What do you do when your favorite wrestler is a big prick? It’s a question I’ve been struggling with my entire life (particularly with the three biggest ones).
It started with Hulk Hogan. That wasn’t necessarily the case when I actually loved him as a child, but I’ve felt like I needed to look back at my entire fandom in a different light because of the plethora of awful things we know he’s said and done.
It’s still going on with CM Punk. His modern reputation is a little better in AEW, but he’s always been known as a surly asshole to fans, peers and the world at large. I will stick by him to the bitter end, but he doesn’t make it easy.
Sandwiched in the middle of those two is Shawn Michaels. My favorite when I really became a fan that knew what was going on, you could just see and sense that he was the dick of all dicks at any waking moment. Today’s show is an infamous example of that and it’s only getting worse.
So, I ask you again: what do you do when your favorite wrestler is a big prick? You sit back and enjoy.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 113- WWF SUMMERSLAM 1996
Written on 5/16/22
HOW WE START: I notice a TV-MA rating in the corner and I’m excited, but confused. Then, the monsters of Mankind and Vader are juxtaposed against the slayers of Undertaker and Shawn Michaels. These big word, serious movie-styled voiceovers are silly to a point, but effective in setting up the two main events. Mankind is really getting a big push here. We are in “beautiful, historic Cleveland.” PSSH!!! I grew up in the area and that’s hilarious. This is the PPV debut of the GUND ARENA. I wanted to go to this show so bad. Stridex is the sponsor and Vince McMahon welcomes us alongside Jim Ross and Mr. Perfect. It appears as though some fan wants an autograph and pisses Perfect off. The crowd is hot and loud until the first theme hits.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: Savio Vega vs Owen Hart
BEFORE THE BELL: Why is Savio out first and why is going against Owen Hart? Vince puts the building over as beautiful really hard. It wasn’t and isn’t. Our reference challenge today will be Akron/Cleveland things and I’m not going to limit myself to three or even point it out. It’s going to be a lot. Owen comes out and still has the cast. JR seems bored on commentary. This looks ancient. Why do the cameras seem to suck?
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Owen is warned about the use of the cast right away and it is the sole focus early on. Chants of “Owen” are met with a series of missed strikes by both men. A camera backstage shows Jim Cornette yelling at and prepping Vader.
-During every rest hold, Hart screams bloody murder and “MY ARM!” He’s our first MVP. Vince brings up Bret and Perfect is still sour over his loss at the same event in 1991.
-My buddy from elementary school, Danny Magazzini, is somewhere on the hard cam side. I remember because of something that’s coming up later. I’m looking for him instead of watching this pedestrian action.
-Clarence Mason walks down and looks on, but really just distracts the crowd. McMahon has no subtlety about the story of him possibly trying to overtake Camp Cornette. He’s our first LVP.
-This has plenty of kicks and strikes. Vega comes back while Owen loudly calls spots every step of the way. A top rope belly-to-back causes Savio’s head to collide with the cast. He takes the cast off and strikes Savio with it. The ref has to pretend to miss it and stumble back in an awful moment. Owen locks in his finish just for good measure.
HOW DOES IT END:
Owen Hart wins in 13:23 with the Sharpshooter
FINAL WORD: That was a TV match on PPV for no reason.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Clarence celebrates with Owen and they replay the bad cast spot. Then, it’s the random PPV debut of Justin Hawk Bradshaw. He yells at Vince about Savio being Puerto Rican and blindsides him on the way up the aisle. In the boiler room, Todd Pettengill talks about how freaky it is before running into Mankind. He shouts “there’s no place like home” and licks some pipes without explanation. This is a psychopathic MVP promo.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: TAG TITLE FOUR TEAM ELIMINATION MATCH- The New Rockers vs The Bodydonnas vs The Godwinns w/Hillbilly Jim vs The Smokin Gunns w/Sunny (Champs)
BEFORE THE BELL: The New Rockers are obnoxious heels. Look at Al Snow as Leif Cassidy trying to fucking get over and giving it his all. Apparently, partners can go against one another? Skip and Zip enter to silence, the former wearing a neck brace from an injury at MSG last weekend. The Godwinns bring out a dog and some squealing pigs. The champs enter and all anybody wants to see is Sunny. She is ON FIRE. Billy is fired up in the camera. The Bikini Blast Off from the Free for All is mentioned, but no highlights are sadly shown.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Billy and Henry start while the crowd chants for Sunny. This is tag team wrestling! Billy takes a reverse powerbomb and has a funny sell out of the ring to tag Zip. Phineas comes in, spits in the air and rubs his hands together. Gross.
-After a crisscross, Zip and PIG tag both Gunns in and Fargo strut away. Huh? They have to make contact with one another is what we’re told. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The ref just allows a tag to Zip. More stupid.
-Billy is working his ass off. The Rockers make a trip and The Bodydonnas are eliminated at 4:00 when Zip is pinned by Billy. In other words, Skip is shoot hurt. JR is full of jokes tonight and Vince forces laughter. Leif acts like a goof and Marty does the same, but with less movement.
-Some heel miscommunication leads to Godwinns taking all four down. The Rockers are eliminated at 7:19 when Hank pins Marty with a Slop Drop. Sunny teases them losing.
-A DQ or countout will cause the titles to change at this stage. I guess that makes sense. HOG lets out an audible “shit” after getting hit by Bart. I was about to make the future Mr. Ass an MVP, but he yells at Henry “come on, you big sissy!” That’s a bitchcake insult. Still got him!
-Phineas gets the hot tag and does a fucking awful mule kick taunt during his offense. He hits the Slop Drop, but a distraction from Sunny causes Bart to make the save.
HOW DOES IT END:
The Smokin Gunns retain in 12:18 when Billy Gunn pins Phineas Godwinn after Bart Gunn hits a top rope fist drop
FINAL WORD: That was the dregs of tag team wrestling and 1996 gimmicks.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Sunny gets some mic time after an upskirt moment. The camera meanly cuts to a rough looking woman when Sunny calls the crowd ugly. A big poster of her descends from above and this is how I knew my buddy was on the hard cam because he complained that he couldn’t see.
Vince talks over the P.A. about the weekend events in Cleveland. I hope they went to Skyway or Swenson’s. Nope, it’s just some stupid race between the Godwinns and the Gunns over what the fastest way to the Gund is. Why is this after their match? This is a total waste of time. Jerry Lawler attends batting practice at Jacobs Field. Sandy Alomar Jr! Charles Nagy! This is my childhood! He wants to learn the spitball. Stars help paint graffiti in Cleveland AKA half of the city. Mark Henry’s PPV debut is lifting a kid to paint. Pettengill is doing voiceover all of this in real time. A funeral was given away?!?! What is this madness? MORE of the Godwinns signing autographs and then we wrap up with Cleveland mayor Mike White (who my grandmother hated) making a proclamation.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: British Bulldog vs Sycho Sid
BEFORE THE BELL: Bulldog is out on his lonesome. Dok Hendrix interviews Sid about the fan support he’s received and how it helps him. “THE MAN IS HERE TO STAY!!!” and laughing like a lunatic puts him on a level unseen at the moment. He enters to a big reaction and repeats “the man is here!” Sid walked so Becky Lynch could run.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Clothesline, body slam, bail, Sid taunt. It’s that easy sometimes. There’s almost as many Sid chants as fried chicken joints in Akron. Hopocan’s is my favorite, but Belgrade’s is also great.
-Sid is white Ahmed Johnson with his coordination and impact. Davey hits a great delayed vertical suplex. Mason comes back out and Cornette is still shown backstage with Vader. At least he’s watching the match on a monitor. The commentators are all over the place making references to Cleveland celebrities and disorganized comments in general.
-Nice draping over the ropes by Smith and Sid comes back briefly before eating a running powerslam. Cornette comes down and yells at Clarence, distracting Bulldog stupidly. He tries another finisher and gets chokeslammed instead. You know what’s next…
HOW DOES IT END:
Sycho Sid wins in 6:24 with a powerbomb
FINAL WORD: That was more about the manager drama than the match (which was decent and rightfully short). I’m shaking my head.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Another In Your House alien commercial airs, this time with girls watching with the group. How lame.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Goldust w/Marlena vs Marc Mero w/Sable
BEFORE THE BELL: That little splatter of gold dust near the entrance is embarrassing. Sable is the focus and Todd interviews her and Marc Mero. A clip from Superstars of Mankind creeping out Sable and calling her mommy is shown. The Wildman cuts another short, bad promo and enters without much reaction. He has a sparkly new robe. Perfect lays the groundwork for his pairing with Mero with some quick comments.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Typical Goldust taunting/breathing/slapping before some arm drags by Mero. Goldust looks really off- his hair is longer, his paint is weird and he’s heavier. Meanwhile, thanks for making me hate where I came from all over again, Cleveland, with that f-word chant.
-Ahmed’s injury is discussed. It’s scary kidney stuff and blamed on Faarooq. Everything LVP Goldust does seems to take extra effort and ends up sloppy.
-Mankind comes down (how many matches are going to have distractions?!?!) and scares Sable. Officials force him to the back as she cries and screams. She looks like a Stan Hywet debutante.
-The crowd is very restless during some listless action. Mero’s comeback gets little cheers and an ugly tumble to the outside preludes a rough somersault dive.
-Mero debuts the Wild Thing AKA Shooting Star Press. JR calls it by both names. Marlena provides a distraction, so Goldust kicks out. Way to get that new move over. This finally wraps up with a struggle to pull off the other finisher that’s rarely seen.
HOW DOES IT END:
Goldust wins in 11:01 with the Curtain Call
FINAL WORD: This show has less momentum that the Goodyear rubber plants in the 1980s.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Goldust feels himself up, crawls, licks and creeps out a badly acting Sable. Mero sloppily gets up and saves her with a crotching and dropkick. This is weirdly transitioned into Ahmed in a red robe convalescing in front of his Slammy and Kuwati Cup and talking about pain. The Faarooq attack and gritty battle royal win are shown, but his kidney was ruptured and the IC Title has been vacated. He calls it the people’s title and understands the decision while talking to a young Kevin Kelly. His nurse says he could be back in 3-4 months, but a kidney replacement will end his career. Ahmed struggles with finishing his words so much. The final four from the battle royal (Sid, Goldust, Savio and Stone Cold) will battle in a sudden death battle royal to earn the WWF Title shot Ahmed had to forfeit.
Back live, Todd is in the ring and introduces Faarooq and Sunny. There’s big gladiator music because Faarooq has a big, stupid gladiator look. Sunny is in an evening gown. They’re angry Gorilla Monsoon isn’t giving him the title and ordered a tournament. His last name is still Asad and he says “Sunny days” for the first time. Calling him her “special little modern-day gladiator” doesn’t help matters. What Sunny wants, Sunny gets and we are killing a bunch of time.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Jerry Lawler vs Jake Roberts
BEFORE THE BELL: There’s plenty of footage of Jake discussing his struggles cut with Lawler making fun of them. This has hokey hillbilly music to it and it’s not appropriate. Fink introduces the fresh-faced Olympian, Mark Henry. He’s got an all-white Kangol outfit. Boy, I’m exhausted. He gets much fanfare with fireworks and USA music. He doesn’t know how to pull his headset down to speak at the commentary table. Jerry enters with a big snake bag and unveils a Ravens jersey and pennant. This is right after the Browns were stolen. The commentators talk over his promo and he gets a ton of local, cheap heat. He makes Mark laugh and claims Jake’s partners tonight will be Jim Beam and Jack Daniels. After some more drunk jokes and ribbing for Henry winning no medals, Jake finally ends the time killing. He admittedly looks rough. Harvey Wippleman is the ref and prevents Roberts from pouncing. There’s MORE mic time and King offers an oversized bottle of alcohol. Jake says “fuck it” and unleashes the white snake all over Lawler, wrapping it around his neck and getting pretty reckless with it. Jerry runs away and the snake is put away. Henry is an LVP presence in the booth. Just like his AEW career.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-The bell rings and Lawler immediately tries to get back on the stick to offer drinks, but the audio doesn’t work. Jake finally gets his hands on Jerry and hits a low blow and a throw into the ring post.
-A soda is thrown into Jake’s face and Mark is concerned about the fan not having a drink now. He also laughs at Perfect’s heel jokes. Talk about fucking ROUGH. Speaking of which, a backdrop is poorly used to block the DDT and a short arm clothesline is poorly used to block an alcohol gag.
-The ref is used as a shield to avoid the DDT and then isn’t it great that the heel wins after all of this?
HOW DOES IT END:
Jerry Lawler wins in 4:08 with a bottle jab to the throat
FINAL WORD: Harvey Wippleman sucks as a ref. Almost as much as this story and the match itself.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: Lawler pours alcohol down Jake’s throat and face. It was famously real booze. Henry mutters and finally does something about it, stopping the attack and helping Jake to the back. BOB BACKLUND is campaigning in the crowd and the camera basically misses him the entire time.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: BOILER ROOM BRAWL- Mankind vs The Undertaker
BEFORE THE BELL: More bad music accompanies the recap video before the brawl. It’s jazzy piano trying to be ominous. The tone is set well because of the feud. GONG and it’s just Paul Bearer entering with the urn. That’s what you need to hold to win. TV screens are set up at ringside for the audience to watch. Is there no Jumbotron? I feel bad for the people up high.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-Undertaker slowly walks down the hall and enters the room. This is a first of its kind cinematic match (along with the Backlot Brawl). It’s lit like shit, but works. He looks around for a couple of minutes before getting caught from behind with a pipe to the back.
-The UNPROTECTED shots to the head have begun. Taker suffers one from a wooden stick and Mankind takes four between a trash can lid and pipe. Boy, I’m going to need to start a tally. Foley squeals as he sells and takes another one, so I have to reinforce his MVP status.
-There’s not much commentary on this and it works. Sometimes, you hear some reaction noises. There are transmission difficulties added in to help the mood. A wheel gets turned and smoke is sprayed into Taker’s face.
-Pallets are thrown at Mankind. A PVC tub is driven into Taker’s dick. So many metal things are falling. The crowd is catcalling or getting rowdy as Mankind climbs a ladder and drops an elbow. Things get slower and messier and more snow makes the crowd boo. This was prerecorded, so why do this and actively piss people off?
-We’re back and Mankind climbs a bigger ladder only to be pulled down and landing into a pile of boxes and shit. That’s hopefully the dumbest thing he does. Right as I say that, he’s pushed backwards through a box and some light tubes or glass. GCW GCW GCW!!!
-Both men try to leave and stop one another. Foley takes extinguisher smoke to the face, but still gets out first and slams the door on Taker. He makes a barricade and all of the noises. The barricade doesn’t stop Taker and the lower card yells at them. Mark Henry standing and watching like he has no idea what he’s gotten himself into. Stone Cold is caught yelling as well.
-Mankind throws a big thing of coffee at Taker and makes it through the entrance, but gets clotheslined right away. They stumble up the aisle. Those ringside TVs suck. The one in the way is disposed of as Mick makes way for a short piledriver on the exposed floor. Of course, he ends up taking a bump off the apron onto the exposed floor himself.
-The Dead Man gets in the ring; the place goes nuts and he poses to ask for the urn. Paul doesn’t hand it to him and Mankind enters to apply the Mandible Claw. Bearer is shown laughing. The crowd is very confused and angry. There’s a hope spot with a sit up, but it doesn’t matter. The former manager slaps his charge and hits him over the head UNPROTECTED with the urn.
HOW DOES IT END:
Mankind wins in 27:08
FINAL WORD: That was wild, groundbreaking and historic. What a righteous mess.
THE STUFF IN-BETWEEN: The commentators do a great job of putting the heel turn over. Bearer makes faces and crazy statements. There’s another GONG and the lights go out so druids can come down and carry Taker out. Everyone is stunned because this takes forever.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: WWF TITLE MATCH- Vader w/Jim Cornette vs Shawn Michaels w/Jose Lothario (Champ)
BEFORE THE BELL: Dok interviews Vader and Corny backstage with a hard sell before the main event. There’s a random Peter Frampton reference in there, so Jim isn’t at his best. It’s VADER TIME and garbage gets thrown at him. He retaliates by throwing the steel steps. HBK enters and some girl jumps the barricade to hug and kiss him without incident. Different times! She looks like a PTA president at Firestone Park Elementary. Man, there are a lot of girls in the crowd shrieking. This is a dream match and won’t turn out like one.
WHAT STANDS OUT
-There’s some early pummeling and Shawn answers with a trip, kicks and grounding dropkick. He hits a baseball slide and an epic dive that is reshown to this day. I thought that was later in the match. Vader seems a little behind on some stuff.
-JR is effortless calling hurricanranas already. Vince calls it a Frankensteiner soon after when HBK tries it on the floor, but gets powerbombed instead. He was extra safe with thast. He’s terrified of getting into trouble.
-The champ is meticulously beaten and does his big corner bumps. Vader is finally his old self with one hell of a clothesline and a headscissors counter into a pancake.
-Michaels counters Vader with a low blow and then it’s the aforementioned infamous elbow drop botch. It’s followed by two stiff kicks to the head and an exaggerated “MOVE!” He’s such a douche. I love him.
-A cross body over the top rope and a press slam onto the guardrail leads to a countout victory for Vader at 13:50. The people start booing and some leave. Cornette doesn’t want to win that way and goads the champ back to continue. Shawn is a dick to Pat Patterson and Jose coming back. There’s a distraction at ringside and Cornette delivers a racket shot to the back.
-HBK shows great speed on a rally and hits the elbow this time. The band is tuned, but his leg is grabbed by Corny. Shawn uses the racket and gets DQ’ed at 17:55. He beats the tar out of both of them, including two UNPROTECTED shots to Vader’s head. There’s a standoff with officials in between and Cornette wants it restarted again. Gorilla makes it happen quickly.
-A second elbow lands and Sweet Chin Music connects. Vader botches the kickout, but the ref covers for it and the crowd believes it. There’s a ref bump (overbooked much?) and Vader lands a powerbomb for a visual three count. Another ref runs down, but it’s only a two count now.
-The Vader Bomb is set up, but Cornette wants the moonsault. Shawn moves and hits his own.
HOW DOES IT END:
Shawn Michaels retains in 22:19 with a top rope standing moonsault
FINAL WORD: That was good and it should have been great. I blame hubris in Shawn, lack of confidence in Vader and the overall booking.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE: Perfect can’t handle it and leaves. Officials come back down to keep Cornette at bay/force Vader to the back. Perfect didn’t leave and complains some more. There’s a brief celebration and Vince signs off.
THE LAST IMAGE: Shawn Michaels
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: I feel like Mankind was the one guy on this show who really gave it his all. His character work was insane, his mic work was top of class and he still had that legendary disregard for his body.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Goldust is totally boring, looks out of shape and seems uncoordinated. I can forget his name now.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Mankind vs The Undertaker
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Jerry Lawler vs Jake Roberts
FINAL THOUGHTS: Did I just watch the worst SummerSlam of all time? Besides the Boiler Room Brawl, this show was frustratingly behind the times for most of the time, but even more frustratingly ahead of the time with bad concepts, offensive angles and repetitive ideas and booking. The in-ring performances lacked an energy from most of the wrestlers. This is the Cleveland of PPVs. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: There’s too many wars going on, but what’s one more? The nWo battles WCW in War Games at Fall Brawl 1996.