What am I doing here?
It’s Christmas Eve. I’m logged into work at home. My daughter is watching Home Alone 1 and 2. It’s my wife’s birthday and she’s out enjoying a spa day. I’m sitting on my couch waiting to watch a gargantuan mummy dry hump someone.
It’s funny how I spend the holidays.
Jokes aside, it’s at the funniest times that I find the ability to knock out shows for this project. When people are celebrating and taking it easy, I’m essentially doing the same but in a VERY different way. There’s nothing festive or jolly about what I’m about to witness. It’s actually one of the most infamous and derided events of all time.
Merry Christmas.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 95- WCW HALLOWEEN HAVOC 1995
Written on 12/24/21
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: Some spooky animations and a narrator claiming “Motown has gone mad!” The Giant looks like a ghost and there’s a big gate like Wayne Manor with “HH” on it. Hulk Hogan has turned to the dark side, so that means he fights in a monster truck battle. It gets more focus than the actual wrestling match. Boy, this is so cheesy already. Live from the Joe Louis Arena (and the roof of Cobo Hall later), Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan welcome us. They aren’t wearing costumes. What makes this monster truck match a “sumo” match? The trucks are shown playing cat and mouse on the roof already? The Giant and Hulk make funny faces. ALSO, Brian Pillman and Arn Anderson attacked Ric Flair before the show began. Bobby has to play both sides about the situation and Tony points out he’s eating sushi.
-That U.S. Title match between Johnny B Badd and Sting never happened because of DDP apparently. So, that big match at Fall Brawl was all for naught because Brian Pillman got the match anyway. Sting changed his outfit in between the “matches.” Badd appears later with grease on his face and tells Mean Gene he had a flat tire and gets raked over the coals about it. DDP rubs his nose in it and Maxx accidentally reveals it was him because of the detail of all four tires being flat. Badd KOs Page and we go back live for the champ’s entrance with Maxx and the Diamond Doll. He’s also stolen the Badd Blaster. Why does everyone steal that shit? Sting hasn’t arrived and Bobby calls out how separate he is with Flair. He is the first MVP for the umpteenth time. Nice Halloween colors on Dallas. Badd enters with his back to us AKA the real Johnny is sneaking up behind Page in the ring. What a babyface move!
MATCH NUMBER ONE: TV TITLE MATCH- Johnny B Badd vs Diamond Dallas Page w/Maxx Muscle and Diamond Doll (Champ)
-Maxx gets beaten up and his head is smashed into Page, who gets thrown into the crowd, the rail and a bucket put on his head before getting thrown into the post. He’s such a great, MVP heel.
-Lots of arm work and hair pulling as the commentators talk about monster trucks, Detroit cops and everything else. Tony is specifically annoying me with his lack of focus, so here’s our first LVP.
-Snake eyes turns the tide and the commentators put over the show to the nth degree as usual. Bobby tells a long story about his pilot. Kimberly begrudgingly grades DDP’s moves including the lauded “Pancake” for a two count.
-Kimberly’s intentions and heart are brought up as Maxx tries to start a “DDP” chant while he has a headlock applied. That’s good heel shit to get the crowd behind Badd.
-SABU is coming up with the man who built Cobo Hall, The Sheik. Heenan hurts his MVP stock with a bad joke comparing them to the Melendez brothers and Laurel and Hardy. Pretty pedestrian action continues along with a couple of decent cutoffs and counters.
-A belly-to-back starts the face comeback. A head scissors wakes the crowd up and Doll gives him a 10 when he asks.
-Dangerous looking sitout powerbomb for a two count by Badd and Diamond Dream DDT for two afterwards. I never knew that move had a name.
-God, I hate Nick Patrick’s counts. Here’s another LVP for him. The Diamond Cutter is block and the Badd Day flip to the floor hits Maxx and DDP. The slingshot back in only gets a two count.
-The heels collide and a roll up get a believable false finish. Maxx fucks up AGAIN and I feel bad for the guy because this one costs Page the title.
WINNER: Johnny B Badd in 17:02 to win the title after an errant Maxx Muscle clothesline.
-Kim smiles at the result before the replay.
FINAL WORD: After starting pretty slow, that built well enough for an opener with two over talents.
-The commentators actually have to analyze Hulk and Giant’s driving experience after doing the same for their in-ring experience. Rey Mysterio’s future music leads Zodiac to the ring in a big FUCK YOU to anyone getting excited watching this now. YES NO YES NO. I never noticed the little hair spike that makes him look like a unicorn. Actually, it’s more like Alfalfa from Little Rascals (and there’s our reference challenge). Randy Savage is in the second match? Wild. Big pyro and pop for him. He hugs a random girl. He needs to win this match in order to get a match with Lex Luger later.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Zodiac vs Randy Savage
-The face attacks the heel from behind to start and a fan jumps in the ring to try and get at Macho Man. Referee Randy Anderson struggles to keep him away, but officials come to help. The wrestlers go to the floor while the situation is handle. The in-ring fight gets a pop that Bobby explains Savage being so popular.
-Zodiac misses one splash as Kamala’s absence in this match is explained as being scared when it’s really that he didn’t want to job. Probably because Macho Man is already climbing to the top rope.
WINNER: Randy Savage at 1:30 with the flying elbow drop
-That elbow drop wasn’t his best, so the slow motion replay wasn’t really necessary.
FINAL WORD: I’m never going to be mad at a 90 second Brutus Beefcake match, but this still found a way to be a total mess.
-Mean Gene promotes the hotline by claiming he has news about the other federation before welcoming in Johnny B Badd to cut a basic babyface promo. He will never quit and always give 110% and wants to buy Okerlund dinner. Gene offers to sing Tutti Frutti when they eat Greek food later. What does any of this mean? Bobby makes fun of it all and Tony talks trucks again.
-It’s revenge match time. Hawk’s arm being broken by Kurasawa at the Clash of the Champions is shown. Devious oriental music-Meng’s original song- brings out Manabu Nakanishi looking younger than I could ever imagine. He’s managed by fucking Col. Parker, too? Some really bad LOD knock-off music leads Hawk out. There’s no space on the title card between “Road” and “Warrior.” Such bush league shit.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Kurasawa w/Col. Parker vs Hawk
-A big shoulder tackle and neckbreaker and jumping fist drop by Hawk starts this one fast.
-Bobby has an amazing line about Hawk’s chops sounding like a fat girl in a bearhug. A powerbomb is a transitional move nowadays. Parker trips the Road Warrior, but Kurasawa still misses a top rope elbow.
-Parker gets clotheslined from the apron and Hawk is sent into the post UNPROTECTED. Back in the ring, Kurasawa hits a weird back drop and a Samoan Drop. He goes for the pin and Parker holds the leg and that’s…it?
WINNER: Kurasawa at 3:18 with a Samoan Drop
-Garbage is thrown at Kurasawa on his exit while Hawk poses in the ring.
FINAL WORD? Fucking really? I mean, at least a fan didn’t run in? But, once again, fucking really?!?!
-Mean Gene interview the Macho Man who references the “audience participation” in his previous match and throws shade at Hogan for something. THEN, he says Gene has a crooked moustache. This interview is nuts EVEN FOR RANDY SAVAGE. He also gets asked about the monster trucks. This is totally unhinged even for him. I think he’s overcompensating for his injury.
-Very generic music for JL. Go get it, Jerry Lynn! He even has a cape! While Sean Waltman gets a big push in the WWF, here’s Lynn covered up in a pseudo-Power Rangers deal. Totally unfitting music for Sabu! I think it’s the future theme for La Parka. He runs to the ring while Sheik slowly walks down.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: JL vs Sabu w/The Sheik
-In 20 seconds, JL hits an enziguri to send Sabu to the floor, Sabu gets back in the ring and hits an Asai moonsault to both JL AND SHEIK! His foot clipped Sheik’s head. Then, a diving miss gives JL times to dive from the ring to the floor. Wild stuff.
-Even the misses are riveting. I’ve never seen so many moonsaults. There’s another random sitout powerbomb.
-Top rope victory roll by Sabu. He’s awesome for every reason. MVP. Nice dropkick off a springboard to the floor by JL. He is holding his own, so he naturally loses way too quick.
WINNER: Sabu at 3:26 with a slingshot moonsault
-Sheik IMMEDIATELY throws an errant fireball that grazes JL. He has a MASK on! Sheik also has a sword. Bobby does a great job on the replay.
FINAL WORD: What a little shot of insanity that was.
-More Giant/Hulk analysis before we go into the “lair” of the Master and Taskmaster by the entranceway. Oh boy, we get them doing their shit LIVE. The crowd couldn’t care less. Master’s yelling next to Kevin Sullivan just standing there looking out of place and not reacting to anything. They are both LVPs for different reasons. The Yeti being “insurance” for the main event is such sweet irony. Kevin cuts a basic promo and I wonder why his bottom lip is so wet. How did the Dungeon of Doom get a monster truck? This gets go away heat and the promo just ends out of nowhere. Is it the Yeti or the “Yetay”? Tony insists on saying he was brought all the way from the Himalayas.
-Mean Gene interviews Hulk Hogan, Jimmy Hart and some Harley Davidson contest winners. That will really get over evil Hulk: presenting a prize to a fan. He’s trying to be subdued while giving each person a cool name like “Cadillac Jack” and “Maniac Mike.” The Harley people get to talk! Why does this have so much time dedicated to it? Boy, how many LVP candidates can we get in such a short amount of time because Hulk sure is off right now. The lady who works for Harley accidentally touches Gene’s butt, so he makes a joke and gets her giggling. The other lady is the winner’s fiancé appears to be a hostage. Can a promo win LVP as a whole? How about worst match? Hulk says something about laying the Giant down next to his dad at the end of the night. YIKES.
-A World War 3 commercial mentions the biggest battle royal in history for the first time. Tony breaks it down with 60 men, 3 rings and a giant in each ring. A future title shot is currently on the line. Bobby makes fun of the contest winner and can’t figure out the right words for an above ground pool. A GONG in WCW means Meng and not the Undertaker. He doesn’t have his dragon mask, but a bad robe with a mask attached to it. He’s already beaten Lex Luger as of late apparently. Of course, he has. Lex enters to his sweet WCW theme. So many balls of garbage keep getting thrown. Luger’s possible ties to the Dungeon of Doom are discussed as a match against a member of the Dungeon begins.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Meng w/The Taskmaster vs Lex Luger
-Lex starts with smashing the head into the buckle and a slow catapult.
-This is the loudest match between Lex’s selling and Meng’s mutterings. Flair is still being attended to and Sting has finally arrived.
-A faint “USA” chant either to taunt or encourage Lex Luger. I guess it depends on where the Dungeon of Doom is located. It’s the only heat in this lifeless match.
-Meng gives an odd thumbs up after a shoulderbreaker. Lex makes more noise than a meeting of the He-Man Women Hater’s Club (one more to go). Nice piledriver, though.
-After a long headlock, we get a double crossbody spot? That’s not what I expected to see with these guys. Sullivan awkwardly talks to Lex on the arena floor in a calm manner.
-Boy, this is boring. Meng just keeps beating Lex up until he finally avoids a dropkick and hits a suplex. Bobby is grilled about his recent business dealings. We are building to Starrcade and Sonny Onoo.
-Clotheslines and powerslams by Lex. Meng gets the mythical spike from his boot and hits Lex with it. He goes for the pin, but Taskmaster comes in and kicks Lex while he’s being pinned.
WINNER: Lex Luger in 13:15 by DQ
-Meng is mad and pushes Kevin. The commentators theorize that he must want Lex to wrestle Savage later on.
FINAL WORD: I’m not mad it’s over. That was a rough hang.
-Mean Gene interview the Giant already in his monster truck outfit. He’s billed as 7’4 and he sure does have a presence and charisma to him. Gene talks truck semantics and sells pain when Giant grabs his hand and the mic. This is way too much promo time for a new “Giant” character in the Dungeon. He’s thankfully a natural. I’m pleasantly surprised with him already.
-Without a recap or video, it’s Horsemen time. Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman walk down the aisle. Ric Flair and Sting are announced together to Sting’s theme, but only Sting walks out. He also doesn’t come out with the U.S. Title. The mistrust is discussed before they finally agreed to team after proving to one another their intentions.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: Arn Anderon and Brian Pillman vs Ric Flair and Sting
-Arn and Sting start. The “We Want Flair” chant gives me 1991 flashbacks. Sting handles both heels easily so far.
-Flair fought on his lonesome on Nitro before Sting finally joined him. Sting causes another double bail, then a double clothesline on the floor while avoiding the trap set.
-Impressive press slam on Brian. Bobby always refers to his assistant “Woody” to go backstage and find out stuff. It’s not a great bit.
-On the first bit of trouble Sting gets into, Flair runs down in street clothes with bandages all over. He can’t get his hands on Arn, but pushes the ref down without getting disqualified.
-Flair works the crowd into a tizzy. He takes his loafer off and tries to hit Arn as he has Sting in a headlock. He’s becoming an MVP with his antics. Incredible. The tag is cut off at the last minute.
-Bobby makes fund of Woody for coming back and saying that he can’t find Flair. Ok, that is funny. Pillman is chased off, still without a physical payoff.
-Flair breaks up the pin off a spinebuster without touching Arn. All of the seeds are planted. “WE WANT FLAIR” intensifies, so he struts on the apron. In a leg lock, Sting calls out, “Nature Boy!” He responds with, “I’m here, buddy! Stand tall!” That’s such good shit. The two-on-one beatdown is approaching 10+ minutes.
-There’s been more tag cut offs than anything ever. Finally, Sting hits a double noggin knocker and the crowd senses it finally may happen. We FINALLY get it to a big pop. Ric hits the ropes and WHAM, immediately decks Sting. What a fucking swerve. The place goes ballistic.
-Speaking of ballistic, Sting goes crazy, but gets overrun by the three heels. The bell rings and only Ric Flair could win by turning on his partner.
WINNERS: Sting and Ric Flair in 17:05 by DQ
FINAL WORD: That was classic all around (tag formula, turn, action, etc.)
-The beatdown continues because only two refs are trying to help. Poor fucking Sting. More garbage is thrown. Gene waits at the entranceway to express disgust. He pimps the hotline where Hawk, sans face paint, is shown at the moment. The reformed Horsemen join Gene and Ric yells “NOW we go to school!” A fan throws a cup of soda and it lands in between Arn and Ric’s bodies. Brian has a very bad “WOOO”. Flair wraps the promo up with “REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD! Horsemen style!” He’s the current MVP. Sting is helped to the back while the commentators analyze. Bobby is particularly good in these cases as usual.
-Mike Tenay interviews Lex Luger for another stilted promo. Every four or five words means Lex has to stop and think about what he’s saying. He talks about his good friend, Sting, right after he got beat up. His one mission is to win the world title. Yadda Yadda Yadda. Back to Bobby and Tony as they gear up for sumo time. I can’t bemoan them for putting the main event over as strong as they have thus far. Bobby wants Hogan thrown off the roof. I wonder if they clued him in? The Giant’s debut is recapped- the Dungeon beatdown, running over the motorcycle, the neck snap, etc. He’s also been murdering guys with chokeslams. This company is obsessed with dressing heels up as women because Taskmaster does it to powder Hulk and lead to break his neck again. THEN, Hulk is in black and his moustache is shaved off. The Yeti busts out of an ice block at the end of this. The trucks morph into the wrestlers. Sigh…
-Back live and Eric Bischoff has taken Schiavone’s spot. EB and Bobby are also joined by Bob Chandler, the designer of Hogan’s truck. He talks more truck lingo and Bobby oddly plays it straight by asking specific questions. Bischoff wants to talk all about this. I’m good.
-Hulk and Giant are face-to-face on the roof. The referee of the sumo match discusses the rules and I don’t get what he’s talking about. Something about charges and axles? Bischoff explains it all again. These trucks run off of alcohol. Can I have some?
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: MONSTER TRUCK SUMO MATCH- Hulk Hogan vs The Giant
-The Dungeon of Doom truck is totally different than the Giant truck shown in the stills. Hogan’s truck is hilarious. The babyface camera focuses on Hogan’s face and the heel camera focuses on Giant’s back.
-Listen to Bischoff actually try and call commentary on this!!! It’s been raining. The two Bobs also take this seriously and do a better job than it deserves.
-One set of wheels are pushed out of the circle for Hulk, but he gets back in. I don’t know what’s going on. Are they really driving these things? Would they trust these two to do that?
-A charge goes off and Hulk is almost pushed out again. This is STILL GOING ON.
-Randomly, the heel truck is fully pushed out of the circle and the crowd pops.
WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 4:07
FINAL WORD: FUCK YOU if you want real analysis here.
-Giant gets out of his car and chases Hulk, putting him on the edge of the roof. Both get up there and there he goes off the roof. The Giant’s scream and Eric Bischoff’s “NO” and Hulk’s “OH NO” are burned into my brain. The crowd pops for murder. Like, in kayfabe…how? Why? It was never explained. The boneheaded decisions won’t stop.
-Back live and Heenan asks “what do we do now?” This Chandler guy is soooo lost. LOL. Bobby is very forlorn and Eric is awful. They are sending security up and Heenan asks what side he fell off. EB responds, “it’s the parking lot versus the river. What’s the difference?” A LOT, YOU FUCKING MORON. Gotta give him an LVP for that line alone. The show must go on. Sorry, Owen.
-Lex Luger enters. He’s the perfect guy for the spot of entering after another wrestler may be dead and it’s time for a match. Tony tries to catch up while Randy Savage walks out. I think he rolled his eyes on the way out. I hear you, Macho.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: Lex Luger vs Randy Savage
-Schiavone apologizes to Lex and Randy and Bobby can’t concentrate. No apologies are really needed as Lex just talks to Randy and offers a handshake. He gets beat up, but hits a clothesline to take over soon afterwards.
-Jimmy Hart walks down in all black. Apparently, Bischoff and Gene have left the building? Did they throw Giant off the roof? The crowd is totally dead for this match between two bonafide main eventers.
-After several instances of asking what’s happened, Bobby explodes. Boy, they sure do treat this seriously. Lex’s overselling is wearing thin with me.
-More nothing action until Hart distracts the ref. Lex rolls up Savage and cheats, but there’s no count. The Total Package is thrown into Jimmy and Macho Man hits a slightly better finisher this go around.
WINNER: Randy Savage at 5:23 with the flying elbow drop
FINAL WORD: Luger is back in WCW and already losing momentum. That match was flatter than Darla (I know that’s a child, but I wanted this reference challenge to end.)
-Michael Buffer comes out and Bobby loses it again/leaves to find out what’s going on. He may earn the MVP lead again by coming right back into the frame. Apparently, the drop was five stories. Bobby makes fun of 1995 technology and says this is serious to him because of his connection to Andre. Okay, he’s definitely in the MVP lead again. The monster truck manslaughter is replayed. Honestly, how did they pull this off?
-After a close up of the Detroit River, Heenan gets on his hands and knees begging to know what’s going on. This might be his best WCW appearance thus far. He’s passionate, then funny by standing up to ask for a walkie talkie.
-Buffer welcomes us to Halloween Havoc and goes to introduce Giant, but claims a change when Hogan walks down in the same black pants (apparently that’s not him dressed to wrestle). He gets on the mic and claims he didn’t want that to happen. It’s a piss poor apology. Then, “the challenger has arrived!” Hogan’s face is golden. He actually bails out of the ring. “I don’t understand anything…” Bobby, I feel you. This never does get an explanation. It almost feels like a double turn. Oh well, the bell rings.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: WCW TITLE MATCH- The Giant w/The Taskmaster vs Hulk Hogan w/Jimmy Hart (Champ)
-Hulk has the Taskmaster logo painted on his forehead. His punches have no effect at first, but eventually staggers the big man. He can’t manage the slam, though.
-Giant hits some axe handles and loud chops. For his first match in the main event, he’s pretty good at the basics.
-A LONG test of strength spot is finally broken. Hulk is blatantly calling spots. There’s a weird exchange before a slam.
-The challenger misses a leg drop and Hulk says, “get your ass up, brother!” Nothing but punching and biting. A big clothesline sends him over the top and the heels try to retreat, but get stopped. Eye rakes by the “face” are followed up by scratches on the arm and back.
-Nice backbreaker cut off before the bearhug is applied. It’s a weak looking one for the most part (considering how it usually looks). Hogan is selling everything very well.
-A second bearhug is fought out of with punches, but the champ still eats a chokeslam. I love these early chokeslams. He kicks out and Bobby gives up. The crowd isn’t happy with it either. They are tired of this shit and Giant is already pretty cool.
-The full Hulk Up occurs. The big boot, the body slam and the leg drop all take place before the ref goes down, but you can’t see how. The crowd knows, however. Giant plays possum while Hogan helps the ref. He gets hit in the back with his title by Jimmy Hart. There’s no bell. Sullivan comes in laughing and another bearhug is locked on.
-“AND THE YETAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” This fucking mummy lumbers down after Lex and Savage run out. Lex naturally attacks Macho right away. Then, the legendary hump hug commences. This dirty fuck. That’s the most immediate LVP ever.
-Hulk gets racked by Luger to a big pop. THEY DO THE DOUBLE HUG ON SAVAGE AS WELL!!! Give that idea up on the first one! Macho takes the Rack, too. The ref raises Giant’s hand and the official word is announced.
WINNER: The Giant by DQ in 14:46
FINAL WORD: Considering everything, that was not bad…until the final bell rang.
-Buffer reiterates the title hasn’t changed hands. Giant still poses with the title and mocks Hulk anyway. The heels pose and leave. The replay shows the Hart hit on the ref. Everyone is still down in the ring, but start stirring in the ring. Where is anyone to help? The doctor finally comes over to help.
-The commentators analyze the events and Bobby applauds the results and mentions people being stunned. Tony reiterates Hulk is still the champ. Hogan asks “what about Jimmy” and the ref tries to explain what happened. The crowd seems to chant “Na Na Na Na” at Hulk as Tony signs off.
THE LAST IMAGE: Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage and Randy Anderson
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP OF PPV: Halloween Havoc might be turning into Bobby Heenan’s show. He is the voice of reason in the madness. Ric Flair’s antics and promo weren’t enough to usurp the Brain, especially post fall of the Giant.
FINAL LVP of PPV: There were a LOT of candidates throughout the whole event, but COME ON. The Yeti waddling in and being immobile and booty fucking Hulk Hogan is one of the most infamous things ever.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Sting and Ric Flair vs Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Hulk Hogan vs The Giant in a Monster Truck Sumo match
FINAL THOUGHTS: Read the following like Key’s Mr. Garvey character: infamous and deplorable! Really, it’s all of the negative words. The Giant is not at fault at all, but what a start to a career. Lucha Underground would go here at times decades later, but this wouldn’t even work there. It’s cartoonishly detrimental combined with ridiculously short matches and only 1-2 good moments. The Halloween Havoc lineage is always fondly remembered and I’ll never know why. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: Will Vince McMahon respond at Survivor Series in DC by having Kevin Nash powerbomb Bret Hart off the Capitol Building or letting King Mabel sodomize the Undertaker? Find out next week!