I was debating on what this intro should be about. I initially had the idea of discussing unique locales for events, but I realized I have plenty of time to do that with Hog/Road Wild coming up next year.
I noticed a lot of first and last appearances or occurrences on this show, but I felt like I’ve done that before.
I live in Florida and have probably been at the actual beach less than a dozen times in my life and I thought that was something that could be a funny way to get into the subject, but I really didn’t want to waste any time writing about fucking sand and the ocean when I couldn’t care less.
Idea after idea kept coming up, but getting shot down. Finally, I looked at my notes and noticed the date I notated that I watched the event. It was Veteran’s Day, but that wasn’t the key thing. Almost in bold, I saw 11/11.
Ever since Jordan Peele’s Us was released in 2019, that number has been seemingly following me around. It’s become a big joke with all of my friends. People literally text me at the time constantly just to get a rise out of me. It’s spooky.
It’s gotten me again. Cool. Great.
Here’s a recap of a shitty WCW show on a shoot beach.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 89- WCW BASH AT THE BEACH 1995
Written on 11/11/21
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: An animated shark and waves before a Slim Jim promotion and Randy Savage talking about his upcoming Lifeguard Match. A voiceover guy discusses the steel cage main event and we are going heavy on the Slim Jim stuff early. A wide panning shot of the “largest crowd to ever watch a WCW show in the United States” according to Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan. They are wearing nice, red polos. Tony has some not nice shades. I wonder what the wrist band is for.
-A video package of Meng is overset on a little pond or brook. A voiceover explains his deal in way too big of words and way too important of a manner. This is some WMAC Masters style shit right here. That’s a quick reference challenge: live action 1990s kids TV shows that nobody remembers! This does a good job making him feel like someone that wasn’t formerly Haku. Mean Gene interviews Sting on his home turf. He claims to know seven different kinds of crazy and mentions his friends whose names I don’t recognize. It’s a little Hoganesque of a promo by flexing and repeating himself.
-A wide shot of the crowd shows a good, but dispersed, crowd. Obligatory FUCK TRAVIS SCOTT.
-Meng slowly walks out of the entrance tent. It makes the show feel different and special. Sting enters to a muted pop. That’s one problem with this environment: the acoustics and the view. Michael Buffer is the announcer for the opening contest. The poor guy (although not really) is stuck in that suit on the hot beach. The same goes for Col. Parker. How is Meng’s weight unknown? Someone just ask him to step on a scale before the match!!! And why is Sting called the star of Thunder in Paradise? I’m making Buffer the first LVP just because his facts are bad.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: US TITLE MATCH- Meng w/Col. Parker vs Sting (Champ)
-The feeling out process ends with Meng chops and Sting retaliates with some punches.
-It’s a slow and deliberate pace early. That isn’t helped with the first nerve hold.
-Baywatch is filming scenes for their show. I think it’s funny that some guy was probably cranking it to this episode and then Meng was on the screen all of a sudden.
-A big, exaggerated second rope headbutt misses and Sting eventually locks the Scorpion Death Lock in. Parker distracts and Meng blindsides the champ.
-The beautiful blue sky is juxtaposed with a gnarly suplex that ends up being a brainbuster on Sting. Meng hits three backbreakers, but he still only gets a two count.
-Okay…that’s NOT hundreds of thousands of people. Bobby has a funny line about Okerlund talking capacity, but there’s no such thing because they are on a beach. He’s our first MVP.
-Very awkward spot alert: Meng hits a sunset flip and Sting hits a terrible looking butt drop right on Meng’s face.
-Meng applies a Boston Crab, but holds both legs together under one arm. Why?
-Sting’s comeback consists of a Thesz Press, hurricanrana and a backwards cross body. He’s trying to switch it up and I appreciate it.
-The Stinger Splash is attempted but he gets caught RIGHT IN THE FACE with a kick. That was dope. It gets a 2.9 count and it’s followed up with a very clumsily ducked kick and finish.
WINNER: Sting in 15:29 to retain the title with a roll up
-Meng jumps him after the bell. Hawk comes out to help and stare down the loser.
FINAL WORD: I had high hopes that they’d pass their last effort, but it didn’t even come close. Did the heat mess them up?
-Mean Gene interviews Jimmy Hart and a growling Renegade. He’s an instant LVP for screaming over Jimmy and talking about T.O.S: “terminate on sight!” He makes the Ultimate Warrior look like Eddie Kingston. Paul Orndorff enters and he apparently won some contest to get this shot? Tony has some audio problems. Mr. Wonderful is without his robe because it’s too hot. It was some kind of Saturday Night challenge to earn this match. It’s odd seeing an announcer in shorts. The Renegade enters to pure apathy, mugs to the wrong camera and bangs his head like a total asshole.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: TV TITLE MATCH- Paul Orndorff vs The Renegade w/Jimmy Hart (Champ)
-Paul jumps the champ quick and the Renegade has already taken two weird bumps. The crowd is chanting “Paul” and “Wonderful.”
-Renegade grabs the ropes with his other hand as he runs them. He gets clotheslined onto the sand and Tony talks about it being this big, abrasive hinderance.
-The commentators are more interested in trading jokes and cliches and that’s fair because the first dropkick by the champion is abysmal. Paul gets a handful of sand and throws it in Renegade’s eyes.
-Orndorff is an MVP for putting up with this and hitting a good dropkick. The piledriver is blocked and the boo birds really come out for two more ALL TIME BAD dropkicks. The crowd has fully turned.
-Even this finish is botched and ugly.
WINNER: The Renegade in 6:12 to retain the title with a belly-to-back suplex with a bridge
-Orndorff clearly had his arm up. The Renegade celebrates amid boos and Paul gets the pop of the show thus far for jumping him afterwards and hitting a piledriver. This fucking guy gets right up and shakes it off. He hits a top rope cross body to more boos. The replay shows the arm up clear as day.
FINAL WORD: It doesn’t get better; it just gets worse and worse.
-Dungeon of Doom time!!! Kamala’s introduction to the Taskmaster is recapped. Oh boy, this vignette has it all: a “goblet of darkness”, the Father yelling and gargling rocks about the Sahara and Kilimanjaro and the Ugandan giant slapping his belly and cuddling up next to Curtis Iaukea. It’s “etched in stoooooooone!!!!” Oh god, let’s keep it rolling with a mad Jim Duggan promo with Gene. You know what? This one is about not being a nice guy anymore and it’s alright with me. Everyone is on that good California kush.
-Tribal music for Kamala as he’s led out by Kevin Sullivan. For the third time on the evening, Bobby and/or Tony ogle a girl in a bikini in the crowd. Hacksaw enters and swings his flag way too much and towards his opponent. Schaivone mentions Zodiac debuting the night before. I’m on my fucking day off right now.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Kamala w/The Taskmaster vs Jim Duggan
-A lock up leads directly to slugging. Kamala staggers ridiculously three times before finally falling. He gets up and wants a hug? Fuck my life.
-Kamala is a lot more “vocal” and outgoing towards the ref. I don’t like it. Speaking of which, it’s bearhug time!
-Stomps on the feet break the hold, but Duggan hits the corner like an idiot. Now, an armpit hold is locked in. AN ARMPIT HOLD!!!
-Hacksaw slams Kamala, holding him for a second or two before dropping him. Sullivan causes the distraction and Zodiac runs out to hit Jim with that apparently dangerous Kamala mask from behind.
WINNER: Kamala in 6:07 with a mask shot to the back by Zodiac
FINAL WORD: How do you compare one piece of shit to another piece of shit? One had better color or consistency than the other? Which one am I talking about?
-The commentators talk about off-camera women before taking it to Gene with Macho Man. There is SO MUCH SLIM JIM STUFF. This is a classic Randy Savage promo in energy, material and coolness. He’s an MVP while repping his snack food well. Is the beach advantage a thing? He thinks so.
-Okerlund is interrupted by DDP’s entrance with Maxx Muscle and Kimberly. A little Hulkamaniac presents Kim with flowers and Page takes them and smacks her in the face with them! Good grief! He really goes after her with them, so Dave Sullivan runs out to his stupid music and makes a beeline for Page.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: DDP w/Maxx Muscle and Diamond Doll vs Dave Sullivan
-Dave shoves the flowers in DDP’s face and displays decent energy early.
-Dave Penzer said Ralph the Rabbit was accompanying Evad, but he’s nowhere to be seen. The dolt keeps waving at Kim and it causes him to lose the advantage to Dallas.
-Maxx scores Page’s attacks with a ring girl’s round card? That’s an unnecessarily added gimmick.
-The crowd is into something else. I think something is being thrown or bounced around? It’s probably some girl’s titties.
-Dave’s finisher is an inverted bearhug AKA a piledriver hold. It’s applied for half a second before Maxx distracts the ref and it leads to the PPV debut of…
WINNER: DDP in 4:24 with the Diamond Cutter
FINAL WORD: At least it was short and showcased a burgeoning DDP. By the way, I’m going to track that hold just like the Stone Cold Stunner from now on.
-Mean Gene interviews Harlem Heat and Sherri before their “unusual” triangle match. They have the belts back now. I think Stevie was standing on Gene’s foot? He was. Do people actually eat neck bones? Stevie cuts another LVP worthy promo. This is also interrupted by in-ring introductions. The rules get a LONG explanation. I’ve never like Penzer as an announcer. He always sounds rushed. LVP. I can’t find a picture of his dumbass at this show, so here’s the announcers instead.
-The Blue Bloods enter followed by the Nasty Boys. They look like human villains akin to Bulk and Skull, but on a worse show like VR Troopers (one more to go). Harlem Heat enter and you gotta give it up for whomever made their Rap Sheet theme. It’s so good and everlasting. A coin toss determines who starts. Schiavone leans heel on what his strategy would be, causing an odd cause of agreeance. A good “Harlem Heat” chant is led by a lot of kids. A brilliant wide shot of the crowd happens to avoid focusing on this boring coin toss that takes forever.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: TAG TITLE TRIANGLE MATCH- The Blue Bloods vs The Nasty Boys vs Harlem Heat w/Sister Sherri (Champs)
-Booker T and Brian Knobbs are supposed to start, but Steven Regal runs in and immediately takes Pity City. Robert Eaton takes one, too. Yeah, but what about the rules?
-Things finally settle and Booker is an MVP by shining with crowd work and bumps as usual. Stevie tags in and gets sloppy right away. Eaton gets decked by Sherri on the floor.
-The commentators have no idea who is legal at any time. The tags to other teams are so odd and the commentators help by discussing it constantly. Eaton tries to tag Heat against themselves, but isn’t allowed. The ref misses the tag, too.
-Man, this is the wrong kind of wild. Sags is running laps while selling punches while Brain buries this concept by saying it doesn’t make sense. Random brawling keeps breaking out willy nilly.
-Regal rolls to tag Harlem Heat in and cooly walks away. He always gets one or two of those moments in each match.
-Knobbs butt drops Regal and tags Sags in. They go all over the place and bodies are everywhere. Booker is backdropped onto Regal. Sags sits on both of them and the ref counts to three. They celebrate, but Booker was on top of Regal. Aye aye aye.
WINNERS: Harlem Heat in 13:10 to retain the titles when Booker T pins Lord Steven Regal after an…oh fuck it.
-The replay shows Knobbs getting his head taken off on a side kick and the whole messy pin situation.
FINAL WORD: Can you say “unnecessarily convoluted?”
-Bobby is sitting in his chair backwards before Heat get a post-match promo as well. Sherri yells like a lady at 3 AM needing cigarettes. Stevie is better at talking post-match somehow. Bunkhouse Buck and Dick Slater are next in line and that means the champs are definitely tweening at the moment. They claim they aren’t “closet” champs. No, that’s going to be the American Males soon. There are more Slim Jim logos in one shot than people.
-Schiavone actually explains the Lifeguard Match as being a Lumberjack Match. Bobby and Tony have a good back and forth bickering about Savage’s tactics. Mean Gene interviews Ric Flair backstage. He brings up Elizabeth by name and that means Okerlund turn around to hide laughter while the Nature Boy stirs the pot about Space Mountain. This match’s promos have definitely been the highlight of the show thus far. He’s another MVP and the match may determine who takes it down.
-Fake Baywatch girls walk down and Heenan is shown on camera standing on his chair looking at them. He has a nice whistle, too. Arn Anderson, the Stud Stable and Duggan are shown in tye-dye shirts at ringside. Flair walks the aisle as Buffer introduces him. After a little wait, Savage walks out and finds his dad in the front row without his shirt, but still with his cane. I don’t want to see any of that. Buffer points out Savage’s spokesperson role in his introduction. Slim Jims are thrown in the crowd. Most of the undercard are “lifeguards” and I notice that because Harlem Heat are just bullshitting around.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: LIFEGUARD MATCH- Ric Flair vs Randy Savage
-Poor Kanyon is not pointed out on the lifeguard roll call by Tony. It’s all Savage with punches and clotheslines over the top to begin. The guards lumber around to get Flair back in.
-The camera accidentally gets close up on Bunkhouse Buck’s face and he makes a funny gesture as Flair starts chopping and dominating.
-Macho’s explosiveness and crispness on strikes stands out. He’s bealed out and rolls into the sand. It’s always annoying seeing the lumberjacks bicker over their job.
-Savage suplexes Flair from the apron to the floor. You never see Ric take a bump like that. You do see multiple slow backdrops, however.
-A blatant throw over the top is not a DQ? Flair tries to come off the top and he’s awkwardly CAUGHT by Savage, but it’s really just a trip. Ric’s jaw cracks his opponent’s head. He can’t get up for the corner flip either.
-The Figure Four is applied in the center of the ring and his dad is shown looking over some kid. The hold is reversed, but not for long. Flair follows up with an impressive delayed vertical suplex.
-Flair tries to escape, but the lifeguards return him. He takes a third back drop and double axe before Arn gets on the apron only to be punched down.
-The fourth back drop is over the top and the Nasty Boys catch him in mid-air. While the ref’s back is turned, Arn DDTs Savage. Flair covers and it’s only two. Anderson can’t even win matches he’s not in.
-Nature Boy goes to the top and gets CAUGHT again. Another top rope axe handle and Macho sets him up and takes it down.
WINNER: Randy Savage in 13:57 with a top rope elbow drop
-The face guards enter to celebrate with Randy. Flair escapes before another elbow drop as Bobby puts over Randy’s toughness for getting out of the DDT. A Baywatch girl gets a hug prior to his exit.
FINAL WORD: It wasn’t their best because it was repetitive, but it was solid nevertheless.
-Following the “Snap of the Match” replay, Tony discusses the “Roadkill Tour” of Vader coming out of the Dungeon of Doom. A montage of people getting beat up by Vader to Rey Mysterio’s future theme features the cities and carnage. These jobbers are getting destroyed by the once again dubbed “Big Van” Vader. The cage is already set up. That was impressive! Vader throws a chair into the room before his interview with Gene. He cuts a good promo about fighting for survival in LA as a youth and becomes the first person to call Hogan “Hollywood” as well as “brotha” a lot. One thing this show has is some strong promos. The match may give Vader an MVP chance.
-The commentators talk about their next PPV: Collision in Korea, but it won’t be my next WCW PPV. Thank God NJPW owns those rights. Mean Gene is a busy guy interviewing Jimmy Hart, a grunting Hulk Hogan and the debuting Dennis Rodman! He has an awkward line about the last time he was in the Detroit airport. Then, he wipes Hulk’s mouth in the middle of his promo. The Worm is an LVP before his more famous Bash at the Beach appearance in two years. All of it distracts me from a bonkers Hogan promo. He talks about sharks ripping Vader apart and calls Dennis “Rod the Bod” and “Rodney.” Apparently, Dennis will guard the cage door. He makes Ahmed Johnson sound totally normal with the couple of sentences he blurts out.
-Buffer makes his big introduction and hits his catchphrase as Vader enters. He has his helmet again! It looks like a monster in Big Bad Beetleborgs (and the reference challenge is done). He needs help taking it off to get into the cage. Someone is having a loud microphone issue at the announce table. Some real Baywatch stars lead Hulk Hogan and his posse out. There are so many members of the staff surrounding everyone. The champ gets the big, expected reaction as the hometown boy. He climbs into the cage and Tony explains that you can win by pin, submission or escaping the cage.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: WCW TITLE CAGE MATCH- Big Van Vader vs Hulk Hogan w/Jimmy Hart and Dennis Rodman (Champ)
-Vader takes three UNPROTECTED headers into the cage right away and Hulk stomps on him from the top rope. He always brings his working shoes to cage matches.
-Hulkster is sent into the cage and takes some safe “stiff” shots. He’s thrown into Vader’s helmet that was somehow allowed to sit in the corner. Vader ends up being thrown into his own helmet UNPROTECTED before Hulk puts the damn thing on! What a sight!
-A splash and two Vader Bombs only get a two count. Vader hits a sweet release suplex and stays standing for it. He’s fully an MVP threat now.
-A top rope senton misses, but I think Vader fucking was trying to do a shooting star?!?! He lands really weird. See for yourself!
-A slam attempt fails and a rest hold gives Hart time to annoyingly shouts encouragement. A sloppy clothesline turns the tide and the second slam is successful, but Hulk’s back is still hurt. Vader hits a second rope splash, but it triggers a Hulk up.
-Cage throws are blocked three times and it makes Vader look silly. At least he’s protecting himself when he hits the cage now. He doesn’t fall on a big boot, but a gut shot takes him down. The Dungeon comes down and Rodman throws Zodiac into the cage. He threatens them with a chair and causes the retreat.
-The leg drop lands, Hulk taunts to the crowd and he follows with another. He decides to exit the cage, but Vader catches up to him. The cage starts to peel and Vader slowly falls and crotches himself. That works for him, brother.
WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 13:15 to retain the title by escaping the cage
-Penzer’s voice cracks when announcing Hulk as the winner. Rodman raises his hand.
FINAL WORD: These two had a chemistry that I can’t explain. I’ve always liked their encounters.
-Bobby doesn’t know what to say and Tony starts to sign off. BUT WAIT!!! Ric Flair runs out to complain and the announcers act like they are off air and compliment each other’s broadcast before asking if this is still being recorded. Vader grabs Flair by the throat and Anderson tries to help, but gets run off. Ric goes over the top of the cage faster than anyone ever. Vader challenges both men to a handicap match into the camera, calling Flair “big nose” and Arn a “crony.” How about this face turn right before his exit? It’s sad this is his last WCW PPV appearance.
-The commentators are back on camera one more time recapping the scene. Rodman’s save and Hulk escaping the cage is replayed while the crowd disperses. That’s one good thing about a show on the beach: it’s easy to get out of there! Bobby gets out of there and we get one more wide shot before the credits roll.
THE LAST IMAGE: Wide Shot of the Ring and Beach
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: There has to be some pressure being the face of a PPV with your endorsement, but Randy Savage stepped up for the first real time in WCW with his promo, presence and carrying his match.
FINAL LVP of PPV: The Renegade is the smaller, white El Gigante. This might be the worst experiment of all time. He makes the biggest heels faces by proxy.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Hulk Hogan vs Big Van Vader
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Kamala vs Jim Duggan
FINAL THOUGHTS: The sunshine was too bright for this one. This was a dismal in-ring show, the crowd was up and down in their reactions and the heat could be a reason. It could also moreso be the uninspiring product at the moment. Cartoony heels, tired faces and gimmicky matches that weren’t brainstormed enough kills all of the (little) momentum the company had going.
NEXT TIME: Can we go two for two with In Your House? Two for two…twenty-two…divided by 2…11. But I said it twice. 11/11 FUCK!!!