Anyone in entertainment that becomes successful on a historic level has “that” moment. Michael Jackson had Thriller. Tom Hanks had the back-to-back combo of Philadelphia and Forrest Gump. Michael Jordan had 13 of them.
You can argue that, in the PPV that I am about to recap exhaustively, five men have “that” moment. You can probably guess four of them, but the fifth might be the most important of them all: Vince McMahon.
Sure, WrestleMania 1 was the bigger cultural moment overall. WrestleMania 3 was dropping the mic in a rap battle like a badass.
WrestleMania 3 was the first PPV of my existence and I can honestly say that I haven’t watched the entire event from beginning to end since I was a very small child.
Let’s see what all the hype is about.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER NINE- WWE WRESTLEMANIA III
Written on 7/3/14
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: MORE AWESOME JAZZ!!!! Vince knew his opening jazz. The WrestleMania III title is shown and a swipe cut reveals two billion people in Michigan (by Hogan’s count). Vince McMahon is in the ring with the Fink standing behind him looking around. They both have HUGE boners. In full blown Mr. McMahon voice, Vince introduces Aretha Franklin. Just like Ray Charles, Aretha gets an early MVP of the PPV. After the first verse, another patriotic montage plays, this time focusing on the working man. What a nice rendition of the song. The first match participants are in the ring.
-Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura check in from their skybox with Bob Uecker and Mary Hart. Hart is dressed like a female Jimmy Snuka. Wearing 100% snakeskin, Jesse has his arm around her.
-The ring bell sounds like hell.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: The Can-Am Connection vs Magnificent Muraco and Bob Orton Jr. w/Mr. Fuji
-I really want Randy Orton to get fat so he can look EXACTLY like his father.
-It is fun watching Tom Zenk’s first blown gig. I can feel Tito ready to pick up his scraps already.
-Muraco gets some good heat and Zenk hits a nice bodyscissors into a pin to start.
-Watching a double monkey flip is pretty cool. Zenk and Rick Martel look like freaking twins.
-R.I.P Joey Marella. He has been a better referee in two minutes than any of the crappy NWA refs.
-Gorilla calls Orton the “Excellence of Execution”. Bret is sitting in the back taking notes.
-The Battle of the Full Nelsons coming up soon is being buried because Zenk and Orton are trading them back and forth.
-The echoes of the bumps in the arena are epic.
-Muraco takes a Flair corner bump on a Martel hot tag.
-Double double dropkicks! This is a sweet ending.
WINNERS: Rick Martel pins Magnificent Muraco in 5:38 after a cross body/trip combination.
FINAL WORD: Was an opening tag match in the 80s always good? That was a pure delight.
-It doesn’t hurt that Gorilla and Jesse are decades ahead of any NWA commentary.
-The Hercules and Billy Jack Haynes rivalry is recapped. This would have made Chris Masters happy if he weren’t a little kid.
-Mean Gene is backstage with Hercules and Bobby Heenan. Heenan calls him Billy Jerk Haynes and I giggle. Hercules insinuates that he is the REAL Hercules and thousands of years old.
-RING CARTS FTW!!!! Haynes enters with more sequins on his jacket than a Vegas showgirl. These carts are moving! Hercules enters with Heenan, who might get motion sickness from these carts by the end of the night. 90,000 plus are chanting “Weasel”. The man was great at his job.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Billy Jack Haynes vs Hercules w/Bobby Heenan
-Dave Hebner gets in the middle of the action after 45 seconds, letting Herc get the advantage. #VintageHebner
-Jesse keeps talking about Gorilla’s career in the ring in 1932. Funny.
-Haynes hits an impressive overhead slam on Hercules early.
-Holy shit! Hercules hits his second nasty clothesline in as many PPVs. He continues to impress me. Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! (Crap…I guess I have to squeeze two more Nutty Professor references in now. At least I can turn to the Klumps if necessary).
-Every time Haynes take a bump, I imagine a balloon of cocaine popping inside of him.
-Herc’s first full nelson attempt isn’t fully locked in, but Haynes starts to fade anyway. He comes alive at the second arm drop like the Ultimate Warrior and both men hit a clothesline for a good break in the action.
-The crowd is actually into this. Nowadays, this lower mid-card match would have zero heat.
-Haynes’ full nelson attempt is locked on, but Hercules makes it to the rope and they both tumble outside.
-Haynes reapplies the full nelson outside. It’s been on for a few seconds now…
WINNER: Double Countout in 7:57
-Haynes begins to give chase to Heenan outside, but Hercules gets his chain and nails Haynes in the face. Haynes comes up bleeding and he takes several more shots to become even bloodier. Hercules slaps the full nelson on and Haynes looks fully buried. The crowd is quiet for this prolonged beatdown, but Hercules is heavily booed upon his exit.
-The replay allows us an even better chance to see Haynes gig.
FINAL WORD: For two meatheads that were obviously on the juice, that held my attention and entertained the masses. Kudos.
-Mean Gene is backstage with King Kong Bundy and his midgets. It is one angry ass promo, but it is good. He’s probably angry because he main evented last year.
-The heels enter in their cart and Little Tokyo and Lord Littlebrook look tickled pink to be involved. Bundy looks like he could eat one of these little fuckers.
-Mean Gene is backstage with Hillbilly Jim and his midgets. Jim expresses a deep concern for his “little buddies”. I know he is being sincere because he is so freaking nice. That is evident in the group hug.
-Little Beaver looks like a shrunken Wahoo McDaniel.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: King Kong Bundy, Little Tokyo and Lord Littlebrook vs Hillbilly Jim, Haiti Kid and Little Beaver
-Hillbilly Jim does a CARTWHEEL before the match starts. Move over, Aretha! Hillbilly Jim is the new MVP of the PPV.
-Haiti Kid is wrestling in slippers.
-Criss-cross followed by a rowboat. Classic midget action here.
-Uecker makes jokes like Jerry Lawler does now, but the difference is Uecker is invested in the action in the ring.
-Lord Littlebrook might be Peter Dinklage’s dad.
-Gorilla keeps laughing. It seems so earnest unlike Michael Cole.
-Little Beaver’s dropkick to Bundy did negative damage.
-Hillbilly hits a giant running elbow drop on Bundy. He then goes against his advice before the match and brings his partners in to help pin Bundy. It doesn’t work.
-If you look quickly, Beaver appears to be naked.
-MURDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WINNERS: Hillbilly Jim’s Team by DQ in 4:20 after King Kong Bundy bodyslams Little Beaver and elbows him.
-Tokyo, who is the LVP of the PPV for not doing anything of note, and Littlebrook have midget pride, helping Beaver before Bundy splashes him.
-Hillbilly holds Beaver like a dead fetus, which is essentially the type of joke Jesse just told.
FINAL WORD: I am always down to watch some midgets clowning around and then one gets annihilated.
-Mary Hart is backstage with Miss Elizabeth. Macho Man interrupts, hilariously. He keeps making the discussion about him. He claims his phone number is on his license plate. That is a good sign for him for the rest of this show.
-The Harley Race and JYD preview plays. It is all about JYD refusing to bow to Race. Mean Gene interviews Race, Heenan and the Fabulous Moolah, who is acting as Race’s queen. It doesn’t get more straightforward than this promo.
-Uecker is overwhelmingly excited about Moolah and leaves the booth. Race enters to the King music that sure as hell has gotten some use over the years.
-Gene interviews JYD. He says that “just as sure he is black, he will wear the crown after the match.” It’s time to hand me some Little Debbies! JYD enters and the crowd gives him the pop of the evening so far.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: LOSER BOWS MATCH- Harley Race w/Bobby Heenan and Fabulous Moolah vs Junk Yard Dog
-Some good punches to start. JYD chases Heenan and Race jumps him to temporarily gain the advantage.
-Race goes for a flying headbutt off the apron to the arena floor and he misses. That is why his family is alive.
-For the time, Race’s bumps are pretty lavish. Not bad for someone obviously past their prime.
-This has been the best JYD has looked on PPV. Everything he has done has been crisp, even his abdominal stretch.
-Race finally hits his headbutt and it does nothing because JYD’s head is harder than a Samoans.
-HHH is a stealing bastard. Race was thrown into the corner and went over the top rope just like Paul McMahon.
-A Heenan distraction pays dividends.
WINNER: Harley Race in 3:22 after a belly-to-belly suplex
-Race puts his robe on and sits down. JYD curtseys, bows and Race begins to celebrate. JYD delivers a sort of UNPROTECTED CHAIR SHOT TO THE HEAD to Race (I’m counting it on the list).
-JYD puts Race’s robe on and hilariously walks around, inspiring Booker T in the future. JYD exits with a big smile on his face, so happy to be involved like everyone else.
FINAL WORD: The heel gets the cheap victory, the babyface gets his heat back and everything looks solid. No complaints.
-Vince is backstage talking to Hulk Hogan. Oh boy…his promo makes no fucking sense. He is speaking about fury, mountains, his Harley, a last ride, gold and eyes. He talks about living and dying and facing the truth. This is not the Hogan I wanted to see. Vince looks disgusted, as if Hogan smells. Hogan continues to blabber about politics and Hulkamania being the purest truth. He is definitely the LVP of the PPV so far. That made ZERO sense.
-The Rougeaus are in the ring, wearing their beautiful jackets. Mean Gene interviews the Dream Team backstage alongside Johnny V and Dino Bravo. Beefcake is still an eyesore, Valentine’s robe is pretty sweet and Bravo’s jacket is available in Highspots’ Canada section right now.
-Gorilla mentions the Federettes. Jesse talks about being chased by them. Mel Phillips certainly hasn’t.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Fabulous Rougeaus vs The Dream Team w/Johnny V and Dino Bravo
-The Rougeaus hits a double dropkick and double leapfrog very early on.
-Jacques tries a springboard crossbody, but it backfires. I like the pace so far.
-Nice combo from the Dream Team. Beefcake hits a backbreaker immediately after a Valentine elbow from the top.
-Heenan joins the commentary table to toot his own horn about being 2-0 so far. Gorilla brings up Bundy and Heenan claims it doesn’t count because he wasn’t ringside because he doesn’t deal with midgets.
-Badass Rougeau Bomb after Beefcake accidentally hits Valentine. The ref gets distracted and Dino Bravo is the difference.
WINNERS: Greg Valentine pins Jacques Rougeau in 4:03 after Dino Bravo hits Jacques with an elbow from the second rope.
-Beefcake is left behind in anger by the other three heels. I must say that Johnny V’s skinny tie is ugly as hell.
FINAL WORD: I’m sad that was so short. The Rougeaus are going to keep getting the shaft.
-A video recapping Roddy Piper’s beef with Adrian Adonis is played. Piper is beat down in the Pit, then destroys the Flower Shop. Piper keeps taking the heat, getting into fisticuffs in the Pit, being put to sleep and sprayed by the atomizer.
-Piper cuts a very brief, angry promo. He calls Adonis the curtains in a Days Inn. Jimmy Hart and Adonis then ride to the ring. Adonis foregoes his feminine attire and just wears a sweet, long robe. Hart has a mirror and Adonis has hedge clippers.
-Now we get a Mean Gene interview with Adonis and Hart. Adonis knocks another promo out of the park. What a fantastic overall talent that gets no attention anymore.
-Piper says “Screw the cart!” He starts walking to the ring before realizing it is quite a trek and starts jogging. Gorilla and Jesse talk about Piper’s retirement.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: HAIR MATCH- Adrian Adonis w/Jimmy Hart vs Roddy Piper
-Hebner tries to ring the bell again after 40 seconds of nothing.
-Piper whips Adonis with a belt to start, then grabs Hart as the crowd goes crazy. Adonis gets his hands on the belt and gains the advantage.
-Hart and Piper play tug-of-war with Adonis’ arms. Piper catapults Hart into Adonis and both men go over the top rope. Hart has essentially been another legal participant in this match.
-Hart is pressed slam from the top rope onto Adonis. Shortly thereafter, Hart trips Piper and Adonis takes over. Jimmy Hart is the MVP of the PPV so far for his sheer effort and work thus far.
-I can see every bit of Adrian Adonis’ penis. I’m going to need Olivia Benson’s help.
-Nice touch: Adrian Adonis calls his sleeper “Goodnight Irene”.
-Piper eggs Adonis on to continue beating him down, but Hart sprays Piper in the face and Irene is slapped on.
-Adonis misjudges Piper’s arm and releases the sleeper even though Piper’s arm stays up on the third count. Beefcake runs out to help Piper for no reason in particular.
-Piper is resuscitated and send Adonis’s head into Hart and the clippers. And now I know how Piper got the sleeper as a finisher.
WINNER: Roddy Piper in 6:56 with a sleeper hold
-Beefcake immediately starts cutting Adonis’ hair. Was there any storyline reasoning for this or did Vince not trust Piper with scissors?
-After the deed is done, Piper shows Adonis his image in the mirror and he punches the mirror, going apeshit. Adonis and Hart leave in shame as Piper celebrates. A fan jumps in the ring and gets a hug and hair tussle from Piper before security owns him. Piper leaves on the cart “one last time”. Yeah, right. I get a quick glimpse of Pat Patterson with darker hair.
FINAL WORD: A hot match with a hot story and the right mix of people. More time would have made this even more incredible.
-Gorilla is shown with Mary and Uecker. Gorilla mentions that Jesse wanted to be introduced to the live crowd. The Fink does introduce Jesse and I notice that Jimmy Hart did a ridiculously quick wardrobe change as he enters with the Hart Foundation and Danny Davis, who is “making his wrestling debut” after his lifetime refereeing ban. Jesse has something in his cleft chin.
-Mean Gene interviews the Harts and Davis. The only highlight is Bret and Neidhart playing with Davis like a small child.
-The Bulldogs and Tito Santana enter in the cart along with Matilda. Man, that dog looks miserable.
-Matilda enters the ring and tries to chew the shit out of Jimmy Hart. A free for all develops before the bell ends with Davey Boy throwing Davis over the top rope onto the Hart Foundation.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: The Hart Foundation and Danny Davis w/Jimmy Hart vs The British Bulldogs and Tito Santana
-Jesse leaves ringside with Matilda. The commentators insinuate that Jesse is going to have sex with the dog.
-Mary Hart and Bob Uecker are very good for celebrities on the microphone. They are knowledgeable, exciting and not named Susan St. James.
-Bret is called the “Master of Execution”. It doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it will do for now.
-Bret Hart notoriously thinks chops are stupid, but that full steam run into the turnbuckle isn’t brilliant either.
-Gorilla just called Bret the Excellence. Make up your mind, Gino!
-Davis tags into the match. He delivers two boots, tags out and draws massive heat.
-Mary says Dynamite might be called Firecracker if he doesn’t turn this around. That was cleverer than anything said into a headset in all of 2013.
-Davis is catapulted in the ring by Bret, but Dynamite gets his knees up. Tito gets the hot tag and unloads on Davis. The crowd is hot for the crooked ref getting beat finally.
-JUMPING TOMBSTONE by Davey Boy Smith on Davis. That is followed by a long, stalling suplex. Davis is already selling dead. Davey then unleashes his running powerslam. That onslaught of offense makes Davey Boy Smith the new MVP of the PPV.
-A Pier 6 brawl develops and Jimmy Hart slips in a foreign object. That is how you keep this going.
WINNERS: Danny Davis pins Davey Boy Smith in 8:51 after hitting him with Jimmy Hart’s megaphone.
FINAL WORD: Set it up and knock them down. That was a very eventful six man match that wouldn’t look out of place today.
-Mean Gene interviews Heenan and Andre the Giant. Heenan is already in his sweet white suit. He proceeds to put Andre over even better than just looking at Andre will do.
-Slick is in the ring with a cheap ass suit. The second wrestler from Kansas City on this show is introduced, Butch Reed. A weird song, maybe sung by Bobby Brown, plays and Koko B. Ware comes out with Frankie. The song isn’t Piledriver sadly. I imagine Koko is Jack Hanna’s favorite wrestler.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: Butch Reed w/Slick vs Koko B. Ware
-Jesse namedrops Barry Blaustein. That is pretty important. He also reps the WrestleMania 3 shirt and flexes because nobody cares what is happening in the ring.
-Butch Reed…THAT’S NOT YOUR HAIR!!! TAKE THAT PILE OF SHIT OFF YOUR HEAD!!! (It isn’t Dave Chappelle’s shit locks, but it’s still ridiculous.)
-Jesse says the B stands for Buckwheat. Funny if not racist.
-Reed keeps complaining during the start of the match. Koko hits a beautiful dropkick shortly thereafter and a cartwheel that isn’t as good as Hillbilly Jim’s.
-Frankie keeps getting love from the camera. It’s probably because this hasn’t been great so far. It is a well behaved bird, though.
-Butch Reed is awkward. He’s like the black Don Muraco. LVP of the PPV so far.
-This just didn’t get enough time to be anything at all.
WINNER: Butch Reed in 3:39 after rolling through a cross body and pulling Koko’s tights.
-Slick attacks Koko with his cane after the match. Tito Santana comes to the rescue and tries to disrobe Slick. Reed receives the 43rd double dropkick of the night.
-The replay consists of nothing but Tito’s attack on Slick.
FINAL WORD: I’m sure it could be okay if it weren’t so short-sheeted. Vince keeping the man down…
-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HERE WE GO!!!!!!! The stage is set for Savage vs Steamboat as the video plays of Liz kidnapped by George Steele and Savage crushes Steamboat’s larynx.
-The classic Savage promo pre-match airs. I love the quote, “History beckons the Macho Man”. He now enters with Elizabeth to a great pop, which Gorilla acknowledges.
-Gene interviews Steamboat as he does his martial arts stuff. Ricky cuts his best promo ever because he actually displays passion. He enters the arena without the sweet Sirius bootleg from the last show. That sucks. A weird song plays instead, but it isn’t important because the crowd pops even bigger for Steamboat than Savage.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: IC TITLE MATCH- Randy Savage (Champion) w/Miss Elizabeth vs Ricky Steamboat w/George Steele
-The match has a typical Savage start: moving Elizabeth at ringside.
-The pace is so obviously quicker than anything we’ve seen on PPV so far. I can see the rehearsed nature of it, though.
-Steamboat’s heavy leverage wristlock doesn’t get as much love in photos as the chokelift.
-Instead of “Shave Your Back” chants like A-Train received, Steele should have received “Trade Your Back” chants.
-Did Hogan steal “You!” from George Steele?
-Hebner keeps screaming bloody murder at Steele at ringside. Hebner is a dick to a possible retard.
-Arm drags! Tackles! Two counts! Knees! WORKRATE! (No sarcasm at all; it’s hard to write notes during this).
-Jesse sarcastically calls Steele a Rhodes Scholar and Gorilla says that the Animal always speaks highly of him. Jesse retorts that Steele can’t speak.
-Steamboat takes a big bump into the crowd over a ringside table.
-The Miz should just watch hours of tapes of Randy Savage just doing flying axe handles.
-I love that Savage is attempting a pinfall after every offensive move.
-Macho always takes the highest angle possible when he flies over the top rope.
-Steamboat jumps over Dave Hebner for a chop and a 2.99999999 count before Savage gets his foot on the bottom rope. The crowd really bought that.
-It’s great to see people in the crowd continually standing up for the two counts.
-I want to call a MVP of the PPV, but I just can’t pick one. I might be Dave Hebner because he looks SPENT.
-Nevermind, Hebner’s pinball bump into the corner was comically bad.
-I’m calling it: Randy Savage is the MVP of the PPV. His offense has been better and more diverse. His picture perfect elbow drop sealed it.
-With the ref still down, Savage gets the ring bell, which is stolen by Steele briefly. Macho nails him with a kick and goes to attack Steamboat again, but Steele puts the only blemish on this match with his interference.
-That pop, though…
WINNER: Ricky Steamboat in 14:36 to win the IC Title after a small package
-Steamboat and Steele celebrate in the cart for their exit. Macho sells devastation on his exit and the crowd throws some trash at him. He came out of this match looking like a bigger heel, yet became a made man anyway. Yep…MVP.
FINAL WORD: The classic everyone knows and loves. The only thing I can think of now because of the fall out is “Why couldn’t Ricky Steamboat just miss Richie’s birth?!?!?!”
-Mean Gene interviews Jake Roberts and Alice Cooper. They show the ungimmicked guitar shot on the Snake Pit and I immediately get the urge to do drugs, too. Jake’s promo isn’t a typical one because I am not creeped out afterwards.
-Jesse and Gorilla puts the previous match over huge as Jake and Alice enter. Again, every celebrity was used to perfection in this show.
-Mean Gene interviews the Honky Tonk Man and Jimmy Hart. Honky is in his sweet white and gold outfit. The promo is long, drawn out and thankfully cut off.
-Cool, Cocky and Bad isn’t played!?!?! I’m not sure what song this is, but it stinks.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: Jake Roberts w/Alice Cooper vs Honky Tonk Man w/Jimmy Hart
-Jake jumps Honky before the bell and I think this is the last match Honky Tonk Man was in shape.
-One minute in, the crowd is chanting DDT already.
-The referee keeps getting in the camera’s way. Dummy.
-Damien is really moving in that bag. Meanwhile, Honky gets hit with the short arm clothesline, but avoids the DDT.
-Jake slams into the post really hard and then stumbles even harder into the guardrail.
-While Jake sells, these two Persian guys mug for the camera hard.
-I’m surprised the crowd is so up for this after the IC Title match. It shows what good angles, talent and promotion can do.
-Jake’s comeback is pretty standard. I was expecting more psychology.
-Honky does the Harley Race/Terry Funk rocking chair sell. Must have been a Southern thing.
-The finger wag to set up the DDT is so over.
-The ref is watching Hart hold Jake’s leg! Come on, you blind bastard! #BeingAMark
WINNER: Honky Tonk Man in 7:03 with a roll up while holding the ropes.
-Jake chases Honky after the match and destroys a guitar on the ring post. Honky proceeds to leave Jimmy Hart.
-Alice shows his scrawny arms while Jake holds Hart for Damien. Alice just sort of holds the snake up towards Hart without doing anything else. Jake says “Screw it” and grabs the snake, throwing it onto Hart.
-Upon their exit, Damien appears dead.
FINAL WORD: This was a clash of styles, but it might just be Honky Tonk Man not being a good worker.
-The Fink introduces Mean Gene to a good pop. Okerlund talks about the history of the building and announces a new indoor attendance record of 93,173. “Bullshit,” say some. “I don’t care,” I say. Jesse talks about this show breaking the Rolling Stone record in New Orleans.
-It is weird seeing Slick with Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik. I have to suffer through this goddamn anthem again until Jim Duggan makes a beeline for the ring, interrupting the proceedings and hitting Sheik with the 2X4. Hacksaw has a mini American flag on his 2X4 for no reason. The Killer Bees enter and I notice they sort of look like a lesbian couple.
MATCH NUMBER ELEVEN: The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff w/Slick vs The Killer Bees w/Jim Duggan
-The do-see-do by the Sheik and Volkoff doesn’t pay off. That actually happened.
-It is fun watching Sheik versus Blair because a felony could happen any moment.
-There are so many cans and wrappers in the ring because the audience has thrown them.
-Jim Brunzell’s dropkick is gorgeous.
-Trash is still being thrown. It’s probably because Nikolai is on offense now and it blows as usual.
-Volkoff slaps on the bearhug. He just gets worse and worse. He is a stale wine. LVP of the PPV at this moment.
-Move aside, Tazz. Sheik is the master of the suplex.
-The referee misses the hot tag for the babyfaces. The crowd hasn’t been invested in the action, so Sheik taunts the crowd to get a reaction.
-Hacksaw starts to chase Volkoff outside as Sheik slaps on the Camel Clutch in the ring. Hacksaw has to get another shot in.
WINNERS: Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff by DQ in 5:44 when Jim Duggan hits Sheik with the 2X4
-Man, Jim Duggan sounds like a dolt. I think he needed the USA chants to get over. Just guessing.
FINAL WORD: The Iron Sheik has saved two WrestleMania matches from being utter crap. Think about that.
-Mean Gene is with Andre and Heenan again. This time, Andre cuts a short, but sweet promo. Heenan takes over and is super excited. They play the lead up to this match with the brotherly relationship between the two shown, including Hogan saving Andre in LEATHER PANTS. Maybe they were SPANDEX…ALL SPANDEX (Eddie Murphy conquered like Charlie Sheen and Jim Carrey!) Hogan’s acting in Piper’s Pit makes Suburban Commando look like Taxi Driver.
-Mean Gene is with Hogan, who is completely cycled up for this match. I think he snuck into Michigan or doesn’t know how to talk in the present because he speaks about the 90K OUTSIDE the building. The promo is a little like a supervillain and closes with Hogan making stupid noises during his poses. Hulk Hogan is the LVP of the PPV again because he isn’t doing what he did at WrestleMania 2: being focused and normal.
-Uecker is introduced to the live crowd and rides the cart to the ring. Jesse quickly says hello to his kids at home like he was prone to do a lot. Uecker introduces Mary Hart as the timekeeper. She rides out and Jesse and Gorilla crack some jokes, but it is directly related to the proceedings and not stupid crap like JBL and Cole. I think they ribbed Jack Lanza by making him help Mary Hart into the ring.
-Boos start flying and the trash really starts flying as Andre and Heenan enter. Andre smiles and seems proud of what he has accomplished in this moment, even as he is pelted with garbage.
-Hulk says “fuck the cart!” He marches to the ring and Jesse runs through the tale of the tape quickly. Hogan calmly rips his shirt off in the corner and the stare off commences. Hogan can’t stop shaking and Andre just stands there like the Boss that he is.
MATCH NUMBER TWELVE: WWF TITLE MATCH- Andre the Giant w/Bobby Heenan vs Hulk Hogan (Champion)
-Early on, Hogan tries to slam Andre and the Giant collapses on him. Hogan kicks out at two, but Joey Marella stills slaps the mat for the third time. Remember that.
-Hogan is selling agony constantly. Andre acts super confident as he steps over Hogan’s back.
-Fifteen seconds elapse after each spot. Andre picks Hogan up by his waistband and I notice that Andre is having a good time being a bad guy.
-Hogan comes back with some punches, chops and ramming Andre’s head in the corner. Andre gets the advantage back with a big boot.
-I get that this isn’t catch-as-catch-can wrestling, but it certainly isn’t deplorable like everyone makes it out to be.
-As soon as I write that, the bearhug is applied. For Andre the Giant, the move makes sense, at least.
-The bearhug is reaching its second minute. Hogan’s acting keeps getting worse as he fades in the hold. He gets up at three, but the crowd thought it might be over.
-Hogan uses over a dozen punches to break Andre’s grip. He tries two tackles, but a big chop from Andre puts Hogan on the defense again.
-Andre hits Hogan in the stomach with a big boot. He doesn’t have the flexibility of Test.
-The battle continues outside and an obvious camera edit occurs to miss Andre’s bad botch headbutting the ring post/getting his hand blatantly up.
-Hogan exposes the concrete and tries a stupid fucking piledriver on ANDRE THE GIANT. Andre counters and Hogan sloppily takes a backdrop.
-Hogan finally knocks Andre down with a clothesline. Hulk up!!! The crowd goes crazy and it happens: Hulk Hogan bodyslams the 18 million pound Andre the Giant in front of every person that has teeth in the world in 1987.
-Legdrop. Buried.
WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 12:07 to retain the title after a legdrop
-Hogan thanks the Big Guy upstairs (not Ryback) and Uecker announces the winner. Hogan encourages Andre to come back in the ring to keep fighting, but the heels dejectedly leave. Heenan is forlorn and Andre is yelling.
FINAL WORD: The importance of the match and the overall feeling cancels out the bowling shoe ugly aspects of it. That said, all you really have to watch is the last 30 seconds of this match.
-Hogan starts his posing routine and I have to let him slide on LVP of the PPV on this show. The bodyslam is that important. Although, the little dance he just added to his posing makes me think otherwise.
-Hogan celebrates so long that Real American has to start over. Jesse and Gorilla are still able to entertainingly chat while this happens. Hogan finally leaves on the cart and has an aneurysm because he just realized he actually slammed Andre.
-On camera, Jesse and Gorilla wrap up the show. They mention the IC Title again and say that it is fitting to close out with Aretha Franklin. America the Beautiful plays again as stills from the show are shown.
THE LAST IMAGE: Hulk Hogan posing. It sort of looks like he has an invisible dick in his hand.
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: Oh yeah…it’s Randy Savage. Pun intended.
FINAL LVP of PPV: Because Hulk Hogan got the reprieve, I have to resort to the previous loser and that is Nikolai Volkoff. I’ll allow it.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: Ricky Steamboat vs Randy Savage
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Butch Reed vs Koko B. Ware
FINAL THOUGHT: Hype fulfilled. Everything serves a great purpose. The crowd is awesome. The in-ring action is solid and a precursor to a new generation about to bloom. As it turns out, the smoke up our ass about this show is warranted. MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: I get to choose between the first Survivor Series and Starrcade 1987 because they occur on the same day. Excuse me while I go watch those crazy Klumps.