down for it.
-OWEN HART is NUMBER 28 and he flies in from off camera as the fake sumo and the legit sumo face off. Quake staggers him and gets him into the corner, but his second splash attempt is dodged. Earthquake is eliminated at 53:58 by an impressive belly-to-belly. Bobby calls him the winner and the crowd seems to know it, too.
-Don’t think I forgot: Bob Backlund was once ribbed by Owen Hart into thinking he was the man that assassinated Jack Ruby.
-REPO MAN is NUMBER 29 clinging to a job with his gut as Matador sells poorly for Yoko. Gorilla thinks Martel is Colon and Heenan makes fun of him. Gorilla threatens to leave and Heenan says “no, wait, one more question.” Their rapport is the best. Bob Backlund repossessed his own home for the challenge.
-A group forms to try and get Yokozuna out. It receives a big ovation and BOOM, THERE IS THE ASS SHOT. I can hear my sister’s laugh immediately. One more time for good measure!
Heenan says it’s like 12 puppies at feeding time before Yoko fights them off. The crowd is terrified when Yoko gets his hands on Backlund.
-RANDY SAVAGE is NUMBER 30 to a great response. He goes right for Repo Man because they’ve been feuding over a hat. That’s how far Macho Man has dropped in just two months. Bob Backlund’s favorite Village People song is “Macho Man.” That was fun.
-El Matador is eliminated at 58:09 by Yokozuna. The action comes hot and heavy now as Jerry Sags is eliminated at 58:27 by an Owen Hart dropkick intended for Rick Martel.
-Owen Hart is eliminated at 58:57 and tears his knee completely out via a running start and Yokozuna.
-Repo Man is eliminated at 59:03 unceremoniously by Savage and we are down to four just like that.
-Yoko grounds Macho as Martel tries to propel Backlund out to desperate “NOOOOOOs” from the crowd.
-Backlund crotches him and Rick Martel is eliminated at 60:03. The crowd is rapturous and BACKLUND CAN SEE!!!! His eyes are wide and I want that man as my new father.
-Backlund goes right for Yokozuna and throws a fucking DROPKICK after wrestling one hour. Backlund gets a running start and Bob Backlund is eliminated at 61:16 by a Yokozuna sidestep and hip toss. Huge boos as Mr. Fuji comes down to cheer on his charge. Backlund gets a legit standing ovation leaving as the crowd tries to get behind Savage now.
-God, where is Yokozuna’s dick? There was a close up in that general area and I couldn’t help but wonder.
-Randy battles back with punches to stagger his rival against the ropes. He hits two top rope double axes and gets him down to one knee. The crowd is behind him and Yoko cuts them all down with a thrust kick to end the rally.
-Jesus, the impact on a Yokozuna belly-to-belly is insane. Macho puts everyone over so well. He sells death incredibly well.
-“USA” chants to try and get Macho back into it as Fuji calls for the end, but Yoko still punishes. He calls for one more back splash and Savage moves. Yoko sells leaving his feet beautifully, as if he’s grasping for air to hold him up, but he can’t. The flying elbow drop is hit, but Randy Savage goes for a fucking pin for some reason. No matter, Yokozuna can throw you out from the mat.
WINNER: Yokozuna at 66:41 by last eliminating Randy Savage
FINAL WORD: Such an odd Rumble. It’s so memorable, but then it’s not. I love it, but it doesn’t top a couple of the great undercard matches.
-There’s an odd audio edit as the crowd is upset, then turned down and immediately quiet as the Caesar music plays. I think that’s probably the issue. Julius and Cleo greet the winner as Savage struggles to his feet. Yokozuna walks back victoriously as Gorilla introduces some video highlights in still pictures. I thought it was the original 90s jazz music here, but I’m wrong because it’s dubbed for the final scene.
-Yokozuna is getting his pictures taken by the media and Bret Hart interrupts and gets in his face with the title belt. The original copy of this had Heenan asking Monsson if they are still on the air over and over. Instead, we fade to black.
THE LAST IMAGE: Bret Hart, Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: Bobby Heenan was amazing as always, but the Narcissist stuff really hurt him. I hate resting on the longevity crutch, but Bob Backlund ran out to crickets and left a goddamn hero. The Iron Man story is so easy and effective, but it takes the right guy to make it work. By the way, Iron Man is Bob Backlund’s ringtone.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Nobody really sucked on an obvious level beyond whomever made Giant Gonzalez’s gear. So, I think it’s just the destiny of Virgil to receive this for screwing up the things I noticed when he wrestled for 18 whole minutes.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Bret Hart vs Razor Ramon
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Bam Bam Bigelow vs Big Boss Man
FINAL THOUGHTS: It will never top 1992 for me because I’m insanely biased, but this may ultimately be a better overall show. The undercard is great and the many odd debuts make it kitschy and notable. It’s a shame the business is starting to be in the toilet because the product wasn’t totally there yet. Plus, the crowd was mostly happy. This is the 22 Jump Street of Royal Rumbles: a very good sequel that more people would love if the original wasn’t so damn excellent. MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: I don’t think Ric Flair beats Mr. Perfect tomorrow because he returns at WCW SuperBrawl III. There’s also a Bulldog and a castle about tiny hamburgers. 1993 is nutty.