We’re starting 1994 off right with an Undertaker/Paul Bearer promo. They’re out in the Undertaker’s creepy workshop making coffins and blacksmithing. This is probably how the Undertaker trains, just like Rocky 4. He turns to the camera and with a voice like a crypt being opened from the inside says “I’ve made my new year's resolution. Yokozuna...Rest. In. Peace.” Cue the bell tolling and the organ dirge.
I just spent an hour unsuccessfully trying to do this.
Joining Vince in the booth this week is none other than Johnny Polo, the manager of last week’s guest commentators the Quebecers. They’ve done a good job of making me like him more as a character. Honestly just getting him away from Adam Bomb did wonders. But having him get in the ring with Marty Jannetty last week was genius. It let him show off more of his personality and gave us a reason to care that he’s with the Quebecers.
The first match tonight is between Yokozuna and Dan Dubiel. Yokozuna has been conspicuously absent from Raw over the last few months. He’s really only been showing up to other people’s matches to lend a hand (and a butt) once the majority of the match has been finished. Yokozuna must be rusty because he for real basically just caves in Dan Dubiel’s chest with a Banzai Drop.
As God is my witness, he is broken in half!
After that we get a second vignette for Thurman “Sparky” Plugg. Naturally since he’s a NASCAR driver, it’s quick and right to the point. I already like this guy more than Jeff Jarrett.
We move on to a tag team match between the Smoking Gunns and Bam Bam Bigelow & Bastion Booger. I’m glad to see that they’re giving the Smoking Gunns a better caliber of opponents for once, even if one of them is just a potato sack filled with rotten hamburger meat. As always, Luna Vachon accompanies Bam Bam to the ring to provide moral support with her beautiful singing voice. As the match progresses, Bastion Booger gets beat up pretty good and takes a breather outside the ring while Bam Bam cleans up. Luna Vachon starts rubbing his back to try to get him back in the game. Booger, being mentally as well as physically repulsive, takes this as a sign of affection and keeps trying to hug and kiss Luna, who is obviously not having it. Meanwhile Bam Bam is absolutely destroying whichever Gunn is in the ring, but when he sees Bastion Booger being a total creepazoid to his lady, he blows his stack and bum rushes him. Unfortunately this leads to both men being counted out, giving the Smoking Gunns the win. This isn’t over though. Next week Bam Bam faces Bastion Booger one on one. Hopefully Bam Bam just destroys him and we never have to see Booger again.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?"
Next we get a recap of Johnny Polo’s match against Marty Jannetty from the week before. Johnny seems pretty pleased with himself even though he needed the help of the Quebecers to win. One person who’s not pleased though is Marty Jannetty who comes down to confront Johnny along with the 1-2-3 Kid. You may recall that these two have had previous altercations with Johnny Polo before and now it looks like he’s just digging his own grave again. The 1-2-3 Kid is in his ring gear, but Jannetty is wearing street clothes, including a Florida State Seminoles hat, and looks like he would start and win a bar fight. They call Johnny out for saying he could beat both of them single-handedly and bully him into a match against the Quebecers with the Tag Team Championship on the line. I love it.
"You wanna take this outside, little man?!"
Next week we’ll be celebrating the one year anniversary of Monday Night Raw and Vince tells us that we’ll have a very special guest announcer. Keeping the heel theme going, I hope it’s Jesse Ventura. That would be insane. If it’s Yokozuna I think I’d just stop watching.