Things that are billed as the biggest or best really have to deliver. In wrestling, hyperbole is a natural part of promotion, but there are still some things that feel important and are kept special because the proof is in the past.
Starrcade WAS one of those things. However, in the past three years, we’ve suffered through a plethora of gimmicks to try and freshen up something that didn’t need it. First, it was the Iron Man round robin tournament. Then, it was the international tag team tournament. Now, it’s Battlebowl and the Lethal Lottery.
As a kid, I loved randow drawing and battle royals, so this was a favorite rewatch of mine. I would hold lotteries and two-ring battle royals in my action figure league all the time. It worked because I was a child. As an adult, I have a lot of qualms and questions.
This is the end of WCW 1991 on this diary and 1992 looks much more promising with the Dangerous Alliance jumping off and, to a much lesser extent, Bill Watts making changes. I’m a little sad, but I’m also very happy that I will be watching less bad wrestling. When it’s few and far between, it feels more special and keeps it charm. As it stands right now, it’s the norm and not special. I want bad to be special again.
Instead…here we go.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 46- WCW STARRCADE 1991: BATTLEBOWL
Written on 11/5/2020
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: An animated ring and names as the unique tag team format is explained. I saw Jushin Liger’s name, so I’m happy. We go live in the Norfolk Scope with the classic Battlebowl theme song. Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone are still together and seem non-plussed about this idea. This company is addicted to two-ring battle royals that limit floor seat options. They kick it over to Eric Bischoff, Missy Hyatt and tonight’s commissioner: Magnum TA. I’m glad this job has no driving involved.
-Bischoff introduces 40 stars, a curtain raises and everyone is on the ramp divided into faces and heels as some pyro goes off. No beating around the bush as the first team is chosen. Cheap envelopes reveal Michael Hayes and Tracy Smothers. The crowd is hooting and hollering and I can’t tell if they can hear the names or not. The next team is Marcus Alexander Bagwell and Jimmy Garvin. How do you get the crowd hot right away? ROOKIE BAGWELL! This is rumored to not be pre-planned? Typical Dusty. If so, they got lucky with the Freebirds against one another at the jump.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Michael Hayes and Tracy Smothers vs Marcus Alexander Bagwell and Jimmy Garvin
-The Freebirds are full blown faces, clapping and getting the crowd into the match early. Smothers just passed as I write this and he’s rolling in his grave thinking about carrying Bagwell here all over again.
-If these are totally random, there are no hope for these matches because they are all being called in the ring.
-Typical crowd shot with rows of empty seats. I can’t wait to get out of WCW 1991.
-Tracy is an early MVP bumping around for Bagwell, complaining to the ref and getting angry at the crowd for clapping for the other wrestlers.
-This building is shot like shit. It looks small and old. Meanwhile, Smothers continues his MVP case by bumping on the floor three times and getting an audible shit out.
-Schiavone must have lost a bet to Mike Graham as he continues to put over his tutelage of Bagwell.
-Almost seven minutes in, Hayes finally tags in. He does some bad chain wrestling and tags back out 45 seconds later. He’s an early LVP.
-“Tracy sucks” chant makes me want to watch some WrestleCon shows instead. I’m missing Su Yung blowing blood on an inflatable penis for this. That is NOT the reference challenge, by the way.
-Hayes vs Garvin finally. The crowd is into it, but not like I’d expect. That’s probably because they know it will stink. They lock up, break, repeat, strut. Then, takedowns, double strut, tag out. COOL SHIT, BRO. It gets a golf clap and a light “Freebird” chant.
-Everything breaks down when Bagwell punches Hayes on the apron. Hayes hits the KO punch, then hits Garvin. They argue while Tracy tries some weird splash. Bagwell gets the knees up.
-Figures the guy doing all the hard work eats the pin.
WINNERS: Marcus Alexander Bagwell and Jimmy Garvin in 12:42 when Bagwell pins Tracy Smothers with a Fisherman’s Suplex
FINAL WORD: Dreadfully boring if not for Tracy Smothers. So, just boring.
-JR recaps and seems very unexcited about this nonsense. Tony makes a bad point about the last match and Missy and Magnum are useless as Bischoff does all the talking. A camera is set up for each dressing room as they react to the names being read. The first one is Stunning Steve Austin and the second one is Rick Rude. They are taking on Van Hammer and Big Josh. The audio is behind or they can’t hear as nobody in the locker rooms react at all. Fucking bush league. At least we’ve finally reached the Dangerous Alliance BAYBAY. Paul E. and his group will kick things up a notch. Hammer comes out like a goof. You can see everyone trying to plan this match around him.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Steve Austin and Rick Rude w/Paul E. Dangerously vs Van Hammer and Big Josh
-Austin vs Hammer to start. If you want to see the future of wrestling and its antithesis, here you go.
-Heyman with hair is such a sight.
-Austin has an interesting sequence where he dishes out three straight snapmares. Rude is tagged in to boos, a big clothesline and some gyrating hips. That’s another MVP case for him. He’s U.S. Champ already, too.
-Josh tags in around four minutes and goes to town on Rude. He does the log roll on Rude’s abs and Rick no sells it. He does the same with some punches to the region. He does eat a clothesline, though. Nice section. The Alliance recoup on the floor and the crowd is happy.
-The pace slows with rest hold on Austin. The crowd is almost silent for a few moments and it’s eerie.
-Rude gets a cheap shot in that the ref has to try and ignore as the heels take over and put the heat on Josh.
-The locker rooms pop up and the Diamond Studd is pointed out with a sling. I notice Liger is in the wrong dressing room.
-The people in the front row of WCW 1991 shows are always something to behold.
-Paul holds Josh right in the ref’s view, gets hit by Austin on accident and Hammer gets the hot tag. He hits two good suplexes that don’t kill Steve.
-All four enter the ring (get used to that), Rude somehow manages a blind tag and we go home.
WINNERS: Steve Austin and Rick Rude in 12:56 when Rude pins Hammer with a Rude Awakening.
FINAL WORD: That’s probably as good as you’re going to get with this concept.
-A fan has a sign behind JR and Tony talking about inviting Madusa to room 269 at the Holiday Inn. A cop rightfully admonishes him. Bischoff and company announce Dustin Rhodes and Richard Morton as the next team. They will take on Larry Zbyszko and El Gigante. The locker shots are a mess. The themes try to play, so Larry coming down to Gigante’s lumbering shit is hilarious. Zbyszko is such an idiot, complaining about the biggest dude on the roster being his partner. JR points out the language difference as Larry stands on the top rope talking to his partner.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Dustin Rhodes and Richard Morton vs Larry Zbyszko and El Gigante w/Madusa
-Ricky Steamboat is Dustin Rhodes’ partner now and they are tag champs because The Dragon in WWF sucked.
-These matches always start the same: rudimentary hip tosses, arm drags and dropdowns.
-Dustin tags in Morton and Larry immediately tags the giant in. Morton bails quickly to a laugh. He still eats a slam that he hated taking.
-Dustin dropkicks Gigante to a no sell. A drop toe hold fails and the Living Legend complains that Dustin is not getting punched.
-They are switching up what corners the teams are standing in. That’s odd.
-Larry is still shouting for his partner to cheat and hold his foot up. Madusa yells and he yells back. She then bumps into a cameraman and legitimately gets scared. The camera guy apologizes. That was funny.
-Larry slaps Gigante for not following instructions. He goes ballistic, grabs his partner and throws him into some teamwork. Morton asks like a pure babyface as he counts along to the finish.
WINNERS: Dustin Rhodes and Richard Morton in 5:54 when Dustin pins Larry Zbyszko after a double dropkick.
-Gigante hugs Dustin, Morton blows them off and how stupid was all of this?
FINAL WORD: No, seriously. How stupid was all of this?
-JR and Tony break down the Dangerous Alliance’s number in Battlebowl before we go back to round four names: Bill Kazmaier and Jushin Liger. Thankfully, Liger gets a better reaction. They are taking on Diamond Dallas Page (who is wrestling already) and Mike Graham to a negative reaction. Zbyszko returns saying something about a jerk and he pushes Morton for continuity. This should be fucking something.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Bill Kazmaier and Jushin Thunder Liger vs Diamond Dallas Page and Mike Graham
-All these recent title changes! Liger has already beaten Brian Pillman on Christmas for the Light Heavyweight Title.
-Graham versus Liger to begin thankfully. I’ll never say that about Graham again.
-More communication talk from Schiavone, then he says Liger and Bill seem to know what they are saying. Yeah, people can be bilingual, dumbass!
-Graham botches two straight spots because Liger is too good for him. That makes little Mike an LVP. He doesn’t have a guitar, but still drew zero dimes.
-Kazmaier comes in and launches Graham in the air on a headlock. He doesn’t want to bump at all. What a dick. DDP comes in and I thought we were still a year away from this.
-Bill hits a gutwrench slam and skins the cat. He’s looked better than Graham so far and Graham fucking trained him!
-DDP does a nice over the top throat slam on the ropes, but allows the tag. What a sight Liger vs DDP is. Jushin is getting great reactions on his kicks, a headscissors and a slingshot splash. Someone is in the MVP conversation.
-The crowd gets back into it after more Kaz/Graham sloppiness with a Liger surfboard. Graham’s Boston Crab follow up looks like shit.
-Mike Graham is probably eliciting more “what the fuck” questions that George South entering to the whole intro of “Welcome to the Jungle” in the WrestleCon Rumble in 2017. Okay, fine! It’s the reference challenge!
- Why is this still going on ten minutes in? Kaz and DDP just bounced off each other. Liger is trying too hard, dishing out rapid fire kicks and his patented forward roll kick. Then, he shows sportsmanship having Bill put down Graham in a bearhug on a tag. The crowd claps. THEN, Liger does a 360 dive to the floor to a big pop. He had single handedly carried this match. MVP MVP MVP.
-Liger hits a second rope moonsault and DDP breaks up the pin. All four come in (I warned you) and this one ends solidly.
WINNERS: Bill Kazmaier and Jushin Thunder Liger in 13:09 when Liger pins DDP after a Gorilla Press crossbody.
-Schiavone is right: Kazmaier and Liger have been the best team so far.
FINAL WORD: Thank God for Jushin Thunder Liger.
-A SuperBrawl commercial calls the event equal to the Super Bowl and World Series. It’s on a Saturday, huh? I wonder where Cody (and Lex Luger) got that idea. It’s Leap Day. That’s probably why.
-Match five time. Bischoff announces Lex Luger to boos and his partner is Arn Anderson. They are taking on Terrence Taylor and Z-Man. That’s some heavy lifting on the face side for Zenk. I noticed Johnny B. Badd in the face locker room because he breaks the fourth wall. Funny hot mic moment from Missy Hyatt: “I can go now?”
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Lex Luger and Arn Anderson vs Terrence Taylor and Z-Man
-JR rightfully puts Arn over as having an advantage as the greatest tag wrestler. He nails Taylor early on the apron, bails and says he’s smart, then eats a punch from Terry to a good pop. Zenk and Taylor cause a good double down with good fire to start.
-Alexandra York’s status is unknown, but will be decided next week. Is it a performance review? She’s no ringside and Taylor has been losing a lot. Despite that, Tony calls him the most underrated wrestler on the roster, but because of the computer?
-Lex gets a press slam and taunts after a long arm hold from Taylor. JR talks about Luger being the man who brought in Cactus Jack and Abdullah the Butcher to take Sting out.
-A sunset flip basically across the whole length of the ring is countered by Lex tagging Arn in. JR calls out Tony’s “bone in his cap” analogy and he’s rightful for doing so.
-Arn snaps off a DDT almost as a transition move to Z-Man after taking some of his offense.
-Anderson and Zenk have good chemistry and Arn sells well for him. Taylor gets a hot tag and goes to town He gets two good near falls on the champ including a beautiful gutwrench powerbomb.
-All four (of course) come in and the Five Arm is called for. Zenk takes the ref’s attention, Arn hits a knee to Terry’s back and this was is done.
WINNERS: Arn Anderson and Lex Luger in 10:25 when Luger pins Taylor after an Attitude Adjustment.
-I have to point out that I loved Luger’s piledriver as a kid, but it really sucks.
FINAL WORD: Another totally fine tag match. I liked the Dangerous Alliance one earlier more because it had better heat, though.
-The commentators recap Battlebowl halfway through the undercard. Tony randomly brings up the chance of the Steiners facing off and gets into some odds. Let Scott take care of that. Schiavone is trending into LVP territory. Bischoff and friends are back. Bischoff keeps one name secret for a moment: it’s Ricky Steamboat. He’ll be teaming with Todd Champion. Missy is caught on a hot mic again: “that’s a shoot, huh?” They will be facing Cactus Jack and Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker (who is standing up before his name gets called.)
-Abdullah immediately beats Parker up in the locker room. Bobby Eaton in the foreground hold a chair up for protection. Abby kills Parker into a locker (protected) five times, then breaks a broom for protection. Nobody in the crowd knows what’s going on without a camera. Abdullah walks out with a smile, but the refs stop him and the bell rings.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Ricky Steamboat and Todd Champion vs Cactus Jack and Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker
-Parker walks out and Abby goes nuts on him again. Parker is in a prone position and takes 4 SCARY UNPROTECTED SHOTS TO THE HEAD with Abby’s cane shot. There are marks on his back, too. Poor guy.
-Off camera, Cactus takes a bump off the apron to the railing. Think the Tracy Smother bump, but again, OFF CAMERA. That’s the leader for the dumbest thing Mick Foley has done on this show. 30 seconds later, he is squealing in Ricky Steamboat’s face.
-Ricky hits a nice suicide dive through the ropes on Jack, who has holes in his tights and the nicest Native American pattern fringe top.
-The crowd starts a “Buddy” chant as he slowly crawls up the ramp to the first ring. Naturally, this match is in the second ring.
-Jack hits his second rope elbow to the floor on Champion. That’s tame for him so far.
-The commentators keep putting Parker over as one of the most underrated workers. Where’s Lt. James Earl?
-Jack falls into the corner and tags Buddy. He’s still largely out of it. He gets thrown into the ring.
-Steamboat hits one body slam and that’s the ball game.
WINNERS: Ricky Steamboat and Todd Champion in 7:50 when Steamboat pins Parker with the flying cross body.
FINAL WORD: What an odd spotlight on Buddy Parker and what an odd way to keep Cactus from the end. The story kept this nothing burger from being the worst on the show so far.
-After a brief recap, it’s time for more names. Bischoff announces Sting to a big pop. His partner is Abdullah the Butcher! He exits the locker room, smiling and crazed because he doesn’t get the concept. What an amazing visual. They are taking on Brian Pillman and Bobby Eaton. Abby runs down the ramp, waving, then goes to town on Sting. That’s awesome.
-He protects Sting as opposed to Parker as Pillman runs to help his friend. He nails Abby with THREE UNPROTECTED SHOTS TO THE HEAD with his cane. Eaton comes out and all four brawl without rhyme or reason. It’s basically Eaton vs Sting and Abdullah vs Pillman. There was never a bell from what I can tell.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Sting and Abdullah the Butcher vs Brian Pillman and Bobby Eaton
-Sting dives over the top onto Eaton.
-Eaton pushed Pillman. Butcher hits Sting from behind when he has a wristlock on Eaton.
-This is such an odd dynamic. Eaton puts Sting in his own corner so his teammate can stab him with a pencil. He distracts the ref in his own corner. Brian helps. This is not fun and incredibly confusing.
-Off camera, Pillman slams Abby. Great! The crowd loved it. At least we get to see the splash follow up.
-BOBBY TAGS ABDULLAH!!! The ref doesn’t allow it. Just make it that way and make this palpable.
-Sting tries a Tombstone, Eaton won’t cooperate and it lands sloppily. Butcher breaks it up. All four brawl and this isn’t a repeat. Cactus Jack comes back out and give Abdullah one more UNPROTECED CANE SHOT TO THE HEAD on accident. Jack sucks in kayfabe.
-More sloppy slop to close out as Pillman celebrates losing in this unbearable mess.
WINNERS: Sting and Abdullah the Butcher in 5:30 when Sting pins Eaton with a flying cross body.
FINAL WORD: The poster child for why this concept blows.
-Abdullah and Cactus are now brawling. Why???? Because, I guess. The stagehands try to break it up and eat some punches and elbows. They are called “T-Shirt Security” according to Ross. If they are just a bunch of job guys, they stink because a bunch of them are smiling. They all finally leave.
-Bischoff has more cheese as he introduces the next team: Rick Steiner and the Diamond Studd. His replacement is announced as the Nightstalker. They are taking on Big Van Vader and Mr. Hughes. Vader almost bowls over Rick Rude on his way out of the locker room. Vader and Hughes were somewhat of a regular team at this time.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Rick Steiner and the Nightstalker w/Diamond Studd vs Big Van Vader and Mr. Hughers
-Studd has a vested interest in this? I guess not as the ref forces him to the back. The Nightstalker is Adam Bomb/Wrath/Bryan Clarke/not good. He has a very basic look to him here.
-Vader and Rick start and it is stiff city. Vader clubs away and Rick Steinerlines away. The Gremlin hits an impressive overhead belly-to-belly and clothesline over the top. Then, he tries to dive through the ropes. Vader gives a stiff shot in retaliation and Rick smiles. I’m HERE for this!
-Rick (with Vader’s help) suplexes Vader back in the ring from the apron.
-Hughes comes in, so the fun stops. Steiner is on the MVP scale with some powerhouse attacks. He hits a nice back drop before getting beat down again.
-Hughes kicks out at fucking one on a German Suplex, then sells like shit on a collision. Here’s another LVP to consider.
-The Nightstalker enters with a bad top rope clothesline. This one breaks down horrifically. Rick almost kills Hughes with an over the top suplex. There was a tag here somewhere. The Stalker is just standing around waiting to get hit by Vader.
-Rick gives Hughes a bulldog while Vader splashes the Stalker. Only one pair is legal.
WINNERS: Big Van Vader and Mr. Hughes in 5:05 when Vader pins Nightstalker with a splash
-It’s a totally heatless ending because of how sloppy it was. The replay shows Nightstalker starting to sit up and Vader splashing his head and shoulders anyway for the pin. Then, Nightstalker just sits up after the three. Yuck all around.
FINAL WORD: The theme of the show has been one guy being the best part of each match and this one was Rick Steiner. Take that for what you will.
-Another SuperBrawl commercial, then back to the Worthless Three. The next team is Scott Steiner and Firebreaker Chip. They are versus Johnny B. Badd and Arachnaman. Oh boy. It’s Scott Steiner and three weirdos. THINK ABOUT THAT!!! This might as well be a big dance break to Uptown Funk (and my reference challenge is done). Let’s talk about Arachnaman. How did this last one day without Marvel suing? How is this still on the Network? Poor Brad Armstrong.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Scott Steiner and Firebreaker Chip vs Johnny B. Badd and Arachnaman
-Tony points out that all four men are good guys and Badd is pretending to be a light heavyweight.
-Chip is cocky and mocking Badd, so he eats boxing punches to the stomach.
-Chip does a good Shelton Benjamin jump/climb to the top rope to cross body someone, but almost brains himself.
-“We want Scott” chant brings him into the ring. He’s going to kill Arachnaman. He starts with a safe powerslam. Pardon me while I barf after Schiavone says the yellow and purple monstrosity is from Web City.
-JR reveals the final four guys in the locker room. Nowadays, they’d never do that or have some big swerve with one of the last participants.
-The commentators talk less fluff about Badd. He gets a good punch on Scott and it’s no sold, then followed by a wrestling takedown and a shoot spinebuster and pumphandle. YES, give me more!
-Okay, Scott definitely doesn’t like Badd. He gives him some stiff forearms, a Steinerline and a dope Tiger Bomb.
-Fuck, every time JR says “Arachnaman,” it just stands out as somehow stupider.
-Chip locks on a much better Boston Crab than Mike Graham. He also chain wrestles well. This Firebreaker ain’t bad. Can we keep him and not Bagwell? They are close enough.
-Steiner has yelled “come on, Chip” like 400 times. His surgeon, the famous James Andrews, is put over on commentary for working on Bo Jackson.
-Criss crosses until Chip tags Scott in as a house of fire. Naturally, all four get in together. Leave it to Steiner to find a unique clutch on a mid-air suplex catch.
WINNERS: Scott Steiner and Firebreaker Chip in 11:16 when Steiner pins Arachnaman with a clutch belly-to-belly suplex
FINAL WORD: No Frankensteiner, but I’m still satisified. This was partially exciting, at least.
-The final four men are announced by Snap, Crackle and Pop. It is Ron Simmons and Thomas Rich versus PN News and Steve Armstrong. There’s some kind of mishap with the envelopes. I love that guys like Bobby Eaton are already in their street clothes in the locker room because they are done for the night. Rich looks like Barry Breezeham. The commentators shit on News being picked last as he was the last guy left in the dressing room. It’s random! He can’t help it! Thomas tries a pre-bell handshake for like five minutes.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH- Ron Simmons and Thomas Rich vs PN News and Steve Armstrong
-Awkward spot to start where Steve purposely turns his back on Simmons twice, then gets surprised when he gets tapped on the shoulder. This is Ron’s first match back from injury apparently.
-Steve and Thomas bore the crowd, News tags in and won’t hit Rich while Steve hold him. “Let him go, man.” Like…the fuck?
-The crowd chants “we want Ron” and Rich obliges. It’s power match time and the babyfaces high five before locking up. PN takes a shot in the corner later and gets significant boos.
-News hits a running cross body! Eat your heart out, Brodus Clay!
-Every time it’s Armstrong vs Rich, I do something else. Sorry, not sorry.
-It’s a shame that’s the majority of the match.
-JR explains some of the piss poor continuity and work because of the random draw.
-Thomas sorta invents the Stunner, then hot tags Simmons. He owns on three straight moves: a great powerslam, a big slam to PN, then the finish.
WINNERS: Ron Simmons and Thomas Rich in 11:59 when Simmons pins Armstrong with a spinebuster.
The winners high five after the bell in a rare moment of heel/face fusion.
FINAL WORD: More Ron Simmons would have been really, really nice.
-JR and Tony look over the list of Battlebowl entrants and talk about Abdullah as the most important piece, recap the rules and analyze the bigger men, quicker guys and groups. Good time killer. We aren’t done with Missy and her buds just to say goodbye. GMC very briefly goes over the rules and the music is almost too loud to hear him. The procession of wrestlers starts. In order, we got Vader, Bagwell, Garvin, Rhodes, Kazmaier, Liger, Austin, Morton, Champion, Abdullah, Chip, Rich, Simmons, Steamboat (who waves at the camera and the operator falls down), Hughes, Scott Steiner, Luger with Harley Race, Rude with Paul E., Arn and Sting. We got deep into this Battlebowl song.
MATCH NUMBER ELEVEN: BATTLEBOWL TWO RING BATTLE ROYAL
-JR picks a big guy and Tony points out the pop for Bagwell. Steamboat and Anderson are fighting on the ramp already.
-Vader and Hughes dump Kazmaier over the top to the ramp, but that doesn’t count. I’d love to see how he’s going over any other way.
-Vader does the same from the ramp on Ricky, then slam him and tries a splash, but eats ramp instead.
-This is the main event of Starrcade, huh?!?!?! We’ve had four minutes of brawling and the crowd sitting on their hands.
-Vader is trying to kill Steamboat. He press slams him on the ramp. Dustin and Arn are fighting on the floor. What is happening?
-Todd Champion awkwardly dumps Thomas Rich over the top to ring two around five minutes. Tony clarifies that you don’t have to clear both ropes. So, that tiny gap is important, huh? Sting nails Lex and the crowd wakes up for it. Bagwell is the second man dumped into ring two by Morton. I think. It’s hard to tell.
-Dangerously walks up to JR and jawjacks about Oklahoma. Ross has a good line about Paul wearing his dad’s suit.
-Hughes dangerously throws Chip to ring two. He’s the LVP for not getting the memo. Bagwell tried to help by catching him. Morton just follows Liger over to ring two without going over the top. Liger solidifies his MVP case with an Asai moonsault, senton and headscissors. All of it! Give me all of it!!!
-JUSHIN LIGER and RICHARD MORTON are the 1st and 2nd men eliminated at 9:10 with a cross body spot over the top.
-GOOD LORD HUGHES ALMOST DIED. Simmons ducked him and Hughes thought he could clear everything. He got it done, but it looked rough.
-THOMAS RICH is the 3rd man eliminated and Arn and Ricky are now in ring two. Lex and Ron are on the ramp. There’s no continuity. Garvin is thrown into ring two, Champion walks through to follow him. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
-Abby, Austin and Steiner are now over. Feet and legs catch ropes and necks are almost killed. JIMMY GARVIN is the 4th man eliminated by Firebreaker Chip. Bill and Butcher are just hugging.
-Ron blatantly goes through the ropes to ring two. JR points it out. It still counts.
-Rude and Sting brawl to wake the crowd up and tumble into ring two. The first ring is down to Vader and Luger. That never happens again, right?
-Kaz continues to sloooooooooooowly bearhug Abdullah over the top in the corner. Off camera, FIREBREAKER CHIP is the 5th man eliminated.
-LEX LUGER wins ring 1 at 13:03 by clotheslining Vader into ring two. ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER is the 6th man eliminated and he pulls BILL KAZMAIER out as the 7th man eliminated. TODD CHAMPION is the 8th eliminated. This should finally settle.
-Picture in picture WHEN THERE IS ONLY ONE RING LEFT. There are two insets in a wide shot on everything. Unbelievable.
-Arn Anderson is the 9th man eliminated by Dustin Rhodes, DUSTIN RHODES is the 10th man eliminated by Steve Austin and RON SIMMONS and MR HUGHES are the 11th and 12th men eliminated in another double cross body.
-MARCUS BAGWELL is the 13th man eliminated unceremoniously by Steve Austin, VADER is the 14th man eliminated by a Steamboat and Sting double clothesline and SCOTT STEINER is the 15th man eliminated off camera because they naturally CUT AWAY WHEN THE EARLIER CAMERA SET UP WOULD HAVE WORKED BETTER.
-WHY HAVE WE GONE BACK TO THREE CAMERAS WHEN THERE ARE ONLY FOUR GUYS LEFT?!?!?! It’s Austin and Rude vs Steamboat and Sting.
-STEVE AUSTIN in the 16th man eliminated by an accidental Rude clothesline. Steamboat skins the cat and headscissors out RICK RUDE as the 17th man eliminated. Rude pulls him to the floor, so RICKY STEAMBOAT is the 18th man eliminated. That means STING wins ring 2 at 17:30. Rude blindsides Sting with a Rude Awakening. Man, all of the fucking odds are thrown against Sting here.
-Lex slowly walks over and surveys the damage before being told to go back to ring one. There are so many miscues, tech snafus and confusion between officials. This miscommunication adds up over time.
-Luger does a nice Sting scream taunt after clotheslining him down. JR is good here talking about their friendship and the bounty.
-Luger pulls out his inner Trump and tells the commentary team to tell it like it is before loudly calling a spot. Sting lands on the ramp and gets attacked by Harley, but slams him on the ramp. Luger comes out and throws Sting from the ramp to the rail. Shouldn’t that be it? He was thrown over the top rope to the ramp, now he’s on the floor.
-Sting bounces back and knocks Luger all over the floor around both rings.
-Sting lays into Lex propped on the top rope. Race interferes and eats a suplex. The Stinger Splash is thwarted and he eats the corner.
-Sting is thrown over the top, but hangs on. Lex celebrates, but Sting returns with punches and a bulldog. There are too many cuts to the crowd.
-Lex is clotheslined over the top, but he hangs on. Sting hits the rope for momentum for one more big push…
WINNER: Sting in 25:05
FINAL WORD: PLEASE no more double ring battle royals. The final two was not enough to save it. Just a disorganized disaster AKA the period on the sentence of WCW 1991.
-Sting celebrates as the crowd is more tepid than I’d expect. They are just tired and want to go home. Pyro goes off, then Sting leaves as Race protects Lex. JR and Schiavone recap while claiming it’s only a matter of time before Sting challenges for the world title. They sign off with the ring graphic behind the credits.
THE LAST IMAGE: Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: The best overall performer on this show was, far and away, JUSHIN THUNDER LIGER. Go figure.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Mike Graham was dreadfully dull, but MR. HUGHES was dreadfully dull and dangerous.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Rick Rude and Steve Austin vs Big Josh and Van Hammer
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Battlebowl
FINAL THOUGHTS: One more WCW 1991 clunker in the books. How can you have three straight shows with bad new characters, gimmicks that drag the show down, a general lack of cohesion and technical garbage. There are good performances, but the crowd was bored because the show had no oomph and it’s not what you want for your biggest show of the year. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: It’s the Royal Rumble 1992. Talk about feeling special. That being said, just thinking about it means I have to take care of this erection I have now.