Episode 4 - January 31, 1993: Suck It, Andrew Jackson

Today’s episode starts off quickly with no cold open and no introduction from the commentary team. We go right into a match between Tatanka and Damien Demento. I’m gonna choose to believe that Tatanka is indeed a Native American because his whole gimmick is awesome and I want to just enjoy it without feeling guilty. Conversely, Damien Demento seems like someone I would like because he’s supposed to be from Hell or something, but there’s really not much character development there. I get the impression that maybe the WWF doesn’t spend time developing the weirdo evil heels and they’re just there to get creamed by the faces, which is exactly what happens in this match.

 His entrance music starts with an Apache war cry. God, PLEASE be a real Native American.

His entrance music starts with an Apache war cry. God, PLEASE be a real Native American.

After that riveting first match, we obviously need to cool the place down by having an EXTENSIVE interview with Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, who apparently is making his return to wrestling after some sort of parasailing accident that required his face to be reconstructed. For someone that had to have “8 steel plates, 30 screws, and 500 stitches”, he looks fantastic. I’m honestly not sure if this is a work or not. What I do know is he better be a good wrestler because this is BORING.

 This guy stopped caring a long time ago.

This guy stopped caring a long time ago.

Luckily the next match kicks things right back into high gear. Koko B Ware is back and this time he brought Owen Hart with him, both of whom are dressed like genies that wished for more ska. It turns out they’re a tag team called “High Energy” and they do not disappoint. They are a ton of fun to watch as they beat up Skull Von Krush and Iron Mike Sharpe, which will clearly now be the names of my first 2 sons. High Energy is super quick and precise and I’m looking forward to seeing more from them.

 "We've been trapped in this magic lamp for centuries. I wish somebody would come by and PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!"

"We've been trapped in this magic lamp for centuries. I wish somebody would come by and PICK IT UP PICK IT UP PICK IT UP!"

All good things must come to an end though, because our next match is Typhoon VS Doink the Clown. Spoiler alert: Doink wins. Ugh. Next.

 The crowd was chanting this maniac's name. Every child in attendance grew up to be a Juggalo.

The crowd was chanting this maniac's name. Every child in attendance grew up to be a Juggalo.

We then get another match with Yokozuna, this time against Bobby Devito. Five seconds and one super kick into the fight and Yokozuna is already winded, but obviously he goes on to win. Apparently they’re just gonna let him chew through all the jobbers they can find. They’ve built him up as an unstoppable machine, which makes him the 1993 Brock Lesnar.

Then Ted DiBiase and Irwin R. Schyster show up to cut a promo calling out Brutus Beefcake. I know they’re supposed to be heels, but these guys seem cool as hell and I’m down. Ted is awesome on the mic and IRS looks like if Clark Kent didn’t care who knew he was Superman.

 Pretty cool that they got Frank Zappa to manage them, too.

Pretty cool that they got Frank Zappa to manage them, too.

The last thing I want to mention is Lex Luger’s match with Jason Knight. After just destroying the guy, Lex Luger pins him using only his pinky. Is that because he’s really strong or really arrogant? Either way I love it.

 

 "Tatanka let me borrow his spare outfit."

"Tatanka let me borrow his spare outfit."

Other Observations:

  • During the show we get a short but touching tribute to Andre the Giant who died that week. It’s interesting that even though I’ve gone back 23 years in time, there’s still decades of wrestling that came before.

  • It’s strange to watch Owen Hart wrestle knowing that he cut Stone Cold’s career short and then later died in a tragic accident.

  • Mr. Perfect does a pre-taped sketch where he throws perfect football passes to Steve Jordan of the Minnesota Vikings. Eventually he demonstrates that his throws are so perfect that he’s able to catch his own pass. I hope they do more cheesy stuff like this.