Two things to tackle at the jump today.
The first: I watched this show incredibly sick. It’s the first time I can recall being under the weather and taking the opportunity to watch a show. I don’t think it will hinder my thoughts (particularly for this event), but it will bring back warm memories of being a child during this time period and using wrestling as a cozy blanket to make me feel better when I needed it.
The second: I’ve been up front about 1995 for weeks now and I don’t want to waste your time every week with the same analysis prior to the results. This show’s reputation is widely known, but I’m honestly going to try and look at it on two different levels.
Is this show bad because it’s a WrestleMania or would this show be bad if it were any wrestling show at all? Does the size and scope and reputation of the name force a show into a corner from the get go?
Like the celebrity main eventer, let’s tackle that subject, shall we?
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 84: WWF WRESTLEMANIA XI
Written on 10/7/21
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: A new title sequence! Then, a very announcer-sounding voiceover recaps all of the previous Mania, but just the celebrities because you can’t show that much Hogan and Savage anymore. This year’s celebrities are introduced. The highlights are Jonathan Taylor Thomas flexing with Lex Luger and the British Bulldog and Salt N Pepa playing with Bret Hart’s nipples. Hooray! Hartford? For WrestleMania? Seriously? The crowd is loud and ready. The ring announcer’s mic doesn’t work, so Vince McMahon jumps in to introduce a Special Olympian singing America the Beautiful. Boy…this might be the biggest foreshadowing of all time. People are thankfully respectful (more than I’m being). The karaoke track version of the music is the worst part. Some pyro goes off and the Stridex blimp is shown in the rafters. I’m already tired of the Mania theme.
-Vince is joined by Jerry Lawler at ringside. The boss is oddly subdued, but the King is shilling hard by putting the event over as being bigger than Hollywood and Broadway. The NFL vs WWF is highlighted before a very awkward USA/UK theme mix leads Luger and Bulldog to the ring. They are wearing all the jackets and holding all of the flags. This music ends up resembling something you’d hear at Christmas. Their opponents are the Blu Brothers accompanied by Uncle Zebekiah. The Harris twins and Dutch Mantell: that will make up for no Hulk and Macho Man! Normandy is discussed constantly because the faces are dubbed the Allied Powers.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: The Allied Powers vs The Blu Brothers
-An absolutely sloppy as hell start. The faces hit stereo powerslams and land on each other. There’s no coordination on the whips and collisions. It’s been 45 seconds.
-Jacob and Eli are undefeated and get double clotheslined right on cue. Bulldog finally takes some heat and Vince keeps calling the heels “big, hairy mountain men.”
-McMahon explains the concept of twins and Lawler talks history. Davey Boy takes a very rough landing on a simple slam, but avoid the follow up elbow and tags in Lex.
-It’s a typical Lex hot tag with sloppy clotheslines and forearms. The ref gets distracted and the twins swap to little impact or effort. There’s a blind tag and more awkward execution on both the finishing move and three count.
WINNERS: The Allied Powers in 6:37 when British Bulldog pins one of the Blu Brothers with a top rope sunset flip
-Pyro after this win seems unnecessary. The faces pose and Vince mentions Jim Ross is with the heels, but we don’t see it. They finally catch him talking to Zeb and he cuts a quick, mad promo.
FINAL WORD: Thoroughly pointless all around
-NYPD Blue’s Nick Turturro is in the Million Dollar Corporation’s dressing room and you can’t hear a word he is saying. These audio problems continue, so they cut away and Vince tries to laugh it off. You know he is SEETHING. Instead, long stretches of the crowd (somehow still happy) are shown.
-It’s Intercontinental Title time and Jeff Jarrett enters with some annoying blinking glasses. There are way too many photographers at ringside. The Rumble match is recapped as Jeff struts. Razor Ramon and The Kid are backstage with MORE audio issues. What’s the deal with Connecticut tech? The faces enter and Kid’s karate get up is the best part of this show so far. They run to the ring, but there are too many people by the ring, so Razor’s dash gets messed up. The bell rings, Jarrett gets punched to the floor and pyro still goes off in the ring. This is the most uncoordinated Mania of all time.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: IC TITLE MATCH- Razor Ramon w/The 123 Kid vs Jeff Jarrett w/The Roadie
-Razor keeps getting the best of the champ at the beginning. The Bad Guy is the first MVP by effortlessly countering in cool ways and showing off his in-ring prowess.
-The Roadie helps Jeff avoid the Edge and they try to leave, but Kid blocks it. Roadie eats the buckle and Jarrett flies over the top. It’s been all faces so far.
-A neckbreaker turns the tide and Double J dominates the action. Every time Razor gets back a little bit, he’s cut off.
-Multiple double downs slow the pace. Seriously, there are three double downs in a row. The crowd boos this a little bit because it’s silly.
-Fallaway slam gets a two count. Kid tries to interfere and gets stopped by Jarrett. A top rope bulldog is missed and the leg is focused on leading to the champ’s Figure Four.
-The hold is finally reversed and Kid helps to cheat again. He gets caught and the Figure Four is broken. After a second rope belly-to-back suplex, the Edge is set up again, but the Roadie runs in with a chop block to end the match.
WINNER: Razor Ramon in 13:31 by DQ
-Kid comes in with big spin kicks over and over, but ultimately gets grounded with the Figure Four and double teamed. The refs come out and Ramon gets up to start a big brawl. The official announcement is finally made and Jeff leaves with a bloody nose and the title. JR interviews him on the way back and he talks payback. These have added nothing so far.
-FINAL WORD: Speaking of adding nothing! This was technically fine, but boring with a bad result.
-Back to Nick Turturro with Ted’s group and Jenny McCarthy. Kama ogles her way too much. Shawn Michaels enters and Sid is with him, looking extra psychotic and speaking with incomplete words. He gets an LVP case in less than 10 seconds. Impressive return, Sid. Meanwhile, Turturro looks for popcorn or Tracy Morgan in drag (and thus begins our Longest Yard remake reference challenge).
-King Kong Bundy lumbers to the ring to the Million Dollar Man’s theme. Ted DiBiase is carrying the oversized urn. The Rumble is recapped again. I should have just watched that event again. Todd Pettengill interview Neil Anderson of the Chicago Bears in the front row and makes him get in a three-point stance before asking about Lawrence Taylor. The end of the interview is cut off by the gong, thunder and blackout of the Undertaker. He gets a BIG pop and Vince points out his undefeated streak at Mania. WOW, only four matches in. Bundy yells at him and the referee, MLB umpire Larry Young, is pointed out.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: King Kong Bundy w/Ted DiBiase vs The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer
-Bundy tries to sneak attack and Taker evades. A quick Old School makes me notice how much I miss camera flashes.
-Bundy is finally dropped, but he clotheslines the Dead Man over the top rope. He gets the urn back from Ted to a big pop and pose.
-DiBiase waves for Kama and he boots Paul, stealing the urn in the process. Taker tries to stop him, but Bundy attacks. JR interviews Kama in the aisle and he claims he’s going to melt it down for a necklace. Meanwhile, the sloppy action in-ring continues.
-Vince keeps talking about the NFL Pro Team matchups versus the Corporation as Kong locks in a rest hold. A LONG rest hold.
-A splash in the corner, but Taker no sells it and slams his rival. One more move that Bundy will actually take (but will still kick out off right at three) seals the deal.
WINNER: Undertaker in 6:40 with a running, leaping clothesline
-Here’s another iconic shot of Taker doing the eye roll with the lights and thunder after the match.
FINAL WORD: Big boys with no chemistry means rough city.
-Turturro is outside of Pam Anderson’s dressing room. There was apparently an argument and she left. Never mind that shit, here comes MONGO! He cuts a promo on Kama and it’s followed by Reggie White talking about Bundy. Who is this poor guy stuck talking about Nikolai Volkoff? The white guy says some offensive Tonka Truck and cigar store Indian jokes about Tatanka. Eventually, Nick finds Bob Backlund playing chess with JTT. Bob gets mad about the interruptions and doesn’t know who Pam is. He gets madder when he’s placed in checkmate and asks JTT history questions that he knows all of the answers to. This is an MVP segment for Bob.
-Owen Hart walks out. God, what a year. He gets the mic and introduces his mystery partner: Yokozuna to a big “ohhhhh” from the crowd. He’s somehow GAINED weight while being gone. Owen hugs him. The Smokin’ Gunns are shown backstage and Billy’s voice is different. It’s an easy Bitchcake case. Those outfits don’t help either. Bart actually sounds fearful of what’s about to come. They enter with their khaki-colored jeans, all smiles. Lawler points out Owen’s Mania debut six years prior as the Blue Blazer. Man, I’m surprised about these nods to the past. Both commentators are crushing it and Lawler is MVP worthy.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: TAG TITLE MATCH- Owen Hart and Yokozuna w/Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette vs The Smokin’ Gunns (Champs)
-Owen and Billy start. The Rocket slaps him in the face and celebrates.
-Yoko versus Bart now and it’s impressive how everything Yoko does elicits a response. He takes a double dropkick (Billy barely gets any height on it) and it sends Yoko to the floor.
-Jerry is great talking about Owen’s fate and destiny to win a title finally. Vince talks about the Men on a Mission turn as the Gunns hit a nice belly-to-back neckbreaker move.
-The heels take over with Yoko hitting a leg drop and an Owen attack on the floor. He calls himself the king and says that everyone has to love him. He’s so good.
-Long nerve hold before Billy is held for a dropkick and he avoids it. Bart gets the hot tag and hits an effortless/lazy press slam to Owen and a weird hair pull to ground Yoko.
-The heels work together to rid Bart from the ring. The crowd digs them as Yoko hits the Banzai Drop. Bart breaks up the pin, but gets dumped out again. Owen teases the Sharpshooter, but knows it’s over and just covers his opponent.
WINNER: Owen Hart and Yokozuna in 9:42 to win the titles when Owen pinned Billy Gunn after a Banzai Drop
-Owen has an MVP level celebration, jumping for joy and taking both belts. The look on his face is incredible. The crowd loves it and so do I.
FINAL WORD: Fun all around.
-Quick shot from the blimp cam before Pettengill interviews Bam Bam Bigelow. It looks like Todd is wearing a fucking Walkman headset. The pre-Mania workout is shown while Bam Bam cuts a barebones promo and claims to be in great shape. He also claims that he won’t be the guy remembered for losing to LT. This is quite a lengthy segment. His voice sounds like he plays for Kansas State prison and wants a can of corn (one more reference to go). The commentators analyze the promo. Nice LT football on their table.
-The Fink introduces the submission match AKA “I Quit” match. The special referee is Roddy Piper. That makes Vladimir stoked in his tank top. Bob Backlund enters next, still without music. His posture and gait are amazing. Bret Hart comes out to a deafening ovation. Someone looks to slap his hand too hard? He also looks much bigger than usual.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: SUBMISSION MATCH WITH SPECIAL GUEST REF RODDY PIPER- Bob Backlund vs Bret Hart
-There’s a corded mic to check for submissions. Bob swats it away. Piper is just bleating “what do you say?!?!?”
-Vince misses Lawler’s WrestleMania VIII question about Bret and Piper. Backlund keeps avoiding the Sharpshooter.
-The Figure Four is reversed a bunch. Bob’s rolling around and yelling have taken him off my MVP radar. Piper randomly asks Bret if he quits when he’s on the offense. That was almost funny.
-I just let out a big yawn as Backlund keeps an arm lock cinched in. Piper keeps asking and Bret annoyingly says “no.” He even says “hell no” once.
-Hart’s shoulder hits the post hard and his opponent tries to apply the chicken wing. He can’t lock it in and gets reversed into the hold himself. He gets grounded and Bob warbles “YES” kinda. He makes another odd noise and that’s enough for Piper apparently.
WINNER: Bret Hart in 9:33 with the chicken wing
-Bret celebrates and seems rightfully peeved. JR interviews Bob and he looks like he’s in mid-orgasm. “Did you see the light??!?!” He’s so weird and good. Too bad the match stunk. Whoops, I mean..
FINAL WORD: That match stunk. That was hopefully the worst Bret Hart match I’ll ever see.
-More microphone issues with Nick Turturro. He’s trying to tell us about some celebrity changes. He seems done with all of this. Todd interviews Diesel and he’s not buying the role Sid is supposed to play in all of this. He botches his words, then just gets mad and fixes it.
-Fink introduces JTT as the special guest timekeeper. It’s always weird seeing a child coming down a wrestling aisle. Lawler makes his suit seem even funnier than it is. The girls in the crowd seem to react more to Nick Turturro? I’d love to see John Turturro at Mania instead. They really gave him a lot to do because he’s the guest ring announcer as well. HBK enters with Sid and Jenny McCarthy at his arm. He’s lock in, you can just tell. Sid looks lost. More glass breaking for Diesel and a surprisingly loud pop. He calls for Pam Anderson to walk down with him. She…is a great woman. The look on Nash’s face says it all. He’s the coolest guy in the room. His breasts when getting snuck estrogen pills got nothing on Pam’s (and the reference challenge is done). Before the bell and his theme ending, Diesel takes a swipe at Side and Shawn takes a HELLACIOUS back drop to the floor. He’s the MVP in one bump. Pam is brought in for posing amidst pyro.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: WWF TITLE MATCH- Shawn Michaels w/Sid and Jenny McCarthy vs Diesel w/Pam Anderson (Champ)
-Incredible quick pace to start and Shawn can take the bump of a century just off of one punch.
-What an outstanding back drop and thrown to the outside. Shawn falls on a camera guy and he tries his best not to kill him by dragging him aside in anger.
-Shawn’s feet hang off the ropes and he falls to the floor. Sid’s yelling is so bad. He’s constantly on the apron distracting.
-Why are there all of these photographers at ringside not getting out of the way?!?! HBK hits a legendary cross body to the floor after a missed big boot.
-Another camera guy gets pie faced by HBK and Diesel hits the post and partially the camera guy. The crowd starts chanting for Sid. I’ll never get it.
-Nice splash from the apron to the floor. The champ is on the floor forever and the count keeps getting interpreted.
-Bulldog and an elbow drop with serious air both get two counts. The crowd is openly chanting for Shawn now. Vince claims Diesel knew he’d be the underdog?
-Diesel’s arm stays up on the count of three in a headlock. He starts battling back and HBK is bouncing all over and out of the ring. He begs off and gets pantsed in like three different ways.
-The ref jumps down from the apron to manage a brawl on the floor and hurts himself off camera. Sid tries to help him as HBK hits Sweet Chin Music in the ring and pins for quite some time. Back in, Nash kicks out before two and gets boos.
-Sid exposes the turnbuckle before a double down. More screaming and distracting antics by Sid to keep taking the focus away. Another two count and Diesel catches Shawn for a sidewalk slam out of mid-air.
-What a slingshot from ¾ of the way across the ring! He doesn’t hit the exposed corner, but it still looks rough. The big boot, the call for the finish and the finish itself…in a way. Shawn will even make his best friend looks stupid during this time.
WINNER: Diesel in 20:37 to retain the title with the Jackknife
FINAL WORD: That was the best thing on this show by far, but it’s not necessarily a classic.
-JR interviews the heels leaving and Sid overtakes the conversation, screaming like a banshee. The champ invites all of the celebs into the ring to pose with fireworks. McCarthy really struggles exiting the ring. Pettengill interviews Shawn and Sid in the locker room. He’s angry that he had the match won and the replay shows it. Sid locks LVP because he refuses to finish his words and he has a very bad lisp all of a sudden. HBK intensely wraps up the promo and Lawler agrees that he’s the uncrowned champ.
-A very abrupt transition into the entrances for the Million Dollar team. Bundy runs faster than Nikolai (who throws hilarious shadow punches). Ted is somehow the best jogger of the bunch. NFL music for the Pro Team: Ken Norton and his cowboy hat, Chris Spielman and his wrist tape, Ricky Jackson making Salt N Pepa on stage happy, Carl Banks looking REAL JACKED, Steve McMichael to a great pop shaking all kinds of hands and Reggie White as the captain with a white cap. Vince reading football stats is fascinating to me. Kama takes a forearm from Mongo and the other heels also get hit. Spielman falls hitting Tatanka.
-Bam Bam’s music plays and he enters in a leather jacket and big heat by threatening Salt N Pepa. In ring, he performs a cartwheel. Then, in the most leather outfit of all time, Lawrence Taylor enters with his business manager. I think the music he’s using will soon be Bam Bam’s? It appears as though they cut out Salt N Pepa’s performance. That sucks; I was excited for that. McMahon talks about Diesel prepping LT. Only in the mid-90s could find the crowd loving a random athlete like LT. People forget that he was the GOAT defensive player of all time at this moment. Pat Patterson is the ref and brings them together for instructions where he surely messed up all of his plurals. Bigelow pushes and Taylor slaps.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: Bam Bam Bigelow w/The Million Dollar Corporation vs Lawrence Taylor w/The NFL Pro Team
-LT sure does have one hell of a forearm and clothesline to send Bam Bam over the top. The place goes nuts. He’s already better than Mr. T.
-Nice bulldog and dangerous strikes by LT. You can argue Bigelow is just as much of an MVP as HBK for bumping around already. The teams stand off in-ring and Bam grounds the footballer in-ring. He sells decently, too.
-An ugly slam makes it clear Taylor is tuckered out four minutes in already. He can’t take a bump, that’s for sure. He probably took too many the night before if you know what I mean. ZING! He fights out of a Boston Crab and it turns into a leg lock that takes forever to break via the ropes.
-Lawrence hits a belly-to-back out of nowhere, but remains on defense with headbutts, leg drops and a moonsault. It looks like he’s going to pin LT, but he rolls off because he hurt his knee in an awkward moment.
-Sloppy ass “jackknife” by LT for two. The crowd has begun to lose interest. Big kick by Bam Bam and then he hits the top rope headbutt. Taylor is still kicking out.
-LT fires up and shuffles before big forearms to the chin. He climbs up for a dope ass final shot that he connects 100% with.
WINNER: Lawrence Taylor in 11:45 with a second rope forearm
FINAL WORD: That was neither the best or worst celebrity match ever.
-The Pro Team enters the ring to celebrate with a GASSED LT. He can barely stand and slumps when he gets picked up. Ted yells at Bigelow with JR trying to get questions in on the way out.
-LT’s son holds him up and they exit the ring. That’s it? Salt N Pepa issues again!
THE LAST IMAGE: A wide shot of everybody leaving
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: There were a surprising number of candidates here with Bam Bam carrying the main event and The King being excellent the whole evening, but Shawn Michaels once again proves that he is the best in the world at this moment at being a pro wrestler.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Welcome back, Sid! I didn’t expect you to be this bad just talking and standing around. I can’t imagine what you’re going to be like in the ring.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Diesel vs Shawn Michaels
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: The Undertaker vs King Kong Bundy
FINAL THOUGHTS: It was not as bad as I was thinking it would be, but that’s not an endorsement. This doesn’t even register as a WrestleMania to me because the roster is so depleted, the execution is lacking, the production value is unacceptable and the matches just aren’t the caliber we expect. Is this the worst WrestleMania ever? There’s a case to be made and it almost takes the cake. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: From the biggest show of the year to literally the smallest show of the year, WWF begins a new era with the inaugural In Your House. Events comes in all sizes, but it will probably be in the same shape if you know what I mean.