I’ve spoken about nostalgia and its misuse in wrestling plenty of times before. Doing this has made me yearn for companies to lean into the past in small ways to really give us long term fans a sense that they remember and care. AEW seems to be doing a decent job of that because Cody loves his dad and that culture. Bash at the Beach was a good start, but there is one thing that just makes no goddamn sense.
Why hasn’t Halloween Havoc come back?
I mean, the alliteration! The gimmickry! The costumes! It all fits hand in hand with wrestling so easily and we just don’t get anything besides some pumpkins around the ring and a garbage hardcore match the announcers laugh through half of the time.
So, I’m going to (hopefully) enjoy the very first edition of Halloween Havoc because we don’t make them like this anymore. Again, let’s hope I feel the same way in three hours time.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 25- NWA HALLOWEEN HAVOC 1989: SETTLING THE SCORE
THE FIRST THING WE SEE: Creepy Halloween Havoc music and an animated graveyard with images of the competitors in the main event. This show is co-named “Settling the Score” because every show in the NWA back then had to have another name. Jim Ross introduces the show and he’s STILL with Bob Caudle. Guys are already in the ring. We go backstage with Gordon Solie who is starting to look like a skeleton himself. Caudle makes the Thunderdome cage match sound so lame. Also, Chris Cruise is joining us for this show and he was never good. He looks like more of an accountant than anything else. Let’s name his the early LVP and move on.
-GCP introduces the guys in the ring: Mike Rotunda, who has definitely fallen off since we last saw him, and The Z-Man. Awww, good for him! He’s almost booed already. This is Philadelphia.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: Mike Rotunda vs The Z-Man
-I’ve noticed that I’m noticing the in-ring action in the NWA more because the commentary is fairly flat even if JR is good. WWF is the opposite: the ring work is flat, but Jesse owns.
-Cat calls, yelling and minor chants of boring show this really is Philly early. They better hope this doesn’t turn into Syracuse heat because Zenk is gonna get his ass beat.
-Apparently, the ladies dubbed him the Z-Man. Ummmm…what?
-JR does a lame attempt at pumping up Rotunda’s credentials by talking about his performance in the punt and pass contest in college.
-The Varsity Club is never mentioned once.
-The crowd is still restless with this long headscissors and headlock.
-Rotunda is the babyface now. The crowd has officially turned on Zenk. They cheer the cheating. This show could get good.
-What a little comeback.
WINNER: The Z-Man in 13:26 after a crossbody reversal.
FINAL WORD: Philadelphia didn’t like it and neither do I.
-Chris Cruise is with Bruno Sammartino in a really tight ref shirt. He looks like an out of place Foot Locker employee. This is basically a “Fuck You” to Vince. At least he doesn’t screw up his plurals in the promo.
-The Midnight Express and Steve Williams enter and Cornette does his usual intro, but as a babyface. The Samoan Swat Team do a fucking dance with fire to some pseudo-Halloween music. Some name changes to what we have been used to: Oliver Humperdink is their manager now and his name is Big Kahuna, the team has added Tama as the Samoan Savage and Fatu is in braids. It’s all cool except Rikishi’s fat ass in white is an image I could do without.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: The Midnight Express and Steve Williams w/Jim Cornette vs The Samoan Swat Team and the Samoan Savage w/Big Kahuna
-Two minutes of dick showing occurs before our initial lock up.
-More unnecessary backstories by JR: Stan Lane used to be a karate instructor and lifeguard before Ric Flair discovered him at a house party. Of course.
-This keeps breaking down into a six-person standoff. Just wrestle!
-The crowd is into Doc’s spree of offense.
-I hate to do this, but Jim Ross is the current LVP for continually providing trivial info and jizzing all over Dr. Death. That’s funny because Dr. Death is the current MVP.
-The faces barely fight from underneath when they come back and get the hot tag.
-It’s sad seeing Tama succumb to his Samoan genes. You know what I mean.
-Bobby Eaton is taking some rough bumps, including a hip toss on the concrete.
-Doc gets the hot tag and demolishes all of the Samoans. He tags in Lane and Savage fucks a neckbreaker up. Chaos erupts as it normally does in these 80s 6 man tags. Some miscommunication happens and I think this is sadly building up the stupid Dynamic Dudes story.
WINNERS: The Samoan Swat Team and the Samoan Savage in 18:20 when Samoan Savage pins Stan Lane after Savage ran Lane into Cornette on the apron.
FINAL WORD: This was pretty paint by numbers for these tag matches at this point, but everyone worked hard. That is such a pro sports answer.
-Gordon Solie is backstage with Gary Hart and Terry Funk. Apparently, the Thunderdome Cage is electrified? Funk is nuts, but you already knew that.
-In the ring is the Cuban Assassin. Why?!?!?!?! Tommy Rich runs out like a fucking jobber. Yeah, he definitely blew someone to become world champion.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: The Cuban Assassin vs Tommy Rich
-That’s a “communists suck” chant. Good job, Philly!
-Jim Ross is giving us U.S. and Cuban relations facts. Just stop.
-Rich botches a sunset flip and the crowd lets him know it.
-Rich keeps armdragging and locking. The crowd is more restless than the first match.
-I’m vigorously picking my ear instead of paying attention.
-Oh man, those boos. He is out of there fast!
WINNER: Tommy Rich in 8:26 with a Thesz Press
FINAL WORD: My ear is a little more clean, but my eyes are in worse shape.
-The Freebirds are interviewed by Gordon Solie. Needless to say, Solie looks uncomfortable.
-Totally dorky music brings the Dynamic Dudes out accompanied by Jim Cornette. Like last time, Johnny Ace can barely lift a kid back into the crowd after picking up him and putting a hat on the poor bastard. The people HATE them. Some big ass pyro and explosions for the Freebirds who are definitely unintentional babyfaces here.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: NWA TAG TITLES MATCH- The Dynamic Dudes w/Jim Cornette vs The Fabulous Freebirds (champions)
-JR talks about the Dudes being student athletes. It’s wrestling! I don’t care about their degrees! It’s total information overkill.
-Shane Douglas and Michael Hayes botch a little while I notice everyone’s hair, then snap out of it with another neckbreaker botch on this show.
-The one guy with a moustache and a “Dynamic Dudes #1” sign is very, very sad.
-The pop of the night thus far: a BIG cheap left hand to Ace and Jimmy Garvin hitting a belly to back suplex.
-The DDT is over everywhere. Hayes revs the crowd up, that’s for sure.
-Douglas gets what I’m dubbing the cold tag.
-The slingshot double belly to back finisher is blocked. It’s called the Wipeout. Barf. At least I have time to clean up now.
WINNERS: The Fabulous Freebirds in 11:28 to retain the titles when Jimmy Garvin pins Shane Douglas after Michael Hayes pulls Johnny Ace out of the Wipeout and Garvin counters Douglas.
FINAL WORD: How much more Dynamic Dudes do I have to suffer through? This was a quote said roughly 4000 times during this match in the crowd as well as me saying it now.
-Chris Cruise flatlines in his delivery of questions to the Steiner Brothers. Scott is already fucking words up and barely finishes one into the other. I think Rick Steiner just threatened to sexually assault Woman? Man, this is rough.
-Rock music plays for the Steiner Brothers and their obnoxious singlets are here! Totally out of sync music brings Doom out with their masks and robes.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: The Steiner Brothers vs Doom w/Woman
-The Steiners were the original mayors of Suplex City. Their double German Suplexes terrify me.
-Rick Steiner is the new MVP with his intensity, crowd work and STEINER FUCKING LINE.
-Kevin Sullivan apparently procured Doom for Woman, who then used him and dumped him. What eerie irony!
-JIM ROSS JUST SAID SCOTT STEINER WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO BE A TEACHER. I NEED A MINUTE. HOLY SHIT.
-I feel so bad for Ron Simmons and Butch Reed’s poor necks.
-The Steiners hit the ropes so hard, they sound like they are going to pop. Meanwhile, Doom is sadly boring on offense.
-Scott takes a weird piledriver after an even weirded unseen tag that took place right over Nick Patrick’s head.
-FUCKING FRANKENSTEINER. I’m making both Steiners MVP right now. They really stand out.
-If you stand out, that naturally means you lose.
WINNERS: Doom in 15:33 when Butch Reed pins Rick Steiner after a headbutt with a foreign object in his mask.
FINAL WORD: A good prelude of what is to come with the Steiners and hopefully an off night for Doom.
-Lex Luger cuts a promo with Gordon Solie, who seems off. Probably didn’t have that seventh gin like he usually does.
-Some cheerleaders and dubbed punk music brings out Brian Pillman. Lex Luger gets some cool lighting for his introduction. JR goes batty and loses his brain trying to go over all of Luger’s football accomplishments. Caudle has to stop him, for crying out loud.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: U.S. TITLE MATCH- Brian Pillman vs Lex Luger (champion)
-Good back and forth action in three intense minutes to start.
-For the third or fourth time in the broadcast, a super innovative Starrcade is promoted. Oh boy.
-The action is a little repetitive, but effective.
-HAT GUY! He’s still wearing Hawaiian, but he’s got on a USPS trucker hat. That is almost the highlight of the show so far.
-Somehow, Luger is more impressive and varied in his offense in this match. Plus, he is really cocky and playing to the crowd. I hate to say it: Lex Luger is in the MVP race.
-Nice top rope sunset flip counter for a 2 count.
-Air Pillman hits the mark, but Luger is too close to the ropes.
-Hey, a confident heel win!
WINNER: Lex Luger in 16:48 to retain the title with a Stun Gun
FINAL WORD: I know I didn’t write that much for an almost 17 minute match, but I was just enjoying it. Good, solid work on all levels.
-Chris Cruise is back with his creepy LVP case with such bland statements in his interview with the Road Warriors. It’s their typical promo.
-The Skyscrapers enter with Teddy Long holding some weird magnifying glass trophy. It could also be a dildo.
Pyro and Iron Man bring out the Road Warriors. They rise up on a platform and they are, without question, the most over act on the show. Hawk and Sid nose to nose is pretty badass.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: The Skyscrapers w/Teddy Long vs The Road Warriors w/Paul Ellering
-JR and Caudle botch calling a Great Muta mask in the crowd a Hawk mask.
-Spivey can’t get over the top rope on a clothesline early on.
-Sid throws a wild and sloppy missed clothesline. This could be really special in a bad way.
-Nobody taught Sid how to run the ropes.
-A test of strength ends with Hawk monkey flipping Sid. What an image!
-Every time Sid sucks, he comes back with cool shit like the helicopter move he just busted out.
-Jim Ross goes through EIGHT football names related to Dan Spivey just to show off. Damn, Vince was right. Just tell me the story.
-Animal gets the hot tag and is throwing dropkicks. The action breaks down and the managers come in as well.
-Is that a key????!?!?!
WINNERS: The Road Warriors in 11:37 by DQ when Dan Spivey hits Hawk with a key.
FINAL WORD: Grown men, big ones at that, fighting over a big ass key is silly, but the crowd loved that. It was almost definitely on the high end of what this match could be.
-Chris Cruise is with Sting and Ric Flair and Ole Anderson in his trusty suspenders I’ve joked about before. Apparently, a towel needs to be thrown in for the main event? The rules are so confusing. Flair thankfully cuts Chris Cruise off for a good promo and Sting is pretty amped, too.
-Bruno Sammartino runs out as the ref to a good reaction. The towel holders are known as “Terminators.” Great Muta is now the TV Champion and he enters with Gary Hart and some Oddjob knockoff. Terry Funk enters swinging at people with a cool Texas wrestling theme that sounds straight outta Kill Bill. I think it actually is that song.
-Sting enters to a good reaction and a different version of Flair’s 2001 theme plays. Flair is accompanied by Ole Anderson, dubbed “The Rock” with is beyond laughable. The only way to win this match is for the Terminator to throw the towel in. Why the fuck do you need Bruno then?
-An ominous heartbeat-like theme plays for the cage being lowered. The Thunderdome looks like it has old veins all over it. It is big and basically what the Chamber of Horrors would be two years from now. One corner is already on fire. Muta jumps up and mists it to finally put it out. That was fucking incredible.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: THUNDERDOME CAGE MATCH- Great Muta and Terry Funk w/Gary Hart vs Sting and Ric Flair w/Ole Anderson
-Why do they still have to tag in and out?
-Sting runs Funk into the cage and his whole head and shoulders fit through it.
-Flair knees Funk, follows thru and slaps Muta in the face.
-JR unnecessarily takes a shot when he says Sting used to be a Blade Runner and says that his partner in that team hasn’t progressed the way Sting has. Now…that’s true, but it’s bush league AF. Jim Ross has LVP locked and I’m personally shocked.
-The action picks up with some brawling. Then, I see a shot with an unplugged cord hanging from the cage ruining the illusion of this dangerous cage.
-This sloppy mess might be why Bruno hated Flair so much.
-Funk gets his head sent into the cage and he takes a nasty fall. Muta is on the other side getting shocked by the cage. It’s so silly to even climb the fucking thing.
-Funk is at the very top now totally fine, hanging off of the cage while getting chopped. Flair is now SWINGING FROM A ROPE LIKE TARZAN.
-Funk is still near the top not getting electrocuted. Muta has crawled under the ring and Sting is protruding from the top with some weird ass hose. What is going on?
-Sting flies from side to side with the rop into Funk while Flair has a Figure Four locked onto Muta.
-Cool submission by Muta now as Funk ties Sting to the cage. Ole immediately comes over the help.
-HUGE spot as Sting jumps from the cage over the ring corner onto Funk.
-JR just called Muta a “fried wonton” in what is assuredly his worst performance of all time.
-The camera misses Muta’s moonsault being blocked when he gets crotched on the top rope. A Figure Four and splash combo on Funk has the heels reeling.
-Muta gets nailed by Bruno and I couldn’t tell why. Gary Hart enters the ring and Ole stops him. Ole grabs Hart’s towel and hands it to Bruno?
WINNERS: Ric Flair and Sting in 22:15
FINAL WORD: I did not like that at all. What a convoluted match and controversial ending that wastes all four talents.
The replay shows Muta went after Bruno for some reason. Ole hit Hart who let go of the towel and Ole handed it to Bruno.
-JR and Caudle recap the show. The lights are distracting. It looks like JJ Abrams is directing the show now. The phone number is no longer active message is displayed even though they blur the phone number. They are still teasing Starrcade, but don’t give any info about it. I’m done with this show.
-Executive Producer: Jim Herd. EXACTLY.
THE LAST IMAGE: Jim Ross and Bob Caudle before the credits roll
THE WRAP UP (no longer featuring Hall of Famers and deceased participants)
FINAL MVP of PPV: You know a show is underwhelming when Lex Luger is the standout, but I don’t want to disparage him too much here. He earned this fair and square like how we won his match.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Jim Ross famously claimed to pass a kidney stone during a later WCW PPV, but I’d like to hear his excuse as to why he was so shitty in this NWA PPV.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Lex Luger vs Brian Pillman
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Cuban Assassin vs Tommy Rich
FINAL THOUGHTS: The old habits of overbooked endings and subpar action reared its ugly head after several successful NWA shows in a row. I’m afraid we are on the way down. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND.
NEXT TIME: Put away the black, but keep out the orange and mix it with some brown because it’s turkey time. In the 1980s, that meant Survivor Series. Let’s hope it doesn’t gobble gobble my balls.