The Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring for our first match accompanied by his bodyguard Diesel. His opponent, for some reason, is Kamala. I’m not sure why they decided to book this match, but Shawn Michaels makes the most of a not great situation by just being a fantastic wrestler. Kamala basically just stands there while Shawn wrestles around him. Shawn sells everything 110% and really makes it feel like a close match. In fact, Kamala nearly gets the pin, but becomes distracted by Diesel standing on the apron which gives Shawn Michaels the time he needs to get up and deliver a big superkick to the back of Kamala’s head. Furious with the loss, Kamala flies into a rage attacking the Heartbreak Kid at which point Diesel remembers he’s a bodyguard and saves Shawn and they both end up beating the snot out of Kamala. What a happy ending.
When you're this good looking, you're allowed to beat up whoever you want.
We then get yet another interview with Mr. Fuji and Yokozuna, this time with Vince McMahon. On the 4th of July, the “Bodyslam Challenge” will occur on the USS Intrepid. Basically any professional American athlete can try to bodyslam Yokozuna, which is supposedly impossible because of how big he is. The winner, if any, gets a red, white, and blue pick up truck. This is the most American thing I’ve ever heard of in my life. The contest kind of sounds fun since it seems like they’ve actually got several real athletes who are buying in, but Yokozuna still sucks. The last line of the interview is his: “American athletes are like American products: they are no good!”
Good lord, he's broken a sweat just standing there.
Next up we get a tag team match between the Smoking Gunns and Iron Mike Sharpe & Barry Horowitz. This is a surprisingly good match. I’m so used to seeing the other babyface team, the Steiner Brothers, in squash match after squash match, that I didn’t expect the Smoking Gunns to be any different. I’ve also got to give credit to their opponents who genuinely seem like they could win the match. They don’t of course, but they seem like they could.
After that, Vince decides he hasn’t had enough screen time yet, so he hops back up to interview Money Inc. They start off talking about losing their Tag Team title to the Steiners and how they wrote a clause into their contract that gives them an automatic rematch. I wouldn’t mind seeing that fight. However, they go on to call out Razor Ramon for being careless with his money and getting beat by the “1-2-3” Kid. They tell him that he should team up with the Steiners for some arbitrary reason, but I’ll take it. I want them to keep pushing this Razor Ramon/”1-2-3” Kid storyline so hard.
Moving on, Adam Bomb is back to fight BJ Walker, and this time he’s got a bright red tongue in addition to his weird yellow eyes. Hey dude? How about you just wrestle well? Nobody cares that you went to the Halloween outlet store.
So your gimmick is that you ate too many popsicles?
The last match of the night is Crush VS Bastion Booger. You may remember Bastion Booger as the former Friar Ferguson. Thankfully he dropped that gimmick pretty quickly and now his thing is just being a big fat gross smelly blob man. Harsh, but I actually prefer this. The announcers make sure to really talk up their distaste with him. In reference to Bastion’s ugly mug, Randy Savage tells us that he’s “seen car wrecks that weren’t that bad.” Despite his enormous girth, Crush manages to pick up and bodyslam Bastion three times in a row much to the delight of the crowd and gets the pinfall for the win.
Not pictured: Crush's spine telescoping in on itself.
Next episode we’ll see the return of the “1-2-3” Kid. I’m curious to find out what the next stage will be for this storyline and if Money Inc. will manage to buy their way into it as well.