Merry Christmas everyone!
That statement is probably going to be the happiest I am while typing about this show today.
I’m always analyzing the schedule in real time with the shows that will be “airing” to see if I can make any correlation for these increasingly difficult introductions. Sometimes, you can make the times of year make sense in this case. The fourth installment of In Your House takes place in Canada as winter approaches, so the season is already upon us. People aren’t necessarily in a festive mood.
This is one of the biggest “Card Subject to Change” shows, particularly for the WWF. Shawn Michaels’ infamous real-life run-in with some Marines and the Undertaker’s face getting squashed by King Mabel forced some pivots to an already weird event. Couple that with some very poor business and there is coal in the stocking of this show before it even begins.
That said, I’ve always been someone who extols the fun in the bad and kitschy. Maybe this show can spread some Christmas cheer despite it all.
Bah, Humbug!
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 94- WWF IN YOUR HOUSE 4
Written on 12/19/21
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: The In Your House logo on a banner hanging in the arena live before Joanie Wilson sings the Canadian national anthem. She’s bad and has a large mouth. I think this Canada things video playing is the same one from WrestleMania VI. It also resembles Soarin’ at Epcot (too early for a Walt Disney World reference challenge?) There’s some guy in the crowd who looks like the guy who killed John Lennon. Pyro and an ovation for the big finale of the song leads us into the title card. THEN, Gorilla Monsoon somberly announces Shawn Michaels being unable to compete and forfeiting his title to Dean Douglas. This is due to his concussion/being a total shithead around some Marines. Gorilla is really good and serious here. THEN, the In Your House theme plays while we see clips of people waiting around before the show? Man, this presentation is bad to start. Vince McMahon welcomes us and you can’t hear him over the pyro and crowd. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler join him once again.
-It’s Make a Difference Fatu! All of the 90s colors are in that one leather jacket. Nice BSK hoodie! He eventually gets the crowd clapping. Hunter Hearst Helmsley enters, now with a prestigious cane! A clip of him spraying perfume at Fatu on Superstars sets the tone. King and JR complain about the cold of Canada. Fatu gets the atomizer early and starts beating Hunter up right away.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: Fatu vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley
-HHH takes a BIG backdrop and his patented corner bump all while still wearing his riding gear. He’s our first MVP by bumping his ass off.
-The Samoan head is no sold. In fact, it leads to a dance by Fatu. His head gets stuck in the ropes and he’s beat up for a bit to turn the tide.
-Piledriver on the 300-pounder by Helmsley! I’ve never seen him do that before, so add it to the list! He very much looks like THE GUY here.
-A rest hold lets me notice a fan dressed like a Creature of the Night in the front row and some other guys getting reprimanded for something.
-Fatu’s inside out clothesline bump is always cool.
-The Pedigree is already over with the crowd as it’s blocked. A DDT is no sold and Fatu lands ALL of a follow-up superkick.
-Running CUTTER out of the corner by Fatu! What the fuck is this match?!?!
-A top rope splash misses, but Daddy H don’t miss.
WINNER: Hunter Hearst Helmsley at 8:01 with the Pedigree
-JR is smart to point out that the Pedigree affected the face instead of the head for the finish.
FINAL WORD: That might be the quietest and quickest gem of an opener we’ve ever had on this diary. It will probably be as good as it gets for this show.
-Lawler interviews HHH at ringside and talks about the stench he had to suffer throughout that match. Henry Godwinn sneaks up behind them and threatens to slop them both before they evade.
-Dok Hendrix is backstage with the British Bulldog and Jim Cornette before the latter’s first WWF Title match. His turn is shown once again as well as Diesel getting pinned on Raw in a tag match by Bulldog. This promo, like many big-time Bulldog promos, leaves a lot to be desired.
-The Smokin’ Gunns enter with the tag titles, all smiles and complete with new haircuts. Uh-oh, he definitely doesn’t look like a bitchcake yet. Razor Ramon and The Kid are wearing matching colors backstage and seem to be on the same page, even though Razor handles all the talking. They walk out and Ross enters the MVP hunt by mentioning Razor’s focus possibly being diverted because he’s wrestling twice tonight. Billy’s haircut is actually bad now that his hat is off, but I’m not giving it to him yet.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: WWF TAG TITLE MATCH- Razor Ramon and The Kid vs The Smokin’ Gunns (Champs)
-Handshake fake out by the Bad Guy and his buddy. Kid and Billy start and the future Pac keeps nipping up after getting shoved down in a power display. Then, Gunn mocks his karate moves in a very lame way. Damn it…BITCHCAKE.
-Bart and Razor square off now. The Bad Guy is very popular, but gets outwrestled three times to diminishing returns. After a punch, Kid pulls the rope down and Gunn takes a nasty tumble.
Kid’s crispness and kicks and fire are on point so far. He’s on the MVP chase. Nice teamwork with Ramon hitting him with a fallaway slam into Bart.
-Dean Douglas is shown watching backstage and taking notes during a double down. Both men tag out and Billy gets the focus on the hot tag. He throws a bad dropkick.
-Kid takes the heat including a suplex/dropkick combo. Billy misses a corner splash and over exaggeratedly sells it, forcing me to put him on the LVP list. Great false finish on dueling cheat spots by the usual faces.
-Razor tags in and slugs everyone. He hits Billy with the Razor’s Edge and Kid asks for the tag. They waste all kinds of time with this until he finally tags in, cockily covers and costs them the match. Does this count as a Razor’s Edge kick out?
WINNERS: The Smokin’ Gunns in 12:46 to retain the titles when Billy Gunn pins The Kid with a crucifix pin
-Kid throws a tantrum right away, waves Razor off and beats both Gunns up. He grabs the belts and Razor has to keep the peace and return the titles. The winners get boos.
FINAL WORD: Fine storyline match with an ending that I never like.
-Dok advertises Bret and Shawn standees, making me miss Barry Didinsky somehow. He does make me laugh when he says Bret can watch you sleep.
-Marty Jannetty is BACK?!?! Boy, look at those functional streamers as gear. We get pre-recorded comments from “the most bizarre superstar ever”: Goldust! Some standard movie lines as Dustin is getting his footing in the character. The theme and presentation are already there, though. Gold falls from the sky and he enters to silence. The lighting is poor to the point where I think the yeti in Expedition Everest is more visible (one more reference to go). I’ll never get how you make Dustin Rhodes, an uber face, THIS character right away. He definitely seems uncomfortable doing this as he disrobes and shimmies. He takes his hair off, makes a beeline for Marty and gets his ass kicked.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Marty Jannetty vs Goldust
-Goldust barely gets up on a backdrop and clothesline over the top. His black ears are very odd. JR talks about “personal demons” hurting Marty’s career, continuing an MVP surge. Acting like a chicken to mock Goldust doesn’t help either. Dustin runs in and just gets in Marty’s face. LVP status acquired.
-Faint “Dusty” chants. He’s always reacting to offense with pushes and not actual offense of his own. This is so off tempo. The typical uppercuts and clotheslines are okay.
-Vince calls him “androgynous” and King is all jokes immediately. Goldust is very loud, yelling at the ref when admonished. He has plenty of cheap, heel tricks. Jannetty hits a nice snapemare over the top and throws the Bizarre One into the steps, but takes a wicked bump off a whip into the post.
-Marty tries to go over the back and both men fall/try to pass it off as a neckbreaker. The creature in the crowd is given the focus. He’s called Bela Lugosi by Lawler.
-The Rocker Dropper lands. A top rope fist drop is evaded, but he lands on his feet because Goldust doesn’t block it the right way. Could they be any more off with one another?
-They try it again and the boot lands on the face. It’s mercifully over soon afterwards.
WINNER: Goldust in 11:16 with a face-first suplex
-The crowd drums up a few boos, but ultimately barely cares about this.
FINAL WORD: Two thumbs down! See, I can do movie puns as well!
-The Gunns and Kid are shown on the hotline before the mammoth match is made following the Undertaker beatdown on Raw. It consists of so many splashes and leg drops. Great, now we get this shit. King Mabel is carried out and one of the guys is the future Rhino! Gorilla made this as a punishment to the perpetrators for injuring Taker. Jim Cornette complains in a typically good promo about this match happening. Mabel’s hair sucks. Yokozuna enters and gets a de facto babyface pop. Ross has a good line about claiming that we won’t see any waist locks in this one.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: King Mabel w/Sir Mo vs Yokozuna w/Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji
-So many weight jokes at the bell are followed by slaps and punches. Yoko gets the advantage and clotheslines Mabel to the floor.
-Boy, the ropes strain like crazy when Mabel runs them and hits a clothesline. There is a lot of time in between each bit of action by the way.
- “This is about as scientifically imperfect as you can get,” says JR. The crowd is reacting to every miss and bump or splash. You have to give them credit for that.
-BAD botch on a bulldog by King that makes Yoko just fall to the floor.
-They brawl on the floor and the managers get into it. Yoko falls on Cornette, the bell rings and all of the crowd boos.
WINNER: Double Countout at 5:12
-Both men get back in the ring and the crowd seems to want more. After a face-to-face, the managers keep the peace and the big guys hug and raise each other’s arms to more boos.
FINAL WORD: That wasn’t as bad as you’ve probably been led to believe, but there’s not saying much.
-A Survivor Series commercial focuses on Undertaker’s return and Bret Hart’s WWF Title opportunity. The show is sponsored by KARATE FIGHTERS and now I’m sad I never got them as a kid. Lawler is annoyed by a fan behind him as the commentators talk about the Wild Card elimination match at that PPV.
-Hendrix is in the ring with Gorilla to handle the forfeiting of the title. Dean Douglas enters, all happy. Shawn Michaels walks out in a tacky jacket and looks like total shit (OMG that eye). He deserves it for losing another title without doing a job once again. He sells the sadness and drama extremely well. The crowd chants “no” and Vince is at his best when invested in his lover…err, future top guy. Dean snatches the title from him and poses. He puts it around his waist while HBK watches. I love the irony of Vince and Jim talking about the class shown by Shawn in handling this.
-I hate the exclamation point on Dean’s gear. His celebration is almost as long as he’ll actually hold the belt (spoiler alert) as Razor enters, shrugging and saying “four times” like duh.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: IC TITLE MATCH- Razor Ramon vs Dean Douglas (Champ)
-Another face jumping start, causing Dean to bail right away.
-Instead of focusing on an arm hold, my wife and I are discussing 1-900 phone numbers. She once was too young to win a Nickelodeon contest she dialed into.
-More boring arm work and Douglas can’t get anything going. He takes the fallaway slam to the floor, gets one eye poke, but still ends up smacked down to the floor.
-This is more one-sided than a straight line. JR gives Razor water to throw on Dean’s head. He FINALLY blocks the Razor’s Edge with a backdrop over the top rope.
-Back inside the ring, the champ already gets caught with a chokeslam. Fuck, the Kliq really hates Shane.
-A cross body and dropkick get two near falls. The Bad Guy hits a belly-to-back and both men are down. Razor’s arm is kinda on Dean, who gets his whole leg under the bottom rope. The ref counts three. There’s mass confusion.
WINNER: Razor Ramon in 11:02 to win the title with a belly-to-back suplex
-Razor shrugs once more as Douglas complains. The replay makes Vince a buffoon and King right for once as pyro goes off for the record-breaking win.
FINAL WORD: That was an absolute total shitshow. The character of Dean Douglas sucks, but of course he does because he’s constantly castrated. This somehow angered me more than having to sit through Mabel vs Yoko. Every match has been worse than the last.
-Sad HBK is forced to do the hotline! Then, it’s finally time for what everyone in the crowd has been waiting for: Bret Hart doing commentary???!?! He gets pyro just for entering to talking?!?!? Hogan ass shit (I’m totally kidding). He’s wearing a Calgary Hitmen hockey jersey. King gets chased out/beaten up by Bret. They do a Three Stooges chase/race like four times. I imagine that Bret can greet every person in the crowd by name. Vince holds him very seductively. Bret says, “let the games begin!”
-The British Bulldog enters. Hendrix advertises the 2 Dudes with Attitudes shirt backstage. Eat your heart out, Don West. He bumps into Diesel prior to his entrance and all he says is “feeling awfully funky!” Oh boy, that’s bad. He enters with more shitty camera work and lighting. The corner pyro almost singes Cornette. Bret is adding nothing on commentary so far.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: WWF TITLE MATCH- British Bulldog w/Jim Cornette vs Diesel (Champ)
-Vince calls Diesel’s week a roller coaster. I’d rather be in the queue to Aerosmith’s Rock N Roller Coaster than sit here and watch these two lock up, break and awkwardly fight (and our reference challenge is done).
-Davey dropkicks Nash to the floor, he lands by Bret and pie faces him. What a great way to keep him cheered in this building. Bulldog chop blocks the champ and this all gets a full screen replay.
-Mat work ad nauseum while Bret non-answers who he wants to wrestle. JR does his job and puts over the SummerSlam 1992 main event.
-Cornette elbow drops Diesel’s leg on the floor. He’s dished out more offense that Davey! Ross mentions TEN knee operations for Diesel. This was in 1995!!! Jesus Christ.
-A Boston Crab is applied and Bret talks about the lack of animosity he feels with Bulldog compared to Owen. He finally gives some good analysis of Diesel always being close to the ropes due to his length.
-Diesel hasn’t been off the mat in like five minutes. As soon as he does get to his feet, he’s chopped back down and the leg lock is reapplied.
-A boot right to the asshole is used to counter the Bulldog. I always love JR being unable to hide his true feeling during bad matches and spots. BACK to the leg lock and you can hear Vince’s anger building.
-A suplex is blocked and the champ hits one of his own. He’s still taking the heat, though! This match makes no sense.
-Davey tries the Sharpshooter and falls applying it. Bret makes fun of it and Diesel powers out.
-The challenger can’t pick the champ up for the powerslam for a two count, then immediately picks him up. It’s still blocked and the Jackknife is called for. Cornette comes in and gets beat up.
-On the floor, Diesel is sent into the post and Bulldog slaps Bret. The Hitman can’t resist and attacks.
WINNER: British Bulldog in 18:13 by DQ
-The announcement gets crickets because the faces start punching each other. The refs try to separate them, then officials join the effort.
FINAL WORD: An absolute slog of a match. The main event has never felt more like an oxymoron.
-The Gunns and Godwinn come out to try and help, but can’t. More wrestlers appear to pull Bret and Diesel apart. JR calls it tremendous, the bell rings like crazy and Vince signs off.
THE LAST IMAGE: Diesel and Bam Bam Bigelow
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: Sean Waltman is a bridesmaid again because Jim Ross excels in making bad shows a little bit better with his solid explanations, research and knowledge.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Another character is temporarily DOA upon their debut. This month’s victim is Goldust.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs Fatu
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Razor Ramon vs Dean Douglas
FINAL THOUGHTS: What a depressing fucking show. The crowd wanted to be hot, but got beaten down by circumstances, pettiness, outside forces and just a stagnant product. Nobody wanted to have fun in Winnipeg and it showed. Vince threw his headset down once they were off-air and said “horrible.” He wasn’t wrong. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: If Christmas is spoiled by this shit, then your New Year’s gets equally fucked up by Halloween Havoc 1995. Who is kissing the Yeti at midnight?