Mullet's Retro Diary 37: Royal Rumble 1991

Politics and wrestling. Yuck.

Throughout my life, we’ve been subjected to presidential parodies (and campaigns), cringeworthy terrorist angles and all kinds of jingoist bullshit. What else would you expect from the ultimate carny, Vince McMahon? We will get to all of those moments (unfortunately), but the first one that I remember has already begun and it’s about to receive a serious shove into one of the all-time notorious storylines of all time.

We enter the year 1991 in the midst of a very awful time in history very much similar to what we’ve seen in 2020: racial tension, inept leadership and a new decade of uncertainty. What 2020 lacks, however, is a fucking war.

Why did it all have to rear its ugly head during my favorite event, the Royal Rumble?

PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 37- WWF ROYAL RUMBLE 1991

Written on 6/22/20

THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: The U.S. flag blowing in the wind. I told you. The Fink announces the National Anthem off camera. I think this show takes place the day after Desert Storm kicks off? The audience is shown in close ups and mouthing along, looking for the camera or just being American in general based on their awful appearance. PLAY BALL (I think it’s too early to go for a National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation reference challenge, but fuck it)! Then, it’s TIME TO RUMBLE with the classic Rumble theme and Vince’s voiceover breaking down the Rumble participants. He uses “the” in weird places and insists on saying the team names of LOD and Demolition before the individual’s names. How the fuck, realistically, did Sgt. Slaughter get the #1 contender spot? Never mind that shit! Virgil is wrestling! Dustin Rhodes’ PPV debut! No more Sato! Let’s go, Miami!

-Gorilla Monsoon welcomes us to a Rumble in Florida for the second straight year. Roddy Piper is with him and he is AMPED. He says something about hair and teeth while wearing a yellow ribbon around his arm. He’s so excited that you can’t make out the words he’s saying at times. GONG and the Orient Express enter. We’ve moved onto Kato and we’re only missing DDP from the original Bad Company crew. Piper says something about them gnawing on raw fish. The Rockers enter to a big pop and wearing gear that Marty Jannetty would get for his second Hasbro.

MATCH NUMBER ONE: The Orient Express w/Mr. Fuji vs The Rockers

-The Express jump the faces at the bell and knock Marty out before giving Shawn Michaels a HUUUUUGGE double back body drop. The Rockers fight back with a double slam on Tanaka and stereo suicide dives through the ropes. Man, maybe the Steiners have competition as best team in the world.

-Things settle with Kato vs Marty as a USA chant breaks out. Get ready for a lot of that. Good grappling and counter wrestling by both men. Piper has good analysis early on about the headlocks they apply.

-Shawn and Tanaka enter and I’m not a fan of Tanaka’s feet (or any feet for that matter). I am a fan of his reverse flying forearm, though. It’s always impressive.

-Nice spot with a double drop down by Shawn over Kato and Tanaka before a double headbutt and Shawn doing HHH’s high knee.

-Marty stupidly distracts the ref when Shawn has the sleeper on Tanaka and Kato hits him from behind. No wonder he’s scared of Shawn so bad when he jumps through the Barbershop window next year.

-Shawn vaults into MVP status with a standing top rope moonsault on Kato. All four men are in and the heels eat double dropkicks. Then some stereo cross bodies from the ring to the floor. Give me 1991 Rockers vs 1991 Steiners! Please let time travel be real!

-Shawn hits a good, delayed vertical suplex on Kato, then sells great on a monkey flip block before eating a stun gun on the top rope. That solidifies his MVP case. Fuji sneaks in a shot with his cane to the throat.

-Why is the brunette and the less talented partner always awaiting the hot tag? I know I’m only thinking of Marty Jannetty and Robert Gibson right now, but I’m sure there are others.

-Loooooong nerve hold by Tanaka and the ref eventually checks Shawn, but he hangs on.

-Shawn does the big Flair bump in the corner and takes a crescent kick in the back from Tanaka. He could go the distance.

-A good hot tag block and Kato takes his sash off, trying a double clothesline with it, but Shawn splashes it instead and the heels bump into each other.

-Marty finally gets the hot tag and he’s a house of fire with kicks and powerslams.

-Marty botches a backslide as he’s kicked by Tanaka going into it. You just tagged in, dude!

-Kato takes a double superkick and the faces go for the Rocker Launcher, but Shawn is kicked off the top to the floor in a big bump.

-Slingshot chop to Marty. They try it again, Shawn hits Tanaka and that’s a good sequence to close us out.

WINNERS: The Rockers at 19:15 when Marty Jannetty pins Tanaka with a sunset flip.

FINAL WORD: No jokes here. That was an excellent tag team match to start us off.

-Sean Mooney interviews Randy Savage backstage. He claims to be the #1 contender and Slaughter has promised him a shot, but he hasn’t gotten the same commitment from the Ultimate Warrior. Queen Sherri comes out without her usual queen shit to talk to Mean Gene live. It’s interesting that they watch this on the monitor. Sherri says the same thing Macho did and Savage is inset watching this. She questions Warrior’s honor, calling him yellow. Warrior’s theme hits and he gets a huge ovation. It’s weird to see him just walk out, especially wearing an odd USA leather jacket. Sherri starts flirting with him. GROSS! In many ways. She unzips his jacket, touches his chest and takes it off (kinda). She tries to kiss him; he smiles and she gets on her knees to a very uncomfortable pop. Warrior smiles really creepily.

-Warrior spits, shakes and yells “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” in her face. He beats his chest and leaves. Savage freaks out and runs out of the locker room, claiming to “get him now.” He comes from the crowd really quickly and joins Sherri in complaining and yelling. That was an odd segment.

-I’m not sure if there was an edit because the Barbarian and Bobby Heenan are in the ring. Heenan is wearing an atrocious glittery pink top. The Big Boss Man runs to the ring and makes the heels and Fink bail. He’s another super over babyface.

MATCH NUMBER TWO: The Barbarian w/Bobby Heenan vs The Big Boss Man

-Boss gets Barbarian’s coat, but ultimately does nothing with it.

-90 seconds of stalling and “Weasel” chants. Barbarian starts with some strikes and Boss sells very oddly. He bounces back with a big boot and back elbow.

-Some good action for a big man battle including a clothesline over the top rope with both men flying to the floor. Boss spits in Bobby’s face.

-Boss Man’s shirt is open and it makes the strap across his chest look weird. Barb is impressive with a suplex and BIG standing clothesline. Boss takes a shot and takes a sloppy attempt at getting out of the ring, but his foot gets stuck in the ropes for a while. This is a surprising LVP performance thus far.

-Heenan kicks Boss from behind the ref’s back and Boss doesn’t sell it badly.

-The match slows with a bearhug and Boss Man calling spots right in front of the camera.

-It’s encouraging how much better Piper is at commentary versus where he was five months ago. What’s not encouraging is a second bearhug in this match.

-Headbutting and biting breaks the bearhug and Boss gets an enzigiri after almost falling on getting his boot caught.

-Barb has good nearfall control. It’s nice to see any sort of control as Boss Man is all over the place.

-Barbarian is the first man up after a double down and he nails a top rope clothesline. Boss gets his foot on the rope at two. Boss rebounds with his finisher, but he celebrates instead of trying a pin. He finally does and Barbarian barely gets his fingertips on the bottom rope.

-JESUS! Barbarian hits an ugly, jumping piledriver and Boss Man flies out of it. That was totally Boss Man’s fault. He’s definitely an LVP threat.

-Barbarian goes back up top. You aren’t light heavyweights! Don’t end your shit like this!

WINNER: The Big Boss Man in 14:15 after rolling through a top rope cross body.

FINAL WORD: That was an off night for Ray Traylor.

-Sean Mooney interviews General Adnan and Sgt. Slaughter in full Saddam/Iraqi garb now. Adnan yells in a foreign language, cutting a full promo as Slaughter makes cartoony faces. Slaughter growls all of his words, calling his opponent “the Ultimate Puke” and claims turmoil is coming. That sounds like a 2000s WCW Saturday Night character Jimmy Hart would try.

-Mean Gene interviews the Ultimate Warrior and botches his name. Warrior claims that he only answers to his warriors. His answers to Gene’s questions are shorter and easier to digest. Man, this might be his best promo ever just because I understood it.

-Gorilla claims that Slaughter’s promo doesn’t reflect the WWF’s thoughts and Piper puts the USA over for freedom of speech. Slaughter enters to natural big heat. A sign calls him “Gomer” and Gorilla naturally laughs as an old fogey. Warrior runs out and the heels try to clothesline him with the flag pole twice. He ducks and hits a double clothesline, breaking the pole with his chest. The crowd is in a frenzy as he rips the Iraqi flag and celebrates. Then, he stuffs the flag in Sgt’s mouth and Piper says “eat sand!” BOY OH BOY this is a start.

MATCH NUMBER THREE: WWF TITLE MATCH- Sgt. Slaughter w/General Adnan vs The Ultimate Warrior (Champ)

-Adnan went to the back after he was attacked. Slaughter barely gets over for a back drop, then takes two hard throws and bumps into the corner. One causes him to fall to the floor.

-Sherri runs out in a new outfit. The crowd is beside themselves. Sherri trips Warrior and he chases her up the entrance. Macho Man blindsides Warrior out of nowhere, then hits him running in the back with a giant light. The ref is distracted by Slaughter in the ring and he continually stops the count as the Warrior crawls back to the ring.

-Slaughter stops the count three times as the USA chant grows. This is not much of a match thus far, but it’s an incredible story.

-Slow, lumbering offense by Slaughter as he uses his spiked boot before a double down on a clothesline.

-Ridiculous spot alert: Slaughter teases a double axe handle from behind for like 15 seconds, the Warrior turns away from him and he just slaps on a bearhug instead. Three bearhugs in two straight matches?

-Warrior fights out with a slam, but he sells the back and takes some elbows. Warrior is doing really well here. Maaaaaaaybe an MVP chance?

-The Camel Clutch is applied with half of Warrior hanging out of the ring. Warrior is out, the ref breaks and Slaughter celebrates, but the ref sees Warrior under the ropes and keeps the match going.

-Warrior hulks up with clotheslines and tackles. Sherri is BACK out to distract. Warrior drags her into the ring over the top rope and she almost takes a header. Warrior press slams her onto Macho, who ran back out.

-Slaughter hits a knee from behind and Savage hits Warrior behind the ref’s back with an UNPROTECTED SHOT TO THE HEAD with his scepter. It was probably gimmicked, but I see pieces, so I’m counting it.

-Luckily, that scepter shot looked good enough because that last blow was weak ass shit.

WINNER: Sgt. Slaughter at 12:45 to win the title with an elbow drop.

-Gorilla and Piper are incredulous, claiming this can’t be allowed and grasping for the chance of a DQ. No announcement is officially made and the crowd chants for Hogan. The Warrior barely gets up and runs to the back. Fink finally announces the “NEEEEEEEEEEEEW” champs and Piper yells “BULL” several times.

The crowd is mad, but mostly sitting on their hands. There should be a riot, but it’s just recognized as bad booking for the most part.

FINAL WORD: When the Ultimate Warrior carries a match followed by the crowd, you know it’s paltry.

-A WrestleMania VII ad and they are still trying to do the Coliseum, huh? 213-480-3232 CALL NOW!

-Birdman music for Koko B. Ware as Gorilla is still mad and claiming the crowd is shocked. Yeah, good luck with this one, Koko. The original, underrated Mountie music plays as Jacques Rougeau returns without his hairy brother. He’s accompanied by Jimmy Hart, his cattle prod and an attitude that is way too serious.

MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Koko B. Ware vs The Mountie w/Jimmy Hart

-Koko starts two slow claps or tries to, at least. Then, he flaps his wings and he’s getting a Jelly of the Month Club reaction. This is brainless, dickless and hopeless (I will only count that as one reference, but I may go back on that later on.)

-The Mountie is trying here. He hits two leap frogs and Koko punches him on the third. The commentators put over the Royal Canadian Police and denounce the Mountie’s tactics.

-Koko takes a big backdrop over the top and Jimmy Hart distracts the ref so Mountie can get an odd shot on Koko’s throat with the prod. It doesn’t make any noise and even the commentators are confused.

-LOL moment: Jimmy Hart cuts a promo in the face of Frankie the bird. Man, that is great.

-Did the Mountie just goose-step? Piper asks the same question. What’s happening with this show’s insensitivity?

-Koko blocks a piledriver in time for the crowd to not completely lose interest in between Mountie’s chokes and brawling.

-Koko hits a neckbreaker and birds up? Piper even says “the hell with the wings, go after him!” Koko hits an ugly missile dropkick from the top, but lands on his feet. Figure that one out.

-A couple of nearfall hope spots for Koko before he finally flies the coup.

WINNER: The Mountie in 9:11 with a catching chokeslam (that’s the only way I’d explain it)

FINAL WORD: Was it more of a poor choice to follow that angle or a weaker start to the Mountie character?

-Mooney interview Macho Man and Sherri. Macho is delusional about being the GOAT, always being the champ and there’s a banging on the door. The heels run off and Mooney follows suit soon afterwards.

-Gorilla and Roddy kill some time. Piper can’t stop shout talking as he breaks down everything that happened to the Warrior in the title match. We cut back to Mean Gene with Slaughter and Adnan. Slaughter tells him to shut up and he cuts his best promo to date. He’s passionate and powerful and hits his catchphrases before Adnan shouts unintelligibly again. He takes his headdress on and hugs Slaughter. Oh, that’s sweet.

-Back to the commentators and Piper calls Slaughter a “son of an unnamed goat.” He pretends to spit and his headset flies off. Then, we transition to clips of audience members earlier in the day wishing the troops well. Every person is unable to speak without messing their words up…except this kid Andrew from Hollywood. Fuck yeah, Andrew in Hollywood! Back to Gorilla and Piper, who is still seething. They talk about Hulk Hogan being blocked from going on a Saudi tour, but will be visiting bases in the U.S. instead. Piper is good explaining that they don’t know what else to do, so this is their way of helping out. It feels more genuine than anything WWE has done in 10 years.

-Rumble promo time!

-Jake Roberts: cool and cold as usual, not sweating the match at all.

-Earthquake: classic singlet and ready as usual.

-Greg Valentine: gets an unusual promo and doesn’t look like a tool anymore

-Texas Tornado: tries a weather analogy and largely fails.

-Legion of Doom: tease going against each other.

-Undertaker and Brother Love: the first “Rest in Peace” ever!

-Jim Duggan: can’t say “WWF” properly and punches his 2X4 out of the shot. LVP.

-Rick Martel: too oily and ripped

-British Bulldog: he’s back and he’s glad he’s a bulldog. Okay?

 -Mr. Perfect and Bobby Heenan: damn it, they are just the best combo ever.

-Tugboat: does he think he’s a boat? If it comes down to him and Hulk…and then he just makes a boat noise.

-Back to Gorilla and Piper. Roddy honestly doesn’t think he can take anymore. He calls this the greatest PPV ever (it’s not) and previews the upcoming tag match. Piper had lunch with Virgil earlier and this was always such an odd addition to the story. It sounds like Piper didn’t tip at the lunch? What a cheap ass.

-Mooney is with Ted DiBiase and Virgil counting money. They’ve never teamed together and Ted is so over the top reiterating everything Virgil does for him. Virgil is great here, staring at DiBiase and quietly seething and flexing. There has been three years of build to this. That’s crazy and great.

-Common Man Boogie means the Rhodes Family enters. Look how cherubic Dustin is! DiBiase and Virgil, complete with wrist tape, enter. Even Virgil taking his tuxedo shit off is crazy to see. Even crazier: two of these four people have been seen on AEW Dynamite in the past year.

MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Dusty and Dustin Rhodes vs Ted DiBiase and Virgil

-The heels jump the faces at the bell, but the Rhodes run them into one another early and force a powder. Ted gives orders to Virgil and his purple and white tights.

-Dustin is impressive with a clothesline and dropkick to Virgil, who is also better at bumping around than I imagined. Ted reads him the riot act again and Piper is great at telling the story.

-Ted tags in and immediately starts taking Dustin down and taunting him. Roddy gets a good line about the Million Dollar Man wearing the same cheap tights all of the time.

-Dusty finally gets in and hits a series of elbows in the corner. Virgil saves Ted from a beatdown and a two count on two separate cases.

-Dustin misses a knee in the corner and oversells it as Virgil focuses on it. Dusty oversells for Dustin too, trying to come in all the time.

-Dustin is isolated and gets his knee slammed into the post over and over behind the ref’s back. Virgil accidentally clotheslines Ted down on a double team and Ted gets up and punches and slaps Virgil several times before throwing him to the floor.

-Dusty gets the hot tag, gets two shots in the corner, misses a third and catches an abrupt ending.

WINNERS: Ted DiBiase and Virgil in 9:57 when Ted DiBiase pins Dusty Rhodes with a roll up.

FINAL WORD: That was more of a story than a match, but it was a good story that continues as…

-Ted cuts his typically good promo in the ring and the crowd is already chanting for Virgil. He insists on being brought his title and Virgil’s eyes could burn a hole in the Earth. Piper is again very good telling his side and being a part of this. Virgil gets in and Ted’s level of asshole has brought him into the MVP talk. Virgil throws the belt down to a pop. Ted brings up Virgil’s mother. Piper is good as fuck here and so is Virgil. This is one of the best turns ever. Virgil gets on one knee to get the belt and Ted turns his back and yells his catchphrase before WHAM. Belt shot to the face and Virgil gets a standing ovation. His look to the crowd is amazing. He leaves to an even louder reaction.

-Mean Gene interviews Hulk Hogan backstage. He dedicates the Rumble to the boys in the Persian Gulf. He doesn’t care about the other 29 men in the match and can’t say “firepower” properly. Gene gets word in his earpiece and gets an unconfirmed report that Slaughter has defaced the American flag. Hulk says “no no no” and gets so flustered that he has no words at one point. It’s a botch, but it puts over the frustration and anger of the moment well. He namedrops “Sudan Hussein” and gets intense talking about temporary occupancy.

-It’s Rumble time! The Hart Foundation music means BRET HART is NUMBER 1 again. What lousy luck. As always, I’ll have a random, nonsensical fact for each participant. Bret Hart tried to learn baccarat once, but just couldn’t get it. DINO BRAVO is NUMBER 2 along with Jimmy Hart. His daughter won a spelling bee at the age of eight. Gorilla and Piper make fun of him being too cheap to buy a better number. He must not be in the cigarette trade yet.

MATCH NUMBER SIX: Royal Rumble Match

-Bret is impressive early and Gorilla claims neither guy can go the distance as Piper recaps DiBiase’s longevity record from the previous year.

-Dino looks very bloated. Piper talks conditioning being the word of the night.

-GREG VALENTINE is NUMBER 3 to mostly boos, but he hits Dino immediately and the crowd is behind him. Greg Valentine can make a really mean potato salad.

-Valentine eliminates Bravo at 3:07 and pushes Hart off the apron in revenge. Bret and Greg start battling.

-The time has been immaculate so far. PAUL ROMA is NUMBER 4 accompanied by Slick. Paul Roma tried to bag Jim Powers’ aunt in 1988.

-Good three-way action with everyone changing alliances back and forth. Roma and Greg start fighting and Bret gives a subtle hand motion to take a break.

-TEXAS TORNADO is NUMBER 5 and Gorilla hopes he can help? That makes no sense. Tornado carries a lucky 7Up bottle cap in his wallet.

-Bret misses a second rope elbow and Greg takes a face plant on a discus punch. Tornado avoids hitting Bret at one point.

-Piper calls a good Rumble. I’m glad he’s gotten decent at this because he sucked at first.

-RICK MARTEL is NUMBER 6 which makes Piper upset after being excited about who it was going to be. Martel was an early investor in pets.com.

-Valentine is taking a lot of delayed, Flair-style bumps.

-The Visionaries double team Bret, then Roma attacks Martel to a good pop.

-SABA SIMBA is NUMBER 7 to total confusion from the crowd and the announcers. Saba Simba is doing this to keep the lights on at home. Sometimes, you get real facts.

-Martel is playing DiBiase from last year well early on. I’m not sure if I can keep giving the Rumble Iron Man MVP, though.

-BUSHWHACKER BUTCH is NUMBER 8 and he whacks in to way too good of a pop. Butch never tips above 18%

-Rick Martel eliminates Saba Simba at 12:38 by countering a body slam. Atlas is way too stiff and jacker here. Ta-ta, Tony.

-Gorilla forgets that Simba was eliminated 30 seconds later. Yikes.

-JAKE ROBERTS is NUMBER 9 and Martel heads right for him. The crowd is hotttttt. Jake’s favorite ice cream flavor is Superman. It’s really cutre.

-Martel bails to the floor and Jake follows and gets cut off getting back in by Valentine. Martel taunts him on the apron and Jake bites him and tries to eliminate him, but Martel survives.

-HERCULES is NUMBER 10 and he immediately helps Roma. Hercules is banned from all Rooms 2 Go locations.

-Martel is in trouble for the 900th time again. He’s inching into the MVP race.

-TITO SANTANA is NUMBER 11 and Paul Roma is eliminated by Jake Roberts at 18:13 on a duck and dive. Tito Santana frequents the Poconos in his old age.

-There’s no real story behind Jake and Martel. The action is fine, but it’s a little long in the tooth.

-Tornado puts the claw on Jake who stomps and sells wonderfully. Bret has also been in trouble a lot.

-THE UNDERTAKER is NUMBER 12 with Brother Love. The mood changes on commentary and in the arena. He goes right after number one and Bret Hart is eliminated at 20:36 with a double handed choke throw. The Undertaker once knocked out Wayne Newton for fun.

-Bret gets a good ovation on his way out. I miss the crowd doing that for guys.

-JIMMY SNUKA is NUMBER 13 and the crowd makes his noise with him. Snuka was an avid bingo player.

-Butch is eliminated by Undertaker at 22:28. We get a great close up of Taker choking Tornado. Greg helps Tornado and their double team only gets Taker mildly woozy.

-BRITISH BULLDOG is NUMBER 14 and he makes a beeline for the ring to a good pop in his return. With his hair, it’s obvious that Bulldog is a cruise enthusiast.

-Greg and Martel are sweating so much that you’d think there’s no roof on the building in Miami.

-SMASH is NUMBER 15 and he’s looking a little chunky. Fuji doesn’t bother coming down with him. Smash stopped taking piano lessons at 13.

-Martel is on the apron again and Shane McMahon as a ref tries to get him back in the ring. Jake Roberts is eliminated at 27:12 by Rick Martel from the apron over the top. Let this simmer a little more.

-Fuji is at ringside. He must have taken a shortcut.

-HAWK is NUMBER 16. This just fits him. Hawk was addicted to Milky Ways at this point. He gets ganged up on, but survives and isolates Hercules.

-Tito punches Taker in the corner and takes a real atomic drop. If Jesse Ventura were here, he’d say something about his jalapenos hurting.

-SHANE DOUGLAS is NUMBER 17 as a few girls yell. There’s no Johnny Ace, so I’m yelling in excitement as well. Shane Douglas is allergic to cumin. Texas Tornado is eliminated at 30:26 by Undertaker and Jimmy Snuka is eliminated by Hawk at the same time. The camera barely catches either.

-Peach is a choice for your tights, Shane. The crowd is starting to really react every time Martel is almost out.

-NOBODY COMES OUT at NUMBER 18. It looks like someone tried to poke out, but no one ultimately does. Gorilla and Piper are confused, but Piper gets right back to the action. The crowd boos and Gorilla explains that someone must have got cold feet. They will deduce who it was with their list. You can’t do that these days.

-You’re not out until the timer for number 19 starts. That’s an interesting rule. This is the first time this has ever happened. ANIMAL is NUMBER 19 and he doesn’t help Hawk with Taker right away. Animal loves writing in wingdings code.

-Undertaker is eliminated by LOD at 34:46 with a double clothesline and Hawk is eliminated by Rick Martel and Hercules at 34:50 from behind. Taker’s elimination gets a good pop. It’s working. Taker stares Shane McMahon down on his exit and he dreams of wasting 45 minutes at WrestleMania decades later.

CRUSH is NUMBER 20 and I was having fun. He joins Smash to double team Bulldog while Tito still tries to get Martel out. Crush won’t stay at a Red Roof Inn because the pillows are too hard for him.

-Martel is spotlighted as modelling endurance again. It’s just not like Ted, though.

-JIM DUGGAN is NUMBER 21 and I hate the people for encouraging him. Piper says “go, Jimbo” and I miss their chemistry on Legends House. Jim Duggan can’t spell “legend.”

-Greg and Martel look like they were stunt doubles in a squirting video.

-EARTHQUAKE is NUMBER 22 alongside Jimmy Hart. The crowd feels it. Quake was a great repairman around the house. Animal gets some shots in, but Earthquake eliminates Animal at 40:52 with a shoulder dip.

-Everyone is so tired. MR. PERFECT is NUMBER 23 with Bobby Heenan. Mr. Perfect chews ice religiously. He takes his time and Piper puts over his smarts. Then, the dopest moment of all time happens: Perfect throws his towel behind his back and Heenan catches it behind HIS back.

-Duggan whips Perfect into the corner and he bounces out of it. Does he deserve MVP again? Jim Duggan is eliminated by Mr. Perfect at 43:03 with a shoulder dip. The IC Title is put over well by Piper. Piper is also good at remembering Tito and Hercules being in for over 25 minutes and setting the table well. Is he the MVP after being LVP two times prior?

-HULK HOGAN is NUMBER 24 and some fucking kid spoils it two seconds before he comes through the curtain. The crowd is insane for him. Everyone tries to get him. It doesn’t work because Smash is eliminated at 44:40 by Hogan. He turns his attention to Quake and the Hogan chants are loud. Hulk Hogan’s toenails are very crusty.

-HAKU is NUMBER 25 and Greg Valentine is eliminated at 46:21 by Hulk Hogan All that time and they almost missed the elimination. How underwhelming. Haku has blinked less times than anyone else on the planet.

-The crowd pops for Hogan picking Martel up and Valentine probably thought it was for him leaving. That’s sad. Gorilla and Piper debate the longevity record and claim they each deserve it if they make it to the end of the match.

-JIM NEIDHART is NUMBER 26 and he’s running for COCAINE! Someone throws a shirt at him and he’s unfazed. Jim Neidhart was the first person diagnosed with ADHD. Tito Santana is eliminated at 48:42 by Earthquake like it was nothing.

-Martel is still in trouble while three heels work on Hulk until Douglas helps.

-BUSHWHACKER LUKE is NUMBER 27. He just finished reading Moby Dick. He has plenty of time to read more because Earthquake eliminates Luke at 50:39 immediately. The crowd laughs and he keeps whacking on his way out. That’s never not funny.

-How has Hercules not passed out? Why are the faces running to help Hogan all the time?

-BRIAN KNOBBS is NUMBER 28 and he is running and sloppy as usual. He gets little response, but four guys beat him up when he gets in the ring. Brian Knobbs brushes his teeth with Cholula.

-The action in between entrances is slow. It’s still a good Rumble, but not many stories are being told. Hercules is eliminated by 53:56 by Brian Knobbs and the world keeps turning.

-THE WARLORD is NUMBER 29 and he looks like an unwrapped piece of meat. He was voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in a very dumb high school. Crush is eliminated by a Hulk Hogan backdrop at 54:53.

-The commentators give Douglas good props just from being in there so long. He’s done nothing important.

-The futility continues as Warlord is eliminated at 55:55 by a Hulk Hogan clothesline.

-TUGBOAT is NUMBER 30 and the commentators realize RANDY SAVAGE was NUMBER 18. They ultimately figure out the Warrior probably ran him out of the building. Tugboat has seen Neil Young live 6 times.

-Shane Douglas is eliminated at 56:44 by Brian Knobbs off-screen. Gorilla makes up an ovation he didn’t get.

-Tugboat is not very good.

-Funny spot as Perfect is chopped down by Hulk and Quake immediately steps on his chest.

-Tugboat tries to get Hulk out, but he survives. Tugboat is eliminated at 58:52 by Hulk Hogan. Soon after, Mr. Perfect is eliminated at 59:01 by British Bulldog crotching him on the top rope and dropkicking him out. Was that the original Mania plan?

-With some momentum, Jim Neidhart is eliminated by Rick Martel at 59:28. They are dropping like flies as Haku is backdropped out by British Bulldog at 59:43.

-We are down to the final five and the commentators put Martel over strong. He goes to the top and Bulldog shakes the ropes on him. Martel is crotched and Rick Martel is clotheslined out by British Bulldog at 60:36. It gets a great pop and the new record is announced. He was the only through line that mattered. Is it enough for MVP?

-A quick double team and British Bulldog is eliminated at 61:00 by Earthquake and Brian Knobbs. They move their double team to Hulk and it’s accented by a front splash as the heels celebrate. Some tremors before Quake hits his finish. Hulk sells for five seconds, then he gets up like nothing is wrong.

-Brian Knobbs is eliminated at 62:27 by a Hulk Hogan big boot. Some punches and blows take Quake to one knee. He hits Jimmy Hart on the apron. Hulk tries to slam Quake, but can’t. Quake is too damn good, man.

-Quake hits some elbow drops and a powerslam. Hogan hulks up again and Super Cena can eat your heart and ass out.

-YOU! Punches and big boot can’t knock Quake down. He finally slams Quake, who has so much sweat on his face that he cannot see. One clothesline from behind and…

WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 65:16 by last eliminating Earthquake

FINAL WORD: A fine Rumble that lacked a little something. The order so far would go 1990, 1989, 1991, 1988.

-Hulk asks for a sign that says “Hulk Rules” as he celebrates. He asks for another sign that asks for “Peace in the Middle East.” Gorilla calls him the greatest athlete in the world and I didn’t know Michael Jordan was on Saturn at the time. Hulk grabs a third sign that says “Saddam and Slaughter will Surrender” Hulk waves the flag as Piper says “God Bless America” and “Only in America.” I can’t make fund of this approaching five minutes because no one is leaving. Gorilla finally signs off.

THE LAST IMAGE: Hulk Hogan flexing and posing

THE WRAP UP

FINAL MVP of PPV: I tried not to do it, but the heel longevity angle in the Royal Rumble just works with the right guy and Rick Martel excelled at it. Without him, the Rumble would have been totally directionless and without any crowd reaction.

FINAL LVP of PPV: Everyone has a bad day at the office. Today was The Big Boss Man’s.

MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Rockers vs The Orient Express (seriously)

MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: The Mountie vs Koko B. Ware

FINAL THOUGHTS: As discussed at the beginning, this show is draped in current affairs and setting up the road to WrestleMania. It does that job well, but it lacks something. There’s only one good match, but the storytelling at hand stands out. This is as close to a push as I can think of. By the skin of its teeth, I’m going MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND because the in-ring couldn’t hold up its end of the bargain.

NEXT TIME: It’s the first official WCW PPV with WrestleWar. In 1991 in that company, the shitter is full.