I am not sure what kind of wrestling fan I would have been in the times before my birth. Growing up, I was never a WCW guy or a WWF guy; I loved them both. In the early and mid-80s, however, it really felt like two completely different products that had distinct audiences. After watching two shows from each in this project so far, I honestly don't have an answer yet. I have recommended one show from each company and not recommended one from each company.
I think this show breaks the tie. I say "think" because my head still hurts after watching it.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER FIVE-STARRCADE 1985: THE GATHERING
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: After the WWE Network's TV-MA warning (now I'm excited!!!), there is an inset of the arena, pyro and A DISCO BALL. Bob Caudle and Tony Schiavone announce the opening of the show from ringside and I already miss Gordon Solie.
-Getting the jump on Vince the following yet, this show is broadcasted from 2 different locations. Caudle and Schiavone at the Omni send it over to Johnny Weaver in Greensboro. Weaver isn't as bad on camera as Lord Alfred Hayes, but he isn't good either. They go back and forth from the Omni and Greensboro just to see if the technology is going to work properly. Also going back and forth: Weaver's eyes looking at a script or something.
-Tom Miller announces the first National Anthem to actually occur at the beginning of a Starrcade. Every person shown on camera ditches being respectful during the anthem and goes crazy seeing themselves on the big screen.
-That same freaking rock song from previous NWA shows is played, which means the wrestlers for our first match are already in the ring.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: VACANT MID-ATLANTIC TITLE MATCH- Krusher Khruschev vs Sam Houston
-There is a big pop for Sam Houston and big heat on Krusher. That is an encouraging start.
-The referee is dressed like he owns Curious George.
-The beginning of this match features really odd stretches of missing commentary.
-I can tell these two have little chemistry just from their back and forth strikes.
-Every 20 seconds, there is a little bit of action followed by 40 seconds of nothing.
-This is just for Swoggle Squad member Rich when he reads this: Cowboy boots.
-Stone Cold would tell Houston to tighten that headscissors up.
-The crowd is into this despite the awkward stretches. Thankfully, they can't hear the awkward absence of Caudle and Schiavone.
-Krusher REALLY elevates Houston with a back body drop lift onto his stomach and follows that with a military press drop again onto Houston's stomach. Instead of Smash, Barry Darsow should have been called the Flattener.
-Krusher applies a bearhug and the referee stands there like he is waiting in line at the DMV, not checking on Houston's well-being.
-Houston's comeback includes his patented bulldog, but Krusher gets his foot on the rope. Houston celebrates and I know that Dusty Rhodes booked this show already.
WINNER: Krusher Khruschev in 9:29 to win the title after a Russian Sickle and the referee doesn't see Houston's foot on the bottom rope.
FINAL WORD: The crowd was the workhorse in this match. Oh yeah, that finish was crap, too.
-A title card promotes the next match in the second arena. Abdullah the Butcher enters with Paul Jones and he tries to kill someone in the crowd like Sabu. Abby then trips walking, so he botches like Sabu as well. Dubbed music with a Southern twang plays and the Ragin Bull is back with a sombrero that has probably depreciated since last time. I think Abdullah is already bleeding somehow.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: MEXICAN DEATH MATCH- Abdullah the Butcher w/Paul Jones vs "The Ragin Bull" Manny Fernandez
-Naturally, the only way to win a Mexican Death Match is to climb a pole in the ring and capture the sombrero.
-Abby jumps Manny before the ball and start hitting him with a stick. Manny is bleeding less than 20 seconds into the match.
-Caudle accidentally adds 100 pounds to Abby, who just hit Manny with a hammer. Manny is sporting a real gusher. I get TV-MA now.
-Manny hits the worst monkey flip ever on Abby.
-Hey, Rich! Cowboy boots! This time: Manny uses one to make Abby shiver and shake. These guys are selling like they’ve been wrestling for 30 minutes after 3 minutes.
-Abby takes the ugliest second rope bump ever. Scratch that. Everything about Abby is the ugliest.
-Manny Fernandez’s cowboy boot is the MVP of the PPV so far.
-What a random hulk up by Abby. He starts doing weird ninja shit, then headbutts Manny, prompting the disease from Rise of the Planet of the Apes to start spreading.
-Manny delivers a nice suplex to Abby. I’m starting to feel sad for Manny’s dirty socks getting all this blood from the mat all over them.
-Abby stabs Manny IN THE DICK WITH A FOREIGN OBJECT.
-These two are so bloody, it is making The Walking Dead look like Gula Gula Island.
-I’m glad Manny also has a Flying Burrito. Tito Santana couldn’t be the only one. I’m also glad this is over.
WINNER: Manny Fernandez in 9:08 after Abdullah slams into the ring post and Manny retrieves the sombrero from the pole.
FINAL WORD: The sentence above describing the winner sounds like a Russo finish. It wasn’t that bad, but it wasn’t pretty.
-Johnny Weaver is backstage with Krusher Khruschev. For some reason, Barry Darsow sounds and looks like Buzz from Home Alone or Jeff Hart from $5 Wrestling to Me. It might just be his promo ability that is doing it. He says the word “American” 954 times.
-Another gimmick match?!?! This is WCW 2000!!!
-Ron Bass is a face now? The NWA would have found a way to turn Donald Sterling babyface. Nice tuxedo t-shirt on JJ Dillon, though.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: TEXAS BULLROPE MATCH- Ron Bass vs Black Bart w/JJ Dillon; if Bass wins, he gets a 5 minute Bullrope Match with Dillon
-Ron Bass looks like Josh Brolin.
-The first cowbell shot to Black Bart doesn’t open him up. I’m shocked.
-The third cowbell shot to Black Bart opens him up. Good grief. They were dependent on pills, booze AND juicing.
-All this blood could have been put to good use. Instead, it is being used to try and get Ron Bass over.
-Go figure. Bart takes control and Bass is now bleeding. There has to be more stitches backstage than a Raggedy Ann factory. Meanwhile, the crowd is bored.
-Just watching this has caused me to bleed uncontrollably.
-Caudle and Schiavone aren’t even mentioning the blood or cuts at all.
-Can you tell this match is boring when all I can talk about is the blood loss in the match?
-Bass gives Bart rope burn on his open wound. That is just sick.
-My apologies for taking too long to notice this: THERE HAVE BEEN 4 PAIRS OF COWBOY BOOTS WORE ON THIS SHOW ALREADY.
-Oh, THESE are the Long Riders from the WrestleRock Rumble?
-Anita Ward loves this match. #70sJokes.
-This show is going to have some catching up to do.
WINNER: Ron Bass in 8:32 after a cowbell shot from the second rope.
FINAL WORD: At least we get TWO Texas Bullrope Matches for the price of one, right?
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: TEXAS BULLROPE MATCH: Ron Bass vs JJ Dillon w/Black Bart
-JJ FUCKING DILLON (trademarked by Mick Foley) IS EVEN WEARING COWBOY BOOTS. I’m going to reiterate that cowboy boots are the current MVP of the PPV.
-Dillon got the match off to a decent start, jumping a bloody Bass before Bass battles back and no sells being choked by the bullrope.
-One bell shot naturally means JJ is busted open now. The current total 4 matches into this show: 5 pairs of cowboy boots and 5 wrestlers bleeding. This could come down to the wire.
-JJ has the perfect breathing technique to heavily bleed.
-Don’t watch this show, Rich!!!!
WINNER: JJ Dillon in 2:59 after Black Bart piledrives Bass with the referee knocked down.
FINAL WORD: The crowd energy was totally sucked out by that ending. Let’s just blame it on the ending, okay?
-YAY!!! Arm wrestling!!!! My favorite song leads in a young ass Barbarian with Paul Jones. Following him is loud, tye-dyed Billy Graham. I’m glad he left the karate stuff at home. He flexes a bunch, but still seems sad to me.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: ARM WRESTLING MATCH FOR $10,000- The Barbarian w/Paul Jones vs Billy Graham
-These two are wrestling each other after this?!?!
-Billy Graham looks exactly like he will for the rest of his life right here.
-There are no holders on each end of the table and Jones rightfully complains about the rickety conditions. The chairs appear to be stolen from an elementary school. The Barbarian’s right hand is in a cast. WOOO!! ARM WRESTLING!!!
-Faking arm wrestling appears to be the easiest thing to do ever.
-Graham looks like he is about to bite one off any second.
WINNER: Billy Graham in 1:34
FINAL WORD: Screw you. This isn’t over. Keep reading.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: Billy Graham vs The Barbarian w/Paul Jones
-Billy Graham starts at a disadvantage because Jones struck him immediately after the arm wrestling match with his cane. I would have ignored that if not for the fact that SUPERSTAR BILLY GRAHAM IS NOW BLEEDING FROM THAT CANE SHOT.
-The Barbarian is biting the wound. I’m shocked that the arm wrestling match didn’t feature any gigging.
-The only offensive move that Graham appears to be capable of doing is a hug. Meanwhile, The Barbarian was still rocking that top rope headbutt in 1985.
-I think we can officially call “Superstar” Billy Graham an overrated pile of crap…and the current LVP of the PPV.
WINNER: Billy Graham in 3:00 by DQ after Paul Jones hits Graham with his cane in the middle of a bearhug.
-After Graham finally gets a shot in on Jones, the Barbarian takes Graham outside and beats him down with a chair. The referee just hugs Graham to prevent a further beating. That causes the Barbarian to back off and Graham starts to celebrate like nothing happened.
FINAL WORD: Fuck “Superstar” Billy Graham.
-No beating around the bush as we shoot over to the other arena and I find out that “Nature Boy” Buddy Landell was trying this shit even back then. Ric Flair is on this show!!!
-I cock-a-doodle-do want to see what Terry Taylor can do.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: NATIONAL TITLE MATCH: Terry Taylor (Champion) vs Buddy Landell
-What the balls is the National Title?
-Buddy Landell does look like Ric Flair…in Dallas Buyers Club.
-Landell even does Flair’s hair psyche and strut afterwards. What an uncreative dick. Thankfully, Taylor slaps the SHIT out of him.
-Landell’s chops are pretty good. Then again, so were Sherri Lewis’.
-If Billy Graham wasn’t so crappy, Buddy Landell would be the LVP of the PPV right now. Instead, that is typed in non-bold font.
-JJ Dillon arrives at ringside, head bandaged and cheering on his charge, Landell. So…Landell even stole Flair’s manager?
-I’ve been disappointed in Terry Taylor thus far. Some of his stuff looks really weird.
-Landell slaps on a Camel Clutch. Don’t worry, Taylor would be humbled plenty four years later.
-Taylor stand on Landell’s face with his full weight for a good, full second. That would suck.
-The referee in yellow is a bump machine! He just did it twice in 15 seconds.
-JJ’s interference backfires. It looks like Taylor’s finisher is a superplex. About that backfire…
WINNER: Buddy Landell in 10:29 to win the title after JJ Dillon trips Terry Taylor mid-superplex and Landell falls on Taylor.
FINAL WORD: I’m begging for a strong heel victory. This was the best match so far and I couldn’t care less about it.
-I must compliment the pacing of this show compared to other Starrcades. The back and forth between arenas has been seamless. It’s probably just a WWE Network fix.
-The Andersons enter to that same heel song. Crappy synth music leads out Wahoo McDaniel and crazy ass Billy Jack Haynes. Why do both teams have title belts?
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: NATIONAL TAG TITLES- The Minnesota Stretching Crew (Champions) vs Wahoo McDaniel and Billy Jack Haynes
-Apparently, Wahoo and Haynes are the U.S. Tag Champions. I think Caudle and Schiavone are even tag champions in some form.
-No one is crazier than Billy Jack Haynes. No one loved Oregon more than Billy Jack Haynes. No one was on more steroids than Billy Jack Haynes.
-I wish I knew why Wahoo is a face again. This once-a-year PPV stuff hurts knowing the whole story.
-Upon getting tagged in, Wahoo shows more effort than his previous two Starrcades.
-It is cute of Arn Anderson to try and have some hair here.
-Tedious submission work by the Andersons on Wahoo.
-I’m really glad each match is getting a decent amount of time. Something can stand out at any time, though.
-A donnybrook develops. The ref’s attention is continually diverted by stupid ass Haynes. If I write a line like that, you know what the next line is.
WINNERS: Arn Anderson pins Wahoo McDaniel in 8:19 after Ole trips Wahoo and holds his leg for the pin.
FINAL WORD: This is the biggest show for the NWA and 50% of the finishes have been screwy heel victories.
-Johnny Weaver announces an intermission, but I get no such luck. We immediately cut to Weaver with JJ and Landell. JJ blabbers while Landell preens, flexes and does every stupid douche movement and motion ever. Landell’s promo was actually good. I feel bad for crapping on him now. He concludes his promo by quoting Ric Flair and I don’t feel bad anymore.
-Finally, a different rock song plays that is actually badass and it means Tully Blanchard is on his way out amidst smoke. Baby Doll accompanies him and Magnum T.A. is already in the ring wearing COWBOY BOOTS PAIR NUMBER SIX.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: US TITLE STEEL CAGE I QUIT MATCH- Tully Blanchard (Champion) w/Baby Doll vs Magnum T.A.
-Magnum T.A. is announced as “vastly popular” and Baby Doll is “the Perfect 10”. Were we working on a scale of 50?
-I just remembered that this show does feature commentary. It is so unimportant. Gordon Solie is missed.
-This match has essentially been a slugfest thus far, but it has been passionate and believable.
-Magnum is the first one to taste the cage. Don’t worry. He’s bleeding. Don’t alert the authorities.
-The microphone might be Bob Barker’s because it is on one long ass cord. It doesn’t work at first, but Hebner blows into and manages to fix it.
-Magnum opens a big, gross gash into Tully’s shoulder. Blade jobs now up two on cowboy boots.
-It looks like Magnum is yelling “come on!” while he forces his dick into Tully’s face.
-Baby Doll’s shrieks aren’t as excruciating as Melina’s.
-BLEEP! I think it was “Oh, shit!” It has been so back and forth physically that I don’t know who it was.
-Tully hits Magnum with the microphone. There are no clever quips here. It’s just loud grunts and NOs that deafen the crowd.
-There aren’t many holds or moves, but it strangely works well. The yells of pain tell a strong story.
-Magnum really like to subtlety pretend the microphone is his penis.
-The crowd sounds very uneasy about the violence that is going on.
-God, all of the clawing and scratching and digging in this match. It looks like a dinner at the Hart house.
-Tully throws Hebner down and somebody throws a wooden chair into the cage. Tully shatters the chair on purpose and tries to drive a stake through Magnum’s head. The crowd is going apeshit.
-Had this been the first time anyone bled all night, this match would be absolutely revolutionary.
-Magnum grabs hold of the stake. Those screams! I am not going to be able to sleep tonight.
WINNER: Magnum T.A. in 14:44 to win the title after Tully yells “YES” into the microphone while Magnum stakes his eye.
-Post match, Tully earns the MVP of the PPV crown, selling death and agony. What a performance.
FINAL WORD: On par with the Piper/Valentine Dog Collar Match, this felt real. Try this on for size every once and awhile, CZW.
-Jim Cornette’s voice (that I wish introduces me one day) speaks over a dubbed theme for the Midnight Express. That is a damn travesty. All three men are in tuxedos. Crappy piano music leads in that damn Jimmy Valiant and Ron Garvin in drag as Miss Atlanta Lively. You can’t make that up.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: ATLANTA STREET FIGHT- The Midnight Express w/Jim Cornette vs Miss Atlanta Lively and Jimmy Valiant w/Big Momma
-Sadly, Big Momma isn’t Martin Lawrence.
-Lively squirts powder into Eaton’s face. Ron Garvin in drag looks like every PTA member in the year 1994.
-WHY IS DENNIS CONDREY BLEEDING ALREADY?!?!?! I just saw him for the first time and he is cut. BOBBY EATON IS, TOO!!! Sneezing is causing blood loss.
-I cannot reiterate enough how little has happened and the Midnight Express are both bleeding buckets.
-Eaton takes a big, stupid bump on the hard floor to try and make Valiant look decent.
-Garvin hasn’t bumped once, he keeps holding onto a purse and I would make him the LVP so far if it weren’t for the fact that he is wrestling in mini-heels.
-The Midnight Express pants Lively and Valiant, WHO IS NOW BLEEDING, saves the day. Meanwhile, the announcers are trying to keep kayfabe and treat Lively like a real woman.
-Cornette destroys Garvin with a tennis racket to the head. That is the only thing that has made sense in this mess. The Midnight Express is trying, but this is a clusterfuck of WrestleMania 1 main event proportions.
-Big Momma was just some whore one of the boys was banging, right?
-The ring looks like the toy room of a four-year-old.
WINNERS: Lively pins Eaton in 6:37 after an uppercut while Eaton flies off the top rope.
-The babyfaces undress Cornette after the match and he has hearts on his boxers.
-I didn’t notice that Garvin was BUSTED HARDWAY until the match ended. Maybe it was just that time of the month for Miss Atlanta Lively.
FINAL WORD: Seek this match out just to witness the most scatterbrained, poorly shot and embarrassing waste of time possibly ever. I feel so bad for Bobby Eaton.
-Weaver interviews Magnum T.A., who still looks pissed. He puts the US Title over even more than his match did earlier. What a good, charismatic promo. It is a shame he had to turn his car into a Rubik’s Cube.
-The Soviet anthem plays and red lights hit as the Koloffs enter with Krusher. The Rock N Roll Express enter, accompanied by Don Kernodle. Their ridiculous T-shirt with their cartoony faces is always a good touch.
MATCH NUMBER ELEVEN: NWA TAG TITLE CAGE MATCH- The Koloffs (Champions) w/Krusher Khrushev vs The Rock N Roll Express w/Don Kernodle
-I’ve always hated tag matches in cages that still require tags.
-In just one year, you can really tell how much Nikita has improved.
-Ricky Morton is too fast for 1985.
-How did Ivan Koloff stay relevant this long?
-At least it took five minutes, but Ivan Koloff is bleeding. He is the 13th person to do that on this show. I don’t think cowboy boots is going to catch up.
-Robert Gibson had to play the babyface in peril his entire career, right?
-14th person to bleed is Robert Gibson. While he is in a headlock, Gibson tries to knuckle his own wound a little to try and bleed better. He has been the weakest bleeder on the show. I’m tempted to give him MVP and LVP.
-Barry Darsow’s yelling is more annoying than Baby Doll. Melina still isn’t off the hook.
-Earl Hebner bumps and he misses a pinfall on Gibson. He awakens just in time for another match to end without somebody merely earning it via their effort.
WINNERS: Morton pins Ivan Koloff in 12:43 to win the titles after a blind tag and a cradle.
-Ivan kicks Morton off immediately after three and Morton gets sent into the cage. HE BLADES!!! COME ON!!!! The match is over and he get cut from A KICKOUT?!?!?! Morton basically leaves Gibson on his own inside the cage, Krusher somehow makes it inside. The Russians hit a sweet triple team move (a double belly-to-back with a top rope clothesline) and all of the babyfaces come out to help. Kernodle might be bleeding on the floor, but I won’t count it to be safe and it is impossible to keep up with everything.
FINAL WORD: This wasn’t bad, but the overall presentation still requires a heavy dose of sedatives.
-A title card for the main event is shown followed by pyro and non-sexy music for Dusty Rhodes. He does a side-to-side wiggle and preps himself as he enters. I would have loved for Dusty to get some mic work on this show, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.
-Another burst of pyro, flashing lights and another police escort for Ric Flair. How many times has Ric Flair timed a climax along with his theme song?
MATCH NUMBER TWELVE: NWA TITLE MATCH- Ric Flair (Champion) vs Dusty Rhodes
-If you try and pop Dusty Rhodes’ birthmark, the goo from a Stretch Armstrong starts leaking out.
-It’s only natural for the evening to end with Dusty Rhodes only wearing 1 cowboy boot. 6.5 pairs on the evening.
-Dusty struts and wiggles and I can’t help but not get excited for this. The previous two Starrcades made stuff feel important, but this falls flat to me.
-A great, early flurry by Dusty causes Flair to begin to leave.
-Flair has been hit 30 times in about 2 minutes and 30 seconds.
-Flair’s chops somehow work. I thought Dusty’s fat would just engulf Flair’s hand.
-Schiavone promotes $3 tickets for Fan Appreciation Day on an upcoming show. For Christ sakes, THE MAIN EVENT OF STARRCADE IS GOING ON.
-Dusty starts to favor his leg. I’m glad I remembered the Horsemen breaking it because the announcers haven’t mentioned it at all. I miss Gordon Solie.
-First Flair WOOOOOOO of the show. It was higher pitched than I expected.
-Dusty sells a kick to the leg like murder and leaves the ring. Caudle and Schiavone finally sell it as well, but do a piss poor job still.
-I am enjoying the story of Dusty trying to take Flair’s leg out as well.
-The sweat flying off Dusty Rhodes is ensuring that I don’t get up from my sear for a snack.
-Ric Flair caught on the top rope!!!! All-time record on PPV for Flair from the top: 1 for 3.
-Hey, one more for old times’ sake! Ric Flair is bleeding after getting his head driven into the railing. That would make the 16th bloody participant of the evening. There have been 27 actual wrestlers on this show. That is bonkers.
-It wasn’t a flying cross body from Dusty. It was a falling cross body.
-The pace seems slower than it should be. I’ll blame Abdullah the Butcher making ribs for Dusty before the show. It seriously seems like Dusty has been on offense this entire match.
-Flair successfully leaps off the top rope, but he is punched in mid-air. I don’t know how to call that. The leap was successful, so I will give him the benefit. 2 for 4 all-time.
-Ric Flair was born to apply the Figure Four.
-Mid Figure Four, Dusty curses at Flair and calls him a son of a bitch. That helps him reverse the hold.
-Flair bleeding right now makes him look like the Red Rooster.
-Dusty starts to no sell and begins to get sloppy. Saying Dusty Rhodes is getting sloppy is funny by itself.
-Referee Tommy Young bumps twice in a row. They place an actual spotlight on Young as he lays on the arena floor.
-Arn Anderson runs in and Dusty stops him. Ole manages to knee Dusty in the head. Arn is shown on the floor and I’m not 100% sure he is bleeding from absolutely nothing, but I don’t even know at this point.
-A new referee runs in. That means we have to be going home.
WINNER: Dusty Rhodes in 22:04 to win the title with a small package.
-The babyfaces immediately hit the ring. Billy Graham and Manny Fernandez are there and I think Pez Whatley is as well. Flair and the Andersons leave, pissed. The celebration in the ring is already over! This isn’t Starrcade 1983 for sure. The replay airs without any analysis like Gorilla or Jesse would provide. Somebody off camera says “Excuse Me” a bunch to inspire Vickie Guerrero.
FINAL WORD: This was very similar to Harley Race and Ric Flair from Starrcade ’83. It was good, but suffered from the test of time. It also suffered from a crappy show before it.
-Schiavone managed to slither backstage and interview Dusty. Champagne is sprayed in the locker room, Billy Jack Haynes walks in with a crazy ass leather jacket while Wahoo McDaniel wears a promo. Even at this important moment, Dusty gets little promo time, but it is sweet to hear.
-Schiavone and Caudle bullshit and pimp Jim Crockett Promotions’ 50th anniversary before finishing their crappy job and taking it to the stills recap and that DAMN song.
THE LAST IMAGE: Dusty Rhodes with his arms raised in victory.
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: I have to stick with Tully Blanchard. His pain still concerns me and it was one of the better confident heel performances I’ve ever seen.
FINAL LVP of PPV: There were many candidates, but Billy Graham cannot stop wrestling on these things soon enough. Congrats on your second anti-trophy.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Tully Blanchard vs Magnum T.A.
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Jimmy Valiant and Miss Atlanta Lively vs The Midnight Express
FINAL THOUGHT: There was so much to complain about on this PPV, but the I Quit Match and the main event save it from being worse than Starrcade 1984 simply because they stood out. That said, no PPV should have almost 60% of its participants bleed. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
UP NEXT: Forget two venues. Vince McMahon raises with three at WrestleMania 2. The only blood spilled may be Velvet McIntyre’s.