A double main event seems like such an easy thing to book. You create interest in two matches to such an extent that they deserve top billing together and attract much of the attention in the build towards the big event. Sure, you run the risk of diminishing the other matches on the card and even future shows, but when it’s done correctly, it can be memorable and live on forever.
Today’s PPV is the first one that really sticks out to me. Any time you see a poster or reference to this event, you see the pictures of Hulk Hogan, Earthquake, Ultimate Warrior and Rick Rude. That phrase right there is special in and of itself because two of those men never became WWF Champion or main evented a WWF PPV ever again. Every other instance of a double or triple main event served as a stepping stone or validation of the individuals involved. This show didn’t do that. One man would be wrestling his final WWF PPV match and the other would be part of a tag team by this time next year.
Is a double main event a good sign or a bad sign for a wrestling PPV? For the WWF in 1990, it was a sign that things were changing, but also staying the same.
PAY PER VIEW NUMBER 33- WWF SUMMERSLAM 1990
WRITTEN ON 6/3/2020
THE FIRST THING YOU SEE: Vince McMahon’s voice over shots of beach shit and the classic SummerSlam theme previews the double main event. The crowd is loud in the Philadelphia Spectrum. Oh boy, Philly can be a rough bunch. Vince McMahon and Roddy Piper are the commentary team! Piper already slams Baghdad as the crowd chants so loudly for him that you can’t even hear him talk. I can tell I’m going to miss Jesse and Gorilla. Vince calls our first match a “humdinger.”
-The Rockers enter and Shawn Michaels is barely running. Hercules and Paul Roma, now known as Power and Glory, are already in the ring. The heels jump the faces before the bell. Kevin Dunn goes to a fucking wide shot and Vince screams bloody murder over Hercules attacking Shawn with his chain that we can’t see.
MATCH NUMBER ONE: The Rockers vs Power and Glory w/Slick
-Marty Jannetty is on fire in this 2 on 1 situation. The crowd is very into him with dropkicks and slams. He ducks a Roma cross body and Hercules catches Roma and Jannetty dropkicks the pair.
-The ref is continually distracted by Slick and Vince is already on my nerves. Roddy calls the Rockers Mick Jagger and David Bowie.
-How did Power and Glory get together? Hercules was losing a lot, but did we miss Paul Roma beating Jim Powers up? That would make me sad.
-Shawn keeps trying to crawl into the ring, but the heels keep kicking me down. He must be really hurt. Vince mentions him coming in banged up finally.
-A sloppy tag when Herc is in a small package by Marty. My favorite part of this match so far has been Slick’s green Kangol.
-I can’t believe I’m saying this: Marty Jannetty is the first MVP of this show. He is so dynamic. He hits a good powerslam and top rope fist drop. That gets followed up by him getting murdered by a Hercules clothesline. Then, he gets sent into the lights on a double flapjack. Power and Glory look like the next Hart Foundation or Legion of Doom here.
-My most underrated tag finish!
WINNERS: Power and Glory in 6:00 when Paul Roma pins Marty Jannetty after a PowerPlex.
-Roma throws Michaels in for a double team after the bell. Marty covers Shawn’s knee up as the refs try to break this up. Another lame gay joke by Jagger and Bowie by Piper as the Rockers lay together. He’s got another LVP case early. Shawn gets a stretcher job.
FINAL WORD: That was loud and messy, but why the fuck didn’t Power and Glory get any bigger?
-Sean Mooney is backstage with Bobby Heenan and Mr. Perfect talking about the short notice of the Texas Tornado as his challenger for the IC Title. Hennig says the word “perfect” a bunch and Heenan cuts a great promo about what a “Texas Tornado” actually is and Perfect puts a great exclamation point on it at the end.
-Perfect’s music leads him and Heena to the ring. Piper makes some more bad comments about Minneapolis and Perfect’s girlfriend having a lot of body hair. Mean Gene is backstage with the Texas Tornado in the locker room. His tone and delivery are off, but it’s not the worst. Fink intros Perfect and his “perfect” manager that makes Vince scoff. Tornado enters wearing his cool robe as his cool music plays. This is a battle of two World Champions elsewhere. Piper keeps calling Heenan “boobsie.”
MATCH NUMBER TWO: IC TITLE MATCH- The Texas Tornado vs Mr. Perfect w/Bobby Heenan (Champ)
-Just by walking clearly and sliding across the ring, I’m impressed with Kerry Von Erich as he wrestles with one foot. They lock up, Perfect gets push and he travels halfway across the ring.
-Perfect’s arm drags are combatted with a hip toss, slam and clothesline over the top rope. Heenan encourages his charge by telling him his opponent got lucky.
-It’s nice to hear Vince call moves and Piper analyze what the move does at least.
-Perfect slaps on a sleeper that gets broken in the corner. Perfect slaps Tornado repeatedly in the corner, talking trash. That was his downfall against Beefcake at Mania!
-Sure enough! Perfect takes the same slingshot into the post and gets lock in the dreaded claw.
-That’s a 540 sell!
WINNER: The Texas Tornado in 5:13 to win the title with a Discus Punch
-The title change gets a HUGE pop. Perfect gets up and continues to sell by falling out of the ring. He looks to be packing! That’s the third straight SummerSlam with an IC Title change. Man, if Kerry could get himself in order, Vince would have made him a megastar.
FINAL WORD: That was shorter, but almost identical to Perfect’s last PPV match. It could have been better.
-Mean Gene is supposed to talk to Sapphire, but she can’t be found. Heenan enters LIVID with Mr. Perfect. Heenan cuts a great promo seemingly going through puberty with his voice. He’s possibly MVP complaining about the referee. Perfect wraps the promo up vowing to be back.
-Pomp and Circumstance plays for Queen Sherri already in the ring. Her face pain makes her resemble a Jellicle. Wait…is this finally the time? YES! My article reference challenge will be Cats! I guarantee I’m blowing past three here.
-Common Man Boogie plays for Sapphire who doesn’t appear. Fink introduces her again and still nothing. Piper and Vince debate what’s happening as the music is continued. Piper is good at keeping the enthusiasm and discussion up during this. He does call her Sapper, though. Rene Goulet comes out and looks more confused than usual. He talks to the ref and Fink. Piper says she might be making pancakes. UGGGGGH, I just gave you a compliment, Roddy! Fink says she has 30 seconds to arrive or she forfeits. Sherri is mad for some reason. Sherri counts the final 10 seconds herself.
MATCH NUMBER THREE: Sensational Sherri vs Sapphire
WINNER: Sensational Sherri via forfeit.
FINAL WORD: I don’t know what to do here. It will still get rated. Will something manage to be worse than a match that didn’t happen?
-Mean Gene is with Dusty who doesn’t know where Sapphire is. He claims she left 10 minutes after they arrived. A worried Jim Duggan enters like Sweetums in MupperVision 4D just to say he’s still looking for her. He looks like the Cowardly Lion if he were in Cats. Gene asks about the anonymous gifts Sapphire has been getting. Gee, I wonder where this is going. Goddamn, she was given a lot: a cruise, a mink coat, multiple pieces of jewelry and a Cadillac. Dusty leaves and Gene says she was supposed to receive her biggest gift at this show. Imagine if the story was that she was murdered instead. SWERVE!
-Fink introduces the Warlord with his new, stupid look already in the ring with Slick. Tito Santana’s music leads him to the ring. His year is just getting killed by the Powers of Pain, huh?
MATCH NUMBER FOUR: The Warlord w/Slick vs Tito Santana
-Piper says that “taco vendor” and “bean eater” is what he is NOT going to call Tito. Aye aye aye. These times were rough. I’m fighting the urge to Barry Windham both of those names, by the way.
-I can’t tell if the Warlord is slimmer or he just needs a quick roids refill.
-Tito does the same powerbomb punch counter that he did to Barbarian at Mania. There have been too many similarities in this show to Mania.
-Slick has his shoe off approaching Tito down on the floor. Piper puts on an offensive voice and he’s approaching unprecedented lock and back-to-back LVP.
-This match is boring. I create my own Jellicle cat with Tito’s hair and Warlord’s goatee. I’ll call him Pumperkook.
-The flying burrito by Tito and Warlord barely gets his foot on the bottom rope at two.
-Warlord blocks a monkey flip out of the corner and sends Tito flying.
-Man, it’s been a good night for Slick!
WINNER: The Warlord in 5:28 with a running powerslam
FINAL WORD: This match made me appreciate The Barbarian more.
-Piper calls The Warlord ugly after the bell and he isn’t wrong. He also does a fine job on the replay. Vince pivots promoting the Survivor Series and we get the cool logo and music.
-Sean Mooney is backstage explaining that the third member of Demolition debuted around the time that the Hart Foundation challenged them. Ax and Smash enter with Crush and they explain how confusing and unfair all three of them being part of the team are is an advantage. Mooney asks about LOD as future challengers and the only thing I take from their answer is that Crush is very bad at promos.
-Demolition’s theme plays as Crush and Smash make their way to the ring. Mean Gene is with the Hart Foundation and their cool fucking jackets with frills to the max. Anvil is so damn nutty. These two complimented each other so damn well. Bret’s closing line quoting a Phil Collins song was really, really, REALLY lame. His delivery was maybe the worst part.
-The Hart Foundation enters to some loud shrieks from the ladies. Bret’s hair is in a rare ponytail.
MATCH NUMBER FIVE: TAG TITLE 2 OUT OF 3 FALLS MATCH- The Hart Foundation vs Demolition (Champs)
-Bret and Smash start. They do an odd tug-o-war that Bret loses, but Anvil comes in to hit Crush and do a double team to Smash. Neidhart then gnaws on Smash’s arm like a beaver.
-Piper is once again solid on his analysis of a Bret arm attack. That is followed about talk of how ugly Jim Neidhart is and how you’d like to take him home to your dad. Well, ask Nattie’s weird mom.
-Crush is in and I hate him. He just looks wrong.
-Neidhart takes a kick to the back behind the ref’s back. He tags out relatively quickly on a rebound clothesline.
-Bret is about 4,000 miles ahead of everyone in this match in terms of execution. He gets a good near fall on a Russian Leg Sweep. Crush takes Jim out on the floor and stops a two count after a Bret second rope elbow. Vince wants a DQ, but Piper explains the five count.
-Demolition takes the first fall at 6:19 when Crush pins Bret Hart after the Demolition Decapitation.
-Crush redeems himself with a nice running chokeslam of sorts. Smash comes in and Bret is continually dominated.
-Bret’s running clothesline is always beautiful. It was my go-to move in the WrestleMania arcade game. Demolition has some great teamwork trying to cheat and pull back Bret, but the ref stops them and Neidhart gets the hot tag. Smash kicks out of an awesome powerslam for another good near fall.
-The Hart Foundation takes the second fall at 10:36 by DQ when Crush stops the ref’s count after the Hart Attack and tackles him. This was a very nice sequence.
-Bret is thrown to the floor and the ref admonishes the heels as Ax runs out and gets under the ring.
-Awesome reverse powerslam by Jim on Bret onto Smash. Smash rolls out and switches with Ax. How dumb is this ref? Their hair is totally different! Ax is naturally fresh and hits a clothesline.
-Bret takes his dumbass corner bump to the chest and Piper does a bad job selling it as “that’ll lose your breakfast.” Crush follows that with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.
-Smash and Ax get a double team on the floor behind the ref’s back and I hear a Road Warrior Pop! Hawk and Animal debut on WWF PPV with their old tights as they pull Ax back out from under the ring and trip Crush up from the top rope.
-I’m glad this is over because Bret Hart looks GASSED.
WINNERS: The Hart Foundation 2-1 in 15:49 to win the titles when Bret Hart pins Crush with a roll up after a Jim Neidhart slingshot shoulder tackle.
FINAL WORD: Even with all of the bells and whistles, that was pure tag team wrestling heaven.
-A WrestleMania VII promo plays and they are still aiming for the Coliseum, huh? A graphic says the phone number is not active. Damn! The video highlights include the Bushwhackers on a flume ride and Mr. Fuji running a marathon in his full gimmick.
-Gene in the locker room recaps the title changes so far and interviews the LOD. Animal shreds several vocal chords about being ducked by Demolition. Hawk unleashes our first “OHHHHHHHH WHAT A RUSH!” The Harts enter and the faces celebrate. Neidhart is the best of the four again as Hawk shits on champagne and Gene admits he doesn’t know what’s going on. Mooney is already outside Demolition’s locker room as shouting occurs. Mooney does commentary on what they are shouting about.
-Gene is now in the interview area with Sherri celebrating her “win”. This is her best promo to date, clear and putting herself over as dangerous as she talks about Sapphire being smart and the rumors abound. She laughs and shrieks and we are sent to a five-minute intermission!
-I’m not so lucky as we are right back with Gene previewing the rest of the PPV. That includes Bad News Brown and his 200 pounds of sewer rats, Brother Love receiving an award from Sgt. Slaughter and the team of Jim Duggan and Nikolai Volkoff. I may turn this off. The match graphics are dope, though. Gene says they snuck into Brown’s locker room and they got a glimpse of the sewer rats. A cover is lifted off of a big box and one rat is shown looking pissed up against the cage. Damien is then shown in the shower. His mouth and my mouth are agape.
-The Big Boss Man joins Gene and he’s the guest referee for the Jake/Bad News match. He’s not afraid of snakes or sewers, but will make sure justice prevails. Cool.
-Sean Mooney is with Duggan and Volkoff and they both HOOOOOOOOOOOO. Even with the pressures in the Persian Gulf, these two have found common ground in their union. I have to note that Jim Duggan’s eye is LVP again. Volkoff calls Duggan his idol and loves this country. Piper and Duggan’s eye have some LVP company, particularly after this line: “The American Express is better than the Orient Express, don’t leave home without it!” BLECH!
-More promos! Gene is with Earthquake, Dino Bravo and Jimmy Hart. Quake looks noticeably larger here. Clips of Quake’s attack of Hogan on the Brother Love show are played. John Tenta was such an underrated presence on the microphone despite his constant bouncing and shouting. Quake squashing Tugboat is also shown. Bravo and Hart are not needed, but get their words in, too. They threaten two stretchers tonight.
-Mooney is with Jake Roberts and Mooney is terrified. Damien looks like he wants a kiss, then starts wrapping around Jake’s neck several times. FUCK THAT. Jake is unflummoxed and cuts his typically cool promo while the snake is all over his face. What an amazing moment.
-Bad News Brown is already in the ring. Jake Roberts enters and that bag looks bigger than usual. All of the talk of sewer rats is cringeworthy. Boss Man enters and the bell rings as Brown jumps Roberts before Boss is even in the ring.
MATCH NUMBER SIX: Bad News Brown vs Jake Roberts w/Big Boss Man as the Special Guest Referee
-The DDT is blocked early and Jake falls down to avoid the Ghetto Blaster.
-Brown argues with a two count and avoids the DDT again.
-Brown hits Jake in the stomach with a chair right in front of Boss Man who admonishes him and the match continues. Oooooooookay.
-Jake tells Brown to fuck himself with an arm motion as Piper talks about how badly Brown stinks.
-Jake avoids a fist drop and starts his series of moves: the knee lift, the short arm clothesline, the signal and the DDT countered with a backdrop.
-Brown is on the floor with a chair and he hits Jake in the stomach a second time. Now the bell rings. Did Brown never want to lose clean?
WINNER: Jake Roberts in 4:45 by DQ
-Brown tries to leg drop Damien, but Boss Man saves the snake. Brown jumps Boss from behind and Jakes comes in, throwing Damien on Brown. Brown flees and I’m now certain that there were never any rats in that cage.
FINAL WORD: What a waste of two talents and Bad News Brown.
-The same Mania promo plays and Gene interviews Demolition. Why did they retouch their face paint? Smash is the highlight for once. Crush needs to just not talk ever again.
-It’s time for the Brother Love Show AKA pain. Roddy calls him Blubber Love. This is just loud, go away hear. Love cuts a long, nothing promo to introduce “Drill” Sgt. Slaughter. Piper talks about his jaw size as he walks out fairly bloated. Slaughter starts by saying he’s in town for two reasons, but then doesn’t get to them. He talks about America being weak and soft. Slaughter presents Love a BIG, stupid medal titled the “Sgt. Slaughter Great American Award”. Magic must have had fun making that. Slaughter calls Volkoff a Pinkie Commie. A babyface Nikolai Volkoff vs heel Sgt. Slaughter feud means I might try to eat myself to happiness like Bustopher Jones (or Sgt. Slaughter apparently). Am I allowed to name this segment as my least favorite match? Slaughter puts over “Saddam Hassan” and that’s enough to give him LVP consideration. Did he bail Piper out? This segment had nobody happy in a bad way.
-Mooney is with the Orient Express and Mr. Fuji, who is unintelligible while making fun of Duggan’s cross eye and something else about eyes I’m glad I didn’t understand. It cuts to Gene who found Sapphire as she bolts into a dressing room avoiding questions.
-The theme for Japanese wrestlers for the next 20 years leads the Orient Express and Fuji to the ring. Stars and Stripes Forever is the theme for Duggan and Volkoff. Someone actually had the nerve to bring a sign for Nikolai! Fink asks the crowd to rise as the faces sing God Bless America in honor of Kate Smith. The crowd still boos as Nikolai isn’t too bad, but Duggan is somehow worse at this than everything else. The crowd starts singing themselves and the faces win over enough people. Duggan asks for a pop for the troops in the Middle East as the bell rings.
MATCH NUMBER SEVEN: The Orient Express w/Mr. Fuji vs Nikolai Volkoff and Jim Duggan
-A double atomic drop by the faces onto the heels running them into one another. The crowd chants “USA” as Piper continues to doubt Volkoff’s intentions.
-Fuji gets a cane shot into Nikolai and the Express double teams Nikolai as he staggers around like usual.
-Duggan gets the hot tag. As much as people love Sid and I don’t get it, he’s big and charismatic. Duggan is always the third most over and he blooooooooooooows.
-Clotheslines and headbutts, a double Irish Whip and a Russian Sickle makes me feel really bad for Tanaka and Sato.
-What a typical great bump and loss for Tanaka.
WINNERS: Nikolai Volkoff and Jim Duggan in 3:21 when Jim Duggan pins Tanaka with a three point stance clothesline.
-Duggan’s theme has finally debuted! That’s the happiest I’ve been in the past few minutes!
FINAL WORD: Look who’s involved! Of course I hated it! Only this could be somehow worse than a forfeit.
-I just noticed that Survivor Series is on my daughter’s birthday 26 years early.
-Dusty Rhodes knocks on Sapphire’s door with Mean Gene. Dusty says the word “corner” hilariously. He needs her, but he has to go.
-Dusty enters to the Boogie, but he’s not his usual happy self. Say what you will about polka dots, but he was always presented in important feuds. Mooney is standing on some rickety steps interviewing Macho Man on his throne. I love that all of the heels have heard rumors about Sapphire and they will end up being right. Savage cuts a great kingly promo as Mooney sells almost falling. Pomp and Circumstance leads the King without his crown, but his classic hat. Piper asks if Sherri has paint on her face or stretch marks. He can be very rude and unclever. Someone has a fucking beach ball in the crowd. I’m glad those tropes last awhile.
-Before the match starts, Ted DiBiase is revealed to be standing on a platform laughing and yelling at Dusty. He claims money can buy anything including his humiliation and introduces his latest purchase: Sapphire. She enters with a mink coat, dress and jewelry. Yeah…buying an old black woman hasn’t aged well. DiBiase is tomato red cutting this promo. He says everyone would do what Sapphire is doing. Shit, my options are a ton of money or hanging with Dusty Rhodes? Yeah, he’s right. That goes for everyone in Philadelphia as well. Dusty goes up the aisle and Macho attacks him from behind.
MATCH NUMBER EIGHT: Dusty Rhodes vs Randy Savage w/Sensational Sherri
-A beatdown, a knee and a Sherri choke makes Dusty’s night even worse.
-Dusty answers back with typical elbows and punches without the usual flair and oomph. He hits a dropkick and the crowd is listless with the recent events.
-Dusty chases Sherri into the ring after she gives Savage her purse.
-That’s what you give Randy Savage for the second biggest show of the year?
WINNER: Randy Savage in 2:15 with a shot to the back with a loaded purse.
-Macho bolts quickly as Dusty stays down in the ring.
FINAL WORD: I’m amazed that such a well told story across the show ended with such a bad match and story.
-Sean Mooney is earning his paycheck tonight! He’s backstage waiting for DiBiase and crew. Ted reiterates his promo from earlier while Dusty runs out and tries to stop the limo. Dusty is just short and he sells distraught very well. Piper sides with the heels here and does so a little too much on this show. He’s way too wishy washy.
-Earthquake’s music hits and Piper calls him a warthog. The crowd buzzes with Quake’s entrance.
-Gene is backstage with Hulk Hogan and Big Boss Man. Hulk cuts a good promo about the moment he was taken out and the doubts he has come back. He thanks the fans for their prayers and dedicates this match to Tugboat. Boss talks about the history of Philly justice and Hulk finally goes off the rails. He says that, with Thomas Boss Man Jefferson, George Washington Hogan will chop down the cherry tree that is Earthquake down. This is going to sound like a joke, but it actually happens: Hogan asks whatcha gonna do when he passes his constitutional rights down on you.
-Fink announces Quake before Boss makes his way to the ring for the second time and he gets a better pop this time than he did earlier. He’s also sporting a shiner I don’t recall seeing earlier. Real American plays and the place comes unglued. Is there any doubt who the number one guy is? Hulk throws his shirt at Quake, then spits on him. Whose bulge is hidden better: Hulk Hogan’s or Jason DeRulo’s as Rum Tum Tugger?
MATCH NUMBER NINE: Earthquake w/Dino Bravo and Jimmy Hart vs Hulk Hogan w/Big Boss Man
-They finally lock up one minute after the bell. Hulk tries to push Quake who barely flinches. On the next two lock ups, Quake throws Hulk down.
-Quake hits a tackle and Hulk powders to the floor to regroup. He naturally gets back in and rakes Quake’s eyes immediately.
-Three minutes in and Quake is sweating like he’s gone Broadway.
-Several clotheslines and punches can’t knock Quake down. Bravo and Hart eat punches on the apron and Hulk finally knocks Quake down to his butt. There’s a big brawl on the floor and the crowd is super into this.
-Boss and Bravo are in the ring. The faces give Dino a double big boot, then give Quake one as well. What the fuck are DQ rules on this show? The ref gets Boss out of the ring as the heels hit Hulk with a double slam. Why even bother doing that behind the ref’s back?
-Quake hits a top rope double axe handle! Then he stomps on Hogan’s fingers and locks in a Boston Crab. Someone is finally challenging Marty Jannetty as MVP. He is such a good big man. The crowd is so hot because they buy Quake as that much of a threat.
-Bravo slams Hulk on the floor and Quake gives Hogan his own before missing a big elbow.
-Hulk can’t quite lift Quake on the slam attempt and he gets squashed under him. Then, it’s Rich Camillucci’s favorite move: the bearhug! At least Hulk scraps and claws at Quake in the hold until he is worn down. Hogan fights back by…ripping up Earl Hebner’s shirt? I don’t wanna see Hebner stomach!
-Hulk tries a flying body press and gets caught. Quake hits a big powerslam and just puts his foot on him for the pin. Hulk is great here, barely lifting his shoulder off the mat. Earthquake Splash and it’s over, but Bravo and Hart want one more. Quake does and Hogan naturally Hulks up at two.
-The big boot doesn’t take him down, but finally hitting the slam sure does.
-Hulk hits the leg drop and Dino distracts the ref while Jimmy attacks Hulk. Hulk press slams him onto Quake and Bravo comes in to take the ref down. Another big brawl breaks out on the floor.
-Hart hits Quake with the megaphone on accident and we get a table spot! Hulk slams Quake on a table outside, but it doesn’t break and Quake takes a gnarly bump.
-Quake chokes Hogan and Boss Man has some kind of metal step stool. He hits Bravo with it and then hits Quake in the back three times VERY FUCKING HARD. It immediately makes marks, but Quake no sells it! That’s an MVP right there! There are welts! Boss Man protects Hulk as the heels retreat and we get the official word.
WINNER: Hulk Hogan by countout at 13:09
-Vince talks about the victory as Piper claims there isn’t really one due to the countout. Hulk clucks like a chicken and does more posing after trying to leave and Boss Man convincing him to do more. He poses for quite some time, probably cutting into Warrior’s main event on purpose.
FINAL WORD: Nonsense rules aside, this was a good Hogan match that made Earthquake out to be the beast he deserved to be.
-Mooney is with Heenan and Rick Rude. Rude cuts a promo about Rocky and Philadelphia. His delivery is stilted and uncomfortable. Heenan cleans it up well. There are two ways to win the cage match: pin or escape. Heenan references Rude and Warrior’s history and says this is no sequel and lists Rocky 2-4. Man, the luxury of happening before Rocky 5 existed!
-Mean Gene interviews a forlorn Dusty Rhodes. It’s a good promo about being in the storm and he’s about to get “bad and mad.” There’s too much American rhetoric, but it’s still a good promo.
-The corpse of Lord Alfred Hayes is at ringside as the cage is built. The crew is trying their best to beat their record for putting it up. How about it’s put up safely, huh? Each section weighs 350 pounds. They gave Hayes a bunch of facts and figures to spout about the cage and he surprisingly doesn’t screw it up.
-Mean Gene is with Hulk Hogan flexing right in front of the camera. We are still stalling for the cage. Hulk talks about buildings being built up across the country, Africa and Asia that are Earthquake proof. Hogan will drag Quake’s “big fat body” all over the world. Then, he says something about a nine-foot fun, but he’s talking about a surfboard because he claims to be on a “title wave”. You know that pun sucks because he has to point it out.
-Vince and Roddy are still killing time as the top of the cage is connected and tied. Now Mooney is with Earthquake and company. He is loud, shouty and intimidating as he shows the nasty marks on his back. All parties showcase good anger, but I’m very tired of all of these promos.
-As I say that, Mean Gene is with a snorting Ultimate Warrior and his blue title. Warrior starts with a joke: “What do Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan have in common with the Liberty Bell?” The answer: “One is cracked and one’s a DING DONG.” Your World Champion everybody!!! Gene uncomfortably laughs with him until the Warrior stops with a loud noise. Then, Warrior talks about “when in the course of human events” and I think I’m being ribbed. Gene looks so goddamn confused. Warrior calls us the Ultimate Nation before we go back to Vince who just says “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BABY!” You aren’t kidding.
-Fink explains the rules as Rick Rude enters with his truly god-awful theme dub. It makes the audio quality of Vince and Piper sound like half of every Podswoggle podcast. I’m pretty sure “The Stripper” is public use and in recent 2K games. Rude calls the crowd “Pennsylvanian Pissants” and I’m not a fan of his tights, specifically the front of them.
-Warrior’s music hits and he gets a great reaction, but it’s not as good as Hogan’s or even Duggan’s. He climbs the cage and shakes the everloving shit out of it. Easy! It took so long to put together! He runs laps around the cage and climbs up as Rude taunts him and they punch at the top of the cage.
MATCH NUMBER TEN: WWF TITLE CAGE MATCH- Rick Rude w/Bobby Heenan vs Ultimate Warrior (Champ)
-Warrior punches Rude off the top and then hits a double axe handle from the top.
-That cage is so damn hard and unforgiving. You really gotta get your hands up when you’re thrown into that sucker.
-Rude ducks a crossbody and Warrior hits the cage. Rude starts climbing out and he’s bleeding already. Rude hits an axe handle from the top and Warrior is busted open, too. We are less than three minutes in. That thing should gush the way Warrior breathes.
-If you squint, Warrior just looks like he should be in Cats. Hellwig sounds like Growltiger’s personal assistant.
-This match has been nothing but punches and cage throws and head grinds so far.
-Rude Awakening powered out of by Warrior and he hits a clothesline only to have the splash blocked with Rude’s knees. Rude hits his finish right after that, but doesn’t try to pin. He asks for the door, but climbs to the very top of the cage and hits a flying punch. Piper is correct by claiming Rude could have escaped three times already. Rude flies from the top of the cage again and gets caught with a punch in mid-air.
-Warriors crawls to the door and Heenan smashes his head in. Warrior protected himself well, but the effect was loud and a good visual. That somehow only gets a two count.
-Rude is trying to get out of the door while Heenan pulls him out and Warrior pulls him in. Rude gets totally pantsed and Warrior is digging in his butthole now? Heenan somehow gets pulled in and takes a big bump on a punch and atomic dropped out of the cage.
-Warrior builds up, shakes the ropes and begins to no sell. Piper just keeps asking what everything Vince says means and what Warrior does mean. I hope that makes sense.
-Press slam by Warrior, a climb and one hip swivel I can’t unsee end this bad boy.
WINNER: Ultimate Warrior in 10:02 to retain the title by escaping the cage
FINAL WORD: When they finally get the main event and the world title on the line, Rick Rude and the Ultimate Warrior have their weakest match.
-Warrior climbs back up to celebrate. He waves the title over his head like he’s Seth Rollins in NXT. He’s in the ring for more title waving and celebrating as Vince promotes Survivor Series and signs off.
THE LAST IMAGE: The Ultimate Warrior climbing the ropes
THE WRAP UP
FINAL MVP of PPV: It’s been awhile since we’ve had such a dominate, runaway case. Earthquake seemed to buck the monster heel vs Hogan trend with a thoroughly great exhibition on this fairly weak show.
FINAL LVP of PPV: I hate to say it, but I don’t think commentary is Roddy Piper’s strong suit. He has bad predilections and he just became the first ever back-to-back LVP for a company.
MY FAVORITE MATCH: The Hart Foundation vs Demolition
MY LEAST FAVORITE MATCH: Jim Duggan and Nikolai Volkoff vs The Orient Express (over a forfeit!!!)
FINAL THOUGHTS: This was the weakest WWF show in quite some time. The matches were bad, the backstage promos and set ups were excessive and the few good moments/matches weren’t enough to counteract the truly wretched. This was the worst SummerSlam so far. MULLET DOESN’T RECOMMEND
NEXT TIME: Sting gets his first world title defense main event at Halloween Havoc. I hope someone is dressed up like Macavity.