My process under this new system of bringing you retro PPV diaries is going to yield some very interesting stories. To give you some background, I include the date that I watch the show, but I don’t write the intro until it comes down to transcribe my chicken scratch to the computer. Based on how ahead of schedule I am, you aren’t reading this until months after the fact.
So, this show was viewed in early July, it was typed one month later and you are reading it in November.
In the 30 days since I’ve watched this show, one of the celebrities on this show has passed away, one competitor admitted to murdering someone in his past and Donald Trump is still screwing up the world while he’s an audience member in the midst of a really screwed up America.
I’m afraid to know what will have taken place by the time you are reading this.
Oh yeah, it’s WrestleMania! This intro is almost an allegory for this show: at no point did Vince McMahon know what this show would look like at any time. The venue changed. The storylines were controversial as hell. There’s a lot of changes afoot in the wrestling world in 1991 and there’s a lot of changes afoot in the world now. I’m not even considering the fact that this show features the most deceased competitors of all time at one point either.
Let’s just live in the now and try to enjoy, huh?
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 39- WWF WRESTLEMANIA VII
Written on 7/10/20
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: Some stars and stripes along with a drum beat. Then, a GRUNTING Sgt. Slaughter. The WrestleMania music of the time (not Linda McMahon’s theme) plays as a superimposed face-to-face of the main event participants is shown as a throaty Vince introduces the show live NOT in the Coliseum. The people there are amped.
-Willie Nelson, complete with foam children’s belt around his waist, sings America the Beautiful. He’s decked out in a Mania sweatshirt and Bret Hart sunglasses, too. Gorilla Monsoon is standing at ringside as clips of American shit begin. Willie is very pitchy. Here I am shitting on a legend. Gorilla finally welcomes us to the “Star Spangled WrestleMania” and welcomes his partner for the first match: HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN. OMG WHYYYYYYYY. Out comes this fucking doofus dressed like Uncle Sam. He can barely cut a promo! Why is he calling matches? He nods his head as Gorilla talks about the two main events and his hat is hanging on for dear life. He still HOOOOOOOs after bits of analysis and shouts. Well, there’s another LVP for Duggan. Nobody has been more overrated and worthless ever.
-Sean Mooney is backstage with the Rockers before their “biggest challenge to date” in Barbarian and Haku. Marty Jannetty isn’t good at talking and Shawn Michaels isn’t either, but he’s still miles ahead. I like the match graphics they show before the bouts. The Fink intros Bobby Heenan and the heels already in the ring. Haku is rocking a different look in black gear. The Rockers get a good pop. Duggan is doing an impression of Rich Camillucci’s impression of him.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: The Barbarian and Haku w/Bobby Heenan vs The Rockers
-Shawn and Haku start with some decent back and forth. A bearhug and an odd jump by Haku on taking a tackle mess Shawn up.
-A beautiful double inside out sell on a double clothesline by Barbarian on the Rockers. They get up too quickly and hit superkicks to send the heels to the floor.
-Duggan has said “no question about it” 46 times already. He’s like a Hanna Barbera everything. It’s Snagglepuss on speed.
-The highlight of Marty vs Barbarian is a powerbomb set up blocked by a Michaels dropkick and hurricanrana.
-They try the spot again with Haku and the ref stops Shawn. Barbarian comes in and jumps over the top rope to Stun Gun Marty. That was an excellent spot.
-The crowd is loud enough early to shake the camera. Barbarian is on the MVP radar with a pump on a gorilla press slam.
-Haku and Marty each try a cross body and collide in mid-air. Marty falls on top for a two count and Haku answers with 2 good backbreakers.
-A bearhug slows it down and the crowd is still yakked. A loud “WEASEL” chant breaks out.
-The crowd loves Barbarian’s power moves and his high flying headbutt, which misses. HBK gets the hot tag and launches some back elbows and punches. A near fall makes Duggan make a hilarious noise.
-All four guys are in; Barbarian eats a double dropkick and Haku takes a double clothesline.
-Marty gets a missile dropkick in and Shawn finishes it.
WINNERS: The Rockers in 10:35 when Shawn Michaels pins Haku with a top rope cross body.
FINAL WORD: The Rockers’ streak continues with another awesome match kicking off the show.
-Heenan will join the commentary team now and Duggan is leaving! There is a God! He HOOOOOS until the next camera cut backstage. I reiterate the LVP from earlier. Mean Gene is backstage with Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and Marla Maples. Look at these three pros and a succubus. Regis messes up Hulk’s name and says he’s scared of Earthquake. Gene calls him beautiful. That segues to Marla and she’s already LVP worthy in her two lines of absolute nothingness. I’m calling it the way that I see it. Of course she’s just the timekeeper. Trebek calls Gene “Jim” and it may be a bit? If so, it’s better than the bit about Jeopardy and questions that follows. This is a basement level celebrity segment.
-Dino Bravo’s music plays as Bobby Heenan blows Duggan away on commentary within five seconds. We are officially in the era of him on commentary, folks! I’m ecstatic. Dino runs around before the Texas Tornado’s theme leads him out from another odd curtain in the building entrance like Survivor Series. The faces are very over on this show.
MATCH NUMBER TWO: Dino Bravo w/Jimmy Hart vs The Texas Tornado
-Dino jumps Tornado before the bell. Kerry gets clotheslined over the top and I’m shocked he landed on his one foot.
-Dino is so sloppy with jumping bumps and a rough looking atomic drop.
-Gorilla and Bobby are bickering about the counts already and I’m so happy. Tornado kicks out of Dino’s side suplex finish and then hits a rough looking shot from the second rope. Dino has somehow passed Duggan quickly as LVP.
-Heenan starts telling jokes about Big Boss Man’s mom and Tornado puts the claw on for several seconds. He hits the rope for his finisher? That can’t be way it was sold so poorly.
WINNER: The Texas Tornado in 3:10 with a discus punch.
FINAL WORD: With a garbage filler wrestler like Dino Bravo, you’re going to get a garbage filler match.
-Gorilla sends it to Sean Mooney and Heenan says “who?” It cuts to The Warlord WAY TOO CLOSE UP along with Slick. Slick’s promo is whatever and then the Warlord talks! I’ve never heard that before! I’m slack jawed. He may be better than Slick! Mean Gene interviews the British Bulldog and Matilda 2.0 kneeling. Davey Boy Smith acts like the dog, Winston, told him something. Yikes. His promo is all about breaking the Warlord’s full nelson. Does that mean the Warlord is Chris Masters Prime?
-Fink introduces Slick and the Warlord in the ring. The heels are getting zero entrances. The Bulldog enters with his “mascot” and I’m shocked how over everyone is. These were simpler times.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: The Warlord w/Slick vs The British Bulldog
-Gorilla is great at previewing the power vs power match and Heenan is great calling the Bulldog’s physique “not bad” against the Warlord. We get the Immovable Object vs Irresistible Force line and the Warlord is definitely the object.
-A crucifix attempt is blocked by a Warlord Samoan Drop and he follows it up with three elbows.
-“Bulldog might have a broken rib. He can borrow a bone from that ugly mutt” “WILL YOU STOP?!?!” Make them both MVPs.
-Warlord slaps on bearhug number two and he’s tired as fuck. He hits a Stun Gun and a belly to belly soon after. Who is this new, decent Warlord? A long chinlock answers my question.
-A dropkick, some punches and a weird second rope shot by Bulldog. Nobody can come off that rope cool. He follows up with a good sunset flip. These two are surpassing all expectations.
-Warlord locks in the full nelson and Gorilla points out that his fingers aren’t locked. Bulldog powers out after a long time and the Warlord is shocked.
-Bulldogs gets him up and holds him there. Warlord has to be a dick and kick out at 3.5.
WINNER: The British Bulldog at 8:15 with a running powerslam.
FINAL WORD: The beef hasn’t aged passed the expiration date yet.
-Mean Gene interviews the Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart. They look years older in just a couple months since their NWA stint. Knobbs calls the Hart Foundation “stink and pink” and that makes my mind wander places I don’t want. They take Gene’s hanky and blow their noses in it. THEY ARE NASTY, GET IT?!?!?!
-Mooney interviews the Hart Foundation. Jim Neidhart says something about “crack the foundation” and I’ll pass on my comment. Bret Hart wraps it up well enough. Back live to Gorilla and Bobby summarizing the promos as the Nasty Boys enter with Jimmy Hart and a stupid ass helmet. I’m sure that’s not going to be important. I do love his airbrush jacket, though. The Hart Foundation get the pop of the night so far. WOW, Bret was the right choice, huh? It is thunderous. This hasn’t felt like a Mania, but the crowd has helped. Macaulay Culkin is shown in the crowd and I thought Gorilla didn’t know who he was by calling him a “youngster”, but he makes a Home Alone pun and I’m wrong.
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: TAG TITLE MATCH- The Nasty Boys w/Jimmy Hart vs The Hart Foundation (Champs)
-Sags and Bret start. You know, the workhorses.
-Bret dominates both men for over two minutes. Super Bret!
-Neidhart and Knobbs means Knobbs bumps his ass off. Man, just cut down on the pork rinds for the next ten years and you’re an all-time team.
-Gorilla calls a Russian Leg Sweep a neckbreaker. Meanwhile, Bret already has his routine down.
-Bret starts taking the heat and Heenan makes fun of Gorilla by saying Bret is taking it in a very exaggerated body part.
-Two long Camel Clutch-style rest holds by each Nasty gets the crowd clapping.
-Bret hits a legit neckbreaker, but can’t make the hot tag in time. Back to the chinlock and Bret counters with Knobbs on his back. Think the disgusting Vader/Cactus Jack bump.
-The tag is missed by the ref and Knobbs hits Sags by accident with the megaphone. Anvil then gets the hot tag. He slams Knobbs into Sags’ arms and dishes out clotheslines galore.
-A chase develops on the floor and the Nasty Boys collide. Jimmy Hart gets knocked down. The faces hit the Hart Attack, but Bret is knocked to the floor.
-I told you that helmet was going to be important.
WINNERS: The Nasty Boys in 12:10 to win the titles when Brian Knobbs pins Jim Neidhart after Jerry Sags hits Neidhart with the motorcycle helmet.
FINAL WORD: That was good, but a letdown compared to what I’ve seen from each team in previous encounter. The finish drained the energy from the crowd, too.
-An recap from all the way back in October plays for the Jake Roberts/Rick Martel feud. Jake gets blinded and Brother Love takes an accidental DDT. Jake’s eyes look crazy. Tito Santana takes one on accident six weeks later and Jake sells all of this very over the top.
-Jake cuts a promo about your senses and we get a close up of his eyes. It’s very brief and I think there’s an edit because the Model is already in the ring. He doesn’t get as much heat as I’d expect. Jake enters and this is it for him as a face in this era. Two referees hold two bags containing two hoods. The commentators argue over who the crowd will help. I can already tell they can see out of those damn things.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: BLINDFOLD MATCH- Rick Martel vs Jake Roberts
-Why don’t you just BOLT to the other corner at the bell? Instead, the crowd has to do all of the work. They are here for it, but I am not.
-Martel is crawling, Jake finds him and gets tripped up, but there is no count for some reason.
-An Irish Whip and Jake changes directions on the rebound. Okay, that’s hilarious. Heenan is doing a good job trying to put this over.
-This is such a stupid comedy match for such a serious angle.
-Martel hits a bodyslam, tries to follow up and Jake is already up. That gets big laughs from the crowd.
-Jake claps to attract Martel’s attention, then swoops around the other way to get a go-behind. Man, even in this garbage, he tries to have psychology.
Martel finds Damien and freaks out. Jake bumps to the floor. Martel grabs a chair and does a bad air poking routine.
-Martel hits a backbreaker and Boston Crab finally, but it’s powered out of quickly.
-The two men go back to back; Jake hits the move we’ve all been waiting for and we have to wait a few seconds while he finds him for the cover.
WINNER: Jake Roberts in 8:34 with a DDT
-Jake looks legitimately relieved that is over. That’s a rare genuine smile. He smashes the Arrogance atomizer and gets Damien. He throws it onto Martel, who bails quickly.
FINAL WORD: Don’t do blindfold matches!!!! They suck!!! The live crowd was fine with it, but it’s such a dud at home.
-Marla Maples is with the Nasty Boys celebrating. Sags gets way too close to her face. The gross champagne bash is joined by Earthquake, Dino Bravo and The Mountie. It’s just loud shouting and Maples acts more disgusted than she is when under Trump.
-Jimmy Snuka’s theme plays and he’s already in the ring, about to be a stat. GONG and he’s already getting pops. Paul Bearer and the urn!!! Now it’s a WrestleMania!!! Kids are SCARED. I can’t get over the ovation he’s getting. Is Undertaker that cool or is it more “fuck Snuka?”
MATCH NUMBER SIX: Jimmy Snuka vs The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer
-Death stare to start. Heenan is good with his conjecture about what is in the urn.
-Taker hits an impressive clothesline and I can’t reiterate enough how over he is here. It’s jarring.
-Snuka can’t get any momentum. Bearer is much more Percy Pringle in his voice and tone so far.
-Snuka ducks an elbow and hits some strikes and headbutts that get no sold. Taker ducks a dive and Snuka gets draped on the top rope.
-Snuka tries a springboard, but trips and Taker catches him and tries to deadlift him into position! He has to put him down, but that was supposed to be the dope ass finish.
-Tombstone rating: Snuka ducked his head, but the camera zoom helped. Official decision: DEAD. He’s 2 for 2.
WINNER: The Undertaker in 4:19 with a tombstone
-Heenan can’t believe how impressive and dominant Taker is. The crowd respects it, too.
FINAL WORD: What an incredible sign of things to come.
-The Ultimate Warrior/Randy Savage feud is recapped all the way back to the night after Survivor Series. The Royal Rumble events are shown in full and we’re back live for an unprecedented career-ending match. These two don’t get promos? Heenan notices Miss Elizabeth in the crowd. It sets the stage…even though he saw it from YARDS away.
-Macho Man and Queen Sherri are carried out by jobbers. Gorilla is so great at putting over how big this match is. Savage’s gear is iconic. The Warrior’s music hits and he WALKS to the ring. That’s a powerful touch. Heenan picks up on it immediately. Another iconic look despite the unnecessary close up of his ass and tights with a belt painted on saying “means much more than this.”
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: CAREER THREATENING MATCH- Randy Savage w/Queen Sherri vs Ultimate Warrior
-A lot of posing and taunting to the crowd to start.
-Macho is bumping everywhere already. To the floor, on clotheslines and atomic drops. Sherri has already taken a bump, too!
-VLADIMIR!
-Macho is easily caught in mid-air from a cross body, Warrior puts him down and gets slapped. Savage powders and the tension is palpable. Macho throws a chair in the ring to distract Warrior.
-Big miss in the corner by Warrior. Sherri slaps him behind the ref’s back. Chyna was a pioneer, but Sherri laid the ground work as Warrior sells for her well. He pushes her and Savage hits the axe handle.
-Randy kicks out of a backslide and hocks a major loogie at Warrior. Warrior comes off the ropes several times, but misses a shoulder attack. A chin lock calms things down.
-Good back and forth action before a classic double clothesline double down. Sherri is way too involved for my liking. She’s always on the apron and shit. Warrior gets a 10 count on a small package, but the ref misses it and Savage kicks out at 2. He gets up and knees Warrior into the ref.
-Sherri accidentally hits Macho with her shoe off the top rope. Warrior chases her and Macho catches him with a roll up for a good two count. Bobby is losing his voice. He’s so into it.
-Macho Man hits his patented elbow. He gets back up and hits it again. He gets back up and hits it again! HE GETS BACK UP AND HITS IT AGAIN!!! HE GETS BACK THE FUCK UP AND HITS IT FUCKING AGAIN!!! I’ll be nervous after the ninth elbow. Should my reference challenge be masturbatory and related to Podswoggle’s WrestleMania podcasts? Sure! An incredibly close two count and the place is going insane.
-Warrior Hulks up and hits three clotheslines. Liz is shown worried. Who is more spent: Warrior or Earl Hebner?
-Press slam, splash and kick out!!! Warrior looks to the heavens asking what else he can do. It’s such a great story and the first finisher kick out match. Warrior looks at his hands and this is the only time his BS made any sense.
-Warrior goes to leave. Gorilla and Bobby know he thinks it’s his destiny. Macho hits Warrior while he’s on the apron. What the fuck are Hogan and Slaughter thinking right now?
-Savage tries a dive onto Warrior, pushes Sherri away and eats a punch and the rail. Warrior is back and amped.
-Warrior’s tackle send Macho flying out of the ring twice. On the third time, Macho is out, selling dead. Warrior puts his foot on his chest. Heenan: “oh my God, no!”
WINNER: Ultimate Warrior at 20:47 with a third shoulder tackle.
FINAL WORD: That is named in many greatest Mania match circles and it is definitely number two or three from this era. Along with Lex Luger, Ultimate Warrior gets a bad rep for his ring work.
-The commentators give it some room to breath before chiming in again. Sherri throws the ref out of the ring and berates Savage, kicking him while he’s down. The moment is ruined when I see Trump sitting in the front row talking to someone. I’m back when Liz runs in and throws Sherri out by the hair. She tries to hep Macho up and he fights her off because he doesn’t know who it is. He gets to his feet, threatens a punch and stops. Heenan isn’t using hyperbole: everyone is standing. Finally…the hug! There are tears in my eyes and legit in people’s eyes in the crowd. Poetry. Just end all of it there. WrestleMania, both of their careers and both of their lives. All of it. I’m tempted to throw in all three famous crying GIFs here, but I won’t. Heenan: “all of their shoes are too tight!” Liz holds the ropes open for Macho, the crowd has says “NO!” Savage agrees and holds them open for her. Trump boos. Macho takes a second to celebrate. Man, good luck following that.
-Intermission, then a preview of the three big matches still upcoming. Gorilla and Bobby talk about the IC Title affair and Bobby says “we know how to handle law and order in L.A.” I don’t think that comment has aged well. They deliver a good recap of the show and Heenan has a great final line: “I’d rather have money that a skirt.”
-Regis interview Undertaker and Paul Bearer. He asks questions to no answer except Taker giving Paul measurements. Taker saying random numbers is hilarious to me. We cut to Trebek with Demolition and Mr. Fuji. Trebek is a natural at this. Crush seems to dig Alex’s Jeopardy references. Smash puts over Fuji and Fuji calls his opponents “Japs” and Alex immediately wants out. We cut back to Regis with Kitao and Tenryu. He asks more questions without answers. What’s the point of this besides racism? WCW treated the Japanese women with respect and importance. Tenryu and Kitao respond to Toyota and Isuzu, shrug at Columbia Pictures and say “Kathie Lee”. Regis is sadly reaching LVP levels. BACK to Trebek with Jake Roberts and Damien. There is nothing less cool than Damien liking the Reptiles of the World category in the home version of the game. Heenan is laughing live as he apparently set up all of the guests.
-The new, awful Demolition theme plays. Just put them out of their misery. It’s just Phillip Glass tones. Tope couldn’t even sing a ditty to this with Tinie Tempah or not (1 more to go). Guitar heavy music without any gongs (surprisingly) for Tenryu and Kitao. They get no reaction at all. Heenan thinks his name is “hand towel” and I legit laugh. I don’t laugh at the big fortune cookie line.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: Demolition w/Mr. Fuji vs Tenryu and Kitao
-Crush and Kitao start. Kitao doesn’t really sell at all. If he does, it’s weird. He takes a knee to the back and a cane shot from Fuji.
-Trump is naturally not in his seat nor is his whole party. What a waste of good hard cam space.
-Bobby is still confused on Kitao’s name. Gorilla: “you’d have trouble if his name was Fred.” Heenan: “his name is Fred Kitao?!?!” Another LOL moment for me. It’s sadly followed up by a Kikkoman’s joke.
-Tenryu gets the hot tag and chops away. He misses a top rope back elbow drop.
-Demolition Decapitation is blocked by Kitao, who gets dumped and Smash still has Tenryu ready. Crush lands on the floor, Smash takes a kick to the back of the head and some miscommunication follows.
-They eventually get it done.
WINNERS: Tenryu and Kitao at 4:42 when Tenryu pins Smash with a powerbomb.
FINAL WORD: That was a BJ after a gangbang: a sloppy, nothing calm-down.
-Heenan leaves for the title match and Gene interviews Big Boss Man. His momma’s feelings were hurt, so he mowed down all of the Heenan Family except one. He cuts a decent promo amidst a bunch of law puns. Mooney interviews Heenan and Perfect. Heenan has some more LAPD references, but it isn’t very tasteless. Hennig, on the other hand, talks about 56 free lashes. I guess it’s smart to have the heels talk about this stuff?
-Hard Times (not the Dusty kind) leads Boss Man to the ring. Lord Alfred Hayes is joining Gorilla. I might want Duggan back. Perfect enters with Heenan as Gorilla puts over the largest PPV crowd ever for the third time.
MATCH NUMBER NINE: IC TITLE MATCH- Big Boss Man vs Mr. Perfect w/Bobby Heenan (Champ)
-Boss throws Perfect’s towel at him twice, then spits in his face. Perfect takes a slap to the floor and bumps 360 degrees on a clothesline. Then, he’s swung on a hair pull.
-Perfect is whipped by Boss Man’s belt. Hayes says the ref should stop him multiple times, but it doesn’t happen. Yeah, what are the rules of a belt?
-Boss gets punched with the belt and Perfect starts submissions like an arm bar and abdominal stretch.
-Perfect is ready for Flair to make the jump with some loud chops. Boss Man blocks the PerfectPlex with a small package for two.
-Yoooooo…Perfect does his trademark neck wrench backwards, so essentially inventing the Blockbuster before Buff. However, Boss Man was on his knees and he bends back in a sick way. The crowd and Gorilla rightfully “ooooh.”
-Perfect takes a gnarly buckle bump on his back.
-Boss Man backs Heenan down on the floor and Perfect sends him into the steel steps from behind. Heenan gets a shot in and Andre the Giant walks out in the world’s largest and ugliest button down. He chases Bobby with the IC Title in his hand. I’m being nice with the phrase “chase.” Perfect jaws at Andre and gets hit with the title. Both men are down, but Boss Man sits up.
-He crawls to the pin and somehow only gets a two count. Immediately at the kick out, Haku and the Barbarian are in the ring. Missed cue?
WINNER: The Big Boss Man by DQ in 10:47
-Andre trips Barbarian off cue, then gives chops out on the floor. Haku bumbles and sells ridiculously. Boss Man scares the real Boss from behind and they trade arm raises.
FINAL WORD: That was messy at the end and disappointing before that.
-No time wasted as Earthquake’s music plays. How many dope, airbrushed jackets can Jimmy Hart have? Hayes leaves and that was harmless for him. Gene interviews Donald Trump AKA an immediate LVP. He says nothing like usual. FUCK THAT SHIT, he’s followed by Chuck Norris!!! He drops wrestling knowledge like Antonino Rocca, Gorgeous George and Professor Tanaka. CHUCK NORRIS FOR PRESIDENT. Then, we get words from Henry Winkler. Two out of three ain’t bad! I wish Chuck Norris could bang on Trump and turn him off like Fonzie turns off a jukebox. Now we are batting 75% with Lou Ferrigno! He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a leather jacket, but whatever! Greg Valentine has entered off camera because of course he does. Bobby hits another killer line, acting surprised Lou can talk with 15 pounds of crackers in his mouth.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: Earthquake w/Jimmy Hart vs Greg Valentine
-Quake hits a big powerslam 40 seconds in and Hammer kicks out.
-Valentine rocks Quake with a couple elbows. This is such a waste of the big guy after a killer year. Do the Jake feud early or something!
-Another elbow from the second rope knocks Quake down. The crowd is being mighty respectful.
-Greg signals for the Figure Four, but he gets distracted by Jimmy. That causes him to get knocked down, eat a big elbow and say good night.
WINNER: Earthquake at 3:17 with an Earthquake Splash
-Quake goes for an Aftershock, but Greg is too big of a star to take it and rolls to the floor.
FINAL WORD: That was not a good use of anybody’s talents.
-Mooney interviews LOD shouting about Power and Glory costing them the tag title show. Well, Animal shouts. Hawk says they will be “Sour and Gory.” That’s dope.
-Power and Glory are already in the ring and the Road Warrior Pop leads LOD in. They just looked PISSED. Fink doesn’t even get his announcement out before the faces get jumped.
MATCH NUMBER ELEVEN: Power and Glory w/Slick vs Legion of Doom
-Hawk takes a double clothesline and brawls with Hercules on the floor. Animal catches Roma with a nice mid-air powerslam.
-Hercules is just staggering on the floor. Well, that is that.
WINNERS: LOD in 0:59 when Animal pins Paul Roma after a Doomsday Device
FINAL WORD: What’s up with the yearly tag team waste at Mania? It was better because it was LOD, but it was worse because Power and Glory have shown potential.
-Recap time before Ted DiBiase versus Virgil. Sweat is wiped, toes are massaged and Virgil is shaking with anger! Even shit is cleaned off of shoes. The Rumble turn is shown before Virgil beats Haku on Superstars thanks to a Roddy Piper distraction. Then, yesterday (!!!), DiBiase is counted out against some weird, stubby job guy thanks to Virgil. That’s awesome. There’s even a promo with Piper and Virgil spelling the word “man.”
-Ted DiBiase enters alone. A cool kid with a Dick Tracy shirt is shown. Piper’s theme plays and he enters with one crutch. Apparently, it’s due to a motorcycle accident. His theme plays for awhile and I think Virgil is pooping. The music stops and Virgil walks out to no music. He gets a good pop and there’s a Virgil chant at the bell. Heenan calls him George Foreman on Nutrisystem.
MATCH NUMBER TWELVE: Ted DiBiase vs Virgil w/Roddy Piper
-Lot of boxing jabs and shuffling by Virgil to start. I’m distracted by his shitttttttty boot tassels. I’m snapped out by more Virgil chants.
-Virgil tries a cool handshake with Piper, who doesn’t get it and just takes a regular one. Funny. This is already better than his last Mania moment.
-Ted is bumped for the floor three times including a big clothesline. All of Virgil’s offense looks weird.
-Ted finally starts dictating the pace with clotheslines about four minutes in.
-Virgil’s convulsions after a piledriver make D-Von Dudley look like he’s actually dying.
-DiBiase chops Virgil right in front of Trump, who is smiling way too much. Then, Ted pushes Piper down. A rare powerslam by DiBiase and Piper crawls back to use the crutch and pull the rope down on the Million Dollar Man.
-Ted starts punching Roddy on the floor and loses track of the ref in the ring.
WINNER: Virgil in 7:40 by countout
FINAL WORD: A third straight Mania countout /no real decision for a DiBiase match? Weak.
-Piper saves Virgil from the Million Dollar Dream with his crutch after the bell. Sherri runs out to help Ted as they attack Piper’s knee over and over again. Virgil is finally able to help. This is more of a continuation angle than a match. Virgil gets on the mic and is almost Ahmed Johnson-levels of unintelligible in a promo that is just “GET UP!” Piper finally does and he gets a pop, but it’s weaker than you’d expect because this has dragged.
-Mooney is backstage about to interview Sgt. Slaughter, but we go to a recap first. We see the champ burn a Hulk Rules shirt because he said no to the American flag. Adnan is speaking Farsi? Slaughter’s jaw makes Leno’s look like an infant. Man, he’s got full Saddam attire at this point. He overuses the words waste, slime and puke. It cuts to clips of Duggan and Hogan getting beaten down with chairs. Slaughter threatens to get DQ’ed or counted out to retain the title.
-Back live and the Mountie is in the ring, stuffed into this show with music at least. Tito, poor Tito, enters to, still somehow, a good reaction. Heenan is surprised he’s here with the border so close.
MATCH NUMBER THIRTEEN: The Mountie w/Jimmy Hart vs Tito Santana
-These two collide in mid-air very awkwardly. Tito does a double noggin-knocker with Jimmy and Mountie.
-Tito gets pulled off of Mountie by the ref and the heel grabs his trusty cattle prod.
-Why?!?!?! Just why?!?!!
WINNER: The Mountie in 1:21 with a cattle prod to the stomach.
FINAL WORD: Why?!?!?!?!?! Was that really necessary? How much of a payoff could that really be? When you’re somehow worse than a FUCKING BLINDFOLD MATCH, something is off.
-Mean Gene is with Hulk Hogan looking real jacked, baby. It’s a good Hulk promo and another clip of Slaughter beating him down with a belt and whip after a match with Adnan. He sticks a flag and the title in his face in the middle of a Camel Clutch. Adnan hits Rene Goulet and Pat Patterson with a flag pole in the stomach and they half sell it. Back to Hogan and he’s reciting parts of the anthem and it’s really good…except it sounded like he said “twilight’s last creaming.” We’ll ask Heather Clem about that.
-Fink introduces our celebrity co-hosts. Trebek is the guest ring announcer, Maples is the guest timekeeper and Regis is going to be the guest commentator. Bobby stirs the pot while Trebek nails his announcements. The champ is out to less heat than you’d expect and a bad drum core theme. Where is the fucking tank like Rusev? That’s settles our references, by the way.
-Real American leads Hulk Hogan out with the American flag and quite the American ovation. He’s already doing his post-match posing and routine. Maples rings the bell poorly and we begin.
MATCH NUMBER FOURTEEN: WWF TITLE MATCH- Hulk Hogan vs Sgt. Slaughter w/Gen. Adnan (Champ)
-Two minutes of chasing, taking garb and belts off and stalling because they don’t want to actually work.
-Now we get 60 seconds of lock ups, throwing the ref down, locking up and USA chants. Besides Bundy and Warrior, Hogan has done so little at Mania and gotten a gangbusters reaction each time. He’s getting ahead of himself for X8.
-Slaughter takes the first bump on a tackle four minutes in. It’s also the first time Regis chimes in, which is smart because he’s lowered his LVP profile.
-At 4:30, Hogan takes a chair to the back right in front of the ref. It’s a baby dink shot, but it should be a DQ and it’s not. I’m fed up with this already. Oh, Hulk no sold it, too.
-Heenan explains to Regis why he cheers for Slaughter instead of Hogan: not giving his men title shots over the years. Then, he invites Philbin to his after party. Heenan has locked MVP. I can indict him for some comments as the sign of the times, but he truly is the GOAT.
-Slaughter takes some big, exaggerated bumps and some are in slow motion. He also does his running stomach bump in the corner, but he just bounces instead of going over the top.
-Hulk tries a second rope double axe handle and there’s miscommunication with Sarge trying to counter. Hulk says fuck it and stays on offense. He then goes to the TOP ROPE, but Adnan grabs his foot and Hulk gets caught in a Flair bump. I’m not starting that stat.
-Two more chair shots to the back on the floor that the referee sees. Why build up the option of a DQ earlier if you don’t do it? At least have a distraction or something!
-The crowd is loud, but the people on the hard cam are all sitting quietly.
-Slow offense by Slaughter is punctuated by a Boston Crab. Regis smartly asks why Hogan isn’t going for the rope. He finally does and the champ is the king of celebrating when he didn’t actually win.
-An odd double stomp of sorts by Slaughter off the top is trumped by Adnan distracting the ref during the pin as it only gets a two.
-UNPROTECTED CHAIR SHOT TO THE HEAD OF HULK HOGAN. There’s a nice noise on that one. It’s still only a two count and Hogan is busted wide open. At least it was behind the ref’s back this time.
-Camel Clutch is applied as the full crimson mask appears. Sarge breaks for some weak stomps and then reapplies.
-Hogan powers to his feet with Slaughter on his back, but gets ran into the corner.
-Slaughter spits on Hulk, covers him with the Iraqi and pins him. Sigh…2 count, Hulk up, flag torn and here we go.
-Point, punch, punch, punch, boot, leg drop. What a dick to kick out at 3.05
WINNER: Hulk Hogan in 20:23 to win the title with a leg drop.
-Gorilla calls him an unprecedented three-time champion. That will change. Even Heenan is excited, saying he did it for the USA and the WWF. Regis’ comeback stumbles as he monotones his delivery here.
FINAL WORD: Well, that was the worst Mania main event since the first one. Andre/Hulk had spectacle at the bare minimum. The crowd is happy, but of course they are.
-Hogan bloodily celebrates with the belt around his waist and the American flag. He finally wipes his face with a towel while Trump and some toothy, rapey dipshits clap. This is all bad in hindsight. Heenan thankfully gets the last word: “Who is gonna be at my party?!?!”
THE LAST IMAGE: Hulk Hogan and the American flag.
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of the PPV: We are about to get so much more Bobby Heenan color commentary and I cannot wait. He’s the best to ever do it and this show was a prime example.
FINAL LVP of the PPV: Out of all the short, bad matches that I had to sit through, Dino Bravo really stuck out. He’s going out at the bottom.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Ultimate Warrior vs Randy Savage
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: The Mountie vs Tito Santana
FINAL THOUGHTS: This is an odd one. On one hand, you have some legit amazing moments and iconic memories. On the other hand, there are too many aforementioned short, bad matches. Many scale this one in the middle all-time and I’m inclined to agree. For our purposes, the good is THAT good. MULLET RECOMMENDS
NEXT TIME: Remember the intro about things changing? Well, WCW’s first SuperBrawl is here to be Exhibit A-F for that. It’s sadly not held on a Saturday.