As I get older, I tend to appreciate the past as a grizzled veteran of life a lot more. I hate being the “back in my day” person at the age of 33, but I feel like that a lot nowadays. I’ve always been a storyteller (hence the hundreds of thousands of words devoted to my stupid thoughts on retro PPVs you are hopefully enjoying). I think one of the main reasons for that is just how good my childhood was.
I can attribute that to so many things. My family, specifically my mother and grandmother, raised me with such warmth and care. I didn’t have any real hardships or struggles making friends or living in poverty. Good things happened to me.
Ultimately, though, I have to chalk it up to being a product of growing up in the 1990s. That time period was honestly the best. Sure, a LOT of bad things happened in the world during that time. I was lucky enough to be oblivious to almost all of it because I was a child, but the prosperity and innovation and style and energy of entertainment and the world was met with an astonishing innocence and flavor that will never be met or seen again with the advent of social media and general abrasiveness and politically correctness that we live in now (sometimes, rightfully so).
So, as I begin this decade in this retro diary, allow me to be upfront with the bias you will probably see play out over the next dozens and dozens of shows. This was what I grew up with and this was how wrestling was like back in my day. I miss it and I love it.
Case in point.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 28- WWF ROYAL RUMBLE 1990
Written on 5/12/2020
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: “It’s time to RUMBLE!!!!” Vince McMahon welcomes us with some rocking blocks and ominous music and I fucking rewound this. Here is the AUDIO at least. They don’t make it like this anymore. What a roster. All of the Rumble participants, undercard matches and Brother Love show are previewed and it’s the ORLANDO ARENA. My backyard (that’s no longer there)!
-Give me all of this ESPECIALLY Jesse Ventura’s Mickey Mouse sweatshirt, ears and rat tail and EXCEPT Tony Schiavone looking like a 12-year-old boy. Jesse hands him a Goofy hat and we are off!
-ALL AMERICAN BOYS TO START?!?!?! My caps lock will be broken before the main event! Jacques Rougeau has a beard! The crowd is almost as hot as I am. They explode for everything, namely the Bushwhackers entrance. Everyone is Whacking it.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: The Fabulous Rougeaus w/Jimmy Hart vs The Bushwhackers
-The bell rings as soon as the Whackers hit the ring. They are still taunting while the heels cower on the floor. 90 seconds in, Luke and Butch are still licking each other and looking at the crowd to massive reactions. All four guys are finally in the ring and the brothers hug to heel heat.
-Jesse gets the jump on Hamilton by claiming that immigrants are the backbone of America.
-The first real spot of the match happens two and a half minutes in: a sleeper by Raymond on Butch that is followed by all butts getting bitten including the referee. A battering ram and a heel powder. Aye aye aye.
-Raymond looks a little bit like me at the moment in terms of shape. Luke bites some more and makes some weird motions as the Rougeaus take another powder and the Whackers hug in ring. This crowd is louder than a Stone Cold entrance in 1998.
-Holy FUCK is Raymond Rougeau hairy.
-Was it ever explained why Danny Davis became a ref again? Did anybody even notice until me now?
-Rougeaus finally get some heat on Luke, who sells funny.
-Butch gets the crowd to cheer for Luke who is halfway to the tag, but Butch is on the other end of the apron. What idiots.
-Jacques nips up in the most impressive spot of the match so far.
-A double stun gun gets a big “ooooh” from the crowd. Is this the first ever wrestling show in Orlando?
-Luke’s only offense is biting and headbutts to the groin.
-Jacques gets some great elevation on a sell from Luke blocking a splash. He’s the very early MVP.
-Butch gets the hot tag and Jacques is selling his ass off for such shitty offense.
-Jimmy Hart blocks the battering ram and gets stuck in the ring with the Bushwhackers. The place explodes for the tease until the Rougeaus save…to no avail.
WINNERS: The Bushwhackers in 13:35 when Butch pins Jacques Rougeau after a battering ram from behind, colliding into Raymond Rougeau.
-Post match, Danny Davis gets licked by the winners and somehow smiles afterwards.
FINAL WORD: That was such a whatever match, but the crowd acted like it was a Dragon Gate six-man tag match.
-Mean Gene is backstage with Ted DiBiase and Virgil counting money that he wishes he had. Ted is pissed that Virgil drew his number and tells him to shut up without saying anything. That’s enough for an MVP case for me. His following promo is equally awesome and he may go wire to wire. DiBiase is number one and not happy.
-The Genius is in the ring reading a poem with weak structure. He sorta looks like my cousin here. It’s so sad that women pop so hard for Brutus Beefcake when he enters. What a fucking look. Jesse rakes his haircut over the coals, too. The timekeeper is always jumping the gun.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: The Genius vs Brutus Beefcake
-The camera loves getting shots of this admittedly impressive crowd.
-Genius fakes out a handshake, then we get a close up of fixing his knee pads and we almost get way too close of a glimpse of that urban legend that is Lanny Poffo’s penis.
-Genius does a cartwheel on the floor, prances on the floor and gets back in. The first lock up takes place two minutes in.
-Beefcake tells Genius to kiss his ass, then mocks his prancing. Oh, the 90s!
-Beefcake hits an atomic drop that could have been lethal. Poffo sells by rolling like a ball for five seconds.
-I can’t stop looking at Lanny Poffo’s cock. You can just tell it’s huge.
-What a weird spot: Genius is partially hung up on the top rope in the corner and Beefcake just barelt pulls his legs. More dick work.
-None of Beefcake’s offense is good or impressive. Couple that with his look and he’s the early LVP. Jesse is great at not missing anything on commentary.
-Every heel in this company has to bump like crazy to make up for the faces’ lack of skill.
-Genius blocks the sleeper and whichever Hebner takes a SICK bump when he gets caught in the ropes and hits the floor.
-Brutus finally locks in the sleeper with the ref down and the Genius is out. Beefcake lets go and celebrates like a goddamn goof. Schiavone says “it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you cut the hair!” Beefcake starts cutting at the top and Mr. Perfect finally enters. Brutus cut WAY TOO MUCH hair off of poor Lanny and the bell randomly rings.
WINNER: Double DQ at 11:10
-The heels attack with a weird silver and red chair. This is a good set up for Mania. By the way: where the fuck is Hulk Hogan to help his buddy???
-The official ruling is finally announced and I’m not sure why it’s a DDQ. Was it because Beefcake was the one sent into the ref or is cutting hair against the rules? The ring looks like Albert’s back sneezed.
FINAL WORD: I’d rather cut a few minutes off that match than any more hair off of Lanny Poffo’s head.
-Sean Mooney is with the Heenan Family. It’s so crammed that you can’t even see Haku behind Mooney. Mooney starts some dissension amongst the members before the Rumble. It’s really a nothing promo.
-A title card for WrestleMania VI plays and The Fink introduces the submission match. Greg Valentine looks like a Glamour Girl. This crowd is so hot that even Ronnie Garvin gets a decent ovation.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: SUBMISSION MATCH- Greg Valentine w/Jimmy Hart vs Ronnie Garvin
-Valentine immediately powders and Garvin grabs him while the announcers talk too much about the wrestlers’ shin guards.
-Loud chops and blows to start. Greg tries for a pin after a headbutt to the midsection. Dummy.
-These guys are really REALLY trading shots. Nice double headbutt double down. This is already the best match of the three so far and we are four minutes in.
-Fish out of water sunset flip spot! It would be cool if either guy would remember that they aren’t supposed to be going for pins.
-An awkward collision off the ropes causes the crowd to quiet down. Garvin rolls up Valentine on a counter. YOU FOOLS!
-Greg slaps on the Figure Four dead center and Garvin is smiling and making funny faces (I’ve used the picture before). That’s good. Apparently his shin guard is called the “Hammer Jammer” and it’s blocking the pain of the move. A small package ruins the good moment.
-Greg tries an over the shoulder backbreaker that Ventura calls out as his old finish.
-Good camera work right on top of Garvin giving some stiff blows and headbutts while he follows up with an Indian Death Lock.
-Schiavone calls Jimmy Hart a pipsqueak and Jesse rightfully gets on him, saying he can’t talk with all the weight he lost and he’s not Godzilla. Meanwhile, Garvin takes a backdrop on the floor.
-Another weird double down and Hart takes the Hammer Jammer off of Garvin.
-Greg immediately locks on the Figure Four again and Garvin fights and fights and fights before finally reversing it.
-Figure Four small package counter AGAIN. This is getting redundant. Garvin knocks Greg off the top rope and removes his shin guard, apparently called the “Hartbreaker”. Naming these things is unnecessary.
-Greg gets stuck in the ropes and Hart is brought into the ring for the second time tonight and avoids contact again. Valentine gets nailed with the guard behind the ref’s back.
-Hey, Garvin is taking Bret’s idea! Reverse Figure Four my ass!
WINNER: Ronnie Garvin in 16:52 with a Sharpshooter
-Ventura says he never heard or saw Greg submit. He’s always right on top of whatever side he needs to be on.
FINAL WORD: That was good and it would have been great if two veterans remembered the rules of the match on a consistent basis.
-Mean Gene interview Mr. Perfect and recaps the attack on Brutus earlier. Gene oversells the chair shots like crazy and Perfect has a great line: “Hair grows back, ribs don’t.” The antithesis of DiBiase, Perfect drew number 30 for the Rumble later.
-Brother Love’s music plays and he is WAY TOO CLOSE TO THE CAMERA saying his catchphrase. Schiavone tries talking over Love for some stupid reason. Love talks about ladies and lass, so naturally it’s “Sister Queen Sensational Sherri.” The commentators argue over a woman’s beauty and the face is naturally the mean one. The crowd doesn’t give a fuck about this even though Sherri and Love play their part well. They build up the definition of a peasant and focus on it meaning overweight. Cue Sapphire to a good reaction and Jesse calls her “tons of fun.” Okay, we’re even.
-Schiavone says “I don’t know if I’m attracted to a woman…” then there is a solid beat before he finishes by saying “who has pineapples over her eyes” about Sherri.
-Love and Sherri run down Sapphire some more and Tony keeps trying to get his words in over the heels. Another LVP case for Schiavone. The heels don’t let Sapphire talk in typical cheap heat fashion.
-SHUT UP TONY!
-More round and fat references as this segment starts to die with the crowd and me. Sapphire grabs the mic and has enough, slapping the shit out of Sherri to a great reaction. Macho Man is out and grabs Sapphire’s face. Dusty Rhodes is out right away and the brawl is on. Sapphire jumps on Savage’s back and the crowd is loud when Love pulls her off by the hair. The crowd is BANANAS when Dusty backs Love down talking trash. Dusty slams him and holds him for Sapphire who slaps him out of the ring. This crowd would cum at a TLC match. Sapphire boogies afterwards. I feel you, girl.
-Ventura breaks when Tony asks him if he’s had a partner like that while Sapphire dances and Ventura asks if there’s anything else we can cut to. Funny stuff.
-Sean Mooney is with Hacksaw Jim Duggan and his lazy eye, who is naturally a LVP candidate. He fucks up saying the word “approach” three times. HOW IS THE OTHER EYE WORSE RIGHT THERE??????????? I hate him.
-Jive Soul Bro plays (for the last time)? Slick and The Big Boss Man enter. Boss Man is already sweating like Missy Hyatt in church. No theme for Duggan who HOOOOOOS and slams the 2X4 on the steps.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: The Big Boss Man w/Slick vs Jim Duggan
-It’s a war of UWF guys again and the crowd loudly stomps and claps to start as blows are traded.
-A clothesline and big tackle impressively drives Boss Man out of the ring.
-They take turns throwing each other into the post.
-Boss Man enziguir! He’s such an underrated talent. Give us back Ray Traylor and we will give you King Corbin!
-What the fuck does Slick do? He’s just shouting nonsense at ringside. As soon as I write that, he chokes Duggan behind the ref’s back and calls him crooked eye.
-Duggan gets the crowd behind him while getting out of a chinlock and gets cut off with a knee. Duggan bumps like utter shit.
-More head locks and a bearhug that Duggan escapes with a headbutt before they awkwardly fall into the ropes.
-Another big clotheslines sends Boss over the top rope after some big punches. Duggan’s eye allows him to see the crowd in Panoramic 360.
-Duggan lightly shoves Danny Davis and tells him to get off of his ass. What a rebel.
-Boss misses a top rope splash and they bump into each other again. They looked more gassed than a roadster travelling cross country.
-Boss hits Duggan with the nightstick behind the ref’s back…once.
WINNER: Hacksaw Jim Duggan in 10:43 by DQ after Big Boss Man gets caught hitting him with a nightstick.
FINAL WORD: Despite being uglier than a four year old Big Mac, that was oddly watchable.
-Duggan retrieves the 2X4 on the floor and hits Boss from behind, then levels Slick on the ass. Boss throws chairs at Duggan who swings the board at them.
-A quick WrestleMania VI commercial with dubbed music and it’s Rumble promo time!
-Earthquake, Dino Bravo and Jimmy Hart: Dino is outshined cutting a whole promo by Quake saying two lines.
-Demolition: Aren’t the LOD here yet?
-Bad News Brown: The best promo so far just because of the line “beer belly sharecroppers.”
Dusty Rhodes: I know where Michael McDonald got “I’mo be there” now.
The Rockers: They spoil their placement by saying they won’t face each other. Well that’s confidence.
-Hercules: I’ve never heard him talk before. It wasn’t bad despite him calling it the Rumble Royal.
-Rick Martel: He’s got more oil than Olive Garden. That’s all I noticed. I think he said he dreams to Square Madden like Jackie Chan (do I have time for 2 more Rush Hour bloopers?)
-Tito Santana: LOUD NOISES.
-Jimmy Snuka: *insert baseline of Cocaine*
Akeem and Slick: I see a little Rusev in the jiving man.
Ultimate Warrior: He’s wearing the yellow IC Title and I promise you that I have no fucking clue what he is saying. This isn’t a bit. Something about a virus and combat and stacking bodies and a random call out of Hulk Hogan.
-Tony and Jesse breaks down the match and we get MORE promos.
-Macho Man: It’s pretty boilerplate for him which is weird that nothing crazy happened.
-The Powers of Pain and Mr. Fuji: A lot of grunting and breathing and whatever Fuji said.
-Jake Roberts: Such a cool, smart promo. He talks about the unique concept and puts over his chances beautifully.
-The Hart Foundation: Neidhart is wearing a scrotum cap and Bret calms him down.
-Honky Tonk Man and Jimmy Hart: Everyone is getting one of these fucking things, huh? Honky is bad at guitar.
-Hulk Hogan: HOLY STEROIDS! He runs down Dino, Hercules, Warrior and Perfect. That’s a weird foursome. If you look at him out of the corner of your eye, Hogan looks like Titus O’Neil from the neck down.
-Fink introduces the Rumble match and we get some shots of the god-awful fashion of 1990. Fink points out DiBiase drew number 30 the previous year and the crowd seemingly laughs at him. TED DIBIASE is NUMBER 1 and it’s random fact time! Ted DiBiase loves a good cream of mushroom soup. KOKO B. WARE is NUMBER 2 and he looks ridiculous. Koko B. Ware owns a favorite thimble.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Royal Rumble Match
-Ted stomps on Koko early and lays in some good chops.
-Is Koko Samoan? He no sells his head being smashed into the buckle and takes over.
-DiBiase eliminates Koko at 1:38 with a back drop. Tony says he assumes Koko is eliminated. What?
-MARTY JANNETTY is NUMBER 3 with his music playing and the classic Rockers green gear. Marty Jannetty’s favorite color is purple because of Grimace.
-Marty is turned inside out with a clothesline, but comes back by catching Ted off the second rope. Ted does a front flip sell and he’s retained his MVP status with this early effort alone.
-DiBiase eliminates Marty at 3:46 after a big missed dive. The crowd hates it. Great heat.
-JAKE ROBERTS is NUMBER 4 to a huge ovation and music. Jake Roberts made a child cry in 1998 as a birthday gift.
-They brawl on the floor and the Million Dollar Dream is countered into the ring post.
-Short arm clothesline and DDT tease brings the crowd into a tizzy, but it’s blocked with more amazing crowd control.
-RANDY SAVAGE is NUMBER 5 and the camera can’t even catch him running to the ring so damn fast. Macho Man is dressed like an extra in Olivia Newton John’s Physical music video. That’s not even my funny fact! Funny fact: Randy Savage was Olivia Newton John’s neighbor.
-2 on 1 this entire time and the managers are at ringside. That is a good touch.
-RODDY PIPER is NUMBER 6. What a moment in time with these four guys together. Orlando has come unglued. Roddy Piper can swallow a hammer whole. I can’t see anybody sitting down.
-Sherri is shrieking as Macho hangs on from a double team attack. Shane McMahon is the referee admonishing her.
-THE WARLORD is NUMBER 7. There goes the work rate and crowd excitement. The Warlord is secretly a balloon.
-The crowd reacts to anything. If I could make Orlando the MVP as a whole, I would.
-BRET HART is NUMBER 8. It’s 3 faces versus 3 heels now. Bret Hart reads a book before every match. Bret teams up with Piper for a nice double clothesline on Warlord.
-BAD NEWS BROWN is NUMBER 9 and he goes right after his Stampede compatriot. Bad News Brown has legendarily bad handwriting.
-DiBiase is drenched in sweat already. Jake Roberts is eliminated at 14:44 by a Macho Man clotheline as Jake was setting up Ted for the DDT again.
-DiBiase has almost been out 10 times already and the crowd buys it every time. Virgil looms over it every time, ready to help. The crowd is finally chanting along with the countdown now.
-DUSTY RHODES is NUMBER 10. Dusty Rhodes once literally dined ON a king and queen in Atlanta. Macho Man bumps his ass off for the Dream. Randy Savage is eliminated at 16:26 by a huge back drop by Dusty Rhodes. Jesse calls that an upset just to stick it to the NWA.
-ANDRE THE GIANT is NUMBER 11 and the mood changes. Andre the Giant once cotch a bullet with his bare hands (one left just from the first movie’s bloopers alone)! Andre can barely get in the ring.
-The Warlord is so small next to Andre. The Warlord is eliminated at 18:30 by an Andre the Giant hip toss. Fuji and Heenan trade barbs and shots at ringside.
-Dusty and Piper rail on Andre until he counters with a double noggin knocker.
-THE RED ROOSTER is NUMBER 12 and the girls in Orlando are really desperate. The men go get snacks. The Red Rooster still has all of his baby teeth. Bad News Brown is eliminated by Roddy Piper at 20:18 and Roddy Piper is eliminated by Bad News Brown from the floor at 20:24. The commentators argue over the legitimacy of Piper’s elimination as the two men brawl to the back. That will end well. Roddy gets a big chant.
-Virgil pushes DiBiase back in. He is laying the ground work for all of Shannon Moore’s 2003.
-AX is NUMBER 13 while The Red Rooster is eliminated at 21:58 by Andre the Giant. Ax drives a 2004 Altima. A “WEASAL” chant and one head turn by the Brain makes the crowd yell louder. He’s the GOAT.
-Ted DiBiase has been hung over the ropes more than a Salem witch. MVP for sure.
-Ax and Dusty double team Andre while he tied up in the ropes. They untie him and they get a belly tap for their troubles.
-HAKU is NUMBER 14 and he makes really weird noises on offense. Haku can open up a jar of pickles just by looking at it.
-There have been no highlight spots, but the action is always very good and entertaining.
-SMASH is NUMBER 15 and they immediately start double teaming Andrew. Smash hates lemons. Haku tries to help, but gets more double axe handles for his efforts. Andre handles both members with a couple of collisions.
-AKEEM is NUMBER 16 and he shucks all the way to the ring. Akeem wears a magnet in his ring boots. In the foreground, Bret Hart is eliminated by Dusty Rhodes at 28:20. He gets the short end of the stick because Andre the Giant is eliminated by Demolition with a double clothesline at 28:32. The crowd gives it a big pop. Jesse does a good job noticing Bret is gone, at least.
-JIMMY SNUKA is NUMBER 17. Akeem attacks him right away. Jimmy Snuka murdered Nancy Argentino (I had to). Akeem is cocky and unwisely turns his back. Akeem is eliminated at 30:33 by Jimmy Snuka. It keeps going back to six guys in the ring.
-DINO BRAVO is NUMBER 18. The crowd is finally quiet here. Dino Bravo never met a doctor he didn’t punch. Demolition is really working DiBiase over and Dino and Haku face off in a rare heel vs heel affair. The crowd gets loud again when Demolition try to eliminate Ted for the 9,000th time.
-THE CANADIAN EARTHQUAKE is NUMBER 19. He busts the tremors out immediately. He is still Canadian, but he is still not a player. But he fucks a lot. Dusty Rhodes is eliminated at 34:19 by Earthquake. That’s a big deal.
-Dusty gets a good ovation on his way out. Ax is eliminated at 34:47 when Earthquake dumps him out.
-JIM NEIDHART is NUMBER 20 and he is a house of fire. Jim Neidhart’s middle name is Gravy. A team effort begins and Snuka gives a nice boost under the butt of Quake. The Canadian Earthquake is eliminated at 36:32 by everyone except Dino Bravo (kind of). What is all over Quake? Blood? Sweat? Paint? That’s a good push for him. If he was in longer, I’d put him in the MVP discussion. Instead, it’s DiBiase who has the current longevity record.
-THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR is NUMBER 21 and what a fucking reaction! He no sells everything Dino Bravo does. Ultimate Warrior thought Coldplay was a quiet production of the Crucible. Dino Bravo is eliminated at 38:12 by an Ultimate Warrior backdrop. Warrior gets the concept and attacks Snuka afterwards.
-Warrior then attacks Neidhart after double teaming DiBiase.
-RICK MARTEL is NUMBER 22. He is the locker room leader in the yearly snakes and ladders tournament.
-Smash is eliminated at 40:52 by a sweet Haku crescent kick.
-Martel almost botched horribly when Neidhart attempts to eliminate him and doesn’t hang on.
-TITO SANTANA is NUMBER 23 as Haku is levelled by a Warrior clothesline. Tito Santana’s wife wants him to spend more time with his friends.
-I’ve given him shit, but Schiavone calls a good Rumble. He’s loud when it’s needed and subdued when it’s called for. He may have saved himself.
-THE HONKY TONK MAN is NUMBER 24 and I just noticed Mr. Fuji is still at ringside for some reason. The Honky Tonk Man really doesn’t like Polish people.
-Jim Neidhart is eliminated at 44:35 by Ultimate Warrior and Rick Martel in an awkward fashion.
-Despite everything that’s happened on this show, the POP OF THE NIGHT is when Ted DiBiase is FINALLY eliminated at 44:53 by an Ultimate Warrior clothesline.
-HULK HOGAN is NUMBER 25 and we have a new POP OF THE NIGHT somehow. Snuka attacks him right away because Hulk stole his push. Hulk Hogan has 11 toes the hard way.
-Jimmy Snuka is eliminated at 46:07 by a Hulk Hogan clothesline. Running riot! Haku is eliminated at 46:30 by a Hulk Hogan big boot.
-The herd is thinning. Tito Santana is eliminated at 47:01 by Ultimate Warrior and Rick Martel. Did they have a secret alliance?
-Hogan’s shirt is a separate entrant, right? Honky chokes him with it.
-SHAWN MICHAELS is NUMBER 26 and the girls swoon. His go-to craft store is ironically JoAnn Fabrics. Honky Tonk Man is eliminated at 48:04 by Hulk Hogan. Bold city! Shawn Michaels is immediately eliminated at 48:12 by Ultimate Warrior and he’s pissed! Rick Martel is out at 48:15 by Ultimate Warrior. We are down to 2…
-Tony Schiavone: “My God!” The crowd knows it, too. This is a moment.
-Two tackles and nobody moves. Criss cross makes you jump and a double down. Ventura is amazing here. The building is literally rumbling.
-THE BARBARIAN is NUMBER 27 and he drops elbows on both men. The Barbarian’s favorite salad dressing is Peppercorn Ranch.
-RICK RUDE is NUMBER 28 and he definitely jumped the gun because he’s in the ring with no warning at all. Did Vince think Barbarian was shitting the bed? His gear is loud and awesome as usual. Rick Rude once played drums with Thin Lizzy.
-Important note: Warrior rescues Hulk from an elimination attempt. Rude and Barbarian gang up on Warrior and The Ultimate Warrior is eliminated at 52:23 by Rick Rude, the Barbarian and, accidentally, Hulk Hogan. Mr. Hellwig is a dumb, sore loser who attacks the heels and runs to the back. Tony: “he’s a wild man!” Jesse: “he’s an idiot!”
-HERCULES is NUMBER 29 and it’s weird that only five men are left to win the whole thing with number 30 still to come out. Hercules got stoned to watched Animal House. The crowd is definitely exhausted now with the Warrior and Hogan stuff over.
-Hogan scratches Rude’s back and Ventura is all over him as usual.
-MR. PERFECT is NUMBER 30 in his great orange and black attire. Mr. Perfect was once John Wayne for Halloween.
-The Barbarian is eliminated at 55:36 by Hercules. As unceremonious as that was, it’s trumped when Hercules is eliminated at 56:08 by Rick Rude. A funny line: Schiavone is running down the remaining participants and he says “don’t forget…well, you can forget Hercules!”
-Another heel 2 on 1 and the 2 Minnesotans don’t stand a chance.
-Rick Rude is eliminated at 57:04 when Mr. Perfect accidentally pulls the top rope down and Hogan Irish Whips him.
-Hennig nails the PerfectPlex and Tony calls it out as being dumb. Hulk epically no sells the move, Hulks up and starts his routine. You bastard.
-Perfect gets slingshot into the post and almost over. Should have just done it to save himself a typical gnarly bump.
WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 58:47 by last eliminating Mr. Perfect
FINAL WORD: 30 years later and that’s still a top five Rumble. The stars, the action, the stories and the crowd make this the first GREAT Royal Rumble match.
-Hogan grabs the now classic “Hulkamania will live forever” sign. The Warrior really should have won. Typical posing and typical Ventura complaining here. Schiavone has a good line about the greatest collection of stars ever and he’s not wrong.
-Hulk bobs his head and what is this posing for? Have we ever been told? What a fucking show off.
-Jesse promotes WrestleMania VI one more time and says he’ll be there. Good thing Schiavone didn’t say that.
THE LAST IMAGE: Hulk Hogan posing.
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP OF PPV: I don’t intend on giving the Rumble longevity winner this distinction every time, but Ted DiBiase earned this with his promo, his selling and the 40 pounds he lost sweating in the Rumble.
FINAL LVP OF PPV: The Rumble match cleared a commentator and made me reminiscence about Brutus Beefcake stinking the joint out early in the night.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Royal Rumble Match
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Brutus Beefcake vs The Genius
FINAL THOUGHTS: On paper, it’s a whatever undercard and an unproven match concept. In reality, it’s the confirmation of the Rumble as a wrestling institution and it’s one of the greatest audiences I’ve ever seen or heard on any wrestling show. The 90s are off to a great start. MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: Can the NWA start the new decade off the right way as well? We will find out with Wrestle War 90: Wild Thing. Who you think you got, Dicky Vaughn? Is it Ricky or Dicky?