We take a lot of things for granted as wrestling fans. Nowadays, it’s impossible to not expect a storyline to be wrapped up in a couple of months without getting stale or a star to be called up to NXT after a year or so or to complain about guys being underutilized.
My ask is that we stop all of that.
It’s the sign of the times changing and evolving and the world we live in. The main reason why I want that mentality to cease is because those feelings normally take over and leave stains or asterisks to get debuts or moments or shows.
Not to sound like an old timer again, but back in this time period, it didn’t have that sense to it. A big ass supercard like WrestleMania felt special no matter how good or bad it was and it existed with that rose tint to it. I’ve watched a couple stinkers in WrestleManias past and they still feel special because I didn’t live through the BS perspective.
I’m writing this as episode 500 of Podswoggle looms and one of the biggest things I want to achieve as it winds down and through this diary is: enjoy what you have. If you don’t like it, go watch or do something else and don’t ruin it for the people that like it. There’s something for everyone. Let the things that are special stay special.
Is this show main evented by a confirmed racist vs a confirmed homophobe? Absolutely. Did it change my overall enjoyment watching it? It’s hard, but I chose not to. I hope you can find it to do the same as you read along with me
Also, have fun because that’s exactly what this is.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 30- WRESTLEMANIA VI
Written on 5/15/2020
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: Constellations, ominous music and Vince McMahon with a voiceover. There seems to be shot at Sting with a scorpion in the sky. We pan over to see constellations of Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior and the Ultimate Challenge. The classic Mania song hits and they DO. NOT. MAKE. THEM. LIKE. THIS. ANYMORE. The SkyDome is huge and rocking. Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura welcome us together for the last time ☹ Jesse puts the event over The World Series and the Rolling Stones and it’s so damn good. I can’t see Edge in the sea of people because his seats probably suck. Sorry, Tope.
-The Fink introduces Robert Goulet to sing the Canadian national anthem. It’s sadly not the Thong Song. I guess Will Ferrell SNL skits is today’s reference challenge. A quick, boring montage of Canadian images play and it’s almost perfect. Goulet looks like one of my mom’s old boyfriends.
-The Birdman song plays for Koko B. Ware and Frankie on one of those sweet ring carts! Is Tony Chimel driving? Jesse says Goulet reminds him of Axl Rose and Gorilla admits he has no idea who that is. Man, the scope of this show is incredible already. Sweet Model music plays for Rick Martel and he gets good heat being billed from Cocoa Beach when the crowd knows he’s Canadian. Eat your scarf’s heart out, MJF. Martel looks like he’s wearing a pair of my mom’s old sunglasses. Can I do 2 reference attempts?!?
MATCH NUMBER ONE: Koko B. Ware vs Rick Martel
-Martel punches Koko to start and Koko answers with a nice crossbody off the second rope, dropkicks and a clothesline to the floor.
-Martel throws Koko over the top rope and it almost knocks Frankie off of his perch. That would have been great! Imagine WrestleMania with a live macaw on the loose!
-The match slows down with the heel controlling the action with a suplex and backbreaker. His first crab attempt is blocked by getting to the ropes.
-I love how conversational Jesse and Gorilla are debating the cheapness or using the rope to break the submission attempt.
-Koko no sells his head smashed into the turnbuckle like the Rumble and Martel double bumps on a forearm.
-Koko misses a second crossbody mostly and we have a lot of matches to get to!
WINNER: Rick Martel in 5:29 with a Boston Crab
FINAL WORD: What a refreshing clean win! With a submission no less! Let’s go!
-Mean Gene is backstage with The Brain and the “Colostomy Connection.” Andre the Giant is already sweating. Some weird unison with Haku and Andre saying “eliminate them”. Sadly, Mean Gene is an early LVP candidate after an awful attempt at humor I didn’t understand, something about regular guys.
-Demolition is interviewed by Sean Mooney. Ax needs a bigger lozenge than Smash while Smash wants to run the heels off of a cliff in a truck. BABYFACE MURDER! This makes me somehow miss Road Warriors promos.
-Fink introduces the Colossal Connection…the champs…already in the ring. Haku is wearing a sweet sarong and ring jacket. Demolition enter to a good pop and this is the most babyface I’ve ever seen them. Fuck, their theme slaps. I may make Jim Johnston the MVP so far.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: TAG TITLE MATCH- Demolition vs The Colossal Connection w/Bobby Heenan (Champs)
-The heels jump the faces at the bell with Smash and Haku finally starting the match.
-Ax tags in and taunts Andre, who takes an hour to get in the ring, lightly punch him and then leave to go back on the apron.
-A long test of strength spot in a backslide position that gets broken up by Andre.
-The crowd oooohs at a big throat thrust by Haku on Ax. They’ve been digging everything so far.
-Haku is the MVP early with a little bit of cockiness and some martial arts stuff. Heenan sneaks a “love tap” to Ax behind the ref’s back.
-I don’t recognize either referee so far. They must be some Canuck locals.
-This is basically an Ax vs Haku singles match. Smash has been out since the opening minute and Andre has never officially tagged in.
-Haku is blown up with all of the work he has been doing. Ax hits a big boot and clothesline before getting the hot tag. Haku is not so lucky.
-Andre comes in to break up a two count. He takes a double clothesline and barely bumps. It’s so sad that I have to name him an LVP. He recovers and grabs Smash, but eats a kick from Haku and gets tied in the ropes to watch the finish.
WINNERS: Demolition in 9:14 to win the titles when Ax pins Haku after a Demolition Decapitation.
FINAL WORD: Man, remember when the audience really, truly cared about the tag teams. This got a big ass pop and reaction.
-The commentators put over Demolition’s third reign as Heenan is livid. He berates Andre and pokes him in the chest before finally slapping him. Andre has enough and grabs him, paint brushes him and punches him a couple of times. Haku is caught from behind and taken down. The crowd loves it. Andre prevents them from escaping on the cart and leaves in the cart by himself. He gets a good ovation and that’s a series wrap on Andre in ring on these diaries. He’s chewed up and spat out.
-Mean Gene is backstage with Jimmy Hart and Earthquake. I’m assuming he’s no longer the Canadian Earthquake because they didn’t want him cheered here. Hart cuts the promo while Hercules’ music plays in the arena. Quake has hyperactive everything, but he’s still a good promo.
-Back in the arena and Hercules with his chains and steroid bloat finishes his cart ride to the ring. Man…Jim Johnston is the MVP! Even this Earthquake theme works. Quake’s singlet is a little too bland and wet for my taste. Gorilla says he is undefeated and has sent 28 men to the hospital.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Hercules vs Earthquake w/Jimmy Hart
-Earthquake tries to sneak attack at the bell as Herc puts his chain away and misses. He powders soon afterwards and gets some loud encouragement by Jimmy.
-Hercules does a good job looking minimally intimidated by Quake’s tremor taunt.
-A test of strength is long and the only thing that happens for 90 seconds. Herc powers up and gets cut off. How the fuck is Quake’s mouth busted? Nothing has happened!
-5 shots stagger Quake to one knee and Herc tries a backbreaker only to get 2 BIG elbow drops.
-Tremor time! Herc sells them on the mat. Man…is he the MVP so far?
WINNER: Earthquake in 4:53 with the Earthquake Splash
-After the bell, Quake hits the Aftershock, which is just another Earthquake Splash. Hercules eventually gets back to his feet after some good selling.
FINAL WORD: Nothing to write home about, but another good undercard win for a heel that was absolutely clean.
-Rona Barrett (whoever that is) is backstage talking to Miss Elizabeth on some couches. Barrett apparently interviews Hollywood celebrities. They talk about Liz’s time away from ringside and she has stayed away because she doesn’t want to disappoint her fans by not being involved. She promises to be more active if she comes back. What a waste of time.
-Sean Mooney is another backstage LVP candidate with a second straight oversell of an interview, this time with Brutus Beefcake. There is a sweet payphone in the back. It is more noticeable than talent in Ed Leslie.
-Mr. Perfect’s theme hits as the Genius does the intro. Jesse tells Gorilla to not be jealous because he only passed the ninth grade and Gorilla doesn’t even fight it. Funny. Beefcake enters and the crowd isn’t as loud as I’d expect. Jesse keeps talking about his Hollywood chances and looks. This chemistry will sadly be missed. Gorilla says it looks like a grenade went off in Beefcake’s pocket and then they say hello to Jesse’s kids. I’m legit sad!
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Mr. Perfect w/The Genius vs Brutus Beefcake
-Perfect does an incredible 360 degree sell on a single punch. He does two more over the top sells on another punch and an atomic drop 60 seconds in. With that alone, Curt Hennig has surpassed Haku and Hercules as MVP.
-Then, Perfect does a front flip bump on an Irish Whip to the turnbuckle. This is basically HBK/Hogan before it exists. MVP MVP MVP. Beefcake looks like a god right now.
-Mary Tyler Moore is shown in the front row clapping for Brutus. I used to like her…
-Perfect hits Beefcake with the Genius’ scroll behind the ref’s back. It looked pretty harsh and was totally unprotected. I’m not going to count it just in case because they could be very gimmicked.
-Jesse criticizes Joey Marella’s counting and Gorilla messing up 180 and 360 degrees. Here’s one last MVP case for Jesse in his last WWE effort.
-Classic Perfect offsense with the neck twist, knees, slaps and taunts rounded out by getting hit with a slingshot into the corner, hitting the post as always. And that was abrupt.
WINNER: Brutus Beefcake in 7:47 after a slingshot into the ring post.
-The Genius steals the clippers as Beefcake threatens Perfect. They play cat and mouse as this time is spent on this horseshit instead of time actually wrestled for the match. The sleeper is applied and Jesse says the line of the century: “since when do people dictate what happens in the WWF?” This is still going on and Lanny Poffo’s hair is finally cut and thrown as he is appears to be close to tears.
FINAL WORD: Considering that was the third or fourth biggest match on the show, it fell into the category of “fine” way too easily.
-A recap of the Roddy Piper/Bad News Brown skirmish at the Royal Rumble is shown. Context!!! Think about it, NWA!!! Another brawl is shown from Wrestling Challenge and OH NO! Mean Gene is with Piper…who is half white and half black. That is not good…just like Piper’s promo about bug eyes and big ears and cute schnauzers. That’s a surefire LVP case even before his black half is called “Hot Scot.” Piper makes a Ralph Cramden reference and I can’t believe nobody minded this to a significant level even in 1990.
-Bad News Brown is already in the ring and bagpipes play for Piper usually the ring cart this time. A sign in the crowd says “Piper for P.M”. Well, he’s halfway with the black paint (that’s a good ass joke). Ventura says he’ll be biased for once and root for his “Tag Team” TV show partner in Piper. Don’t worry, you won’t be partners for long.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Bad News Brown vs Roddy Piper
-Piper makes things worse with Michael Jackson leg kicks, then a Saturday Night Fever dance. Mean Gene and Mooney will have to work their asses off to earn back the LVP.
-The match starts 90 seconds after the bell with the two men just rolling around on the mat.
-Danny Davis keeps separating the only moves in the match, which are punches.
-Why do so many guys no sell shots to the head in the turnbuckle? Piper just did it twice.
-The camera work is excellent by getting very impressive shots of the crowd.
-Brown starts laying in slams and elbows and Piper responds with a lazy eye poke.
-Brown removes the turnbuckle pad and naturally gets reversed into it. Piper retrieves a white glove from his trunks and attacks. That’s another dumb facet to this mess.
-A brawl develops on the floor. Brown punches the post, Piper misses a big swing with a chair and the bell rings.
WINNER: Double Countout in 6:46
-The fight continues up the aisleway and this never gets resolved. Nobody would job, I guess.
FINAL WORD: It’s very black and white that this whole thing stunk.
-Comedy legend Steve Allen is playing piano in the shower. The Bolsheviks enter to sing the Russian national anthem. Allen is decently humorous, playing fake songs about Russia and then a toilet interrupts. It’s crazy that Allen will hate all of this and align with the PTC in 10 years.
-The Hart Foundation is in the ring. This is the weakest reaction to Bret Hart in Canada ever. The Bolsheviks ring out in the car. The Cold War is over! Nobody cares! Bret gives his glasses away to a kid in the front row and Jesse claims the kid won’t see for a week. Nikolai Volkoff requests the anthem and gets traditional heel heat. Jim Neidhart has enough and the faces jump the heels for once.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: The Hart Foundation vs The Bolsheviks
-Nikolai is knocked out of the ring immediately.
-Good-bye!
WINNERS: The Hart Foundation in 0:18 when Bret Hart pins Boris Zhukov after a Hart Attack.
FINAL WORD: A great way to make the Hart Foundation strong. Also, how the hell can an 18 second match be better than Piper/Brown?
-The L.A. Memorial Coliseum is announced as the site of WrestleMania VII. Yeah…about that. Jesse says he is going home and will see all of his friends there. Yeah…about that. No music is played as someone is on a cart on their way out. It’s the Barbarian with Bobby Heenan and nobody reacts. I can see dozens of people heading to the concession stands.
-Mean Gene is with Tito Santana, who is asked about the Barbarian’s transition to singles. Tito puts him over well in a basic 20 second promo before his music hits. Jesse makes an assumed offensive joke about Tijuana that Gorilla cuts off when it gets to picking up Juanita. Is there no Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal for these two?
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: The Barbarian w/Bobby Heenan vs Tito Santana
-Ventura is talking his way out of the MVP race by discussing Tito’s enchiladas causing countouts and diarrhea.
-A long headlock leads into a missed headbutt by Barbarian. Tito escapes the powerbomb position by punching out of it.
-Barb hits a SWEET boot, then misses an elbow drop from the second rope after walking it briefly. Barbarian can GO.
-Tito hits the flying burrito and the Brain puts his charge’s foot on the bottom rope.
-A scary moment when Barbarian blocks a go behind roll up and Tito’s head catches the bottom rope.
-Speaking of decapitation…
WINNER: The Barbarian in 4:32 with a top rope clothesline
-The replay shows the precision of the clothesline and Tito’s great sell.
FINAL WORD: What is more surprising: how much of a little gem that was or how there’s another cleanish heel win on this show?
-A recap of the mixed tag feud from the Rumble and the Ultimate Challenge Special one week prior plays. Mooney is with Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire and I have no idea how Dusty’s arm is uglier than everything else on him somehow. Dusty claims they have the crown jewel and I have no idea what that means. They’re probably went to Saudi Arabia back then and I don’t remember it.
-Fink announces the first ever mixed tag match as the Macho King and Queen enter. My god, I love that look on Savage. The cart is raised and much slower to the ring as the King sits on his throne. You could have six or seven Hart Foundation matches during this intro. Common Man Boogie hits and I need that inverted polka dots tank top Dusty is wearing. Jesse naturally calls out the announced weight of 465 pounds by asking “Dusty is only 200?” Damn it, he’s trying to earn it back. Dusty gets on the mic and announces the crown jewel: Miss Elizabeth! She enters in a cart to Pomp and Circumstance just like Savage. She gets a better ovation than Dusty and Sapphire. Dusty holds the ropes for her as Jesse gets more fat jokes and Slim Fast quips for Sapphire.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: MIXED TAG MATCH- Randy Savage and Sensational Sherri vs Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire w/Miss Elizabeth
-Sherri hits Dusty from behind after Jesse explains that the men and women won’t be facing each other, then asking “why not with the women’s movement?” 30 years later, the issue persists!
-Macho King bumps into Sherri twice and she goes flying each time.
-Sapphire hits some butt bumps, an airplane spin and tries a weird cover. I’ve seen a lot worse, to be honest. Dusty is back in and Savage has gotten zero offense. He even takes a slap from Sapphire and the heels bump into each other for the third time.
-Dusty doesn’t mind putting his hands on Sherri, that’s for sure. She finally gets a slap and Macho nails Dusty with 2 double axe handles from the ring to the floor.
-Sapphire blocks the third axe handle and Savage pushes her down out of the way. Damn, this is more than you get in WWE nowadays.
-Savage destroys his back suplexing Dusty, gets his king scepter and axe handles Dusty from behind.
-Sherri tags in and splashes Dusty from the top. The ref allows the pin for some reason and she gets a two before Dusty double noggin knocks the heels. The commentators have been arguing the whole time over the rules and the attacks on the opposite sex.
-An ugly beal by Sapphire on Sherri leads to Liz throwing Sherri back in and Sapphire hitting some kind of suplex/DDT combo. Sapphire: innovator or botch machine? Tonight on the MacLaughlin Report!
-Liz pulls Sherri’s hair and the Queen falls back into the finish.
WINNERS: Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire in 7:31 when Sapphire pins Queen Sherri with a roll up
-Macho tries a post-match scepter attack and Dusty thwarts him.
-Upon further research, Sapphire was 55 YEARS OLD HERE. Holy shit, good for her!
-Liz dances like such a white lady. The Spartan Cheerleaders were much, much better (one to go).
FINAL WORD: That match was the college freshman girlfriend of matches: a fun mess.
-Another WrestleMania VII ad plays before Mean Gene interviews Bobby Heenan who is sweating like Sunny in a lie detector test. Gene tells a lame mother-in-law joke before asking about the Andre attack. Heenan shows great intensity in his promo discussing a new family. The commentators are now with Rona Barrett who has tidbits apparently. There is weird talk about an X-rated film clip of Jesse. Jesse sends it away before it can be played.
-Mooney is with the King and Queen, apoplectic. Macho naturally uses the aforementioned pay phone as a prop. A direct quote: “suffering builds character!” If his match was better, his promo would vault him into MVP status. Sherri just screams during all of this.
-Mean Gene is with Demolition, still sweaty for some reason 90 minutes later. Ax is a much better promo than Smash. They foreshadow the Hart Foundation feud, but it’s still nothing special. Apparently, there was a five-minute intermission. Jesse says Gorilla put down a few hot dogs in that time before taking it to ringside.
-We actually go backstage with Mean Gene and Hulk Hogan. Hulk puts over the Skydome as the greatest building ever and talks about his energy and “where the power lies” AKA his hand. Hulk asks Warrior if he wants to live forever and breathe his last breath and save his life with Hulkamania. Has Hulkamania been a cult this whole time? He wraps up by saying that he hopes Warrior is a good loser. That’s rich. Overall, that was a solid promo.
-Meanwhile, Mooney is with the Ultimate Warrior. Warrior grabs him and says that “he’s a normal and don’t deserve to breath the same air as Hulk Hogan and I do” and throws him out of the shot. Heel much?!?!?! What a perm on Warrior, by the way. Mr. Hellwig cuts another promo I cannot interpret. It’s the Dalai Lama on crack, heroin, glue and HGH all at once. He doesn’t want to destroy Hulkamania, he wants Hogan to join his warriors. His accent is like an eight-year-old with a speech impediment. I know it won’t stick, but that’s an LVP caliber promo.
-GONG! The Orient Express with Mr. Fuji enter. Oy, the racism. The Rockers enter with their badass yellow graffiti gear. They resemble a cake on Nailed It. Man, this is a good tag title scene.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: The Orient Express w/Mr. Fuji vs The Rockers
-Marty Jannetty and Tanaka start. Tanaka looks like my mom’s old friend from the PTA (one of two reference challenges down!)
-Tanaka is Asian Bobby Eaton. He is so damn underrated.
-The Rockers hit a double team hip tosses, kip ups and dives over the top rope.
-Sato and Fuji attack Marty with the cane on the floor.
-Marty lands on his feed from a back drop, tags Shawn in and a Superkick Party breaks out! FTYB!
=HBK and Sato are now legal and Shawn takes another shot from behind by Fuji.
-Pat Tanaka is the shit! Off a rebound, he hits a great headbutt thar resembles a forearm with high impact. He was born in the wrong era. He goes over the back of Michaels and gets turned inside out on a clothesline.
-Hot tag to Marty and dominates in a 2 on 1 scenario. Michaels tags back in and Tanaka takes a double back body drop and lands on his belly! MVP for Tanaka!
-Sato salts Marty on the floor and walks over the railing as Michaels walks right by, chasing Fuji. The bell rings and that’s a shame.
WINNERS: The Orient Express in 7:37 by countout
FINAL WORD: Another great match with a shitty ending here on Starrcade…I mean WrestleMania.
-Steve Allen is backstage with Rhythm and Blues. Man, Greg Valentine in leather pants is an image I never want to see again. Allen is more excited than “when he learned Pee Wee Herman was straight.” He was doing so well. Another lame Tiny Tim joke and he’s done with me. This was one skit too many.
-Dino Bravo is in the ring with Jimmy Hart and Earthquake. He is announced from Canada and gets mostly booed, but there is a smattering of cheers. Jim Duggan enters with the U.S. flag and the crowd still gives him a good pop. Jesse calls him out for being dumb and his tone of voice legitimately made me LOL. Now I hear a few boo birds. Duggan stalls and stalls with HOOOOOOOOOOOOOs, his 2X4 and the flag.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: Dino Bravo w/Jimmy Hart and Earthquake vs Jim Duggan
-It’s your usual sloppy Duggan with clothelines, tackles and punches to start.
-God forgive me: I’m so tired of HOOOOOOOOOOOOO. And all of the non-bumps. Duggan is possibly LVP again.
-Quake takes a shot at Duggan behind the ref’s back and Dino hits an elbow for 2.
-Duggan starts a weak comeback, gets in his three-point stance and Quake gets involved again. Hart gives Dino the 2X4 and Duggan intercepts like Charles Woodson.
WINNER: Jim Duggan in 4:15 after a shot with his 2X4 behind the ref’s back.
-Quake attacks Duggan after the bell and drops some elbows and 3 straight Earthquake Splashes. This gets some good heat building Quake as a monster heel.
FINAL WORD: What a stupid heel/face dynamic and what a stupid four minutes of “wrestling.”
-A recap of May 1989 and Ted DiBiase taking out Jake Roberts. Cut to six months later and Jake returning with his eyes on the Million Dollar Championship.
-FINALLY!!! Ted DiBiase has music! Jim Johnston is MVP again!!! The commentators argue over the validity of the title. Mean Gene interviews Jake and this…promo…can…FUCK. Only Jake could talk about groveling and making Ted beg so cool, calm and collected. That’s an MVP promo, basically the opposite of Warrior’s earlier. Mean Gene says Longfellow couldn’t say it better. Ted is announced as hailing from his spring residence of Palm Beach and Jake enters in his classic pink tights.
MATCH NUMBER ELEVEN: MILLION DOLLAR TITLE MATCH- Jake Roberts vs Ted DiBiase w/Virgil (Champ)
-Jake gets some good impact on a knee lift and solid psychology on a DDT attempt early.
-Elbow drops are countered back and forth and Ted blocks another DDT.
-Jesse is amazed that Gorilla can eat a hot dog during every interview.
-The match slows down with a hammerlock and Gorilla makes up some back muscle that Jesse makes fun of.
-DiBiase smartly side steps a knee lift and Jake takes a big tumble in the corner. Something is happening in the crowd that elicits a lot of cheering. These people are missing a good match.
-Oh, it’s a fucking WAVE in the nosebleeds. Jesse calls it out. Even in 1990, this bothers me. A wide shot shows it happening twice. Didn’t it just start as a thing? It’s all the commentators can talk about.
-The wave is actively ruining this good match. DiBiase yells at the crowd and Jesse passes it off as heat for Ted. One piledriver and the crowd is booing up a storm and back into it. That’s a pro right there. He stands over Jake and gets rolled into a sunset flip for a good nearfall.
-The Million Dollar Dream is on and the crowd is loud in their support. Jake gets his foot on the rope to break. DiBiase gets caught on the second rope and I should have tracked that stat like Flair off the top rope.
-A loud DDT chant and Jake hits the prelude in the short arm clothesline. He calls for it and the crowd is bananas. Ted grabs the ref’s foot and Virgil pulls Jake out of the ring and slams him on the floor.
-The Dream is applied on the floor again and Ted gets sent into the post. Virgil throws Ted back into the ring and Jake is down on the floor for no real reason at all.
WINNER: Ted DiBiase in 11:54 by countout
FINAL WORD: Two pros doing their goddamn job well despite another non-finish finish.
-The crowd is deflated with a long DiBiase celebration. Jake finally gets up and hits a double clothesline, causing money to fly everywhere. Virgil bails with the Million Dollar Title and DiBiase finally eats a DDT.
-Jake gathers the money he would need 10 years later and gives it to fans in the front row. Like they need it! He literally gives Mary Tyler Moore one bill! Jesse and Gorilla call that out before Jake stuffs a bill into Ted’s mouth. Virgil returns to save Ted from Damien and Jake gives chase to the servant.
--Mooney is backstage with Slick and Akeem. They recap the Big Boss Man’s split over DiBiase’s money and Slick’s promo makes him the worst manager at the time. He’s like a bad Larry Fishburne character. That’s another LVP candidate. Mean Gene is with the Boss Man, who calls Ted scum and says he won’t take money from anybody. He wraps his promo up by calling Akeem a fat tribal reject.
-Jive Soul Bro plays one more time and Akeem is really jiving in the cart. Slick’s dancing doesn’t help. Hard Times plays and GIVE JIM JOHNSTON THAT MVP!!!!! It must be hot off the presses. It’s a quiet reaction for the newly babyface Boss Man. DiBiase is still at ringside somehow and clobbers Boss, slamming him on the floor. Continuity!!! He then sends Boss into the post and almost into the crowd.
MATCH NUMBER TWELVE: Akeem w/Slick vs Big Boss Man
-The bell never rings as far as I can tell. Akeem is all over Boss Man to start.
-Some punches in the corner and the ropes are struggling under the weight of Akeem.
-Boss Man hits a weird looking Atomic Drop out of the corner and multiple Irish Whips on the comeback.
-Akeem ducks a clothesline and then takes one impressive bump.
WINNER: Big Boss Man in 1:47 with a Boss Man Slam
-Boss hits Slick post-match and the crowd is digging him now.
FINAL WORD: That was more story than match, but it’s forgivable because there’s 900 pounds at battle here.
-Sean Mooney is in the crowd. Someone hit him!!! He is promoting Honky Tonk Man and Greg Valentine’s single. They ask a kid what they think of the song and he is GREAT. He is such a nerd, but man…so great. He looks like Jameson Jr. Mooney interviews a little girl who actually knows the name of the song. Mary Tyler Moore is then interviewed and she has no idea what is going on, but answers as plainly as possible to avoid embarrassment.
-The bell rings for Hunka Hunka Hunka Honky Love or something. Rhythm and Blues enters in a pink Cadillac driven by DDP. It’s crazy that he’s 46 years old here. Gorilla makes Jesse break talking about the Honkettes. Greg Valentine is so out of place here. Honky asks if everyone is ready and this is just as purposefully bad and unintentionally bad as you’d think. It’s off beat, there’s bad feedback and even the lighting sucks. This could be 10-12 Hart Foundation matches. Valentine is an LVP candidate with everything he’s doing. Where is Marty Culp on keyboard (and I’m done)? They sing the whole damn song.
-Some vendors are now at ringside and they are actually the Bushwhackers. They interrupt the song and Whack in the ring as the heels powder. They try to play the guitars, but smash them instead. At least there wasn’t a match.
-Another weird edit and we are back with Jesse and Gorilla in the box. Fink announces the attendance record of 67,678. A different song than the one we know and love plays for Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan. Fink’s mic is messed up, so this might be a dub. Steve Allen is in the booth and calls Gorilla his “long term friend.” I love Rude’s green tights with his face on them. Snuka enters and what a difference five years makes in regards to reaction. Nobody is cheering and rightfully so. Allen says Snuka is so ugly that a vampire flew in and bit the bedpost. Ok, I can dig that.
MATCH NUMBER THIRTEEN: Rick Rude w/Bobby Heenan vs Jimmy Snuka
-Three big bumps from Rude to start: a missed dropkick and two back body drops. There’s something with those Minnesota boys.
-Rude hits a short suplex and a hip swivel. He’s on a roll.
-Aleen says Snuka is wearing his wife’s underwear.
-Snuka and Rude have a good back and forth off of the ropes. Snuka jumps over Rude from the top rope and then they blow a spot. Rude recovers by dodging a second rope headbutt.
-I like this momentum built in these heel wins.
WINNER: Rick Rude in 3:50 with the Rude Awakening
FINAL WORD: That’s the tenth cigarette of matches: right in the middle of the pack.
-The epic battle at the Rumble is recapped and the Saturday Night’s Main Event the following week with Warrior accidentally hitting Hogan. Then Hulk saves Warrior on the Main Event from Earthquake (which seemed like a totally clean beatdown in a match) and Warrior confronts Hogan about it. Then, Quake in caca brown attacks Hogan after a match and Warrior saves Hulk. It’s so simple, but so effective. They tease a Warrior sneak attack and we are live and ready!
-Warrior’s music hits and he runs to the ring AKA totally fucking gassed. It’s his iconic look and the crowd is behind him, but I expected louder.
-Hulk gets a much bigger pop and the epic shot of the Hogan banner while Warrior looks on from the second rope is shown. Hogan doesn’t use the cart either. Hulk does a shorter shirt rip and he looks so focused and confident. The crowd is firmly in his corner.
MATCH NUMBER FOURTEEN: WWF AND IC TITLE MATCH- Ultimate Warrior (IC Champ) vs Hulk Hogan (WWF Champ)
-The bell rings with both guys still wearing their belts. Hebner gives them instructions, they face off and the crowd is chanting Hogan.
-The bell rings again at 1:09. Warrior shoves Hogan, beats his chest, Hulk shoves him back, they lock up and every move gets a huge reaction no matter how simple.
-A test of strength and Jesse is working harder than the wrestlers in this match. “Look at the strength, look at the sweat, look at the muscles!” Warrior wins, bringing Hulk to his knees. Here’s the start of the memes!
-Hulk is back to his feet and now the Warrior is down in more ways than one.
-Is he brushing his teeth with it?
-Hogan’s facial expressions are on point. Let me throw some moves at you real quick: wrestling takedown, elbow drop, criss cross, drop down, Hogan slam and Warrior no sell. Run it back with Warrior slamming Hogan and Hogan sells it, then gets clotheslined over the top rope. He comes up limping. I hate to say it, but Hulk Hogan is on the MVP board. This is good because of him.
-Warrior attacks Hogan on the floor and he is as close to a heel as you can get in this. Hulk tells Hebner his knee is gone, but gets back in the ring. A battle of eye rakes and chokes ensues.
-Hulk fights back with some punches in the corner, slams, elbows and a small package. He puts Warrior in a front headlock and Jesse tells us to ask Richard Belzer how devastating it is. WOW, they acknowledge that shit.
-Hogan is in control. He’s got his working shoes on. Nice delayed belly to belly for a close 2 count.
-Warrior gets up from a headlock and they hit another classic double clothesline double down.
-Warrior gets back to his feet on a loooooong 9 count and Hulk is up soon afterwards. Warrior shakes the ropes as he Ultimates up. Using destrucity, maybe? Hogan takes three clothelines, a chop and an Irish Whip. Hulk looks so vulnerable here. A suplex is followed by a bearhug because Jim needs a break.
-This bearhug is too long, but Hulk sells it well enough. His arm is up on 3 and he punches out of the move and we get a ref bump! I don’t remember that!
-Warrior hits two top rope double axe handles and Hogan hits a good sidestep counter of the shoulder tackle. Hogan gets a visual three count with the ref down and that’s the only way he’d do the job.
-Warrior gets his own visual 3 count on a belly to back suplex and Hebner crawls over for a two count. Everybody in the crowd is on their feet.
-A slugfest on the floor and Hulk is rammed into the post. Back in the ring, Warrior doesn’t kill Hogan on the press slam, hits the splash and Hogan Hulks up at two. Punch block, big boot and this is the Ultimate hope spot.
-Of course he kicks out RIGHT at 3!
WINNER: The Ultimate Warrior in 22:47 with the big splash
-Hogan is down on his knees asking God “how” while the Warrior celebrates. Hogan grabs the title and he’s almost in tears. Fuck…he’s the MVP.
-Hogan presents the belt to Warrior, raises his hand and give him a hug. Gorilla claims Hulk just took one giant leap towards immortality. Jesse even sings some rare praise for Hogan going out like a true champ. My theory is Hogan just didn’t want the workhorse title.
FINAL WORD: Satan is still feeding off of the blood that was sold to make this match as epic and good as it was.
-Hulk leaves on the cart and I recall his BS story about knowing right then and there that Warrior wasn’t going to work because everyone was looking at him leaving. That’s total BS because Warrior poses as pyro goes off. Warrior Two Belts over here!
-Gorilla signs off with Jesse one last time with loud, booming fireworks blaring in the Skydome.
THE LAST IMAGE: Pryo in the Skydome and the Ultimate Warrior on the big screen.
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP: Jesse Ventura had too many poor comments, Tanaka was too inconsequential, Mr. Perfect just sold for a few minutes and Jake Roberts fell a tad short. Hulk Hogan made the Ultimate Warrior and pretended the Skydome was the Tokyo Dome.
FINAL LVP: I feel bad for Greg Valentine and I’m passed the point of expecting anything else from Jim Duggan, but Roddy Piper made boneheaded decision and wrestled a boneheaded match.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Ultimate Warrior vs Hulk Hogan
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Jim Duggan vs Dino Bravo
FINAL THOUGHTS: That just felt like a WrestleMania. The crowd was thoroughly pleased and the show laid the groundwork for the rest of the year very well. 14 matches is too many and there were some shoddy finishes, but this was still a joy to behold. As the second best Mania so far, MULLET RECOMMENDS.
NEXT TIME: As one Blade Runner is made the top guy at the biggest show of the year, another is backed up by RoboCop. Oh yes, it’s Capitol Combat time.