There are certain moments in history where everything just makes sense. You can say that beyond wrestling. When Jordan hits the shot over Craig Ehlo, you just knew he’d go down as the greatest of all time. When the Beatles played on Ed Sullivan, you just knew they were the greatest band of all time. When the first trailer to Cats premiered, you knew it was a once in a lifetime experience in bad movies on a level we may never see again.
Today’s PPV falls into one of those “you just knew” moments: Starrcade 1990 sealed the deal on the NWA and WCW never beating the WWF.
Are we 11 years away from their demise? Absolutely. Are they legitimately going to kick the WWF’s ass for many years in that time period? Sure! Does this show get trumped in the next year in futility? Oh baby does it!
Still, it sets in motion all of the boneheaded decisions and certifies the stigma that they couldn’t hang and couldn’t stop getting in their own way. They have the better Blade Runner as their new, top star. They have the better pure wrestling. They have more money (seemingly) incoming from Ted Turner.
Yet, in their biggest show of the year, they couldn’t help themselves. I know this is more spoilerish than I like this opening to normally be. To be honest, it’s going to be hard not to do that for the few shows from the boys down South because it all boggles my mind.
This is the final PPV under the NWA banner. This is the bookend for Starrcade 1983 and the start of this era in wrestling according to the network. What better way to do it? I have dozens of ways, but I don’t have a time machine.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 36- NWA STARRCADE 1990: COLLISION COURSE
Written on 6/15/20
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: Some Star Trek styled logos with wrestlers inside of them plus some 1990 CGI boulders. The graphics department never fails to fail. We go live to St. Louis and the team of Jim Ross and Paul E. Dangerously are back! The crowd is not very excited even with the pyro over the ring. We have 14 MATCHES including the Pat O’Connor Memorial tag tournament because we have to have shitty gimmicks for our biggest show of the year.
-GMC announces the opening ceremonies and introduces “the greatest promoter ever” Sam Muchnick alongside Missy Hyatt. Sam talks and can barely be heard because he’s old and the microphone sucks. He thanks Ted Turner, Jim Herd and a few others. The crowd is respectful.
-Troops are onstage as the national anthem plays. The stage has a lame WCW star with some bright lights. GMC asks the crowd to stand halfway through the song. This show is being sent to the troops over in Saudi Arabia. So, this show is Crown Jewel before Crown Jewel, huh?
-We finally are getting some action and it’s my boy, Bobby Eaton! He gets the same Midnight Express theme all to himself. Why was he kept, but not Stan Lane and Jim Cornette. He’s too nice. We get some Starrcade Facts and we find out it’s his first 1 on 1 PPV match. If you’ve been reading all of these, you already knew that. That’s a nice addition to the broadcast. His opponent is the Z-Man. Damn it. He gets a decent pop for once. He’s on a 35-match winning streak! Holy shit! JR also tells us he’s a bachelor. Yuck.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: Bobby Eaton vs The Z-Man
-Ric Flair is announced as having to withdraw from the tag title match and will be replaced by Barry Windham. Hmm…
-Zenk hits two good backwards cross bodies from the top rope and Eaton naturally sells them wonderfully.
- “Geraldo” Dangerously tells us why Eaton is on his own: his partner started dating Yoko Ono. That’s a lame joke, but with Lane’s reputation, it could be true.
-I swear…I give Zenk a compliment and he always botches immediately afterwards. I’m not even sure what he was going for off of the ropes.
-Zenk tries to land on his feet off of a monkey flip…and he doesn’t. There he goes being the LVP again.
-Eaton takes a suplex from the ring to the apron. Ouch. Z-Man then dives onto him and tries to pin him on the ramp like an idiot.
-JR calls Paul “psycho ceramic” rooting for Eaton. Paul doesn’t get it and JR explains that it means “crackpot.” These two have great chemistry.
Eaton hits the Alabama Jam and Zenk basically gets right up. What the fuck is up with the Alabama Jam?
-An attack in the corner is blocked by Z-Man and he hits a dropkick followed by a shriek that would make Larry Zbyszko in the WrestleRock Rumble flinch. He even does the Randy Orton toe touch afterwards! Yep, he’s the LVP.
-Eaton hits a superkick from the top rope. Zenk tries for a missile dropkick and Eaton is ready to move.
-So much for that win streak.
WINNER: Bobby Eaton in 8:46 with a small package
FINAL WORD: The right guy won and he held the match down well enough!
-Tony Schiavone wearing a cheap calculator watch introduces local legend Dick the Bruiser. His assignment is now as the special guest referee for the main event. Is he the Black Scorpion? He sure sounds like him. He’s going to make sure Sting will get a fair shake. His poor voice.
-GMC introduces the Parade of Nations for the tag tournament. A BIG ASS trophy is brought down for the “champions of the universe”. The USA is naturally the number one seed and get the only pop of the eight countries. Some JCPenney catalog bitches walk out holding flags. I’m pretty sure they are out of order. The countries besides America are the United Kingdom, Russia, New Zealand, Mexico, South Africa, Canada and Japan. GMC is given a lot to do early and he always does well. Screw it, he’s the MVP right now. The bracket is shown and Paul gets a New York Giants dig in.
-Militant music plays for Col. DeKlerk (sadly not DeBeers) and Sgt. Krueger (sadly not Leo). The skinnier guy is Rocco Rock and the other guy is Ray Apollo AKA the other main Doink. So, these two are definitely not South African. They just ran out of legit international teams and threw these two jabrones in, huh? Nice camo pants and berets, assholes. Pyro and the anthem for the Steiner Brothers as we finally get a big reaction on this show. The Starrcade Stat tells us the Steiners are the current U.S. Tag Champs.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: TAG TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND MATCH- Col. DeKlerk and Sgt. Krueger vs The Steiner Brothers
-Paul must have his eye on Rocco Rock here. He puts over his ability to fly versus Scott and does the same with Krueger’s brawling versus Rick.
-Rick hits some great Steinerlines including a double one to the “South Africans.” DeKlerk answers with a spin kick and a dive over the top rope, but Rick catches him (sort of) and just leaves him there.
-Scott tags in and hits double bodyslams and a pristine tilt-a-whirl slam.
-Scott gets up before the final three count, but the ref calls it anyway.
WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers in 2:06 when Scott Steiner pins Col. DeKlerk with a Frankensteiner.
-The replay shows the ref fuck the ending up because he didn’t know Scott was going to float over into a different cover.
FINAL WORD: Get ready for a lot of these rapid-fire matches.
-Poor GMC has the longest, messiest paper full of info ever. Norman Smiley and Chris Adams enter representing the UK and Adams gets a good response out of name recognition. The Mexico team enters: Konnan (spelled Konan) and Rey Misterio (spelled Rey Misteric). JR calls him Misteric as well. GMC gets it right, though. Man, this is 1990 and we are going to see two of these guys in 10 years in this company. The stat for Mexico says they could be a surprise even though they are the four seed.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: TAG TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND MATCH- Chris Adams and Norman Smiley vs Konnan and Rey Misterio
-Rey and Norma start. This is such a weird beginning: Norman does a head stand, Adams jumps over him and they do a double dropkick.
-SUPERKICK!!!! Leg slap city by Konnan on that.
-Paul tells some racist ass jokes about Rey’s parents meeting on some banana boat and trying to pickpocket one another. JR tells him he needs an “yappendectomy”.
-Konnan is way too agile here for my brain. I’m used to seeing him throw this shoe as offense. Norman hits a nice Fisherman’s Suplex. Then a dropkick into a backslide. There are moves happening just for the sake of moves.
-The crowd doesn’t react to any of Mexico’s offense, no matter how impressive it may be. The UK are the babyfaces by a wide margin.
-Rey hits the steps getting thrown out of the ring, but gets back in to break up a great German pin by Norman even though Konnan was already kicking out.
-Adams gets thrown out into a table. So much happens during this last 30 seconds.
WINNERS: Team Mexico in 5:32 when Konnan pinned Norman Smiley with a reverse suplex and victory cradle.
-The crowd is confused at the ending because it was sloppy. To make them happy, Rey goes for a dive on Adams after the bell. He stops because Adams isn’t ready, then dives anyway to gasps and lands on the steps AGAIN. He totally fucked himself up and is legit injured. His leg is all gashed up.
FINAL WORD: That was one of the most confusing matches of all time. I’m calling it the Michael Bay of matches: big moves with no cohesion.
-JR sends it to Missy Hyatt and her atom bomb dress because there’s “50% fall out.” These jokes are dying a slow death with me. Missy is with Michael Wallstreet AKA more interesting Rotunda and Alexandra York AKA less interesting Terri Runnels. They were apparently featured in the money section of USA Today. The computer has predicted their victory in less than 8:32. Missy sounds like a robot and York sounds very unsure of herself and Wallstreet sounds like shit. Is this the worst overall interview ever?
-The Royal Family enter- Rip Morgan and Jack Victory now called Jacko Victory. Ohhhhh Johnny, I wonder if he loves the Yankees (let’s try for some really deep cut, old school BS Report references). Is this another fake country team? Upon research, Morgan is from New Zealand, so 50 percent ain’t bad. The Japanese team enter to foreboding music. The Great Muta gets a good reaction because he’s the bomb.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: TAG TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND MATCH- The Royal Family vs Mr. Saito and Great Muta
-A Muta chant breaks out as Paul says he thought Muta could have been the Black Scorpion based on all of the facts.
-JR points out that Victory is from New Jersey, but now lives in New Zealand.
-Muta hits a good dropkick and a dive from the top rope onto Victory on the ramp. That’s good enough to be MVP so far.
-Morgan is in versus Saito now. Boy does Saito resemble what I imagine Tomohiro Ishii’s dad looks like based on his build and stiffness.
-Saito was looking for the Scorpion Deathlock? It’s blocked and it’s weird seeing Japan being the faces for one match based on Muta’s popularity.
-Saito is sent into the post and takes the heat for a minute until a leg drop is missed and Muta gets the hot tag. He gets a great pop for his handspring back elbow.
-All four men brawl and Morgan hits Victory on accident. Here’s another sloppy finish made worse by Nick Patrick’s quiet ass count.
WINNERS: Team Japan when Great Muta pins Jacko Victory with a bridging German suplex.
FINAL WORD: The Great Muta singlehandedly made this passable.
-Paul interview Saito and Muta after the bell. Saito is better than I was thinking on the mic, but relies on “number one” and “puny Americans.” Paul then says “now check this out” and it just plays the replay again.
-GMC announces Team Canada and it ain’t Elix Skipper or A1. It’s Danny “Bull” Johnson and Troy Montour. I know everything about wrestling and I have no fucking clue who these two are. One is Native American and the other looks like Blackjack Mulligan’s clone. They couldn’t bring in a couple derelict Harts? The stats are hysterical: “they won the Canadian tournament in a major upset and they are not favored against the USSR.” Did they just get these two jamokes off the street? The USSR enter and these dudes are just actual wrestlers from the Olympics. These two could fuck you up based on their stats. JR is useful with all of his facts for once.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Troy Montour and Danny Johnson vs Victor Zangiev and Salmon Hasimikov
-Zangiev is a hairy motherfucker. Bull looks like that one dude from 3.0 and EverRise. The match starts and the crowd is perfectly silent.
-Zangiev locks on an amateur bow and arrow that seems rough as hell. This dude has some nasty cauliflower ears and he dished out more Greco-Roman shit.
-OH MY GOD. Zangiev tries for an overhead belly-to-belly and Johnson lands right onto his face and head. That was nasty. LVP for Johnson not knowing what to do.
-Montour and Salmon are in. Boring catcalls start. Troy jaws at the crowd about hair pulls and nothing is important.
-Another waistlock belly-to-belly that Troy doesn’t get up for at all. That’s it? Did this turn into a shoot?
WINNERS: Team USSR in 3:55 when Salmon Hasimikov pins Troy Montour after a belly-to-belly
-Montour kicked out twice, the ref stopped the count, then still counted to three. You can hear an old man let out a squeaking fart…and then the boooooooooos happen. Montour landed on his throat, then his shoulder and then his face on the replay.
FINAL WORD: That might have been the worst match I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Rico vs Heidenreich bad (inside joke, sorry). It’s going to be hard to beat that.
-Tony Schiavone interviews Sting backstage. Sting is calm and collected and can’t believe all that has happened. He says that you can tell by the tone of his voice that he’s going to get it done. This was a good comeback after his disastrous Halloween Havoc promos.
-Last night on Saturday Night! Some context from an NWA show! It’s with Terry Taylor and Michael Wallstreet, but I’ll take it! York slaps Taylor hard after calling her a kink in the system. Man, just ask New Jack. An argument takes place after that.
-Some St. Louis guy named Mickey introduces the next match. Terry Taylor enters as a face with a nice robe and a good reaction. I like Mickey’s cadence, but he doesn’t wait for anything. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the LA Law-styled theme for the York Foundation. Wait…York is just an administrative assistant? That’s it? Did that used to mean something else? Wallstreet enters and this is so much better than a fucking boat captain. Taylor is ranked #8 and Wallstreet is ranked #7. I’m still hung up on York. Is she not a manager?
MATCH NUMBER SIX: Terry Taylor vs Michael Wallstreet w/Alexandra York
-Taylor jumps Wallstreet at the bell and hits some dropkicks and rapid-fire pins that are all survived. A clock is on the screen to count down the 8:32 prediction.
-They are really pushing this Wallstreet featured in USA Today thing. It must have worked because there is a big “Wallstreet sucks” chant and people usually don’t care about Rotunda at all.
-JR says Michael has legally changed his last name to Wallstreet. That’s good continuity.
-I’m shocked this clock is accurate so far. JR has some foreshadowing on a plastic surgery line regarding York’s nose in the air as she types on the shittiest computer ever.
-Methodical offense by Wallstreet and JR acknowledges Taylor’s frustrations with his career over the past two years. You aren’t clucking kidding.
-JR tells a really stale and bad joke about Bernie Goetz regarding Paul riding on a monorail. A good match is going on, by the way.
-Taylor hits a good atomic drop right into a belly-to-back suplex. He hits his Five Arm finish, but Wallstreet ends up in the ropes.
-The Stun Gun counter was popular for heels! That’s not a Samoan Drop either, that’s…
WINNER: Michael Wallstreet in 6:55 with the Stock Market Crash
FINAL WORD: That was well under the predicted time and clean as a whistle. Good establishing win that fixes Rotunda’s past. I almost care now.
-A WrestleWar 1991 promo airs with Michael Hayes as Uncle Sam, War Games being built and a random Sid line before Sting dismisses us.
-The original Skyscrapers music plays with some pyro for the Big Car (not Ernie Ladd, but Curtis Hughes) and the Motor City Madman. The crowd buzzes because they see who are at the top of the stage. Some face-like music plays for the Skyscrapers. Dan Spivey is in chaps and Sid Vicious is in a singlet. The crowd gives them a huge ovation and this feels important.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: The Big Cat and The Motor City Madman vs The Skyscrapers
-The stats are interrupted as the match starts with brawling. The Big Cat is double teamed and the Skyscrapers fuck it up when Dan thinks they are going for a kick and Sid thinks they are going for a backdrop. They figure it out on the second try.
-The Madman is clumsy as fuck. I had to rewatch this whole match FYI because I didn’t have time to write down everything I needed.
-The Nightstalker was taken out by Sid the previous night and the Madman is the replacement.
-Skyscrapers hit a big shoulder block and clothesline in the corner. The Madman sandbags the shit out of Sid and Spivey comes by to help out.
WINNERS: The Skyscrapers in 1:02 when Sid Vicious pins the Motor City Madman after a double powerbomb.
FINAL WORD: A 60 second squash match that had three botches. In other words, I loved this for all of the right and wrong reasons.
-Paul interviews the Skyscrapers in their “one night only reunion and retirement.” They pick Paul up to them eye-to-eye. Spivey says they do whatever they want and he’s great here. Just keep these two together forever. It’s best for the world.
-This show is moving too fast and I have to constantly pause. The Rock N Roll Express music I used for Podswoggle plays as Ricky Morton and Tommy Rich enter along with Robert Gibson on crutches. Badstreet USA plays and OH NO! The Freebirds enter with Confederate flag facepaint and glittery robes. This was always problematic, but ESPECIALLY now. This is somehow worse than the Southern Boys. We get too close of a shot of Little Richard Marley. Paul is funny asking if Bruce Springsteen or MC Hammer ever broke legs or sent anyone to the hospital. Because they haven’t, that makes the Freebirds the best rock n roll band in the world.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: Ricky Morton and Tommy Rich w/Robert Gibson vs The Fabulous Freebirds w/Little Richard Marley
-The faces are hot to start with dropkicks to everyone including Marley. JR explains the history of the Kiel Auditorium and tells us this could be the last show in the building.
-Michael Hayes blocks a shot into the post, laughs at Morton, then eats a punch from Gibson. The ref is hopefully distracted off camera or the rules can just go fuck themselves.
-Double Figure Fours on the Birds. I had to look it up per my trend lately: Michael Hayes is 31 YEARS OLD HERE?!?!?!?!?! More big shots to the heels and Hayes jumping around into Jimmy Garvin’s arms as the heels have been destroyed thus far. Marley takes another shot, too.
-Rich takes Hayes’ punch, but avoid the DDT and gets the tag.
-What a convoluted Mouse Trap ending: Hayes and Marley set up breaking Morton’s leg, but Gibson hits Marley on the top rope with his crutch. Marley falls into Garvin who was setting up the DDT. Garvin chokes Marley in frustration and here is the finish.
WINNERS: Ricky Morton and Tommy Rich in 6:13 when Morton pins Jimmy Garvin with a roll-up.
-The Freebirds beat up Marley with a double DDT after the bell. Even JR has sympathy for his as the faces eventually come to help him. Because of that, Gibson is caught on the ramp by the heels with a double clothesline.
FINAL WORD: That was more story than match. It was frantic and short, but the live crowd was happy. This TV crowd wasn’t particularly amused.
-Tony Schiavone interviews Stan Hansen and 75 pounds of chewing tobacco. I know I have seen him, but this is what I imagine what Joe House looks like after a meal (one to go). We have a Texas Lariat match later, but the bell is too violent to be attached. There’s also a four count? The promo is good, but I have no idea what to expect for rules later.
-Team Mexico is out and they still didn’t change “Misteric.” Both guys are kinda limping. The Steiners enter in new gear because they rule. This could be good…on paper.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: TAG TOURNEY SEMIFINAL MATCH- Team Mexico vs The Steiner Brothers
-Rick and Konnan start with some grappling and heel trips.
-Awesome explosiveness by Rick on a powerslam, then a Doomsday bulldog on Konnan, who is now dead.
-Rey and Scott now square off as JR says Konnan probably think he had some bad tequila. Rey looks like Silver King’s uncle instead of Rey Jr’s with his hair and build.
-Scott hits a big suplex and Rick tags back in. He takes two tackles and catches a hurricanrana. We going home early?
WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers in 2:53 when Rick Steiner pins Rey Misterio with a powerbomb
FINAL WORD: Can anything get five more minutes so the match can be ratable?
-Tony Schiavone interviews Arn Anderson and Barry Windham in their street fight attire. A clip is shown of Ric Flair being attacked by some randos in a limo driven by Teddy Long earlier in the day. Arn wearing a backwards hat is something I’d never believe. We miss half of his promo because of the video played, but it’s Arn Anderson, so you know it was good.
-The Russians are out and I can’t imagine having that much body hair. Japan enters as the heels who are being cheered like the faces. Paul previews the match very well with Zangiev and Muta being the speedsters and Saito and Salmon being the powerhouse Olympians.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: TAG TOURNEY SEMIFINAL MATCH- Victor Zangiev and Salmon Hasimikov vs The Great Muta and Mr. Saito
-Zangiev and Muta engage in a great, quick back-and-forth with go-behinds. Muta is muscled up by a waistlock belly-to-back for a two count.
-Saito is wearing some big ass socks. Salmon does a good leg lift takedown and a Boston Crab that Muta breaks up. These guys are so much better when they don’t have to work shitty Canadians.
-Saito puts the Scorpion Deathlock on, but it is broken. Salmon hits a dangerous suplex and takedowns on Muta. Saito comes in and changes the mood with a big clothesline.
-Did the Russians insist on the pins to look real or some shit? They are really trying to kick out.
WINNERS: Team Japan in 3:08 when Mr. Saito pinned Victor Zangiev with a Saito suplex.
FINAL WORD: That started getting choppy, so it’s a good thing it ended.
-The top two seeds were built up against one another and now it will happen.
-Tony Schiavone interviews Doom and Teddy Long in their street gear and their typical 1990s cartoony graphic shirt. Long is not needed to shout his promo especially when Ron Simmons can cut a great 30-second promo. Butch Reed does the same with a good line about being “born, lived and survived in the streets.” Long wraps up by quoting the fallen and I can’t get up commercial. He’s LVP caliber now.
-The NWA is obsessed with these shitty posters with the face drawings and the pyro in them! Lex Luger enters in black gear (for the first time?) The stat has Lex as the underdog in his first Texas “Lariet” match and someone really needs spell check. Stan Hansen enters a fucking gross mess. It is normal strap match rules as GMC lays it out for us. He has been unflappable all night. It started as a joke, but he may very well be the MVP. The ref ties the rope to the two men and it is a very flimsy looking rope.
MATCH NUMBER ELEVEN: U.S. TITLE TEXAS LARIAT MATCH- Lex Luger vs Stan Hansen (Champ)
-Stan jumps Lex as the ref finishes tying the rope. The lashes with the rope make no sound, so Lex naturally sells them like death.
-A brawl on the floor knocks over a Japanese photographer and Stan gets a chair shot on Lex’s back.
-Lex gets a big clothesline and instinctively goes for the pin.
-Stan stops Lex on the third buckle touch with the ugliest belly-to-back ever.
-Hansen hangs Lex over the top and the crowd is aghast. JR is good here being equally aghast.
-It’s good to see the psychology and structure of these matches hasn’t changed in 30 years.
-Lex uses the rope to whip Stan into the post on the floor and follows it up with three weak leg drops and starts to touch the corners. He gets three and the crowd gets super loud as Stan pulls him back. Stan lets go and Lex hits the fourth buckle, but he knocks the ref down at the same time.
-A new referee, Nick Patrick, comes out, but he just lets Stan start touching corners and the crowd is rightfully livid.
-I just noticed that Hansen took his boot off at some point. He hits his lariat and touches the fourth buckle and the bell rings. Patrick grabs the title and GMC announces Stan as the winner, but the original ref puts Stan’s arm down to a big pop. Lex gets a clothesline and his title back.
WINNER: Lex Luger in 10:13 to win the title.
-Lex celebrates on the floor and the original ref is thrown out of the ring by Stan off camera.
FINAL WORD: What an unnecessarily controversial ending after a fine match.
-JR interviews Lex and he lets out a guttural “how good it feels!!!!” It is a short and sweet promo. In other words, it’s his best promo to date.
-Back to GMC and back to shitty posters for Flair and Arn. Barry Windham and Arn Anderson enter with hats, shirts and jeans to Windham’s theme. Doom gets some posters, too and they enter to booming pyro. Their stat only shows Long’s face. This is another match that starts off-camera.
MATCH NUMBER TWELVE: NWA TAG TITLE STREET FIGHT- Arn Anderson and Barry Windham vs Doom (Champs) w/Teddy Long
-Barry gets slammed on the ramp by Ron. Arn whips Ron with his belt. Reed suplexes Barry in the ring. It’s been less than 60 seconds and this is already the best match on the show.
-Arn hits Ron in the lower extremities with a chair and Barry takes a shot to the head with a belt buckle, lacerating him already. He counteracts that with a belly-to-back on the floor. This is total bedlam.
-Butch Reed takes a LOUD UNPROTECTED CHAIR SHOT TO THE HEAD courtesy of Arn Anderson. It’s been awhile since we’ve had one. Barry hits Ron as well but he protects himself. Both members of Doom are bleeding.
-Butch hits Barry in the back and then a huge spinebuster for only a two somehow. Arn’s shirt is now ripped and he completes the bloody foursome.
-Both teams have athletic representatives checking on their cuts. Barry hits the superplex and Ron shockingly kicks out. That’s essentially Windham’s finish.
-Windham hits a DDT and this is the best he’s ever looked to me thus far.
-Ron blocks Arn’s chair shot and pushes it back into him for an UNPROTECTED CHAIR SHOT TO THE HEAD and another surprisingly two count. Reed hits a piledriver on Windham.
-Simmons hits a great mid-air clothesline on Arn while Windham gets Reed in a small package. Double pin and double three counts. The bell finally rings after some confusion and all four men are still fighting.
-Backdrops on the ramp and clotheslines after clotheslines and this is so damn good.
WINNERS: Draw at 7:20
FINAL WORD: I’m not even mad at the finish because that ruled. Finally a passionate war that was much needed on this turd of a show.
-Paul wants to know who won and JR doesn’t know and calls him stupid twice. I love how mad these two make each other. The replay shows the small package was on an extra second or two while waiting for Simmons to pin Arn. Paul just stares at JR incredulous over the stupid comment before the WrestleWar commercial plays again.
-Saito and Muta walk out with too much sprinkler pyro on the ramp that they have to walk through. Muta mists in the air to a good pop. It sounds like Tiger Hattori is the ref? He is! Nice! The Steiners come back out. Rick is done changing, but Scott is not.
MATCH NUMBER THIRTEEN: TAG TITLE TOURNAMENT FINALS- Mr. Saito and Great Muta vs The Steiner Brothers
-Paul calls JR Jimmy the Greek for the second time in the night as he predicts the Steiners. Paul predicts the Japanese because the yen is worth more.
-Muta hits a dope enzigiri on Scott that JR calls a spinning karate kick. These two in the ring right now is gold. Paul doesn’t trust Tiger because he doubts he can be impartial.
-Muta’s kicks are the tits. It strengthens his MVP case.
-Saito and Rick exchange stiff shots and Rick wins the exchange with a dropkick and Steinerline. Muta gets crotched on the top rope and JR says “sayonara to your date tonight.”
-JR announces the official no decision for the Tag Title match and question what can actually end it if a street fight can’t.
-Everything Muta does gets an “ooh” from the crowd.
-Saito hits his dope suplex on Rick as JR makes a Ford vs Honda collision joke. JR’s USA bias is wearing on me.
-A power drive elbow and Rick gets sent into the post. Muta hits him with the ring bell in the face. Good work getting the crowd to dislike Muta as Scott tries to help, but Tiger stops him.
-Saito puts a choke hold on for too long and Tiger counts to 3 really quick causing the break, then Saito puts it right back on. Scott thankfully doesn’t call Tiger anything offensive while interfering.
-BIG Steinerline on Muta and Scott gets the tag. He launches Muta with a backdrop and a Tiger Bomb.
-The heels get the advantage again highlighted by a spike piledriver, but don’t go for the pin. Rick takes a spin kick out of the ring ad Scott remains in trouble as the crowd chants “USA.”
-Rick gets a blind tag as Muta taunts in the corner. Saito puts Scott in a sleeper and I’m shocked Rick didn’t shit himself on this finish.
WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers in 10:53 when Rick Steiner pins Mr. Saito with a top rope sunset flip.
FINAL WORD: I’m glad the final got a little time. It’s too little, too late.
-The award presentation commences as Rick waves the American flag and the ladies with the flags are back. Tony Schiavone asks for a hand for the O’Connor family who are apparently in the crowd somewhere. Jim Herd gets on the mic and he makes Jack Tunney sound like CM Punk. I’m tempted to throw him in the running because NEVERMIND THAT SHIT, MUSHMOUTH SCOTT STEINER PROMO TIME. He butchers the name of St. Louis, starts to say “great grandfat…uncle” as he talks about veteran family members. His mouth is the worst! Even back then! He’s too good in the ring, though. This might as well be an Andrew the Giant Luck promo (and we’re done!)
-Damn, they aren’t messing around! The cage is already up and the crowd boos Paul’s prediction of the Black Scorpion winning. GMC gives a whole spiel about the guest referee, Dick the Bruiser. He’s called “wrestling’s most dangerous man” and he’s a fucking brick shithouse. I was about to call him Popeye, but Paul beats me to it.
-Some mysterious music leads a guy in all black with a mask to the ring. A whole line of them appear, four to be exact. Unsolved Mysteries theme, eat your heart out! Everyone is confused, then a rumble as a fucking SPACECRAFT lowers.
-This is like a cheap ass MST3K movie. The spacecraft closes into a dome and lowers to the ramp. So, it’s not an exact ship? They were definitely hoping the Warrior jumped with this nonsense. Ole Anderson on the P.A. talks about messengers and being the one, true Black Scorpion. The dome moves and a man stands with a mask and glittery robe/cape. He walks really slow and holds his arms out at one point. Paul is really good seeing unease and nervousness. You can tell he’s trying so hard to not be Ric Flair.
-Sting comes out slowly, confident and subdued. The crowd is excited, but not as much as you’d expect. This Scorpion shit hurt Sting so badly. I love Sting’s green gear. The Scorpion jumps and runs a little to get ready.
MATCH NUMBER FOURTEEN: NWA TITLE CAGE MATCH- The Black Scorpion vs Sting (Champ)
-Flair (I’m not even going to try and act like it’s someone else) is trying to do different mannerisms. He slaps Sting in the arm during a headlock and gives an awkward elbow. A couple fans are already chanting “Nature Boy.”
-Some regular offense and the crowd is very quiet for this.
-Flair hits a side salto suplex and Dick talks an hour to get down for the pin. We may have a Gene Kiniski Starrcade 1983 situation here.
-The winner will be the first WCW Champion according to JR.
-A long, boring headscissors and Dick makes random, inaudible counts.
-Bruiser stops the count when Scorpion has his feet on the ropes and puts his head against his. Okay…yeah, LVP.
-There’s a guy sitting on top of the cage recording this!!! Jesus! They are bouncing and throwing each other in that corner several times, too!
-More removal of legs from ropes. I’m glad we have a clear cut LVP after some weak cases. What’s with these old guys not being able to ref?
-Okay, at 8 minutes, even if you are totally oblivious: those punches and noises are blatantly Ric Flair.
-Sting hits a press slam and misses a cross body into the cage.
-These counts are actively the worst ever and there are barely active. It takes everyone- wrestlers, commentators and crowd- out of the match.
-The crowd shows half-a-dozen dudes in black with Black Scorpion signs. Cool. Not.
-Sting goes into the cage several times and takes a sloppy piledriver. Sting survives with a rope break. The cameraman is so bored that we start getting more random fan shots.
-Paul does his best on commentary debating if the Scorpion has been lying, now thinking he wasn’t because he’s known Sting so well. He’s a former partner for sure.
-Sting hits a big bulldog and Bruiser just claps for him and roots him on. Stinger Splash in the corner and Flair does the calmest flop ever. It was more like Greg Valentine’s.
-Sting puts the Deathlock on and Sting just kinda falls out of it. Sting sends his nemesis into the cage and he gets unmasked…revealing another one underneath! A-ha!
-Flair to the top trying to climb out. Sting follows and gets knocked off. Flair walks the ropes and randomly falls, crotching himself. Now he’s yelling like himself all the time.
-A very scary press slam head first into the cage and his mask has been ripped, meaning he is bleeding. Well, that gives it away!
-You know what’s cool? A three count that takes six seconds.
WINNER: Sting in 18:32 to retain the title with a top rope cross body.
FINAL WORD: Unequivocally, that was the worst one-on-one match these two ever have against one another.
-The multiple Scorpions are in and Sting and Dick beat them up and unmask them. One if the original Angel of Death. Two minutes are left in the broadcast apparently. The Horsemen are now in and they attack Dick with a chair. Sting gets a DDT on the chair and they continue beating him down with the chair including some weird stomach shots.
-Babyfaces like Z-Man, Terry Taylor and Ricky Morton try to help. A chant for Lex Luger means the Steiner Brothers enter with bolt cutters. They are going to trust Rick Steiner to work bolt cutters??!?!? They finally get in and Sting is ripping away at the Scorpion’s mask. He has blonde hair and IT’S RIC FLAIR!!!! FUCKING SHOCKER!!!! The crowd boss, but in a bad way. Some siren is going off. The heels scurry away as JR signs off. Some pyro and info on how to buy the commemorative shirt as if you’d want to remember this. Then, a Happy Holidays message!
THE LAST IMAGE: A wide shot of the arena.
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: At least we got three Great Muta matches and he made the most of them.
FINAL LVP of PPV: There needs to be a basic wrestling referee seminar for legends who are going to do it. Once that’s established, save some room for Dick the Bruiser to attend.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Doom vs Arn Anderson and Barry Windham
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Bull Johnson and Troy Montour vs Victor Zangiev and Salmon Hasimikov
FINAL THOUGHT: Stop doing bad gimmicks like the Black Scorpion. Stop killing your biggest shows with stupid tournaments. Stop bringing in no-name wrestlers that the crowd doesn’t care about. Stop running out of time before the show can come to a decent conclusion. Just stop. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: The Persian Gulf War has broken out, but that doesn’t stop the 1991 Royal Rumble from happening. Can we just retcon Sgt. Slaughter as the Black Scorpion and call the whole thing off?