We as wrestling fans are so spoiled. A week does not go by when we get, at worst, a very good match on free TV. Back in the 1980s, you were lucky to get a moderately competitive match on TV once a month through the syndicated shows. It all built up to the supercards to blow off the stories that were being told through promos.
Supercards are now bloated affairs meant to give paydays and everyone an opportunity. During this time period, they were meant to feel special. However, last year’s inaugural SummerSlam was filler until the main event. The second edition is more of the same in that regard on paper: some random matches, an intriguing IC Title bout and a big, silly tag match main event. The heat is on.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 24- WWF SummerSlam 1989
THE FIRST THING WE SEE: A live shot of the Meadowlands in New Jersey with Jesse Ventura and…uh-oh. It’s not Susan St. James, but it IS WWF Tony Schiavone minus his moustache. Jesse looks like a certain kind of friend of Jimmy Snuka and I’m naming Schiavone LVP because his voice is grating and shouty already.
-The SummerSlam theme and intro video takes me back as clips highlighting the matches are combined with summer season shots of golf, cars, ice cream and pools. How delightfully awful and cheesy.
-The Hart Foundation’s theme plays to a decent pop. Schiavone needs to be told he is on a microphone because it seems as though he is trying to yell over the crowd. This looks to be the only time Bret Hart was on the juice. Very little heat and no music for your tag champs, The Brain Busters.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: NON-TITLE MATCH- The Hart Foundation vs The Brain Busters w/Bobby Heenan
-Jesse does a good job explaining why the title isn’t on the line and putting Bret and Tully over in their exchange. Once again, Ventura is an early MVP.
-This is textbook solid tag team wrestling with cutting the ring off and working the arm.
-Very interesting moment with an illegal tag by the Brain Busters stopped by the ref as they try to tag a foot through the bottom rope.
-The first 7 minutes are wonderful as the face dominate and get the heat up and Bret is just being awesome.
-Neidhart is singled out this time, which is nice for a change.
-Bret gets the hot tag and Neidhart is admittedly much better at it.
-Jim hits an interesting move by basically reverse powerslamming Bret onto Tully. However, a lot of weak, illegal things happen.
WINNERS: The Brain Busters in 15:57 when Arn Anderson (the illegal man) hits Bret Hart with a double axe handle from the second rope behind the ref’s back.
FINAL WORD: 4 professionals doing professional things and getting let down by a soft ass finish.
-Mean Gene is with some VHS interference and Dusty Rhodes in those infamous polka dots. This is the famous clip of Dusty acting insane that we’ve seen in Botchamania for years. It’s so over the top Stallone tried to arm wrestle it (reference trifecta challenge!)
-The Honky Tonk Man enters to his usual heat. Dusty enters to the American Dream song for the first time in this process. Man, Schiavone is at home with the start of this NWA heavy event thus far.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: The Honky Tonk Man w/Jimmy Hart vs Dusty Rhodes
-There’s a dance off to start. That’s probably for the best.
-Headlocks and strikes and misses, oh my! That’s literally 7 minutes worth of notes
-Doing a ref bump in match number two? Hmmm…
-Jimmy Hart swings…and misses! Honky getting hit with a guitar causes Schiavone to sell like it’s an all-time WrestleMania moment.
WINNER: Dusty Rhodes in 9:36 with a Bionic Elbow
-Post-match, Sean Mooney interview Honky who was hit so hard with the guitar that he literally thinks he is Elvis. This is funny shit. He carried the match, too. We got another MVP candidate on our hands.
-Oh lord. Mean Gene is with Demolition and Jim Duggan who has his face AND 2X4 painted. He’s currently King Duggan and his 2X4 as a little crown, too. What a weird mix.
-Mr. Perfect is already in the right, but the Red Rooster gets a full entrance complete with a crowing theme. Tony sells it like he’s the #1 babyface in the territory.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Mr. Perfect vs The Red Rooster
-I just got the meaning of this match. Imagine the Bizarro world version of this bout where Curt Hennig has shitty red hair and Terry Taylor is great at his job.
-Perfect gets a good pop for mocking the chicken strut. He gets a loud slap in retaliation.
-Schiavone is way toooooooooo much.
-Surprised that there’s a little brawling on the floor. They get back inside and it’s ball game.
WINNER: Mr. Perfect in 3:21 with the PerfectPlex
FINAL WORD: That was the most athletic squash of all time.
-The non “FUCK IT” version of Mean Gene’s promo with Rick Rude airs. I like the botch version better.
-The Rockers and Tito Santana enter and never mind that shit. THEY ARE ALL AMERICAN BOYS…and Rick Martel. Jimmy Hart is a quick-change master and why the fuck is Slick with Martel?
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: The Rockers and Tito Santana vs The Fabulous Rougeaus and Rick Martel w/Jimmy Hart
-Jesse is awesome again with his analysis that the heels have an advantage because they can speak French for strategy.
-After 2 minutes of selling a handshake tease, the faces turn it on and get the crowd going.
-Martel looks like he is still trying to learn how to be a heel model and Jannetty looks like he is still learning how to wrestle after 16 screwdrivers the night before.
-Tito is isolated and Jacques shines as the best wearing him down.
-The crowd is behind Tito despite the subpar action in the ring. Martel is starting to annoy me and I’m thinking of making a case, but then Schiavone annoys me more and we’re good.
-Shawn Michaels gets the hot tag and plays to the crowd more than he dishes out some action. Things start to break down and there is a nice heel pile up. A Flying Burrito (their name, not mine) knocks Martel down and chaos has erupted.
-These agents need to coordinate their finishes.
WINNERS: The Fabulous Rougeaus and Rick Martel in 14:58 when Martel pins Marty after Martel punches Marty while he’s pinning Jacques.
FINAL WORD: I’m not sure what was more disappointing: another weak illegal man ending off of a simple strike leading to a pinfall on a fresh man OR the lack of in-ring action. Fine isn’t what this match should’ve been.
-A recap of the Warrior/Rude feud is complete with a sick piledriver onto Mr. Hellwig, Rude trying to kiss a woman and getting interrupted and Rude mostly getting murdered the entire time until Andre the Giant takes Warrior out.
-ULTIMATE WARRIOR GRUNTING PROMO HOLY SHIT. Every word…nay, syllable…is a LVP candidate. He could be shouting “I AM THE LAWWWW” right here and I’d have no idea (one to go!)
-Rick Rude and his perm enters and a typical promo and badass tight game follows. Warrior’s crying face is right on Rude’s dick. A huge ovation leads the Warrior, already blown up, into the ring.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: IC TITLE MATCH- Rick Rude w/Bobby Heenan (champion) vs Ultimate Warrior
-Ventura’s unadulterated love for Rick Rude is pushing him back into MVP status.
-Rude is going above and beyond two minutes in. Warrior hasn’t sold a thing and just chucked Rude over the top rope with a military press.
-Warrior just hit Rude with the belt! Jesse rightfully bitches and Schiavone explains that it is fine because it’s on the outside. What if he shot him with a gun then?!?! Jesse really is the right timeline JBL. Both commentators are showing their cases very strongly.
-Some ass damage with atomic drops and throws. Warrior does a hip swivel, so there goes sleep tonight.
-Rude crotches Warrior on the top rope and gets the advantage.
-A submission rest hold takes over until Warrior fights back and the ref gets bumped.
-A good false finish with Rude getting his foot on the rope after a piledriver. Warrior is doing a good job holding his end of the bargain. He hits a nice running powerslam and Rude blocks his splash.
-Was that just a fucking KAWADA DRIVER before Kawada? OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. How is that only a 2?
-The crowd buzzes as Roddy Piper enters. Another piledriver by Rude and Warrior barely kicks out. Piper and Rude have been exchanging words on other shows apparently. Piper legit moons Rude and Warrior hits a goddamn GERMAN SUPLEX. You didn’t even need the normal finish after that.
WINNER: The Ultimate Warrior in 16:01 to win the title after a press slam and running splash.
FINAL WORD: That was just as good, maybe better, than their WrestleMania match. I’m so tired of saying nice things about the Ultimate Warrior.
-We cut immediately to Sean Mooney in the crowd just to describe the feeling. It is so random and stupid. Then, we cut to Mean Gene with Mr. Perfect who cuts a simple promo.
-Piper is in next and does a silly water spit and drops references about Pete Rose and Voyager 3. This is more batshit than usual in that Piper is turning beet red. Did he just say “eat a garage?” Okay, now this is no good.
-Ronnie Garvin enters in a tuxedo and he still sucks. Thankfully, Bobby Heenan interrupts livid. Rude follows and a replay of the match finish plays. Heenan is going to have a heart attack. He’s so good here. Jesse and Tony send it to a 5 minute intermission. Those were the days. Why doesn’t WrestleMania have 5 of these now?
-Highlights of No Holds Barred and Zeus’ debut on Saturday Night’s Main Event plays. Macho Man introduces him on the Brother Love Show, saying Zeus has “madness in his eye.” That’s one way to say lazy. Cut to Zeus no selling everything including chair shots.
-Jive Soul Bro and 1,344 legit pounds of The Twin Towers and Andre the Giant enter slowly. Demolition and Duggan enter. Fuck, King Duggan looks so stupid. The infamous sign of “Demolition will topple the Twin Towers” is prominently displayed and I’m SHOCKED that wasn’t edited out.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: The Twin Towers and Andre the Giant w/Slick vs Demolition and King Duggan
-Fucking Duggan’s flag print face and Demolition’s tongues out at the same time is the best part of this show so far. How silly. I don’t want to go picture heavy here, but…
-Heenan is now out with the heels. Akeem is already bumping for Duggan. Bless him.
-Andre’s offense consists of just sitting on Ax. It works!
-Demolition is just not that over. Smash gets a good pop and he better as he is impressive slamming Boss Man and Akeem.
-A much slower six-man breakdown takes places and Akeem hits a fucking HARSH second rope splash.
-If the heels can do it twice earlier, why not the babyfaces now?!?!?!
WINNERS: Demolition and King Duggan in 7:25 when Smash pins Akeem after a 2X4 shot from Duggan.
FINAL WORD: Smash’s bodyslams singlehandedly saved this from being the worst thing on the show. That’s where we are.
-DiBiase cuts a great promo until he calls Jimmy Snuka a “primitive native eating coconuts and bananas.”
-The Fink introduces Ronnie Garvin as the special guest ring announcer. Oy. He properly introduced Hercules and then give Greg Valentine a lame as hell spiel about being cheap, overweight and uncoordinated. Ventura blatantly calls him a punk and it’s hilarious. Garvin might give Schiavone a run for this money on the LVP front.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: Hercules vs Greg Valentine w/Jimmy Hart
-The crowd is quiet, so that means Jimmy Hart has to be extra loud.
-These two lack chemistry like Jesse Pinkman in 2003.
-Hercules can’t Irish Whip for shit.
-Short isn’t always sweet.
WINNER: Greg Valentine in 3:04 with a roll up and his feet on the ropes.
-Garvin announces Hercules the winner “in his opinion”. The ref corrects him and Garvin still announces Herc as the winner by DQ. Greg blasts Ronnie, who retaliates.
FINAL WORD: I have a piece of belly button lint worth more than that match.
-Mean Gene is with Zeus, Sherri, Macho and a cauldron? The faces Zeus makes when smelling are the highlight.
-Ted DiBiase gets a jobber entrance and some mic work against Jake the Snake. Jimmy Snuka enters and this starts quick.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: Ted DiBiase w/Virgil vs Jimmy Snuka
-Snuka botches a leap frog very early on.
-This is very sloppy and just there.
-Virgil pays dividends…then, not now. Virgil has no idea what dividends are.
-I have nothing.
WINNER: Ted DiBiase in 6:24 by countout
-Post match, Snuka flies at them, hits Virgil with a sloppy backbreaker and then the splash, which is all he has at this point. We have ANOTHER LVP candidate on our hands
FINAL WORD: These thrown together singles matches are dying a slow death with me.
-After a shot of a sign that says “Burtus”, we get a promo with Beefcake and Hogan, whose back is so dark he appears black. Hulk talks about bridges, Moses parting the red sea and I-95. You can’t make this up. Beefcake says he’s made of “tartanian” steel. Didn’t he used to coach college basketball? Can I stop this show now? Hulk talks about a curvy figure, headlights and some secret weapon bullshit. It’s probably Liz, which isn’t an appropriate way to describe her.
-The Genius reads a poem in the ring. Man, it sucked and I’m shocked he is straight.
-Macho’s team enters. Beefcake’s theme hits and Schiavone oversells it so ridiculously. Some punk fucking kid in the crowd is dressed like Beefcake with some gaudy jewelry. Hogan enters to a big ass pop and he whispers to Finkel, who introduces Liz with Savage’s music and another big pop. Jesse calls her a tramp and I chuckle.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: Randy Savage and Zeus w/Sensational Sherri vs Brutus Beefcake and Hulk Hogan w/Miss Elizabeth
-It’s a brawl to start and Zeus no sells Hulk’s stupid ass HHH knee, an eye rake and blocks a slam. He’s making the Ultimate Warrior look like Dolph Ziggler.
-They are in the tenth minute of this match two minutes in.
-All Zeus can do is a bearhug. He tries a bearhug pin! KILL MEEEE.
-Beefcake gets the hot tag and a seven year too early High Knee (get it?). He slaps a sleeper on and Jesse can’t believe the weak link is doing all the work. I love this man so much. Lock that MVP in.
-Beefcake gets his own eye rake and sleeper on Zeus. A purse shot by Sherri behind the ref’s back gets the heels back in control.
-Now, Zeus is only choking. Meanwhile, Savage is busting his speedy ass off hitting the ropes.
-Hulk gets the hot tag and even Sherri pulling his leg under the ropes can stop him.
-Mother…fucker. Savage hits the top rope elbow, turns back and Hulk is immediately on his feet. I hate that shit so much.
-Zeus is now magically pervious to pain. He’s down to one knee.
-Liz stops Sherri’s interference and Hulk hits Zeus with the loaded purse. Schiavone yells like it’s the end of the world. At least it’s the end of the match.
WINNERS: Brutus Beefcake and Hulk Hogan in 15:09 when Hogan pins Zeus after a big boot and leg drop.
FINAL WORD: I’d rather watch Thunderlips vs Rocky Balboa again.
-NO JOKE: Sherri tries to come in and break the pin up and gets caught. What does Schiavone do? TELLS HOGAN TO HIT HER. Jesse yells at him and Hogan gives Sherri an atomic drop into Liz, who hits her with the purse. Tony Schiavone is making Matt Striker sound like Gordon Solie. Beefcake cuts Sherri’s ponytail and Ventura is gold talking about Hogan beating up a woman. We get an early Schiavone “greatest moment in the history of our sport” quote. This isn’t WCW, fuck you! Hogan’s usual posing ends the show and the replay shows Liz’s smile and getting into Sherri’s trip.
THE LAST IMAGE: Brutus Beefcake cutting Sensational Sherri’s hair.
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: This may be the biggest runaway of all time, but Jesse Ventura does it again. He was on another level this entire show. He’s closer to Bobby Heenan all time than I remember.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Way too many to choose from, but that last segment confirmed Tony Schiavone is “the worst commentator in the history of our sport”.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Rick Rude vs Ultimate Warrior
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Hercules vs Greg Valentine
FINAL THOUGHTS: There are only three decent to good matches and the rest is so incredibly skippable or nonsensical that it continues my mindset that SummerSlam didn’t start as important. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND.
NEXT TIME: The NWA was on a roll. Let’s hope the first edition of Halloween Havoc continues that streak. With my luck, that’s the show Schiavone returned on.