It’s hard to pinpoint where my love for “so bad it’s good” entertainment came from. Initially, I thought it came from the first time I caught Mystery Science Theater 3000 on TV. I was getting ready to volunteer at the local YMCA by running the game clock for basketball. As I was dressing myself, I turned the TV on and caught what I later found out was the last episode of the famed series. It was right at the beginning and I was enamored with the wit and humor, but the crap that they were enduring was even more captivating to me. I set my VCR up to record and came home and devoured that episode and the two that followed. You haven’t lived until you’ve watched Squirm.
That soon became my personality: loving shitty movies, tv shows, music and definitely wrestling. As I will write about in a couple weeks, I found a partner in crime in this endeavor and wrestling soon followed this pattern. WrestleCrap became life. Scouring all of the inductions of the absolute worst in the source of entertainment I loved the most took up so much of my time. I’m still that way today. I’ve seen Cats four times in less than one year. I’m currently halfway through the Pamela Anderson Fox sitcom Stacked. Rebecca Black’s “Friday” is on my workout playlist, for crying out loud. Garbage fuels me.
After watching today’s PPV, I think I’ve been wrong this whole time in two distinct ways. First of all, I watched this show all the time when I was a child. All of the outlandish characters and pace just mesmerized my kiddie self. Subconsciously, I think it was just my true nature manifesting itself very early. It wasn’t MST3K that set into motion my passion of bunk. It was 1991 WCW.
That being said, the second way I’m wrong is that there are some things that transcend “so bad, it’s good” territory and the Great American Bash 1991 is one of them. It’s one of the most notorious events in wrestling history. Ric Flair is gone, the landscape is changing and Jim Herd has no idea what he’s doing.
So, grab your favorite robot friends, run towards your seats as we got wrestling sign. It’s time for Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 41- WCW Great American Bash 1991
Written on 8/3/20
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: Some cars and people outside the arena. The camera is our POV as we walk into the building and some confused people are standing around. We ask for 2 tickets and get them without paying because this is a shoot. We force our way into the live arena and we see a crowd that is soon to be not as excited as they currently are. A scaffold is set up over the ring and GMC welcomes Baltimore. He announces our first match: the Skywalkers 2. We already had a Skywalkers 2!!! You have NOT lived until you’ve seen Bobby Eaton walk to the ring to PN News’ music. PN gets no pop and Bobby gets an underwhelming one. He’s already lost the TV Title. To whom you might ask?
-STEVE AUSTIN IS STUNNING, THAT’S WHO. Some regal music and Lady Blossom accompany the future biggest draw ever in confetti trunks. Oh yeah and Terrence Taylor. No Alexandra York. JR and Tony Schiavone introduce themselves on commentary. Two play-by-play guys. Great. Eaton climbs up first. My god, watching a 400+ pound News climb is horrifying. JR calls out a “great camera shot” that shows ROWS UPON ROWS of empty floor seats overhead. The next shot is an inappropriate sign about room keys and Lady Blossom. The heels complain, but finally make the climb up. Some interesting rules here as you can win by knocking your opponents off or capturing a flag at the opposite end of the scaffold. In other words, no one wants to bump.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: CAPTURE THE FLAG SCAFFOLD MATCH- PN News and Bobby Eaton vs Steve Austin and Terrence Taylor w/Lady Blossom
-Eaton walks out, Taylor is scared and gets on his belly. He then retreats.
-Austin comes out and they just stand there. Austin falls down. No one has touched one another and Tony reiterates that for some reason.
-Eaton slams Austin down on the hard scaffold and he fakes hanging off briefly. PN News has not moved.
-I’ve had service at Steak N Shake quicker than anything in this match. PN News is sweating like he just smoked a PCP cigarette.
-A push by News on Terry into his end. Now the big man is just laying on top of Taylor and it looks sexual. Why are PN and Taylor here?!??! Taylor was feuding with Dustin Rhodes and PN was feuding with Johnny B. Badd. The crowd chants for Bobby out of sympathy.
-JR and Tony are trying so hard here. They are talking about the plywood scaffold and PN’s width. They are both the MVP so far. I believe this is the PPV Jim Ross is passing a kidney stone.
-Out of nowhere, Bobby Eaton grabs the flag from the heel side and walks back to his end. The bell kind of rings. Taylor and Austin are kind of touching PN News.
WINNERS: Bobby Eaton and PN News in 6:19 when Eaton captures the flag
FINAL WORD: I call Superbrawl’s stretcher match and raise this as the worst goddamn match in Retro Diary history.
-After the bell, Austin sorta climbs down to get a can from Blossom and sprays Eaton and PN in the face. Why is anything still happening? By the way, real smart spraying anything in anyone’s face that high in the air. All four guys slooooooowly climb to the middle and Taylor bumps off the top rope. They continue to brawl, but the replay of Bobby Eaton just walking with a flag in his hand interrupts.
-Schiavone’s microphone isn’t working. Holy shit, this is so bad. The faces get their hands raised, the heels run in to get beat up some more and that’s it. Deep breath…we have a long way to go.
-JR and Tony, complete with blonde hair that disqualifies him as MVP, talk about the WCW Title controversy and Ric Flair turning down offers. The belt is vacant and Schiavone says this may be the seventh Great American Bash, but it’s really number one. Bull…shit. Time for another important debut on this show: ERIC BISCHOFF. He interviews Arn Anderson and Paul E. Dangerously, who is wearing typical 1991 bright workout shit. They are wrestling Rick Steiner and Missy Hyatt in a cage. Stop and think about that. Paul cuts his usual good promo insinuating Missy sleeps around. Arn, who is lost right now without anything going on, cuts his usual good promo as well. JR and Tony talk the main event again and JR does look uncomfortable. Also previewed are the Russian Chain match and the El Gigante/One Man Gang contest. COOL. Even more stalling as it’s probably taking forever to take the scaffolding down. Also tonight: the Rock N Roll Express explode!
-Finally, GMC introduces the Diamond Studd and DDP. Only one sprinkler of pyro goes off. The ramp ones work as they walk to the ring. DDP’s outfit is everything wrong and gaudy about America. Holy Red, White and Blue. He does his usual routine before bringing a nippily girl into the ring to rip off Studd’s overalls. Now, the Z-Man is on the ramp with four girls and some pyro. I hate all of this. The crowd is more tepid that a popcorn fart (is my reference challenge weak things the Rock almost got over?) Apparently, the Razor’s Edge is currently called the DDD: Diamond Death Drop.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: The Diamond Studd w/DDP vs The Z-Man
-Zenk runs down the ramp and leaps over the top rope in a double clothesline to a good reaction. He gets the rope pulled down on him soon afterwards by DDP, then thrown Foley-style over the rail. This is already one million times better than the opener.
-Studd’s gear is very cheap. His trunks are yellow with a badly stitched “Stud” onto the back. How do you miss the second fucking “d”?
-I’m more interested in DDP and a fan hurling insults in the foreground than this long abdominal stretch complete with heel cheating antics.
-Chokeslam by Scott Hall! It gets a decent reaction. A cocky pin into a sunset flip counter for two. I’ll allow a weak MVP case for Diamond Studd after a good clothesline.
-Zenk hits a karate kick and they start brawling on the floor. Hall seems gassed.
-A missile dropkick by Z-Man, a pin and DDP slaps him in the cover without the ref seeing. How?!?!?
-The pin is broken and DDP gets pulled in. He eats a superkick and Page can’t bump over the top rope. It’s awkward, but still enough of a distraction.
WINNER: The Diamond Studd in 6:57 with a bridging belly-to-back suplex
-Studd has a random cut on his cheek. Tony calls the chokeslam a “throat slam” on the replay.
FINAL WORD: It was a wrestling match.
-JR and Tony introduce Oz who has been off TV lately apparently. That’s a travesty. They build up his opponent: Ron Simmons. GMC (after a long, awkward stare by our commentators) announces Oz still with his castle backdrop and ominous music. He is still getting pyro and a big reveal. This is only his third match?!?! Fuck, that mask sucks. JR calls him agile for his size in the lie of the century. Simmons got the Doom music in the divorce and he gets a well-deserved good pop. JR tells us the same damn stats about him as always.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Oz w/The Great Wizard vs Ron Simmons
-Stalling and lock ups and a close up of the Wizard’s bad mask. I want an Oz Mattel figure NOW!
-A lot of wide, weird camera shots so far. Speaking of wide and weird: these shoulder checks by both men. Oz finally gets a slow big boot and an LVP case with an awful drop toe hold sell. His boots are coming apart!
-Big BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING catcall by one correct spectator. Simmons responds with a big clothesline taking Oz over the top rope. This has somehow gone four minutes.
-Test of strength AKA I check work emails. Ron gets a good suplex (somehow) out of it, but gets knocked down again soon after.
-The Wizard, in FUCKING SWEATPANTS, gets a kick on Ron on the floor. Simmons is really trying. Can he be MVP? He sunset flips into the ring, but gets axe handled. A dropkick lands and Oz sells like shit.
-Two football tackles, a punch to the Wizard and Nash just won’t back bump. He will lay down for three seconds, though.
WINNER: Ron Simmons in 7:55 with a shoulder tackle.
FINAL WORD: God Bless Ron Simmons and God Bless the end of Oz’s potential.
-JR says Oz is going back down the Yellow Brick Road and yep…he’s done and buried right there.
-The Rock N Roll Express match is upcoming and I get 2020 Inceptioned as Tony and JR introduce a Top 10 List. Fucking AEW! In descending order: Johnny B. Badd, Ron Simmons, Diamond Studd, El Gigante, Arn Anderson, Bobby Eaton, Steve Austin, Sting, Barry Windham, Lex Luger. Sure.
-Robert Gibson enters to a pretty underwhelming reaction back from injury. Bill Alfonso is the referee, DADDY. The York Foundation music plays for Richard Morton. He’s still dressed like a RNR guy. I love the name change, but a 60 second clip would have been great explaining what happened here. JR points out no Mr. Hughes. Gibson meets Morton on the ramp and they brawl. Gibson is asking Morton “how’s your lips” with a good right hand (1 more bad Rock reference to go!)
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Robert Gibson vs Richard Morton w/Alexandra York
-Gibson has good energy early and Morton is the right amount of heel.
-JR details the turn and their history well. It solidifies his MVP case and Morton wastes time asking for a handshake. Anything to avoid bumping.
-A lot of stalling starts killing the crowd. Gibson’s bursts try to get them back.
-Gibson lets out an audible “shit” when Morton throws his injured knee into the post.
-Morton rips at the tights to expose the knee. Their rolling and struggles are awkward. I’m vindicated with a bad inside cradle counter as well. These two lack chemistry with one another.
-Morton knows Flair is gone, so he puts on the Figure Four. Gibson sells it well as the crowd tries to start a “Morton Sucks” chant. I see Vladimir got worse seats than usual.
-It’s finally reversed after almost 90 seconds. Tony accidentally creates Rick and Morty decades early with a botch of Morton’s name.
-The announcers put over Gibson’s toughness as his knee is still targeted and he continues to sell wonderfully. Now, it looks like Morton is just helping Gibson on a trainer’s table.
-Gibson hits a DDT out of nowhere as that move’s descent begins. Morton takes a scary Flair bump off the top and Robert hits an enzigiri as they pick up the pace.
-Brawling on the ramp and they both go for dropkicks at the same time in a good spot. York distracts the ref, so Morton can grab the computer and love taps his former partner.
WINNER: Richard Morton in 17:01 with a computer shot to the shoulder off the top rope
FINAL WORD: With the time they got, I expected a lot more.
-Eric Bischoff is backstage with the Young Pistols and Dustin Rhodes. Tracy Smothers’ promo explains why he wasn’t a bigger star, Steve Armstrong lisps and looks like Woody Harrelson in Kingpin and Dustin is channeling his dad to an embarrassing level. He calls the heels “pallies”. Like pals, get it?!?!?!
-More USA gear as the Fabulous Freebirds enter with Big Daddy Dink and Badstreet instead of Fantasia. Another tepid reaction. They are the six-man tag champs, too. Too much gold for this act. The babyfaces come out to a totally dead crowd. Dustin kinda gets a pop, but we are losing them.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: ELIMINATION TAG MATCH- The Fabulous Freebirds and Badstreet w/Big Daddy Dink vs The Young Pistols and Dustin Rhodes
-A close up on the Birds to start is gibberish and something about a birthday. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
-Michael Hayes and Dustin start AKA Hayes struts and Dustin stands there before strutting and performing the worst moonwalk ever.
-Dustin hits a trio of elbows to the heels and they bail. The “Freebirds suck” chant is constant. Is it go away heat? I don’t think so because I heard a decent “Dustin sucks” chant, too. Plus, the Pistols got clotheslined to the floor to a pop as well.
-Nice double shoulder blocks by the Pistols. Boy are the Freebirds on the juice. They aren’t the Warlord or anything, but you can just tell. The heels have powdered four times now.
-Good sequence with multiple leapfrogs and Tracy is pulled out by Badstreet and clotheslined by Dink.
-Hayes thinks he’s fucking Mike Tyson with these “cool” straight left hands. This starts a prolonged beatdown of Tracy Smothers.
-The crowd digs all of Badstreet’s offense. That’s the most support I’ve ever heard for Brad Armstrong.
-Lukewarm tag to Steve and a brawl erupts. Dustin and Jimmy Garvin spill to the floor and Steve goes for Badstreet’s mask. He takes a badly executed double DDT that the crowd loves. Steve Armstrong is eliminated at 13:46 by Michael Hayes. Immediately afterwards, Michael Hayes is eliminated by DQ when he backdrops Tracy over the top. Hayes rightfully says that all he did was duck. So stupid.
-The ref misses a tag to Dustin and Tracy Smothers is eliminated at 15:21 by Jimmy Garvin after another double DDT. Seven seconds later, Jimmy Garvin is eliminated by Dustin Rhodes and an explosive lariat.
-Dink comes in to help and takes a dropkick in one fell swoop along with the finishing move of the match.
WINNER: Dustin Rhodes and the Young Pistols when Dustin eliminates Badstreet at 17:05 with a bulldog.
FINAL WORD: I wonder who the booker is at the moment. It’s not Erik Watts level, but it’s pretty egregious still.
-The rest of the show is previewed, but it’s time for the Bounty Match for the mask between the two most talked about personalities in the company. First of all, out runs the Yellow Dog with a fucking dog to Brian Pillman’s music. He is greased up and JACKED. He barely gets a pop. What a great follow up to a career making War Games performance. He lost a Loser Leaves match and will be banned for life if he’s discovered to be Yellow Dog. Not appropriate music plays at first, then some Little Richard shit and pyro for Johnny B. Badd and Teddy Long. This is another big debut. It’s a great piano theme. There are a lot of euphemisms between Tony and JR about conversations with Badd, but they still put over his boxing record. Dalton Castle, eat your heart out on that robe. Another shot of Vladimir digging the show. Fuck it, he’s an MVP candidate. The Network displays the dreaded “present in most complete form possible due to original production technical difficulties” graphic and black screen. It comes back for the bell. If I’m not mistaken, I think a really bad gay slur by Pillman is edited here.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: BOUNTY MATCH- Yellow Dog vs Johnny B. Badd w/Teddy Long
-Why the Yellow Dog? It’s so random. He slaps Badd and blows a kiss to him and Teddy.
-Badd bails after a loud chop. The heels take time to hug for cheap heat.
-Some sloppy chain wrestling shows Badd’s inexperience. Dog eventually dropkicks Badd into Teddy. He gives chases before getting sneak attacked with a big clothesline and rail attack by Badd.
-Another minor botch with a cross body, but Badd rebounds with an impressive top rope sunset flop halfway across the ring.
-Yellow Dog ducks Badd’s finishing punch and hits a good German suplex. This match is so back and forth in terms of action and quality.
-Pillman hits the top rope cross body and the ref is out of position for the pin…or out of position for the run-in.
WINNER: The Yellow Dog in 6:00 by DQ when Teddy Long interferes.
-Long awkwardly jumps on Brian who hits him with Air Pillman before taking Badd’s punch. The winner is announced as both men celebrate and taunt.
FINAL WORD: There are less clunkers in a Flint, Michigan car lot than this show.
-Bischoff is outside of Missy Hyatt’s dressing room. He enters and Missy has a fucking attendant poorly read her a card from Jason Hervey. Eric is BAD BAD BAD here, loving his job as he realizes Missy is in the shower…before her match for some reason. She throws things at him and yells. Another “hilarious” segment that makes Bischoff a LVP and a future defendant. Schiavone volunteers next time as the announcers laugh and introduces a Lumberjack match with some more fucking random newbies.
-What was the random bimbo budget on this show?!?! Four blondes with denim shorts accompany Big Josh to the ring and Tony talks about how well fed they are. JR calls them “healthy” in a very tongue in cheek way. Rock music plays for Black Blood billed from a “little town in France.” Kevin Sullivan is supposed to be with him but he’s not. This is just crazy ass Billy Jack Haynes dressed like a boring executioner. Nothing matches or makes sense. How is Big Josh a face? What makes a Lumberjack match for a lumberjack? Around the ring: Dustin Rhodes, Junkyard Dog, Bobby Eaton, PN News, Dick Murdoch, Dick Slater, Black Bart and Richard Morton in a York Foundation shirt I need.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: LUMBERJACK MATCH- Big Josh vs Black Blood
-Josh is knocked to the floor twice. The heels beat him up, but the faces don’t. PN’s casual wear is just *chef’s kiss*.
-The heels protect Blood and the faces complain. A lot of ugly brawling and clubs by both men. How are the moves better than the strikes between these two?
-A scrum keeps starting on the floor and it finally fully breaks out to the only pop of the match so far. Blood dominates in the ring.
-The fight on the floor starts again as Blood gives Josh a German suplex. He goes for the fucking AXE he carries and tries to chop Josh, but Dustin Rhodes (naturally) hits him in the leg with the handle of Josh’s less obnoxious axe.
WINNER: Big Josh in 5:39 with an inside cradle
FINAL WORD: More mess. Just a mess. Messy. Whatever mess is in French.
-JR and Tony chalk up the rules of a Lumberjack match as “unpredictable” as a way to explain why that sucked, then talk about El Gigante’s wrestling and English getting better. BULLSHIT. GMC announces the “come as you are Battle of the Giants” Sullivan finally enters with the One Man Gang on a chain. Boy, that is all a look. I’ve been on Halstead Street in Chicago and it’s not that. Bischoff stops them for a ramp interview. Sullivan talks some early Dungeon of Doom crap about death wagons and third eyes. I could be making shit up and you’d never know. El Gigante comes out with four little people! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?! Bischoff is cut off wrapping up the interview. The little people have face paint like OMG and Sullivan. One is Dink/Tiger Jackson because he was always signed up for stuff like this. They run around and make OMG look stupid before Kevin chucks one. Yeah, I don’t want this.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: One Man Gan w/Kevin Sullivan vs El Gigante w/Four Little People
-Bad punches, bad shoulder tackles and OMG bails.
-A hip toss and a missed clothesline was the best Gigante has ever looked. He immediately misses a splash and sells it like utter shit. OMG hits a second rope clothesline and the giant sells it by awkwardly leaning against the ropes and slowly falling down.
-A wrench is introduced. That seems like a metaphor.
-El is on the mat and Sullivan keeps trying to get sneak attacks in and Gigante keeps moving and making it difficult.
-747 splash and Gigante powers out, making OMG kind of fall to the floor. He recovers and climbs up top, but gets stopped late with a slam like Ric Flair. Man, Akeem is trying.
-That was the worst suplex ever. He have a new EL VP, get it? Kevin gets caught and clawed, but manages to sneak OMG powder. That gets kicked in his face.
WINNER: El GIgante in 6:13 with a clothesline to the back
FINAL WORD: We have such a contest for the worst match on this show, but there is no contest for the worst wrestler of all time.
-JR and Tony preview the upcoming Chain Match and we get a recap! Hallelujah! The SuperBrawl attack is replayed and a WCW Pro clip with obnoxious commentators I can’t identify. Nikita keeps jumping Sting, even when he’s holding a child! Nikita Koloff is a dope heel. They show the fan crying and Nikita goes after him, but the mom protects. THAT is how you get ready for a match. Nikita enters to big heat, no music and his own special graphic. He has an MVP presentation so far. Sting enters to a big ovation, big pyro and his own graphic as well. JR makes an odd presentation on how this isn’t valedictorian or most popular in high school, it’s a chain match. Yeah…duh.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: RUSSIAN CHAIN MATCH- Nikita Koloff vs Sting
--A minor tug-o-war, pushing and nose to nose to start. That’s odd with how tenuous this feud has been so far. It picks up with a brawl on the floor soon after and Nikita eats the rail many times.
-Nikita is choked and Sting starts touching corners. He gets two before his momentum is stopped with a chain strike to the throat.
-Sting jerks the chain to send Koloff into the post and he’s selling great for the Stinger. He’s definitely an MVP threat.
-Someone in the crowd just outscreamed Sting. Sign him!
-The ref counts as Nikita chokes Sting with the chain. Tony explains after it’s broken before five as if it didn’t happen.
-Sting with a very SNUG tug with the chain in between Nikita’s legs. Easy, big fella!!! That’s how the Rock talked to his penis as a heel, so I’m counting my challenge as complete.
Koloff uses his head to touch the posts, but Sting stops before the final one.
-They hug and barrel into the corners and get credit each for two buckles before trading dick uppercuts. The momentum hasn’t stopped? I always hate this match’s mechanisms.
-Run to three, Sting punches down and reaches, but can’t make it. Russian Sickle to stop him and we are at three each. Nikita complains to the ref for nothing. Sting attacks with the Stinger Splash and they both fly into the buckle. It’s a photo finish.
WINNER: Nikita Koloff in 11:38
-Sting attacks after the bell. More brawling and more Russian penis torture for Nikita as Sting gets the last laugh. The replay is good at showing Nikita touching the buckle first.
FINAL WORD: That was mostly fine. In other words, it was the best thing on this show by a wide margin.
-JR and Tony set the stage for the World Title AKA killing time while the cage is set up. They try to put over Barry Windham being overdue for a show before cutting to a special look at this match. Why does this dog shit show have this good package? It says that this could be the greatest match ever, so the package isn’t that great. It’s also called the “mother of all wrestling wars.” It highlights both in action and only Barry talking (smartly). Back to the commentators as we are still cage stalling. And THERE IS THE BIG ASS “WE WANT FLAIR” CHANT. It makes JR noticeably stumble over his words. They talk about Lex Luger being overdue and Windham’s raw potential. JR is out of stuff, so he falls into the background of Lex in painstakingly detail and that may cost him. This takes up a looooooooot of time. I thought they were going to recap their high school SATs or Social Security numbers at one point.
-GMC calls this a “historic confrontation” before some pyro and special graphic for Barry Windham. We get a close up of the replacement title which is a STUPID FUCKING IDEA because it has trophy store plates covering up its real identity and it’s the ugliest sight of all time.
-The girls start shrieking for Lex on the ramp. Oh hey…this isn’t the main event! Fuck this fucking shit show. “WE WANT FLAIR” and more pyro from the top of the cage. The camera gets CLOSE UP SHOTS of people in the crowd putting up four fingers and chanting “WE WANT FLAIR”! This is a joke at this point. Tony points out Lex’s concentration and it looks more like worry that this crowd is going to eat them alive.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: VACANT WCW TITLE CAGE MATCH- Barry Windham vs Lex Luger
-“WE WANT FLAIR” gets louder at the bell. Some awkward shoulder bounces and stalemate spots don’t help.
-Barry hits a dropkick with more deliberate pacing. Lex tries a small package amid more disinterested cat calls.
-“NATURE BOY” chants. I can’t wait to see how creative this gets. Meanwhile, JR can’t help himself with his Lex facts. Stop hurting your chances!
-“WE WANT FLAIR” and chain wrestling with Windham trying the Austin Aries headstand out of a headscissors.
-Every spot has lag after it. This is not the match to have with a hostile crowd. It’s still somehow the second best on the show right now.
-Barry has the shittiest one-legged leapfrogs. Lex has the most acceptable DDT.
-Lex gets caught on the top rope and thrown off by Barry! They do the Flair spot in the match!!! How did the crowd not erupt in a chant there?
-Barry tries a big elbow, but Lex moves in a good camera shot. A series of clothesline follows. Lex hits a powerslam, then the Rack. Windham kicks off the cage and hits a nice belly-to-back counter. The people are coming around.
-Lex tries a superplex, but Barry has it scouted. He hits a top rope lariat as Barry is putting in everything. Luger is already on his feet for some reason.
-Windham hits a nice one-legged missile dropkick right on the chin. This could be an MVP worthy performance, but the Flair shit prevents that. So does Harley Race and Mr. Hughes coming down. Hughes tries to get in while Race commands Lex that “now is the time!”
WINNER: Lex Luger in 12:24 to win the title with a piledriver
-A BIG overdue pop for Luger winning the big one as Race raises his hand. Hughes stands guard of Barry. It’s a weak double turn, but Luger’s body language/demeanor change is good.
FINAL WORD: When you consider all of the things, that was much better than you can hope for in that spot. By the way, there are only seven minutes left in this show.
-JR expresses rightful confusion and summarizes the events, but takes it to the mixed gender cage match. There’s an audible cough as Paul E. and Arn Anderson enters. I can’t overstage how 1991 Heyman is dressed here. Rick Steiner and Missy Hyatt (wearing equally 1991 exercise attire) walk out. Scott Steiner is out 4-5 months, but Rick is still one half of the tag champs. The Hardliners (Murdoch and Slater) run out and carry Missy away. What a fucking bait and switch. A fan grabs Murdoch and he swings, but somehow doesn’t kill the guy. JR claims it’s a handicap match now. END MY MISERY
MATCH NUMBER ELEVEN- CAGE MATCH- Paul E. Dangerously and Arn Anderson vs Rick Steiner and Missy Hyatt
-Stalling for 45 seconds, then Rick powerslams Arn as Paul yells and taunts on the apron. You still have to tag here?!?!?!
-Paul gets a hit from the top with a cowboy boot. He misses the follow up. Arn takes a Steinerline and gets killed with it. Paul gets his own. Some main event.
WINNERS: Rick Steiner and Missy Hyatt in 2:08 when Rick Steiner pins Paul E. Dangerously after a Steinerline
-The crowd is immediately down as they know that’s how the show is going to end. The boos ring out as JR says he’s glad there are no more matches and SO…AM…I.
FINAL WORD: How can a 2 minute handicap mixed tag/handicap cage match NOT BE THE WORST MATCH ON A PPV?!?!
-JR and Tony recap the WCW Title situation as pyro…too much pyro…like enough to pay Ric Flair goes off to little fanfare. Roll fucking credits.
THE LAST IMAGE: A wide shot of the arena, the cage and pyro
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP OF PPV: He may have fallen on some tropes late, but Jim Ross was a needed voice in such a messy affair. Plus, he was PASSING A KIDNEY STONE DURING ALL OF THIS.
FINAL LVP OF PPV: Oz may have hurt Ron Simmons’ momentum, but he’s spared in the second straight show by El Gigante. He is just THAT BAD.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Nikita Koloff vs Sting
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Bobby Eaton and PN News vs Terrence Taylor and Steve Austin
FINAL THOUGHTS: There is no doubt about it: this is the worst PPV I’ve watched so far. There are three all-time worst match ever candidates. So many others are still painful and the crowd rebels at all of the bad decisions. It wasn’t as much fun like MST3K like I was hoping. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: It’s the Match Made in Heaven and the Match Made in Hell at SummerSlam 1991. You can’t rightfully threaten me with Hell after this show.