This introduction is going to cover a couple of subjects I’ve already tackled. Bias and preconceived notions are something that are inevitable in this process and no PPV highlights this more than today’s entry: the 1992 Royal Rumble.
This is my all-time favorite event because it features the greatest individual Royal Rumble performance and greatest commentary performance in the history of the business. The Royal Rumble holds a special place in my heart as my favorite wrestling thing period. I look forward to it more than my birthday, Christmas and any other event on the calendar every year. It started as a child and it’s never wavered. This particular show was popped into my VCR probably twice a month. I could recite it from memory with my eyes closed. As an adult, it became the gateway to bring non-wrestling fans into the fun with the greatest drinking game in the world. If the Royal Rumble ceased to exist, I would mourn like I lost a family member.
In 1992, I was five-years old, but I already recognized greatness and comedy and I’m proud of that. In this diary, I will try to be impartial (and I’m already quoting the GOAT) and honestly critique what needs to be critiqued. After all, this show begins one of the greatest and most important years in wrestling history. For all of the faults of the past couple years, 1992 is a very exciting and transformative time.
Maybe that’s why I love this show so much: it means so much in the long run and it was exciting and transformative to me at a exciting and transformative time. The great thing is: it’s always exciting and transformative.
Enough hyperbole, let’s revel in the glory of The Man, The Brain and the 1992 Royal Rumble
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 47- WWF ROYAL RUMBLE 1992
Written on 11/20/2020
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: The classic Vince McMahon introduction! I want this done at my funeral or for all of my friends on my birthday. I know we just started, but go watch this! I love how sassy Ted DiBiase is in his photo, I love that Shawn Michaels is still a Rocker in his picture and I love how weirdly Haku is smiling. The Knickerbocker Arena is amped. Be careful saying the name of that building. Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan welcome us and Bobby is already talking about Ric Flair and banking it all on him. The Mountie is the new IC Champion and is facing Roddy Piper for the title now. Plus, LOD vs the Natural Disasters!
-GONG and I’m shocked the Orient Express are still signed. They get a full entrance with Mr. Fuji to good heat. Tanaka is basically wearing full sweats. The Heavenly Bodies music leads Owen Hart and Jim Neidhart out as the New Foundation. Yes, they are wearing their DUMBASS CHECKERED outfits. Their schtick of pointing at each other is lamer than those baggy pants.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: The Orient Express w/Mr. Fuji vs The New Foundation
-Bobby says the Foundation just woke up because they are in their pajamas and his hands are sweaty about the uncertainty of Flair’s number already. He’s an early MVP and it will be wire to wire.
-Owen vs Kato is some chain wrestling as Gorilla talks about Rumble substitutions: Marty Jannetty and Brian Knobbs are injured and swapped out with Nikolai Volkoff and the Barbarian.
-Amazing agility by Owen doing the El Generico top rope backflip and a hurricanrana to a great response.
-Neidhart forces Kato to tag out with power moves. Tanaka tags in to get the shit kicked out of him with a spinebuster and a second rope Hart splash.
-Gorilla talks about Bret Hart fighting the Mountie with a 104-degree fever and losing his title as Owen does a backflip and gives an amazing backdrop. Heenan talks about once wrestling with a 113-degree temperature.
-The crowd LOVES the New Foundation. It’s crazy, if Neidhart stayed straight, what would Owen’s career be?
-Behind the ref’s back, Owen takes a Tanaka kick to the head and Fuji’s cane to the throat.
-Bobby wants to leave and see what number Flair is and talks about what’s “fair to Flair.” As Gorilla is exasperated already. Meanwhile, Hart takes Bret’s stupid chest buckle bump.
-Gorilla mentions the Midnight Express, but the movie and not the team. I got excited and thought I didn’t remember their move to WWF in 1992.
-Classic babyface tag missed, then Fuji breaks his cane on Owen’s shoulder/face in the corner with a loud crack! Owen barely gets his leg on the bottom rope.
-Owen’s beautiful belly-to-belly suplex on Pat makes him a futile MVP candidate. He is selling his ass off, too.
-Double dropkick into a HOT tag to the Anvil. He hits a slingshot shoulder block to start. Then, a great Irish Whip suicide dive by Owen.
- “Sayonara baby!” Think of a better final line in this case, Gorilla.
WINNERS: The New Foundation at 17:18 when Owen Hart pins Tanaka with a Rocket Launcher splash.
FINAL WORD: More weird Midnight Express vibes! Anyway, can we just designate the Orient Express as all-time Rumble openers?
-Lord Alfred Hates explains the IC Title situation again and a clip is shown of the Mountie reversing a small package to win the match. He beats down the former champ with the belt after the bell. Hayes calls commentary on all of this for no reason including Piper’s assistance and fight with the Mountie. It cuts to Sean Mooney with the Mountie and Jimmy Hart complaining about the match. The Mountie calls a good, angry promo. Mean Gene is with Roddy Piper and he calls his opponent an original Village Person and claims Hart will leave lipstick on the title. He wheezes a lot and ends on a wet dream joke. In other words, he’s an LVP threat.
-The Mountie, still without his “I’m the Mountie” music enters to good heat. Bagpipes and a solid ovation for Piper follows. Gorilla talks about Roddy’s integrity right after he claimed to have none in his promo. It’s never a good sign when the champion enters first.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: IC TITLE MATCH- Roddy Piper vs The Mountie w/Jimmy Hart (Champion)
-Piper charges Mountie and puts his kilt over his face to start. Mountie bails quick and takes a big, running punch.
-It’s weird seeing Piper doing moves like a bulldog. He only ever really brawls. Piper and wrestling moves go together like lamb and tuna fish. I know I’ve done Adam Sandler references before, but I didn’t tackle Big Daddy at all. There’s our reference challenge.
-A crazy dropkick attempt is blocked by the Mountie. He tries a weird, but cool, half nelson sending Roddy’s head into the buckle as the commentators bicker about being together like an old married couple.
-The Mount is bumping for Roddy like crazy. He skins the cat and tries to attack Piper from behind, but hits Jimmy Hart on the apron instead.
-Hart tries to get the cattle prod, but it’s too late because Piper’s new finish is already locked in.
WINNER: Roddy Piper to win the title in 5:22 with a sleeper hold
-Hart tries to attack after the bell, but eats shit. Piper shocks the Mountie with the cattle prod and there’s an obnoxious game show buzzer noise that plays. Piper is over the moon about winning his first singles title in WWF and the place is crazy as well. Bobby puts over the chances of him winning both titles in the same night hugely.
FINAL WORD: What a good moment and story for such a short match.
-Hayes is outside Hulk Hogan’s dressing room with a crude “HULK” typed sign on the door. This is a Coliseum Video exclusive and we get an interview. I’ve never seen these two together. It’s a subdued promo about having no friends later and tea. Then, Mean Gene talks to the Bushwhackers and fucking Jamison. I’m going to need some of that to get through this. Luke is not a bad promo, calling the Beverly “Sisters” out. Jamison cuts a promo eating his tie and being a shitty nerd. LVP.
-The first version of the Beverly Brothers theme leads out the team with the Genius. A random sign is shown reading “on the 8th day, God created Gorilla Monsoon” and he acts like he didn’t read it, but says “8th day? Okay!” Cute. It’s Genius poem time and it stinks as usual. The Whackers enter to another pop that angers me. They suck! Stop it! They lick fans and Jamison has a sock in his jacket pocket. Never mind that shit, LUKE LICKS THE FRONT OF A TODDLER’S FACE WHILE HIS DAD HOLDS HIM. I’ve looked and can’t find a GIF. That’s probably for the best. Gorilla talks about Jamison being legit adopted by the Bushwhackers. What? Bobby follows up by claiming Jamison’s parents divorced and both denied custody.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: The Beverly Brothers w/The Genius vs The Bushwhackers w/Jamison
-Bobby is the saving grace of the first minute by riffing on this pleb as no action has happened. The faces are still licking each other and mugging to the crowd as the Beverlys patiently wait.
-2:15: they are trying to start a “sissy” chant. Butch is still wearing a hat and there’s not a lock up in sight.
-A lock up behind the ref’s back and a heel sneak attack is the first spot at 2:40.
-Biting, double clotheslines, whacking and Jamison eating bread? Kill me.
-Now, this geek is blowing his nose into the sock. I think I hear boring catcalls as Butch yells at them before getting blindsided.
-More Three Stooges routines as the heels get tripped after an Irish Whip into each other. They powder to the floor once more.
-Heenan’s reaction to Gorilla’s claim that he’s mad he retired as a manager before handling the Bushwhackers is amazing. “I would manage them to an electric chair.”
-Jamison is also a slob? He didn’t go to college? SO, he’s just an amalgamation of a deadbeat, nerdy pig?
-Genius walks over and slaps Jami son to a mixed reaction. He’s the biggest face in the room to me. The loser complains and asks if he’s bleeding.
-Luke has been getting beat up for way too long and bumping like shit the whole time.
-Butch finally gets the tag and the Brothers bump like crazy for him including a 360 on a clothesline.
-Luke distracts the ref like an idiot, then we get what can only be called an anti-climax.
WINNERS: The Beverly Brothers in 14:57 (yes, really) after Blake Beverly pins Butch following a Beau Beverly top rope axe handle.
-The audience partly gives a polite golf clap at the end, then the heels turn their back and get beat up with battering rams so the faces can get their heat back.
-The Genius then gets double teamed and Jamison crawls into the ring. He winds up a fist several times, then just kicks him in the shin before a final shitty kick in the butt to oust him. He finishes by putting the Genius’ hat on.
FINAL WORD: This is a black eye on an otherwise great time for me.
-Mean Gene interviews LOD. Animal shouts and shouts and Hawk saves it as usual. There’s no “What a Rush!” There is dead deer talk, though. The Natural Disasters walk to the ring with Jimmy Hart. Road Warriors pop for the champs and Bobby complains about their spikes. It’s HOSS time (make sure to read that like Michael Cole).
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: WWF TAG TITLE MATCH- The Natural Disasters w/Jimmy Hart vs The Legion of Doom (Champs)
-Hawk and Typhoon start. Neither man initially budge until Hawk hits a top rope clothesline for a two count.
-Earthquake enters and goes face-to-face before no selling a Hawk dropkick. Quake tries his own and whiffs. Gorilla wrongly claims that he wouldn’t hit Sky Lo Low with it.
-Animal comes in with tremendous speed and ends with a BIG collision on a double down clothesline. Animal picks Quake up, but can’t hold him.
-A lot of unstoppable force versus immovable object spots before Typhoon catches Hawk with a backbreaker. Quake follows up with a big elbow that makes the crowd gasp.
-Two long bearhug spots from each Disaster. Hawk finally breaks free and hits a second rope elbow to slowly knock Quake down.
-Animal hot tags in and is once again a house of fire. He knocks both heels down with a double clothesline.
-All four brawl on the floor, slamming and slugging one another. You know where this is going…except Typhoon sneaks back in.
WINNERS: The Natural Disasters in 9:23 by countout
-The Disasters celebrate like they won the titles. LOD get chairs and dink Typhoon with one on the back, then whip Quake head first UNPROTECTED into the other chair, making a loud sound. Fink announces LOD as the champs and their music plays.
FINAL WORD: That was a decent big man battle, which is probably the best-case scenario between these four guys.
-Mooney is in the locker room stalling and waiting for the Disasters. They finally enter and Jimmy threatens legal action. Typhoon and Quake yell about kicking butts and being real champs. They might as well say they have a 2, a 4, a 6, a 10 and a J and they win (thanks, Sprouse twin, I got one more to go). Quake is forever underrated because he’s always good in these instances.
-Gorilla and Bobby summarize the rules of the Royal Rumble before taking it to Mean Gene with Roddy Piper celebrating. I think he says he’s still 15? He quotes Martin Luther King, says he’s not going to fall down like Bush and dedicates the next one to Colt. Cabana?
-Mooney talks about the Rumble before the Barbarian rudely bumps into him. Then, it’s the debut of the Heartbreak Kid! He’s wearing a white jacket and has a whole lot of attitude. They recap his famous turn from just one week ago. Heenan increases his MVP case in the clip as Jannetty cowardly jumps through the Barbershop window. Shawn’s first HBK promo is just him getting his footing, but still not bad.
-Hayes is with Ric Flair in another Coliseum exclusive. Flair reveals he is number fucking three!!! I’ve never seen this before!!!!! He doesn’t see it as a disadvantage. It’s very basic, nothing crazy at all. We go back to Mean Gene introducing Rumble promos.
-Macho Man Randy Savage: what an outfit and what a promo about Jake “the snake man” and getting back to the top of the mountain.
-Sid Justice: he grits his teeth cutting his promo in a Southern twang. It’s intense, but laughable at times.
-Repo Man: really? He sounds like Daniel Stern.
-British Bulldog: he’s no bizarre yet. He’s still not a good talker, though. He pimps his win in the Royal Albert Hall battle royal months earlier. He is JUICED.
-Jake Roberts: another cool heel promo about getting what you need, but not always what you want.
-Ric Flair: alongside Mr. Perfect, he starts by shouting “MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL!!!” Yes yes yes. He is fucking ready. “To Be the Man…” and then “I AM THE MAN”. I need a towel.
-Undertaker and Paul Bearer: Paul is over the top and Taker is dope and spooky.
-Hulk Hogan: glad this isn’t censored anymore because he says WWF a whole bunch. He talks about cups of tea twice once again. Is he thinking of the earlier Hayes interview? It’s not his best, but motorboating the word “rumble” makes up for it.
-IT IS NOW TIME for the ROYAL RUMBLE!!!” I’m writing this after fighting with my mother for two days and my daughter is turning four. I need this. Bobby’s “oh my god” and “this is the big one” are so good. Fink introduces the “esteemed president” Jack Tunney to massive boos. He is a bundle of excitement. He welcomes us to the event 90 minutes in and he may be bad enough in this very short period to unseat Jamison as LVP.
-Tunney finally leaves and THE BRITISH BULLDOG is NUMBER 1. It’s time for a Rumble PPV diary tradition: untrue facts! For every entry, I make up something that we have no way of knowing if it’s actually true or not. For instance, the British Bulldog never ate a Pop Tart in his lifetime. His London win is put over again.
-TED DIBIASE is NUMBER 2 and Sherri accompanies him looking very busty. Heenan blurts out “boy, look at THEM!” The man is on fire. DiBiase is a registered fireman in Chicago and Chicago only.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: ROYAL RUMBLE FOR THE VACANT WWF TITLE
-How do I write about this? I just want to watch and enjoy! Gorilla talks about Ted’s previous longevity effort in 1990 while Heenan talks about hiding. DiBiase is suplexing Davey like crazy.
-Bushwhacker Luke is given the Santino record instead of Warlord. Ted is too cocky. DiBiase is eliminated at 1:18 by a Bulldog clothesline. It’s a good moment showing the unpredictability of the match.
-The countdown begins, Bobby’s voice cracks on five and “NO! Damn it!” RIC FLAIR is NUMBER 3 as an annoying cowbell in the crowd is rung. Gorilla tells Bobby to “kiss it good-bye, Brain” because nobody 1-5 has ever made it to the end. He also tells him to sit down. In the ring, Flair WOOs, ready to go. Ric Flair is listed as a beneficiary in 7.5 million wills.
-Bulldog hits a power press slam and Flair has already bumped more than Tully Blanchard at the Newark Holiday Inn in 1988.
-JERRY SAGS is NUMBER 4. He tried to get the role of Travis Bickle in an off-Broadway production of Taxi Driver. Heenan tells Gorilla to shut up as he’s needled. He can’t look at it as losing it all. Davey hits a nice double clothesline on the heels and already looks very gassed.
-Sags avoids an elimination, points to his brain as if he’s smart, then eats a dropkick from Bulldog. Jerry Sags is eliminated at 5:24 while Heenan busts out another “this is NOT fair to Flair!”
-HAKU is NUMBER 5 with some dope hair. Haku has bitten more noses in his life than apples.
-Flair gets a couple of chops and punches on Haku, who no sells. That makes Ric immediately beg off to the floor. There’s MVP case number one.
-HAKU PILEDRIVER ON BULLDOG RICH NO DO NOT LOOK!!!
-Haku is eliminated at 7:59 by a clumsy Bulldog backdrop. SHAWN MICHAELS is NUMBER 6 and he gets big boos. Ironically, “Big Booze” was Shawn Michaels’ high school nickname.
-Flair has taken so many backdrops already. He sells HBK’s jabs awesomely, then eats an early Sweet Chin Music.
-This stretch with these three is amazing. Also, Heenan keeps spitting legendary lines like “the room is starting to spin” and “someone get me something to drink…something with a kick!”
-EL MATADOR is NUMBER 7 and it sounds like he gets a mixed reaction. That’s fitting because Tito Santana mixes potato chips with ketchup.
-Heenan claims Shawn is making guacamole out of El Matador while Flair gives a great belly-to-back suplex, then a vicious low blow to Smith. It gets a big “ohhhh” from the audience. Bobby says he’ll do that to his grandmother if he had to. That’s it, I’m locking him in as MVP.
-THE BARBARIAN is NUMBER 8 and someone keeps throwing balls of paper as the entrants. “Why do you think they call him the Barbarian? He’s not a hair dresser on his day off!” Goddamn it, let the man host the Emmys! Barbarian has a gerbil named Emmy.
-Flair is chopping like crazy. Michaels is on the second rope, but nobody gets close and he just steps down. Heenan keeps putting over the importance of the match and the title.
-TEXAS TORNADO is NUMBER 9 and Bobby says they just keep getting bigger. On top of only having one foot, Texas Tornado only has one pinky. Look closely. We get a Flair flop and 360-degree spin on discus punches by Flair and HBK respectively. They are trying to outdo one another.
-More classic commentary: “the best strategy- bring a big crescent wrench! WILL YOU STOP?!?!”
-REPO MAN is NUMBER 10 and he sneaks and hides to the ring like a goofball. Repo Man had Goofy bedsheets as a kid. Like, does he unlawfully repossess? It makes no sense.
-Flair chops Kerry Von Erich so hard, it killed another brother. Sorry not sorry.
-Monsoon’s time is off like the NWA, but only by a couple of minutes. GREG VALENTINE is NUMBER 11 and his 44-minute effort from 1991 is highlighted. 44 was his elementary school football number. Flair flop number two after some big Valentine chops. Ric is so damn sweaty already.
“Perfect and I didn’t want him to go anymore than 30, we figure he’d draw 18 or 20.” “Forget it, Brain! No one draws numbers 1-5 and makes it to the end!” “SHUT UP!!!” Just make out and fulfill my childhood fan fiction!
-NIKOLAI VOLKOFF is NUMBER 12 to boos even though he slaps hands on the way out. Gorilla says things have been rough for the Russians and Bobby says “too bad.” Nikolai’s body looks like a melting candle. Funny, his favorite Disney character is Lumiere.
-Greg puts Ric in the Figure Four to a big pop. Nikolai Volkoff is eliminated at 21:26 when Repo Man ducks an attack. Gorilla buries him by saying “that didn’t take long, did it?”
-BIG BOSS MAN is NUMBER 13 and he’s a house of fire, punching like crazy. Greg Valentine is eliminated at 22:20 unceremoniously by Repo Man. Why the fuck does he get two eliminations? Shawn almost backflips out of the ring. Repo Man is eliminated at 22:57 when sneaking on someone, but getting thrown out by Boss Man instead. The Big Boss Man threw out the first pitch at a Dodgers game in 1996.
-British Bulldog is eliminated at 23:36 by a Ric Flair shoulder lift, then Texas Tornado is eliminated at 23:46 by the same thing. So damn good. Shawn Michaels and El Matador eliminate each other at 24:07 in a tangled tumble.
-HERCULES is NUMBER 14 and he looks ready to explode. Hercules was an amateur pyrotechnic. Flair turns on Barbarian after setting up an alliance. Brain’s desperation is palpable. “Take a hike! Oh my god!” Barbarian is eliminated at 25:13 by Hercules from behind. Hercules is eliminated at 25:16 by Boss Man from behind and Boss Man almost falls out himself.
-Boss throws a crazy spin kick on Flair, then misses a running attack. Big Boss Man is eliminated at 25:56 and it’s an ugly tumble as he catches his throat on the bottom rope. “FLAIR WINS IT” claims Bobby as we get a third flop from a spent Nature Boy. What a first half. Flair has some MVP facials as he catches his breath and the timer counts down.
-RODDY PIPER is NUMBER 15 as Bobby yells “off all the people!” Flair begs off and the people are going nuts over Roddy’s second appearance. A backdrop and kneelift makes Flair go to the floor. Roddy Piper only slept on floors because beds made him nauseous.
-Finger poke, airplane spin and a sleeper by the new champ as the timer counts down. JAKE ROBERTS is NUMBER 16 and he takes his sweet time letting Piper continue the move before blindsiding him. Jake stumbled onto the set of the Blind Side.
-Flair smiles and gets a short-arm clothesline from Jake. Bobby calls him a “no-good snake!” The DDT is set up and Piper saves Flair. Bobby is thrilled, telling Piper “it’s a kilt, it’s not a skirt!”
-Flair applies the Figure Four on Jake and Roddy attacks them both. Heenan flips, calling him a “no-good skirt wearing freak” before claiming to be soaking wet and thinking Flair has lost six or seven pounds already.
-JIM DUGGAN is NUMBER 17. I was having so much fun. He looks like the before version of Roddy Piper. Duggan can’t spell the word “before.” Heenan flat out coughs in his headset as he’s losing his voice.
-All four men are down from atomic drops and suplexes. It’s another good sequence between four over dudes.
-IRS is NUMBER 18 and he takes his time walking to the ring. Ironically, he is a foremost expert in financial law. The fourth flop happens in the foreground. The commentators put over Jake looking at the entrance during every countdown because he’s scared of Randy Savage coming down.
-JIMMY SNUKA is NUMBER 19 and he looks worse for wear. I once said he looked like Quagmire’s bed here and I stand by it. Heenan says he’s wasting energy by jogging to the ring, then “I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.” Jimmy Snuka collects tangerines.
-Bobby and Gorilla highlight the heavy hitters left and apparently Taker and Hulk were given preferential treatment for their numbers. Flair is chopped and beaten like crazy by Piper and so close to being dumped by him. Jake does the same. He sells peril so damn well.
-UNDERTAKER is NUMBER 20 with Paul Bearer slowly strolling out with him, too. In one initial shot, Jimmy Snuka is eliminated at 37:12 by a Taker uppercut. Then, Taker chokes the life out of Flair. Heenan is beside himself: “it’s over, everything down the toilet!” Undertaker has a blue toilet.
-A rare Taker low blow on Duggan. He gets triple teamed, but double goozles his way out of it.
-RANDY SAVAGE is NUMBER 21 and he runs faster than anyone ever as Jake immediately slides under the bottom rope. Taker blindsides Macho and Jake sneaks back in. Not too long after, Savage tears into him, hitting a top rope axe handle. Jake Roberts is eliminated at 39:29 with a high knee. Savage classically forgets the rules and jumps over the top rope to continue the attack. Bobby and Gorilla call it right out and Taker tries to fix it, but Savage keeps running back out of the ring because he’s probably high AF.
-Bobby covers beautifully by saying that he wasn’t thrown out by someone else, so he’s okay. I forgot my random Savage fact: Randy Savage was a massive cokehead because sometimes, these facts get real.
-Flair low blows Taker and he still doesn’t really sell it. Heenan claims it was a slam attempt.
-BERZERKER is NUMBER 22 and he specializes in throwing people over the top rope. He’s HUSSing like a goon. His best friend is Bill Irwin. Gorilla can’t get over the fact that Flair is still fighting and dishing out punishment. Bobby wants him to “weasel your way out” and then can’t believe he said that.
-Piper and Taker both choke Flair, but Taker starts choking Piper with his other hand. In the background, Berzerker gives Macho an ugly Punjabi Plunge.
-VIRGIL is NUMBER 23. He likes Olive Garden too much. Again, facts are facts. Heenan asks “who knows how many bags he’s already gone through in the back?” I’ve always loved that joke and thought it meant tea bags.
-Piper and Virgil have a good exchange considering their history. COL. MUSTAFA is NUMBER 24 accompanied by Gen. Adnan. Why does he Bushwhack? Speaking of which, Daniel Stern’s Bushwhacked is his favorite movie because of the Barbie sex scene.
-I call the Haku/Bulldog piledriver and raise you the Berzerker/Virgil one in terms of ugliness. Berzerker is a sneaky LVP threat.
-Flair’s chest is beet red, his hair is poofy and he is an image. RICK MARTEL is NUMBER 25 and he’s the current record holder for length in the Rumble for a few more minutes. He is tanned and draped in pink. Pink is all he tells a waitress when ordering a steak.
-Col. Mustafa is eliminated at 48:49 by Randy Savage almost off-camera. That’s the last bump over the top in his career, I think.
-Duggan takes the time to start a USA chant when he’s alone for no goddamn reason.
-HULK HOGAN is NUMBER 26 as Bobby yells “OH MY GOD NO!” The arena explodes and he double noggin-knocks Taker and Flair right away. Hulk horribly sells Taker and Berzerker on a double team. Heenan is apoplectic: “please let him win it! I’ll be different, I promise!”
-Undertaker is eliminated at 50:58 and Berzerker is eliminated at 51:05 both by Hulk Hogan. The Deadman’s stare back at Hulk is incredible.
-Virgil and Jim Duggan eliminate one another at 51:28 on a sloppy crossbody spot. That’s the most random elimination ever. Hogan rips his shirt. He also rips a fart in every elevator ride.
-SKINNER is NUMBER 27 to calm the room. Bobby cries as Hulk almost throws Flair out and he promises to never do anything wrong again and asks for something to drink. Skinner drinks motor oil.
-Martel is very cartoony selling a head tussle by Piper’s feet.
-Flair WOOs on an Irish Whip and eats a classic Hogan Axe Bomber. SGT SLAUGHTER is NUMBER 28. What a difference a year makes. Skinner is eliminated at 54:16 by Rick Martel and Gorilla makes it sound like he was a former world champ.
-Hulk and Piper battling again is a rare sight. Flair is announced as the official record holder and Heenan says, “give him the title!” Slaughter has a bean eating title in his local neighborhood.
-SID JUSTICE is NUMBER 29 and he gets a good reaction. He looks oddly athletic until he throws his first punch. Sid has to have Hawaiian Punch every night before bed.
-Hulk Hogan is a quiet LVP. Every time I watch him, he’s selling like crap and seems lazy. Gorilla puts Flair over, but for his talent and not integrity. Never mind that shit, Sid just kipped up!
-THE WARLORD is NUMBER 30 in a big wet fart of an ending to no pop. Bobby says you never know who could come out when Gorilla calls him out before his entrance, then claims to be right. I mean, it could have been Scuba Steve (I almost forgot! Whew!)
-Hulk and Flair are on the floor and Nature Boy takes a suplex there after wrestling 56 fucking minutes. Sgt. Slaughter is eliminated at 58:54 by being PROPELLED by Justice. Good lord.
-Close up on Sid beating up IRS. I’ve seen that still more than my penis. Soon after, IRS is eliminated at 59:49 when he teeters on the top rope by the tie and forced out by Piper.
-“There’s the beef. There goes the beef!” The Warlord is eliminated at 60:44 by Hogan and Sid.
-Piper hits over 35 minutes and Flair is over one hour. Roddy Piper and Rick Martel are eliminated at 61:00 while scrumming and pushed out by Sid.
-We are at the final four and Savage looks like hell. Flair knees Sid in the back and he’s holding Macho. Randy Savage is eliminated at 61:00.
-Flair fails at his corner bump out of sheer exhaustion. From behind, Hulk Hogan is eliminated at 61:31 by Sid Justice. This is the edited version because there are more boos than you’d expect or remember. Sid yells down at the sore loser, “every man for himself, big boy!” Hulk continues being a little bitch and grabs Sid’s hand and tries to pull him out.
- “YES YES YES YES YES!”
WINNER: Ric Flair at 62:00 to win the WWF Title by last eliminating Sid Justice
FINAL WORD: I don’t care what they drum up: this will forever be the greatest Royal Rumble match of all time.
-Gorilla exclaims “Flair did it!” The crowd gives an amazing pop to all of this. Heenan is on the fucking moon. Ric is gassed beyond belief. Perfect meets him in the aisle and Bobby leaves the booth to join them. Sid is behind Hulk in the ring. Officials try to separate them. Too many officials, to be honest. The crowd reaction sounds like how they want them to. There are some definite boo birds for Hogan and “Justice” chants. Sid notices them and points them out. Hulk seriously looks like a sad child. Man…is he taking the LVP away from freaking JAMISON?!?! Sid finally leaves saying, “I’ll kill ya!”
-Mean Gene is backstage with Jack Tunney, Ric Flair, Mr. Perfect and Bobby Heenan. “With a tear in my eye…” Fuck it, just watch the greatest post-match promo ever.
-Bobby and Perfect gloating and “put that cigarette out!” “I told ya so!!!” “You all pay homage to the man!!!!!” It’s flawless. I’m going to get that last line tattooed on my body at some point. Gene signs off and we get photo highlights from the show with the most 1992 techno music ever. I liked when they did this. A screen cap of Jamison kicking with a hat on makes me remember him and probably saves Hulk.
THE LAST IMAGE: Ric Flair holding the WWF Title alongside Bobby Heenan and Mr. Perfect
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: I’ve done it once before with the Road Warriors, so it’s not unprecedented. I can’t choose one and not the other. Ric Flair gave the single greatest performance in Royal Rumble history and Bobby Heenan gave the greatest single commentary performance in wrestling history.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Hulk Hogan’s apathy made it close and the Berzerker bothered me, too. However, if we are looking at the term VALUE, then nobody is less worthwhile than JAMISON.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Royal Rumble match
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: The Beverly Brothers vs The Bushwhackers
FINAL THOUGHTS: What else can I say? This is just sublime for a wrestling purist. The performances and commentary and pomp and circumstance rise above it all. The undercard could be Great Khali vs El Gigante in a 90-minute Broadway and I’d love it. That said, the undercard is underrated and solid. This show fucking rocks. Watch it. NOW! MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: It’s WCW’s first outing beyond the shitshow of 1991 with the second edition of SuperBrawl. I may just watch it right now to ride this high!