Episode 6 - February 21, 1993: Watcha Gonna Do, When Hulkamania Runs Long On You?!

We start the program off with Bam Bam Bigelow tearing into some poor jobber named Scott Taylor. Rob Bartlett even calls it out at one point saying, “Who’s Bam Bam fighting, some guy they got off the street?”. I don’t really understand the purpose of these matches they keep having where some giant guy takes out some random little dude without any problem (looking at you, Yokozuna). The announcers try to make Bam Bam seem like an unstoppable force, but they really just end up burying Scott Taylor.

 "Flames...On the side of my face!"

"Flames...On the side of my face!"

To cleanse the pallet we move on to a 6-man tag team match between the teams of Shawn Michaels and the Beverly Brothers VS Tatanka and the Nasty Boys. The Beverly Brothers are just store-brand American Gladiators while the Nasty Boys are like real life Garbage Pail Kids with none of the charm. One of their moves is apparently shoving their opponent’s face into their armpits. The crowd inexplicably seems to love these guys, chanting for them 4 different times throughout the match. Eventually Tatanka pins Shawn Michaels for the win and the Nasty Boys head off to fart on a dog or something.

 The low point of four men's careers

The low point of four men's careers

Up next is Crush VS Terry Taylor. Crush’s gimmick is apparently just being a white guy from Hawaii. His singlet even has the “hang loose” sign on it in case you forget. Once again, the ringside announcers lose interest in this match pretty quickly and end up talking mostly about Hulk Hogan. At one point, Rob Bartlett just starts doing an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger and talks to Vince for a while. I’m really not very keen on Rob Bartlett. I think he’s supposed to be some sort of comic relief, but he just comes off as thinking he’s too cool for school. Anyway Crush wins after using his finisher, which is just crushing his opponent’s head between his hands. Aloha, dude.

 I'm sure there won't be any kids that imitate this.

I'm sure there won't be any kids that imitate this.

 Oh. Whoops!

Oh. Whoops!

Finally the moment everyone’s been waiting for: Hulk Hogan! The crowd is super amped and Hogan really milks it the way only Hogan can. And as if just being there wasn’t enough, he announces he’s returning to the WWF after a year long hiatus to team up with Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake to help him get revenge on Money Inc. Right on cue, Brutus Beefcake shows up to say a few words. Whose decision is it to keep letting him get on the mic? He’s more boring than the Beverly Brothers. Brutus and the Hulkster let everyone know that The Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart is alright in their book and that he’ll be their new manager, which is Jimmy Hart’s signal to come out and speak his piece.

 "Oh no, did we all wear red and yellow? Well somebody has to change!"

"Oh no, did we all wear red and yellow? Well somebody has to change!"

Now this whole segment lasts for 10 minutes. It lasts so long, in fact, that the final match of the night featuring The Undertaker doesn’t get more than 2 minutes of screen time. I feel robbed. I don’t watch wrestling for speeches; I watch wrestling for wrestling! Yeesh. The Hulkster better make up for this on the next episode by ripping off TWO shirts.

Other Observations:

  • Jimmy Hart seems slimy so I wonder if he’ll end up double-crossing Brutus Beefcake and Hulk Hogan (a team now known as “The Mega-Maniacs”) in order to help out Money Inc.
  • It seems like one of the cardinal sins of pro wrestling is just being boring (as demonstrated by the Beverly Brothers). Even if your gimmick is just being gross like the Nasty Boys, that’s enough to get over.
  • I’m curious to see how long this announce team stays together. Rob Bartlett seems easily replaceable and Randy Savage seems like too big of a presence to be stuck behind the desk for much longer.