I’m not even going to sugarcoat it, y’all: this episode is basically a huge stinker, and I’m not just talking about Bastion Booger. Let’s go through and figure out what went wrong.
The first match is the one bright spot in the show and it’s between Ted DiBiase and the “1-2-3” Kid. During the fight, the commentary team calls up Razor Ramon to get some insight. Rather than being antagonistic towards the Kid though, he actually seems to have made his peace with him. He compliments the Kid on doing moves that people have never seen before. He even tells us that he’s spoken to the Kid and was informed that he had a few surprises for DiBiase. Very interesting. Meanwhile, the Kid is basically just getting manhandled by the Million Dollar Man. Finally he manages to dodge an attack and starts to make a comeback. That is until IRS comes out of nowhere and wallops him. Before Money Inc. can beat him up too badly though, the Steiners come to his rescue and chase them off. This is a storyline that needs to continue evolving and being developed. Besides this one, there is not a single match this week with stakes or a story or a reason to care about them at all.
The next match is the Headshrinkers VS Mike Khoury & Dave Moraldo. I straight up hate the Headshrinkers. They’re just poorly developed caricatures. Next.
We move on to Marty Jannetty VS Bastion Booger. Poor Marty Jannetty. You break one guy’s neck and you never get to wrestle a real match ever again. As for Bastion Booger, I’m officially over him. He’s gross and weird and his outfit makes him seem like he’s naked.
Then we get a Money Inc. interview with Vince. I have no idea why they’re out here. Also I’m pretty tired of IRS’s gimmick. He addresses the crowd once again as “tax cheating morons”. What the heck is he talking about? The only people that cheat on their taxes are rich guys. One funny thing though is a dude with a sign in the background that reads “IRS: Isn’t Rotunda Stupid?” This guy has done his research.
Moving on is Men on a Mission in their 2nd match to date. Their opponents are Iron Mike Sharpe and Barry Horowitz, who both have the distinction of being jobbers that I actually like more than 90% of the main roster guys. MOM doesn’t do anything worth writing home about. I like their hype man Oscar though. He’s fun.
At this point we get our weekly Lex Luger pre-taped interview, this time he talks about “Drugs in Sports” and “Anabolic Steroids”. He makes sure to let us know that not only does he not take steroids, they’re nowhere to be found in the WWF at all. Hey Vince, methinks thou doth protest too much.
The last match of the night, before some sort of “surprise” that Randy Savage says he has in store for us, is between Bam Bam Bigelow and Rich Myers. This is the point where I realized I had just wasted 40 minutes of my life. And what ever happened to that Luna Vachon/Sensational Sherri feud? What a dud.
Just as I’m losing faith though, the Macho Man’s entrance music starts playing. “Holy crap! He’s coming out of retirement!” I think to myself before my hopes are crushed by the sight of the Macho Midget making his way to the ring accompanied inexplicably by 4 of the Raw ring girls. As they get to the ring...nothing happens. That’s it. That’s the surprise. That’s how the show ends. A little person and some ring girls wave goodbye.
Ugh. SummerSlam better be awesome.