Episode 5 - February 14, 1993: USA! USA! USA!

The Steiner Brothers kick things off this week by absolutely murdering their opponents Glen Ruth and Bobby Who, the latter of which the announcers spend most of the fight making Abbott and Costello jokes about. Those references are the only funny thing about this match as the Steiner Brothers face no real opposition by the other team. I’m honestly not even sure what the point of the match was because the Steiners were on top the entire time and we got no real story out of it at all.


Moving on we get Yokozuna being fed another sacrificial lamb, this time in the form of Ross Greenberg. I’m beginning to see a pattern with the WWF. If one of the wrestler’s begins a match by waving a flag from another country, they’re the de facto bad guy. In a recap before the match from an earlier airing of “WWF Superstars”, we see Hacksaw Jim Duggan squaring off with Yokozuna. Jim Duggan appears to have the upper hand until Yokozuna attacks him from behind, or as the announcers say, he “Pearl Harbors” him. Xen-o-pho-bia! Clap clap clapclapclap!

 A man contemplating the choices that led him to this moment.

A man contemplating the choices that led him to this moment.

Smack in the middle of the show we get a 16 man Battle Royal for no reason other than that they just wanted to. After most of the men are eliminated and the mayhem dies down, the final four end up being Shawn Michaels who teams up with Razor Ramon against Tatanka and Tito Santana. Honestly I wish they would have just cut to the chase and given us this Fatal 4-Way to begin with. I’m sure some people care about the Berzerker and Kim Chee, but I’m not one of them. Before we have too much fun though, Giant Gonzalez comes out to rip everyone’s heads off. Razor Ramon manages to run and hide so he ends up winning by default. I guess.

 "I'm a monster!"

"I'm a monster!"

Finally we get The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase VS Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Brutus doesn’t seem to do too much beyond just brawling, but he does do some fun strutting in the beginning of the match at least. Luckily IRS shows up to make things interesting and proceeds to take his steel briefcase and bash in Brutus Beefcake’s brand new face, to the point where the match gets stopped and The Barber gets carted out on a stretcher. I assume this is basically Mankind’s origin story.

 Money in the Back

Money in the Back

The episode ends by teasing a Hulk Hogan appearance for next week’s episode, presumably to avenge the beating that his friend Brutus just took at the hands of Money Inc. The Hulkster knows how to file his taxes, so I’m sure he’ll have no problem giving IRS his receipt.